It’s a time of reflection for those in the unauthorized celebrity picture business. With Paris now firmly behind bars for the duration of June, Lindsay drying up in a posh suite somewhere in Malibu, Nicole trying to clean up her rep in time for her day in court, Brangelina giving it out for free to shill their respective new movies, and nary a rookie Celebritard climbing the ranks, the Paparazzi have a lot of free time on their hands. I wonder what they’ll do with all that free time? I mean really, who wants to spend the summer stalking those idiot Laguna Beach kids? L.C. is hot and all, but at some point you gotta remember why you got into this business. It was to be in the trenches, literally (the ones you dug in the dirt on the Malibu Cliffside while waiting for Tom and Nicole to go to breakfast). It was not to waste your time in front of The Standard at 2:30 am on a Tuesday on the off chance Kristin Cavallari walks out in a slinky dress and boots all over Hollywood Blvd. Though I wouldn’t mind seeing that.

So while the Paparazzi anxiously await the return of their skanky meal tickets from their respective detention centers and publicist enforced club bans, I put together a list of 21 things that the papz are likely to do with all there new found free time.

1. Stalking Jennifer Lopez, just for old times’ sake.

2. Going to the beach. Not to enjoy the ocean, but to practice burying themselves in the sand for the upcoming celebritard bikini season.

3. Hitting the gym. The treadmill, specifically. The new breed of star is mighty quick. Gotta practice getting out of the way of speeding, bloodthirsty Mercedes’.

4. Snubbing George Clooney in public, giving the star a false sense of security, waiting two minutes, and then casually following him around for the rest of the day at a safe, seemingly harmless distance.

5. Having epiphanies about their empty soulless existence, but then ultimately deciding not to get out of Jennifer Aniston’s garbage can.

6. Banding together to heighten the tabloid intensity on Hayden Panetierre in the vein hopes she very quickly becomes the next La Lohan. TV stars make the best celebritards (Hi, Shannen Doherty!). Unfortunately, as we all know, the only person who can truly create a satisfactory is celebritard is the Celebrinator herself, Paris Hilton. And though she is truly omnipotent, not even Ms. Jailbird Hilton can skankify a perfectly respectable young girl from behind bars. She can still give the girl herpes, just not celebritardation.

7. Actually eating in the trendy restaurants they camp out at.

8. Catching up on their Netflix queue. Mel Gibson’s movie Paparazzi has been ironically sitting on their coffee table for months (it’s hard to get up the urge to watch Tom Sizemore act at night when you have to take perp walk pictures of him all day).

9. Sucking up to Harvey Leven.

10. Not returning Jessica Simpson’s publicist’s phone calls.

11. Going to rehab to kick their insatiable, life-crushing Brangelina habit. While at rehab, trying to learn Vietnamese to they can use more effective ways of getting Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt to look at their camera. Something tells me the paparazzi rehab would be about as effective as the gayhab Isiah Washington snored through during FaggotGate.

12. Continuing to bribe Lindsay Lohan’s duplicitous, picture stealing “friends”.

13. Competing in a last man standing style game of “not it!” to determine who will have the unenviable task of having to cover Rosie O’Donnell.

14. Wondering out loud why Tara Reid hasn’t stepped up to get some of the free tabloid limelight. After all, for the next month there will be a considerable dearth of “drunk celebritard falling out of a limo” pics, for which she is immensely suited for.

15. Scrapbooking.

16. Reading all the recent “Ben Affleck Is Coming Back” articles, realizing how much unwarranted hell they caused him back in the day and vowing to somehow make it up to him. Not by ever watching one of his movies, but maybe by not taking those extra forty pictures of him looking scrubby at Starbucks.

17. Recommitting themselves to capturing an illicit shot of Hillary Duff doing anything at all even remotely interesting. This might prove to be a herculean task.

18. Googling Kim Kardashian and still not understanding why her picture is worth anything.

19. Getting drunk and mischievous and sending in an order to Pink Dot for three cases of Grey Goose to be delivered to Promises Malibu under the name “Han, Lo”.

20. Weighing their options of getting out of bed to snap bikini pics of Britney Spears. On the one hand, it’s an easy shot that will sell. On the other hand, they’ll inevitably spend the night throwing up their lunch, followed be restless fever dreams of cellulite-ridden buttocks devouring tiny blue thongs, scored to Britney’s dance club hit “Toxic”. What price dignity, eh?

21. Doing what any normal person with a telephoto lens would do… taking close up, high-res pictures of their junk.

Bangarang!

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Things Overheard on the Razzies Red Carpet…

Marlon Wayans: I suck!

Shawn Wayans: Double-down on the Wayans Brothers suckage!

Hilary and Haylie Duff: Ditto all of that, but replace Wayans Brothers with Duff Sisters.

Carmen Electra: I’m hot! …and sucky.

M. Night Shyamalan: I make like I’m smart and creative, but there’s a twist! I secretly SUCK!

Danny DeVito: I’m tiny and I suck.

Martin Short: I’m short, but not tiny. Though I do also suck right now.

Lindsay Lohan: Not only do I suck, I suck HARD.

Rob Schneider: Do I even need to say it?

Tim Allen: I am a really bad actor. You might even call my work in Zoom suck-worthy.

The Jay: Ok then, it was suck-worthy.

Tim Allen: I walked right into that one.

The Jay: Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll redeem yourself in Wild Hogs.

Tim Allen: Oh ye of little faith…

Nicolas Cage: What’s happening over here? A suckfest? Can I come? I’ll bring my Wicker Man!

Jessica Simpson: I suck too, ya’ll!

Kate Bosworth: I’m too hungry to suck.

Jenny McCarthy: Well as long as there’s sucking involved, count me in!

Uwe Boll: Me too!

Larry the Cable Guy: Total suckage right here!

Sharon Stone: Don’t worry everyone, for as we all know, I suck the most.

Sylvester Stallone: Here here!

Bangarang!

1. Backing into a police car while freebasing, with one hand tied behind her back.
2. Drop a female deuce in the community pool and then blame it on the Snickers bar she eat at lunch and threw up ten minutes after lunch.
3. Convert to Scientology.
4. Drive Lindsay to her AA meeting, then stand inside the doorway and shotgun Kettle One martini’s while yelling out “Hilary Duff Rules!” when La Lohan’s up to the mike.
5. Join the Celebrivag Flash Club. No one wants to see what a little boy’s skeleton looks like spread eagle and beaver-free.
6. Do a comedy routine, get heckled and call the crowd a bunch of Kramer’s.
7. Eat lunch.

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THINGS I’M PLUGGING FOR A GOOD CAUSE

I’ve been graciously asked to drop some light on a project being cooked up to help support Freedom Writers, the noble-minded new Hilary Swank Teaches Inner City Kids flick (with a seriously eyeroll-inducing title), and since you all know how charitable I can be (after all, I did write a post titled “50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger“), here’s my movie mitzvah of the week.

“In honor of the film Freedom Writers, a YouTube group called “Be Heard” has been created, featuring brief clips of actors from the film talking about issues affecting youth/teens, such as peer pressure, personal inspiration, motivation, ethics, oppression, morals, tolerance, racism, youth, anti-violence and more. There are also a number of discussions going on within this group around these topics.”

For more information about Freedom Writers, you can go to their official site HERE or their imdb page, HERE.

And to check out the “Be Heard” group on YouTube, please go HERE.

Here’s the trailer:

OK, now that my obligation is out of the way, let me point out that the movie is being released on January 5th, which means two things: 1. Paramount decided not to release it the last week of the year and thereby giving Hilary some potential Oscar consideration, which I have to assume means she’s not that good in it, and 2. January is the dumping ground for shite studio flicks. They release their dogs in the beginning of the year so they can loss lead their books. January crap stays on the 2006 books and doesn’t taint a potentially successful 2007. It’s always better to sneak a turd onto the tail end of a positive ship, where no one will pay it any mind, then to paint it on the bow of a ship’s maiden voyage. This is why Disney made Jerry Bruckheimer tag the month last year with his sports movie wankjob toss off (Glory Road), so it wouldn’t affect the Pirates of the Caribbean stock bump.

A few more salient facts:

1. Hilary Swank, though technically a fine actor, has never made a movie she couldn’t maudlin her way through. And if an in-her-prime Michelle Pfeiffer couldn’t get my git up about inner city kids achieving despite adversity, than Steve Sanders’ ex doesn’t stand a chance.

2. She has actual chiclets for teeth. I’m told Julia Roberts is considering suing her for trademark infringement.

4. Steve Sanders kicked her to the curb. Steve Sanders! This can’t be ignored.

5. Had starred in only one watchable movie in four years (The Core).

6. Paul Haggis is a hack. That really doesn’t relate to the merits or talents of Hilary, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

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THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN

- Did you know that every boxer who has ever appeared in a major motion picture has immediately lost their respective title? Muhammad Ali starred in The Greatest in 1977 and lost his title to Leon Spinks a year later. Tommy Morrison lost his title right after starring in Rocky 5: The One That NEVER Happened. Lennox Lewis lost his title less than a year after cameoing in Ocean’s Eleven. And Antonio Tarver, Stallone’s nemesis enforcer in Rocky Balboa, lost his Middleweight title just a few months ago. Eerie, isn’t it? If I were Oscar De La Hoya I’d turn my ringer off.

- If you already voted for TheJay.com once for Best Culture Blog at the 2006 Weblog Awards, you can vote again. Once a day in fact, until Friday December 15th. So what are you waiting for? You like my jokes, so show The Jay some voter love.

- Chuck Norris turned down the part of Sensei John Kreese in The Karate Kid. Apparently, he doesn’t approve of sweeping the leg, or putting whiny kids from Reseda into a bodybag.

- Also, in regards to Sir Norris, researchers recently discovered the original draft of the Declaration of Independence. It said “Dear King George – Fuck you, we’re leaving. Signed, Chuck Norris.”

- I don’t like Fish. The meal, band or species (though I’ll make an exception for Swedish Fish. Sweet, gummy, kick ass Swedish Fish). Just thought you might want to know.

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THINGS THAT ARE OLD SCHOOL COOL

This is how you make a movie poster. I may not see the movie, but I would definitely put this on my wall (which should be the only rule in deciding if a movie poster is good or not).

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THINGS THAT ARE SAD

- R.I.P. Anita O’Day
- R.I.P. Blood Diamond
- R.I.P. Allen Iverson, Philadelphia 76er
- R.I.P. Eden on Heroes
- R.I.P. Robert Altman

and most of all…

- R.I.P. Clyde Bruckman

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THINGS THAT WILL TANK AT THE BOX OFFICE

Eragon

There has never been a dragon-centered movie that has ever grossed more than $50 million at the box office. Trust me, I looked it up. So why would the makers behind this flick think that just because the book did well, they could override years and years of silver screen dragon ambivalence? If the dulcet tones of Sean Connery couldn’t put ass to seat, then the random blonde-haired Abercrombie model they picked up riding the SAG Financial Core isn’t gonna pull it off. And if you think putting Jeremy Irons in your picture will class the joint up, I’d like to introduce you to Exhibit A: Dungeons & Dragons; yet another dragon movie that was based on a successful source material and ended up a back alley movie abortion. Do yourself a favor, skip the flick, read the book and remember that reading is fundamental.

The more you know…

While we’re on the subject, I was researching the whole dragons suck at the box office phenomenon and found that Dragonheart is the highest grossing flick of the bunch. This surprises me because it stars Dennis Quaid. Long the poor man’s Kurt Russell, The Quaid has never been able to open a movie at the box office, even the blockbusters that were gift-wrapped for him. His Jaws sequel, while kitschy fun (“Overman was killed inside the park. The baby was caught inside the park. It’s mother is inside the park.”), was the lowest grossing Jaws of the bunch, up until Michael Caine realized he had a car payment coming up and poof, Jaws 4: The Revenge. His obligatory disaster movie, The Day After Tomorrow, did very well, but was hardly memorable. In fact, the only thing I really remember about it was Jake Gyllenhaal getting chased by crappy CGI wolves and the recycled ID4 shot of a decimated Statue of Liberty (it’s not a rip off if it’s by the same director. The lesson as always: Roland Emmerich = Creative Genius). He couldn’t open his Cheaper By The Dozen rip off (Yours, Mine and Ours), his Topher Grace breakout dramedy (In Good Company), his classy historical epic (The Alamo), or even his lay-up Hugh Grant comedy (American Dreamz). His only hits were because of someone or something else. The Parent Trap was Lindsay Lohan’s vehicle, Traffic was Soderbergh’s masterpiece, The Rookie was a generic sports hero wankjob, Any Given Sunday was an Al Pacino yells a lot flick, directed by Oliver Stone, and Frequency was a modest hit because he co-starred with Jesus. And yet he continues to get cast in big budget movies.

I get that he’s a name, and I do think he’s a good actor (in fact, I loves me The Quaid), but the fact remains, if you want to open at number one, you’ve got the wrong guy. If you need your movie to gross more than $45 million, you don’t want to be in the Dennis Quaid business.

I think every name actor has their own specific box office ceiling. One or more movies may break the ceiling, but in general, their movies will average whatever their ceiling may be. Dennis Quaid is a $45 millioner. When you make a picture with The Quaid, you’re guaranteed a Dennis Quaid 45. And that’s not too bad. He’s a lot higher than some other stars (like Kevin Costner, Matthew Broderick, or Luke Wilson, to name a few). But studios should bare the numbers in mind when considering who to cast in a big money picture. For example, if you’re making a Dennis Quaid 45, don’t spend more than $60 million, otherwise you’re gonna lose your shirt. If you’ve decided to be in the Hilary Duff business, beware of falling stock prices. That’s a free lesson for all you producers out there. You’re welcome.

Here’s a partial list of some other Box Office Star Ceilings.

- The Denzel 88
- The Jack Black 80
- The Kurt Russell 72
- The Drew Barrymore 55
- The John Cusack 50
- The Richard Gere 42
- The Kate Hudson 35
- The Jude Law 26
- The James Franco 17
- The Katie Holmes 0
- The Madonna -5

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THINGS YOU NEED TO SEE

- If I didn’t already think Kate Winslet was awesome, this clip of her on Ricky Gervais’ show Extras would have put her over the top. Side note: who would have thought that all I needed to get into British Television was Kate Winslet musing about rubbing an Oscar on her fanny. Now why didn’t Monty Python think of that?

- If there’s any truth to Ben Stiller making a Zoolander 2, let me go on record as saying that will be freakin’ sweet. And will go a long way to making me forgive Stiller for making Along Came Polly, Meet The Fockers and Envy. But Ben, a word to the wise, if you do make the sequel remember: “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.” That’s a lesson many sequels would do well to learn.

- The hoax in this clip is not Pauly Shore getting punched in the face (which looked more fake that a Direct-to-Video Seagal flick). The hoax is that the audience is laughing at anything coming out of Pauly Shore’s grody mouth. Seriously, he’s the biggest shit tease in the business. If you’re Pauly Shore (which means you suck), you’re not allowed to make a movie called “Pauly Shore Is Dead” and then not actually kill yourself at the end of it. That’s just getting our hopes up for nothing.

- Here’s just about every TV show ever made, free of charge. (http://tvlinks.voodeedoo.org/)

- Matt Damon is working overtime to make me ignore the fact that he looks like a pig-nosed frat boy, and isn’t nearly as fun to watch has his former hetero life mate, Ben Affleck. And I’ll tell you, I’m starting to turn the corner.

- This article is a fascinating look into what could become the new office time clock of the future. I admire Best Buy’s attempts to blend work life and home life, but have zero confidence they could ever port this idea to their retail stores. Have the Best Buy brass ever actually been to one of their stores? Their employees are about as helpful as a blind man in a garden maze, and about as reliable as asking Nicole Ritchie to drive you to the airport. But still, I’m intrigued how other corporations might embrace this radical idea. (http://biz.yahoo.com/special/allbiz120606_article1.html)

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THINGS THAT ARE TUTTLE

The Lady and I peeped the KT Tunstall concert at the Key Club last Thursday, and it was totally tuttle*. We were fifteen feet from her, and next to one of the speakers, so when she hit the high chords on Miniature Disasters it was like being in the most awesome vibrating bed ever. The opening act got canceled, which was great because I hate going to see a singer I love, but being forced to sit through some dipwad in a pony tale Gavin De Graw-ing his way through a 30 minute set just for the privilege. The show was supposed to start at 8pm, and at 8:10 KT walked on stage, went right into Another Place To Fall, and continued to play for a solid 70 minutes.

She played all the hits off of Eye To The Telescope, my favorite songs off of her new record, Acoustic Extravaganza, and gave us some great inside dirt. Apparently, Other Side of the World is her answer to people who think long distance relationships are a good idea (as in: they’re wrong, which is true). Universe & You is a great song to slip the tongue to. And Black Horse, Cherry Tree is in her words “What it takes to stand next to Christina and Sheryl Crow”. Not exactly sure it takes that much to peer yourself with Xtina, but I respect her for giving respect.

She even did a bunch of the patented Dana Carvey rock concert tricks. She did the “lean back and look into the wings” move. She rocked the “head-to-head guitar playing with her bassist” move. She even did the random audience incorporated clapping. And in a most charming endeavor, she forgot the words to both Black Horse and Suddenly I See (which she closed with) midway through each song, and yet still pulled the mistake off with panache, and kept playing. Female musicians always look great when they’re sheepish. It’s a fact.

If Fiona Apple wasn’t worried before about losing her slot as my favorite female vocalist, then she’s completely out of luck now, because she’s been passed over. KT Tunstall is the goods. I will never miss a KT Tunstall show in Los Angeles ever again, or not buy one of her CD’s. She’s that good.

Here’s a little video education on the Level 5 rock factor of KT Tunstall:

Bangarang!

* Tuttle is a reference to the 2001 movie The Others. Tuttle was the name of the dead gardener who never batted an eye to anything that happened in the movie. He was so chill, so unflappable, so ready to roll his eyes at Nicole Kidman, that when my boy Tim and I saw the flick we were awed by his utter awesomeness. For years after, whenever something was a measure beyond “cool”, we dubbed it “tuttle”. And the KT show was totally tuttle. Thus endeth the lesson.

Pam Anderson barely needs a wolf whistle to drop top (not that we want to see it anymore). Heather Graham gave us the duel kindness of showing some skin and promoting proper rollerskate use (she’s quite the humanitarian). Angelina practically has it written into her contract that she gets to unleash her Jolie’s on a grateful nation (as well as kissing girls that now appear on Lost. Which now, come to think about it, Jack really needs to rethink his shitty attitude towards Elizabeth Mitchell. If Gia is any indication, he has a better than average chance of convincing her and Kate to get into a little communal island love. Beat that, fish biscuit-eating Sawyer.). Even Marilyn Monroe, more than forty years ago, gave herself unto us with multiple nude layouts. And she would have done it on-screen if censors hadn’t been such a-holes back then (yet another reason why I don’t watch movies made before 1975. No nudity.). All these confirmed movie hotties were gracious enough to show us the goods, yet Scarlett won’t deign to provide us even a fleeting glimpse of her hugemongous knockers. And I for one am offended.

I think the idea of onscreen nudity has gotten muddled by the existence of the Maxim’s and FHM’s of the world. Aspiring actresses can slut it up in print and still keep their innocence (after all, Allison Hannigan did a 12 page spread in Maxim and she’s the picturesque image of milquetoast dorky Americana). And while we enjoy seeing all the nubile flesh and peek-a-boo hairflips of the third billed lead in the latest lame sport movie, the magazines have robbed us the opportunity to peer pressure hotties into some most excellent gratuitous movie nudity. Girls like Scarlett can say they’ve gotten near nude in various fashion and print layouts, so why do they need to show that extra inch or so of skin, onscreen. What difference would it make? Oh, let me tell you, it makes a difference.

Getting naked doesn’t hold the same stigma it once did. It used to be that if you stripped onscreen you were branded, or typecast, as someone cheap enough to disgrace the acting profession with their evil jumblies. Case in point, Meryl Streep has never been naked in a movie (not that we’d want to see it). But now we don’t think poorly of someone who exposes her blouse bunnies. In fact, we commend them. We applaud their willingness to give their all, to bare their entirety, to us, the little people. That they grace us with their nude presence makes them heroes to a nation of men so overloaded with sexual imagery in advertising and pop culture as a whole, that the only thing that really holds weight anymore is classic movie nudity. Trust me, internet porn is all well and good, but it doesn’t compare to being pleasantly surprised by Katie Holmes’s Cruise-less boobies in the third act of The Gift. That’s Joey from Dawson’s Creek, those are her boobies, and the screen is sixty feet big! Tell me how you top that with a low res jpeg on your Apple iBook? You can’t! Movie Nudity has become the classiest smut on the market. It’s almost high class. And as anyone who’s seen Charlize Theron’s nude work in Two Days in the Valley can attest, it may even be art.

Further, and more to the point, getting naked in a movie can help your career. Look at Halle Berry; she was an above average cutie with female lead potential, but no true star power, until she bribed the producers of Swordfish to give her half a million to introduce her little Bond girls to the world. Six months later she’s crying her eyes out on the Oscar stage. And now she’s an internationally-known movie star with a huge comic book franchise, above the title billing and industry-wide acceptance. Coincidence? I think not.

Or take Alyssa Milano, patron saint of the nude arts, whose hardwork, dedication and unyielding willingness to expose herself in countless low budget Skinemax flicks over the years has turned her into a small screen leading lady, a household name that any show can build an audience on (ditto Jamie Pressly here).

Or follow the example set by Kate Winslet, whose brave decision to get drawn in the buff in Titanic led directly to the film becoming the highest grossing movie of all time (sure, it may have had something to do with emotions, the special effects and grandeur and all that, but for the sake of serving my point, let’s just say it was her ta-ta’s that did it, and call it a day). Think about that. Her British Betties prompted the sale of more than $1.5 billion dollars worth of tickets, worldwide. Those are truly some business booming bazoomers.

When an actress comes on to the scene, and is even remotely attractive, men across the world start an unofficial clock in their heads, that counts down to the moment they get naked onscreen. It’s why we buy those magazines like Stuff and FHM; we’re hoping to catch a preview of future naked goods to come. And when they finally do get naked, we rejoice and thank the girl for her generosity. And we become lifelong fans. Do you think the Cruise-Holmes ship would be so frenetic if she was merely the lead female in a crappy, now-canceled WB teen drama? I think not. But when you give like she gave, we give back. So you see nudity can help build a loyal fanbase. Nudity can help make you seem vulnerable in the eyes of critics and Academy voters. Nudity can buy you a house in Malibu (assuming you are as shrewd an extortionist as Halle). From where I, and rest of the male population stand, nudity has no downside.

Which is why I’m going to give some career advice to a handful of female actors out there, who I think could improve their careers with a little “T” (we’ll save “A” for another column). Hopefully these fine ladies will heed my words and do what they can find an opportunity to display their breasasists in such a manner that it improves the quality of life for them and for us, be it professionally or awesomely, respectively. Ladies, listen close…

KIRSTEN DUNST

Reason To Get Naked: Anything to get me to stop staring in horror at her ugly vampire teeth.

THE OLSEN TWINS

Reason To Get Naked: To prove they’re not really aliens disguised as humans (and if they are, man alive those aliens have bad human disguise making machines. I’ve seen better trickery in Amanda Bynes tranny comedies.).

HILARY DUFF

Reason To Get Naked: To prove she wants more than just a career of Lizzie McGuire movies and vapid TRL appearances. And seriously, with all the work she’s had done, she’s gotten mere minutes until the nation of men collectively start to shudder at her appearance (something Tara Reid knows all about). She needs a reason for us to like her, and that reason is boobies.

WINONA RYDER

Reason To Get Naked: Because we’ve stood by her for all these years, from her still funny performances in Heathers and Beetlejuice to the insufferable Little Women, from the craptacular Autumn in New York to her inglorious shoplifting trial. We’ve watched her bounce from one low-life musician to the next and never judged her choices (Adam Duritz, really?). I think we men have earned the right to get a little unobstructed areola action. So I say “Free Winona (‘s boobies)”!

JENNIFER CONNELLY

Reason To Get Naked: Unless she’s planning on ever cracking a smile on film again, I’m gonna need another reason to drop $14 bucks on her depressing ass movies.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Reason To Get Naked: Showing her little slayer girls may have a Halle Berry effect of finally getting her out of genre movie hell, and onto the A-list (not to mention making my friend Galvez very happy).

SANDRA BULLOCK

Reason To Get Naked: To finally, at long last, replace all those crappy post-Speed, fake nude pics that every guy under 25 downloaded on AOL back in the mid-90’s, with something real.

DENISE RICHARDS

Reason To Get Naked: To remind us all why we began paying attention to her in the first place (because it certainly wasn’t her non-bravura Bond girl performance as a nuclear scientist in The World Is Not Enough).

JESSICA BIEL

Reason To Get Naked: If she ever wants to stop the talk of her looking more and more like a dude with every passing day, she’s gonna have to show us her female naughty bits (note to Biel: please stop working out. No guy wants to look at a girl and think she could kick their ass. It’s not sexy. Just ask Demi Moore.)

WILLA FORD

Reason To Get Naked: It would give America another reason to sit up and go “Who’s Willa Ford?”

ASHLEE SIMPSON

Reason To Get Naked: There’s really only one way to atone for lip-synching her way to a pop career and deceiving millions of people who were forced to listen to her “Pieces Of Me” song, and not be able to get the damn thing out of their head for like two weeks. And that way is boobies.

DAKOTA FANNING

Reason To Get Naked: Just Kidding! (Now Emma Watson on the other hand…)

ELISHA CUTHBERT

Reason To Get Naked: As penance to all the men who paid to see her play a pornstar in The Girl Next Door, only for it not to be worth it because she never got nude. How can you play a pornstar and not put your mammoth mammory glands on grand display? That’s like playing a lasso-wielding stripper in a graphic R-rated movie who doesn’t get gloriously topless even though we paid good money to support her career, to the point where we watched Idle Hands and all we got was two hours of Devon Sawa mugging for the camera. Just pure insanity!

KATE BOSWORTH

Reason To Get Naked: To show the world that her nipples are not multi-colored like her eyes (Though wouldn’t it be cool if they were? Like one pink one, one blue one? Now that would be a Blue Crush I’d be interested in seeing.).

TARA REID

Reason To Get Naked: Because horror shows are in right now.

BRITTANY MURPHY

Reason To Get Naked: There’s nothing hotter than B-list, anorexic, bat shit crazy cokehead boobies (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little).

PENELOPE CRUZ

Reason To Get Naked: There’s only one real way to cure her Box Office Poison disease: (say it with me now) boobies.

ALICIA SILVERSTONE

Reason To Get Naked: Anything to help us forget the one-two shit punch of Excess Baggage and Batman & Robin, and help us remember why she was the ultimate fantasy of millions of guys who religiously watched Mtv ten years ago in the vein hopes they’d replay the Aerosmith “Crazy” video (where she strips down with Liv Tyler and throws money at her), before the next episode of The Real World: San Francisco.

BEA ARTHUR

Reason To Get Naked: Dude, it’s Bea Arthur!

NICOLE RITCHIE

Reason To Get Naked: Little boys take their shirts off all the time.

ORLANDO BLOOM

Reason To Get Naked: Wait, he’s not a chick?

KERI RUSSELL

Reason To Get Naked: Because The Jay has been a very, very good boy this year.

Bangarang!

For me, there has always been one particular first impression that I have never been able to get over. And even though I like the guy a lot (I see his movies, I support his TV show), I can never look at him and not think of one scene from his first major movie.

The guy: Mark Wahlberg

The movie: Fear

The scene: The Rollercoaster Scene

I was fairly young when Fear came out, so besides a passing remembrance of Wahlberg in The Basketball Diaries, the Reese Witherspoon co-starring thriller was my introduction to the man that would be Dirk Diggler. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was before my time, so I never met him as Marky Mark (though that didn’t stop me from calling him that), and I didn’t read fashion magazines so I never knew he was an underwear model. Basically, this guy was nobody to me.

So the movie is going along just fine, Reese is being cute (before she got imminently hateable), Alyssa Milano is rocking her slutty phase and the guy who shot Emilio Estevez in the back in Young Guns 2 is doing a fine job as the over-protective dad. Then Wahlberg shows up, hits on Reese and they go to a carnival. And that’s where things go downhill. I’m sure you all remember the scene. Wahlberg and Reese are strapped into the rollercoaster, things get steamy, and he puts his hand on her leg, works north, and then practically mauls her like a starving rabid dog. And that’s when I thought to myself “Wait a minute, am I really watching Marky Mark fingerblast the chick from Man in the Moon? And also, why he is eating her face?” I was honestly afraid for her life. (NOTE: Movie Title edited as per the many comments pointing out my typo. Always remember, I suck at copy editing.)

You see, Mark Wahlberg has a giant mouth. It’s huge. I’m watching Boogie Nights wondering what the big deal is about his schlong, when I just saw him swallow the entire left side of Julianne Moore’s head. The damn thing freaks me out. So whenever I’m watching a Marky Mark movie, be it Three Kings or The Italian Job, I’m enjoying myself and his performance, but I’m always silently waiting for him to open his hugenormous maw and take a T-Rex size chomp out of the guy blocking his close-up.

And you know what? He’s not the only one. There are a slew of big-mouthed actors out there who freak me out. Watching them do kissing scenes is like watching an “Extreme Animal Mating Ritual” documentary on Animal Planet. Like Minnie Driver hoovering John Cusack in Grosse Pointe Blank, or Jim Carrey planting a full-jawed mauling on Lauren Holly in Dumb and Dumber. It’s the only time I live in fear of an on-screen sex scene. There just so many times you can watch Julia Roberts black out half the screen when she opens her mouth before you start praying Hugh Grant just makes it out of there alive.

In an effort to expose the big-mouthed stars of my nightmares, I have compiled a list of the ten biggest-mouthed stars. But before I unveil the list, let me provide three rules for how I compiled the group:

1. There are no singers on the list. Divas have big-mouths by nature (the bigger to carry that much air, though Jessica Simpson keeps a good lot of hers in her head, too). So you won’t see pre or post-Dirrty Christina, or (famous Lifetime actress and Idol winner) Fantasia Barrino, or Mrs. Lachey, or Steven Tyler. Though you will see one singer, it’s important to note she was an actress before she was a singer (which is how I was introduced to her) and therefore qualifies.

2. I made a distinction between big lips and big mouths. Angelina has the biggest lips in the history of history, but her mouth as a whole isn’t that big, circumference-wise. I’m looking for true diameter here, people! So you won’t see Scarlett Johansson either. Or LL Cool J. Or Mick Jagger.

3. Same goes for stars with big teeth. Teeth have no relation to mouth size. So while the two Hilary’s (Swank and Duff) look like they’re smuggling giant size peppermint chicklets in their mouth, they’re not smuggling them onto this list.

The Ten Biggest Mouths In Hollywood

Honorable Mention: Maria Menounos

Mouth Size: Impossible

Had she starred in a movie or done a few more guest spots on TV I could have justified putting her on the list. I’m going to let my boy A-Train describe the size of the Menounos Mouth: “Her mouth is actually bigger than her head. It extends beyond the sides of her face like a lippy muffin top. I don’t know how it’s physically possible, but it’s true”.

10. Evangeline Lilly

Mouth Size: Big

Talk about first impressions. I’ll always remember her from the pilot episode of Lost where she’s running from the Black Smoke Monster, hides under a tree and starts counting slowly to five. It’s a close-up of her face, with her mouth taking up nearly the entire bottom half of the screen. You needed a wide-screen TV just to stop ABC from having to Pan & Scan. And seriously, why was she so afraid of the monster? She should have just gone out, opened her mouth and growled. Black Smoke Monsters are just like any other fictional animal, you show them dominance and they’ll back down. Either that, or be Mr. Eko. He doesn’t need a big mouth to take down the Black Smoke Monster, he just needs his sweet bible staff, molasses-slow delivery and non-symmetrical facial hair.

9. Marlon Wayans

Mouth Size: Quite Large

He makes a creepy white girl, a creepy baby, and most of all, a generally creepy looking dude. Some comedic actors are famous for being long-limbed and elastic (think Jim Carrey), but Marlon seems almost excessively stretchy. If you think I’m wrong, check out the scene in his first big movie, Senseless, where the camera catches a reverse POV shot of his mouth in one of those fish-eye lens filters that were so prevalent in every rap video in the mid-90′s. It’s like a blue whale sucking in baleen. All plankton (and co-stars) gets sucked into the mouth of Marlon. You’ll never think of him the same way again. Not that you thought terribly well of him before. After all, he did make Dungeons & Dragons.

8. Teri Hatcher

Mouth Size: Huge

I really think Christopher Nolan got it wrong in casting Heath Ledger as The Joker in the next Batman flick. Sure it seems logical to have a one-time gay cowboy / blonde-ringlet sporting jouster / teen heart throb play the most famously sadistic villain in all of comics’ history. But wouldn’t it be more logical to cast someone who actually looks like a cartoon character? I mean, good lord, did Teri Hatcher always look like that, or did she fall into a vat of acid and couldn’t afford a better plastic surgeon? Her smile is literally ear to ear. I’m frankly scared of watching Desperate Housewives now. Who knows when she’ll open her mouth to talk and Eva Longoria will just fall in and disappear. It’ll be like the scene in Hook when the stuffed crocodile eats Dustin Hoffman. “Eva’s gone.” And then all the Wisteria Lane townspeople rejoice.

7. Ryan Seacrest

Mouth Size: Gigantic

When the pictures came out of Mr. Metro and The Teri-Joker making out on a beach in Malibu everyone tripped over each other to call bullshit. He’s gay, this was staged, it was all to pump up his image and get her on the cover of US Magazine (it’s worth noting that he broke the ship off the second the press died down). Me? I could care less about all that stuff. I was more worried that the sounds of their huge-normous jaws clanging together would rupture the earth and we’d have another Northridge Earthquake on our hands. This might be the only time two big-mouthed actors made out and both survived with no collateral damage. Which is more than I can say for that guy Julia mauled in Sleeping With The Enemy. I’m pretty sure he’s dead now. Let’s make sure we keep Seacrest off the set of Lost and away from Evangeline Lilly, or Hawaii may be in for some Godzilla-like trouble.

6. Willem Dafoe

Mouth Size: Enormous

Who knew Jesus had such a large maw? Not only is his mouth quite, quite big, but it’s also freaky scary to boot. I don’t even think he used makeup in that Nosferatu movie he did. They just threw a bald cap on him and said “Go for it!” I’m a big fan of the Dafoe, whether he’s helping out Harrison Ford in Clear and Present Danger, putting leaches on his chest and terrorizing Sandra Bullock in Speed 2, getting a candle wax blowjob and parking garage sushi bar run in Body Of Evidence, or giving a beat down to pansy-ass Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man. The Dafoe is cool. I just wish looking at him didn’t give me stomach convulsions.

5. Samuel L. Jackson

Mouth Size: Gi-Normous

You can’t fault the man for having a big mouth, it’s all the better for sucking enough air in to say all those kick ass 11-letter curse words. Telling someone that “…they deserve to die and hope they burn in hell” is far more terrifying when you see that the mouth alone could probably eat them whole and spit them into their graves. Jackson’s got a great smile, and it’s enhanced by how wide and how long and how diagonal the smile goes. When Sam Jackson laughs you know it, because the area around his body gets 60% darker. When The Man drops a laugh, he creates his own shade. And while you bask in that shade, he calls you a motherfucker. That’s how The Big-Mouthed Man rolls.

4. Rosario Dawson

Mouth Size: Huge-Mongous

You know you have a big mouth when a movie bases its entire marketing campaign around it. Rosario Dawson’s mouth is almost legendary now, what with her half-kissing / half saliva face coating of Clive Owen in Sin City. Not to mention nearly decapitating wee little Colin Farrell in Alexander. Their sex scene was one part erotic, one part torture, and two parts snuff film. No wonder Colin turned to booze and pills. Anything to make him forget the time he spent in Rosario’s mouth. And let’s not even go into her work in Clerks 2. Watching her kiss the lipless Brian O’Halleran was more traumatic then the Jason Mewes tuck scene. She should stick to gnashing on A-list stars and espousing on the joys of dry humping like she did in Kids. That’s how I like to remember her.

3. Mark Wahlberg

Mouth Size: Quite Enor-Huge

Seriously, go back and watch Fear. We were a half-inch smaller Reese Witherspoon squirrel chin from losing the future Elle Woods to the gaping maw of Marky Mark. He just should not be doing kissing scenes with petite actresses. What if he misjudges his approach and ends of chewing on their ear, Tyson-style? He needs to stick with the puffy lippers, as we can’t afford to lose anymore thin lipped beauties. Kissing Charlize Theron in The Italian Job was the safest thing he’s ever done. Her puffy lips created a makeshift damn, thereby containing the Marky Mark Maw. Just think of who he could take out: Christina Ricci, Keira Knightley, Lucy Lui, Anna Faris. We need to stop the starlet swallowing while there’s still time.

2. Alanis Morissette

Mouth Size: Awesomely Huge-Normous

I know she’s a singer, but remember, not only was she on You Can’t Do That On Television (where I first was introduced to her), but she also played God. If I’m including Jesus on this list, I gotta include the big man (or woman, as it were). Alanis’s mouth is big beyond belief. Whenever I see her perform live the microphone looks like it was made to scale. When she opened her mouth and screamed to blow up Ben Affleck in Dogma, the ensuing carnage wasn’t even surprising. It just confirmed my fear of what she and all the other big-mouthed stars are capable of, should we ever truly piss them off. Ever wonder why Alanis-fiancée Ryan Reynolds got so buff so quickly? He was making sure that when the made love she’d have a harder time trying to swallow him. His muscles are a just a mere mouth deterrent. These are the measures one must undertake to survive in a world where at any moment the Morissette Mouth could end us all. I would say pray to God, but that won’t work, because Alanis is God!

1. Julia Roberts

Mouth Size: Gi-Hugenormous-Mongus

You know what the scariest scene in Pretty Woman is? It’s not when George Costanza tries to force himself on Julia. It’s not when Richard Gere picks her up and you think “Wow, Richard Gere just picked up a hooker. I hope this ends up with them falling in love and not him sitting in a free clinic waiting to get treated for genital warts”. No, it’s the scene where Gere gives her the necklace, she goes to touch it and he closes the box on her hand, sending her into a fit of epileptic, giant mouthed laughter. I can’t even watch that scene without my hand over my eyes. The mouth is just so, so big. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that it’s in her contract that she can only be shot with a 70mm widescreen lens, so as not to distort the size of her giant beak. Ever notice that a Julia close-up is never as close up as other actors? It’s because there’s only one Cinerama Dome in the entire world that could fit her mouth on-screen. Ever notice that she only seems to do one kissing scene per movie? It’s because her co-stars are too afraid to shoot a second one. During America’s Sweethearts I was actively begging the screen not to have her kiss John Cusack. He is notoriously small-mouthed, and I feared that one over-exuberant Julia jump would be the end of him. Lloyd Dobler can not fall in the jaws of a hooker with a heart of gold. It just wouldn’t be right.

She will forever be the gold standard for big-mouthed celebrities. Let’s just hope she never makes a movie with anyone on this list, especially Marky Mark. The resulting collision could wipe us all out. Who knew celebrity mouths could be so dangerous?

I did, that’s who.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

What we do have is as close an approximation as we’re going to get: Movie Stars. Movie Stars are the equivalent of superheroes, there pretty, they’re in peak physical condition, they’re charismatic (most of them anyway) and most of all, we idolize them. Sure their heroics are usually reserved for the silver screen, but for most star struck fans, movie stars are mortal gods. The true believers don’t spend much time discerning the difference between saving the world on DVD, and saving it in real life. When Bruce Willis drops the nukes onto the asteroid, or Dennis Quaid walks from Washington D.C. to New York (in 3 days!), or Nic Cage pops green smoke on Alcatraz, some people really believe they are watching the actions of a superhero.

And you know what? Who am I to tell them otherwise? Really, who’s to say that they AREN’T superheroes? That they don’t have powers beyond mortal imagination? If you think about it chances are good that most movie stars do have super powers; the power to charm millions of people, the power to make men fall in love with them, the power to cure all forms of illness ever invented by humans (Thanks Tom!). I know for a fact that some celebrities have, at the very least, suspicious abilities. For example, Reese Witherspoon, who has the ability to annoy me whenever I see watch her movies. Or Sean Connery who has the ability to keep his Scottish accent no matter where his character is from. Or Samuel L. Jackson who commands the F-Bomb with an almost preternaturally high level of difficulty.

In all seriousness, I know Movie Stars don’t REALLY have superpowers. The closest they come is through CGI and make-up. But wouldn’t it be cool if it were true? If CGI didn’t exist and Tobey Maguire really could shoot spider webs out of his wrists? If Will Smith really could fly a fighter jet into an alien mothership and Jeff Goldblum could take down an advanced alien technology with a simple Apple iMac virus? Yes, things would be a lot cooler if celebrities were mutants with superhuman abilities (as opposed to the regular mutants they are now).

And that thought got me wondering, if Movie Stars really DID have superpowers, what would they be? I thought about it for a while, made some wild assumptions and eventually figured it out. Here’s what I came up with:

Morgan Freeman: Superhuman Narrating Abilities

Tom Cruise: Unlimited Scientology Powers (Do not face him in battle, his powers are LIMITLESS!)

Ben Affleck: Critical Praise Repellent (To stop those pesky good reviews.)

Keanu Reeves: Charisma Boost

Colin Farrell: Superhuman Liver Capacity

Nic Cage: Voice Amplification (to combat the mumbles)

Nicole Kidman: Anti-Wrinkle Powers (concentrated in the forehead region)

Vince Vaughn: Rapid Fire Vocal Capabilities (as well as heightened wit)

Jessica Biel: Stronger than ten men.

Jim Carrey: Elasticity

Hilary Swank: Gender-Changing Abilities

George Clooney: Commitment Shield (natch)

Jim Caviezel: Jesus Powers (Rumors confirmed by respected San Diego anchorman Ron Burgundy)

Sylvester Stallone: Gravity Defying Physique (powers currently fading)

Lindsay Lohan: The ability to turn her crotch into both Fire AND Ice, depending on the situation (or her mood).

Jessica Alba: Can turn pre-pubescent boys into mush.

Sean Connery: Superhumanly Cool Accent

Cameron Diaz: Magical Swirling Ass (Must be contained for fear of inciting Global Thermo-Nuclear War.)

Hayden Christensen: Franchise-killing powers

Diane Lane: Alien beauty that improves with age.

Russell Crowe: Can throw a cell phone faster than a speeding bullet; can also unleash hell on command.

Vin Diesel: Can walk backwards into shadow better than any man on Earth.

Drew Barrymore: Vocal lisp doubles as an all-powerful cuteness generator.

Hilary Duff: Super-Strong Teeth (Attained by accident through an incident involving nuclear waste, a bottle of white-out and an ill-advised horse-tipping.)

Hugh Jackman: Adamantium Endo-Skeleton, Mutant Healing Powers

Anne Hathaway: Hypnotic Yabbos

Samuel L. Jackson: Bad Mutha Fucka!

Paul Walker: Human Wood-Pencil Sharpener

Jennifer Lopez: Impervious Backside.

Jack Nicholson: No actual powers, he’s just that cool.

Al Pacino: Sub-Sonic Vocal Capabilities (In other words, he can yell really loud.)

Brad Pitt: Armor Abs

Julia Roberts: Mega-Watt Smile, ability to power a city with a single lip curl.

The Rock: Raised eyebrow sends out a debilitating energy pulse.

Donald Trump: “Hair” Doubles as Emergency Follicle Parachute

David Schwimmer: Superhuman Caucasian-ness

Winona Ryder: Thrifty

Uma Thurman: Can perform deadly five point palm-exploding heart technique.

Christopher Walken: Heightened Monologue Performance Powers

Emma Watson: Jailbait

Renee Zellwegger: Impenetrable Scrunchy Face

Angelina Jolie: All-Powerful Lips

Tara Reid: Party Monster

Kate Beckinsale: Looks really good in black leather.

Bruce Willis: Unbreakable; also, Dies Hard; also, is really a ghost.

Katie Holmes: Zombie

Robin Williams: Covered in fur; also super-speed (emphasis on “speed”).

Britney Spears: Parenting Powers

Michael Jackson: Putty Nose conceals secret all-powerful young boy magnet.

Derek Zoolander: Really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Chuck Norris: Unparalleled martial arts abilities; also, his tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Bangarang!

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