She tells U.S. magazine Essence:

I’m shaving it off! I know. Here comes the controversy, but… it’ll grow back – I hope!

Controversy? Over her hair? She realizes that she’s head a short haircut for more than half her career, right? And then she was basically bald in Die Another Day? And that nobody cares?

This, actually, isn’t the point. Halle’s hair length, as we’ve decided, is irrelevant. What IS relevant is her reason for taking the part that requires the shave. The decision was apparently spurred by her young daughter Nahla (whom I still wish had been named “Boison”). From her own mouth:

I don’t want my daughter to look back at my work and think, ‘Mom sold out.’ I want to leave a legacy that she can be proud of.

Right. Well. I mean, there’s no chance of that. Halle’s ouevre is for definite solid. A body of work any performer could be proud of; an Imdb page even Laurence Olivier would admire. A true master class legacy.

Yep, no need for Halle to worry about her daughter thinking she’s a sell-out. So long as when Nahla grows up, the Google is broken, of course.

Bangarang!

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

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Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

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Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

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Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

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Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

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Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

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Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

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Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

UPDATE: Halle has officially picked a name for her baby girl. It’s: Nahla Ariela Aubry. Reminds me of Simba’s girlfriend in The Lion King. And it definitely isn’t as cool as Oprah Tiger Obama Denzel Berry, but then again, how much knowing irony can one possibly expect from an actress and a male model. Here’s hoping the baby can turn left.

Anyway… had she not picked a Disney character name for her child (with the plebe Dad’s last name!), I think she should have read this post and followed one of my leads…

ORIGINAL POST:

In an announcement filled with equal parts joy, surprise (re: total accident), and “I hope I make the cover of People for this”, Academy-Award winning actress and resident over-40 hottie Halle Berry has revealed that she is three months pregnant with her first child. Her boyfriend of one year, Genetic Lucky Bastard (a.k.a. Gabriel Aubry), is the father. Halle can now add MILF to her list of remarkable accomplishments (those being Oscar Winner, Razzie Winner, Friend Of Oprah, Got Joel Silver to give her 500 large to show her tits in Swordfish, and of course, not being able to deliver a one-liner in a big budget comic book movie).

We here at TheJay.com would love to extend our warmest congratulations to the proud celebrity parents. May they have an ironically ugly baby who will grow up to write a truly nasty tell-all book about their childhood. I look forward to seeing baby Berry, Shiloh, and Suri tear up the town in 18 years or so.

So now that we have eleventy-billion Halle Berry baby bump pictures to look forward to (not to mention the Access Hollywood profiles on her bridal shower and baby shopping spree), we can now focus on the most important part of this story. No, not the story that Halle will have to take time off from making truly shitty studio thrillers with fading white male stars. Not that the over/under on Gabriel becoming the next K-Fed is about a +5. And not even that a notoriously famous, industry award door-opening African-American celebrity will have a mixed race baby. Those are all important parts, but not nearly as important as this: what she’ll name the baby. Will she go traditional, as with Bridget Moynahan’s recent baby John? Or surprisingly cute, like Ben and Jen did with their baby, Violet? Will she go batty like Gwyneth and scar her kid from the uterus with a tease-inducing Apple or Moses? Will she go mega-star bourgeois like Brad and Tom did with their recent golden spawn?

So many choices, so much pressure, so much opportunity for malicious celebrity ego and delusion (hello Jason Lee’s kid, Pilot Inspektor).

As a favor to my favorite Catwoman (just kidding! Love you, Michelle, Julie and Eartha!) I have taken it upon myself to come up with a list of potential baby names. All are good, solid, strong names for a child. All have some tie to Momma Berry. And all are perfect for some enterprising blogger to put on a Café Press t-shirt. If Halle ends up going with any of them I fully expect a 10% kick on the back-end merchandising rights.

(NOTE: I’m assuming Halle would give the kid “Berry” for a last name, cause seriously, it’s not like Gabriel Aubry is getting to raise this kid unless he books a reality show like quick.)

THE OBVIOUS FRUIT NAMES

- Straw Berry
- Blue Berry
- Elder Berry
- Pink Berry (and the kid would be low fat)
- Black Berry (and the kid would of course be nicknamed “Phone”)
- Cranberry Berry (middle name: “+ Vodka”)
- Schnozz Berry (and lo and behold, the kid would actually taste like a schnozzberry!)

And my personal favorite…

- Huckle Berry (I’d be dropping Tombstone bombs like crazy! Val Kilmer would HAVE to be the baby’s godfather!)

RHYME NAMES

- Barry Berry (otherwise known as “Berry²”)
- Bobby Berry
- Sherry Barry (though this might be too close an homage to that dreadful Maggie Gyllenhaal indie Sherrybaby)
- Larry Berry
- Mary Berry
- Mariah Carey Berry (in a nod to the baby’s mixed-race heritage and potential for future nervous breakdowns on national cable TV shows)
- Warren Beatty Berry

MOVIE NAMES

- B.A.P.S. Berry
- Boomerang Berry
- Dorothy Dandridge Berry
- Gothika Berry
- Jinx Berry
- Jungle Fever Berry (another ode to its heritage)
- Storm Berry
- Swordfish Berry

And of course:

- Halle Berry 2: The Reckoning

MEAN NAMES a.k.a. The Jay’s Personal Favorites

- Bad Actor Berry
- Billy Bob Berry
- Celebrity Baby Berry (think of the Google traffic!)
- David Justice Sucks Berry
- Dingle Berry
- Hit N Run Berry
- iBerry (of which the baby will be called “Shuffle”, the toddler “Nano, the teen “Classic” and the adult “w/ Video”)
- MILF Berry
- Oprah Tiger Obama Denzel Berry
- PR Boost Berry
- Razzie Award Winner Berry
- Shag Berry (In honor of The Butterscotch Stallion)

And the most awesomely egotisitical celebrity baby name of all:

- $500,000 Boobies Berry

I can’t wait to see which one she’s gonna pick (though, in the end you know it’ll be something lame like “Tristan” for a boy or “Judy” after her Mom for a girl. But she’d get my everlasting respect if she named her kid either Schnozz or Huckle Berry. I’d even forgive her for Catwoman. Well, maybe not. But at least for her awful X-Men one-liner, anyway.

Bangarang!

Other than getting to bed grumpy Jennifer Connelly, why would you ever want to be Paul Bettany for Halloween, least of all in his albino duds from The DaVinci Code? Borat will be more over-repped than Napoleon Dynamite was two years ago, absolutely no one even remembers Brokeback Mountain at this point (did that have a Gyllenhaal in it?), and the Ricky Bobby costume is lame unless you get a cougar to attack you every five minutes, while you exclaim the virtues of the dear lord baby Jesus (your costume will obviously be sponsored by Powerade, which, by the way, is so good, it cools you off, and we look forward to them coming out with Purple Mystic Mountain Blueberry). Basically, they took a few notable movie characters from the last couple years and called it a day. Seriously, how hard is it to suggest Nacho Libre? This is a sham list.

So I’m taking the list, throwing it out on its ass and creating an ever greater one. One that triumphs the values of those movie characters that never get a fair share come late-October. The movie character-inspired costumes that when worn, scream “I have bad taste in movies. Also, I smell a little funky. It’s not me, it’s the leather. Halle Berry Catwoman costumes aren’t supposed to be worn by men. Who wants to party?” I offer to you, dear readers, a collection of terrible Halloween costumes inspired by the movies.

To begin the list, I offer you the immortal words of that bitchy little creepy kid from Searching For Bobby Fischer, “Trick or Treat”.

Terl (John Travolta), Battlefield: Earth

What You’ll Need: Dreadlocks, a ridiculous nose piercing, a cod piece that even Joel Schumacher would call shenanigans on, ham-fisted acting and an eternal allegiance to Xenu and L. Ron

Why It’s Terrible: Isn’t this pretty obvious?

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Miggs, Silence of the Lambs

What You’ll Need: Dirty mental hospital rags, an irrationally perverted psyche, a soap bucket full of jism

Why It’s Terrible: I’m not necessarily against dressing up as a character whose sole purpose is to torment Jodie Foster by flinging dick junk at her, per se, but let’s just say it’s not exactly a costume that screams “Come and talk to me ladies, I’m not disgusting AT ALL”. Though I do think its fun for the whole family. Just imagine, your kid knocks on a door, a nice lady answers, he shouts the proverbial “Trick or Treat!”, she gives him an apple (which no kid ever likes) and in angered response, he flicks some jizz at her. That’ll teach her to give out fucking fruit on Halloween, and not have fun size Three Musketeer bars instead.

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Mutant Tranny (aka Arclight), X-Men: The Last Stand

What You’ll Need: Clichéd gothic outfit, tons of late-90’s wannabe death metal piercings, a haircut Rosie O’Donnell would be offended by, a sensibility and attitude most often found on Santa Monica Blvd., and if you’re a girl you’ll obviously need a fake penis (boys can just tuck theirs back)

Why It’s Terrible: If your group is going as characters from the X-Men movies, why would you pick the worst, most lame, trashy one? Boils On My Penis Guy would have to be taken before I strapped on the mutant tranny costume.

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Justin McLeod (Mel Gibson), Man Without A Face

What You’ll Need: Burn makeup, some glue, and a barrel of anti-Semitism

Why It’s Terrible: Well, as you know, the Jews are responsible for all the fires in the world. If it weren’t for Jews nobody would ever get burned. So dressing up in this costume brings with you the unbearable burden of having to hide your anti-Semitic thoughts by drowning them in alcohol and calling all women police officers “Sugar Tits”. This is an atrocity I don’t think our kids should have to deal with so soon in life. They’ll learn it enough on their own after watching Bird on a Wire and What Women Want.

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Paris (Orlando Bloom), Troy

What You’ll Need: Shaggy hair, goofy He-Men like chest protector, incurable blandness, and a vagina

Why It’s Terrible: If you’re picking characters to be from Troy and you choose Orlando Bloom, you deserve the beating you’re inevitably going to get. But don’t bother going to the cops, this might be the only acceptable hate crime we have in this country. After all, there’s no law against punching a bland actor in the face for making Pirates of the Caribbean 2 so freakin’ boring.

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Donkey Fucker, Clerks II

What You’ll Need: Ass-less leather chaps, a Zorro mask, a quick wit, a really slutty Donkey, and a penchant for rampant bestiality

Why It’s Terrible: Of all the animals you could choose to bang, why a donkey? They’re dirty, crude and ugly animals. Why not try to throw a shot into a flamingo, or a gazelle? You know, something pretty. Like say, a cute monkey perhaps; or Amanda Peet? Of all the places to stick your wiener, a jackass just doesn’t seem like the best idea. Plus, it’s quite frowned upon. How are you gonna go trick or treating while you’re having sex with a donkey? That’s just not practical.

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Freakshow (Chris Meloni), Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle

What You’ll Need: Lots of puss-filled boils, a Gonzo-like nose, an obsession with the dear Lord baby Jesus and an insatiable, crazy hot blonde wife

Why It’s Terrible: When you look the way Freakshow looks, your insatiable, crazy-hot blonde wife is always gonna throw herself at the stupid potheads you bring home. Plus, you have to put plastic down on everything in case one of your errant boils decides to go Dante’s Peak on your leather couch. Better to get a chemical peal and a nose job and save your marriage.

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Maggie Fitzgerald-post boxing match accident (Hillary Swank), Million Dollar Baby

What You’ll Need: Huge horse like front teeth, boxer-like face bruises, a neck brace, an amputated left leg and a never ending supply of heavy handed dialogue (courtesy of Paul Haggis)

Why It’s Terrible: Hee hee, I actually don’t have a reason here. This costume would be “Crocodile Hunter with a stingray barb in the chest” awesome. I implore someone to do this.

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Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl), Sin City

What You’ll Need: An a-ton of yellow paint, a big ass knife, and an anatomically correct bathing suit area

Why It’s Terrible: Playing a big bird-colored rapist and killer doesn’t exactly scream “nice guy”. I mean you’re not getting laid at any Halloween party. You won’t even get action at the WeHo Halloween parade. So unless you’re prepared to go method with this costume and illegally violate a nubile coed, you might want to skip the Yellow Bastard costume and suit up in your emergency Jedi costume.

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Poop Monster, Dogma

What You’ll Need: Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of poop

Why It’s Terrible: Despite what you may think, your deuce does not smell like a winter spring. In reality, and it’s a sad fact, your shit stinks.

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Jonathan Harker (Keanu Reeves), Bram Stoker’s Dracula

What You’ll Need: Goofy sideburns, choppy bangs, old-timey suit, unbelievably stiff acting

Why It’s Terrible: You all know of my love for The One, but even I have to admit how bad he is in this movie. I’d rather be Sweet November Keanu than Dracula Keanu. Heck, I’d rather be Johnny Mnemonic Keanu and face down a computerized dolphin, a rabid Ice-T and a totally insane Dolph Lundgren, before I strapped on my Transylvania boots and went out as Bad Acting Dracula Keanu.

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Aileen Wurmos (Charlize Theron), Monster

What You’ll Need: Pocked, pasty skin, stringy blonde hair, teeth that even Kirsten Dunst would have fixed, a FUPA, latent homosexual tendencies, and an undying bloodlust for dirty truckers

Why It’s Terrible: They say that putting the word “sexy” in front of any costume makes it a good one. I beg to differ. “Sexy” Aileen Wurmos doesn’t work for me. Because “sexy” Aileen will still cut off my balls just to watch me bleed, then steal all my money to buy fried chicken for Christina Ricci, only she’ll do it in a halter top. The only association Aileen Wurmos has had with the word “sexy” is when Charlize Theron did publicity for the movie by posing near-nude on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar. Ladies, if you want to get some action on Halloween, try putting “sexy” in front of a different female movie character. Can I recommend something in a Slave Leia? Or in a Denise Richards from Wild Things?

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Kazaam/Steel

What You’ll Need: A costume made either of tinfoil or cheap gypsy rags, an inability to say words at a volume heard by actual people, a bad free throw percentage, and an intense loathing for Kobe Bryant

Why It’s Terrible: Because if you’re going to dress up as a character made famous by a professional athlete and you don’t choose Kareem from that Bruce Willis movie or Andre the Giant from The Princess Bride, well then you’re just an idiot.

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Anna (Julia Roberts), Closer

What You’ll Need: Loose morals, a penchant for nancy-boy British guys, a camera, and a king size box of spearmint Chiclets to go in your mouth as fake teeth

Why It’s Terrible: Because of all the roles where America’s Sweetheart has played either a bitch or a whore (and there have been quite a few, cough My Best Friend’s Wedding cough), this one was her worst. Clive Owen eviscerated her on-screen, Natalie Portman was sexier, more intelligent and far more likeable, even Jude Law was making us forget how much we hate him. But Julia on the other hand, aside from giving us the moment where Clive tells her to fuck off and die, brought nothing to the table. She ruined every relationship in the picture, and looked and acted ugly doing it. Tell me again why America loves her so much?

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Post-Crash Goose (Anthony Edwards), Top Gun

What You’ll Need: Goofy 80’s mustache, flight suit, penchant for Volleyball and Meg Ryan, a broken parachute, lots of blood and a “so close to crying but won’t let the tears out because he’s trying to be manly” Tom Cruise hovering around you at all times

Why It’s Terrible: I feel bad for Goose. He wasn’t as unintentionally funny as Slider, he wasn’t as kick ass as Ice Man, and he wasn’t banging a dude like Maverick. He had a hot wife, a cool job, a wonderfully cheesy mustache, and one time he gave the bird to a MIG. Sure, every once in a while he had to sing The Temptations to tranny’s in pilot bars, but all in all, his life was a pretty charmed one. Goose got a bad rap.

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Scotty J (Phillip Seymour Hoffman), Boogie Nights

What You’ll Need: Undersized colored tank top, TIGHT blue jeans, stringy red hair, freckles for days, a look on your face that says “I wish the internet were around so I could stalk underage boys on MySpace (add me!)”, and an unhealthy obsession with Marky Mark’s penis.

Why It’s Terrible: I’m not saying Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a pederast, but he sure does play a lot of those types of roles (Happiness, 25th Hour). This is his most slimy, shifty, uncomfortable, and ugly of characters, and it guarantees that whoever wears this costume will not only be avoided all night like a Mariah Carrey movie, but may proactively be shunned by his social community. Take a look at the picture on the right. Would you ever want to look like that? I mean, ever? Sure, Marky Mark has a great penis and everything, but is it really worth looking like this, to get a piece of his Funky Bunch? Halloween is supposed to be fun and slutty, just not like this.

Happy Halloween, and Bangarang!