EXT. STK RESTAURANT - WEST HOLLYWOOD - DAY

REESE walks out of the restaurant. A nearby paparazzi takes her picture. She glares at him for a moment, her squirrel chin afire with rage.

REESE: Just caught you taking my picture from less then fifteen feet away. You know how that makes my chin and harsh cheekbones look? Bitchy, that’s what. And I am not bitchy, you scurrilous cocksucker. Do you know what the Paparazzi Minimum Perimeter Law is around here?

PAPARAZZI: According to this non-binding legal document from TMZ, fifteen feet.

REESE: Put the camera down, sir.

PAPARAZZI: You’re not gonna hassle me about this. You need the PR. Your last three movies tanked and you’re getting overtaken by Katherine Heigl.

REESE: Sir, put the camera down, please.

PAPARAZZI: I can’t believe you’re gonna stop me from taking your picture. Nobody likes you anymore. You’re dating, by all accounts, a moderately talented, closeted gactor. Your ex is dating a younger, prettier version of you. You looked absurd and disingenuous on Idol Gives Back. And you don’t even have a good movie coming out this year, unless you count the Vince Vaughn holiday picture that’s getting such atrocious buzz.

REESE: Hey! I am an Oscar Winner! And America’s motherfucking Sweetheart! YOU WILL RESPECT MY CELEBRITAH!

PAPARAZZI: Yeah, right. I think I’ll go over to Doughboys and see if I can get a shot of Michelle Monaghan eating a cupcake. She sure is likeable, that Michelle!

REESE kicks him in the shins.

REESE: Don’t you dare take a picture of a nicer, cuter actress!

REESE punches him in the kidneys. Repeatedly.

PAPARAZZI: Hey! You can’t do that! Stop it! I’m telling Harvey Leven!

REESE whips out a baton and beats him within an inch of his life.

REESE: Sweet. I should have just done that to Ryan.

Bangarang!

When you’re a kid and your Mom says not to make faces because they might stay that way, you never want to believe her. You ignore her telling you cracking your knuckles could give you arthritis. You jump right into the pool after lunch, against her wishes. You do your utmost to be stubborn and independent in the face of someone who genuinely cares about your well-being and has more experience in life. You so desperately want them to be wrong, so that you can be right.

And then one day they get it WAY right, and you get it WAY wrong.

When I first started TheJay.com my Mom was worried that making fun of celebrities could negatively affect my writing career in the long-term. “What happens if ten years from now some studio wants you to write a movie for Renee Zellweger and she looks up your blog? All those mean things you write are gonna catch up to you.” Yeah yeah yeah, Ma! Everything I write that isn’t obviously in jest, is backed up by fact. I use a pseudonym, and besides, it’s the Internet, no one cares!

Well… I was wrong. Somebody cares. And it just caught up with me.

My dislike for Reese Witherspoon is well-documented. In fact, you can read about it HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE. Despite really liking her early on in her career, I’ve been one of her biggest detractors. The combination of rampant stories of her bitchiosity, the awful face she makes in the country road scene in Cruel Intentions and the air of superiority that drips off her caused my love for the Squirrel Nut Reese-r to disappear. And all that was left was mockery.

Until now.

I just got a phone call from Leslie Sloane-Zelnik’s office (Reese’s publicist), and was told they had noticed the things I’ve been writing about Reese for the last year and a half. And while Reese can take a joke, and criticism of her work, my post about her child last month went too far. I likened Reese to the Wicked Witch of the West and her daughter Ava as the next of spawn. Apparently Elle Woods didn’t appreciate me going after her kid.

While they have no legal right to take my site down, as the post was a parody and thus protected under the 1st Amendment, it was made clear to me that it was in my best interest to make amends. They informed me that they have my actual name and contact information and would not lose sleep over making sure that Magazine Editors and TV Producers across town knew who I was and what I was writing about. So, in the interest of having any sort of professional writing career, it would behoove me to apologize to Reese. Which is what I am going to do right now.

Reese, I am sorry. I think you are a fine actress with an estimable resume of great films; I have no personal reason to dislike you, as you have done nothing at all to warrant my continued abuse. I admit, your personality rubs me the wrong way, but that is no reason for me to attack, or make fun of, your innocent (and quite adorable) daughter. As of this moment I promise not to write about you with anything less than a respectable and reverential manner. As a token of my regret, please accept this list of 20 Reasons Why I Like You and Your Work. I hope this helps in making things right between you and my website.

20- You are legitimately good in Election. You get bonus points for allowing this line into the script: “Her pussy gets so wet you can’t believe it.”

19- You should be praised simply for saying this line to Ross in your cameo on Friends: “And you, I throw myself at you and you still say no? How gay are you?” Seriously? Thank you for that line.

18- Somewhere in Hollywood, Ryan Phillippe just broke out into a cold sweat. Cause he’s a loser. Hey guy, Way of the Gun wasn’t THAT good! (OK, yeah, it was, and he’s awesome, but shut up, I’m trying here!)

17- Your squirrel chin is totes adores. I’m just jealous cause my chin looks like Gaston’s from Beauty and the Beast, only paler.

16- You kicked Paul Walker in the nuts in Pleasantville. Gotta love that.

15- You had the good grace to let Stephen Dorff kiss you multiple times in S.F.W. and not throw up on screen. It’s a courage many others do not possess.

14- I would bet you were a great comfort and support to Jake after Heath died. He needed that, and it’s nice to know you were there for him. Good on you.

13- You recognized the importance of going topless early in your career to establish a good Mr. Skin following, by doffing your top somewhat gloriously in Twilight. This might actually have been the role model for Katie Holmes’ nude scene in The Gift, now that I think about it. Bonus? Bonus!

12- Getting a 176 on the LSAT in Legally Blonde let me rip my law school-bound friends for not scoring better than you on their LSAT. Any fuel I can add to the “A-Train, yousa a bitch!” fire, is greatly appreciated.

11- You totally pwn Jack Bauer for 90 straight minutes in Freeway. Anyone don’t believe me? Check it (Where in the hell did THIS Reese Witherspoon go? I might not have ever needed to make this list had Freeway Reese stuck around): .

10- American Psycho. Awesome.

9- You chose not to end up with Patrick Dempsey and his smug, smug hair in Sweet Home Alabama. Anyone that sticks it to Dempsey’s Smug Hair is OK in my book (Though you lose points for picking Josh Lucas. Really, that guy? Could you not afford McConaughey?).

8- You turned down the lead role in Scream, which gave rise to the brunette Neve Campbell, which then subsequently gave onto this world the wonderment that is Anna Faris in Scary Movie, who is awesome in ways that cannot yet be determined by man, but the one they have figured out is that she SAVED Lost In Translation by showing us the horrible slash fantastic truth about Cameron Diaz. That was a long and windy road we just traveled, but the journey was definitely worth it for the final destination.

7- I mean, have you SEEN Just Like Heaven? A perfect romdram if there ever was one.

6- Don’t worry, I think Vince Vaughn is an unprofessional jackass, too!

5- Bravely risked your life kissing Mark Wahlberg in Fear. You could have very easily been swallowed whole. It was a big risk for a young actress. My hat is off to you.

4- You can rock a mean set of bangs. Not an easy task let me tell you. Rachel Bilson, you hear me, right?

3- The stories of you being a mega-bitch to so many people in the business? Probably just lies, made up by people who are jealous (like that vengeful Vince Vaughn)! I blame the interwebs!

2- Don’t tell anyone this, but I used to think you were crazy hot. Pre-approved hot. Lock my door at night hot. Especially in Cruel Intentions. Especially when you make that evil devil face in the country road scene.

1- April Fools, bitches!

I apologize for nothing! The hate continues!!!

Bangarang!

Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.

On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.

And who I am to say she’s wrong?

In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…

Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.

Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)

Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.

President Clinton: Six words - “The royal penis is clean, sire.”

Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.

Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:

• Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.

Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…

Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!

Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.

Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.

Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.

Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!

Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.

Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard

Bangarang!

Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of spears! Come little one, and I will show you how to make this city bow at your feet!!! I have conquered B-list male boytoys and swindled an Oscar, but now that we have survived our homeland freezing over, my power will be the greatest in Hollywood! Bad box office and critical drubbing for my terrible war movie aside, I’m still great enough to conquer every It-girl thrown my way.

And woe to those who try and stop me. Why my little party’s just beginning.

Somewhere over the 405

Way up on the Sepulveda Pass

There’s a land that I heard of

Once in an US Weekly…

Somewhere over the 405

Skies are less smoggy

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true

Some day I’ll be a movie star

And wake up where the JJ Abrams TV shows with bad ratings are FAR behind me

Where CAA agents melt like lemondrops

Away above the movie studio tops

That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the 405

Academy Awards fly

Ellen Page got a nomination

Why then, oh why didn’t I?

Oh my adorable, precious Violet, the only person who might know would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oscar himself!

“Pay no attention to the Affleck behind the curtain.”

“I’ll get you, my pretty… and your little Violet, too! Heheheheheheheheheheh!”

Bangarang!

So we can dispense with that notion right now.

Today, the LA Times posted an obnoxious, poorly-thought out piece on Box Office Sorority Sisters, claiming that with the moderate opening weekend success of 27 Dresses, Katherine Heigl had officially joined the elusive ranks of women who can open a movie on their own. This, as I stated before, is complete shenanigans.

There are sooo many reasons why 27 Dresses opened to nearly $30 Million over the 4-day MLK weekend. Just off the top of my head…

• The ad campaign that focused on the movie being from the writer of The Devil Wears Prada.

• The involvement of the far more awesome James Marsden.

• A relatable premise (no girl likes to be a bridesmaid).

• The fact that there hasn’t been a straight-up romcom in theaters in nearly a year.

• The face that there is NOTHING else for women to see in theaters right now.

• Men owed their girlfriends and wives a chick flick after subjecting them to four months of football watching.

• Like me, people were going to the movie solely for the purpose of making fun of Katherine Heigl.

And I’d like to point out that 27 Dresses has a 37% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Not exactly the stuff of romcom glory (Juno, in comparison, is at 93% freshness).

So why do we all of a sudden think she’s a movie star? She wasn’t more than a piece of lawn furniture in Knocked Up. I’ve gone on record as saying she was the problem of the movie. Her “prettiness”, or what have you, completely derailed the plot; there was just no way that a girl like her would actively choose to stay with a guy like Seth Rogen. Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten a shmashmortion, but she wouldn’t have dated the guy. Also, the movie was overrated, and I could have done without the three close-ups of the crowning stunt vag.

Adding to this the fact that Heigl is currently KILLING Grey’s Anatomy. Her George-Izzie storyline single-handedly destroyed the watchability of last season and, barring the writer’s strike, would have probably side-tracked the current one. She’s the most grating, self-involved, smug, witless character on the show, and I LOATHE the Pompeo. Patrick Dempsey’s hair is even all “Cool it with the smugness, lady. You’re not that cute! Now where did my Personal Coif Attendant go?”

So where are her star credentials?

Are we going all the way back to her classic work in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, where she disappointed every male viewer by not following in the hallowed footsteps of Erika Eleniak’s gorgeous “popping out of a cake” tittyballs? Or the time when her brief thong flash in My Father, The Hero caused a 13 year-old The Jay to grudgingly sit through a Gerard Depardieu movie because there was no such thing as You Tube back in the day?

The fact is she’s only been likeable or even interesting twice in her entire career. First when she posed topless for a Maxim spread, back when that magazine meant something; and second, her strip foosball scene in 100 Girls, which led her character to mack down with pre-approved hottie Larisa Oleynick. That’s it. Those are the two moments. Everything else she has ever done is forgettable and worthless.

Moreover, opening a romantic comedy in January hardly warrants comparisons to Julia, Reese and Sandra. There have been plenty of It Girls who opened a romcom and were never a contender again. For example:

• Julia Stiles opened Save the Last Dance in January of 2001 to the same amount of money as 27 Dresses (more if you amend for inflation), and she can barely open regional theatre these days. She was the second lead of one of the biggest movies of 2007, does anyone even care if she’s breathing right now?

• Kate Hudson opened How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days to a cool $100 mil, but her combined B.O. grosses for The Skeleton Key, Raising Helen and Alex & Emma (in total: $26 dollars) seem to point to McConaughey being the key to the success. That’s why Fool’s Gold is gonna make a mint. People want to see his abs, not hers. God bless evolution.

• Lindsay Lohan opened Mean Girls and look what happened to her movie career. The drugs and the whoring and the Hilton did her in, but the godawful movies were the coffin she laid to rest in (unless someone out there thinks I Know Who Killed Me was a positive step in her career).

The fact of the matter is that there are very few women who can truly open a movie. This is the list:

• Julia Roberts

• Jodie Foster

That’s it. Everyone else has qualifiers to their successful openers (most of the time it’s due to their male co-stars). Let’s go down the list of the women the LA Times believes are in the “Omega Mega Bucks” sorority (cause THAT’s not setting women back a decade).

Julia Roberts: Pretty much retired. And she has nothing to prove anymore. When she puts out a movie, it’s an event, period.

Reese Witherspoon: Can’t open a movie. Legally Blonde was years ago, the sequel was diminished returns, Just Like Heaven tanked, Walk the Line was Oscar bait, Rendition bombed even with her on-set romance pub, and her current movie, Penelope, has been on the shelf for two years cause nobody thinks it’ll do any business. She’s a big star, but call me when her name and face open a sub-par dramedy above $13 mil.

Cameron Diaz: Aside from being successful at always looking like she just woke up from a three day coke bender, her movies haven’t done jack since before Tom Cruise went batshit crazy (can you even remember that far back?). Also, you’re not an opener when you’re doing romcoms with Ashton Kutcher called “What Happens In Vegas”. That’s just me being real with you.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Can’t open an equestrian show. Failure To Launch was the same as How To Lose A Guy…, the presence of Matthew McConaughey and a V-Day Release Date. Sex and the City will open big, but that’s a brand. Would you really see her in a movie if her co-star wasn’t Wooderson or the Sex girls? Me neither.

Drew Barrymore: If you’re goal is $50 million domestic, then Josie Grosie is your girl. But you gotta pair her with a cute boy to get it. Ever After was a loooong time ago.

Rachel McAdams: Can definitely open a movie… if she ever decides to make another one. Also, if she had starred in 27 Dresses, it would have beaten Cloverfield, and I would have already seen it twice. Warrants mentioning…

Jennifer Aniston: Please! Along Came Polly was Ben Stiller’s flick. The Break Up was sold on Vince Vaughn. Bruce Almighty was Jim Carrey’s show. HER movies, Derailed & Friends With Money, tanked. I watched her for free for ten years, why would I ever pay to see her doing anything onscreen (showing her boobies boobies boobies, notwithstanding)?

Angelina Jolie: Not without Brad Pitt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Not without George Clooney.

Halle Berry: Not without showing her tits.

Renee Zellweger: Not without Bitchface removal surgery. Or a British accent.

Kirsten Dunst: Not without Spider-Man. (Or her being executed on-screen.)

Orlando Bloom: Not technically a chick, but does have a lovely vag, I’m told. No matter, can’t open anything without Johnny Depp, anyway.

It takes years and multiple hits for a woman to attain true movie-opening power. Jodie opened Flightplan, a movie so bad that Jodie Foster would rather admit she scissors her life partner than talk about that flick. Could Heigl open a Flightplan? I think not.

Consider Katherine Heigl’s personality and persona for a minute. Would you really go see her next movie if it wasn’t released in January, where your options are her or a vomit-inducing monster flick that’s sold out? No, you wouldn’t. She’s not opening a dark drama without a bigger male star, or an in-jeopardy thriller (not if Ashley Judd has anything to say about it), the two other genres women tend to do well in. I wouldn’t buy her in a Sci-Fi blockbuster. And there’s eight-trillion other hotties I’d rather see in a Bruckheimer style action flick (Megan Fox, for starters). So what does that leave her? Romcoms? How many more of these are you gonna buy her in? One, two tops? She should ask Mandy Moore or J.Lo what that career path looks like.

The bottom line is that she got lucky with this one. It won’t happen again. So we, and especially the LA Times, needs to cool it with the STAR IS BORN talk. I can’t be convinced to think of Scarlet Johansson as a true movie star and her T&A is faaaar better than Heigl’s. Also, ScarJo never emasculated George O’Malley, ruined his marriage to Callie, and forced me to pray for more Pompeo screentime. Sigh…

Fucking Izzie Stevens!

Bangarang!