Jessica Biel

Arts & Crap With Jessica Biel

Dec 4th, 2008
by Jason Matthews.
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I'm definitely seeing this movie.

“Look at that TERRIBLE cupcake! Yuck! Can she do anything right? I’m nine and I make a better pastry that this moron. And to think, she gets to rub cooties with Justin!

I mean, how hard is it to decorate a cupcake? It’s frosting and candy, done. Simple. She didn’t even cover the sides! And what’s going on with those dewdrops? Did no one teach her spatial relations? I’ve seen first grade finger painting with more nuance.

Look at mine, here. Layered, tall, proud, more aesthetically pleasing than Stealth. Perfect matrix of white marshmallows. Precise ratio of frosting to white cake. It’s really pretty! I bet that dirty guy who lives in the alley behind the Burger King wouldn’t even EAT hers. And I know he’s hungry. I read it on his cardboard sign.

Justin prolly doesn’t respect her cause she’s so dumb at making things. But I’m way super at arts & crafts.

If he could only see the paper mache ashtray I made for my lame-o Dad, I know he’d like me more. He would appreciate my work! And, like, he would totally put my water color painting of my dog Zac Efron on his refrigerator. Oh, and my cotton ball Santa is basically a perfect likeness. So there.

Why is she hogging the red frosting? She KNOWS I need it. What a hogger! Jessica Biel sucks at sharing. When she’s not looking, I’m totally rubbing a booger on her jacket.

And, you know, I haven’t taken sex education yet, but I’m pretty sure Jessica is one of those girls who’s also a boy.”

Bangarang!

Inside the Minds of the Justin and Jessica

Oct 6th, 2008
by Jason Matthews.
2 comments

/Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel arrive at a wedding

She’s Thinking: I said wear the burgundy tie. I’ll be in a burgundy dress, so we’d match. But no, he had to wear the gunmetal grey.

He’s Thinking: My look is sharp, yo! Tizzle tizzle!

She’s Thinking: I put highlights in my hair. I put on make-up. I waxed my legs. I filed down my man shoulders. I did my nails. I sharpened my nose. I am, as always, presentable to the public. But is he? Uh, no. He thinks just because he’s a global sex icon he can get away with looking like a bum. And you know what, he can. But would it KILL HIM to use some damn shampoo once a month?

He’s Thinking: I’m mad at my Bic, and now my beard is thick. What goes around, comes around. WICKA WICKA, REH REH. Bust it! On fyah!

She’s Thinking: I’m not going to drink tonight, because I am in training. Have to keep my figure on lock down. That Megan Fox is gaining on me. And I don’t have the luxury of looking like a natural woman, like her. I have to WORK at it. It takes DEDICATION! Look at him, drunk already.

He’s Thinking: Splishity Sploshity, bitches! JT hear ta holla! Imma get some cake and eat it! Sing-y!

She’s Thinking: Just stay focused, Jessica. Dating Justin is good for your image. You won’t get anymore of those linebacker jokes. People won’t comment on how hard your face is, or how weirdly buff your arms are. Ellen will finally stop calling you. You’re close Biel. CLOSE! Just glaze your eyes over. And… glazed.

He’s Thinking: Man, her hands be strong, B! Like a linebacker with weirdly buff arms.

She’s Thinking: God, he still REEKS of Cameron Diaz. I’m never getting the smell of three-day meth binge out of my apartment.

He’s Thinking: Who’s got two thumbs and loves the McConaughey hygiene plan?

She’s Thinking: I bet he forgot the gift, too.

He’s Thinking: Good thing I always have a gift handy. (pulls box out) Let me just write down the instructions. Step 1…

She’s Thinking: If it wasn’t for his excellent musical taste and sexy dancing style, I swear, I would never go out of my way to be so feminine.

He’s Thinking: I’m Mrs. Oh My God that Britney’s Shameless! Who wants a Piece of Me? Damn, that shit be catchy! Imma ask the DJ to play at. And then Imma gonna dance! JT! DROP THAT TROMBONE BEAT!

Bangarang!