It’s not often that a celebrity admits when they’re wrong. Scandals come and go, but count how many times you’ve actually heard Lindsay or Paris admit the wrongness of their actions or words. You can probably count the number on your thumb. And even then, the detraction was more than likely court-ordered.

So color me stunned when famed Dawson Leery sloppy seconds lover, Tom Cruise, went on the Oprah Winfrey show last week and admitted he was “wrong” about his comments on post-partum depression. He apologized for attacking Brooke Shields, and expressed his newfound belief that post partum depression can not be cured simply by taking vitamins (though, he did also claim that an Orange Wilma Flintstone vitamin cured him of “abnormal thoughts” back in 1996, so maybe he hasn’t learned that much). He further explained that he felt “pressed” by the media during his couch-jumping, batshit crazy period, and regrets saying a lot of things on TV.

The newly humble Cruise, fresh off the monumental failure that was Lions For Lambs, still plugging his ongoing sham marriage, and desperate for the love we all once had for the diminutive star, ran down a litany of things he once said or did that he now believes are mistakes. I have collected those comments for your perusal. You can judge just how truly sorry he is for the “mistakes” he once made.

OTHER THINGS TOM CRUISE WAS WRONG ABOUT:

• Tom admitted that he was wrong to date Penelope Cruz for two years. Not because they weren’t a happy couple, but because she had only signed a deal to be his beard for 18 months, and the negotiation for the additional six months was pretty onerous. Also, because he could never understand a word she was saying.

• Turns out, all the research Tom claimed to have conducted about drug addiction wasn’t actually factual medical information. It was just an early draft of the Requiem for a Dream script that got left on his desk (in his defense, Jared Leto can be quite confusing).

• Despite his initial fears, luring, capturing and commanding the mind of a teen soap star was far easier than Tom thought. Dealing with Scarlet Johansson, on the other hand, was just as annoying as predicted. He then wished Ryan Reynolds well in navigating that husky-voiced, square-bodied landmine.

• Tom regrets choosing to play a Nazi as his big comeback film; feels it may NOT have been the best vehicle for getting back into the hearts of the American people. In related news, Valkyrie has been delayed a full year while filmmakers try to figure out how to make a Nazi Tom Cruise appealing to anyone beyond the day staff at the Celebrity Center.

• Tom has come to realize, after many moments of soul-searching, that association with Ben Stiller in any form might be detrimental to his already damaged public image. Just ask Owen Wilson (too soon?).

• Electrocuting the most beloved TV personality in the world? Maybe not his finest hour.

• Tom doesn’t view his comments on the infamous Scientology Video as a mistake; he was speaking from the heart, and meant what he said. But looking back, maybe he wouldn’t wear the black turtleneck; that much neck fat should really only be rocked by a Thanksgiving Day turkey, or by John Goodman.

• And of course, he regrets hiring a sex doctor to teach him and then wife Nicole Kidman how to have realistic looking straight people sex for his Stanley Kubrick misfire, Eyes Wide Shut. Though the doctor was able to work through Tom’s awkwardness around the naked female form and successfully get the couple to look like they like each other on film, he was not, however, able to achieve Tom’s ultimate goal of the arrangement: convincing Tom that girls don’t have cooties. Sadly, Katie Holmes must now bath in an anti-cootie solution before and after she comes into the bedroom. And by” bedroom”, I of course mean “mind prison”.

So as you can see, Tom showed much contrition about his crazy antics of the last few years. He clarified comments, apologized for weird behavior and even acknowledged the creepiness of Ben Stiller. But the one thing Tom did not do? The one thing Tom will never agree was a mistake? Putting Colonel Jessup on the stand. He wanted answers. And after all, he was entitled to them! The big question is: can he still handle the truth? At least for today, the answer seems to be a resounding “sort of”.

Bangarang!

OHH! OHH! My little bubbala! I love ya! You’re precious! You love your Bubba? Enh? You love Bubba Katie? You are such a dear! The way I kvell about you at the Synagogue? They haven’t seen kvelling like this! They tell me: “Katie, with the kvelling, give it a rest! We know she’s cute. God forbid she could have had a less shiksa face, but what can you do? You love her, we love her, go eat something!” But how can I nosh when I think of you? Enh? Enh?

How’s your Dad, enh? He being a mensch? He could stand to call me once in a blue moon, you know? Like I don’t exist, he treats me! Like I can’t care for myself! Such a pisher sometimes. Did you know your Bubba used to work? Enh? Back before I was taken, I used to be an actress. A good one, too. OHH! Bigger than life, I was. I did a cable show where I schmoozed with this blonde goya who lived on a creek, but I ended up schtuping his nudnik best friend. It was a whole megillah I won’t bore you with today. But let me tell you, back in those days, Grammy Katie had moves.

You know what I was? I was smart! I had some common sense, some saykhel. I wasn’t some attractive blonde with a rock hard tucchis. But what I had was a rack! And I used it! I figured show your goods in a movie once, you have the boys foreva. And it worked! OHH! How the gentiles lined up for me! But what do I know, enh, I threw it all away to marry some fercockta schlemiel I used to have a poster for on my bedroom wall. And now I’m bupkes…

Let me give you a tip, my bissel: never marry a man with a big schnoz. The complexes these men have with their shvantzes! I can’t begin. Oy!

But you gotta learn these lessons now. You got it different than that toehead Shiloh. With her lips and those WASP-y cheekbones. A golden calf, she is! Moses, coming down from Mt. Sinai, would break the tablets for her, are you kidding me? But not for you. You gotta work for it. We yentas always do. First chance you get, you latch onto the cutest teen hearthrob you can find and you mach schnell from this madness. Don’t think you can run a marathon and just disappear. Trust me, I know these things. I LIVED these things! May you not KNOW what I’ve had to go through to make it to this day. Anne Frank on her worst day WISHES she was married to my Tommy! You don’t need that. Like a hole head in the head, you need that! Hear me? Enh Enh!

My little bubbalah, you are a delight! But oy gevalt, all this talking and not eating tires me out. I need a pickle and a nap! Let’s go find our happy place and rest our eyes. The nebbish will be home from the Oprah taping soon and I don’t need his mishegoss so early in the day. It would be so hard for him to come and tell me he loves me without some grand display? Hopping on things doesn’t put food on the table or love in the bedroom, you know this?

Oh, my little Suri, I love ya so much! Your Bubba is wild about you. I could just plotz, having you in my arms! I hope you know that. If only I could take you and find life without persecution, I would be so happy. But our people have always been oppressed. Such is life. I should just stop kvetching and take my brain pills. My sweet, sweet brain pills. I take them and I feel like I am back on the creek, kibitzing with those beautiful, normal goyim, who loved my rack so much. Those were the days…

Oy Vey!

OHH, OHH! Tommy! My bubeleh! How are you, dear? Huh? How are ya? You look thin! Why don’t you eat? Enh? Enh? How come you never eat? What, you trying to impress a girl? She’ll like you as you are or pttt pttt she’s not worth it. OH! You look so cute in your big boy suit, all farpitz. And you’re getting so tall. When did you get so tall? Huh? Soon I’ll be lookin up at you, enh? What a day!

Are you excited for your Bar Mitzvah? Enh? You been working with the Rabbi? Learning your Torah? Oh, you’re such a good little boy, Tommy. I love you. You know? Grammy loves you! She could stand to hear from you more often, like it would kill you to pick up a phone, do a mitzvah, but I love you.

So how’s life there? Vi gaits? School good? Friends good? Got yourself a girlfriend? Heartbreaka, you are! Oof! I always tells your mutha, that Tommy is gonna be a heartbreaka! Enh? You got a little girlfriend? Enh? Tell your grandmutha. She better be good to you, hear me? Let me tell you, it was different in my day. Back when I was living in the creek, must have been sixty years ago now, it was a different time. No cell phones, no internet. Just me, your Grandfather Pacey, Mi Amocha, may he rest in peace, and the creek. I was working as a server, you know what a server is? I was a waitress. Ha! Like a girl of my looks shoulda been doing that, I won’t ever know! Don’t get me started, enh!

I chased after your Grandfather! And let me tell you, he was quite the looka! Ooh! Full head of hair, attitude for days, a rebel like you don’t even know! Feh! He used to sleep with teachers, oy gevald! But he was a good man. I straightened him out. And he was a good grandfather, right? Ohh Tommy, such a great grandson! Are we gonna nosh? Let’s go nosh. Your grandmutha needs to feed you, you don’t get enough food.

I saw this interview you did on the computuh; my nurse showed it to me. You were on the TV with that big African girl and you were making such a scene, I don’t get it. What is this fercockta business with the couch? Why do you have to make such a fuss? You were always such a mensch. Don’t be such a pisher, girls aren’t gonna like you, you act meshuga like that. Let your Bubba tell you what’s what. You grow up and get a good job, be a docta or a lawya, and you make a family. Be smart. This acting business, feh, all it ever is is he schtupped her , she wears what, k’vestch k’vestch, and none of them ever eat. You want that for yourself, Tommy? Everything in the world such a shanda? Listen to your Grammy, she’s old, she knows what she’s talking about.

Alright, alright, I’m tired, oy vai, time to get me home. Tommy, you are a good boy taking your poor old Grammy out to lunch. You’re a good kid, you know that? You’re a good kid. How you doin’ with money? Enh? You need some gelt, Grammy’ll give you some gelt. No arguin’, just put it in your pocket, save it, buy yourself something nice. Alright? OK? Give me a kiss goodbye. Mazel tov, bubeleh. Go do something good now. Something fun for your Grammy, sitting up here in this home all by herself. Nothing and nobody to talk to.

Don’t forget to call your Grandmutha once in a while! It wouldn’t kill ya!

Oy vey!

As a entertainment blogger it’s important that I’m able to find just the right picture to go with a particular story. If I’m writing about, say, Tara Reid being a model citizen, as I do, and I type “Tara Reid Model Citizen” into the Google Image search, it’s imperative I find just the right picture of her drunkenly passed out on the streets of Ibiza (the joke comes from the irony!). My blogger brethren and I depend on image searches to add visual stimulation to our pieces, punctuate jokes, and sometimes, to create whole posts.

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

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Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

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Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

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Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

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Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

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Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

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Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

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Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

Former WB It-girl and current Scientology Bride Katie Holmes ran the New York City Marathon this past weekend. She had a lot of time to think about things during her five hour twenty-nine minute run, and by crazy fictional coincidence, I’ve acquired her brain log from the event. Here now is a mile-to-mile breakdown of what Katie was thinking during the race:

Pre-Race Warm-Up: Oh, is there a race going on? Heck, the one day I get the courage to run out on Tom. How’s that for ironic. I’m like Alanis Morissette, except she’s God and I’m not allowed to believe in God. Which is lame cause Tom said- NO! Focus, Holmes! You have a race to run. And if it turns out that you can sneak past Tom at the finish line, you have a new life to live! Get it together!

Mile 1: Wow, it feel so nice being outside on my own. I was starting to forget what it was like not having Scientologists trailing my every move. Now if I can just find a Doctor willing to take the GPS chip out of my neck…

Mile 2: Running is easy! I always did think David Beckham was a pussy. Don’t know why Tom insists on watching all his practices. And post-game showers.

Mile 4: Ooh, is that a Prada store? Eh, I wasn’t gonna win this race, anyway. It was just a chance to get an approved release from the compound. Shopping Break!

Mile 6: “I don’t wanna wait… for our lives to be over…”

Mile 8: I have Diane Keaton in my next movie, too. So suck on THAT, non-enslaved Mandy Moore!

Mile 9: Starting to get numb. Really wish Tom woulda let me take some Advil before the race. But he knows everything, and I’m not fully detoxed of my Christian ways yet. Stupid Top Gun crush!

Mile 10: I wonder when I’ll get to see my family again? Tom says soon, but what does that mean?

Mile 11: Did I really name my kid Suri? Wasn’t I from Ohio at some point? Man, I am not in control.

Mile 12: Starting to regret not wearing a bra.

Mile 13: Is it weird that sometimes when Tom’s away on location I watch my nude scene from The Gift and masturbate with his Jerry Maguire Golden Globe? Shake it off, Holmes! No explanations necessary. You’re doing what you have to do to survive!

Mile 14: Maggie Gyllenhaal. Yikes!

Mile 15: “I want to know right now, what will it be… whoa whoa whoa whoa!”

Mile 16: Yep, total bra regret.

Mile 17: One of these days I’m gonna drop the rope-a-dope and smile from the left side of my face. I will BLOW PEOPLE’S MINDS!

Mile 18: Why am I still running? I’m rich! Can’t I pay some poor Latin girl to do this for me?

Mile 19: “Fuck, fuck, FUCK THA POLICE! N-woooord!“

Mile 21: OMG, this is the worst decision I have ever made. Worse than First Daughter. Worse than dropping out of the Batman sequel. Worse than being contracted to Tom for the next decade. Well, maybe not so much that last one…

Mile 23: I miss Pacey. I don’t care that he was fictional. He bought me a wall!

Mile 24: “I don’t wanna wait, for our lives-” DAMN! That is such an annoying song!

Mile 25: I hope he’s not waiting for me. I hope he’s not waiting for me!

Mile 26: Dammit, there he is! Any chance he doesn’t notice me? Can I just run by him and plead ignorance? No, shit, he’s got the kid. The guy is cunning, I’ll give him that. Alright Katie, you can do this. Just suck it up like all the other times. Smile the desperation smile, kiss him like you’re doing the edited sex scene from Thank You For Smoking (mmm, Aaron Eckhart. I miss real men…) and take Suri away from him the first chance you get.

Finish Line: Yay, I did it! I’m so proud of myself! Alright, here he comes. Well, looks like I missed my chance to be free. Maybe next year, Katie. Maybe next year…

Bangarang!