According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

- Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

- Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

- Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

- Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

- SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

- Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

- Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

- Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

- Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

- Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

- Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

- Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

- And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay's Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.

Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.

So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:

Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ‘splosions!!!!

Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.

Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!

Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!

Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.

Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.

Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!

Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!

Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed

Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1

Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.

Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…

Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.

Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.

Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!

Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..

Bangarang!

In one her recent trips to court (for her kids, or her hit n’ runs, or her drug problems, or her communism or whatever), she inexplicably walked up to a reporter and yelled out “Ride, Lick it, Snort it, Fuck it!” and walked away. Now we could go on ad nauseum aover what possessed her to take focus away from her losing custody battle, her possibly getting her license suspended, her maybe getting jail time (which she probably should do at some point), to serve up some juicy grist for her trashy celebritard mill. But we’re not going to. Least of all because I promised not too, but mainly because, who cares? She’s retarded. And not in the mentally handicapped way, I mean she’s an idiot. You can’t put logic or reason behind the actions of an idiot. She dated Criss Angel, for chrissakes, how can we take anything she does seriously? We can’t. But what can do is laud her for awesome motto construction.

Those four words perfectly encapsulate her every waking moment, thereby making the motto a spot on phrase for the way she should live her life. For just one moment, she might have been the most clear, prescient celebrity in a three block radius (assuming Hasselhoff wasn’t around the corner getting drunk and spilling his Whopper Jr. everywhere.). If more celebrities took the time to create a motto about their particular brand of celebridom, it would go a long way to making us like them more. Not that that’s actually going to happen.

Since Britney (bitch!) is the only celebrity with the crazy stones to break themselves down motto-listically, I’ve taken the time to come up with some choice abbreviations for some of the biggest names in Hollywood. With any luck, they’ll be coked out of their minds at the county courthouse one day soon, yelling out the motto I created for them, and then retreating back inside to have their life ripped apart while they worry about when they’ll next get the chance to hit up Taco Bell. An internet humorist can dream…

Other Celebrity Motto’s (in Britney-specific format)

Lindsay Lohan: Drink it, Drug it, Rehab it, Repeat it!

Mel Gibson: Slur it, Jew it, Blame it, Sugartit it!

Tom Cruise: Ensnare it, Contract it, Publicize it, Fake it!

Angelina Jolie: Act it, Homewreck it, Adopt it, Pouty-Lip it!

Bruce Willis: Yippe it, Kay it, Yay it, Motherfucker it!

Keanu Reeves: Whoa it, whoa it, WHOA it, Whoa it?

Orlando Bloom: Act it, Bland it, Bore it, Snore it!

Jennifer Aniston: Oprah it, Vanity Fair it, People it, Milk it!

Ben Affleck: Date it, Act it, Fail it, Direct it!

Kiefer Sutherland: Scream it, Torture it, DUI it, Christmas Tree-Jump it!

David Hasselhoff: Hassel it, Hoff it, Drunk it, Record it!

Nicole Kidman: Curly it, Straighten it, Botox it, Shrill it!

Will Ferrell: Naked it, Baby Jesus it, Cowbell it, Burgundy Done it!

Michael Douglas: Lift it, Tuck it, Botox it, Zeta-Jones it!

Neil Patrick Harris: NPH it, Legen it, Wait it, DAIRY it!

Matthew McConaughey: Crunch it, Tan it, Lance it, Gylleenhall it!

Kiera Knightley: Lemonface it, Lionface it, Bitter Beer Face it, Bitch Face it!

Morgan Freeman: Narrate it, Gravitas it, Charisma it, God it!

Jennifer Lopez: Act it, Sing it, Spanish it, No One Likes it!

Scarlet Johansson: Lip It, Cleavage It, Blonde It, Is That It?

Bangarang!

To Jews It May Concern:

This is Mel Gibson wishing all my Hebrew brethren, the sugar-titted JAP’s and the fucking man Jews, an easy fast and an enriching day of reflection and atonement for all their sins (the war-starting, the money-grubbing, the big noses, et al) on this most festive holy day, Yom Kippur. And to that end, I, the ever-benevolent Mel Gibson, forgives you Jews. At least the ones that bankroll my movies, anyway. Oh, and all my greedy Jew lawyers that keep me out of the clink and/or rehab, of which I have many. Also, Sydney Pollack.

You’re welcome.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m wanted in Kazakhstahn. I’m going to be the Grand Marhsall in the prestigious, annual Running of the Jews Parade. It’s quite an honor.

Hugs and kisses, my hungry shape-shifting Jews!

Signed,

Mel Gibson, Mayor of Malibu

All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of the stars. Let’s see out what they had to say.

Sacha Baron Cohen: I swear to G-d I will knife the first sodded person who asks for a high five. Speaking of, where’s that Ryan Seacrest chap.

Patrick Dempsey: How’s my hair?

Jennifer Hudson: And I am telling you… suck my left tit, Bitch-once! American Idol, represent!

Evangeline Lilly: I am so glad I left the hobbit back on the island. Now where’s that McDreamy guy?

Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.

Isaiah Washington: My agent says I need a nicer name for “faggot”, cause all that faggot talk is bad for my nice guy image. So what’s better? Cocksucker? Nah. Dick Licker? Too literal. Pussy Hater? Too negative. Purple-headed Nob Slobber? Yeah, that’s the one. I did not call that faggot T.R. a Purple-Headed Nob Slobber. But I did call Dempsey a pansy. Next question!

George Clooney: Alright Timberlake, here’s the game. First to five starlets wins. And I’ll even give you a two limoncello head start. Ready? Go!

Justin Timberlake: Guess who’s having sex with anyone he wants tonight? This guy!

Cameron Diaz: Cry me a river… cry me a river. Cry me a river, yeah.

Zach Braff: Dammit, I forgot to put on my anti-douche cream. Now I’ll never be able to make out with Jessica Alba and then whine about it on my blog tomorrow. My life sucks. (Cue pompous indie rock song)

Jack Nicholson: What year is it? Seriously, I have no idea. These things all look the same. Maybe I should take my sunglasses off. On second thought, screw that, I’m Jack. I can do whatever I want. And you know what? I’m nailing that Swank person tonight. Is she a boy? Is she a girl? What I’m saying is this: when you’re facing some free ass, what’s the difference?

Geena Davis: Has anyone seen my career? I think I dropped it. It’s about six feet tall, a hundred and forty pounds, used to be the President? Anybody? Please.

Dame Helen Mirren: Oh Streep, I finally have the better of you. Long live the Queen, bitch!

Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the awards shows in the world. Which is probably why I didn’t get nominated. Oh hey Salma! Say, your sugartits are looking real nice tonight!

Salma Hayek: If you like my Sugar Tits, you should see my Ugly Betty.

Ben Affleck: The name’s Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. I believe you’ll find I’m on the list. (grins stupidly)

Masi Oka: Golden Globes! Yatta!

The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!

Reese Witherspoon: I hope Ryan’s watching. I didn’t work out eight times a week, cut sugar, salt, bread and water from my diet and spray on my human face just to get hit on by Warren Beatty when Annette’s in the bathroom.

Sienna Miller: I am such a train wreck.

Ali Larter: Don’t look at me. My shit’s bangin’ and my show rules! Love and kisses to Jude. Oh wait, forget that…

Patrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?

Tom Hanks: It looks great. Trust me, I would know.

Patrick Dempsey: I need a mirror! Stat!

Eddie Murphy: Finally, I’m more popular than Charlie. I’m Eddie Murphy, bitch. The Darkness has arrived!

Angelina Jolie: You get one hour Brad, then it’s back to Cambodia. I mean it. The orphaned babies need me.

Brad Pitt: Fine! Can I go play with George now? Pleeeeease?

Angelina Jolie: I miss Billy Bob.

Hugh Grant: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Julianne Moore and Julia Roberts and now I’m trying convincing the world I want to shag Drew Barrymore. Where did it all go wrong?

Drew Barrymore: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Chris O’Donnell and Adam Sandler and now I get to bone Hugh Grant! I must have don’t something right.

Jennifer Lopez: I am still relevant! I’m the face of Latin Entertainment.

America Ferrarra: Sure you are sweetie. Sure you are.

Meryl Streep: Put my Globe in the car, fetch me a martini and get Gyllenhaal boy’s phone number. That’s all.

Hillary Swank: Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And I’m still single. Line it up, boys! Oh, hi Jack! Nice to see you, too…

Bangarang!