Michael Vick wants to be a Carolina Panther. Fine, whatever. Obama has a clean bill of health. Good, good, reminds to rewatch Dave for the 47th time. The Olympic ratings were up. Terrible coverage, but good for NBC. Let’s see what the celebs are up to…

Leighton Meester doesn’t believe in marriage. Boring. Logan Lerman to be the new Spider-Man. Duh, knew that weeks ago. Shannen Doherty doing Dancing with the Stars for her father. But who are her asymmetrical eyebrows doing it for? Hmm, what’s this link? “Blonde Beauties Captivate At Vera Wang Event” That looks interesting…

/clicks link

Oh no.

OH GOD!

Reese and Renee… together.

It’s all coming true… just like it was foretold.

We’re headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes… The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

Everyone just be calm. We all knew this day would come. To your celebrity bombshelters! Good thing I recently stocked up on Diet Ginger Ale, Entertainment Weekly back issues and an 80-hour TiVo filled to the brim with old episodes of Will & Grace!

See y’all in 35 years, when the bitchface radiation cloud clears… somebody please remember to tape Cougar Town for me.

Bangarang!

When the Wicked Witch of West Hollywood unhinges her jaw like that, she’s not about to be super nice to you, she’s arming her primary weapon.

This is what Jake Gyllenhaal sees when the doors are locked. In a completely heterosexual way, I weep for his penis.

Bangarang!

If you look directly at it, your face will melt.

If you stare at it for ten seconds a ring will appear. You now have seven days to live.

If you see it in a Haunted House, it’s already too late.

If you say her name five times, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde will suddenly appear on all your cable movie channels.

If you are frightened, watch a Nightmare on Elm Street movie, it’ll calm you down. Freddy Krueger is Mary Poppins in comparison.

If you think it’s cute, never read this site again.

Happy Halloween, kids.

PS: This is the second scariest:

I weep for Josh(ua) Kelley. (But not so much for Jake Gyllenhaal. He brought that shit on himself.)

Bangarang!

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

- Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

- Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

- Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

- Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

- SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

- Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

- Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

- Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

- Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

- Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

- Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

- Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

- And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

WOOOHOOOO!!!

FUCKIN WOOOOOO, BAAAAAYBEEEEE!

I feel like such a MAN right now! Like I could wear socks with my sandals and nobody would give me shit. Cause if they did, I’d cut them with my man-sword. And I don’t even mean my penis this time!

I wonder if I can get this hat in beige?

Riding this hard, tough, hot stallion is the best! It’s a good thing Reese is tighter than a five pound kettle drum, or I’d be having second, third and foursies thoughts about Zoo-ing up this bitch!

My crotch feels electric pinned against this leather saddle. Like climbing the rope in gym class, but multipled by a factor of rainbows. Oh boy, this must be what being a Power Top feels like! If only that was in my character. Le sigh…

I love running my hands through mah steed’s lush mane. It reminds me of that one night Matty McCons was on the right side of the bi-line and I bongoed my own little Brokeback sequel… nah what I mean, brah? Hand spit, like a mofo! (R.I.P. Heath!)

That reminds me… I should have my agent set up lunch with Owen Wilson. I would definitely be WOOOING if I got to ride The Butterscotch Stallion. That Butterscotch Stallion is so hot right now. Butterscotch Stallion.

Neeeeigh!

This must be what Matthew Broderick feels like every night!

Bangarang!

EXT. STK RESTAURANT – WEST HOLLYWOOD – DAY

REESE walks out of the restaurant. A nearby paparazzi takes her picture. She glares at him for a moment, her squirrel chin afire with rage.

REESE: Just caught you taking my picture from less then fifteen feet away. You know how that makes my chin and harsh cheekbones look? Bitchy, that’s what. And I am not bitchy, you scurrilous cocksucker. Do you know what the Paparazzi Minimum Perimeter Law is around here?

PAPARAZZI: According to this non-binding legal document from TMZ, fifteen feet.

REESE: Put the camera down, sir.

PAPARAZZI: You’re not gonna hassle me about this. You need the PR. Your last three movies tanked and you’re getting overtaken by Katherine Heigl.

REESE: Sir, put the camera down, please.

PAPARAZZI: I can’t believe you’re gonna stop me from taking your picture. Nobody likes you anymore. You’re dating, by all accounts, a moderately talented, closeted gactor. Your ex is dating a younger, prettier version of you. You looked absurd and disingenuous on Idol Gives Back. And you don’t even have a good movie coming out this year, unless you count the Vince Vaughn holiday picture that’s getting such atrocious buzz.

REESE: Hey! I am an Oscar Winner! And America’s motherfucking Sweetheart! YOU WILL RESPECT MY CELEBRITAH!

PAPARAZZI: Yeah, right. I think I’ll go over to Doughboys and see if I can get a shot of Michelle Monaghan eating a cupcake. She sure is likeable, that Michelle!

REESE kicks him in the shins.

REESE: Don’t you dare take a picture of a nicer, cuter actress!

REESE punches him in the kidneys. Repeatedly.

PAPARAZZI: Hey! You can’t do that! Stop it! I’m telling Harvey Leven!

REESE whips out a baton and beats him within an inch of his life.

REESE: Sweet. I should have just done that to Ryan.

Bangarang!

And then one day they get it WAY right, and you get it WAY wrong.

When I first started TheJay.com my Mom was worried that making fun of celebrities could negatively affect my writing career in the long-term. “What happens if ten years from now some studio wants you to write a movie for Renee Zellweger and she looks up your blog? All those mean things you write are gonna catch up to you.” Yeah yeah yeah, Ma! Everything I write that isn’t obviously in jest, is backed up by fact. I use a pseudonym, and besides, it’s the Internet, no one cares!

Well… I was wrong. Somebody cares. And it just caught up with me.

My dislike for Reese Witherspoon is well-documented. In fact, you can read about it HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE. Despite really liking her early on in her career, I’ve been one of her biggest detractors. The combination of rampant stories of her bitchiosity, the awful face she makes in the country road scene in Cruel Intentions and the air of superiority that drips off her caused my love for the Squirrel Nut Reese-r to disappear. And all that was left was mockery.

Until now.

I just got a phone call from Leslie Sloane-Zelnik’s office (Reese’s publicist), and was told they had noticed the things I’ve been writing about Reese for the last year and a half. And while Reese can take a joke, and criticism of her work, my post about her child last month went too far. I likened Reese to the Wicked Witch of the West and her daughter Ava as the next of spawn. Apparently Elle Woods didn’t appreciate me going after her kid.

While they have no legal right to take my site down, as the post was a parody and thus protected under the 1st Amendment, it was made clear to me that it was in my best interest to make amends. They informed me that they have my actual name and contact information and would not lose sleep over making sure that Magazine Editors and TV Producers across town knew who I was and what I was writing about. So, in the interest of having any sort of professional writing career, it would behoove me to apologize to Reese. Which is what I am going to do right now.

Reese, I am sorry. I think you are a fine actress with an estimable resume of great films; I have no personal reason to dislike you, as you have done nothing at all to warrant my continued abuse. I admit, your personality rubs me the wrong way, but that is no reason for me to attack, or make fun of, your innocent (and quite adorable) daughter. As of this moment I promise not to write about you with anything less than a respectable and reverential manner. As a token of my regret, please accept this list of 20 Reasons Why I Like You and Your Work. I hope this helps in making things right between you and my website.

20- You are legitimately good in Election. You get bonus points for allowing this line into the script: “Her pussy gets so wet you can’t believe it.”

19- You should be praised simply for saying this line to Ross in your cameo on Friends: “And you, I throw myself at you and you still say no? How gay are *you*?” Seriously? Thank you for that line.

18- Somewhere in Hollywood, Ryan Phillippe just broke out into a cold sweat. Cause he’s a loser. Hey guy, Way of the Gun wasn’t THAT good! (OK, yeah, it was, and he’s awesome, but shut up, I’m trying here!)

17- Your squirrel chin is totes adores. I’m just jealous cause my chin looks like Gaston’s from Beauty and the Beast, only paler.

16- You kicked Paul Walker in the nuts in Pleasantville. Gotta love that.

15- You had the good grace to let Stephen Dorff kiss you multiple times in S.F.W. and not throw up on screen. It’s a courage many others do not possess.

14- I would bet you were a great comfort and support to Jake after Heath died. He needed that, and it’s nice to know you were there for him. Good on you.

13- You recognized the importance of going topless early in your career to establish a good Mr. Skin following, by doffing your top somewhat gloriously in Twilight. This might actually have been the role model for Katie Holmes’ nude scene in The Gift, now that I think about it. Bonus? Bonus!

12- Getting a 176 on the LSAT in Legally Blonde let me rip my law school-bound friends for not scoring better than you on their LSAT. Any fuel I can add to the “A-Train, yousa a bitch!” fire, is greatly appreciated.

11- You totally pwn Jack Bauer for 90 straight minutes in Freeway. Anyone don’t believe me? Check it (Where in the hell did THIS Reese Witherspoon go? I might not have ever needed to make this list had Freeway Reese stuck around): .

10- American Psycho. Awesome.

9- You chose not to end up with Patrick Dempsey and his smug, smug hair in Sweet Home Alabama. Anyone that sticks it to Dempsey’s Smug Hair is OK in my book (Though you lose points for picking Josh Lucas. Really, that guy? Could you not afford McConaughey?).

8- You turned down the lead role in Scream, which gave rise to the brunette Neve Campbell, which then subsequently gave onto this world the wonderment that is Anna Faris in Scary Movie, who is awesome in ways that cannot yet be determined by man, but the one they have figured out is that she SAVED Lost In Translation by showing us the horrible slash fantastic truth about Cameron Diaz. That was a long and windy road we just traveled, but the journey was definitely worth it for the final destination.

7- I mean, have you SEEN Just Like Heaven? A perfect romdram if there ever was one.

6- Don’t worry, I think Vince Vaughn is an unprofessional jackass, too!

5- Bravely risked your life kissing Mark Wahlberg in Fear. You could have very easily been swallowed whole. It was a big risk for a young actress. My hat is off to you.

4- You can rock a mean set of bangs. Not an easy task let me tell you. Rachel Bilson, you hear me, right?

3- The stories of you being a mega-bitch to so many people in the business? Probably just lies, made up by people who are jealous (like that vengeful Vince Vaughn)! I blame the interwebs!

2- Don’t tell anyone this, but I used to think you were crazy hot. Pre-approved hot. Lock my door at night hot. Especially in Cruel Intentions. Especially when you make that evil devil face in the country road scene.

1- April Fools, bitches!

I apologize for nothing! The hate continues!!!

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)