Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay's Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.

Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.

So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:

Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ‘splosions!!!!

Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.

Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!

Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!

Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.

Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.

Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!

Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!

Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed

Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1

Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.

Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…

Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.

Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.

Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!

Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..

Bangarang!

What Tony Romo Is Thinking: No huddle, on the 30, defense in Cover 2, Coach calls the smash route, my progression is key corner, then hitch underneath. If the cornerback sinks back to stop the corner route, I throw the hitch; if he comes up for the hitch, I throw the corner. The corner route will be between 22-25 yards downfield. I must throw the ball into the open grass so T.O. can go and get it. If the defense is in man to man the short side of the field will make the depth of the route 18-22 yards. T.O. will close the defender’s cushion, push him inside and plant to the corner. Barber picks up the blitz, buys me time, I pump fake to draw the safety, give motion to the opposite side so the linebackers pull up and I get a clear lane. I set my trajectory at 25 yeards, post out, set my feet and launch. T.O. grabs it and we get six, easy as Sunday morning. And everybody loves me.

What Jessica Simpson Is Thinking: “Hot Dogs! Armour Hot Dogs! The dogs kids love to BIIIITE!”

Bangarang!