“Am I a nice person? God, no! I suck.”

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“This is what happens after you make a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker.”

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“Wanna see my impression of Paris when she’s bored on the set of The Simple Life?”

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“Say Last Call sucks again. SAY LAST CALL SUCKS AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker. Say Last Call Sucks one more goddamned time!

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“You ever make it with a botoxed, schizophrenic, speed-addicted puffer fish? And by botoxed, schizophrenic, speed-addicted puffer fish, I do mean me.”

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“Wait, so the Hulk 2 auditions aren’t today? But I did my hair and everything! What a waste of my valuable time. Nick Nolte is a hot commodity and you just wasted his time.”

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“Did I just give this ferret a tug job? Eh, whatever, I’ll just add a rabies shot to my weekly STD culture.”

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“My boobs come together, cause opposites attract (and put a weird, freaky hole in my chest).”

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“Who wants to be a teen heartthrob, when you can be a much cooler, cracked-out homeless guy? It’s no contest.”

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“It’s so nice to have so much free time, now that I got kicked off The O.C. I can finally devote my time to projects that mean something to me.”

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“Yeah, that’s right, I’m Kevin ‘fuckin’ Nealon, and I work at Home Depot. You got a problem with that? No? Good. Now let’s go find you that quarter-inch wood paneling on aisle five.”

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“If Harrison doesn’t marry me soon, I swear I’m just gonna let myself go.”

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“A grizzled drunk, a major geek, a burned-out drug addict and the finger. Yep, that sounds about right for a George Lucas tribute special.”

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“Vote for Pedro.”

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“I put a spell on you, because you’re mine…”

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“You’d be pissed off too if your big summer blockbuster was tanking, and you were dating the blandest guy in Hollywood.”

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“I wonder what Brad’s up to?”

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Bangarang!