When she picked up the phone to announce that “Magnum” was there to see the doctor, then silently admonished herself for a such a cheesy move? Brilliant. Michael Cera wishes he could pull off that master class in awkwardness. And if you don’t think I’m about to use “That’sfunnysmartandgreat!” about fifty times over my next twenty posts, well then you don’t know The Jay very well.

Besides learning that I have prediction skills that would make Nostradamus legally change his name to Nostradamthejayisgood, cause I am that good (also, burn!), here’s what else we learned from last night’s Britney-infused How I Met Your Mother:

1. Sarah Chalke needs to dropkick Zach Braff in the face and get her own show with a quickness. She seamlessly picked up the HIMYM rapid fire dialogue, never once made me think I was watching Elliot Reed, and looked totes fetch in the process (yes, I’m making it happen. BMA, Regina George.)

- Fun bonus story about Sarah Chalke: I did extra work on the Scrubs set a handful of times and always found Second Becky to be charming, cute and coordinated. Apparently, this is a unique observation. My fellow blogger Audiebird relayed to me a story about spotting Chalke (my new euphemism for masturbation, btdub) coming out of a restaurant. Her words: “Cute face, but the body was disgusting. She walked like her vagina was being pulled by strings. Love her, though.” Um, gross?

2. Alyson Hannigan saying five retarded lines about biting her nails is what Anthony Keidis would liken to beating up Keanu Reeves in Point Break: “That would be a waste of time.” Can someone please rescue her from CBS and start casting her in movies? Who wouldn’t go see a Alyson Hannigan/Amy Adams redheaded romcom about two sisters looking for love amidst wacky hijinks and pale skin jokes (Ellen Pompeo can play their shrewish, squinty Aunt)? Maxim Magazine’s head just exploded at the thought of putting them on the cover together.

- Also, if Cobie Smulders doesn’t start getting more to do than make bad jokes and wait for the next Robin Sparkles episode, I may demote the show from “Save Until Delete” status to “Keep As Needed”. Why doesn’t she have a parallel finding love story with Ted? She already has the best online dating profile ever. Laser tag, cigars and former Canadian pop star? Um, yes please! I’m starting to get the feeling HIMYM hates women. Just putting it out there.

3. The two minute date idea is adorable, but could never happen in real life, and isn’t even physically possible in Los Angeles. There are no taxi’s at the ready, the restaurant would make you wait 15 minutes even with a reservation, you’d have to watch the movie at a Best Buy (which takes an hour just to get out of), and most of all, waiting outside someone’s workplace is creepy. That kind of move gets you lawyered out here. Or, depending on the fame level of the person you’re waiting for, an exclusive interview with TMZ.

- Also, Ted violated two huge guy dating rules: 1. Never spend more than $40 on a first date, and 2. Don’t date single mothers when you don’t want a kid in your life. The whole affair was doomed from the beginning. I guess if you’re gonna go down in flames, Sarah Chalke is a nice Zeppelin to crash, but still. Barney was right, after the fifth “no” it’s bang the receptionist time. Dem’s the rules.

4. If I ever grow a mustache I won’t look like a child molester (or a 70′s porn star), but instead, like Magnum P.I., only “a million times more handsome”. And dowdy receptionists who are secretly disgraced pop stars making a righteous TV comeback will want me. Of course, the real reason I’d grow a mustache is so I could speak Italian.

5 – Finally, this has nothing to do with HIMYM, so much as it does Jason Segel’s upcoming movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was driving around The Valley with my younger brother this weekend and we passed one of those bus stop ads that said: “You SUCK Sarah Marshall”. I smiled, because it’s a great ad, but my brother started visibly shaking. I asked what was wrong and this was our ensuing conversation:

Lil Bro: That stupid billboard, I hate it! It’s so douche-y.

The Jay: What are you talking about? They’re hilarious.

Lil Bro: You think it’s hilarious to go around town putting up nasty billboards about your ex-girlfriend?

The Jay: Um… what?

Lil Bro: Yeah, some guy broke up with this actress and is now putting up billboards all over LA with nasty shit written on them.

The Jay: It’s a movie.

Lil Bro: What’s a movie?

The Jay: Those ads? They’re for a movie. With Jason Segel and Veronica Mars? It’s called Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Comes out in a few weeks. No? Anybody? Bueller? It’s just a marketing gimmick.

Lil Bro: No, dude! This guy has a blog about what he’s doing. And I saw the girl’s fan site. It’s real. This isn’t a movie.

The Jay: Look who you’re talking to!

Lil Bro: Look who YOU’RE talking to, ball-ass!

The Jay: I can’t believe you did better on the SAT’s than me.

Bangarang!

“Hey, I already screwed up the Alien franchise and the entire last three seasons of Buffy, did you really want me ruining another iconic female character? I totally would have had her navel gazing and pining for a hammy bohunk by act two. Also, The Jay, you’re welcome for Eliza Dushku.”

I may have made some of that up. Or all of it. Here’s what he really said, courtesy of his exceedingly scary, official nob-slobbing fansite, Whedonesque (seriously, don’t click the link unless you want to see the dark side of fandom. His rapid cult of fans make Star Wars geeks look Christian Slater in Heathers-cool by comparison):

“You (hopefully) heard it here first: I’m no longer slated to make Wonder Woman. What? But how? My chest… so tight! Okay, stay calm and I’ll explain as best I can. It’s pretty complicated, so bear with me. I had a take on the film that, well, nobody liked. Hey, not that complicated.

Let me stress first that everybody at the studio and Silver Pictures were cool and professional. We just saw different movies, and at the price range this kind of movie hangs in, that’s never gonna work. Non-sympatico. It happens all the time. I don’t think any of us expected it to this time, but it did. Everybody knows how long I was taking, what a struggle that script was, and though I felt good about what I was coming up with, it was never gonna be a simple slam-dunk. I like to think it rolled around the rim a little bit, but others may have differing views.

The worst thing that can happen in this scenario is that the studio just keeps hammering out changes and the writer falls into a horrible limbo of development. These guys had the clarity and grace to skip that part. So I’m a free man.

But most importantly, I never have to answer THAT question again!!!! And you don’t have to link to every rumor site! Finally and forever: I never had an actress picked out, or even a consistant front-runner. I didn’t have time to waste on casting when I was so busy air-balling on the script. (No! Rim! There was rim!) That’s the greatest relief of all. I can do interviews again!

-j.

ps All right, it was Cobie Smulders. Sorry, Cobes.

That’s all fine and mildly witty (much like the entirety of Xander Harris), but I could care less about the entire project, so can we take notice of what was really important in that statement? He was going to cast Cobie Smulders.

Robin Sparkles as Wonder Woman!

That would have been, dare I say it, legendary! Not only is the How I Met Your Mother hottie the spitting image of the Amazononian warrior, she’s also a terrifically talented actress. Great comedic timing, has the best innocent porn name in Hollywood, knows how to use her sexuality as a weapon for both good and evil, courageous at laser tag, and to top it all of she’s great friends with Barney Stinson. And you know what that means; to get into character she would have had to Superhero Suit Up!

She’s a totally underrated TV hottie. As far as brunettes go, I’d rank Cobie slightly behind Evangeline Lilly and about nine places ahead of either Gilmore Girl. After Barney, her Robin Scherbatsky is my favorite character on How I Met. This has some to do with her hilarious newsroom scenes with the hugemongous prick from Angel, and a whole heaping lot to do with how frustrated she makes Ted (I secretly kind of hate Ted). But most of all, I heart Cobie for this video:

How awesome is that video, on a scale one to ten? Infinity. That video is infinity cool.

I can’t believe no one ever floated her name before. The race for the WW role was as hotly contested as the last Bond flick, but I definitely prefer her over the litany of starlets that were rumored to have gotten the job at one point or another. Those being: Sandra Bullock (in this version Wonder Woman is kind of annoying and has A-cups), Morenna Baccarin (who?), Katharine McPhee (hA!), Monica Bellucci (closer…), Sophia Bush (please!), Charisma Carpenter (this would have made my friend Tim deliriously happy), Jessica Biel (fine, I guess) and J.Lo (F that noise! Also, see: Bullock, Sandra).

Now let me tell you how Joss Whedon could have made me the happiest geek alive (aside from releasing a tell-all book entitled “How To Make A Hit TV Show With A Huge Beeyotch As Your Star”.

I was a moderate fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I followed it mostly because it was the only show on TV at the time that used modern pop culture references; it had Seth Green (and I was loyal to him for his Wiley in Airborne), I enjoyed hurling obscenities at SMG, David Boreananas (sp?) was unendingly fun to make fun of (I haven’t seen acting that stiff since Rick Solomon flipped on the night vision), and most of all, the aforementioned Eliza Dushku (who karmically balanced for The WB for foisting James Van Der EightHead on us). But the show degenerated to shit by the fifth season (when she took on a Euro-trash version of Dracula that unfortunately looked nothing like Gary Oldman). And I was never into Angel or Serenity. Basically, Joss Whedon was OK in my book, aside from the Alien: Resurrection final act debacle and of course, giving unto the world SMG. But he’s officially in my cool book for wanting to cast Cobie Smulders as Wonder Woman.

But he could have made the most awesome moment in pop culture geekery if at one point during the flick he had Wonder Woman going to the mall (today!). I would have paid eleventy-billion dollars to see Robin Sparkles, dressed as the Amazonian Warrior, fly her invisible jet to the local mall. I would have robbed a fucking bank to fund that moment.

Robin Sparkles is just THAT awesome.

I was never that interested in a Wonder Woman movie, mostly because we already have a hot female action hero (holla, Angelina!), the film would have inevitably been as cheesy as the ‘70’s TV show (love the spinning) and because as much as I like Cobie, nothing really beats seeing Rachel Bilson don the Wonder Woman outfit on the first season of The OC in her ill-fated attempt to seduce Seth Cohen away from the obnoxious Anna Stern (reason #349 why Adam Brody pretty much sucks), but I’m one-tearing for what might have been had Joss stayed on the film. And I will always wonder what store of the mall Wonder Woman would have shopped at.

Who am I kidding? It would have so been Golden Lassoes of Truth-R-Us.

Let’s Go To The Mall, Today!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)