The Jay » Joaquin Phoenix

I'm definitely seeing this movie.

I’d usually have some nominal post gimmick here; something to justify posting a random picture of celebrity. Not this time. No need for it. I just wanted to point out a few things.

Joaquin Phoenix - Hey guy, guess what? All of us? STILL don’t miss you. We’ve forgotten you had ever been in the movies. IN FACT, we are DElighted you have retired to become a dirty hippy douchebag. And even though your new movie Two Lovers is apparently a tour de force romantic drama that showcases two of my favorite things on the planet (Vinessa Shaw and Gwyneth Paltrow in pain), I will not pay to watch it in theaters. For I will NOT contribute to the remote possibility that the world gets a hint of a thought of a passing memory of that time you part of the only good scene in The Village (”I will dance with you at our wedding”), and starts mourning the loss of your acting anti-talents.

Also? Brad Pitt’s grody failed attempt to star in The Fountain beard and Devendra Bernhardt’s lame, artsy Portman-catcher called on a three-way party line, they wanted me to let you know you look like an idiot.

Diddy - Remember when I learned all the words to “Victory” (NIN Remix)? Remember when you were tagging J.Lo and Kanye West couldn’t sniff your drawers? Remember when you impressed me by running the New York Marathon? Remember when Dave Chappelle punked you (”Breast Milk, you made my daaaaay!”) and we all had a good laugh at your expense, but secretly smiled cause you were such a great personality?

Those days are over. Please refrain from existing in pop culture.

Casey Affleck - Hey guy, how are you? Got nothing but love for you; no haterade at all. Not even Diet Haterade. You were superb in Gone Baby Gone, and you know I like that you made my boy Ben’s directorial debut come off so great. But seriously, sir, why are you in this picture? Why are you associating yourself with this level of douchebag? Shouldn’t you be hanging with a better class of talent? Like Chris Brown and Ryan Gosling? Or Dave Grohl and Andy Samberg (you three could make a great SNL Digital Short involving a bodily fluid expelling into a random item of clothing.)?

C’mon guy, step up to your level of awesome.

Bangarang!

Dear Joaquin,

Hey! I just heard about your retirement from acting. I wanted to wish you my sincere congratulations on this momentous life change, and my sincerest hope that you achieve all the goals of your newfound musical career. When one desires to break away from what they know and venture down the road less traveled, the journey is always fraught with obstacle, peril and doubt, but one is pulled up on that journey by the wings of hope and support. We, as your fans, will be those wings, carrying you to your true path of musical greatness.

Your journey, THE journey, demands admiration by those who lack the fortitude, discipline and desire to go the lengths you are beginning to reach for. And I, good sir, admire you.

It takes a strong talent to walk away from the money and fame inherent in movie stardom. You have excelled in your field; you have risen above your peers, having fought for everything you’ve ever had. From your pseudo-cleft palette to being in the shadow of your more talented fallen brother (may River rest in peace), from your surly attitude to your general insolence to the protocol of Hollywood. Two Oscar nominations, great box office heights, critical acclaim, celebrity girlfriends; your story is one of perseverance and passion. Your story is a great one. One I look forward to hearing it in the lyrics of your music.

Yes, the world will never know another thespian like Joaquin Phoenix. And I will be the first to mourn your retirement from acting, inconsolable from the loss of such a titan of the craft. Such a thunderbolt of charisma. Such a star of stars.

Via con dios, Mr. Phoenix. Via con dios…

Wait.

WAIT!

Oh my God, I JUST remembered, Joaquin, I don’t give a shit about you! In FACT, I have never cared about you as an actor. Ever! And I’m fairly certain you’re a right douchebag.

WHOA. Can’t BELIEVE I almost forgot about that. Fa real, that was a close one.

Seriously, Joaquin, no one cares. You won’t be missed. You have contributed exactly zero point zero point nothing to the canon of cinema. Your best work was opposite gruff Aussie actors far better than yourself, in films that were great in SPITE of you. Hell, you were overshadowed by Reese Witherspoon in a biopic for which YOU were playing the guy being bioed!

Am I supposed to give two Jerseys that the second lead of Ladder 49 is calling no mas on his acting career? That the only child actor of the 80’s NOT in a classic 80’s movie (and NO, Space Camp doesn’t count) is choosing to follow the career paths of Johnny Depp and Keanu Reeves, BOTH of whom were superior talents and even still FAILED at music and returned to acting?

How about “no”, OK?

There has not been ONE moment in the history of my life where your presence in a movie caused me to pay cash money to watch. I have never woken up with a sudden craving to sit down for a Joaquin Phoenix movie marathon. I tolerated you. At best. And in the three years since you had a movie out worth watching, I haven’t missed you.

So go. Go right along and DABBLE in music. Which you will no doubt be as middling in as Terrence Howard, RoDoJu, Johnny, Keanu, Shane West, Eddie Murphy, Bruce Willis, Kevin Bacon, Joey Lawrence and Billy Bob Thornton.

Go take your bullshit attitude, your “I hate the press” demeanor and your all black wardrobe CLEARLY stolen from John Cusack and disappear into some grungy LA bar, never to be heard or seen from again. I can’t wait till your begging the bored US Weekly papz sitting outside the Roxy on a slow Tuesday night to please, pretty PLEASE, take your picture!

Go do your music. BUT! Never forget, not for one second, that you are replaceable. Know that Beyonce song? That’s you, bitch. Put a ring on it and be gone. We’ll be just fine.

After all, without you, there’s still this guy: