Nicolas Cage

It was a mathematical certainty that at some point, due to how she lives her life and treats her body, we would see Lindsay Lohan’s nipples. A Lohan nip slip is quite like an irrefutable equation. A2 + B2 = C2, wherein “A” is the number of times per year Lindsay wears either a bikini or a precariously slinky ensemble, “B” is the number of pictures taken of her every day, and “C”, of course, are her nipples (and not coincidentally, her cup size). The numbers never lie. After two years of hellblazing through the LA Club scene, monopolizing tabloid pages, careening down Celebrity Train Wreck Ave. and foolishly joining the exclusive Celebrivag Display Club, Lindsay Lohan finally embraced her “C” and flashed a nipple while playing in the ocean with her latest himbo, actor Callum Blue.

What was surprising about it was how unsurprising it actually was. I called my best friend and told him about it and he didn’t even flinch. He had just assumed it had already happened (and it had, but that wasn’t a real nip slip so much as an opportune camera angle and a loose-fitting v-neck sweater). As early as three years ago a celebrity of Lindsay’s notoriety flashing her jumbly bits would have made national news. But now, with Britney showing her schnizz, Paris getting down in nightvision, and just about every Celebritard wearing a shear dress on a red carpet at some point in their 15 minutes, Lindsay’s nipples caused barely a blip in the online gossip waters. And for a lover of Celebrity T & A that saddens me.

I miss the days before every minute of every day was caught on film. When pictures like Brad and Gwyneth sunbathing in the nude were passed around in secret, and the possibility of a celebrity going commando and forgetting to close her legs wasn’t even a thought in our heads. I miss being shocked and amazed when a hot female celebrity showed her goods on screen. It’s gotten to the point now when it’s simply assumed that we will see every hot girl’s bathing suit area. Like it’s our inherent right to invade that privacy. Part of what’s keeping Scarlet Johansson in the limelight is her adamant refusal to just relent and whip her top off. She tantalizes us with side boob and mega-cleavage, seemingly fully aware that we males are on our tippy toes waiting for her to slip up (and slip out).

The unwritten rule is that if you choose to be a Celebritard it is your obligation to put your junk on display on multiple occasions. This is a very strict rule. I can’t think of a Celebritard who hasn’t abided the rule and shown skin at some point. Paris, Nicole, Britney, Lindsay, Kim, Anna Nicole (may she rest in peace), Kirsten, Pamela, Sienna, Paris again. The only one left is Jessica Simpson, but with those hugemongous yaboos of hers, it’s bound to happen at some point.

Like I said, it’s just inevitable. Like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. Or Nic Cage making a bad action movie every year. Some things you can count on to happen. We can now add “Lindsay Lohan flashing her nipples” to that long list of inevitability. Frankly, I’m surprised it took so long. You almost have to admire her restraint. But with jailbird Paris hogging the spotlight, Georgia Rule tanking hard at the box office and the paparazzi waging war on her, it was time to unleash the pink ladies.

So with Lindsay taken care of , I think it’s high time we look to the future and take stock of what other inevitable things are due to come true. I’ve compiled a list of inevitable events for your reading pleasure. We can cross them off together as they (inevitably) happen, and not be surprised by any of it.

CELEBRITY EVENTS THAT ARE INEVITABLE

- Nicole Ritchie will put on 10 pounds and People Magazine will immediately put her on the cover celebrating her new “curvy” body. In the story Ritchie will apologize for being a poor role model to young girls and vow to shed light on the dangers of anorexia. Upon release of the issue, Nicole will stop eating for a week, claiming she looked like “a huge fat fatty” on the cover.

- Scarlet Johansson will eventually show her breasts on film. We must all be patient. (Of course she’ll probably pull a Halle Berry and make us wait fifteen years to see them only to unleash them in a wickedly traumatic sex scene between her and an age-ravaged Denzel Washington. The scene will be gross times ten, but the rack will still be glorious!)

- Paris Hilton serving only four out of the 45 days of her jail term, holding a press conference proclaiming her to be a new woman, no longer the racist, vapid socialite we have come to know and not love. Three days later she’ll be seen dropping N-bombs in front of The Standard (while driving away in her brand new Bentley).

- Lost will end in 2010 without a clear answer as to where the island really is, what the hell the black smoke monster was, are they really dead, why Jack turned into such a pompous ass, why Evangeline Lilly was ever attracted to Dominic Monaghan, how Locke regained use of his legs, or who created the Dharma Group. Creators Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse will twirl their evil mustaches, close out their LARGE bank accounts and walk off into the sunset muttering one word under their breath: “suckers”.

- Keanu Reeves will win an Oscar. No joke here, this is really going to happen.

- In an attempt to court critics, Owen Wilson will cut off his glorious shag, donate the hair to charity, and go bald for a heavy psychological drama. The movie will be a disappointment, but the discarded shag will go on to serve as hut roofing for an entire African village. It will have a larger cultural impact than Luke Wilson.

- A celebritard will crash into and kill a paparazzo in a doomed attempt to flee a club. In retaliation, paparazzi will eventually run a different celebritard off the road in an incident eerily reminiscent of Princess Diana. The death of the celebritard will be far more publicized than the death of the photographer. This will create a war between celebrities and the paparazzi with Lindsay Lohan in the King Leonidas role and Harvey Leven of TMZ.com as Xerxes. Kim Kardashian will be the lone celebritard survivor; eyeless and heartbroken, she will spend the rest of her life retelling the climactic battle and honorable death of so many pampered, untalented Young Hollywooders. Miramax will buy the rights to the story and cast Ben Affleck and Matt Damon to star (they put those guys in everything).

- Brett Ratner will direct a critically acclaimed movie. The world will be shocked. As he walks to the podium to collect his Best Director Oscar his body will shake uncontrollably and suddenly burst into flames. It will be revealed that Ratner was really a robot, controlled by an evil genius. That man? Woody Allen

- A very confused eight year-old will stick a pin in Jennifer Lopez’s ass, assuming it’s a very large set of denim balloons. In an odd twist of events, J.Lo’s ass will actually burst sending the diva flying through the air like a deflated balloon. An enterprising children’s book author will subsequently pen a horribly misguided sequel to the beloved book “The Red Balloon”.

- Val Kilmer will continue to gain weight, eventually reaching the size of his former nemesis, Marlon Brando. He will tragically die after he comes upon an uneaten two-day old Subway party sub filled with all the trimmings and proclaim “I’m your huckleberry”. In response, Kurt Russell will hold a press conference, calling out the Subway chain for their negligence. As official spokesperson Jared flees in terror Kurt will yell: “Tell all the Subway execs the law is comin! You tell them I’m coming… and hell’s coming with me!”

- Renee Zellweger, under increasing social pressure, will get a face-lift to alleviate her bitch face. Her subsequent surgically enhanced look will turn out to be the most startlingly beautiful face ever seen on a human. Even Angelina Jolie will weep from its splendor. Her bitter face was actually shielding her awe-inspiring perfection from a society not ready to face such a vision. Renee will dub her new look “Magnum”. But really, I shouldn’t even be talking about it; we’re nowhere near ready to see it.

- On her eighteenth birthday pre-approved hottie and resident hero, Hayden Panetierre, will begin her slow descent into then world of Celebritardism. Within a year she’ll have driven drunk after a night of partying at Hyde, lost twenty pounds but still kept her boobs, gotten married in Vegas to a D-list boytoy (only to have it annulled within six months, Shannen Doherty-style), and fired from Heroes after one to many late arrivals and an odd pattern of showing up pale on Mondays, tan on Wednesdays and orange on Fridays. The show will hire Brittany Snow as her replacement and the ratings immediately improve. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen will call Brittany for a ceremonial passing of the torch. Peter Petrelli will silently weep in a corner.

- George Clooney will settle down and have kids with a moderately attractive non-famous woman. He will become a wonderfully loving, if slightly pudgy, Soccer Dad. Women across the world will simultaneously break out in tears. This will result in the largest man-made flood in human existence, wiping out half the Eastern seaboard and plunging all of Africa into the Indian Ocean. Historians will call this disaster “The Clooney Catastrophe”. Miramax will buy the rights to the story and cast Ben Affleck and Matt Damon to star (they put those guys in everything).

- Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt will grow up to be surprisingly plain. Her abs will be nothing to shake a stick at and her lips will be disappointingly thin. She will have zero charisma and end up a dental assistant for a sub-standard HMO. Suri Cruise will grow up to be a well-respected Cantor for a prominent Jewish Synagogue. Britney Spears’s two kids will grow up to be Cheetos.

Bangarang!

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