INT. AMERICAN IDOL PRODUCTION OFFICE

David Archuleta sits alone at a table.

He licks his lips.

The door opens and the American Idol producers enter. Simon Cowell sits down across from David. A thick file folder slaps down on the table between them.

David glances at the name on the file: “Archuleta, David.”

SIMON COWELL: As you can see, we’ve had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Archuleta.

He opens the file. Paper rattle marks the silence as he flips several pages.

SIMON COWELL: It seems that you have been living two lives. In one life, you are David Archuleta, awkward fifteen year-old throat surgery survivor and son to a control freak stage father. You have an Xbox, you get good grades and you help your Mom… carry out the garbage. The other life is lived on TV where you go by the stage alias DAVID! ARCHULETA!, and are guilty of virtually every tween pop star crime we have a law for.

David licks his lips. Smiles vacantly.

SIMON COWELL: One of these lives has a future. One of them does not.

He closes the file. Rubs his nipples.

SIMON COWELL: I’m going to be as forthcoming as I can be, David. You are here because we need your help. We know that you have been competing against a certain individual. A man who calls himself “David Cook”. Whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant to the fact that he is wanted for acts of musical awesomeness by more record labels than any other musician in the world. He is considered by many A&R reps to be the most marketable male solo act alive.

Simon leans closer…

SIMON COWELL: My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe you want to win the competition. And that Randy is an idiot. It is obvious that you are a talented singer, Mr. Archuleta, and that you are interested in not getting beat with a switch by your lunatic stage father. That is why I believe you are ready to put your past mistakes behind you, like forgetting the words in Top 12 week and the entire Beatles fiasco, and get on with the season.

David licks his lips. Tries to keep his eyes open. Fails.

SIMON COWELL: We are willing to wipe the slate clean, to keep Ryan away from you backstage and to give you a free pass to the Finals and all we are asking in return is your cooperation in bombing the finale so that we can bring the most talented male Idol to our record label.

David nods to himself. Licks his lips.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Yeah. Uh. Wow. Hehehe. Aw, that sounds like a good deal. Thanks! Thank you! (licks lips) But I think I have a better one, ooooh ohhh yeeeaaah! How about I, uh, perform “Imagine” on the finale and the viewers give me the crown whether you want to or not. Whoa oh oh oh!

Simon gives David moose ears.

SIMON COWELL: You disappoint me, Mr. Archuleta.

DAVID ARCHULETA: You can’t scare me with your English person crap. I know my rights. I want to tape the next Ford commercial now!

Simon smiles.

SIMON COWELL: And tell me, Mr. Archuleta, what good is shooting the Ford commercial if you are unable to lick your lips?

David looks worried. Strangely he begins to feel the muscles in his jaw tighten. He feels his lips grow soft and sticky as they slowly seal shut, melding into each other until all traces of his mouth are gone.

SIMON COWELL: You are going to help us, David, whether you want to or not.

David’s eyes go wide with fear. How will he lick his lips now?

To be continued…

Bangarang!

In honor of (the best actor known to humankind) Keanu Reeves’ new movie “Street Kings” opening this Friday, I have created an extensive quiz to help you determine which Keanu Reeves character you are.

Which Keanu will you be?

Johnny Utah

Neo

Ted “Theodore” Logan

Kevin Lomax

Weepy Keanu

Take the quiz and find out!

Bangarang!

Watch the video before you read on!

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My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

As a entertainment blogger it’s important that I’m able to find just the right picture to go with a particular story. If I’m writing about, say, Tara Reid being a model citizen, as I do, and I type “Tara Reid Model Citizen” into the Google Image search, it’s imperative I find just the right picture of her drunkenly passed out on the streets of Ibiza (the joke comes from the irony!). My blogger brethren and I depend on image searches to add visual stimulation to our pieces, punctuate jokes, and sometimes, to create whole posts.

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

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Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

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Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

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Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

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Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

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Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

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Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

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Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

Bangarang!