So People Magazine has named Matt Damon 2007’s “Sexiest Man Alive”. Which I guess is a fine choice if you like pig-nosed frat boy looking dudes who happen to play bad ass amnesiac spies. I’m a fan of the guy (and it should probably be stated, completely straight), but let’s get real, he’s not better looking than Clooney, Depp or Jude, he just put out a few good movies this year. Also, it was his turn as per the Ocean’s Eleven Collective Sexiest Cast Agreement (if they do a Fourteen, it’s Cheadle’s turn).

The award itself has always gotten way too much press for no particular reason (cause who’s judging this thing, Perez Hilton?), and the distinction is pretty arbitrary (after all, Nick Nolte has one of these). It’s usually nothing more than an opportunity to go on Letterman and make fun of the other guys in the running (this was the sole reason Clooney won last year), and since that’s not even possible this year, the award is especially meaningless. But I guess I gotta be happy for Matt Damon (MATT DAMON!). Bourne Ultimatum was a sweet, sweet flick, he was enjoyable in a rejuvenated Ocean’s Thirteen, he does a hilarious Matthew McConaughey impression and it just makes karmic sense that if Affleck has one of these, Damon needs one too.

And just for funsies:

But what really interests me is not why Damon won, but why everyone else didn’t. So I compiled a list of potential cover boys and tried to come up with a solid excuse for why each of them lost to the star of Stuck On You. Here’s what I came up with:

Brad Pitt – Sexiest Man Alive status called into question as his face is looking more and more like a leather sofa with a bit too much water damage.

Ben Affleck – After already having won the award, did his BFF a favor by graciously bowing out of the race and instead focusing on tagging his hot spy wife, raising his kid, making the best crime drama of the last half decade, and not being a tool. Was a wise choice.

Benicio Del Toro – Maybe if this was People’s “Most Disheveled Man Alive” Award.

Dane Cook – Was in the running until the judges looked at a picture of him, and immediately horked the chicken caeser wraps they had for lunch.

Mark Wahlberg – Did not have a movie to promote, so hence did not win. Also, layout artists for the mag were worried they wouldn’t be able to fit his gihugenormous maw on the cover and no one wanted to fit the bill for a double fold. However, if his M. Night Shyamalan flick scores big next summer, you’re looking at the 2008 winner.

Tom Cruise – Not with that new pageboy haircut he’s rocking. Also, still batshit crazy, which is a rather unavoidable sexiness detraction.

Jonah Hill – Deserved serious consideration if only for coining the mighty phrase “fellashe”, which I totally ninja yoinked from Superbad.

Antonio Banderas - No, no, too sexy, TOO SEXY!

Daniel Radcliffe – A shoo-in for the 2010 crown after he throws down with Voldemort and swerves on surprise hottie “Your Wands To Measly For” Ginny Weasley, in the Deathly Hallows movie,.

Seth Rogen – He tagged Katherine Hiegl in Knocked Up and become an international star; at this point, anything is possible. He could win Mr. Olympia and I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d just be like: “Good Front Lat Spread, sloppy guy who inexplicably nailed Izzie Stevens and learned a valuable, but only slightly funny, lesson in responsibility.”.

Ben Stiller – Simian-looking comedians with an ever-decreasing oeuvre of quality movies need not apply.

Justin Timberlake – Judgment of sexiness still in question from his decision to journey through Cameron Diaz’s Hugemongus Mouth for an extended period of time. Recent excursions through Scarlet Johansson Ave. and Jessica Biel Blvd. are a step in the right direction, though. A quick jaunt through Jessica Alba Lane and he’ll be on the fast track for the 2009 crown.

Jason Statham – Kickass bald action stars get no respect.

Bruce Willis – See above.

Patrick Dempsey – Taken off the list when voters remembered how bloody intolerable and douchebaggy Dr. McDreamy was last season on Grey’s. He should have let Meredith drown.

Jake Gyllenhaal – This isn’t a contest for The Advocate, let’s get real.

Hilary Swank – Not technically a man. Though I’ve never actually seen evidence proving that fact.

Tim Riggins – Too drunk to remember to submit his application. Also, too busy playing Y Tu Mama Tambien with Jason Street and Lyla Garrity.

Samuel L. Jackson – I blame those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane, cause no one has ever looked sexier chaining a sex-crazed Christina Ricci to a radiator, whilst rocking a bald head and grey mutton chops. Okay, maybe Esquire’s Sexiest Woman on the Planet (seriously?), Charlize Theron, for the five minutes in Monster before you realized you just could NOT get past the fact that she was playing a psychotic she-bitch with bad teeth and a Britney pooch.

Criss Angel – Douchebag manscara wearers need not apply. Also, too much skeevy association with wrecked blonde girls (see: Spears, Britney and Diaz, Cameron).

Peter Petrelli – Would have been an awesome choice, despite being fictional and currently stuck in an unwatchable season of Heroes.

Gerald Butler – Had the inside running until grumblings about his 300 abs being digitally enhanced bogged down his candidacy. When informed of the decision, Butler kicked the Editor-in-Chief of People down a large well and yelled “THEY’RE! REAL! AND! THEY’RE! SPECTAAAAAAACULAR!”

Kiefer Sutherland – Might have had a chance if his show hadn’t sucked this year, and he didn’t spend all his off-time getting ripped and jumping into Christmas trees.

Clive Owen – No idea why he didn’t win. I mean, did you see Children of Men? He survived multiple gun battles, delivered a baby, protected a mother and child in a war zone, took a bullet to the stomach and STILL rescued humanity. How is Jason Bourne cooler than that? Not to mention him tagging Monica Bellucci and pwning it up in those insane gun fights in Shoot ‘Em Up. And no one on the planet drops a “fucking cunt” bomb better than him. Which goes a long way in my book. This should have been the guy.

Orlando Bloom – Technically not considered a real “man”. But he has the Kids People “Sexiest Bland Pussy Boy Alive” Award in the bag!

Bangarang!

I love me a good motto. I love mottos even better when I can steal them from pop culture. Whether it’s Nicolas Cage’s “B.A.D. - Balls Attitude Direction” from Kiss of Death, “A.A. – Attitude Adjustment” from Rad, or my personal favorite “F.U.B.A.R.” from Tango and Cash, I like to yoink them all for my own personal abbreviated vocabulary. And I’m always on the lookout for a new one; which is why I was only too happy to see Britney Spears recently get in on the motto act.

In one her recent trips to court (for her kids, or her hit n’ runs, or her drug problems, or her communism or whatever), she inexplicably walked up to a reporter and yelled out “Ride, Lick it, Snort it, Fuck it!” and walked away. Now we could go on ad nauseum aover what possessed her to take focus away from her losing custody battle, her possibly getting her license suspended, her maybe getting jail time (which she probably should do at some point), to serve up some juicy grist for her trashy celebritard mill. But we’re not going to. Least of all because I promised not too, but mainly because, who cares? She’s retarded. And not in the mentally handicapped way, I mean she’s an idiot. You can’t put logic or reason behind the actions of an idiot. She dated Criss Angel, for chrissakes, how can we take anything she does seriously? We can’t. But what can do is laud her for awesome motto construction.

Those four words perfectly encapsulate her every waking moment, thereby making the motto a spot on phrase for the way she should live her life. For just one moment, she might have been the most clear, prescient celebrity in a three block radius (assuming Hasselhoff wasn’t around the corner getting drunk and spilling his Whopper Jr. everywhere.). If more celebrities took the time to create a motto about their particular brand of celebridom, it would go a long way to making us like them more. Not that that’s actually going to happen.

Since Britney (bitch!) is the only celebrity with the crazy stones to break themselves down motto-listically, I’ve taken the time to come up with some choice abbreviations for some of the biggest names in Hollywood. With any luck, they’ll be coked out of their minds at the county courthouse one day soon, yelling out the motto I created for them, and then retreating back inside to have their life ripped apart while they worry about when they’ll next get the chance to hit up Taco Bell. An internet humorist can dream…

Other Celebrity Motto’s (in Britney-specific format)

Lindsay Lohan: Drink it, Drug it, Rehab it, Repeat it!

Mel Gibson: Slur it, Jew it, Blame it, Sugartit it!

Tom Cruise: Ensnare it, Contract it, Publicize it, Fake it!

Angelina Jolie: Act it, Homewreck it, Adopt it, Pouty-Lip it!

Bruce Willis: Yippe it, Kay it, Yay it, Motherfucker it!

Keanu Reeves: Whoa it, whoa it, WHOA it, Whoa it?

Orlando Bloom: Act it, Bland it, Bore it, Snore it!

Jennifer Aniston: Oprah it, Vanity Fair it, People it, Milk it!

Ben Affleck: Date it, Act it, Fail it, Direct it!

Kiefer Sutherland: Scream it, Torture it, DUI it, Christmas Tree-Jump it!

David Hasselhoff: Hassel it, Hoff it, Drunk it, Record it!

Nicole Kidman: Curly it, Straighten it, Botox it, Shrill it!

Will Ferrell: Naked it, Baby Jesus it, Cowbell it, Burgundy Done it!

Michael Douglas: Lift it, Tuck it, Botox it, Zeta-Jones it!

Neil Patrick Harris: NPH it, Legen it, Wait it, DAIRY it!

Matthew McConaughey: Crunch it, Tan it, Lance it, Gylleenhall it!

Kiera Knightley: Lemonface it, Lionface it, Bitter Beer Face it, Bitch Face it!

Morgan Freeman: Narrate it, Gravitas it, Charisma it, God it!

Jennifer Lopez: Act it, Sing it, Spanish it, No One Likes it!

Scarlet Johansson: Lip It, Cleavage It, Blonde It, Is That It?

Bangarang!

The Scene: Kiefer Sutherland is drunk. And driving. Again. As it were. A cop pulls him over and attempts to put him under arrest for a DUI.

The Players: Kiefer, Kiefer’s Alcohol-induced delusions, The Cop, An On-Star Customer Service Representative, the Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career

INT. KIEFER’S CAR – BEVERLY HILLS – NIGHT

KIEFER V.O.: The following takes place between 1:30am and 2am.

KIEFER: I am mega-TV Star Kiefer Sutherland and this is the most drunken night of my life. …this week, anyway.

1:33AM…

KIEFER swerves through traffic, runs a red light, gets up on the sidewalk, etc.

KIEFER: I am drunktastic, and I need to get home NOW! Don’t these people know I have Christmas trees to jump into? GET OUT OF THE WAY! STAND DOWN! Oh crap, was that my turn? Time to flip a bitch! Good thing I’m such a kick ass federal agent slash actor that I can basically do anything with this machine. One more tequila bomb and I’d be up on two wheels, Speed-style. Damn it, Keanu STOLE that role from me! Well pop quiz hot shot, I’m a mega-TV star and you’re nothing but an A-List movie actor. Pwnage courtesy of The Kief!

Police lights flash in his rear-view mirror. He is being pulled over.

KIEFER: Damn it! What have you done, Kiefer? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

He pulls over and turns the car off. THE COP taps on his window.

KIEFER: Officer, we have NO time for this!

THE COP: (sighs) License and registration, Mr. Sutherland.

KIEFER: If you know who I am, then you know what I’m capable of.

THE COP: Yes sir, that’s why I pulled you over.

KIEFER: WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE???

THE COP: Just what I’ve asked for, sir.

KIEFER: You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me.

THE COP: License and registration sir, or I’m cuffing you and taking you in and I don’t care if TMZ reports it.

KIEFER: I know you think what you’re doing is right. But it is my job not to let that happen.

THE COP: Look, nobody wants you arrested. We love 24. I just need to write this up so we can say we checked on you. Then you can go.

KIEFER: I don’t have the intel you’re looking for. I need to call in.

1:38AM…

1:38:01AM…

He presses the On-Star button in his car.

KIEFER: Good evening, Mr. Sutherland. Are you drunk and passed out in your car again? I can have an ambulance to your location in ten minutes.

KIEFER: Damn it Chloe, I have NO time for games! I need some intel NOW! Data mine the files and send them to my mobile. DO IT!

ON-STAR CSR: Like I’ve told you before sir, my name is Christine, not Chloe.

KIEFER: I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

THE COP: Settle down sir, and have the On-Star rep send me your information.

KIEFER: (whispering) If you don’t get me that intel right away I’m a dead man.

ON-STAR CSR: (sighs) Just a moment, sir. Fucking actors…

THE COP: By the way, I really liked those Young Guns movies. You and Emilio shooting people, riding horses. Was cool.

KIEFER: Do not talk about the dead with me.

The Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career floats into the scene.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: I’m not dead, Kiefer. I directed a big movie last year. Bobby? You didn’t see it? It got great reviews! Well, not great reviews. No one really liked it, but still, it’s a step up from Mighty Ducks 4.

KIEFER: Last year I was in a Korean jail cell being tortured for this country. I was doing my duty. Also, I was drunk.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Bombed again, huh? This is just like the filming of Young Guns 2.

KIEFER: Emilio Estevez Sheen, you are not a movie director.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Why don’t you Netflix me and find out.

KIEFER: Trust me, you don’t want to go down that road with me.

GHOST OF EMILIO ESTEVEZ’S CAREER: Screw this! Imma go haunt Charlie. That bastard hasn’t even given me so much as a cameo on his stupid hit show! Fucking actors…

The Ghost of Emilio Estevez’s Career floats away.

ON-STAR CSR: Mr. Sutherland, we have your insurance information ready.

KIEFER: TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW!

ON-STAR CSR: Tell the officer that I have forwarded your information to his precinct, which will transfer the data to his squad car computer. Have a nice evening, Mr. Sutherland, and get home safe. We need you OK to go out there and protect the country from terrorists.

KIEFER: Copy that, Chloe. I’ll report back to CTU when I’m clear. Kiefer, OUT!

THE COP: I’m going to go write this ticket up and I’ll be back. Don’t move, sir.

KIEFER: If you secure the perimeter, I’ll stand down.

THE COP shakes his head and walks back to his vehicle.

1:42AM…

1:53AM…

THE COP: Sir, unfortunately I’m gonna have to take you in. The Paris incident changed our protocol with celebrities and now we are required to arrest all famous people potentially under the influence. Fortunately for you, Britney’s over at Area tonight, so there are no paparazzi within ten miles of here. We can process and release you without much attention.

KIEFER: I will not get into that car. I MUST GET HOME RIGHT NOW! There’s not much time left. I’m gonna need a hacksaw. …again.

THE COP: A hacksaw, sir?

KIEFER: I can’t find my house keys.

THE COP: Step outside of your vehicle, Mr. Sutherland.

KIEFER: DAMN IT! I only take my orders from the President of the United States. …or in his absence, a character actor to be hired later.

THE COP: I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. Step outside or this is going to get bad.

KIEFER: LISTEN TO ME! I’m drunk, but I can get home. I’m trained for this. Damn it! YOU’VE JUST GOT TO TRUST ME!!

THE COP: You’re obviously too impaired to be behind the wheel of a vehicle. You are a danger to yourself and those around you. For all intents and purposes, you should be sitting in a drunk tank right now, while your expensive car gets impounded. But damn it all if you’re consistent yelling of vague, inoffensive threats hasn’t convinced me of your aptitude. I’m sorry I stood in your way.

KIEFER: I just need to do my job.

THE COP: Godspeed, sir.

KIEFER: With any hope, the country will be safe by morning.

THE COP goes back to his car and Kiefer drives away.

KIEFER: DAMN IT! Close one. Now to complete my mission and report back to command. Let’s just hope I still have a chance…

1:55AM…

KIEFER: Mission accomplished!

2:00AM…

Bangarang!