It’s so important that this video be watched by every human being in the world (and some dogs) that I broke my rule of no posts based solely around a YouTube clip. Such is the reverence I hold for this clip. Bask in it’s greatness. BASK IN IT!

The Wii Movie Adaptation Market has just pushed to the forefront of the Digital World. Here’s hoping we get to see some Wii Caddyshack, Wii Major League (a Wii Pedro Cerrano would be so completely tuttle), and of course, Wii Rocky. I’ll post more of these as they come.

“Wii Donny, you’re out of your element!”

Bangarang!

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This, along with much of how decisions are made, is completely off-base.

Kids do not make movie sequels better. They are merely a signal that the producers have no more stories to tell and are just throwing their hands up in the air and grabbing whatever trite sitcom cliché happened to be stuck to the ceiling. Are you in the third or fourth gratuitous sequel and grosses keep going down? Congratulations are in order, because someone’s having a baby! Let us all rejoice that we can no longer swear or show nudity in the movie because someone decided to drop a precocious eight year-old onto the scene. Huzzah!

I say humbug.

Sure, there are exceptions to the rule (Shortround in Temple of Doom comes to mind), but generally speaking, adding a kid to a movie franchise equals creative death. Such is the concern many geeks across the world are having as news comes in that Steven Spielberg has cast Transformers-loving, Michael Bay explosion-runner-away-from, Shia LaBeouf, in the role of Indy’s long lost son. Regardless of the fact that no one wants to see a younger version of Indiana Jones (If we did, Sean Patrick Flannery would be on his 14th season of The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones and not threatening us with more jittery episodes of The Boondock Saints), the bearded master remains convinced that what audiences have really waited seventeen years to see is Harrison Ford and Sean Connery chasing the plucky kid from Even Stevens across the desert. And we wonder how War of the Worlds went so wrong. He should have just killed Dakota and the jackhole son and let Tom Cruise single-handedly take down the entire Martian army using only his Xenuian mind powers (though it’s not like he was ever gonna off Dakota Fanning. She would have had his hands cut off. It would have been “to the pain”.).

It’s not so much the idea of introducing a kid, as much as what the real purpose of doing so is. For example, the Alien series brought out Newt in Aliens and it was a resounding success. This is because she humanized Ripley, gave her a will and motivation to destroy the Alien Queen, and was the impetus behind the classic line “Get away from her you bitch!” It also helps that Newt had one of the most awesomely adaptable movie quotes of all time in: “They mostly come at night. Mostly.” You can use this quote in almost any situation and it will always get a laugh. If you’re at a bar and someone asks what you want to drink you can say “I mostly drink Heineken. Mostly.” If you’re talking to a date about sex, you could say “I mostly like oral. Mostly.” It always works! Other good uses for the quote:

- “I mostly deuce at night. Mostly.”
- “You’re mostly a bitch. Mostly.”
- “I mostly hate Reese Witherspoon. Mostly.”

Newt rules.

The point is that Newt had a reason to be in the movie. She advanced the Ripley character and provided crucial plot points for the movie. Now on the other hand, take the African American girl from The Lost World who showed up out of nowhere as Jeff Goldblum’s daughter. What did she bring to the movie? What was her purpose? Nothing. She was there to add a kiddy element to the picture. To put her in jeopardy so that Goldblum could be heroic in saving an oh so PC black girl. She was there for that stupid gymnastics routine. She should have been there as raptor food.

Getting back to the point, we already know that Indy can be a good father figure, as we were shown Temple of Doom. And Indy already worked out his daddy issues in The Last Crusade. So the only purpose for having an Indy prodigy in Part 4 is to align Indy with a past lover and potentially settle his personal life. But who cares? We don’t need Indy to settle down. We need Indy to crack Nazi’s in the face with his whip. We need him to ride horses in the desert and blow up tanks. We need him to make “wise choices”. We don’t need to see him playing catch and cheering on little league games. And that’s what it will be, make no mistake. The movie WILL focus on the Shia LaBeouf, and Indy will become a passerby in his own movie. It will be depressing, disgraceful and disrespectful. But most of all, it will be a bad movie.

And if Steven Spielberg and George Lucas don’t believe me, here are some other instances of kids ruining successful movie franchises.

Sage Stallone – Rocky 5

We’ll ignore for a second that Rocky’s kid aged five years in the three months Rocky was in Russia fighting Drago. We’ll ignore for a second that Sylvester Stallone made the crucial mistake of casting his own kid in the movie. We’ll even ignore for a second that Rocky 5 doesn’t actually exist (it NEVER happened, do you understand me? He beat Drago and we flash forward fifteen years to Rocky Balboa, end of story.). Let’s talk about how the lame the young Rocky gets shunned by Papa Rocky and must train on his own to defeat local bully, Eric from Entourage, really is. Do we care? Rocky didn’t even seem to care about the boy for the first two acts, so why should we? Of all the problems in that movie (the brain damage, the missing training montage, the broke and beaten down Rocky, the ungodly Adrian fight in the street culminating with Rocky clutching his head in deafening pain only to receive multiple shots to the head from a heavyweight boxer with no apparent repercussions less than fifteen movie minutes later), I’m counting the focus on young Rocky as the worst. Stallone had no intention of turning the Rocky series over to his kid, so what gives? I wanna see Rocky Balboa run through the streets and hit some beef. I do NOT want to see Rocky’s kid yelling “Go for it, he took my room!”

(Ed note: I could have theoretically chosen Milo Ventimiglia in Rocky Balboa, but I got too much love for Peter Petrelli. I can’t believe Sylar cut off Peter’s beloved Emo hair! How will Milo express his inner turmoil if he can’t lower his head and navel gaze through his panty-melting bangs?)

Both Kids – The Cutting Edge 2: Going For The Gold

Was DB Sweeney really so busy he couldn’t come back for this? Did Moira Kelly feel like her obligation to One Tree Hill superseded returning to her only hit movie? Did they ask for too much money? How much were they asking for, twenty bucks and a hot meal? Whatever it was, the producers should have paid it. I’d buy two forty year-old has been B-list actors lunkering through Olympics before I do two Ambercrombie & Fitch idiots CW-ing their way through this schlockfest. I wanted to toepick these ingrate kids in the face. Almost makes me want to not see The Cutting Edge 3. Almost.

Katherine Heigl – Under Seige 2: Dark Territory

Follow me on this one. Part of what made the first Under Siege so great was the involvement of then-blonde hottie Erika Eleniak. The action and the fighting and the Busey and the Tommy Lee Jones were great and all, but seriously, what guy watching the movie doesn’t get the most excited during the scene where Seagal walks through the deserted party and kicks the big cake, knowing full well that Eleniak is about to pop out and show her boobies? It’s the highlight of the movie. This is where Part 2 went so wrong. Heigl is a kid so you know she’s not showing any skin. And she’s playing Seagal niece, so you know she’s DEFINITELY not showing some skin, and that we’re going to have to endure an obnoxious scene where she unleashes her karate skills and dishes off someone-liner like “It runs in the family” or “I’m currently ruining Grey’s Anatomy.” Why cast a hot, young, blonde actress and NOT have her whip her boobs out at some point in the movie? That’s counter-intuitive to action movie-making.

Also, did I mention Katherine Hiegl is KILLING Grey’s Anatomy right now? Lay off George, Izzie, and go find yourself a plot that DOESN’T involve you being a shitty doctor or friend. Gah!

Kyla Pratt – Dr. Dolittle 3

I’m less upset about the decision to take the franchise down a kid-friendly Direct-To-DVD route, than I am that Eddie Murphy unleashed the franchise on us to begin with. I’m also dealing with some residual hate owing to my having watched the latter half of Eddie’s repugnant I Spy remake last night and my punching a hole in my head the size of a Sacagawea gold coin just to make the awful go away. I am so glad I picked Alan Arkin to win the Oscar. And I HATED Little Miss Sunshine.

Jake Lloyd – Star Wars: Episode One – The Phantom Menace

The Golden Child example of kids ruining a movie franchise. George Lucas’s complete inability to see that he had cast the wrong actor in the role of young Anakin Skywalker remains the most glaring error of his career (yes, more than Howard the Duck. At least that film had some kinky duck-on-Lea Thompson action). Lloyd is wooden, the opposite of plucky (in this case a bad thing), and he makes other, better actors look bad. How do you cast a kid that sets the bar so low that Hayden Christiansen looks like a step up? And let me briefly mention the problem of making an eight year old boy the center of an epic space adventure (he’s really flying a X-Wing at eight? Really?). Owing to his age, he can’t be involved in any lightsaber fight. He can’t trade witty quips with the spunky girl character. And he can’t support any heavy emotional drama, because eight year-olds don’t have heavy emotional drama in sci-fi epics. The only good thing he brought to the movie was the pod race scene, and that had nothing to do with him, as well as having nothing to do with the series as a whole. Take that entire sequence out and you can write off the young Anakin Skywalker character from the movie. I’m amazed people think that Jar Jar was the most heinous addition to the series.

Gaspard Ulliel – Hannibal Rising

Go away, non-Anthony Hopkins Hannibal Lecter. If I wanted to watch a sadistic kid butchering people in cold blood and eating their brains I’d cue up Heroes on my TiVo and watch Sylar stick some bitches to a ceiling.

Vanessa Lee Chester – The Lost World: Jurassic Park

I’ve already written at length about the stupidity of this character, but I wanted to reiterate how terrible it is to make a point. Take Vanessa out of the movie and nothing changes. If anything, it allows the movie to be more violent (and hence, more awesome). It gives more screen time to the Vince Vaughn character (and you know a bunch of his funny stuff hit the cutting room floor so that Spielberg could set up the “They cut you from the team” joke. Spielberg really needs to lock it up. Or go motorboating.). And it gives us more time to watch Pete Postlethwaite be a badass. The ironic part of her character was that she was dropped from the final act. It’s like Spielberg realized he had made the mistake partway through the movie and purposefully excised her character from the “T-Rex Godzillas through San Diego” scenes as an apology.

If he saw then that adding a kid to a beloved blockbuster was a mistake, why is he bringing in LaBeouf for Indy 4? He should really talk to Will Smith and Keanu Reeves about just how much Shia brought to I, Robot and Constantine, respectively. And by brought, I made took away. And by took away, I mean he sucked.

I mostly hate this idea. Mostly.

Wait, check that. With apologies to Newt, I hate all of this idea. All of it.

Bangarang!

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Here are the ten movies I saw in 2006 that were so repugnant, so foul, so sucked-ballsish, and so full-on poopy that I had to single them out for non-praise. May my soulful green eyes never fall on these abominations of cinema ever again.

My Bottom Ten of 2006

1. Firewall – Maybe not the worst movie of the year, but definitely the most heartbreaking. It’s never fun to see a hero degrade, and this film was no exception. Indy 4 should not happen. I repeat, SHOULD NOT. The only thing Harrison Ford should be fighting is his elevated AARP deductibles.

2. Basic Instinct 2– What would you rather see less, Britney Spears naked or Sharon Stone naked? It’s a harder choice than you think.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest – Wooden, overly long, bloated to the gills with excess and surface frills, cloying in a way that no film has been since Oceans Twelve, completely unnecessary and just plain mediocre. And yet it broke box office records. I will now go put on my copy of Brick and shake uncontrollably in the fetal position.

4. Date Movie – The only film that can not be helped by pressing fast forward. Nothing could make this supreme POS end faster.

5. Ultraviolet – The most disappointing film of the year for me, as I love director Kurt Wimmer’s last film, Equilibrium, and because I read the script two years ago and absolutely dug the hell out of it.

6. The Last Kiss – A film that actively tries to break up you and your significant other. If you are currently in a couple I implore you not to watch this. Yes, Rachel Bilson is exceedingly hot. Yes, the soundtrack was good. Yes, the direction was solid and the acting commendable. But no, you are not allowed to see this. Go watch The Break-Up again. At least that film tried to make you laugh a bit (and offered you a soft-focus shot of Jen Aniston’s upper butt).

7. Running Scared – Paul Walker should really stick movies that feature him either riding in cars, snow dogs or Jessica Alba.

8. Lucky Number Slevin – All the goodwill Josh Hartnett generated from killing Alexis Bledel in Sin City is yoinked for making me sit through this strung out collection of nervous filmmaker tics, five years too late Tarantino riffs, and stunt casting that was the opposite of amusing. You know you’ve done something wrong when I’m bored of watching Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley and Bruce freaking Willis do their things. That’s a murderer’s row of awesomeness right there, and yet the movie focuses on Josh Hartnett in a bath towel. Seriously, what fourteen year old girl is watching this movie? So why are you pitching to that demographic? Inexplicable.

9. Poseidon – The very definition of studio tripe. Somebody wake me when Josh Lucas does anything at all worthy of his stature.

10. My Super Ex-Girlfriend – Either Quentin Tarantino is more of a genius than we thought, or Uma Thurman is a lot dumber than we think, because no other choice explains her decision to be in this movie. Underwritten, overwrought, poorly directed, shoddily edited, cheapo special effects (the shark throw not withstanding), and the only film so far to ruin the charms of Anna Faris. Oh, and P.S., you suck Luke Wilson. Do some sit-ups, cut your hair and learn to stop mumbling your lines.

Dis-Honorable Mention: When A Stranger Calls, Hostel, A Prairie Home Companion, Underworld: Evolution, Miami Vice, Superman Returns, and Failure To Launch

I’ll post my Top Ten of 2006 next week. I had wanted to post the list before the New Year but I hadn’t seen all the films I wanted to, and didn’t feel right making an incomplete list. However, in the interest of time and significance, I will make a last ditch push this week to try to see as many unseen 2006 movies as I can, so that you, my loyal readers, will have a true and complete list. Because I know how important it is to you all that I join the fat ton legion of online entertainment writers who post a Top Ten of 2006. I have to be a part of that kind of irrelevance.

Here’s what I still have left to see. Anything I should just skip?

World Trade Center, Little Miss Sunshine, Flags of our Fathers, Letters From Iwo Jima, The Black Dahlia, Marie Antionette, Running With Scissors, A Scanner Darkly, Catch A Fire, Fur, A Good Year, Come Early Morning, Happy Feet, Bobby, For Your Consideration, Blood Diamond, Pursuit of Happyness, We Are Marshall, The Good German and Shepherd, Children of Men, Dreamgirls, Notes on a Scandal, Miss Potter and Eragon (just kidding on that last one, I’m not ever seeing that POS)

Wow, that’s a pretty long list. Kinda makes me feel like I haven’t seen anything at all this year. At least I saw Rocky Balboa. Everything else is whatever.

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THINGS I AM DOING THAT ARE COOL AND ARE PROMOTING AND YOU MUST THEREFORE PAY STRICT ATTENTION TO (SERIOUSLY, THIS IS IMPORTANT)

If you haven’t noticed the PopLoad picture ad in the sidebar, now’s the time. Click on it, or on the one to the right, to be taken to the homepage of PopLoad, a live, interactive, streaming internet radio show. It’s produced by NowInLa.com, and those nice people have asked me to host the show. Every Monday and Wednesday from 8-9pm PST you can go to NowInLa.com and hear me expound on TV, stupid celebrities, inane Hollywood decisions and various other totally important areas of pop culture. Not only can you listen to the show online, but you can talk to me on a chat board while I host and post pictures and video. It’s a communal radio experience. Your posted thoughts and pictures and videos affect what we talk about. If I’m on a tangent about La Lohan’s latest coke-induced T-Mobile Sidekick opus, and you drop a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon challenge on the board, I will stop everything to respond to the challenge. If you say something particularly witty I will make notice of it on the air. If you’ve ever wanted to rip me for something I wrote, here’s your chance (hint hint, Orlando Bloom fans). And if you become a great contributor online, I might even ask to interview you live on the air, via-phone.

It’s gonna be a great show and fantastic companion to TheJay.com. I hope you all tune in and I look forward to talking to you on the boards. Thanks for listening.

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THINGS TO LOOK AT THIS WEEK

- I’m glad to live in a world where Conan O’Brien is allowed to give birth to a glorious idea called HornyManatee.com.

- Now this is an Aaron Sorkin show I can REALLY get behind.

- After his full-on tuttleness in The Departed I’ll follow Mark Wahlberg anywhere. This looks like a good place to start.

- This is a really interesting idea. I’ll figure out mine and post it next week.

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THINGS I DON’T KNOW

- I don’t know why all the guests on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson always seem to be great friends with the genial Scottish host (and therefore having much more fun than normally goes on over at Leno or Letterman), but I like it just the same. Back you cheeky monkeys! Hee.

- I’m not entirely sure that Ben Stiller didn’t sell his soul to the comedy devil many years back so that he could hypnotize the world with his ape-like facial features and spastic, wild-eyed neuroses tantrums. And even though I can’t prove it, I think he’s responsible for some evil reverse-karma going around. How else can you explain James Brown dying on the same day that Night at the Museum opened number one at the box office? It was Stiller’s yearly talent sacrifice to the comedy devil. Let’s pray he doesn’t make another Meet the Parents sequel, my Mom would be devastated that he took Rod Stewart before the man could record his eleventy-billionth American rock standards record.

- I can’t quite put my finger on why Dane Cook is so successful, whilst David Cross is still a fringe comedian, but I think it has something to do with the majority of America being supremely stupid.

- I don’t know why I suddenly hate Zach Braff and all that he stands for, but who am I to question my dramatic emotional pop culture mood swings? I think it’s possible he enrages me so much because he makes movies where he gets to make out with the hottest brunettes in show business but spends the other 89 minutes and 24 seconds whining about it. Plus, Best Week Ever totally agrees with me.

- I don’t know why it took me so long to find Arrested Development, but by GOB am I glad I finally did. The Bluth family and their wacky dysfunction cracks my shit up something fierce. Great writing, superb acting (the best cast on television since Seinfeld), and a pitch perfect satire of corporate shenanigans. If Jason Bateman’s new movie didn’t happen to star Zach Braff (who gets to whine about making out with Amanda Peet this time… though he may have a point), I might be inclined to say nice things about it and even shill out the kaysh to see it on the big screen. That’s how loyal I have become to the cast of Arrested Development. I’ve started watching Ellen since she’s currently lady-banging Lindsay Bluth (my favorite part of the show is how dismissive she is with her guests when their interview is over. It’s like you can feel how much she hates being a product shill. Leno could learn a lot from here. Though not the dancing.). AD has even made me a fan of Ron Howard, something A Beautiful Mind tried so hard to stop.

- The show is so good I’m actually sad that I only have five more episodes left to watch in the series. Now I’ll have to go back to watching stupid Scrubs, with stupid Zach Braff (who’s been spending this season whining about being with Elizabeth Banks. Will this guy’s pussiness never cease?). I hate my obsessive need too watch an entire show’s run on DVD in the shortest amount of time possible. Damn my need to finish things!

- Here’s a clip of the greatness of Arrested Development. Cue “The Final Countdown”.

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THINGS I DO FOR MY FRIENDS

- Your welcome, Mike Galvez.

- If anyone has a copy of this poster, my boy Tim will pay real money for it.

- This is what I got my best friend for Hanukkah. Am I a friend, or what? Come On!

- By the way, this is quite possibly the best game ever invented by humans. I implore you to play this game. Not only can you play as Rocky as he fights his way through the series, but you can also play Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang and Ivan Drago in career mode. Apollo sports a hugemongous afro, Clubber fights in the ghetto, and Drago fights in a Russian pipe factory. It. Is. Awesome.

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THINGS I RESOLVE TO DO

Since those glorious bastards at BestWeekEver.tv got there first, I won’t be running my planned “Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions” post. But I do have a few personal pop culture-related resolutions I’d like to share with you.

- I resolve to watch all unseen Steven Spielberg movies. The list includes: Empire of the Sun, 1941, Sugarland Express, and the interminable second half of Amistad.

- I resolve to makes fun of Lindsay Lohan less, and Reese Witherspoon more.

- I resolve to do a panty check before I leave the house, in honor of the patron saint of internet celebrivagitude, Britney Spears.

- I resolve to see 150 movies in theaters this year. And hopefully at least two of them will star the totally tuttle Isla Fisher (a.k.a. the crazy chick from Wedding Crashers)

- I resolve to launch “Movie ObscuriTees”, my long in-development line of pop culture-influenced T-shirts. More on this as the year develops.

- I resolve to watch every episode of Battlestar Galactica. I have never seen even five minutes of one episode, and apparently that makes me an asshole of a geek. So I’m gonna get right on that.

- I resolve to post at least one extended piece on the rise and fall of the mighty (and currently orca fat) Val Kilmer. (who should not, I repeat, NOT, make Real Genius 2. I’m not kidding about this. I will hunt you down and sock you in the nuts if you ruin the legacy of that great 80′s flick. I will be your fucking Huckleberry.)

- I resolve to reduce my MySpace.com time by half.

- I resolve to post a sequel to my Keanu Reeves piece titled “Ben Affleck is NOT a Tool, And I Can Prove It”.

- I resolve to post more, and on time.

… just kidding on that last one. We all know that’s never going to happen.

Happy New Year, everybody! Stick around in 2007, I’m just getting warmed up…

Bangarang!

“I’m your HUGE Huckleberry. Is that pie? Cause I could totally go for pie while being your Huckleberry.”

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“Boy was I lucky my anti-aging cream came in time for this premiere. Who would have thought that the same orphans I’m adopting could also be used as pulp for my unholy Immortal Hotness potion.”

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“American Airlines announces it’s hiring of the hottest flight attendant EVER. In the event of a plane crash, please hope you are an empath. If so, please touch the flight attendant for safety.”

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“Hey honey, wanna hear me narrate? Oooh yeah, you like these dulcet tones? Why don’t you come march with my penguin?”

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“The new nose should keep Justin around a few more weeks. Maybe I should schedule a ham flap lift for the Spring. Surfing season is just around the corner…”

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“Good god, is that Jennifer Garner? Whose soul did she suck to get hot again? I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, Ben Affleck is a lucky, lucky man.”

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“Perfection.”

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“I must find Professor X before Magneto destroys Charlotte’s Web!”

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“I hope 50’s flak jacket has reinforcements. Looks like Sam didn’t get fed this morning.”

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“When did Angelina Jolie start dating a Joe Black?”

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“Lose five pounds of hair immediately, or get off my red carpet!”

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“Oh, you like that smile? You forgot how hot I am when I smile, didn’t you? Never forget how many times you whacked off to my nude scene in Mulholland Falls. NEVER!”

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“Physics!”

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THINGS I WILL BE APPEARING ON

Stay by your devices for instant messaging and internet porn this Thursday at 4pm, be they Mac or PC, as I guest host the live podcast “PopLoad” for NowInLa.com. It’s a pop culture show designed to drop a smelly wet one on the celeb shenanigans of the day. Basically, it’s like reading one of my posts out loud. The show is live, so if you want to ask me a question you can call in or text message. I’ll be premiering some stuff from this Friday’s Year in Film Awards post, and maybe even throwing out some trivia questions to the listeners. It’s gonna be fun.

If you miss the show I’m pretty sure you can download the episode afterwards. For more info on the show, click the banner on the sidebar or go through this LINK.

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THINGS I’M LISTENING TO

Here’s what’s kicking up dirt on my iPod these days.

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THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF ABOUT BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO

I went in to the worst video store EVER the other day to rent a few inane, distraction comedies (I needed something on in the background while I wrapped gifts, and wouldn’t you know it, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are absolutely perfect to ignore), perused the oddly spaced New Release wall – why was there an entire section set aside for Americn Pie 5, but only four copies of Brick? – and scored my Butterscotch Stallion fix, then braved the absurdly long line. I ignored the inexplicably slow service and sat patiently while the half asleep guy behind the counter ineffectually went about ringing me up. I drove all the way home, laid out the gifts and wrapping paper, went to put in the movie, only to find that the moron behind the counter forgot to take the security locks off of the tapes, so I couldn’t open either box!

So now I’m in a quandary. Do I get dressed and drive all the way back to Blockbuster just to get the locks pulled off, have a credit put on my account, throw some condescension at a minimum wage tape slag and then drive all the way back home, or do I just say screw it and watch TV instead?

Ten minutes later I was at the store.

I tell the guy he made the mistake, and his response? “Ah, my bad! I’m such a dumbass.” At least he owned up to it. I want a credit for the hassle and he tells me I have to ask for the manager. The manager (a hugemongous beyotch of a woman) makes me wait for nearly ten minutes (which wouldn’t be that big a deal, but I’m on crutches these days, so I only have one foot to stand on, and I’ve been putting it to use for the better part of a day), and when she finally deigns to help me she gives the shit eyes. Like I’m putting her out because her CSR is an idiot? In the immortal words of Erin Brockovich, bite my ass, Krispy Kreme! Don’t give me grief because you people suck at your monkey job; I’m not the thirty year-old working the late shift at a Sherman Oaks Blockbuster Video.

I don’t understand why the entire world hasn’t switched to Netflix, yet. Then again, I’m the same guy who’s astounded that the world rejected the Champagne Punch jellybean, so what do I know? However, I do know one thing: the next time I need a fix of inane Butterscotch Stallion jokery I’ll just pop in my well-worn copy of Zoolander on DVD and save myself the trouble (“You is talking loco and I like it!”).

Also…

Dear Blockbuster Video,

I hope Netflix socks you in the face like the crappy corporate suckhole you are.

Love,

The Jay

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THINGS ABOUT OSCAR

Now this is a campaign I can get behind.

Now if I can only get the Rocky Balboa “For Your Consideration…” campaign going.

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THINGS TO CLICK ON, SPORTS THEMED

- Dan Marino is nothing if not intense. Just too bad he didn’t bring that same passion to Ace Ventura, or he might have had some Oscar talk. Well, probably not, but it might have helped stop all the Razzie talk.

– If you enjoy shuddering at the thought of Chris Berman picking up chicks, today’s your lucky day. Expect “you’re with me, leather” to become a permanent reference here at TheJay.com.

(http://www.deadspin.com/sports/chris-berman/he-could-go-all-the-way-166410.php)

- Here’s my Holiday gift to all my wrestling fan readers out there. Here’s the entire match of Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant from the legendary Wrestlemania 3. Enjoy not getting any work done for the next ten minutes.

– This piece makes me hardcore pissed that HoopsTV.com folded. That was a sick sports blog, before blogs became the norm.

(http://freedarko.blogspot.com/2006/12/and-so-story-goes.html)

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THINGS ABOUT MY HEROES

Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.

There isn’t a person in this country who doesn’t love at least one of his flicks, be it Jaws, Raiders, E.T., Jurassic Park, or one of the other twenty-one. His films touch our hearts, excite our minds and dazzle our eyes. He is responsible for millions of kids wanting to be film directors; and the conductor of an even higher number of childhood playtime fantasies. He was my first inspiration as a writer and budding director. And he remains my favorite creator of movie magic. Even when he makes a movie I don’t like ( like The Terminal) I still find great things in it, like the amazing airport set, which I got to walk through when I worked as an extra on the film (which means I might just love it because I’m visible in two shots of the movie).

To honor the bearded great one, here are ten Spielberg movie moments I love:

- Two moments stand out for me from Jaws: 1. The entire USS Indianapolis speech (“..thing about a shark. He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes…”). 2. When the shark drags the first barrel underwater and Hooper loses him in a chase; I love the quiet moment when Quint stands on the end of the starboard walk ramp, holding his rifle and shaking his head, while the sun sets beautifully around him. It was a look that spoke volumes. We’re gonna need a bigger boat, indeed.

- The over the shoulder pull back to reveal the government base at Devil’s Mountain, in Close Encounters. The first use of what is now known as “The Spielberg Shot”. Often imitated, never topped, it is still the best way to do a reveal on film.

- The scenes of kids trick-or-treating in E.T. As a boy who grew up in The Valley, watching a movie about a young boy and his alien best friend who lived, essentially, around the corner from me (I used to play in the same park as Elliot), brought me countless fever dreams and daytime pretend adventures. The moon shot is still a stunning image, and easily makes for the best production company logo EVER.

- The climax in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indy is hanging off the ledge, desperately trying to reach the grail cup, while Henry tries to pull him to safety. Henry can’t get Indy’s attention, and their grip is starting to falter. Indy’s got mad glory in his eyes, but Henry realizes what’s truly important and gives Indy the lesson our intrepid archeologist has been looking for since we saw him run from the boulder in Raiders.

Henry: Indiana. Indiana, let it go.

That line gets me more than any other moment in the series. A perfect encapsulation of the life these men lead. Man alive, can Spielberg make a movie!

- The trailer over the cliff sequence in The Lost World. So well-choreographed and executed, it comes off like a Gene Kelly dance, as interpreted by Wes Craven. I love the look on Julianne Moore’s face when she realizes what’s about to happen. “Oh shit” never looked cooler on a girl.

- The epic 20 minute storming the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan, specifically the extended sequences done in silence as Tom, slightly deafened from a blast, takes in the violence happening all around him. Arguably the most realistic depiction of war ever committed to celluloid. And the fact that this film lost to a Gwyneth Paltrow romantic comedy makes me sick at both ends.

- The opening credits of Catch Me If You Can, with the Pink Panther-like animation and the John Williams jazz riff. It was a signal that we were not about to see a typical Steven Spielberg fantasy, but instead something far more playful and sophisticated. And it is easily my favorite Spielberg movie of the last ten years.

- “Oh, there you are, Peter!”

- The spider sequence in Minority Report. The creepy mechanical crawlers search the entire building looking for Tom Cruise’s John Anderton (the last time The Cruiser was effortlessly cool on-screen). They can’t detect Cruise because he’s lying motionless in an ice cold bathtub. The last spider is walking away when Cruise lets one tiny air bubble slip out of his mouth. And the spider hears it. The delicate double take of the CGI creature is so smooth, so graceful as to be almost unnoticeable. But let there be no mistake, it is a sly stroke of genius. And serves as yet another reminder why Spielberg uses CGI better than anyone else on the planet. Michael Bay better learn himself an education by next summer. A BIG FUCKING ROBOTS movie needs all the subtlety it can get.

- The first dinosaur reveal in Jurassic Park. Maybe the single best reveal shot of the last half decade. Ellie is going on and on about some indigenous wildlife and Grant turns her head to see what he was looking at and all we see are her eyes go wide. Ellie rises out of the jeep and then BAM, we cut to the most perfectly realized depiction of a prehistoric animal ever put on film. I can still see my Dad shaking in the theater, awestruck by what he was seeing. That’s the type of reaction Spielberg elicits in audiences. He leaves them awestruck; my favorite emotion to have while watching a movie.

And I thank him for giving that to me so many times. Happy Birthday, Sir. We honor you here at TheJay.com. May you continue to create wonder on the silver screen for many more years to come.
For an absolutely fantastic retrospective of Steven Spielberg’s career, CLICK HERE.

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Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good Bangarang!

Keeping in mind film history and tradition, what was the most important film of the year?

If you say anything other than Rocky Balboa you are lying to yourself.

What else would it be? Pirates 2? In ten years no one will care how many box office records an effete Johnny Depp broke. Casino Royale? We switch Bonds every ten years. No matter how blond, buff, grizzled the new one is or how many kicks to the junk he can absorb (like the coach in Beavis and Butthead), Casino Royale doesn’t warrant that much attention. Borat? The movie itself isn’t nearly as fun as the character, who by the way is starting to wear thinner than my 1987 AYSO windbreaker.

The answer is Rocky Balboa. The final chapter in an illustrious film franchise. The return of a cinema icon. The 30th anniversary of a scrappy boxing movie winning the Oscar for Best Picture (and not to get mushy, but also our hearts). The final shot of glory for one of film history’s most successful screen heroes. Even if the film is terrible, you must admit that Rocky Balboa brings more to the table than any other film released this year.

For this, and for the following reasons, Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. Now I’ll admit out of the gate, that as of this writing I have not seen the movie. So this is all conjecture. If the film is terrible, this post will look pretty stupid. But I don’t think it will be (and critics seem to agree). I think it’s going to be the perfect final chapter in one of my favorite film franchises of all time. I think it’s going to be a great last shot from one of my favorite actors. And I doubt that I will love any film more this year, than Rocky Balboa.

More reasons why Rocky should win:

- The original Rocky won the Oscar for Best Picture. Many critics are saying that Rocky Balboa is a spiritual brother to that first film. That it’s a personal movie, not merely a ramp up to a big fight. If it’s being considered a partner to the original film, and the original film won the Oscar, shouldn’t this film at least get a NOMINATION?

- Rocky is an enduring cinematic tradition. And why wouldn’t we honor tradition? The series has been beloved for decades, has entertained millions, brought fathers and sons together, united an ever-broken sports city (Philadelphia), practically invented the formula for the modern day sports movie, and introduced the world to the 2nd most important action hero of the last half decade (the first being Arnold).

- We watch the films with friends. We watch them on Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. We watch the random TNT Sunday marathons from end to end. We listen to the soundtrack to get pumped for the gym, for a meeting, for a big date, or for anything else that requires that extra bit of push only Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” can provide – who doesn’t want to shadowbox after seeing a Rocky movie? For all the things the Rocky movies have brought us, doesn’t this new one deserve some awards consideration?

- Rocky Balboa is the best active movie icon in cinema. He’s like the Brett Farve of the movies. Sure, he may throw a lot more interceptions than he used to. Sure, the young players may look at him like a dinosaur. Sure his cameo in There’s Something About Mary was more awkward than my last Chrismukkah party. But on any given Sunday, he can make you believe.

- Rocky, like Brett, can transport you back in time; to 1985 when you watched him defeat Ivan Drago (“You see? You see? He’s not a machine, he’s a man!”) and single-handedly ended the cold war. To 1982, when you first watched him fight Thunderlips (the ultimate male), and you thought for the first time “Hey, wrestling. That’s cool. I’m gonna go body slam my little brother!” To all the other times you watched the movies over and over again, just to cheer yourself up.

- And besides, he’s all we have left of the old movie icons. Arnold has Governatored himself out of the movies, so you can kiss a T4 goodbye. Mel Gibson has sugartitted himself out of any shot at returning to Martin Riggs. Indy 4 is NEVER going to happen. Eddie Murphy hasn’t said “fuck” onscreen in 15 years, so there’s zero interest in seeing him lace up for another Beverly Hills Cop movie. And as for Bruce Willis? Live Free or Die Hard looks like any other mediocre action movie Bruce has put out in the last decade. And any Die Hard where Bruce doesn’t rock the toupee is not a Die Hard I’m interested in. But Rocky is back doing what we love, and he doesn’t look stupid doing it. It actually looks like a movie that respects the traditions of the character we’ve grown to love so much. It actually looks like a movie made for passion, not another paycheck. Hell, it actually looks like a good idea. So why aren’t we celebrating Sylvester for this triumph? He should get the Oscar simply for not screwing it up.

- Rocky is an enduring metaphor of America and its values. Not to be jingoistic or overly patriotic, but don’t we want to honor a movie like that in a time like this? Isn’t it important to remember the old American ways of grit, determination, hard work and triumph of the will that Rocky so clearly demonstrates? Wouldn’t Rocky Balboa be the perfect film to unite our country, if only for two hours? The Best Picture winner is, if nothing else, supposed to be the most important movie of the year. I argue that for this country, Rocky Balboa is our most important movie.

- Sylvester Stallone wrote, starred in and directed the movie. The Academy loves to see actors multi-task. Here’s a partial list of the movies directed by actors that have won Best Picture: Braveheart, A Beautiful Mind, Million Dollar Baby, Dances With Wolves, Unforgiven, Ordinary People. And another list of films that were nominated for Best Picture: Goodnight And Good Luck, Lost in Translation, Mystic River, In The Bedroom, Life Is Beautiful, Apollo 13, Quiz Show, A Few Good Men, Bugsy, Prince of Tides.

- Stallone is an aging star looking for one final send-off. The Academy, like audiences, eats that stuff up. Look at Clint Eastwood. He was a fading star who decided to go behind the camera, made Unforgiven, and the Academy jumped at the chance to honor a man who had entertained them for so long. Why aren’t we looking at Stallone the same way? Sure, Stallone and Eastwood are not the same. Clint has directed many more well-received movies, and appeared in a great many more. But Stallone has entertained us just the same. I can count at least 10 movies of his that are action classics (the first four Rocky’s, the first two Rambo’s, Cliffhanger, Victory, Demolition Man and most important of all, Over the Top). And don’t forget that Stallone wrote all six Rocky’s and directed four of them, and wrote the majority of his action movies. I think we could be seeing the beginning of Stallone’s Eastwood-phase; all the more reason to honor him the same way.

- The Rocky franchise is fun. Watching Rocky Balboa is going to be fun. When was the last time you had any fun watching a Best Picture Winner? Crash made me want to punch a homeless guy on the street. Million Dollar Baby was a like a two hour wrist cutting. Return of the King was an exercise in ass torture (and felt much more like something we needed to watch, as opposed to something we actually wanted to). Chicago was…well, Chicago. And A Beautiful Mind may have been more depressing than Schindler’s List, but I wouldn’t know because I hanged myself from the balcony of the Cinerama Dome just to avoid watching the third act. The last time the Academy gave its prize to a movie that was actually “fun to watch” was Gladiator in 2000. And before that, was Braveheart in 1996. That’s two out of the last eleven! We’re due for a crowd pleaser. The last thing the Academy wants is to send the message that only dour films have a shot on the grand prize. The winner this year needs to be an uplifting film. And the Rocky movies are, if nothing else, uplifting.

- You can’t watch this trailer, with the incomparable Bill Conti score, the hint of the training montage, Rocky punching the meat, running up the steps and stepping into the ring, and not be excited. To not feel pumped up and ready to go? It’s just not possible.

Seriously, what else is out there that is really worth getting behind? Best Picture winners have a passionate support group behind them. I’m not sure there’s a single movie in contention that everyone uniformly loves, or has any real, undying passion towards. Let’s go through the list:

Babel: Too muddled, too international, too much of a love/hate movie.

Bobby: Directed by Emilio Estevez? Please…

The Departed: Too violent and not nearly as good as Scorsese’s past work (which it is unfortunately being compared to). Marty will finally get his Best Director Oscar, and that will be the film’s prize.

Dreamgirls: Does anyone really want this film to win? If it does, in five years, won’t we all look at the film the way we do Chicago and not remember a single standout thing about it? And there’s also way too much in-fighting going on between the cast. The Academy does not see kindly to that.

Letters From Iwo Jima: Suffers from the baggage of Eastwood’s failed Flags of Our Fathers.

Little Miss Sunshine: The reviews and the box office are the prize for this indie darling.

Pursuit of Happyness: Not even the absurdly likeable Will Smith can drag this schmaltzfest to Oscar glory.

The Queen: A remarkable film, but when was the last time a “British” movie won the Oscar? I’ll save you the time. It was Chariots of Fire in 1981 (which is considered one of the lowest-quality winners of all time).

United 93: Impersonal, not spectacular enough, and trades too much on the inherent emotions of the material.

World Trade Center: We’re all glad Oliver Stone calmed down, but there isn’t a chance in hell the Academy gives the Oscar to a member of the 1st bunch of 9/11 flicks, especially one directed by Stone. A 9/11 film will win the award one day, but not for another ten or fifteen years.

So really, how inconceivable is it that Rocky deserves to AT LEAST stand alongside four of these movies? If the film is good, which a lot of critics are starting to say it is, and audiences fall in love they way they have with the character before, then the film should absolutely be considered for the Oscar. Secretly, if you were watching the Oscars, and saw Rocky Balboa up there with four other movies, wouldn’t you be secretly rooting for it to win? Wouldn’t that be kind of cool? Wouldn’t you rather see a crowd-pleasing movie like Rocky Balboa win, than a Babel? Or a Dreamgirls. I know I would.

Think about how great it would be to see Stallone up there accepting the Oscar for Best Picture. To see his determination to make this movie rewarded. To hear him say stuff like: “This is the greatest moment in my entire career. I’ll cherish this honor. Thank you for supporting me and supporting Rocky for all these years. It means the world to me.” While he tries not to cry? You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to see that? I don’t know about you, but I watch the Oscars for the moments. And the chance to see a moment like that is too great to pass up.

But in reality, the film doesn’t stand a chance. I know that. Academy voters would never seriously consider nominating a sequel to a franchise that has degraded in quality to such a degree (i.e. Rocky V), let alone a fifth sequel.

But they’re kidding themselves.

Imagine you’re an Academy voter. You come home from a long day at the office, and a pile of Academy screeners are waiting for you. You decide to watch one, so you start skimming through them. Here’s what I’m guessing you’d be thinking: “Ok, let’s see, gotta a multi-story drama about isolation, disappointment and Cate Blanchett dying on the floor of an Indian village. Pass. Got a musical starring Jamie Foxx and Beyonce. What else? A two-hour tour inside the minds of the British royal family. No thank you. Whoa, wait, Rocky Balboa? Really? Sweet!! I am SO watching that!”

And you know that’s exactly what would happen. You’d put it in and two hours later you’d be smiling ear to ear and rooting for Rocky to pull it out one last time. And then you’d take out your ballot and vote for Babel, because you suck, and you don’t want to be the guy who voted for Rocky 6.

And that’s just not fair.

If people like the movie, if critics like the movie, if it does well at the box office, why wouldn’t it be thought of as one of the best films of the year? It’s ROCKY for god sakes! Show some respect. I am going to be there on opening day. I’m gonna cheer on Stallone and his last shot at glory. I’m gonna be proud to like the movie. And I will defend its merits till my they pry the bandwith from my cold, dead hands.

Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. And I defy you to prove me wrong.

Bangarang!

You see, we like the truth. And we like the humility that stars must show when they tell the truth. Celebrity scandals would flame out much faster if the stars involved just came right out and admitted their involvement. We know (all) celebrities aren’t perfect. You have to be at least 35% crazy just to want to be in the entertainment industry so it’s no surprise when an actor turns out to be nuts and/or violent and/or sexually deviant and/or pure evil (Loved you in Baretta, Robert Blake!). So it’s a surprise to me that more stars don’t go down this road.

Wouldn’t you like La Lohan better if she just admitted to the coke and the anorexia? Wouldn’t you like Colin Farrell better if he just admitted he bangs anyone that so much as blinks at him (male or female)? Wouldn’t you like George Lucas better if he apologized for Jar Jar and the Star Wars prequels? I know I would.

We need to make this happen. We need to force celebrities to confess to their sins and hone up to the truth. And while we attempt to come up with a way to do just that, here’s a sampling of some of the tearful celebrity apologies I’d like to hear most.

Nicole Ritchie: Paris, I’m sorry I invited all your friends over to watch the video of you getting nailed by that greaser. That was wrong of me (but funny). I’m sorry about that one time when you got so drunk you passed out and I tattooed “Skaz” into your upper thigh. That was mean of me (but again, funny). And I’m sorry that I may have given you herpes. That was a weird night for me (this one’s not so funny); it’s confession time: I’m the real Firecrotch. And I’m very contagious.

Brad Pitt: I’m sorry, Jen. I know it was wrong of me to leave you for Angie, but really, do you blame me? That girl’s body is so perfect, I feel like a “3” whenever I’m around her. She may not be as down home as you. She may not smoke two packs a day like you. And she may not let me stay in Malibu instead of trekking all over Africa helping dirty foreign kids like you. But in the end, she’s still Angelina Jolie and you’re still Jennifer Aniston. Really, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for.

You, Me and Dupree: I’m sorry I ever claimed to be funny. Everyone was telling me how important I was and how Little Man was gonna kick my ass. What else could I do? I caved to movie peer pressure. But I did learn a valuable lesson: Never cast Kate Hudson in a movie that’s supposed to be funny.

Britney Spears: I’m sorry for becoming all trashy, ya’ll. But there’s only so much a person can do deny her true roots. And like my roots, I’m as backwater as they come. Please continue to fantasize about me when I used to be the hottest tits on legs. One day I’ll make it all up to you guys. Maybe a packed hard, laid down wet Playboy spread when I’m 35 and desperate. Will that make it up to y’all?

Harrison Ford: I’d apologize for Firewall and K19 and Six Days, Seven Nights and pretty much my entire career post-1997, but I’ve been drunk pretty much every day since the Air Force One premiere, so screw all of you. I’m rich, I’m grizzled, I’m dating a troll and I’m never making Indiana Jones 4. Now leave me alone! I’ve got to go fly my airplane and sign onto a mediocre action movie.

Jack Nicholson: I’m sorry I’m so “Jack”. There’s not much I can do about it. So get used to it. I’ve been awesome for a long time now. And I’m going to continue to be awesome for the foreseeable future. So I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Go Lakers!

Rachel McAdams: The Jay just told me I don’t have to apologize for anything. He says I’m perfect just the way I am. What a nice guy. I think maybe I’ll break up with Ryan and go challenge The Lady for the The Jay’s honor. Now where did I put those brass knuckles Lindsay gave me on Mean Girls?

Zach Braff: I’m sorry for appearing like I have absolutely zero interest in being on Scrubs anymore. It’s just that I am so damn kick ass now that Garden State did so well at the box office ($24 Million). I am way above this TV crap. Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go cash my latest Chicken Little residual. Humility doesn’t come cheap you know.

The Entire Cast of The O.C. (Minus the non-dearly departed Mischa Barton) : We’re sorry our show sucks now. But hey, at least we killed off Mischa. That’s something, right? Please watch us. It’s so cold here on Fox.

Orlando Bloom: I’m sorry I’m so bland. There really nothing I can do. I’ll try to be more interesting. Maybe I could date Lindsay Lohan? Would that help? If I killed a guy, would that fix the problem? I don’t know. I guess, maybe I could try acting better… wait, hmmm, I may be on to something here.

Colin Farrell: I’m sorry for denying that I ever knew that crazy bitch who attacked me on Leno and who’s suing me right now. It’s not that I lied so much as that I literally cannot tell all my sluts apart. Who can remember anyone’s name when you’re shit faced off of Yeager and Red Bull and four deep in groupies and playboy bunnies? Whoa, what’s that thing on my penis? Eh, doesn’t matter. Ladies, now serving number forty-seven? 47?

Sylvester Stallone: I’m sorry about Rocky 6. Just thought I’d get that out of the way. You know, save me some time.

Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas): I’m sorry I keep claiming I’m not a dude. Sometimes I just forget. Then I scratch my balls and I remember.

Suri Cruise: I’ve sorry I haven’t let any of you see what I look like. It’s not what you think. I’m real. I’m not a pod baby. I don’t have three arms, or six toes or any other weird appendage. It’s just, well… I’m embarrassed by my parents. I don’t want to be the kid on the street that everyone points at and goes “That’s Tom Cruise’s kid. Poor thing…” I don’t need your sympathy, ok? I just need some privacy. If people find out what I look like, I’ll never get a fair share. No guy will ever want to bang me. And the only way I’m getting out of here is if I get knocked up the first chance I get. So don’t you fuckers ruin this for me! Go away, let me do my time and when I’m a pregnant, runaway, heroin junkie at 14, I promise I’ll give you all the interviews and pictures you want.

Haley Joel Osment: I’m sorry I got loaded and crashed my Saturn station wagon (!) into a mailbox. I’ll promptly head to rehab where my publicist can stage my ratings-boosting Primetime Live sobriety now/redemption interview. As it turns out I don’t see dead people, but I do see a stint on The Surreal Life.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: I’m sorry I haven’t gotten more naked on Entourage. I know you’d think that after a bunch of hook up scenes with Nicky Hilton’s little boyfriend, a slew of potential nipple slip-favored shirts and good lord, a freaking threesome, that I’d lose my top just once. But it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ll try to rectify this at the earliest possible chance. Maybe this weekend. Especially if The Piven asks me to. I can’t deny him anything.

George Lucas: I don’t apologize for anything! If you don’t like my movies, don’t watch them, I don’t care, I’ve got billions! And I have the precious original, untouched negatives, and you’ll never get to see them. Ha haha hahaha aha (twirls beard hair like a Bond villain). … I suck.

Tom Cruise: Wooo! Apologize? Don’t be glib. You know Scientologists don’t believe in forgiveness. It goes against Xenuian emotional weakness laws. Wooo! Time to go back to “planning” the wedding. Katie, do you want roses or daffodils? Just kidding! Ha! Like you get a choice in the matter. Silly girl, you fall for that every time.

Lindsay Lohan: I’m sorry to all the teen boys of America who weren’t able to whack off to me in good conscience last year. I’m sorry to all the random guys I’ve hooked up with and never returned their calls (especially the ones that start out “Lindsay, I just got my test results back…”). I’m sorry to all the young girls who used to think I was a role model until I started doing mass amounts of coke and banging all of Paris’s ex-boyfriends. I’m sorry to all the movie studios and production companies who’ve lost money because I didn’t show up for work (Exhaustion is a serious disease, people!). But most of all, I’m sorry to my breasts, who did so much for me and my career, and I repaid them by nearly deflating them for an entire year. Girls, it’s great having you back. I’ll never have you surgically removed again!

Bangarang!

It is the title of the last episode of The West Wing that Aaron Sorkin ever wrote.

It is the smallest square that can be written as a sum of two squares.

It is the age Kevin Smith was when he made Mallrats.

It is when a kid starts having his/her Quarter Life Crisis.

It is the size of a Major League Baseball roster.

It is how old Zach Braff was when he wrote Garden State.

And it is the age I will be turning on Sunday the 9th of July.

To mark the occasion I’ve compiled a list of birthday wishes that I want to use to make Hollywood -and entertainment in general- into a better place to live and work. Why be so altruistic and not horde my wishes on selfish, material things? Here’s the reason: I know it’s only a matter of time before Steven Spielberg asks me to write his next movie. I already have a girl better than Natalie Portman (The Lady is much cuter, a terrific actress AND doesn’t mind my intense body hair. Darth Vader can keep the Portman.) And I’ve resigned myself to Dan Marino never winning a Super Bowl (unless I’m playing Madden). So I’m not going to waste my birthday wishes on those things. Instead, I’m going to waste them on this optimistic wish list of pop culture improvements. Especially number four. And since I’m an expert (candle) blower, I fully expect to see these wishes fulfilled. Even more especially number twelve.

1. I wish that Eddie Murphy would return to stand up comedy. I’ve been waiting for Eddie to drop an F-Bomb since the 1995 abortion known as Vampire in Brooklyn.

2. I wish Ben Affleck would make a glorious return to the silver screen. My world’s just not the same without the star of Surviving Christmas and Reindeer Games. After all, he was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

3. I wish that The Last Kiss would become the spiritual sequel to Garden State (and with an equally great soundtrack).

4. I wish that Airborne, Rad and Monster Squad would get released on DVD with big fat honking special editions. They’re my three favorite films that aren’t on DVD, which is insane because ABC Family Channel used to play Airborne every three hours like clockwork.

5. I wish that Spielberg, Ford and Lucas would decide NOT to make Indiana Jones 4. Indy rode off into the sunset after finding the Holy freaking Grail. How do you top that? Ford is pushing 65; do they really expect us to suspend our disbelief that this AARP member is still believable whipping Nazi’s and running from boulders and bad blonde actresses? Let it go, guys. Let it go…

6. I wish George Lucas would make an indie movie, just to see what it would be about.

7. I wish the Arclight had a brother.

8. I wish there was a theater in Los Angeles that was solely devoted to showing new, digital works. There are interesting, captivating films out there, done by daring new digital filmmakers, but we have yet to find a suitable distribution venue for them, and as such, studios have picked the rights up to very few of them. This needs to change. And while we’re on the subject of things that need to change at movie theaters, I wish we could find a legal way to stop idiots from bringing their kids into R-Rated movies. Or Moms who bring their babies into Friday night shows. I wish we could find a non-lethal, fully legal way of tasering people who talk on their cell phones during the movie; or crushing the larynx of assholes who won’t stop talking, even when you do the half turn glance, then full turn stare, then full turn stare and “Ssshh” them, and then they glare at you. I hate people.

9. I wish Hollywood would make Dolph “I must break you” Lundgren the new Mickey Rourke, and start casting him as a badass in every Tony Scott movie.

10. I wish I didn’t hate going to the movies now.

11. I wish Tenacious Dwould hurry up and release their next album. I can’t keep listening to Tribute (It’s the greatest and best song in the world.), my iPod refuses to play it for the thousandth time.

12. I wish gratuitous T & A would make a comeback.

13. I wish James Cameron would hurry up already and make his goddamn next movie. Those IMAX movies don’t count. And neither does Aquaman.

14. I wish I didn’t know the ending of Rocky Balboa.

15. I wish John Hughes would come back (I bet Shermer, Illinois is a happening place these days).

16. I wish the Academy would break up their acting awards the way the Emmys and the Golden Globes split up drama and comedy. There are far too many comedic performances that get overlooked (Paul Giamatti in Sideways, Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, John Travolta in Get Shorty). The highlight of this change would be the possibility that Adam Sandler might eventually be nominated for an Oscar, a sure sign of the apocalypse and the end of mankind as we know it.

17. I wish Shane Black would make a sequel to Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (or Long Kiss Goodnight).

18. I wish Paris Hilton would just go away.

19. I wish Hollywood would stop knocking The Valley (Ahem, Entourage! Dicks.). It’s cheap, it’s not funny, it’s invariably not true, and it’s so 80’s to do it. So step off my turf, Hollywood, we like to keep it respectful in Camelot.

20. I wish they had made Angels & Demons first.

21. I wish Steve Kloves knocks “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time” right out of the park.

22. I wish NBC would finally green light the Quantum Leap spin-off (Quantum Leap: A Bold Leap Forward) that I have been waiting for, for thirteen years. Everyone, please go and by a Quantum Leap DVD box set (I recommend season 3 for it’s heart-wrenching Vietnam-set finale), so we can show the network that this property is worthy of another go round.

23. I wish this movie would get made.

24. I wish people would agree with me about Keanu Reeves.

25. I wish that success in this industry wasn’t about getting on the cover of US Magazine, or blowing some low-rent casting director, or doing blow in a night club bathroom, or releasing a sex tape, or having pictures “stolen” from your house, or lip-synching on SNL, or doing a cloying reality show, or dating a troubled aging movie star, or pimping your religion, or fluctuating your body so harshly that no fourteen year-old in their right mind would want you as a role model, or picking scripts based on money and not based on quality, or becoming a brand name and spending all your time shilling your custom sneakers instead of working on your craft, or quantity over quality, or being mean to people who don’t deserve it, or being able to screw the little guy, or yelling at PA’s, or suing a tabloid when the story was true, or getting Botoxed, or releasing a vanity music project, or dressing like a whore on the red carpet, or revealing TMI in Vanity Fair, or mailing in your latest movie, or not respecting who and what came before you, or for trading on your celebrity to get free shit, or for generally being a stupid human being in the public eye and ruining the image of what a movie star should be.

I wish it was just about the work. Or at the very least, your willingness to show a little T & A.

Bangarang! (And Happy Birthday to me.)

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