Celebrities are always being credited, or should I say blamed, with starting trends. Jennifer Beals caused a nation of woman to massacre their sweaters, Woody Harrelson made white guys think they could hoop, George Clooney is responsible for the raft of Caesar haircuts that lamed across America back in the 90’s, and so on and so forth. What they do and think, we want to do and think. And usually, it’s pretty harmless. And then sometimes, Sarah Michelle Gellar is involved, and things get… ugly

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

• Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

• Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

• Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

• Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

• SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

• Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

• Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

• Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

• Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

• Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

• Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

• Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

• And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

/Conner Oberst emos on the soundtrack

/discerning people not in the need of Xanax immediately roll their eyes

“Why is my life so HARD? I just want to rub my hands across some Damien Rice vinyl records and ruminate on the many ways I can fold my heart. Because I am DEEP.

People just don’t understand the complexities that are me. It’s not easy being Zach Braff. It’s not easy being so CREATIVE.

Let them try and pick which Ryan Adams song goes just perfectly with my psuedo-emotional interpersonal relationship drama. I bet they pick “Everybody Knows”, instead of “Two”, cause they’re stupid. And SHALLOW!

This knit sweater perfectly encapsulates my inner torment at being a misunderstood, famous TV star and Grammy winner. The grey stripes represent my annoyance at having to make out with deliriously hot actresses all the time.

/looks at next episode of Scrubs

Another episode where I get to make out with guest star Keri Russell? Oy, why does this world hate me so much?

It’s sad that no one in this world recognizes my stubble as a mask for my lament of modern love. But I do. Because I (snore) dated Mandy Moore. And I LAMENT things. You don’t know the lamenting I have had to DO. Kissing Natalie Portman in the rain does things to you. Sad things. Things I can only express in a slo-motion montage of people looking wistfully into the middle distance, scored by Rilo Kiley. I hope you never feel that type of sorrowful expression. Because it is PAINFUL.

Money is a crutch that inhibits our personal freedom from mindless materialism. I shop at Banana Republic. But I do it ironically!

My glasses make me INDIE. I look down on KCRW, because I am so INDIE. My INDIE glasses win me Independent Spirit Awards for coming up with brilliant ideas like playing Coldplay’s “Don’t Panic” while I stare blankly into a mirror. My glasses help me FEEL.

The Arcade Fire use too many horns. There, I said it. GOD!

You know, I just want to give the world my talent. To show them what is inside Zach Braff. To give them hope that this world is not so bad if you’re the third-highed paid actor on television. That they too could be like me, if only they were better looking, funnier, and had my winning personality. But alas, I can’t. People just aren’t ready to LISTEN. They aren’t ready to UNDERSTAND.

/Zach’s agent calls

What? They want me to do a threesome scene with Courtney Cox and Sarah Chalke? But they’re really attractive! And I’m getting a raise? UGH! God… you just don’t GET IT!

Sigh… it’s OK, Zach, one day you’ll show them. One day…”

Bangarang!

Uh, gotta any acting gigs?

Please, anything you have in your pocket, or production office, will do. I promise not to use it on poker tournaments or runs for political office. I just need them to act.

I haven’t acted in a long time and I’d really like to do that again. So anything you can give would help.

Here, here, let me do a monologue for you.

See, wasn’t that good! I still have it, I swear! Your spare acting gigs will not go to waste. No Gigli’s, I promise. Only Changing Lanes and Chasing Amy quality jobs.

I’m in a 12-step program about my bad script-choosing addiction. I know now that I only did Payback because I was angry at myself and lashing out at Matt for not getting me a gig on Ocean’s Eleven. But I am learning to control my habits.

I just did a cameo in Smoking Aces, where I get killed. See, that’s better, right? You’ve all wanted to see that happen, yes? And wasn’t that scene with me and Bateman funny? Sure, I kept a straight face about as well as Fallon in a Debbie Downer skit, but c’mon, I was there, I should get SOME credit!

Please, I have a wife and daughter to feed. Look, my daughter is getting better press than me; my wife just did a movie with McConaughy. McConaughey! Who knows what grubby slacker disease he osmosised onto her. Damon is a huge mega star now and I’m fucking Jimmy Kimmel. It’s been a rough while for the old Affleck.

I just need a little help, is all. Anything you can spare.

/Russell Crowe walks by

Russell, Russell, please, spare any acting gigs?

/Russell socks Ben in the face, spits in his ear and wipes his shoes on Ben’s ass

I just want to act again!

/Russell drops a script on his fetal body

Oh, oh thank you Russell! State of Play. Well, that sounds good. Who’s in it? Russell, Helen Mirren, Robin Wright Penn, Jeff Daniels, Bateman and wait… OMG… OMFG… ZOMG! Rachel McAdams is in this? THE Rachel McAdams? Do you know what this means???

BEN AFFLECK IS BACK, BABY!

/A producer walks by and hands Ben a script

Get fucked, Suit, I don’t need your charity direct-to-DVD movie. I’m Ben Affleck! And Imma be a star again!

Bangarang!

Russia is at war, the Olympics are happening, the Presidential Election is hitting its peak, and we are losing talented celebrities left and right (R.I.P. Bernie and Isaac)… but let’s talk about something important. Defamer is reporting that the $14 million People Magazine cover featuring the newest rookie’s on the Brangelina Team is… wait for it… NOT SELLING WELL.

Excuse me for a moment…

/weeps into my own shoulder.

Sorry, I’m back. Just a human moment, happens to everyone. I’m ready to talk about this calmly and rationally.

OK, so, sales are are about a million off pace, relative to what they spent (though, to give context, the cover of Nicole Ritchie and her pet child sold only 26 total copies, and one was to my Mother, so 2.5 mil copies for Knox and Vivienne ain’t too bad). And it looks, totes sadly, like People Magazine will lose money on their risky “exploitation of celebrity newborn” gambit, which worked so well the first time Brangelina premiered a golden (caucasian) child. I guess this means we can go ahead and consider the twins a bunch of tiny, new failures. Ah, sadface smiley.

Maybe that slacker, hippy toddler, Ryder Russell Robinson, can console them.

Owing to such a momentous mild disappointment, explanations and excuses have been flying back and forth. But as we all know, I have no interest in official explanations. It’s far more fun to postulate, speculate, ruminate and insult…tate. So to that end, here are my…

10 Reasons Why The Pitt-Jolie Twins People Magazine Cover Isn’t Selling Well

10- What the hell is on Brad’s face? Is that a… goatee? He realizes this isn’t 1997 anymore, right?

9- Yeah, yeah, good for the hot mega stars having sex and making babies. Whoop de doo. Did you hear Kelly Bundy has breast cancer? How awful is that.

8- Knox, really? No one on earth has ever cared about anything named Knox. And unless Levi Jeans McConaughey is getting his toddler mack on with Vivienne, I’m bored of this chick already.

7- Residual Shia crushed-hand worry consuming the nation’s interest in Celebreality.

6- Wait a second! The heavy girl from Hairspray beat the shit out of an America’s Next Top Model contestant? At an airport in the Caribbean? Over seats in the lounge? And we don’t have footage of this? And they all went to foreign JAIL?! Sweet sassy molassey, I need me some hourly updates on this, supes pronto!

5- Customers from rural areas of the country not sure what the big deal is about that goofy cowboy guy from Thelma & Louise and the weird, knife-carrying girl from Tomb Raider popping out a couple of kids.

4- Go Team Aniston!

3- America is finally realizing that Violet Affleck is the sleeper hit of the Baby Draft.

2- Dude, we all know that Angelina Jolie is only interesting when she’s holding a gun and wearing raccoon eyeliner.

1- Um, they’re babies. Seriously, they already had four of these things. It’s not like they released a sex tape, or got married, or traded the underperforming Pax Thien for Suri Cruise. Let’s get real. Someone tap me on the shoulder when one of these exalted poop machines cures Cancer; until then, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna worry about things that actually matter, like Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams maybe getting back together (which: whoa!).

Bangarang!

In relationship news, Pink, the notoriously guy-style V-stomached musical artist and singer of pop songs so frustratingly catchy they make you want to reverse puke, has found new love in the arms of former Has Been-Never Was cult actor Yahoo Serious. Serious, the Australian comedian last seenn not bothering pop culture in any way shape or form, has apparently stolen the heart of the pop temptress. Sources close to the singer say that the duo are “serious”, no pun intended, and are considering taking their relationship to “the next level”.

Candidly staged pictures of the pair are rumored to be floating around wire services, waiting for anyone at all to care enough to place a bid on them.

Pink and Serious met randomly at a Banana Republic outlet, each looking for the perfect beanie to wear for the Fall, for those days when they wake up late for work and don’t have the requisite three hours to tease, or the bite grip necessary to withstand the voltage from the bathroom power outlet. From there, love blossomed.

The twosome are currently canoodling in Pink’s Brentwood home, and are spending their time walking on the beach in Malibu, searching for antique VHS copies of Young Einstein and doing their best to duck under the Clearance Bar in low-bearing underground parking garages.

No word yet on the future for the happy couple, but all evidence seems to indicate that if they can stay happy together, and with their hair and matching look of surprise they would be hard-pressed to look sad, that a wedding could potentially be in the offing.

More news on this story as it comes in…

And in a related story, Yahoo Serious announced today that he likes to fuck dudes.

Bangarang!