Watch the video before you read on!

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My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.

On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.

And who I am to say she’s wrong?

In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…

Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.

Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)

Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.

President Clinton: Six words - “The royal penis is clean, sire.”

Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.

Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:

• Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.

Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…

Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!

Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.

Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.

Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.

Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!

Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.

Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard

Bangarang!

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer there would be no WGA Strike. Writers would be paid in gold and the studios would send them thank you e-cards twice a week.

Kate Hudson would only be allowed to appear in movies if she’s flaked in gold and McConaughey would only be allowed if he’s wearing tye-dye, rocking 2% body fat, and getting tagged in the head with a stick. Jaunty, 80’s-era Sting tunes would pepper every movie trailer, even the horror ones. Donald Sutherland would always get pegged with hilarious flying meatballs, and swords would always be soaring through the air, Die Hard 2-style.

All the Super Bowl ads would be as funny as the one where the Coke vendor grabs a Pepsi from the rack and spills Pepsi cans everywhere while “Your Cheating Heart” plays over the action. Ben Affleck would have top-lined five successful movies this year, and Keanu Reeves would have shocked the world with his insanely brilliant performance as Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, the Bluth Family would still be in business, Kristen Bell would have to run like crazy to shoot Heroes, Gossip Girl and Veronica Mars Season Four at the same time, and Rachel Bilson would still be looking cute on The O.C. (but Adam Brody would be totes passed over by now).

Jack Donaghy would be Britney’s personal therapist, Jodie Foster would do comedies again, Ashley Judd wouldn’t be depressed anymore, and Kate Winslet would have won an Oscar by now.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Juno would have had a better narrative arc, Transformers would have been 8% less silly, Knocked Up would have been 37% less Heigl-y and Pirates of the Carribean would have GOTTEN ON WITH IT ALREADY! Spider-Man 3 would have been more kick ass and less musical theatre, I Am Legend wouldn’t have resembled a cut-rate Resident Evil videogame, and Ghost Rider would have been intentionally funny, instead of unintentionally.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Heath Ledger would still be alive.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, there would be fewer “celebrities”.

Gigli would have been a hit, Night At The Museum would have been a miss, and Mission: Impossible III would have been better-received. Will Ferrell would stop making sports movies, Jennifer Lopez would stop making music, and Sean Connery would come out of retirement to hock Penis Mightier’s.

Christopher Walken would do more movies with Dennis Hopper, John Travolta would dance in everything, and Angelina Jolie would be palatable when she’s not holding a gun. Rachel McAdams would get back to work, Matt Saracen and Julie Taylor would get back together, and Christian Slater would get to make good movies again.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Tom Cruise would not have jumped over the couch. The couch would have jumped over him.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Steve Martin would write a new caustic novella every year, John Hughes would write a teen comedy for today’s annoying, unfortunate generation, and Dane Cook would finally write a funny joke.

Mel Gibson would like Jews, Bill Murray would like chemical peels, Samuel L. Jackson would like muthafuckin snakes, and Renee Zellweger would like smiling. I’d find Patrick Dempsey’s hair less smug, Tom Hanks’s Hair less fake and Nic Cage’s hair less funny.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, Paris Hilton would be just another girl, Lindsay Lohan would never have touched drugs, and Britney Spears would be beloved, childless, medicated and headlining her latest sold out world tour (for which I would have front row tix to the LA show). Pamela Anderson would never have gotten Hep-C and never lost her luster. Claire Forlani wouldn’t have been blamed for Meet Joe Black. Heather Graham would still be a big screen hottie. And Alicia Silverstone would have figured it all out.

Eddie Murphy would still be dropping F-bombs, Fiona Apple would have never dropped an S-bomb on MTV, and Katie Holmes would have been dropped from her contract. Sarah Silverman would ACTUALLY be fucking Matt Damon.

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, there would be no Botox and we’d get to see stars age gracefully on screen. HD would be more forgiving, TiVo would have a quadruple bloop, and home entertainment would pick one format and stick with it, for godsakes!

If everything in Hollywood were as awesome as the Fool’s Gold trailer, everything everything EVERYTHING would be Bangarang!

P.S. So yeah, in case you hadn’t noticed, big fan of the trailer!

So we can dispense with that notion right now.

Today, the LA Times posted an obnoxious, poorly-thought out piece on Box Office Sorority Sisters, claiming that with the moderate opening weekend success of 27 Dresses, Katherine Heigl had officially joined the elusive ranks of women who can open a movie on their own. This, as I stated before, is complete shenanigans.

There are sooo many reasons why 27 Dresses opened to nearly $30 Million over the 4-day MLK weekend. Just off the top of my head…

• The ad campaign that focused on the movie being from the writer of The Devil Wears Prada.

• The involvement of the far more awesome James Marsden.

• A relatable premise (no girl likes to be a bridesmaid).

• The fact that there hasn’t been a straight-up romcom in theaters in nearly a year.

• The face that there is NOTHING else for women to see in theaters right now.

• Men owed their girlfriends and wives a chick flick after subjecting them to four months of football watching.

• Like me, people were going to the movie solely for the purpose of making fun of Katherine Heigl.

And I’d like to point out that 27 Dresses has a 37% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Not exactly the stuff of romcom glory (Juno, in comparison, is at 93% freshness).

So why do we all of a sudden think she’s a movie star? She wasn’t more than a piece of lawn furniture in Knocked Up. I’ve gone on record as saying she was the problem of the movie. Her “prettiness”, or what have you, completely derailed the plot; there was just no way that a girl like her would actively choose to stay with a guy like Seth Rogen. Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten a shmashmortion, but she wouldn’t have dated the guy. Also, the movie was overrated, and I could have done without the three close-ups of the crowning stunt vag.

Adding to this the fact that Heigl is currently KILLING Grey’s Anatomy. Her George-Izzie storyline single-handedly destroyed the watchability of last season and, barring the writer’s strike, would have probably side-tracked the current one. She’s the most grating, self-involved, smug, witless character on the show, and I LOATHE the Pompeo. Patrick Dempsey’s hair is even all “Cool it with the smugness, lady. You’re not that cute! Now where did my Personal Coif Attendant go?”

So where are her star credentials?

Are we going all the way back to her classic work in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, where she disappointed every male viewer by not following in the hallowed footsteps of Erika Eleniak’s gorgeous “popping out of a cake” tittyballs? Or the time when her brief thong flash in My Father, The Hero caused a 13 year-old The Jay to grudgingly sit through a Gerard Depardieu movie because there was no such thing as You Tube back in the day?

The fact is she’s only been likeable or even interesting twice in her entire career. First when she posed topless for a Maxim spread, back when that magazine meant something; and second, her strip foosball scene in 100 Girls, which led her character to mack down with pre-approved hottie Larisa Oleynick. That’s it. Those are the two moments. Everything else she has ever done is forgettable and worthless.

Moreover, opening a romantic comedy in January hardly warrants comparisons to Julia, Reese and Sandra. There have been plenty of It Girls who opened a romcom and were never a contender again. For example:

• Julia Stiles opened Save the Last Dance in January of 2001 to the same amount of money as 27 Dresses (more if you amend for inflation), and she can barely open regional theatre these days. She was the second lead of one of the biggest movies of 2007, does anyone even care if she’s breathing right now?

• Kate Hudson opened How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days to a cool $100 mil, but her combined B.O. grosses for The Skeleton Key, Raising Helen and Alex & Emma (in total: $26 dollars) seem to point to McConaughey being the key to the success. That’s why Fool’s Gold is gonna make a mint. People want to see his abs, not hers. God bless evolution.

• Lindsay Lohan opened Mean Girls and look what happened to her movie career. The drugs and the whoring and the Hilton did her in, but the godawful movies were the coffin she laid to rest in (unless someone out there thinks I Know Who Killed Me was a positive step in her career).

The fact of the matter is that there are very few women who can truly open a movie. This is the list:

• Julia Roberts

• Jodie Foster

That’s it. Everyone else has qualifiers to their successful openers (most of the time it’s due to their male co-stars). Let’s go down the list of the women the LA Times believes are in the “Omega Mega Bucks” sorority (cause THAT’s not setting women back a decade).

Julia Roberts: Pretty much retired. And she has nothing to prove anymore. When she puts out a movie, it’s an event, period.

Reese Witherspoon: Can’t open a movie. Legally Blonde was years ago, the sequel was diminished returns, Just Like Heaven tanked, Walk the Line was Oscar bait, Rendition bombed even with her on-set romance pub, and her current movie, Penelope, has been on the shelf for two years cause nobody thinks it’ll do any business. She’s a big star, but call me when her name and face open a sub-par dramedy above $13 mil.

Cameron Diaz: Aside from being successful at always looking like she just woke up from a three day coke bender, her movies haven’t done jack since before Tom Cruise went batshit crazy (can you even remember that far back?). Also, you’re not an opener when you’re doing romcoms with Ashton Kutcher called “What Happens In Vegas”. That’s just me being real with you.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Can’t open an equestrian show. Failure To Launch was the same as How To Lose A Guy…, the presence of Matthew McConaughey and a V-Day Release Date. Sex and the City will open big, but that’s a brand. Would you really see her in a movie if her co-star wasn’t Wooderson or the Sex girls? Me neither.

Drew Barrymore: If you’re goal is $50 million domestic, then Josie Grosie is your girl. But you gotta pair her with a cute boy to get it. Ever After was a loooong time ago.

Rachel McAdams: Can definitely open a movie… if she ever decides to make another one. Also, if she had starred in 27 Dresses, it would have beaten Cloverfield, and I would have already seen it twice. Warrants mentioning…

Jennifer Aniston: Please! Along Came Polly was Ben Stiller’s flick. The Break Up was sold on Vince Vaughn. Bruce Almighty was Jim Carrey’s show. HER movies, Derailed & Friends With Money, tanked. I watched her for free for ten years, why would I ever pay to see her doing anything onscreen (showing her boobies boobies boobies, notwithstanding)?

Angelina Jolie: Not without Brad Pitt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Not without George Clooney.

Halle Berry: Not without showing her tits.

Renee Zellweger: Not without Bitchface removal surgery. Or a British accent.

Kirsten Dunst: Not without Spider-Man. (Or her being executed on-screen.)

Orlando Bloom: Not technically a chick, but does have a lovely vag, I’m told. No matter, can’t open anything without Johnny Depp, anyway.

It takes years and multiple hits for a woman to attain true movie-opening power. Jodie opened Flightplan, a movie so bad that Jodie Foster would rather admit she scissors her life partner than talk about that flick. Could Heigl open a Flightplan? I think not.

Consider Katherine Heigl’s personality and persona for a minute. Would you really go see her next movie if it wasn’t released in January, where your options are her or a vomit-inducing monster flick that’s sold out? No, you wouldn’t. She’s not opening a dark drama without a bigger male star, or an in-jeopardy thriller (not if Ashley Judd has anything to say about it), the two other genres women tend to do well in. I wouldn’t buy her in a Sci-Fi blockbuster. And there’s eight-trillion other hotties I’d rather see in a Bruckheimer style action flick (Megan Fox, for starters). So what does that leave her? Romcoms? How many more of these are you gonna buy her in? One, two tops? She should ask Mandy Moore or J.Lo what that career path looks like.

The bottom line is that she got lucky with this one. It won’t happen again. So we, and especially the LA Times, needs to cool it with the STAR IS BORN talk. I can’t be convinced to think of Scarlet Johansson as a true movie star and her T&A is faaaar better than Heigl’s. Also, ScarJo never emasculated George O’Malley, ruined his marriage to Callie, and forced me to pray for more Pompeo screentime. Sigh…

Fucking Izzie Stevens!

Bangarang!

Normally when news of a celebrity’s shenanigans or misadventures comes through my snarky press wire I take great pleasure in mocking them for their actions. I put funny words into their mouths, and make them look stupid or sound immature and/or destructive. It’s all in fun and a good time is had by all. When I do a “Things Overheard…” post my readers know that I’m making it all up and that in reality the star in question doesn’t actually sound that fantastical.

And then there are times when the truth truly is stranger (and more awesome) than fiction. When even the heights of my deliriously ninja imagination cannot add, or do justice, to the actual words coming out of their mouths.

This is one of those times.

Matthew McConaughey, t-shirt hater, notorious nude bongo player, anti-deodorant activist, and guy whose character work peaked in his first major role ten years ago and is COMPLETELY OK with that fact (to the point where the sub-title of his website is “j.k. living”. Seriously. It says that on the index page. I told you I couldn’t compete with this.) and his current girlfriend Camila Alves (and by “girlfriend” I mean the girl he took home from the bar on Friday, got high with, did some pushups in front of, refused to shower for cause the smell of a Van Nuys cum dumpster is his resting musk anyway, and then banged a couple times) announced today that they are preggers. I would be quite happy for the couple if I didn’t abhor the idea of another hippie star child polluting this earth (Odds on the kid being named Miller Chill Tecate McConaughey? 3-2). And while we’re on the subject, hey Ryder Russell Robinson, get a haircut hippie!

When a star usually announces they are welcoming a child they do it through the medium of an excitable publicist. But McConaughy (nee “Wooderson”), is not your usual star. And so he released a statement, excuse me, a “journal entry” on his personal website (I implore you to visit this site. It’s easily eight times more awesome than the Tom Cruise Scientology video. It’s like a late 90’s Britney music video level of amazing.), of which I am going to repost here in full.

I want to reiterate that I have not doctored this text in any way. He actually wrote this. With his fingers on the keys, the sun on his back and the words in his brain. Enjoy.

“Got some blessed news… a celebration of life and bounty… a newborn concieved… yes, my girlfriend camila and I made a baby together… it’s 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far… we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being a mother and father, and shepharding him or her through his life… from moms and dads, to family, to community, it takes the best will and support from everyone to raise the healthiest children we have in society… wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution… thanks for bein fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and camila and our child do our best to just keep livin… wow, mcconaughey.”

It goes with out saying, but “sic”.

Ok, so let’s break down this magnificent piece of writing a bit…

“a celebration of life and bounty” - That’s code for “please see my new treasure hunting movie Fool’s Gold co-starring Kate Hudson and opening on Valetine’s Day. I did about a thousand sit-ups to prepare for it, my “character” has chosen a delightful shade of gold for his skin, and I ripped and cleared a six-foot water bong before each third take (’s my ritual). The flick’s just like Sahara, except you can actually understand the dialogue of my annoying love interest.

“a newborn concieved” - As opposed to what? A newborn cornswaffled?

“yes, my girlfriend camila and I made a baby together” - OH! He meant he made a baby! I was so confused. I could of sworn he was talking about weed. That’s my bad.

“it’s 3 months growin in her womb” - Wait, so Matthew, you’re telling me that the whole business with the stork is a lie? Like your not having hair plugs? Or how you didn’t plug Gyllenhaal all last summer? Huh. Who new I’d be learning about the anatomy of a pregnancy from the star of U-571 when I woke up this morning? Not me, that’s for sure.

“we are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation” - I can only hope my parents were this excited my the news of my creation. I bet my dad was “crazy jacked” and my mom was “totes torked”. Btw, if one of my rents ever said the word “stoked” to me, I think I would divorce them on the grounds of “Seriously? Don’t ever do that again!”

“and God bless evolution” - I can only assume he doesn’t mean the mediocre David Duchovny alien comedy from a few years back. Not that I have a problem watching The Duchov sleepwalking his way through a studio production while Seann William Scott acts douchey and Julianne Moore cashes her paycheck to pay for her hubbie’s “indie” “movies”, but I’m slow to believe that the movie ranks higher on McCons Netflix list than Half Baked, Zoolander or Summer Catch.

“as me and camila and our child do our best to just keep livin” - I really hope Richard Linklater is getting a royalty check every time McCons opens his mouth. I can’t believe he didn’t end the thing “just keep parentin. P-A-R-E-N-T-I-N.” It’s just such a wasted opportunity. Like Two For the Money. Or Reign of Fire.

“wow, mcconaughey” - wow indeed, mcconaughey. Wow, indeed.

Congratulations to the happy couple. No word yet from Lance Armstrong, but I think we can assume he’s pretty devastated. Being a new parent pretty much rules out any surreptitous anal sex in the bushes of Runyon Canyon with your celebrity athlete best friend.

Bangarang!