Ah, a new day! Got a good night’s rest, blogged about Idol, got frustrated over LOST, I am ready to take on this Wednesday. Time to fire up the old lap top, and see what’s going on in the world…
Michael Vick wants to be a Carolina Panther. Fine, whatever. Obama has a clean bill of health. Good, good, reminds to rewatch Dave for the 47th time. The Olympic ratings were up. Terrible coverage, but good for NBC. Let’s see what the celebs are up to…
Leighton Meester doesn’t believe in marriage. Boring. Logan Lerman to be the new Spider-Man. Duh, knew that weeks ago. Shannen Doherty doing Dancing with the Stars for her father. But who are her asymmetrical eyebrows doing it for? Hmm, what’s this link? “Blonde Beauties Captivate At Vera Wang Event” That looks interesting…
/clicks link
Oh no.
OH GOD!
Reese and Renee… together.
It’s all coming true… just like it was foretold.
We’re headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes… The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
Everyone just be calm. We all knew this day would come. To your celebrity bombshelters! Good thing I recently stocked up on Diet Ginger Ale, Entertainment Weekly back issues and an 80-hour TiVo filled to the brim with old episodes of Will & Grace!
See y’all in 35 years, when the bitchface radiation cloud clears… somebody please remember to tape Cougar Town for me.
Bangarang!
Are the smart kids at Harvard just confused, or are they running out of nominees the way Lipton is running out of guests on Inside the Actor’s Studio (Christian Slater, really? I love Pump up the Volume as much as the next guy, but c’mon! What classic performances of his are they gonna discuss, his career-defining work in Kuffs?)? Because I just don’t understand 
FOOB!
What is that?
My power is more powerful than your power.
My funny is funnier.
I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch
My whoa is better than your whoa.
L-I-V-I-N!
My manly is more manly than your manly.
My talent is funnsmartandgreat.
I’m already my prepping my next reality show.
My TV show is more confusing.
I’m hotter.
I’m more annoying.
Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.
My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.
Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.
My jiggy smells like baby wipes.
My better.
My better.
Is better than your better.
My better is better than your better.
Thank you very much for coming.
Looking pretty in Hollywood isn’t hard to do. Every celebrity does the same things: eat right, exercise often, get their hair done by professionals, use make-up that matches, highlights and improves their skin, kill babies and suck their blood. It’s standard stuff. But STAYING pretty in Hollywood? Not an easy task. Some celebrities will do almost anything to maintain their looks.
Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.
Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.
