Owing to the recent “controversy” of tween queen / IMAX box office champion / 1992 Champion Embarrassed Child / monolith Miley Cyrus showing her back for a photo spread in the high-class glossy Vanity Fair (whose readership, I’m sure, includes at least tens of children), Cyrus’ true legal guardian, The Walt Disney Company, has enacted a new slate of rules that will serve to stave off any further photo faux pas for their superstar merchandise hocker.

Any deviation from these rules will result in the publication or photographer at fault being shunned from The Happiest Place On Earth and relegated to taking insignificant set photos on the 4th season of Ned’s Declassified (Who? Exactly!).

Let this be a lesson to all world class photographers whose elegant photo ideas are approved by Miley and her people but then subsequently lambasted by bored Conservative groups fully aware that her fanbase would have NEVER seen these pictures had no one said anything about them, but need to raise a stink about SOMEthing, and insulting Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t worth getting out of bed for anymore. Your attempts to elevate Miley Cyrus into a talent worthy of being called an artist WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!

(Why is everyone so up in arms about a picture of her back when the real problem is that her makeup makes her face look like an inedible Denver omelette? Or at the very least, a homeless person’s Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. I thought tween stars were supposed to be vaguely hot, so Dad’s will buy her crap for their kids as a means for justifying looking at her? Isn’t that how that square-shaped minx Hilary Duff did it? And besides, hello, Miley is on record stating how much fun she had shooting the picture, so what’s the big deal? She’s not even showing any sideboob! Controversy? More like NOTroversy.)

THE NEW RULES FOR PHOTOGRAPHING MILEY CYRUS

1. Miley can no longer be photographed by middle aged lesbians, even if they happen to be critically acclaimed or world renowned, or by middle aged men, even if they happen to be The Dude.

2. Miley Cyrus is a true patriot, who would never do anything that would appear untoward to wholesome American values. Therefore, Miley is only to be photographed with AMERICAN stuff in the picture. She no longer recognizes any sovereign nation but her own. … unless that nation buys a lot of her records.

3. The only parts of Miley’s body allowed to be seen by a camera are: her face, her front neck, her hands, her spirit fingers, her shins (but not oiled up), half of her knees, and her belly button (because THAT’s not salacious) (… and it sells records).

4. Miley can no longer be photographed with the following people: Paris Hilton (bad influence), Hayden Panetierre (instigator), The Olsen Twins (aliens), Lindsay Lohan (no pictures with overly tan grandmas, it confuses the audience base), Zac Efron (too much tween-ness in one picture could cause global thermo-nuclear war), and Hilary Duff (could potentially give Miley the escape plans Duff used to get out of the Lizzie Maguire contract)

5. Miley can no longer be photographed scowling. Scowling is considered sexy, and Miley doesn’t do sexy. She hasn’t even been told yet what sex is yet. Maybe when she’s 25.

6. Miley will only do photo spreads for publications that have the following words in their title: Tiger, Pop, Kid, Prom, Beat, 17, Disney, Awesome, and OMFG (Disney is not sure what that means, but ALL the kids are saying it, so it must be OK).

7. Miley can NOT be photographed wearing eyeliner. Eyeliner is for whores and lame emo-rock stars. Disney has not yet decided which one of those they’re going to turn her into.

8. Miley can only be photographed wearing clothes that zip, button or velcro. Anything that has straps is strictly forbidden (unless they are of spaghetti in origin).

9. In every picture taken of Miley, an innocent sparkle MUST be digitally inserted into each of her eyes. Even if on the day of the photo shoot her eyes are deader than David Archuleta discussing his interest in girls with Ryan Seacrest.

10. Let’s just make this easier and say that Miley will no longer be taking any new photographs. If you’d like her to appear in your magazine you can do it one of two ways. First, by paying paparazzi to take a candid shot of her eating a messy cheeseburger, but not if she’s licking special sauce off of her fingers. Or Second, by using this photo:

Feel free to change the background color. But only to pink. Or off pink. Or red, white and blue. Disney is really pretty flexible about this whole thing.

Bangarang!