Renee Zellweger

Sean Connery “Considers” Indy 4 and other Celebrity Considerations

Jan 22nd, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
6 comments

sean connery and harrison ford in indiana jones and the last crusade

Russian-accent specialist and world renowned “guy who kicks ass”, Sean Connery, did an interview with Scotland on Sunday and reportedly told the rag that he is “considering” returning as Dr. Henry Jones Sr. in the “upcoming” Indiana Jones 4. His exact words were:

“At the moment there’s nothing decided. I haven’t got the script. Everything depends on the script.”

You have to admire that type of indecision.

This latest bit of celebrity career waffling has led to a string of other celebrity “considerations”. TheJay.com has catalogued them for your reading pleasure.

- Paula Abdul is “considering” switching from Long Island Ice Tea’s to the more subdued Green Appletini. The Idol host is awaiting test results on her allergy to being “more sober” before for making a decision.

- John Travolta “considered” turning down a role in the upcoming crapfest Wild Hogs, then realized “Hey, I’m the star of Be Cool and Lucky Numbers. Mediocre studio comedies are what I do”, and quickly accepted the part.

- Lindsay Lohan had been “considering” going to rehab for some time, but only decided to do it when her coke dealer, Sir Smoke-A-Lot, ended his bi-annual 30%-off sale. A source from La Lohan’s camp tells TheJay.com that the “actress” will be released in time to partake in Sir Smoke-A-Lot’s upcoming President’s Day sale.

- Aaron Sorkin is “considering” writing a clever, actually funny, non-patronizing episode of his middling NBC drama Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The wunderkind writer released this comment: “I’m sorry the episodes haven’t been funny to all you reality show loving pea-brains, but I’m too busy to write an intelligent and clever non-crappy episode. After all, MY BROTHER IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AFGHANISTAN!”

- Tombstone star Val Kilmer is reportedly “considering” doing a sequel to the insanely awesome 80’s comedy Real Genius. (Ed note: This one is real, I don’t have a joke here; I just wanted to bring this atrocity to your attention. Can someone please stop this? And I mean now!)

- Last week, Reese Witherspoon “considered” stopping her work as the devil’s apprentice, but was later informed that her contract with Satan runs through 2014 and quickly returned to her evil-making duties. In a related consideration, Ryan Philippe is apparently “considering” doing gay porn. He would of course be the bottom.

- George Lucas is “considering” releasing a Special Edition of Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace. Early research indicates that no one cares.

- Grey’s Anatomy bigot Isaiah Washington is “considering” playing a gay man in an upcoming movie to help improve his tarnished image. In a related consideration, unfairly outed Grey’s co-star T.R. Knight is “considering” a guest star role on CSI so he can bone up on ways to kill a man and not get caught.

- Nice guy actor Will Smith is “considering” playing a villain in an upcoming movie. The Pursuit of Happyness star told reporters: “I want to play a new kind of bad guy; a modern villain. Like he helps an old lady cross the street, but doesn’t give her five dollars for cab fare. He only donates to three charities instead of ten. He litters occasionally. You know, like a really hateful guy.”

- Renee Zellweger is “considering” opening her eyes in public, but recent negotiations have resulted in a standstill.

Any updates on these stories will be posted as they come. But don’t hold your breath.

Bangarang!

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Things Overheard on the Golden Globes Red Carpet

Jan 17th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
6 comments

brangelina reese witherspoon and ben affleck and jennifer garner

All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of the stars. Let’s see out what they had to say.

Sacha Baron Cohen: I swear to G-d I will knife the first sodded person who asks for a high five. Speaking of, where’s that Ryan Seacrest chap.

Patrick Dempsey: How’s my hair?

Jennifer Hudson: And I am telling you… suck my left tit, Bitch-once! American Idol, represent!

Evangeline Lilly: I am so glad I left the hobbit back on the island. Now where’s that McDreamy guy?

renee zellweger golden globesRenee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.

Isaiah Washington: My agent says I need a nicer name for “faggot”, cause all that faggot talk is bad for my nice guy image. So what’s better? Cocksucker? Nah. Dick Licker? Too literal. Pussy Hater? Too negative. Purple-headed Nob Slobber? Yeah, that’s the one. I did not call that faggot T.R. a Purple-Headed Nob Slobber. But I did call Dempsey a pansy. Next question!

George Clooney: Alright Timberlake, here’s the game. First to five starlets wins. And I’ll even give you a two limoncello head start. Ready? Go!

Justin Timberlake: Guess who’s having sex with anyone he wants tonight? This guy!

Cameron Diaz: Cry me a river… cry me a river. Cry me a river, yeah.

Zach Braff: Dammit, I forgot to put on my anti-douche cream. Now I’ll never be able to make out with Jessica Alba and then whine about it on my blog tomorrow. My life sucks. (Cue pompous indie rock song)

Jack Nicholson: What year is it? Seriously, I have no idea. These things all look the same. Maybe I should take my sunglasses off. On second thought, screw that, I’m Jack. I can do whatever I want. And you know what? I’m nailing that Swank person tonight. Is she a boy? Is she a girl? What I’m saying is this: when you’re facing some free ass, what’s the difference?

Geena Davis: Has anyone seen my career? I think I dropped it. It’s about six feet tall, a hundred and forty pounds, used to be the President? Anybody? Please.

Dame Helen Mirren: Oh Streep, I finally have the better of you. Long live the Queen, bitch!

salma hayek zach braff ali larter

Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the awards shows in the world. Which is probably why I didn’t get nominated. Oh hey Salma! Say, your sugartits are looking real nice tonight!

Salma Hayek: If you like my Sugar Tits, you should see my Ugly Betty.

Ben Affleck: The name’s Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. I believe you’ll find I’m on the list. (grins stupidly)

Masi Oka: Golden Globes! Yatta!

The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!

Reese Witherspoon: I hope Ryan’s watching. I didn’t work out eight times a week, cut sugar, salt, bread and water from my diet and spray on my human face just to get hit on by Warren Beatty when Annette’s in the bathroom.

Sienna Miller: I am such a train wreck.

Ali Larter: Don’t look at me. My shit’s bangin’ and my show rules! Love and kisses to Jude. Oh wait, forget that…

patrick dempsey mcdreamyPatrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?

Tom Hanks: It looks great. Trust me, I would know.

Patrick Dempsey: I need a mirror! Stat!

Eddie Murphy: Finally, I’m more popular than Charlie. I’m Eddie Murphy, bitch. The Darkness has arrived!

Angelina Jolie: You get one hour Brad, then it’s back to Cambodia. I mean it. The orphaned babies need me.

Brad Pitt: Fine! Can I go play with George now? Pleeeeease?

Angelina Jolie: I miss Billy Bob.

Hugh Grant: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Julianne Moore and Julia Roberts and now I’m trying convincing the world I want to shag Drew Barrymore. Where did it all go wrong?

Drew Barrymore: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Chris O’Donnell and Adam Sandler and now I get to bone Hugh Grant! I must have don’t something right.

Jennifer Lopez: I am still relevant! I’m the face of Latin Entertainment.

America Ferrarra: Sure you are sweetie. Sure you are.

Meryl Streep: Put my Globe in the car, fetch me a martini and get Gyllenhaal boy’s phone number. That’s all.

Hillary Swank: Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And I’m still single. Line it up, boys! Oh, hi Jack! Nice to see you, too…

Bangarang!

The 10 Most Unwatchable Actors In Hollywood

Jan 15th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
11 comments

orlando bloomIt’s not surprising that of the 120 columns I’ve posted on TheJay.com, “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It” and “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” have the most number of comments. The central figures of each post, the unintentionally awesome Keanu Reeves and the (hopefully for his sake) unintentionally bland Orlando Bloom, inspire fierce passion in their fans. On any given day I receive comments calling me all manor of awful things for my lambasting of the man who was Legolas, and an equal number of ego-boosting boot lickings for my loyal defense of the Wyld Stallyn himself, Ted “Theodore” Logan. What it comes down to, I think, is the disparity in how I view each of the actor’s respective talents, and my reader’s contrasting views on the subject.

In my mind, every actor has an innate “watchability” factor. They are either fun to watch, or they aren’t. For my money, Keanu Reeves very much is, while Orlando Bloom very much is not. This “watchability” factor comes from many elements, including but not limited to: looks, attitude, charisma, chemistry with other actors, ability to pick the right roles, behavior towards the press, representation in the press and general overall likeability. You can have a few of these elements, or all of them, but whatever the number, your presence on-screen equals a good time, all the time. Deep down, Orlando Bloom fans know that while he is as he calls himself on Ricky Gervais’s show Extras “objectively really good-looking”, he has zero chemistry, negative charisma, could cool down a horny Angelina Jolie, and is seen in the press as a sleazy, preening bohunk. This is why so many housewives send me 600 word opuses on the merits of Elizabethtown. If Orlando Bloom were so good in that movie I would have seen it. He wasn’t and I haven’t.

renee zellwegerI always give second chances to actors I don’t like. Renée Zellweger won me back after several great talk show appearances and a subtle turn as Russell Crowe’s wife in Cinderella Man. Josh Lucas received a stay of execution for keeping me awake through Glory Road. Even Ashton Kutcher got a second look after I found myself guiltily charmed by A Lot Like Love. I’m always hoping that unwatchable actors will one day figure things out and make a movie I like. It’s always better to have more reasons to see a movie, than not to. Unfortunately, more often than not I find my first impression was the right one.

And that is why I will never enjoy watching Orlando Bloom. You can’t gain watchability, you can only lose it. It is far easier for watchable actors to become unwatchable (hello, John Travolta), than it is for unwatchable actors to become suddenly charismatic on the silver screen (the only recent example I can come up with is Ben Affleck, except I’ve always liked the Gigli. After all, he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!).

I’ve already documented the actor’s I’ll always pay money to see, as well as the ones I refuse to pay for (in my piece “The $10 Buck List“), but I haven’t looked at unwatchable actors in a while (you can see my last pass on it HERE). So here now is another edition of “The 10 Most Unwatchable Actors In Hollywood”.

Whenever I make a list like this I usually have several criterion for making said list. Not here. The sole criterion is that at one time each actor was a guaranteed good time at the movies. And now, they are automatic visual insta-hurl.

The 10 Most Unwatchable Actors In Hollywood

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TheJay.com’s One Year-Old Birthday Blowout Extravaganza Spectacular!

Sep 13th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
18 comments

One year ago today I posted the first article on the re-launched TheJay.com (You can read that first post HERE). It’s been a wild twelve months; a ride that has seen its shares of highs (TheJay.com linked on the IMDB!) and it’s lows (Crash winning the Oscar comes to mind). I have made some great friends through the site (Craig Beilinson for one, who writes the best press junket reports on the net. Or the guys over at Matt Kreiger). I have made some fun enemies (basically any Orlando Bloom, Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellweger fan). But mostly I’ve had a blast writing about entertainment, and an even greater pleasure of interacting with my readers. I don’t usually do personal posts because this is not that type of blog, but I thought today I’d take you behind the scenes of TheJay.com to show you what the year was like for me.

I launched with a completely different attitude, style and direction than I have today. At the time I was hoping to post 4-5 small posts per week, or about one a day. They were going to be more news-based, similar to the 5,000 other gossip sites that cover the latest La Lohan shenanigans (And while we’re on the subject, seriously Lindsay, put some underwear on. There hasn’t been a celebrity whose cootata we wanted to see less at this point.). So I’d cover the happenings of entertainment, but also intersperse non-time sensitive pieces about whatever I was passionate about that day. This all worked well and good for about a month, when I realized I didn’t have the time to write 1,000 words a day on topics that are being covered more thoroughly and with better pictures, elsewhere (egotastic, defamer and the superficial come to mind). So over the course of the next few months I slowly moved the site to being less news-oriented and more feature-based. I liked the topics more, I had more time to devote to the individual pieces, and I felt like the site became more unique.

The problem was that my post count dropped dramatically. I went from writing 11 posts in September to writing just 5 in October and 7 in November. Over the last year I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I will never be as prolific as other bloggers. I have too many other things going on in my life to pump out more than 8 posts a month. On the other hand, those eight posts average 2200 words each, so my content volume is probably the same as your average 25 post per month blog. Also, the topics I cover are fresher, and the pieces themselves are deeper in their examination. Basically, you get more by getting less. Unless this site starts paying for my entire life (which I doubt it ever will), you can expect two posts per week at best.

In January I made what some would consider an ill-fated decision to cover the Oscars for a straight month. Eight posts all devoted to the Academy Awards. I even posted a schedule. Bad idea. My computer crashed, I was in a job search and the last thing I wanted to do was talk more about Reese Witherspoon winning an Oscar (shudder). So lesson learned: I will never again post a post schedule. I may allude to things I’ll be writing about (i.e. everyone in the world knew I’d write a Keanu Reeves piece this summer, and you bet you’ll be getting an Emilio Estevez piece when his movie Bobby comes out), but I will never outright tell you when to expect them. Because I will never come through; I abhor deadlines, and they hate me too.

After the Oscars the site faltered for a while as I tried to figure out my next move. My numbers were slowly increasing (they doubled from March to April), but I couldn’t figure out what you all wanted to read. I was picking up the fact that you preferred celebs over movies and movies over TV, but I couldn’t seem to deduce what it was about my writing about movies and celebs that you liked. I wrote some ill-advised pieces about more time-oriented subjects (shudder, Siberia Season, shudder). And I wrote some funny ones that turned out better then I deserved (Ten Sequels I’d Like To See). But ironically, it was my first celebrity target than helped me to move the site in the right direction.

The third post I ever wrote was called “Kenny Chesney Immune To Bitchface”, where I railed on the “fake” marriage between Chesney and Renee Zellweger. A lot of people got upset at me for calling her names and being so mean and hateful. Those people are obviously wrong. As my boy A-Train likes to say “What’s the internet for, if not to slander people anonymously?” In response to the backlash I wrote a piece called “Renee Zellweger Doesn’t REALLY Have a Bitchface”. And over the first seven months of TheJay.com Renee became my target du jour. I slammed her every chance I got. But then in March my Mom asked me to write her a Mother’s Day piece where I was nice to Renee, and I took the challenge. The piece turned out pretty good (read it HERE), but what was better was the reaction from my readers. My numbers went up after I posted the piece. And from that I learned this: highlight a celebrity and talk about something that makes them unique. And from that point on I tried to focus my posts on someone or something, specific.

That practice culminated in early May when I was on the treadmill and was trying to come up with ideas for what I wanted to say about The Da Vinci Code. I don’t care about religion, I didn’t really like the book, and the controversy had been covered ad nauseam by the mainstream press. What I kept thinking about was Tom Hanks’s Hair, specifically how much it sucked. And it got me to thinking about his hair over the years, and I realized that it has always sucked. And thus “Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair” was born.

Up until that point I hadn’t tried to market or advertise the site. For one reason or another I didn’t think I had written anything worth making a fuss over. But the Tom Hanks piece turned out really good. I happened to chance on the blog site for Vh1’s Best Week Ever and sent the editors a link to my piece. They liked it and suggested I submit it using their “Drop It” feature. A day later Best Week Ever wrote an entry on their main page about my piece and TheJay.com got it’s very first shout out. That was the last time my site was anonymous. Less than a day later the piece has been picked up by more than ten other blogs. A day after that I signed on to my stat program to see that I had jumped more than 18 GB in over a day! And since the most bandwith I had ever done in a single day before that was 200MB, that was a HUGENORMOUS boost in traffic. As it turns out, Ebaum’s World had put my piece as one of their Daily main page links, AND College Humor listed in their Hot Links section. Those two links started a wildfire of hotlinking, and before I knew it I had done 80GB in traffic in just over two weeks, had more than 60,000 new readers, and saw my site get listed on the Alexa Rankings for the first time (at number 1,300,000). I had sites in a dozen foreign languages reprint my post. I had 100 comments before I even knew it (when my previous high had been 9). The traffic request crashed my server; I had to upgrade the size of my hosting plan five times in a week (Big thanks to Greg Swaney at Nexcess.net for his patience, understanding and awesome deal making. To this day, I’m glad to be a Nexcess customer). This post had put my site on the map. What was I going to do for a follow up?

The answer, in short, was Keanu Reeves. I had long since been a fan of The One, and had been defending him to my friends and family for years. After seeing the success of writing about a quirk of a celebrity near the time of the release of their new movie, I knew it was time to write a Keanu piece, in time for his new (quality draining) Sandra Bullock weepfest The Lake House. So on June 6, 2006, late in the evening I posted “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”. It was a great piece that highlighted the forty reasons why Keanu was cool, and I was extremely proud of how it came out. I went to bed a happy man, and with a feeling like this post was going to do good things for TheJay.com. Boy, was I right. By the time I checked my stats the next morning, I had already done more than 5GB of traffic (in less than 10 hours). Apparently, an enterprising reader put a link to the post on Reddit, which prompted an outpouring of support for the two time Ted “Theodore” Logan. The piece shot to the top of their most liked chart, landing it on prime real estate for browsers. And just like the Tom Hanks piece before it, the Keanu piece started a wildfire. I got posted on Keanu fan sites, got picked up on Gorilla Mask, on MSNBC.com, on USA Today and Whitney Matheson’s Pop Candy, and on a bevy of smaller personal blogs. Now, I was not only on the map, I was also a destination reading spot.

Over the next two months, this story got repeated multiple times. From “What’s Hiding In Owen Wilson’s Shag” (which was linked on the front page of the IMDB) to “A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts” (which almost got me in trouble from the Associated Press) to “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” (which nearly got me crucified by ignorant fangirls), the readers and the links kept coming. Less than four months after the Tom Hanks’s Hair piece, I have welcomed more than 250,000 people to my site, and seen my Alexa ranking soar from 1.3 million to 100,000 (I’m now rolling with the big boys of the Top 100k). Last September I had less than 500 unique visitors in the entire month. This year I expect to receive more than 50,000. And I hope to make at least a third of them laugh just once.

I want to thank everyone that has been such a great help to me over the last year: A-Train, The Lady, Tim, the family (but especially my Mom for giving me several much needed guilt trips about not posting enough), Greg Swaney, Attu, Spencer Sloan, John Walkenbach, the guys at Best Week Ever, College Humor and Gorilla Mask, and most of all myself, for being such a witty, witty bitch. I have a lot of great new stuff coming over the next year, including:

1. A redesign (Pimp the new in-development logo up at the top of the post. Let me know what you think in the comments section.)
2. Merchandise (t-shirts, hoodies and underoos coming soon…)
3. An official MySpace page, where you can be my friend (tempting, I know).
4. Podcasts (TheJay, coming soon in Stereo!)
5. Much, much more (I don’t really have a fifth thing planned, I’m just anal about having a nice round number.)

So stick around and enjoy the sarcasm and Reese Witherspoon insults. You won’t be disappointed. For your reading pleasure I’ve provided a breakdown of the site below. It’s everything you eve wanted to know (or probably didn’t care) about TheJay.com. Enjoy!

TheJay.com: A Stat Breakdown

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Total # of Visits: More than 375,000

Total # of Unique Visitors: More than 265,000

Total Bandwidth: More than 300GB

Average # of Readers Per Month: More than 22,000

Average # of Readers Since May: More than 52,000

Biggest Month: July 2006 – 75,000 Unique Visitors, 1,430,000 Hits, 60GB

Biggest Day: August 24, 2006 – 17,000 Unique Visitors, 310,000 Hits, 18GB

Alexa Ranking on May 1, 2006: 1,300,000

Alexa Ranking on September 13, 2006: 100,856 (A 1,300% jump in just four months)

Total Number of Posts: 77 (An average of 6 posts per month. Who says I’m not prolific?)

Total Number of Words Written: More than 160,000 (Good lord, I could have written a book in 160,000 words. And you know what the title would have been? “Tonight at The Jay: Everyone Gets Laid”. It’s tasteless, disgusting, offensive, and the best PCU quote.)

Total Number of Comments: 840

Total Number of Links: 373 links (and counting) from 166 blogs

Best / Coolest Links: IMDB, EW, Pop Candy, Ebaum’s World, College Humor, Gorilla Mask

Most Popular Post: Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair

Most Controversial Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It

Most Overlooked Post: Tie:

- Ten Sequels I Would Love To See
- Recasting a Classic: Princess Bride

Worst Post: Tie:

- Siberia Season
- Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

My Favorite Post: Tie:

- Rachel McAdams Is The Next
- 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers
- Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
- A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts

My Least Favorite Post: Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

Funniest Post (per capita): Tie:

- Tearful Celebrity Apologies
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

Longest Post: The Jay’s 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!!!

My Favorite Posted Picture: The Jake Gyllenhaal Salute

Most Commented On Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
– 291 Comments (and counting)

Biggest “The Jay Is An Idiot (more than normal)” Post: The Case For: Brokeback Mountain, Best Picture Oscar Winner

Biggest “The Jay Is So Smart He Might Actually Be A Prescient Being” (aka The “In Your Face, I Was So Right!” Award) Post: The time I told everyone I knew that King Kong would disappoint at the box office (but neglected to write it down as proof of my awesome forecasting powers).

Number of Swipes at Reese Witherspoon: More than 12 (don’t worry, I’ll get this higher next year)

Biggest “Friend of TheJay.com”: Robot Hand Is The Future, who has taken to linking every post I do, despite it’s quality. Thanks man!

Worst “Friend of TheJay.com”: Defamer – Would it kill you to link to me just once? Selfish, link-hoarding bastards (said completely out of love)!

Number of Unwarranted Cracks at Innocent Celebrities: Trick question, nothing I say about celebs is unwarranted. I’m harsh, but I’m right.

“Smartest” Post: Tie

- Breaking the Release Bubble Of Hollywood
- Royal Rumble: Movies vs. Marketing

Meanest Post: Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?

Most Kiss Assy Post: I Saw Fiona Apple At The Wiltern And You Didn’t (I had to acid burn my nose just to get the smell of freaky musician ass of my nose.) (P.S. Your welcome for that visual.) (P.P.S.S. Fiona, your awesome; you too KT Tunstall, while we’re at it!)

Most Annoying Reader (s): The ten people or so who keep stealing my columns and reprinting them in their MySpace blogs without my permission. Screw you, thieving jackasses. Respect the Creative Commons liscense, bitches!

Most Awesome Hate Comments:

1. From the Tom Hanks Piece: rougy: Are you serious? Are you for real? Are you that petty and superficial? Here’s my grade for snarky diva websites who blow the miniscule out of proportion: F–

2. From the Tom Hanks Piece: The Dominator: Suck my dick this is horrible the guy is a complete shmuck fuck u and tom hanks get a life douche bag.

3. From the Tom Hanks Piece: Amy: You’re a moron. Plain and simple.

4. From the Owen Wilson Piece: shaia: ok, first off, this is the lamest thing i have ever read….Are people really that jealous of a star? do you NOT have anything better to do?? Did you truly get paid to write this? it is a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of probably someone brilliant talent of working for a newspaper (The Jay’s note: My readers are so eloquent. And have the best grammar.)

5. From the Orlando Bloom Piece: Victoria: Ok, I am an Orlando Bloom fan & I thought what you said was very rude, mean & Arrogant. If you don’t like his movies then don’t watch them or are you too stupid to do that because from your article it kind of sounds like your (sic) a complete moron anyway. You’re free to express your opinion but doesn’t make it right now does it. I so happend (sic) to like Pirates of the Caribiean (sic) Dead man’s chest, I didn’t like it, in fact I LOVED IT. You should quit your day job because you don’t know what you’re talking about by the way Troy too was a good movie, I liked it so much I bought the DVD. I think he is a a very talented actor. so all I have to say is nobody likes Jerks, it’s not a good trait. You’re just a jealous hater who has nothing better to do then to put down someone that’s doing better then you. Have a Great day! (The Jay’s Note: Again, let me call out how intelligent and well-written my readers are.)

Most Awesome Fan Mail Comment:

From Tearful Celebrity Apologies: Tony: Hey dude, dis is sum funny shit.

(Ed note: This is all I hope to hear from my readers. I’ve had more effusive fan mail, but this one sums it up best. Keep it coming, Tony. If you keep reading my funny shit, I’ll keep writing it.)

Thank you everybody, for reading and supporting this tiny, sarcastic, uber-witty, ultra-insightful, totally relevant, exceedingly important, humble website. It is much appreciated.

Bangarang!

Celebrity Superpowers

Jun 20th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
9 comments

Let’s be real, there are no superheroes in this world. While it would be nice to have some guy in pansy red booties flying around saving babies and trains, it’s just not happening. There will never be a guy in full black latex tooling around New York City in his batmobile (the traffic alone precludes this); there is no blond-haired Adonis who can breath underwater and talk to the fishes (as much as Entourage would have us believe otherwise). Wolverine just does not exist, as much as every woman alive would like him to. No, there are no real superheroes in this world.

What we do have is as close an approximation as we’re going to get: Movie Stars. Movie Stars are the equivalent of superheroes, there pretty, they’re in peak physical condition, they’re charismatic (most of them anyway) and most of all, we idolize them. Sure their heroics are usually reserved for the silver screen, but for most star struck fans, movie stars are mortal gods. The true believers don’t spend much time discerning the difference between saving the world on DVD, and saving it in real life. When Bruce Willis drops the nukes onto the asteroid, or Dennis Quaid walks from Washington D.C. to New York (in 3 days!), or Nic Cage pops green smoke on Alcatraz, some people really believe they are watching the actions of a superhero.

And you know what? Who am I to tell them otherwise? Really, who’s to say that they AREN’T superheroes? That they don’t have powers beyond mortal imagination? If you think about it chances are good that most movie stars do have super powers; the power to charm millions of people, the power to make men fall in love with them, the power to cure all forms of illness ever invented by humans (Thanks Tom!). I know for a fact that some celebrities have, at the very least, suspicious abilities. For example, Reese Witherspoon, who has the ability to annoy me whenever I see watch her movies. Or Sean Connery who has the ability to keep his Scottish accent no matter where his character is from. Or Samuel L. Jackson who commands the F-Bomb with an almost preternaturally high level of difficulty.

In all seriousness, I know Movie Stars don’t REALLY have superpowers. The closest they come is through CGI and make-up. But wouldn’t it be cool if it were true? If CGI didn’t exist and Tobey Maguire really could shoot spider webs out of his wrists? If Will Smith really could fly a fighter jet into an alien mothership and Jeff Goldblum could take down an advanced alien technology with a simple Apple iMac virus? Yes, things would be a lot cooler if celebrities were mutants with superhuman abilities (as opposed to the regular mutants they are now).

And that thought got me wondering, if Movie Stars really DID have superpowers, what would they be? I thought about it for a while, made some wild assumptions and eventually figured it out. Here’s what I came up with:

Morgan Freeman: Superhuman Narrating Abilities

Tom Cruise: Unlimited Scientology Powers (Do not face him in battle, his powers are LIMITLESS!)

Ben Affleck: Critical Praise Repellent (To stop those pesky good reviews.)

Keanu Reeves: Charisma Boost

Colin Farrell: Superhuman Liver Capacity

Nic Cage: Voice Amplification (to combat the mumbles)

Nicole Kidman: Anti-Wrinkle Powers (concentrated in the forehead region)

Vince Vaughn: Rapid Fire Vocal Capabilities (as well as heightened wit)

Jessica Biel: Stronger than ten men.

Jim Carrey: Elasticity

Hilary Swank: Gender-Changing Abilities

George Clooney: Commitment Shield (natch)

Jim Caviezel: Jesus Powers (Rumors confirmed by respected San Diego anchorman Ron Burgundy)

Sylvester Stallone: Gravity Defying Physique (powers currently fading)

Lindsay Lohan: The ability to turn her crotch into both Fire AND Ice, depending on the situation (or her mood).

Jessica Alba: Can turn pre-pubescent boys into mush.

Sean Connery: Superhumanly Cool Accent

Cameron Diaz: Magical Swirling Ass (Must be contained for fear of inciting Global Thermo-Nuclear War.)

Hayden Christensen: Franchise-killing powers

Diane Lane: Alien beauty that improves with age.

Russell Crowe: Can throw a cell phone faster than a speeding bullet; can also unleash hell on command.

Vin Diesel: Can walk backwards into shadow better than any man on Earth.

Drew Barrymore: Vocal lisp doubles as an all-powerful cuteness generator.

Hilary Duff: Super-Strong Teeth (Attained by accident through an incident involving nuclear waste, a bottle of white-out and an ill-advised horse-tipping.)

Hugh Jackman: Adamantium Endo-Skeleton, Mutant Healing Powers

Anne Hathaway: Hypnotic Yabbos

Samuel L. Jackson: Bad Mutha Fucka!

Paul Walker: Human Wood-Pencil Sharpener

Jennifer Lopez: Impervious Backside.

Jack Nicholson: No actual powers, he’s just that cool.

Al Pacino: Sub-Sonic Vocal Capabilities (In other words, he can yell really loud.)

Brad Pitt: Armor Abs

Julia Roberts: Mega-Watt Smile, ability to power a city with a single lip curl.

The Rock: Raised eyebrow sends out a debilitating energy pulse.

Donald Trump: “Hair” Doubles as Emergency Follicle Parachute

David Schwimmer: Superhuman Caucasian-ness

Winona Ryder: Thrifty

Uma Thurman: Can perform deadly five point palm-exploding heart technique.

Christopher Walken: Heightened Monologue Performance Powers

Emma Watson: Jailbait

Renee Zellwegger: Impenetrable Scrunchy Face

Angelina Jolie: All-Powerful Lips

Tara Reid: Party Monster

Kate Beckinsale: Looks really good in black leather.

Bruce Willis: Unbreakable; also, Dies Hard; also, is really a ghost.

Katie Holmes: Zombie

Robin Williams: Covered in fur; also super-speed (emphasis on “speed”).

Britney Spears: Parenting Powers

Michael Jackson: Putty Nose conceals secret all-powerful young boy magnet.

Derek Zoolander: Really, really ridiculously good-looking.

Chuck Norris: Unparalleled martial arts abilities; also, his tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Bangarang!

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Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

May 22nd, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
7 comments

Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!


Celebrity Well Wishes For Tom, Katie and Suri the TomKitten

Apr 21st, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
2 comments

We here at TheJay.com (and by we I mean “me“) would like to extend our deepest congratulations to Suri Cruise, the newest member of the Church of Scientology. May her rise of the levels of Thetan be quick and clean, and long may she wave her Xenuian flag, proud to be free of prescription narcotics, psychiatry, dyslexia, bulimia, athlete’s foot, genital warts, Icee-induced brain freeze and all the other things that the Church claims their religion can cure. L Ron would sure be proud to know that his teachings have helped to inspire a generation of celebrities to donate ten percent of their gross yearly income in order to learn a new way of life that is violently opposed to the natural order. And that those same celebrities have rallied around one celebrity icon, leading the charge for societal acceptance. And that his efforts have resulted in the first celebrity baby Scientologist. Yes, there’s nothing better than forced religion, especially a weird one. No doubt the other kids in the playground will have little ammunition to pick on Suri with, what with her uber-famous father, her uber-zombie mother, her family’s vast fortune, general public ridicule, the expectations of an entire religion, and finally, her not-at-all freaky first name.

Oh yeah, and congratulations to the Mom and Dad, Mr. and Mrs. Batshit Crazy Tom Cruise. They must be so proud to have brought their hoax / beard / religious icon / robot / pod baby into this world. I’m sure they will make fine parents some day. Or at least hire a competent Scientologist nanny. Cigars for everyone! But don’t get addicted to nicotine. The Church doesn’t have a cure yet for the sweet, deathly weed.

It’s ironic (in that Alanis Morissette kinda way) that a devout Scientologist and a formerly devote Catholic would name their baby after a Hebrew word. I guess it’s anything you can do to get back in the good graces of Papa Spielberg, eh Cruise?

But don’t listen to me, I’m quite cynical (No, it’s true. But thanks for coming to my defense.). I have compiled a group of congratulations comments from friends and acquaintances of the Cruise family. Take a read on what some of Hollywood’s most famous people are saying about the baby of the year (At least until Brangelina pops out their Namibian freakshow golden baby, sometime in mid-June.).

John Travolta: Tommy, from one Level Three Thetan to another, congratulations. He will make a fine Xenuian descendant of L. Ron. Wanna make out?

Renee Zellweger: Whatever you do Katie, just make sure the lawyers put a Fraud clause in the pre-nup. Trust me on this one.

Brad Pitt: Seriously, Tom, how do you get Katie to stay so quiet? I can’t get Angie to shut her trap for five minutes; always going on and on about starving Africans and poor Cambodian mine fields. I don’t care. I’m from Missouri, Tom! The most I want to say to a girl is “Where’s my bud?” And now we’re having the kid, who to be honest may not even be mine, in some country called Namibia. I don’t even know where that is. Where am I? Can’t I just go home? Is this really my punishment for leaving Jennifer. She wasn’t even that great to begin with. Always had this slight stench of… Ross on her. Help me Tom, you’re my only hope.

Josh Hartnett: Katie, I’ll admit, when you left me for Tom without so much as a Blackberry text, I was pretty bummed. But now, the way I see it, you have at best traded sideways. Where as I, most definitely traded, UP. So, you know, no hard feelings.

Nicole Kidman: I guess my lawyer is just better than yours, Katie. We adopted. Best of luck with your new, small baby. And I do mean small. Troll spawn don’t often reach the heights of giants. Or even of normal people.

Chris Klein: Yeah, I know, I’m a jerk and a world-class, world-renowned sleazeball. But at least when I was dating Katie I let her say more than two words at a time AND let her get naked on-screen. So the way I see it, I’m probably square with the big guy up stairs. And with most of the fifteen year-olds who saw The Gift not knowing Katie was gonna unleash the wonder twins. Booyah, I tapped that hard, good and great. I rule.

Steven Spielberg: Congratulations, Tom. A baby is a wonderful thing to bring into the world. I would know, Kate and I have adopted seventeen of them. You know, I also like to consider my films to be my babies. Which I think makes it so hard to deal with the fact that you gave our War of the Worlds the equivalent of the black death. It may not last a decade in the minds of the audiences. So thanks Tom, for killing our baby. Hopefully you won’t do the same to yours. Now if you’ll excuse me, the Master must tend to his new reality show. Coming this fall on FOX!

Scarlet Johansson: Poor Katie. I am so glad that isn’t me.

Jessica Alba: You’re telling me!

Cuba Gooding Jr.: SHOW ME THE BABY! Sorry Tom, thought it might convince you to do Jerry Maguire 2. I really need the work. Nobody’s returning my calls. And they gave my Snow Dogs sequel to that cracker from the car-racing movie. Maybe I can pawn my Oscar. Nah, it hasn’t been worth anything since I made Chill Factor.

Michelle Williams: I wish I had done more on the Creek, Katie. I know we had our differences, what with you being more famous than me at the time, but if I had known what you would be going though now, I would have done things differently. We’re mothers now. Well, I mean, I’m a mother. You’re more of a surrogate to a Miracle Baby, but the point remains the same. Girls who used to work together, who also gave birth to the babies of pampered, slightly loopy actors must stick together. It’s all we have. Me, you and that little Asian girl Nicolas Cage bought in The Valley.

Britney Spears: Wow, ya’ll! Suri, that’s a cute name. I didn’t know you had an Indian baby. That’s so cool, Tom. If I could have chosen, I would have had a black baby, but Kevin and I don’t know how to do that. Kids are hard, ya’ll. There always falling off things when you’re not looking, and trying to drive your car without a car seat or seat belt. Kids are out of control. The real problem is the parents. So you be good to your little Indian girl. Ya hear?

Jack Nicholson: You want well wishes? You want well wishes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE WELL WISHES! Son, we live in a world that has real religions. And those religions need to be guarded. Guarded against scientologists. Whose gonna do it? You Tom? You, zombie girl with the rack? I didn’t think so. I’d rather you just said I’m sorry, and went on your way. Best to Paula Wagner and the kids. Love Jack.

Val Kilmer: You can be my son’s play date anytime.

Jamie Foxx: HEEEEY!! HOOOO!!! You made it do what it do. HEEEYYY!! HOOOO!!! Here’s a gift for little baby. My CD, Unpredictable, in stores now. Love you, Big Cruisey. Holla atcha boy!

Brooke Shields: Born on the same day, huh? Man Tom, you are just so good at publicity. Stealing the spotlight of the birth of MY baby by having your own? What did you do? When you heard I was giving birth did you start stepping on Katie’s stomach? Did you inject her with some mutant Scientology not-drug that pushes the kid out faster, cures her of heroine and depression and cleanses her of dyslexia? Because I know you can do that.

Sean Penn: IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? No seriously, in the crib, is that your baby in there? She’s cute. Good job, Tom.

Penelope Cruz: Garble, garble. Unintelligible accent, garble, Matthew’s abs are better, garble, Spanish curse word, control freak, deadly Spanish curse word, garble, garble. Como se dice? Congratulations Tommy. I’m glad it wasn’t me.

Stanley Kubrick: Don’t look at me, I’m dead. I make fifteen classic movies, and our goddamn sex movie gave me a heart attack. It took two years and a real live, honest-to-god sex doctor to make you believable having sex with your OWN wife, who I might add, was Nicole freakin Kidman. So, pardon me if I roll around in my grave a bit at the thought you knocked up that poor little girl within days of meeting her.

Sean Preston Spears: Stick with me, Suri. I know a great therapist. Been seeing him since I was born. We’ll keep it a secret from your pops.

Julia Roberts: Congratulations, Tom. You know it’s funny. I distinctly remember doing this movie where a rich guy paid my character a large sum of money to pretend I was his girlfriend, and to disguise who I really was. But we never had a baby together. I guess this is the sequel, huh? Hope she settled for more than I did. Inflation’s gone up since 1991.

L.Ron Hubbard: Tom, Katherine, Little Baby Zort, I mean Suri, warmest wishes from your beyond the grave Thetan leader. Now I have a bedtime story for little Suri. Many, many years ago there was a writer named Herman Melville, who wrote a book called Moby Dick. When the book was released it was a huge success, a bestseller for its age. Some time after the release of the book Oxford University invited Melville to speak at a roundtable discussion of the themes and elements of his book. The discussion was led by a slew of the finest minds in all of England. They instantly began peppering the writer with in-depth questions about the philosophical and metaphysical elements of Moby Dick. They wanted to know if the journey of Ahab was a meta-reference to the downward spiral of western intelligence. They asked if the color of the whale was a sub-textual representation of the ills of Mother England. And so on. The questions kept coming, and kept getting more deep and complex. After a time Melville raised his hand and silenced the panel. He gave a little smile, looked up and told the geniuses of the world: “Guys, it’s just a book about a guy chasing a whale.”

Congratulations on the newest addition to your family. And remember Tom, sometimes it really is just a book.

Bangarang!

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