I’d like to direct everyone to the uber-inventive folks over at AOL Moviefone, who put together a “helpful” list of last-minute, Halloween inspired movie costumes for anyone with no creativity and indecision problems. And though there are a few selections I guffawed at (Snakes on a Plane still cracks me up), most of them are dull, stupid, inane, or all of the above. Sure, it might be somewhat clever to dress up as Pierce Brosnan from The Matador, but who wants to be Miami Vice Colin Farell for Halloween? This isn’t Colin from a few years ago, who was bedding pre-Federline Britney and being generally kick ass in all his movies. This is Colin from right now, who is bloated, in rehab, overweight, a few weeks from full-blown alcohol induced blindness and probably couldn’t even nail Franken-titted Tara Reid if he put his game face on.
Other than getting to bed grumpy Jennifer Connelly, why would you ever want to be Paul Bettany for Halloween, least of all in his albino duds from The DaVinci Code? Borat will be more over-repped than Napoleon Dynamite was two years ago, absolutely no one even remembers Brokeback Mountain at this point (did that have a Gyllenhaal in it?), and the Ricky Bobby costume is lame unless you get a cougar to attack you every five minutes, while you exclaim the virtues of the dear lord baby Jesus (your costume will obviously be sponsored by Powerade, which, by the way, is so good, it cools you off, and we look forward to them coming out with Purple Mystic Mountain Blueberry). Basically, they took a few notable movie characters from the last couple years and called it a day. Seriously, how hard is it to suggest Nacho Libre? This is a sham list.
So I’m taking the list, throwing it out on its ass and creating an ever greater one. One that triumphs the values of those movie characters that never get a fair share come late-October. The movie character-inspired costumes that when worn, scream “I have bad taste in movies. Also, I smell a little funky. It’s not me, it’s the leather. Halle Berry Catwoman costumes aren’t supposed to be worn by men. Who wants to party?” I offer to you, dear readers, a collection of terrible Halloween costumes inspired by the movies.
To begin the list, I offer you the immortal words of that bitchy little creepy kid from Searching For Bobby Fischer, “Trick or Treat”.
Terl (John Travolta), Battlefield: Earth
What You’ll Need: Dreadlocks, a ridiculous nose piercing, a cod piece that even Joel Schumacher would call shenanigans on, ham-fisted acting and an eternal allegiance to Xenu and L. Ron
Why It’s Terrible: Isn’t this pretty obvious?
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Miggs, Silence of the Lambs
What You’ll Need: Dirty mental hospital rags, an irrationally perverted psyche, a soap bucket full of jism
Why It’s Terrible: I’m not necessarily against dressing up as a character whose sole purpose is to torment Jodie Foster by flinging dick junk at her, per se, but let’s just say it’s not exactly a costume that screams “Come and talk to me ladies, I’m not disgusting AT ALL”. Though I do think its fun for the whole family. Just imagine, your kid knocks on a door, a nice lady answers, he shouts the proverbial “Trick or Treat!”, she gives him an apple (which no kid ever likes) and in angered response, he flicks some jizz at her. That’ll teach her to give out fucking fruit on Halloween, and not have fun size Three Musketeer bars instead.
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Mutant Tranny (aka Arclight), X-Men: The Last Stand
What You’ll Need: Clichéd gothic outfit, tons of late-90’s wannabe death metal piercings, a haircut Rosie O’Donnell would be offended by, a sensibility and attitude most often found on Santa Monica Blvd., and if you’re a girl you’ll obviously need a fake penis (boys can just tuck theirs back)
Why It’s Terrible: If your group is going as characters from the X-Men movies, why would you pick the worst, most lame, trashy one? Boils On My Penis Guy would have to be taken before I strapped on the mutant tranny costume.
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Justin McLeod (Mel Gibson), Man Without A Face
What You’ll Need: Burn makeup, some glue, and a barrel of anti-Semitism
Why It’s Terrible: Well, as you know, the Jews are responsible for all the fires in the world. If it weren’t for Jews nobody would ever get burned. So dressing up in this costume brings with you the unbearable burden of having to hide your anti-Semitic thoughts by drowning them in alcohol and calling all women police officers “Sugar Tits”. This is an atrocity I don’t think our kids should have to deal with so soon in life. They’ll learn it enough on their own after watching Bird on a Wire and What Women Want.
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Paris (Orlando Bloom), Troy
What You’ll Need: Shaggy hair, goofy He-Men like chest protector, incurable blandness, and a vagina
Why It’s Terrible: If you’re picking characters to be from Troy and you choose Orlando Bloom, you deserve the beating you’re inevitably going to get. But don’t bother going to the cops, this might be the only acceptable hate crime we have in this country. After all, there’s no law against punching a bland actor in the face for making Pirates of the Caribbean 2 so freakin’ boring.
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Donkey Fucker, Clerks II
What You’ll Need: Ass-less leather chaps, a Zorro mask, a quick wit, a really slutty Donkey, and a penchant for rampant bestiality
Why It’s Terrible: Of all the animals you could choose to bang, why a donkey? They’re dirty, crude and ugly animals. Why not try to throw a shot into a flamingo, or a gazelle? You know, something pretty. Like say, a cute monkey perhaps; or Amanda Peet? Of all the places to stick your wiener, a jackass just doesn’t seem like the best idea. Plus, it’s quite frowned upon. How are you gonna go trick or treating while you’re having sex with a donkey? That’s just not practical.
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Freakshow (Chris Meloni), Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
What You’ll Need: Lots of puss-filled boils, a Gonzo-like nose, an obsession with the dear Lord baby Jesus and an insatiable, crazy hot blonde wife
Why It’s Terrible: When you look the way Freakshow looks, your insatiable, crazy-hot blonde wife is always gonna throw herself at the stupid potheads you bring home. Plus, you have to put plastic down on everything in case one of your errant boils decides to go Dante’s Peak on your leather couch. Better to get a chemical peal and a nose job and save your marriage.
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Maggie Fitzgerald-post boxing match accident (Hillary Swank), Million Dollar Baby
What You’ll Need: Huge horse like front teeth, boxer-like face bruises, a neck brace, an amputated left leg and a never ending supply of heavy handed dialogue (courtesy of Paul Haggis)
Why It’s Terrible: Hee hee, I actually don’t have a reason here. This costume would be “Crocodile Hunter with a stingray barb in the chest” awesome. I implore someone to do this.
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Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl), Sin City
What You’ll Need: An a-ton of yellow paint, a big ass knife, and an anatomically correct bathing suit area
Why It’s Terrible: Playing a big bird-colored rapist and killer doesn’t exactly scream “nice guy”. I mean you’re not getting laid at any Halloween party. You won’t even get action at the WeHo Halloween parade. So unless you’re prepared to go method with this costume and illegally violate a nubile coed, you might want to skip the Yellow Bastard costume and suit up in your emergency Jedi costume.
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Poop Monster, Dogma
What You’ll Need: Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of poop
Why It’s Terrible: Despite what you may think, your deuce does not smell like a winter spring. In reality, and it’s a sad fact, your shit stinks.
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Jonathan Harker (Keanu Reeves), Bram Stoker’s Dracula
What You’ll Need: Goofy sideburns, choppy bangs, old-timey suit, unbelievably stiff acting
Why It’s Terrible: You all know of my love for The One, but even I have to admit how bad he is in this movie. I’d rather be Sweet November Keanu than Dracula Keanu. Heck, I’d rather be Johnny Mnemonic Keanu and face down a computerized dolphin, a rabid Ice-T and a totally insane Dolph Lundgren, before I strapped on my Transylvania boots and went out as Bad Acting Dracula Keanu.
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Aileen Wurmos (Charlize Theron), Monster
What You’ll Need: Pocked, pasty skin, stringy blonde hair, teeth that even Kirsten Dunst would have fixed, a FUPA, latent homosexual tendencies, and an undying bloodlust for dirty truckers
Why It’s Terrible: They say that putting the word “sexy” in front of any costume makes it a good one. I beg to differ. “Sexy” Aileen Wurmos doesn’t work for me. Because “sexy” Aileen will still cut off my balls just to watch me bleed, then steal all my money to buy fried chicken for Christina Ricci, only she’ll do it in a halter top. The only association Aileen Wurmos has had with the word “sexy” is when Charlize Theron did publicity for the movie by posing near-nude on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar. Ladies, if you want to get some action on Halloween, try putting “sexy” in front of a different female movie character. Can I recommend something in a Slave Leia? Or in a Denise Richards from Wild Things?
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Kazaam/Steel
What You’ll Need: A costume made either of tinfoil or cheap gypsy rags, an inability to say words at a volume heard by actual people, a bad free throw percentage, and an intense loathing for Kobe Bryant
Why It’s Terrible: Because if you’re going to dress up as a character made famous by a professional athlete and you don’t choose Kareem from that Bruce Willis movie or Andre the Giant from The Princess Bride, well then you’re just an idiot.
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Anna (Julia Roberts), Closer
What You’ll Need: Loose morals, a penchant for nancy-boy British guys, a camera, and a king size box of spearmint Chiclets to go in your mouth as fake teeth
Why It’s Terrible: Because of all the roles where America’s Sweetheart has played either a bitch or a whore (and there have been quite a few, cough My Best Friend’s Wedding cough), this one was her worst. Clive Owen eviscerated her on-screen, Natalie Portman was sexier, more intelligent and far more likeable, even Jude Law was making us forget how much we hate him. But Julia on the other hand, aside from giving us the moment where Clive tells her to fuck off and die, brought nothing to the table. She ruined every relationship in the picture, and looked and acted ugly doing it. Tell me again why America loves her so much?
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Post-Crash Goose (Anthony Edwards), Top Gun
What You’ll Need: Goofy 80’s mustache, flight suit, penchant for Volleyball and Meg Ryan, a broken parachute, lots of blood and a “so close to crying but won’t let the tears out because he’s trying to be manly” Tom Cruise hovering around you at all times
Why It’s Terrible: I feel bad for Goose. He wasn’t as unintentionally funny as Slider, he wasn’t as kick ass as Ice Man, and he wasn’t banging a dude like Maverick. He had a hot wife, a cool job, a wonderfully cheesy mustache, and one time he gave the bird to a MIG. Sure, every once in a while he had to sing The Temptations to tranny’s in pilot bars, but all in all, his life was a pretty charmed one. Goose got a bad rap.
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Scotty J (Phillip Seymour Hoffman), Boogie Nights
What You’ll Need: Undersized colored tank top, TIGHT blue jeans, stringy red hair, freckles for days, a look on your face that says “I wish the internet were around so I could stalk underage boys on MySpace (add me!)”, and an unhealthy obsession with Marky Mark’s penis.
Why It’s Terrible: I’m not saying Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a pederast, but he sure does play a lot of those types of roles (Happiness, 25th Hour). This is his most slimy, shifty, uncomfortable, and ugly of characters, and it guarantees that whoever wears this costume will not only be avoided all night like a Mariah Carrey movie, but may proactively be shunned by his social community. Take a look at the picture on the right. Would you ever want to look like that? I mean, ever? Sure, Marky Mark has a great penis and everything, but is it really worth looking like this, to get a piece of his Funky Bunch? Halloween is supposed to be fun and slutty, just not like this.
Happy Halloween, and Bangarang!
