Rachel McAdams

Things Overheard on the Oscars Red Carpet, 2007

Feb 26th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
2 comments

I really need to be hired as an official Oscar prognosticator by some reputable news source. I went eight for eight in the big races, and also nailed Best Documentary, Editing, Animated Feature, Cinematography, and Makeup. I’m especially proud of picking the Alan Arkin upset. My only real lapses were Foreign Film (I was banking on a Pan’s Labryinth sweep of the minor categories), and underestimating the tremendous Dreamgirls backlash. Somebody powerful really hates Bill Condon (but likes Jennifer Hudson).

Check any of the other eight million entertainment websites for a detailed recap of everything Oscar, because you’re not getting one here. I wasn’t overly impressed by the show, as I suspected I wouldn’t be, and don’t really want to spend any more time dissecting just how unnecessary the Michael Mann America montage was, or just how lame and unfunny the “Ellen giving Martin Scorsese” a script bit was. Instead, I’m giving you what I always give you. A look at what was on the minds of the celebrities as the walked the red carpet for the biggest night in Hollywood. It’s a little something I like to call…

Things Overheard on the Oscars Red Carpet…

Nicole Kidman: I should never have made out with Charlize Theron’s dress last year. I knew I was gonna catch something.

Jessica Biel: I can’t wait for the day when I’m nominated for Best Actor, um, I mean Best Actress. Dammit! Why do I keep doing that? I really need to lay off the bench press.

George Lucas: Wait, did I ever have a chin? I don’t think so. Maybe I can digitally insert one in post?

Beyonce: I knew I should have had Dakota Fanning kill Jennifer. I don’t know what it would have cost, but it would have been worth it.

Ryan Gosling: This is all so beneath me. I’m going home to Rachel McAdams, like I care if the dude from Battlefield: Earth beats me?

Elisabeth Shue: Wait, why am I here? Am I being belatedly honored for my work in Hide & Seek?

Kate Winslet: Well, this is gonna be an uneventful night for me. Again. Good thing I brought my iPod. (singing to herself) My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps…

Jackie Earl Haley: Danny Bonaduce WISHES he looked as good as me.

Forrest Whitaker: This all just goes to show that the key to success in this business is starting your career in Jean Claude Van Damme movies. Maybe if Peter O’Toole had played Tong Po in Kickboxer he’d have won one by now.

Meryl Streep: I love that everyone points out all my nominations but doesn’t mention the fact that I haven’t actually won one since 1983.

Ben Affleck: So I gained all the weight and did the respectable actor part everyone told me I needed to do to earn respect and salvage my career and not only didn’t I get nominated but I STILL get crap for Gigli? Fuck this noise! I’m going home to bang my duck-beaked wife and greenlight Surviving Christmas 2: Attack of the Hanukkah.

Jodie Foster: Wait a second, why does everyone look so pretty and heterosexual? I thought the theme was “Gay Chic”? I wore my Tuesday clothes! So embarrassing…

Jack Nicholson: My head looks like a Trader Joes AA-size egg and I’m still getting the best tang tonight! Who wants to bet me I can nail Helen Mirren without taking my pants off?

Reese Witherspoon: And the “Eat It, Ryan Phillippe! I Look HOT!” Tour keeps rolling on.

The Jay: As does the “Shut UP, Squirrel Chin!” Tour. See you in Woodstock!

Peter O’Toole: Where am I? Who are all you people? Wot’s all dis, then? Are we shooting King Ralph 2? … I am old.

Sherry Lansing: Now, I, Skeletor Sherry, am Master of the Universe! Kneel before your master, Tom Cruise! KNEEL BEFORE ME!!!

Tom Cruise: I will never kneel to you! By the Power of L. Ron, I have the power!

Will Smith: Just keep smiling and laughing and no one will see your pain. It’s ok Will, one day we’ll convince them. One day. Oh HA HA HA! That’s a funny joke, Mr. Scorsese. … love me.

Gwyneth Paltrow: As long I keep putting the attention on the girls, no one will remember that I’ve been a vapid suck whole of talent for the last eight years. Yes, that’s it people, stare at my ugly boobs. STARE!

Samuel L. Jackson: Muthafuckin’ Academy not nominated me for Snakes on a Muthafuckin’ Plane! Shiiiitt. We’ll see how they like it when I toss around a half-naked white woman. Fucking Christina Ricci gets you places in this town, just look at Charlize Theron. … muthafucka!

Helen Mirren: I am a right hot bitch. Who wants to bet me I can nail George Clooney during my acceptance speech and still look classy?

Martin Scorsese: Oy! I got schpielkis in my genectikizoid! Look at Clint over there, looking all smug. I hate him. I HATE HIM! I swear to God, if he beats me again I’m dialing Dakota during the commercial break.

Cameron Diaz: I really can’t be mad at Justin. I mean look at me. Even I know I’m a wreck. Jessica Biel, even with her manly arms and overwhelming aura of butch dykeyness, is still hotter than me. Hell, he’d probably bang bald Britney again before me. I must stop letting myself look like the bad end of a three day coke bender. If Robert Downey Jr. can do it, so can I!

Eddie Murphy: No matter what, at least I look better in a fat suit than Martin Lawrence.

Abigail Breslin: OMG! Was that Dakota? Is she here? Oh no! Oh no! Steven Spielberg’s coming up to me. What if she’s reprogrammed him to be her own personal ninja assassin? I’m young and ever so adorable. I don’t want to die.

Dakota Fanning: Don’t fuck with the Fanning.

Steven Spielberg: Just do what she says and everything will be just fine. … I hope.

Bangarang!

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Separated At Fugly: Rachel McAdams and Gwen Stefani

Jan 30th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
7 comments

rachel mcadams and gwens tefani

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! What are you doing? You slay the world in 2005 and then fall off the face of the Earth, only to show up to the Critics Choice Awards looking like a Gwen Stefani stalker of the week. Despite popular opinoin, Gwen Stefani is not someone you want to aspire to be. Her music is kitschy, not memorable. You starred in the best romance and the best comedy of the last decade. Her husband is way un-talented, while your fiancee is crazy good at his job. At this point, Gwen will always be considered a fashion statement before an actual artist. You, on the other hand, have a chance to be in the top shelve of actors for your generation. But not if you continue down this path of not making movies and looking fugly.

You’re supposed to be classy; the antithesis of all the no-talent, skazzy Celebritard-wastoids clogging the internets (ahem, Tara Reid, ahem). You’re not supposed to attend social functions looking like Gwen’s slightly dykey third cousin. Your Notebook goodwill only extends so far, and the clock is ticking. So stop it. Seriously.

You were The Next! Get it together and start making some movies again, goddamn it!

Bangarang!

P.S. The Dark Knight is a good start.

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TheJay.com’s One Year-Old Birthday Blowout Extravaganza Spectacular!

Sep 13th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
18 comments

One year ago today I posted the first article on the re-launched TheJay.com (You can read that first post HERE). It’s been a wild twelve months; a ride that has seen its shares of highs (TheJay.com linked on the IMDB!) and it’s lows (Crash winning the Oscar comes to mind). I have made some great friends through the site (Craig Beilinson for one, who writes the best press junket reports on the net. Or the guys over at Matt Kreiger). I have made some fun enemies (basically any Orlando Bloom, Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellweger fan). But mostly I’ve had a blast writing about entertainment, and an even greater pleasure of interacting with my readers. I don’t usually do personal posts because this is not that type of blog, but I thought today I’d take you behind the scenes of TheJay.com to show you what the year was like for me.

I launched with a completely different attitude, style and direction than I have today. At the time I was hoping to post 4-5 small posts per week, or about one a day. They were going to be more news-based, similar to the 5,000 other gossip sites that cover the latest La Lohan shenanigans (And while we’re on the subject, seriously Lindsay, put some underwear on. There hasn’t been a celebrity whose cootata we wanted to see less at this point.). So I’d cover the happenings of entertainment, but also intersperse non-time sensitive pieces about whatever I was passionate about that day. This all worked well and good for about a month, when I realized I didn’t have the time to write 1,000 words a day on topics that are being covered more thoroughly and with better pictures, elsewhere (egotastic, defamer and the superficial come to mind). So over the course of the next few months I slowly moved the site to being less news-oriented and more feature-based. I liked the topics more, I had more time to devote to the individual pieces, and I felt like the site became more unique.

The problem was that my post count dropped dramatically. I went from writing 11 posts in September to writing just 5 in October and 7 in November. Over the last year I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I will never be as prolific as other bloggers. I have too many other things going on in my life to pump out more than 8 posts a month. On the other hand, those eight posts average 2200 words each, so my content volume is probably the same as your average 25 post per month blog. Also, the topics I cover are fresher, and the pieces themselves are deeper in their examination. Basically, you get more by getting less. Unless this site starts paying for my entire life (which I doubt it ever will), you can expect two posts per week at best.

In January I made what some would consider an ill-fated decision to cover the Oscars for a straight month. Eight posts all devoted to the Academy Awards. I even posted a schedule. Bad idea. My computer crashed, I was in a job search and the last thing I wanted to do was talk more about Reese Witherspoon winning an Oscar (shudder). So lesson learned: I will never again post a post schedule. I may allude to things I’ll be writing about (i.e. everyone in the world knew I’d write a Keanu Reeves piece this summer, and you bet you’ll be getting an Emilio Estevez piece when his movie Bobby comes out), but I will never outright tell you when to expect them. Because I will never come through; I abhor deadlines, and they hate me too.

After the Oscars the site faltered for a while as I tried to figure out my next move. My numbers were slowly increasing (they doubled from March to April), but I couldn’t figure out what you all wanted to read. I was picking up the fact that you preferred celebs over movies and movies over TV, but I couldn’t seem to deduce what it was about my writing about movies and celebs that you liked. I wrote some ill-advised pieces about more time-oriented subjects (shudder, Siberia Season, shudder). And I wrote some funny ones that turned out better then I deserved (Ten Sequels I’d Like To See). But ironically, it was my first celebrity target than helped me to move the site in the right direction.

The third post I ever wrote was called “Kenny Chesney Immune To Bitchface”, where I railed on the “fake” marriage between Chesney and Renee Zellweger. A lot of people got upset at me for calling her names and being so mean and hateful. Those people are obviously wrong. As my boy A-Train likes to say “What’s the internet for, if not to slander people anonymously?” In response to the backlash I wrote a piece called “Renee Zellweger Doesn’t REALLY Have a Bitchface”. And over the first seven months of TheJay.com Renee became my target du jour. I slammed her every chance I got. But then in March my Mom asked me to write her a Mother’s Day piece where I was nice to Renee, and I took the challenge. The piece turned out pretty good (read it HERE), but what was better was the reaction from my readers. My numbers went up after I posted the piece. And from that I learned this: highlight a celebrity and talk about something that makes them unique. And from that point on I tried to focus my posts on someone or something, specific.

That practice culminated in early May when I was on the treadmill and was trying to come up with ideas for what I wanted to say about The Da Vinci Code. I don’t care about religion, I didn’t really like the book, and the controversy had been covered ad nauseam by the mainstream press. What I kept thinking about was Tom Hanks’s Hair, specifically how much it sucked. And it got me to thinking about his hair over the years, and I realized that it has always sucked. And thus “Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair” was born.

Up until that point I hadn’t tried to market or advertise the site. For one reason or another I didn’t think I had written anything worth making a fuss over. But the Tom Hanks piece turned out really good. I happened to chance on the blog site for Vh1’s Best Week Ever and sent the editors a link to my piece. They liked it and suggested I submit it using their “Drop It” feature. A day later Best Week Ever wrote an entry on their main page about my piece and TheJay.com got it’s very first shout out. That was the last time my site was anonymous. Less than a day later the piece has been picked up by more than ten other blogs. A day after that I signed on to my stat program to see that I had jumped more than 18 GB in over a day! And since the most bandwith I had ever done in a single day before that was 200MB, that was a HUGENORMOUS boost in traffic. As it turns out, Ebaum’s World had put my piece as one of their Daily main page links, AND College Humor listed in their Hot Links section. Those two links started a wildfire of hotlinking, and before I knew it I had done 80GB in traffic in just over two weeks, had more than 60,000 new readers, and saw my site get listed on the Alexa Rankings for the first time (at number 1,300,000). I had sites in a dozen foreign languages reprint my post. I had 100 comments before I even knew it (when my previous high had been 9). The traffic request crashed my server; I had to upgrade the size of my hosting plan five times in a week (Big thanks to Greg Swaney at Nexcess.net for his patience, understanding and awesome deal making. To this day, I’m glad to be a Nexcess customer). This post had put my site on the map. What was I going to do for a follow up?

The answer, in short, was Keanu Reeves. I had long since been a fan of The One, and had been defending him to my friends and family for years. After seeing the success of writing about a quirk of a celebrity near the time of the release of their new movie, I knew it was time to write a Keanu piece, in time for his new (quality draining) Sandra Bullock weepfest The Lake House. So on June 6, 2006, late in the evening I posted “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”. It was a great piece that highlighted the forty reasons why Keanu was cool, and I was extremely proud of how it came out. I went to bed a happy man, and with a feeling like this post was going to do good things for TheJay.com. Boy, was I right. By the time I checked my stats the next morning, I had already done more than 5GB of traffic (in less than 10 hours). Apparently, an enterprising reader put a link to the post on Reddit, which prompted an outpouring of support for the two time Ted “Theodore” Logan. The piece shot to the top of their most liked chart, landing it on prime real estate for browsers. And just like the Tom Hanks piece before it, the Keanu piece started a wildfire. I got posted on Keanu fan sites, got picked up on Gorilla Mask, on MSNBC.com, on USA Today and Whitney Matheson’s Pop Candy, and on a bevy of smaller personal blogs. Now, I was not only on the map, I was also a destination reading spot.

Over the next two months, this story got repeated multiple times. From “What’s Hiding In Owen Wilson’s Shag” (which was linked on the front page of the IMDB) to “A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts” (which almost got me in trouble from the Associated Press) to “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” (which nearly got me crucified by ignorant fangirls), the readers and the links kept coming. Less than four months after the Tom Hanks’s Hair piece, I have welcomed more than 250,000 people to my site, and seen my Alexa ranking soar from 1.3 million to 100,000 (I’m now rolling with the big boys of the Top 100k). Last September I had less than 500 unique visitors in the entire month. This year I expect to receive more than 50,000. And I hope to make at least a third of them laugh just once.

I want to thank everyone that has been such a great help to me over the last year: A-Train, The Lady, Tim, the family (but especially my Mom for giving me several much needed guilt trips about not posting enough), Greg Swaney, Attu, Spencer Sloan, John Walkenbach, the guys at Best Week Ever, College Humor and Gorilla Mask, and most of all myself, for being such a witty, witty bitch. I have a lot of great new stuff coming over the next year, including:

1. A redesign (Pimp the new in-development logo up at the top of the post. Let me know what you think in the comments section.)
2. Merchandise (t-shirts, hoodies and underoos coming soon…)
3. An official MySpace page, where you can be my friend (tempting, I know).
4. Podcasts (TheJay, coming soon in Stereo!)
5. Much, much more (I don’t really have a fifth thing planned, I’m just anal about having a nice round number.)

So stick around and enjoy the sarcasm and Reese Witherspoon insults. You won’t be disappointed. For your reading pleasure I’ve provided a breakdown of the site below. It’s everything you eve wanted to know (or probably didn’t care) about TheJay.com. Enjoy!

TheJay.com: A Stat Breakdown

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Total # of Visits: More than 375,000

Total # of Unique Visitors: More than 265,000

Total Bandwidth: More than 300GB

Average # of Readers Per Month: More than 22,000

Average # of Readers Since May: More than 52,000

Biggest Month: July 2006 – 75,000 Unique Visitors, 1,430,000 Hits, 60GB

Biggest Day: August 24, 2006 – 17,000 Unique Visitors, 310,000 Hits, 18GB

Alexa Ranking on May 1, 2006: 1,300,000

Alexa Ranking on September 13, 2006: 100,856 (A 1,300% jump in just four months)

Total Number of Posts: 77 (An average of 6 posts per month. Who says I’m not prolific?)

Total Number of Words Written: More than 160,000 (Good lord, I could have written a book in 160,000 words. And you know what the title would have been? “Tonight at The Jay: Everyone Gets Laid”. It’s tasteless, disgusting, offensive, and the best PCU quote.)

Total Number of Comments: 840

Total Number of Links: 373 links (and counting) from 166 blogs

Best / Coolest Links: IMDB, EW, Pop Candy, Ebaum’s World, College Humor, Gorilla Mask

Most Popular Post: Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair

Most Controversial Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It

Most Overlooked Post: Tie:

- Ten Sequels I Would Love To See
- Recasting a Classic: Princess Bride

Worst Post: Tie:

- Siberia Season
- Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

My Favorite Post: Tie:

- Rachel McAdams Is The Next
- 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers
- Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
- A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts

My Least Favorite Post: Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

Funniest Post (per capita): Tie:

- Tearful Celebrity Apologies
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

Longest Post: The Jay’s 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!!!

My Favorite Posted Picture: The Jake Gyllenhaal Salute

Most Commented On Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
– 291 Comments (and counting)

Biggest “The Jay Is An Idiot (more than normal)” Post: The Case For: Brokeback Mountain, Best Picture Oscar Winner

Biggest “The Jay Is So Smart He Might Actually Be A Prescient Being” (aka The “In Your Face, I Was So Right!” Award) Post: The time I told everyone I knew that King Kong would disappoint at the box office (but neglected to write it down as proof of my awesome forecasting powers).

Number of Swipes at Reese Witherspoon: More than 12 (don’t worry, I’ll get this higher next year)

Biggest “Friend of TheJay.com”: Robot Hand Is The Future, who has taken to linking every post I do, despite it’s quality. Thanks man!

Worst “Friend of TheJay.com”: Defamer – Would it kill you to link to me just once? Selfish, link-hoarding bastards (said completely out of love)!

Number of Unwarranted Cracks at Innocent Celebrities: Trick question, nothing I say about celebs is unwarranted. I’m harsh, but I’m right.

“Smartest” Post: Tie

- Breaking the Release Bubble Of Hollywood
- Royal Rumble: Movies vs. Marketing

Meanest Post: Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?

Most Kiss Assy Post: I Saw Fiona Apple At The Wiltern And You Didn’t (I had to acid burn my nose just to get the smell of freaky musician ass of my nose.) (P.S. Your welcome for that visual.) (P.P.S.S. Fiona, your awesome; you too KT Tunstall, while we’re at it!)

Most Annoying Reader (s): The ten people or so who keep stealing my columns and reprinting them in their MySpace blogs without my permission. Screw you, thieving jackasses. Respect the Creative Commons liscense, bitches!

Most Awesome Hate Comments:

1. From the Tom Hanks Piece: rougy: Are you serious? Are you for real? Are you that petty and superficial? Here’s my grade for snarky diva websites who blow the miniscule out of proportion: F–

2. From the Tom Hanks Piece: The Dominator: Suck my dick this is horrible the guy is a complete shmuck fuck u and tom hanks get a life douche bag.

3. From the Tom Hanks Piece: Amy: You’re a moron. Plain and simple.

4. From the Owen Wilson Piece: shaia: ok, first off, this is the lamest thing i have ever read….Are people really that jealous of a star? do you NOT have anything better to do?? Did you truly get paid to write this? it is a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of probably someone brilliant talent of working for a newspaper (The Jay’s note: My readers are so eloquent. And have the best grammar.)

5. From the Orlando Bloom Piece: Victoria: Ok, I am an Orlando Bloom fan & I thought what you said was very rude, mean & Arrogant. If you don’t like his movies then don’t watch them or are you too stupid to do that because from your article it kind of sounds like your (sic) a complete moron anyway. You’re free to express your opinion but doesn’t make it right now does it. I so happend (sic) to like Pirates of the Caribiean (sic) Dead man’s chest, I didn’t like it, in fact I LOVED IT. You should quit your day job because you don’t know what you’re talking about by the way Troy too was a good movie, I liked it so much I bought the DVD. I think he is a a very talented actor. so all I have to say is nobody likes Jerks, it’s not a good trait. You’re just a jealous hater who has nothing better to do then to put down someone that’s doing better then you. Have a Great day! (The Jay’s Note: Again, let me call out how intelligent and well-written my readers are.)

Most Awesome Fan Mail Comment:

From Tearful Celebrity Apologies: Tony: Hey dude, dis is sum funny shit.

(Ed note: This is all I hope to hear from my readers. I’ve had more effusive fan mail, but this one sums it up best. Keep it coming, Tony. If you keep reading my funny shit, I’ll keep writing it.)

Thank you everybody, for reading and supporting this tiny, sarcastic, uber-witty, ultra-insightful, totally relevant, exceedingly important, humble website. It is much appreciated.

Bangarang!

Tearful Celebrity Apologies

Jul 28th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
8 comments

Celebrities just don’t apologize enough. They release statements that try to white wash bad behavior, but no one ever comes outright and admits wrong doing. And that’s a mistake. With all the lying and cheating and paparazzi bashing and internet stalking going on these days, it’s hard to believe anything that comes out of anybody’s mouth. But I bet if someone were accused of something, say Paris Hilton getting accused of hacking into Lindsay Lohan’s cell phone (which actually happened last week), and Paris came out and said “Hell yeah I hacked the Firecrotch. She’s mean and she deserved it,” I bet no one would be mad at her. Heck, I bet she’d probably gain points in most peoples eyes.

You see, we like the truth. And we like the humility that stars must show when they tell the truth. Celebrity scandals would flame out much faster if the stars involved just came right out and admitted their involvement. We know (all) celebrities aren’t perfect. You have to be at least 35% crazy just to want to be in the entertainment industry so it’s no surprise when an actor turns out to be nuts and/or violent and/or sexually deviant and/or pure evil (Loved you in Baretta, Robert Blake!). So it’s a surprise to me that more stars don’t go down this road.

Wouldn’t you like La Lohan better if she just admitted to the coke and the anorexia? Wouldn’t you like Colin Farrell better if he just admitted he bangs anyone that so much as blinks at him (male or female)? Wouldn’t you like George Lucas better if he apologized for Jar Jar and the Star Wars prequels? I know I would.

We need to make this happen. We need to force celebrities to confess to their sins and hone up to the truth. And while we attempt to come up with a way to do just that, here’s a sampling of some of the tearful celebrity apologies I’d like to hear most.

Nicole Ritchie: Paris, I’m sorry I invited all your friends over to watch the video of you getting nailed by that greaser. That was wrong of me (but funny). I’m sorry about that one time when you got so drunk you passed out and I tattooed “Skaz” into your upper thigh. That was mean of me (but again, funny). And I’m sorry that I may have given you herpes. That was a weird night for me (this one’s not so funny); it’s confession time: I’m the real Firecrotch. And I’m very contagious.

Brad Pitt: I’m sorry, Jen. I know it was wrong of me to leave you for Angie, but really, do you blame me? That girl’s body is so perfect, I feel like a “3” whenever I’m around her. She may not be as down home as you. She may not smoke two packs a day like you. And she may not let me stay in Malibu instead of trekking all over Africa helping dirty foreign kids like you. But in the end, she’s still Angelina Jolie and you’re still Jennifer Aniston. Really, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for.

You, Me and Dupree: I’m sorry I ever claimed to be funny. Everyone was telling me how important I was and how Little Man was gonna kick my ass. What else could I do? I caved to movie peer pressure. But I did learn a valuable lesson: Never cast Kate Hudson in a movie that’s supposed to be funny.

Britney Spears: I’m sorry for becoming all trashy, ya’ll. But there’s only so much a person can do deny her true roots. And like my roots, I’m as backwater as they come. Please continue to fantasize about me when I used to be the hottest tits on legs. One day I’ll make it all up to you guys. Maybe a packed hard, laid down wet Playboy spread when I’m 35 and desperate. Will that make it up to y’all?

Harrison Ford: I’d apologize for Firewall and K19 and Six Days, Seven Nights and pretty much my entire career post-1997, but I’ve been drunk pretty much every day since the Air Force One premiere, so screw all of you. I’m rich, I’m grizzled, I’m dating a troll and I’m never making Indiana Jones 4. Now leave me alone! I’ve got to go fly my airplane and sign onto a mediocre action movie.

Jack Nicholson: I’m sorry I’m so “Jack”. There’s not much I can do about it. So get used to it. I’ve been awesome for a long time now. And I’m going to continue to be awesome for the foreseeable future. So I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Go Lakers!

Rachel McAdams: The Jay just told me I don’t have to apologize for anything. He says I’m perfect just the way I am. What a nice guy. I think maybe I’ll break up with Ryan and go challenge The Lady for the The Jay’s honor. Now where did I put those brass knuckles Lindsay gave me on Mean Girls?

Zach Braff: I’m sorry for appearing like I have absolutely zero interest in being on Scrubs anymore. It’s just that I am so damn kick ass now that Garden State did so well at the box office ($24 Million). I am way above this TV crap. Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go cash my latest Chicken Little residual. Humility doesn’t come cheap you know.

The Entire Cast of The O.C. (Minus the non-dearly departed Mischa Barton) : We’re sorry our show sucks now. But hey, at least we killed off Mischa. That’s something, right? Please watch us. It’s so cold here on Fox.

Orlando Bloom: I’m sorry I’m so bland. There really nothing I can do. I’ll try to be more interesting. Maybe I could date Lindsay Lohan? Would that help? If I killed a guy, would that fix the problem? I don’t know. I guess, maybe I could try acting better… wait, hmmm, I may be on to something here.

Colin Farrell: I’m sorry for denying that I ever knew that crazy bitch who attacked me on Leno and who’s suing me right now. It’s not that I lied so much as that I literally cannot tell all my sluts apart. Who can remember anyone’s name when you’re shit faced off of Yeager and Red Bull and four deep in groupies and playboy bunnies? Whoa, what’s that thing on my penis? Eh, doesn’t matter. Ladies, now serving number forty-seven? 47?

Sylvester Stallone: I’m sorry about Rocky 6. Just thought I’d get that out of the way. You know, save me some time.

Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas): I’m sorry I keep claiming I’m not a dude. Sometimes I just forget. Then I scratch my balls and I remember.

Suri Cruise: I’ve sorry I haven’t let any of you see what I look like. It’s not what you think. I’m real. I’m not a pod baby. I don’t have three arms, or six toes or any other weird appendage. It’s just, well… I’m embarrassed by my parents. I don’t want to be the kid on the street that everyone points at and goes “That’s Tom Cruise’s kid. Poor thing…” I don’t need your sympathy, ok? I just need some privacy. If people find out what I look like, I’ll never get a fair share. No guy will ever want to bang me. And the only way I’m getting out of here is if I get knocked up the first chance I get. So don’t you fuckers ruin this for me! Go away, let me do my time and when I’m a pregnant, runaway, heroin junkie at 14, I promise I’ll give you all the interviews and pictures you want.

Haley Joel Osment: I’m sorry I got loaded and crashed my Saturn station wagon (!) into a mailbox. I’ll promptly head to rehab where my publicist can stage my ratings-boosting Primetime Live sobriety now/redemption interview. As it turns out I don’t see dead people, but I do see a stint on The Surreal Life.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: I’m sorry I haven’t gotten more naked on Entourage. I know you’d think that after a bunch of hook up scenes with Nicky Hilton’s little boyfriend, a slew of potential nipple slip-favored shirts and good lord, a freaking threesome, that I’d lose my top just once. But it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ll try to rectify this at the earliest possible chance. Maybe this weekend. Especially if The Piven asks me to. I can’t deny him anything.

George Lucas: I don’t apologize for anything! If you don’t like my movies, don’t watch them, I don’t care, I’ve got billions! And I have the precious original, untouched negatives, and you’ll never get to see them. Ha haha hahaha aha (twirls beard hair like a Bond villain). … I suck.

Tom Cruise: Wooo! Apologize? Don’t be glib. You know Scientologists don’t believe in forgiveness. It goes against Xenuian emotional weakness laws. Wooo! Time to go back to “planning” the wedding. Katie, do you want roses or daffodils? Just kidding! Ha! Like you get a choice in the matter. Silly girl, you fall for that every time.

Lindsay Lohan: I’m sorry to all the teen boys of America who weren’t able to whack off to me in good conscience last year. I’m sorry to all the random guys I’ve hooked up with and never returned their calls (especially the ones that start out “Lindsay, I just got my test results back…”). I’m sorry to all the young girls who used to think I was a role model until I started doing mass amounts of coke and banging all of Paris’s ex-boyfriends. I’m sorry to all the movie studios and production companies who’ve lost money because I didn’t show up for work (Exhaustion is a serious disease, people!). But most of all, I’m sorry to my breasts, who did so much for me and my career, and I repaid them by nearly deflating them for an entire year. Girls, it’s great having you back. I’ll never have you surgically removed again!

Bangarang!


Recasting A Classic: The Princess Bride

Apr 18th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
2 comments

People don’t like to play trivia games with me.

I don’t know if it’s my lightning quick reflexes (The answer is Joanie Loves Chachi. Oh, it was your turn? Eh, you didn’t have the answer anyway. My roll…). I don’t know if it’s my encyclopedic knowledge of the cast list of every studio film for the last fifteen years (The IMDb ain’t got nothing. ON! ME!). Or if it’s my rain man-like ability to remember exceedingly useless movie trivia; for example, did you know that throughout the 80’s Bill Paxton campaigned to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones? Yeah, I know. Useless.

(Also hilarious, because could you imagine Bill Paxton as Indiana Jones? The wimp from Aliens taking on the Nazi’s and uncovering the holy grail? How delusional must he be to think that Spielberg would actually fire Harrison Ford and give the most important adventure role in movie history to the guy that couldn’t close the deal with Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies? It’s useless to you but stuff like that keeps me awake at nights.)

I own Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It’s to the point where you can’t just give me a random actor to do, I need a condition added to make the challenge worthy of my time. For example, you can’t just say: “Rachel McAdams”, because I’ll blink once and fire back: Rachel was in The Family Stone with Diane Keaton who was in Something’s Gotta Give with Jack who was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon. But saying “Rachel McAdams” but that I have to go through Demi Moore and I can’t use A Few Good Men, now that makes it interesting. (If you really want to know the answer to that one, here it is: Rachel McAdams was in The Family Stone with Luke Wilson who was in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle with Demi Moore was in Disclosure with Donald Sutherland who was in Animal House with Kevin Bacon, baby! I love this game.)

So basically I’m a movie geek with nobody to play movie geek games with. Sure I get into the sporadic “What If?” scenario or the occasional “Who Wins in a Fight?” debate, Rocky or Rambo (The answer is Rambo, Rocky can punch, but Rambo is a freaking Navy Seal. Though to Rocky’s credit, he did single-handedly end the cold war), but I don’t ever get to really strut myself in competition with friends. What’s the point of being the Michael Jordan of Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition if nobody steps on the court?

However, there is one game that I do get to play, where my exceedingly Jordanesque movie trivia skills doesn’t preclude other, lesser people from doing well. It’s called “Recasting a Classic”. It’s a subjective game where you get to remake a classic and cast the picture in any way you see fit. And then I tear your choices to shreds.

Here are the official rules of the game:

You are a big time movie director; on top of the world (except not nearly as arrogant or dickish as James Cameron when he won the Oscar for Titanic). Every executive in town is throwing movie offers at you. You are approached about one specific project, and for one reason or another, you can not turn it down. You are asked to remake “The Princess Bride”. You can take the film in any direction you want, with any actors you want, so long as none of them have appeared in the original film. Who’s your cast?

It’s a great game because it relies on your knowledge of film history (who’s been in what?), challenges your awareness of today’s acting landscape and best of all, offers an endless debate over who has the best cast. You can’t change the core concept of the movie, Westley still has to become Dread Pirate Roberts, Buttercup still has to shack up with Humperdink, Inigo still has to kill the six fingered man, and this all still has to take place in a fantasy land where a wiry Jewish actor is believable as an expert Latin swordsmen. But the cast you choose can shape your vision. For example, if you were recasting The Godfather, and you pick Chris Evans to play Michael Corleone, we would get a good understanding of the type of fake movie you’d make (A bad one from where I’m standing.)

I first played the game with Star Wars as the movie in question. You can see my choices HERE, and you can see my boy A-Train’s cast HERE. Yes, I agree, my choices ARE better. The mute guy from A Few Good Men playing Luke Skywalker? How bland can you get? Why not just cast Chris O’Donnell and be done with it? We had a good time with it, arguing the merits of Leonardo DiCaprio taking the reins of Han Solo, approaching fisticuffs over whether or not my choosing a “nobody” to play Luke was a cop out or not (I think not. If Lucas can do it, I can do it. After all, he’s the master at casting the right actor for the right role. Wait… uh yeah, let’s just move on.). Over time we’ve tried out Jaws (Matthew McConaughey as Brody), E.T. (The creepy kid from Birth as Elliot, Wilder Valderrama as the E.T.), and Animal House (Jack Black as John Belushi, natch).

Today’s challenge is The Princess Bride. This is a tough one because the movie is not only beloved, but almost perfectly cast. Every actor was spot on, so it’s hard to imagine anyone else in there place. Each character is so iconic (You don’t do much better than Inigo Montoya and his infamous greeting) that picking the wrong actor might turn off half my readership. So I realized that to do this one right I’d have to go a little wild. I had to stray from picking an obvious choice (Orlando Bloom as Westley) and go in a completely different direction. This way my choices would be valid based on a logical design and it wouldn’t bring to mind comparisons to the original classic. So where to start? Here’s how I decided on my cast…

The movie starts out with a kind, old grandfather coming to read a story to his sick grandson. And that seemed like a perfect place to start the casting. They are the foundation for the entire movie, and the casting will set the tone for my remake. As it turns out, these two characters were easy to recast. There’s only one man perfect enough to narrate the greatest true love story of all time.

The Grandfather – Morgan Freeman

He’s like the perfect grandpa, he’s rich so you know you’re getting an awesome birthday check, he’s cool so you know when your parents drop you off at his house that you’re having a good time. And best of all, when it’s time for bed, he pulls out a book, unleashes those perfect dulcet tones and takes you into a world of pure imagination.

So logically, if Morgan Freeman is the Grandfather, then I can’t just get one of those Culkin kids to play the sick Grandson. I would have to pick an African American.

The Grandson – That Kid From Lost

If Lost isn’t going to use him, then I will. He’s cute enough, has good acting chops (so he could handle Morgan) and when he gets bored he can telepathically summon a polar bear to attack Inigo.

So here’s where things get tricky. I can’t in good conscience write that Morgan Freeman would read his grandson a story about two white people falling in love. I mean it’s possible, as Morgan has been known to narrate stories about white people before (And he apparently likes doing it). But if he’s trying to convince his sick, spoiled, bratty Xbox playing grandson that he should turn off Call of Duty and listen to a love story, then he should at least be able to relate to the story he’s listening to. Therefore, Wesley and Buttercup have to be black. And if they are black that means Humperdink must be black. Which would make other cast members black as well. I’m going to make my movie color blind, which means that no one even brings up the fact that black people wouldn’t be living in the world of The Princess Bride. I refuse to modernize the story and set it in a city or something stupid like that, so you’ll have to suspend your disbelief. In a world of six-fingered men, albino torturers and rodents of unusual size, it’s not inconceivable that there would be black people in all the major roles of the story.

Anyway, here’s the rest of my imaginary cast:

Westley – Michael Ealy

Who, you ask? Exactly. The key to most of the lead roles in The Princess Bride is that you had never seen them before. Sure, they may have had some bit parts here and there, but nothing so major that they bring baggage into the movie. Cary Elwes was brilliant in part because we hadn’t yet seen him as the evil race car driver in Days Of Thunder.

(And let me just say, quite a crappy career there, Cary. You star in one classic, then play the bad guy for The Cruiser, show up in one Mel Brooks spoof, a couple of Ashley Judd women-in-peril movies and then nothing. You call it a day? Next thing we know you’re playing some British guy in Saw, and nobody can believe how bad you are in it. And you’re British! People were laughing at you in the theater. What happened? You’re the freakin’ Dread Pirate Roberts. You should be getting better parts than the “other man” to Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Do a TV show or something. Get yourself one of those CSI shows that are all the rage with onetime successful middle-aged actors. Show some self-respect.)

Michael Ealy is a rising star who you may have seen in those Barbershop movies as the guy who was trying to nail Eve. He’s perfect for the farmboy Wesley because we’ve seen him convincingly play poor before. He did action in that Chris Rock-Anthony Hopkins debacle Bad Company (Who thought pairing Hannibal Lecter and the guy from Pootie Tang would be a good idea?). And he did romance in Their Eyes Were Watching God. And if there’s any doubt that he would be convincing as a romantic lead, let me put you at rest with this: he dated (and very nearly impregnated) a post-Die Another Day Halle Berry.

Halle Berry: Boyfriend, fetch me some water.
Michael Ealy: As you wish.

Yeah, he’ll do just fine.

Buttercup – Zoe Saldana

For my money, the hottest young black actress in Hollywood. You can take Gabrielle Union and Nia Long and Joy Bryant, I’ll take the spicy ballet dancer from Center Stage. I know she could pull off the period gowns; and she was very likable and charismatic in The Terminal so I know Humperdink’s kingdom would fall for her. And if she can makes us believe she did anything more than tolerate Ashton Kutcher in Guess Who, then she can most definitely convince Humperdink that she’ll marry him if Wesley doesn’t come for her.

Inigo Montoya – Jesse Bradford

This was the toughest part to cast. Where do I find a sexy, dashing, adventuresome Jewish actor that can also pull off being a Latino swordsman? It’s not like they have a rush of them over at the Temple Bnai Casting Office. If only Mandy Patinkin had any kids who were actors, I’d love to keep this role in the family. But since I can’t, I’m gonna go with the guy from Clockstoppers. He’s Jewish, he played a jock in Swimfan, he played a romantic in Bring It On, and he grew some good facial hair in that awful indie flick Happy Endings. And, did I mention he was in Bring It On? Cause around here that carries a lot of weight. It’s basically, star in Bring It On, get whatever you want and have a pass on any crappy movies you make (unless you’re Kirsten Dunst and then all bets are off).

Fezzik – Shaquille O’Neal

He’s as tall as André the Giant. During most off-seasons he weighs as much as André the Giant. He’s familiar with martial arts. And best of all, just like André the Giant, nobody can understand a goddamn word he’s saying.

(Fun bit of trivia courtesy of the IMDb: While rehearsing for the film, André the Giant’s thick accent prevented many of his lines from being understood. To remedy this, actor Mandy Patinkin slapped André in the face to get him to concentrate harder.)

Vizzinni – Paul Giamatti

This was the easiest role to re-cast. No offense to the brilliant Wallace Shawn, but who else in Hollywood plays a better short, bald, angry intellectual who’s believably creepy? The Sideways guys pretty much has that niche filled. He’s easily exasperable (I think I just made up that word), so the rhyming scene would be perfectly funny (Anybody want a peanut?). And the battle of wits would be become that much more difficult for Westley. Vizzini now knows not just to never get into a land war in Asia, but he also the perfect wine to go with bread and a battle of wits. He will sniff, swish, reflect, swallow, laugh at Westley and then keel over dead. Westley may have won the battle and gotten the girl, but at least Vizzini wouldn’t have died drinking Merlot. Little victories.

Prince Humperdink – Wayne Brady

Smarm: that’s what you need to be a great Prince Humperdink. Sure, you have to look kingly and like you could be a great hunter. But most of all, you have to look and act like a smug, smarmy son of a bitch. Wayne Brady fits the bill. He always looked just a bit to fidgety on Who’s Line Is It Anyway, like it was all he could do to stop himself from reaching across the stage and choking Drew Carey. And as anyone who’s seen Chappelle’s Show can attest, Wayne Brady is scarily convincing as a villain. Watching Brady torture Dave Chappelle, it’s easy to imagine him in the Pit of Despair, pushing the lever to fifty (not fifty!).

“Is Prince Humperdink gonna have to choke a bitch?”

Count Rugen – Peter Sarsgaard

A creepy, creepy actor to play a creepy, creepy character. I used to think Sarsgaard was John Malkovich’s illegitimate child; they sound alike, they act alike, and they both play sociopaths. But Sarsgaard has overtaken him. If the two met in a dark alley, my money’s on Malkovich blinking first (He’s lost the edge after one too many Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy convention signing’s.). I was afraid for Jake Gyllenhaal’s life in Jarhead. Didn’t you just assume that at one point Sarsgaard was gonna snap, find a way to quit him, and it would be all over for poor Jake? It’s an effortless thing to imagine Sarsgaard asking Inigo’s father for a sword, then running him through once the guy had done the job (I’ve always believed it was Count Rugen’s intention from the beginning not to pay. Like he couldn’t believe how gullible Sr. Montoya was that he would just make this perfect sword without a deposit. Those Montoya’s are great swordsmen, but not so much with the business sense.).

Miracle Max – Dave Chappelle

Well if Wayne Brady’s playing Humperdink there can really only be one man suited for the job as the bitter, Humperdink-hating miracle man. Dave Chappelle. Brady gave him LSD, shot him in the leg, took his sandwich and left him for dead in the streets, and that was just in a comedy sketch. Imagine what Brady would have done if he was running an entire kingdom.

There’s no question Dave would be a great miracle man. He produced the greatest sketch comedy show in the last twenty years. He invented the most awesome signature catch phrase since Jerry Maguire. And it’s a 50/50 chance he’s actually a raging crack head in real life. And if Inigo ever questioned Chappelle’s abilities as a miracle man, Chappelle would just lay it down for him. Give him a dose of truth. He’d put down his joint, smile, and say:

“I’m Miracle Max, bitch! What’s Humperdink gonna do?”

So that’s the cast of my remake of The Princess Bride. It’s still a classic movie, except now it appeals to the one group of people that the original did not. It can’t fail. After all, if the Wayans Brothers can have a hit with White Chicks, then I can have a blockbuster with The Princess Brizzle.

Bangarang!

The $10 Buck List

Jan 16th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
1 comment

It’s human nature for people to let you down. There’s no way that all your friends and family can please you all the time; that someone could be there for you when you need them, every time. And we must resign ourselves to this fact, so that we can begin to care for and about them, despite their shortcomings. The beauty of entertainment, however, is that certain talents can always entertain you. Whether it be through their personality, or charisma, or beauty, some actors transcend to become the people that never let you down and are always there for you (Though your friends and family are no less important just because Morgan Freeman is always there for me, while my best friend is not. In other words, you suck A-Train. Why aren’t you more like Morgan Freeman? You’ve never once offered to narrate my life.).

There are cities of good actors. And there are boatloads of actors that have turned in a good or fun performance here or there. But only a select group of people are good all the time, and turn in a good performance, every time. They rise above bad material, they raise their game in the company of greatness, and they always seem to make you laugh, or smile, or cry, no matter what the project is. More specifically, they are the group of actors that you are always willing to spend your hard earned money for. They make up something I like to call “The $10 Buck List”.

In coming up with my list I realized that I needed to be put a few ground rules in to ensure that I had the right actors. I mean just because I think a particular actor is fantastic, doesn’t mean I’ll see everything he/ she does (Gary Oldman). And just because I’ve seen everything they’ve done, doesn’t mean I think they were good in all of it (Will Ferrell or Ben Stiller are both good examples.). So here are the rules for being on “The $10 Buck List”.

Rule #1: They can not have been bad in any movie you remember seeing them in, especially their bad movies.

For example, Ashley Judd is in a ton of bad movies, but she’s usually the best thing in it. And then came Twisted, and BAM, she was off the list.

Rule #2: You would willingly see them in any movie they are in, just because they are in it.

What I’m talking about here is that you see a trailer and it looks unimpressive. Then, say, Jack Nicholson shows up and immediately you sit up in your seat. You’re starting to smile, you got some good adrenaline pumping through you, and when it’s over, you turn to your friend and go “I am so there!” Unless the mere sight of them inspires good will in the movie, then this rule does not apply.

Rule #3: No one hit wonders. Automatic four movie minimum to make the list.

Zach Braff is a perfect example of this. He was fantastic in Garden State, and I do plan to see his next few movies, but it’s too early to tell if he’ll keep my loyalty.

Rule #4: You can’t look at their IMDB page and be surprised.

This was a late addition to the rules after I made up a rough list and then had to throw the majority of them off because I couldn’t remember or hadn’t seen half the movies they’ve been in since the start of the millennium (i.e. Robert Duvall, Sarah Polley, Halle Berry, Eddie Murphy, Bruce Willis, Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, et al.).

So after several drafts, several actors, and a few surprises (Where did #13 come from?), I have finally compiled my treasured group. The keepers of my ten spots. In other words, the exclusive members of The Hamilton Club (He’s on the ten dollar bill. Try to keep up).

The $10 Buck List a.k.a. The Hamilton’s

1. Morgan Freeman – Obviously the top of the list. He earned his goodwill with The Shawshank Redemption, Glory, Bruce Almighty (Rule #1), Kiss the Girls (Rule #2), Sum of all Fears, and about 30 other movies I’ve seen just because he’s in it. Not to mention he’s the best movie narrator in the history of cinema. He could narrate a Paris Hilton movie and make it a sure-fire Oscar contender. He’s that good. Morgan Freeman has my money until he retires.

2. Gene Hackman – A surprise number two that lofted to the top because of Rule #4. I’ve always liked him, but when I looked at his IMDB page I realized that I had seen eight of his last ten movies, and loved him in each one (I even saw Runaway Jury just so I could see his scene with Dustin Hoffman).

3. Jack Nicholson – An obvious Rule #2’er. Would you ever skip a movie that Jack Nicholson was in? I mean, ever?

4. Jeff Bridges – The Dude has my good will from a string of solid performances, capped by his transcendent role in The Big Lebowski. I’ll put it to you like this, I sat through the god awful Seabiscuit just for him, and I HATE Tobey Maguire.

5. Cate Blanchett – She’s not my favorite actress, she hasn’t made classic films, and she hasn’t accrued a tremendous amount of goodwill yet. But damn if she’s not fantastic in every single movie she’s in (The Aviator, The Gift, Pushing Tin – Rule #1, The Missing – Rule #2).

6. Tom Hanks – He never takes a day off, he has career-making hair, he never slums in bad movies (Even The Ladykillers was directed by the Coen Brothers, how was he to know it would be a disappointment?), he’s often great (Catch Me If You Can) and he’s occasionally brilliant (Saving Private Ryan, Castaway). Like Morgan, Tom will have my money until he retires (Unless I see a few too many Terminals and a few too few Road To Perditions, then I may reconsider.).

7. Owen Wilson – I can’t believe he beat out Vince Vaughn for this spot, but then I looked at Vince’s resume and realized why (Has anyone ever seen Blackball, Domestic Disturbance or The Prime Gig? Yeah, me neither). Even though Owen has the IQ of a career stoner, he’s always enjoyable, he’s always having fun and he works with other Hamilton’s, which helps his cause (Freeman in The Big Bounce, Hackman in The Royal Tenenbaums and Behind Enemy Lines).

8. Rachel McAdams – Like I wasn’t gonna have her on the list. She’s got my money for as long as she wants it. Hell, she might be the only charter member of The Jackson Club (He’s on the twenty dollar bill. Just making sure you’re all paying attention.).

9. Edward Norton – Superb actor, and a pretty good director (Keeping the Faith). After Fight Club and 25th Hour, I’d follow him anywhere. Even to Kingdom of Heaven, where I couldn’t even see his face! Talk about loyalty.

10. Kate Winslet – She had me on the ropes with Titanic, and she knocked me out with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And even though I didn’t see Finding Neverland (Because of my unjustified apathy towards Johnny Depp), I wanted to because she was in it, a clear case of Rule #2 if there ever was one.

11. Daniel Day-Lewis – He only makes a movie like once in a blue moon, but it’s an event every time, and he’s always the best thing in it (Gangs of New York).

12. Julianne Moore – I’ve loved her since Safe, and that love has brought me with her throughout the years, up through 2004 when I sat through the crapfest The Forgotten just because she starred in it. And if her excellent work in The Hours wasn’t enough, she went ahead and ruled in Far From Heaven. Count me in to see her new movie Freedomland, despite the presence of the anti-Hamilton Samuel L. Jackson.

13. Seann William Scott – Where did this one come from? Oh yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen all his movies, and liked him in all of them. He’s the best part of the terrible Dukes of Hazzard. He’s the only good thing in all the American Pie movies that isn’t Shannon Elizabeth’s breasts. And he made me laugh in The Rundown, Old School, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Road Trip and Evolution. We’ll just forget about Bulletproof Monk, so I can stay right about him.

Honorary Addition: Keanu Reeves – I can’t in good conscience leave my man Keanu off the list. I would go to war for the one-time Ted “Theodore” Logan, and have in the past, as I’ve seemingly fought with every one of my friends over the merits of Neo himself. I have said it before and I will say it again, loud and proud: I will see any movie that Keanu Reeves is in, no matter what.

The IOU List a.k.a. The Aaron Burrs

Like good has evil, like light has dark, so do the Hamilton’s have their Burr’s (Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton. Thus endeth the lesson). These five people give me so much grief from their film choices to their acting choices that I have vowed not to see a movie if they are in it. Heck, I won’t see it just because they are in it. In short, they have screwed me too many times to ever get the right to see my money ever again.

1. John Travolta – How far the mighty do fall. Be Cool was the final straw for Johnny T; I would have forgiven him Basic, Lucky Numbers and Battlefield Earth, if only he had just pulled through with the sequel to Get Shorty. But he had to go and fumble and fuck it up, and now the man that I so revered in Pulp Fiction will never make a movie that I will pay for, for the rest of his years (Unless a Hamilton is in it, then I have to see it).

2. Ashton Kutcher – Do you know how you lose all your goodwill from the underrated The Butterfly Effect, Ashton? You go and remake a Sidney Poitier movie (With yourself in the Poitier role. The arrogance of this guy!), and then you stoop to do an Amanda Peet romcom and thereby solidifying yourself as an actor I have officially given up on. You suck.

3. Jennifer Lopez – Even five years ago I would have thought that J.Lo was on her way to an Oscar. Now, you couldn’t pay me to see Monster-in-Law (But I did. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!).

4. Kate Hudson – Stop making movies. Nobody likes you. Give me my two hours back from that P.O.S. The Skeleton Key.

5. Jimmy Fallon – One word: Taxi.

So that’s the list of the good and the list of the bad. I urge you to come up with your lists and present them to me so that I can tell you you’re wrong. Because after all, this site isn’t called EveryoneElseIsRight.com, it’s called TheJay.com. Respect.

Bangarang!


Rachel McAdams is The Next

Jan 9th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
17 comments

The next what, you ask? The next Reese Witherspoon? The next Sandra Bullock? The next Meg Ryan? The next Julia Roberts? Here’s the bolder (but true) statement:

Rachel McAdams will be bigger than all of them.

Tomorrow marks the DVD release of “Red Eye”, her cool “B” movie thriller that was a late summer sleeper hit. This comes on the heels of last week’s DVD release of “Wedding Crashers”, the ginormous summer hit she sparkled in and stole every time Vince Vaughn wasn’t on-screen. These releases cap a tremendous 2005 for the fledgling Canadian would be mega-star, and was probably the best all-around movie star year since Mel Gibson’s $100 million trifecta back in 2000 (The Patriot, Chicken Run, What Women Want). This follows a 2004 that saw her not only break out as a recognizable name (with Mean Girls) but saw her carry a romantic drama to huge box office gross and now legendary chick-flick status (The Notebook). I’ll put it to you this way, with the last five films she’s made (including last month’s The Family Stone), if she retired today, we would still look at her as one of the biggest stars of the new millennium.

Her combination of fresh beauty, lightning charisma and down-to-earth humility have helped her to transcend the teen genre she started in (The Hot Chick), and in only two years vault herself to the top of the A-List. If you had a movie centered on a female protagonist and you had your choice of every actress in Hollywood, who would be on your list? Chances are it would be a short list and probably look something like this:

1. Julia Roberts
2. Reese Witherspoon
3. Rachel McAdams

Now consider that Julia has all but retired from acting in order to raise her kids, and that Reese is fast losing her audience goodwill, especially in romantic comedies (Just Like Heaven, anyone?). As well, both of those actresses have bombs on their resume, and McAdams does not. Both of them carry the baggage of past successes, and McAdams does not yet. Your choice would obviously be Rachel McAdams.

Moreover, when was the last time you saw an actress succeed in five different genres (Comedy, Drama, Thriller, Romantic Drama, Teen Comedy)? I’ll give you a hint, that person doesn’t exist. In fact, the only comparison you could make is Julia Roberts. Let’s take a closer look at the beginnings of each actress’s careers, and see if we can find some similarities.

These are Julia’s first five big films and their genres, in order:

- Mystic Pizza – All-Girl Comedy
- Steel Magnolias – Ensemble Family Drama
- Pretty Woman – Romantic Comedy
- Flatliners – Sci-Fi / Horror
- Sleeping With the Enemy – Thriller

Now look at Rachel’s first five:

- Mean Girls – All-Girl Comedy
- The Notebook – Drama
- Wedding Crashers – Romantic Comedy
- Red Eye – Thriller
- The Family Stone – Ensemble Family Drama

See any patterns emerge? They both broke out in all-girl comedies, they each had a huge comedy hit in which they were the sole female star, they each toplined their own thriller, and they each took a supporting role in a well-received family drama. Rachel is following the blue-print that Julia created for super-stardom. The only main difference is that Rachel as been able to avoid most of the tabloid hell that Julia fell prey to (due to the failed engagements to Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric). This feat is even more impressive considering how intense celebrity gossip in the media has become in the last ten years.

Also, and this is purely subjective, in twenty years, which set of films will we still be watching? My bet is on Rachel, as Wedding Crashers, Mean Girls, and The Notebook are all well on their way to permanent DVD collection status. I’ll put it to you this way, when I show my kids the best teen flicks of all time, I’m gonna run a marathon of these flicks: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Heathers, Clueless and Mean Girls. And you can bet my wife will show our daughter The Notebook before she shows her Pretty Woman. And I agree with that decision. I’d rather show my daughter a movie about the passion of two people in love, over the redemption of an L.A. street hooker, no matter how good she cleans up or how spunky she is to a snooty Beverly Hills saleswoman. So they’ll both most definitely be introduced to Rachel, before they know Julia.

So now we know that Rachel McAdams is the next Julia Roberts. Let me now tell you why she will be a bigger star that the famous red head.

First and foremost, Rachel is older than Julia was when she became famous. Rachel was 28, while Julia was only 21. Those extra seven years give Rachel a higher level of maturity, a quality necessary to navigate the ups and down of celebrity life. This maturity is most on-display in the handling her private life. Did you know that Rachel is dating (and possibly engaged) to her Notebook co-star Ryan Gosling? You probably didn’t, because they’re never on the covers of Us Magazine or In Touch Weekly. They don’t flaunt their relationship for publicity and they defend their privacy as vehemently as possible. This attitude helps her in two ways, 1. It keeps her a believable on-screen romantic foil, and 2. By staying out of the public eye, her interest level from the casual movie-goer remains high.

(By the way, the fact that she is dating Ryan Gosling, after they have become immortalized as one of the best on-screen couples of all-time, is unbelievable and no one is making anything of it. This is akin to Meg Ryan dating Billy Crystal directly after When Harry Met Sally. Or Sylvester Stallone dating Talia Shire after Rocky. Or Ben Affleck dating Matt Damon after Good Will Hunting. Why is no one paying attention to how surreal and cool this is? UNBELIEVABLE!!!)

Sydney Poitier once said that if the public sees you for free during the week, they won’t pay to see you on the weekend. That statement has never been truer than right now. So while Lindsay Lohan continues to devalue herself by slutting around in front of the paparazzi, her Mean Girls nemesis is still a mystery to the public. I know more about Lindsay than I ever cared to, and because of this, I no longer buy her on-screen. I’ve seen her next movie (Just My Luck) and at no point did I ever forget about her off-screen actions or reputation (drugs, bulimia, Wilmer Valderrama). Conversely, while watching The Family Stone, I couldn’t help but notice how easily I believed McAdams as the sister of Luke Wilson, despite having seen her romance Luke’s brother Owen not six months ago. Rachel has no off-screen baggage, and if it continues this way, she will be able to retain her pure on-screen persona during the prime of her career.

Let’s not forget, she carried a romantic drama to $80 million at the box office, in the middle of the crowded, male-heavy summer season, and turned the film into an instant-classic. To give you a sense of perspective, the last romantic drama to succeed in the summer season was back in 2002 with “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”, starring Sandra Bullock (putting on her Hope Floats face for most of the flick), and The Notebook out-grossed this film by $12 million, and did it without an A-list star. Moreover, in ten years, which film will you remember more? My money is not on the Ya-Ya (a film even my Mom can’t stand, and she LOVES Hope Floats).

In sports terms, if Rachel McAdams had come out at the same time as Julia, Julia would have been Magic Johnson, but Rachel would have been Larry Bird. Maybe Magic won more titles, but everybody knows that Larry was the better player. Also, and this can’t be stressed enough, it was easier to become a movie star in the 80’s and 90’s. There was no internet, no US Magazine, and there wasn’t 300 hundred recognizable names like there are today. Back then, if you headlined a couple movies you were a mega-star, even if you didn’t deserve it (see Winona Ryder as a prime example).

Now, it’s nearly impossible to break through the glut of the media to become a name and face that we all care about. This is why so many movies bombed this year, they were headlined by actors we don’t care about and will never care about (hello Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Garner, Paul Walker, Kirsten Dunst and Jessica Biel). Conversely, a Rachel McAdams movie has never grossed less than $60 million dollars… EVER. Think about that again. While all of her peers are releasing bomb after bomb, all of her films have been hits. Even the small movie she made (Red Eye), which had zero expectations and would have grossed $35 million tops with any other actress, was a good mid-size hit.

She has won Mtv Awards, Teen Choice Awards, and was the 2005 ShoWest Supporting Actress of the Year. Though to be fair, “critical awards” is the only area she’s lacking in. Julia had already been nominated for an Oscar and a Golden Globe by this point. But I figure since there are over 300 movies in awards contention this year, and there were only around 180 back in 1990, that this point is less important. I expect Rachel to get major awards attention for her next group of films. In fact, her audience and critic goodwill is so high right now, this is how I figure her next ten years will probably go:

- Seven movies, for which she will topline four of, with 3 grossing over $100 million, 2 grossing over $70 million, and one solid indie at $45 million.

- Three Golden Globe nominations, and one win

- Two Oscar nominations, and possibly one win.

- The covers of Vanity Fair, People, Premiere, Cosmopolitan, In Style and multiple Entertainment Weekly covers

- She will work with Steven Spielberg, and a collection of the most talented writers and directors that Hollywood has to offer.

- Her price tag will rise to $15 Million per movie, making her third behind Julia Roberts and Jodie Foster.

- There will be repeated and correct comparisons to Audrey Hepburn, both in beauty, in talent and in their respective places in cinema history.

Anything less than the above should be considered a squandering of her talent and promise.

You want one more reason that she will be The Next Great Actress? Nobody really wants to see her naked. I mean, yes, of course we do, but we really don’t. This has always been a quality of famous actresses. Julia, Meg, Sandra, Reese, Jodie, Cameron (especially Ms. Three Day Coke Bender)… none of them are high on the list of “Must See Naked Before I Die” (which used to be topped by Britney Spears, but is now firmly in the corner of Scarlet Johansson). And when we do see one of them (i.e. Meg Ryan in “In The Cut”) the nation of men is collectively mortified and apologetic. It is important for a mega-actress to be so wholesome that we want them to stay pure and incorruptible, but sexy enough that we always hope they get a little wild.

And further, not to make too much of this, but look at that list again, none of them are how you say… voluptuous. And Rachel is no different. She has the body, the chest, the face, the smile, the sexuality and the personality of the type of women that we want to see on screen again and again.

Here’s my recommendation for her next few career moves: Make a geek movie. You want to be an eternally loved movie star? Make a film that every braces-wearing, Star Wars-loving, film school wannabe will love, revere and have a poster of on their walls. Next, do a small, dark comedy like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, get some indie cred and some awards and cement your reputation as the best of your generation. Then follow it up with a good role in a Steven Spielberg movie and then a big whopping studio picture with your face and name on the poster. After you’ve done that, go back to your roots and do an ensemble film, then a romantic comedy. And whatever you do, do not start accepting every film thrown your way. The fact that you have nothing on your current slate speaks to your choosy nature, which I appreciate. Keep that in you, and choose smart movies that further you as a talent, and not as a star commodity. You do those things, and my list above won’t seem so far-fetched, it will seem like small potatoes.

Over the next decade the top female actresses will all, one-by-one, defer to a new Queen. She will be she will be winsome, she will be humble, she will be private, she will be charming, charismatic, funny and nice, she will be Canadian, she will be deserving and she will be successful. Her name is Rachel McAdams, and she is The Next.

Bangarang!


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