Morgan Freeman

People don’t like to play trivia games with me.

I don’t know if it’s my lightning quick reflexes (The answer is Joanie Loves Chachi. Oh, it was your turn? Eh, you didn’t have the answer anyway. My roll…). I don’t know if it’s my encyclopedic knowledge of the cast list of every studio film for the last fifteen years (The IMDb ain’t got nothing. ON! ME!). Or if it’s my rain man-like ability to remember exceedingly useless movie trivia; for example, did you know that throughout the 80’s Bill Paxton campaigned to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones? Yeah, I know. Useless.

(Also hilarious, because could you imagine Bill Paxton as Indiana Jones? The wimp from Aliens taking on the Nazi’s and uncovering the holy grail? How delusional must he be to think that Spielberg would actually fire Harrison Ford and give the most important adventure role in movie history to the guy that couldn’t close the deal with Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies? It’s useless to you but stuff like that keeps me awake at nights.)

I own Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It’s to the point where you can’t just give me a random actor to do, I need a condition added to make the challenge worthy of my time. For example, you can’t just say: “Rachel McAdams”, because I’ll blink once and fire back: Rachel was in The Family Stone with Diane Keaton who was in Something’s Gotta Give with Jack who was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon. But saying “Rachel McAdams” but that I have to go through Demi Moore and I can’t use A Few Good Men, now that makes it interesting. (If you really want to know the answer to that one, here it is: Rachel McAdams was in The Family Stone with Luke Wilson who was in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle with Demi Moore was in Disclosure with Donald Sutherland who was in Animal House with Kevin Bacon, baby! I love this game.)

So basically I’m a movie geek with nobody to play movie geek games with. Sure I get into the sporadic “What If?” scenario or the occasional “Who Wins in a Fight?” debate, Rocky or Rambo (The answer is Rambo, Rocky can punch, but Rambo is a freaking Navy Seal. Though to Rocky’s credit, he did single-handedly end the cold war), but I don’t ever get to really strut myself in competition with friends. What’s the point of being the Michael Jordan of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition if nobody steps on the court?

However, there is one game that I do get to play, where my exceedingly Jordanesque movie trivia skills doesn’t preclude other, lesser people from doing well. It’s called “Recasting a Classic”. It’s a subjective game where you get to remake a classic and cast the picture in any way you see fit. And then I tear your choices to shreds.

Here are the official rules of the game:

You are a big time movie director; on top of the world (except not nearly as arrogant or dickish as James Cameron when he won the Oscar for Titanic). Every executive in town is throwing movie offers at you. You are approached about one specific project, and for one reason or another, you can not turn it down. You are asked to remake “The Princess Bride”. You can take the film in any direction you want, with any actors you want, so long as none of them have appeared in the original film. Who’s your cast?

It’s a great game because it relies on your knowledge of film history (who’s been in what?), challenges your awareness of today’s acting landscape and best of all, offers an endless debate over who has the best cast. You can’t change the core concept of the movie, Westley still has to become Dread Pirate Roberts, Buttercup still has to shack up with Humperdink, Inigo still has to kill the six fingered man, and this all still has to take place in a fantasy land where a wiry Jewish actor is believable as an expert Latin swordsmen. But the cast you choose can shape your vision. For example, if you were recasting The Godfather, and you pick Chris Evans to play Michael Corleone, we would get a good understanding of the type of fake movie you’d make (A bad one from where I’m standing.)

I first played the game with Star Wars as the movie in question. You can see my choices HERE, and you can see my boy A-Train’s cast HERE. Yes, I agree, my choices ARE better. The mute guy from A Few Good Men playing Luke Skywalker? How bland can you get? Why not just cast Chris O’Donnell and be done with it? We had a good time with it, arguing the merits of Leonardo DiCaprio taking the reins of Han Solo, approaching fisticuffs over whether or not my choosing a “nobody” to play Luke was a cop out or not (I think not. If Lucas can do it, I can do it. After all, he’s the master at casting the right actor for the right role. Wait… uh yeah, let’s just move on.). Over time we’ve tried out Jaws (Matthew McConaughey as Brody), E.T. (The creepy kid from Birth as Elliot, Wilder Valderrama as the E.T.), and Animal House (Jack Black as John Belushi, natch).

Today’s challenge is The Princess Bride. This is a tough one because the movie is not only beloved, but almost perfectly cast. Every actor was spot on, so it’s hard to imagine anyone else in there place. Each character is so iconic (You don’t do much better than Inigo Montoya and his infamous greeting) that picking the wrong actor might turn off half my readership. So I realized that to do this one right I’d have to go a little wild. I had to stray from picking an obvious choice (Orlando Bloom as Westley) and go in a completely different direction. This way my choices would be valid based on a logical design and it wouldn’t bring to mind comparisons to the original classic. So where to start? Here’s how I decided on my cast…

The movie starts out with a kind, old grandfather coming to read a story to his sick grandson. And that seemed like a perfect place to start the casting. They are the foundation for the entire movie, and the casting will set the tone for my remake. As it turns out, these two characters were easy to recast. There’s only one man perfect enough to narrate the greatest true love story of all time.

The Grandfather – Morgan Freeman

He’s like the perfect grandpa, he’s rich so you know you’re getting an awesome birthday check, he’s cool so you know when your parents drop you off at his house that you’re having a good time. And best of all, when it’s time for bed, he pulls out a book, unleashes those perfect dulcet tones and takes you into a world of pure imagination.

So logically, if Morgan Freeman is the Grandfather, then I can’t just get one of those Culkin kids to play the sick Grandson. I would have to pick an African American.

The Grandson – That Kid From Lost

If Lost isn’t going to use him, then I will. He’s cute enough, has good acting chops (so he could handle Morgan) and when he gets bored he can telepathically summon a polar bear to attack Inigo.

So here’s where things get tricky. I can’t in good conscience write that Morgan Freeman would read his grandson a story about two white people falling in love. I mean it’s possible, as Morgan has been known to narrate stories about white people before (And he apparently likes doing it). But if he’s trying to convince his sick, spoiled, bratty Xbox playing grandson that he should turn off Call of Duty and listen to a love story, then he should at least be able to relate to the story he’s listening to. Therefore, Wesley and Buttercup have to be black. And if they are black that means Humperdink must be black. Which would make other cast members black as well. I’m going to make my movie color blind, which means that no one even brings up the fact that black people wouldn’t be living in the world of The Princess Bride. I refuse to modernize the story and set it in a city or something stupid like that, so you’ll have to suspend your disbelief. In a world of six-fingered men, albino torturers and rodents of unusual size, it’s not inconceivable that there would be black people in all the major roles of the story.

Anyway, here’s the rest of my imaginary cast:

Westley – Michael Ealy

Who, you ask? Exactly. The key to most of the lead roles in The Princess Bride is that you had never seen them before. Sure, they may have had some bit parts here and there, but nothing so major that they bring baggage into the movie. Cary Elwes was brilliant in part because we hadn’t yet seen him as the evil race car driver in Days Of Thunder.

(And let me just say, quite a crappy career there, Cary. You star in one classic, then play the bad guy for The Cruiser, show up in one Mel Brooks spoof, a couple of Ashley Judd women-in-peril movies and then nothing. You call it a day? Next thing we know you’re playing some British guy in Saw, and nobody can believe how bad you are in it. And you’re British! People were laughing at you in the theater. What happened? You’re the freakin’ Dread Pirate Roberts. You should be getting better parts than the “other man” to Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Do a TV show or something. Get yourself one of those CSI shows that are all the rage with onetime successful middle-aged actors. Show some self-respect.)

Michael Ealy is a rising star who you may have seen in those Barbershop movies as the guy who was trying to nail Eve. He’s perfect for the farmboy Wesley because we’ve seen him convincingly play poor before. He did action in that Chris Rock-Anthony Hopkins debacle Bad Company (Who thought pairing Hannibal Lecter and the guy from Pootie Tang would be a good idea?). And he did romance in Their Eyes Were Watching God. And if there’s any doubt that he would be convincing as a romantic lead, let me put you at rest with this: he dated (and very nearly impregnated) a post-Die Another Day Halle Berry.

Halle Berry: Boyfriend, fetch me some water.
Michael Ealy: As you wish.

Yeah, he’ll do just fine.

Buttercup – Zoe Saldana

For my money, the hottest young black actress in Hollywood. You can take Gabrielle Union and Nia Long and Joy Bryant, I’ll take the spicy ballet dancer from Center Stage. I know she could pull off the period gowns; and she was very likable and charismatic in The Terminal so I know Humperdink’s kingdom would fall for her. And if she can makes us believe she did anything more than tolerate Ashton Kutcher in Guess Who, then she can most definitely convince Humperdink that she’ll marry him if Wesley doesn’t come for her.

Inigo Montoya – Jesse Bradford

This was the toughest part to cast. Where do I find a sexy, dashing, adventuresome Jewish actor that can also pull off being a Latino swordsman? It’s not like they have a rush of them over at the Temple Bnai Casting Office. If only Mandy Patinkin had any kids who were actors, I’d love to keep this role in the family. But since I can’t, I’m gonna go with the guy from Clockstoppers. He’s Jewish, he played a jock in Swimfan, he played a romantic in Bring It On, and he grew some good facial hair in that awful indie flick Happy Endings. And, did I mention he was in Bring It On? Cause around here that carries a lot of weight. It’s basically, star in Bring It On, get whatever you want and have a pass on any crappy movies you make (unless you’re Kirsten Dunst and then all bets are off).

Fezzik – Shaquille O’Neal

He’s as tall as André the Giant. During most off-seasons he weighs as much as André the Giant. He’s familiar with martial arts. And best of all, just like André the Giant, nobody can understand a goddamn word he’s saying.

(Fun bit of trivia courtesy of the IMDb: While rehearsing for the film, André the Giant’s thick accent prevented many of his lines from being understood. To remedy this, actor Mandy Patinkin slapped André in the face to get him to concentrate harder.)

Vizzinni – Paul Giamatti

This was the easiest role to re-cast. No offense to the brilliant Wallace Shawn, but who else in Hollywood plays a better short, bald, angry intellectual who’s believably creepy? The Sideways guys pretty much has that niche filled. He’s easily exasperable (I think I just made up that word), so the rhyming scene would be perfectly funny (Anybody want a peanut?). And the battle of wits would be become that much more difficult for Westley. Vizzini now knows not just to never get into a land war in Asia, but he also the perfect wine to go with bread and a battle of wits. He will sniff, swish, reflect, swallow, laugh at Westley and then keel over dead. Westley may have won the battle and gotten the girl, but at least Vizzini wouldn’t have died drinking Merlot. Little victories.

Prince Humperdink – Wayne Brady

Smarm: that’s what you need to be a great Prince Humperdink. Sure, you have to look kingly and like you could be a great hunter. But most of all, you have to look and act like a smug, smarmy son of a bitch. Wayne Brady fits the bill. He always looked just a bit to fidgety on Who’s Line Is It Anyway, like it was all he could do to stop himself from reaching across the stage and choking Drew Carey. And as anyone who’s seen Chappelle’s Show can attest, Wayne Brady is scarily convincing as a villain. Watching Brady torture Dave Chappelle, it’s easy to imagine him in the Pit of Despair, pushing the lever to fifty (not fifty!).

“Is Prince Humperdink gonna have to choke a bitch?”

Count Rugen – Peter Sarsgaard

A creepy, creepy actor to play a creepy, creepy character. I used to think Sarsgaard was John Malkovich’s illegitimate child; they sound alike, they act alike, and they both play sociopaths. But Sarsgaard has overtaken him. If the two met in a dark alley, my money’s on Malkovich blinking first (He’s lost the edge after one too many Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy convention signing’s.). I was afraid for Jake Gyllenhaal’s life in Jarhead. Didn’t you just assume that at one point Sarsgaard was gonna snap, find a way to quit him, and it would be all over for poor Jake? It’s an effortless thing to imagine Sarsgaard asking Inigo’s father for a sword, then running him through once the guy had done the job (I’ve always believed it was Count Rugen’s intention from the beginning not to pay. Like he couldn’t believe how gullible Sr. Montoya was that he would just make this perfect sword without a deposit. Those Montoya’s are great swordsmen, but not so much with the business sense.).

Miracle Max – Dave Chappelle

Well if Wayne Brady’s playing Humperdink there can really only be one man suited for the job as the bitter, Humperdink-hating miracle man. Dave Chappelle. Brady gave him LSD, shot him in the leg, took his sandwich and left him for dead in the streets, and that was just in a comedy sketch. Imagine what Brady would have done if he was running an entire kingdom.

There’s no question Dave would be a great miracle man. He produced the greatest sketch comedy show in the last twenty years. He invented the most awesome signature catch phrase since Jerry Maguire. And it’s a 50/50 chance he’s actually a raging crack head in real life. And if Inigo ever questioned Chappelle’s abilities as a miracle man, Chappelle would just lay it down for him. Give him a dose of truth. He’d put down his joint, smile, and say:

“I’m Miracle Max, bitch! What’s Humperdink gonna do?”

So that’s the cast of my remake of The Princess Bride. It’s still a classic movie, except now it appeals to the one group of people that the original did not. It can’t fail. After all, if the Wayans Brothers can have a hit with White Chicks, then I can have a blockbuster with The Princess Brizzle.

Bangarang!