Michael Vick wants to be a Carolina Panther. Fine, whatever. Obama has a clean bill of health. Good, good, reminds to rewatch Dave for the 47th time. The Olympic ratings were up. Terrible coverage, but good for NBC. Let’s see what the celebs are up to…

Leighton Meester doesn’t believe in marriage. Boring. Logan Lerman to be the new Spider-Man. Duh, knew that weeks ago. Shannen Doherty doing Dancing with the Stars for her father. But who are her asymmetrical eyebrows doing it for? Hmm, what’s this link? “Blonde Beauties Captivate At Vera Wang Event” That looks interesting…

/clicks link

Oh no.

OH GOD!

Reese and Renee… together.

It’s all coming true… just like it was foretold.

We’re headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes… The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

Everyone just be calm. We all knew this day would come. To your celebrity bombshelters! Good thing I recently stocked up on Diet Ginger Ale, Entertainment Weekly back issues and an 80-hour TiVo filled to the brim with old episodes of Will & Grace!

See y’all in 35 years, when the bitchface radiation cloud clears… somebody please remember to tape Cougar Town for me.

Bangarang!

- hilarious failed, fraudy marriage to Kenny Chesney
- Bee Movie
- End of list.

Is this a pre-emptive thank you for New In Town? Cause that movie chunked blows. If Harvard is gonna use their celebrated Hasty Pudding award as a PR conduit for a January flick, may I suggest Liam Neeson in Taken. The man saved the Jews AND Maggie Grace, I’m thinking he might be a squinch more deserving than the female lead in Leatherheads.

So what’s the reason, then? She can’t possibly still be trading on her ludicrous Oscar win.

Is it for her generous ongoing charity work for the Fashion Police section of US Weekly? Are we congratulating her on successfully ruining her dramatic film career? Is it possible Empire Records is finally getting is proper recognition?

I guess I just don’t understand celebrating an actress that zero popularity, zero fashion sense, zero tabloid or commercial heat, and, uh, hello, has HIT. THE. WALL.

I mean, what, was Kate Hudson too busy to accept this thing? Get it together, HARVARD.

Bangarang!

What is that?

It’s the opposite of BOOF!

So… not good?

Uh, no.

I know what you’re going to say…

Renee, I mean… what happened?

You know.

I don’t. I can’t conceive of it.

I was never doing THAT well.

Yeah, but still…

I know…

So. It has happened.

Don’t do this. Please, The Jay!

I have to. I must.

Say it.

You’ve hit the wall.

Are you afraid?

So much.

Can I come back?

There ain’t no coming back from that.

Britney did.

Honey, you are not her.

Fine, break my heart, I expect you to.

I’m sorry, Renee. Truly.

Me too. Me too…

Bangarang!

Watch the video before you read on!

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My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

On The Late Show with David Letterman the other day, Demi Moore revealed that she uses leeches as a beauty regimen. She claims it’s the secret to looking glamorous at 61 45. I claim someone’s been watching Speed 2: Cruise Control a bit too much on TNT (Seriously Demi, Willem Dafoe is no one’s beauty maven). I guess she feels that in addition to rampant facial reconstruction, weekly botox injections, massive plastic surgery across her body and sucking the lifeblood out of a twenty year old himbo actor, she must let leeches suck her blood to stay beautiful.

And who I am to say she’s wrong?

In light of Demi’s recent health revelation, many stars have come out of the woodwork to reveal their personal beauty regimens. And for some, it’s not pretty. Take a look…

Renee Zellweger: Has a heavyweight boxer break up her face each and every day to ensure maximum scrunchiness.

Matthew McConaughey: Doesn’t need to do anything, cause he’s L-I-V-I-N! (Though the weed and the sports and the banging models helps, too.)

Lindsay Lohan: Each week, buys 100 packs of Crayola markers, then throws them all out but the orange ones. Using all 100 markers at once, she colors her tan in. You know, just to get a base.

President Clinton: Six words – “The royal penis is clean, sire.”

Ryan Seacrest: Before every Tuesday edition of American Idol, takes the Concorde to Tibet, scales the tallest mountain, sneaks into a hidden room of a monastery and gives a glory hole beej to the Dalai Lama. Claims it gives him that “just gayed by a spiritual deity” feeling that helps him devise the clever bon mots he uses against Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell: Is secretly the guy glory holing Ryan Seacrest. Claims it gives him that “just secretly ram-gayed a network TV gameshow host” feeling he uses to look so smug in that judges chair.

Ryan Reynolds: Drinks a can of Powerthirst every morning to keep up his ridonkulous physique. His flavor of choice: RAWBERRY. It gives him gratuitous amounts of energy (ENERGY!). Don’t know what Powerthirst is? Peep the video:

- Side note: Ryan Reynolds actually has 400 babies. They’re currently undergoing marathon training in Kenya. In the year 2019, Ryan Reynolds’ children will take places 1-400 in every marathon on the planet. And they will all be snarky.

Reese Witherspoon: Does nothing. Being the spawn of Satan has its perks. Just what I heard…

Prince: Hustles unsuspecting D-list celebrities in pick-up basketball games. Afterwards, he cooks them pancakes. Game, blouses!

Hilary Swank: Men don’t need a beauty regimen, they’re fine just the way they are.

Jessica Biel: To maintain her perfectly over-sized posterior, she literally keeps junk in her trunk. Nothing big, just, you know, some crackers, a game of jacks, her 3rd place Archery ribbon from summer camp, Scattegories, lip balm, some old Nintendo cartridges (if you’re lucky, she’ll let you blow on them), stuff like that.

Kristen Bell: In order to remain extraordinarily cute, buys a new golden retriever puppy every 3 months just to rub it on her face before bed. The puppies are single use and she donates them to poor children once they’ve properly cutified her face. Sadly, the puppies are 72% less cute when she’s done with them, but don’t worry, they’re still good enough for poor kids.

Mario Lopez: You know those pills that Jesse was taking on the very special episode of Saved By The Bell? The ones that made her so excited, so excited, so… scared? Mario takes them to make his abs feel so excited, so excited, so… crunchy!

Megan Fox: Who knows, but whatever she’s doing, it’s working.

Ashton Kutcher: He’s Demi’s real leech! As Demi gets older, he gets younger. It’s the perfect crime! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! /twirls lame hipster beard

Bangarang!

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

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Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

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Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

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Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

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Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

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Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

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Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

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Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

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Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

The Scene: The Jay’s Oscar Party

The Players: The Jay, Random Guests, Renee Zellweger’s BitchFace.

INT. THE JAY’S APT – OSCAR NIGHT

Red Carpet coverage of the 2008 Oscars is in full swing, and so is the party. Random pretty people mill about, drinking wine and dishing about celeb gossip.

“Did you hear Colin Firth ask if way-dead Adrienne Shelley was in the house at the Spirits?”

“That Wanker Darcy!”

The Jay is hosting like a champion, workin’ the room, making sure everyone is having a good time.

Hot Chick At Party: Do you have any Excedrin or extra-strength Tylenol?

The Jay: Gee, I think all I got is acetylsalicylic acid, generic. See, I can get six hundred tablets of that for the same price as three hundred of a name brand. That makes good financial sense, good advice…

/The Jay brings a platter of meat into the living room

The Jay: Hey, this is real smoked salmon from Nova Scotia, Canada, $24.95 a pound! It only cost me $14.12 after tax, though.

/The Jay walks up to a random guest, speaks sotto voce

The Jay: I’m givin’ this whole thing as a promotional expense, that’s why I invited clients instead of friends. You havin’ a good time, Mark?

/The Jay heads across the room, greeting other guests

The Jay: How you doing? Why don’t you have some of the brie, it’s at room temperature! You think it’s too warm in here for the brie?

Tall Woman at Party: The Jay, I’m going home.

The Jay: Aw, don’t leave yet. Well, listen, maybe if we start dancing other people will join in!

Tall Woman at Party: Okay!

/The Jay and the Tall Woman dance. It’s hot.

The doorbell rings.

The Jay: Oh, don’t move, I just gotta get the door. Ted! Annette! I’m glad you could come, how you doin’, give me your coats. Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming! Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership; Annette’s drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago! They got fifteen thousand left on the house at eight percent.

/The Jay throws the guests’ coats in the closet, oblivious that Renee Zellweger is being interviewed on the Red Carpet.

The Jay: So, does anybody wanna play Parcheesi?

Something odd appears on the TV.

The Jay: (grinning) Okay, who brought the BitchFace?

Bangarang!