Samuel L. Jackson

Some first impressions you never forget. The first time you saw Rocky facing up Apollo Creed. The first time you saw Christopher Walken dance. The first time you saw Angelina Jolie’s perfect untainted, un-Billy Bob-ed bumblebee lips in Hackers. Those first impressions help to shape our judgments of celebrities. Some first impressions are good (i.e Hugh Jackman kicking ass in the bar fight in X-Men and signaling there was a new badass in town) and some are not so good (It’s hard to take two-time Academy Award winning actress Hilary Swank seriously when the first time I saw her she was being romanced on 90210 by the be-mulleted Ian Ziering). But once you have that first impression, it’s very difficult to change it.

For me, there has always been one particular first impression that I have never been able to get over. And even though I like the guy a lot (I see his movies, I support his TV show), I can never look at him and not think of one scene from his first major movie.

The guy: Mark Wahlberg

The movie: Fear

The scene: The Rollercoaster Scene

I was fairly young when Fear came out, so besides a passing remembrance of Wahlberg in The Basketball Diaries, the Reese Witherspoon co-starring thriller was my introduction to the man that would be Dirk Diggler. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was before my time, so I never met him as Marky Mark (though that didn’t stop me from calling him that), and I didn’t read fashion magazines so I never knew he was an underwear model. Basically, this guy was nobody to me.

So the movie is going along just fine, Reese is being cute (before she got imminently hateable), Alyssa Milano is rocking her slutty phase and the guy who shot Emilio Estevez in the back in Young Guns 2 is doing a fine job as the over-protective dad. Then Wahlberg shows up, hits on Reese and they go to a carnival. And that’s where things go downhill. I’m sure you all remember the scene. Wahlberg and Reese are strapped into the rollercoaster, things get steamy, and he puts his hand on her leg, works north, and then practically mauls her like a starving rabid dog. And that’s when I thought to myself “Wait a minute, am I really watching Marky Mark fingerblast the chick from Man in the Moon? And also, why he is eating her face?” I was honestly afraid for her life. (NOTE: Movie Title edited as per the many comments pointing out my typo. Always remember, I suck at copy editing.)

You see, Mark Wahlberg has a giant mouth. It’s huge. I’m watching Boogie Nights wondering what the big deal is about his schlong, when I just saw him swallow the entire left side of Julianne Moore’s head. The damn thing freaks me out. So whenever I’m watching a Marky Mark movie, be it Three Kings or The Italian Job, I’m enjoying myself and his performance, but I’m always silently waiting for him to open his hugenormous maw and take a T-Rex size chomp out of the guy blocking his close-up.

And you know what? He’s not the only one. There are a slew of big-mouthed actors out there who freak me out. Watching them do kissing scenes is like watching an “Extreme Animal Mating Ritual” documentary on Animal Planet. Like Minnie Driver hoovering John Cusack in Grosse Pointe Blank, or Jim Carrey planting a full-jawed mauling on Lauren Holly in Dumb and Dumber. It’s the only time I live in fear of an on-screen sex scene. There just so many times you can watch Julia Roberts black out half the screen when she opens her mouth before you start praying Hugh Grant just makes it out of there alive.

In an effort to expose the big-mouthed stars of my nightmares, I have compiled a list of the ten biggest-mouthed stars. But before I unveil the list, let me provide three rules for how I compiled the group:

1. There are no singers on the list. Divas have big-mouths by nature (the bigger to carry that much air, though Jessica Simpson keeps a good lot of hers in her head, too). So you won’t see pre or post-Dirrty Christina, or (famous Lifetime actress and Idol winner) Fantasia Barrino, or Mrs. Lachey, or Steven Tyler. Though you will see one singer, it’s important to note she was an actress before she was a singer (which is how I was introduced to her) and therefore qualifies.

2. I made a distinction between big lips and big mouths. Angelina has the biggest lips in the history of history, but her mouth as a whole isn’t that big, circumference-wise. I’m looking for true diameter here, people! So you won’t see Scarlett Johansson either. Or LL Cool J. Or Mick Jagger.

3. Same goes for stars with big teeth. Teeth have no relation to mouth size. So while the two Hilary’s (Swank and Duff) look like they’re smuggling giant size peppermint chicklets in their mouth, they’re not smuggling them onto this list.

The Ten Biggest Mouths In Hollywood

Honorable Mention: Maria Menounos

Mouth Size: Impossible

Had she starred in a movie or done a few more guest spots on TV I could have justified putting her on the list. I’m going to let my boy A-Train describe the size of the Menounos Mouth: “Her mouth is actually bigger than her head. It extends beyond the sides of her face like a lippy muffin top. I don’t know how it’s physically possible, but it’s true”.

10. Evangeline Lilly

Mouth Size: Big

Talk about first impressions. I’ll always remember her from the pilot episode of Lost where she’s running from the Black Smoke Monster, hides under a tree and starts counting slowly to five. It’s a close-up of her face, with her mouth taking up nearly the entire bottom half of the screen. You needed a wide-screen TV just to stop ABC from having to Pan & Scan. And seriously, why was she so afraid of the monster? She should have just gone out, opened her mouth and growled. Black Smoke Monsters are just like any other fictional animal, you show them dominance and they’ll back down. Either that, or be Mr. Eko. He doesn’t need a big mouth to take down the Black Smoke Monster, he just needs his sweet bible staff, molasses-slow delivery and non-symmetrical facial hair.

9. Marlon Wayans

Mouth Size: Quite Large

He makes a creepy white girl, a creepy baby, and most of all, a generally creepy looking dude. Some comedic actors are famous for being long-limbed and elastic (think Jim Carrey), but Marlon seems almost excessively stretchy. If you think I’m wrong, check out the scene in his first big movie, Senseless, where the camera catches a reverse POV shot of his mouth in one of those fish-eye lens filters that were so prevalent in every rap video in the mid-90′s. It’s like a blue whale sucking in baleen. All plankton (and co-stars) gets sucked into the mouth of Marlon. You’ll never think of him the same way again. Not that you thought terribly well of him before. After all, he did make Dungeons & Dragons.

8. Teri Hatcher

Mouth Size: Huge

I really think Christopher Nolan got it wrong in casting Heath Ledger as The Joker in the next Batman flick. Sure it seems logical to have a one-time gay cowboy / blonde-ringlet sporting jouster / teen heart throb play the most famously sadistic villain in all of comics’ history. But wouldn’t it be more logical to cast someone who actually looks like a cartoon character? I mean, good lord, did Teri Hatcher always look like that, or did she fall into a vat of acid and couldn’t afford a better plastic surgeon? Her smile is literally ear to ear. I’m frankly scared of watching Desperate Housewives now. Who knows when she’ll open her mouth to talk and Eva Longoria will just fall in and disappear. It’ll be like the scene in Hook when the stuffed crocodile eats Dustin Hoffman. “Eva’s gone.” And then all the Wisteria Lane townspeople rejoice.

7. Ryan Seacrest

Mouth Size: Gigantic

When the pictures came out of Mr. Metro and The Teri-Joker making out on a beach in Malibu everyone tripped over each other to call bullshit. He’s gay, this was staged, it was all to pump up his image and get her on the cover of US Magazine (it’s worth noting that he broke the ship off the second the press died down). Me? I could care less about all that stuff. I was more worried that the sounds of their huge-normous jaws clanging together would rupture the earth and we’d have another Northridge Earthquake on our hands. This might be the only time two big-mouthed actors made out and both survived with no collateral damage. Which is more than I can say for that guy Julia mauled in Sleeping With The Enemy. I’m pretty sure he’s dead now. Let’s make sure we keep Seacrest off the set of Lost and away from Evangeline Lilly, or Hawaii may be in for some Godzilla-like trouble.

6. Willem Dafoe

Mouth Size: Enormous

Who knew Jesus had such a large maw? Not only is his mouth quite, quite big, but it’s also freaky scary to boot. I don’t even think he used makeup in that Nosferatu movie he did. They just threw a bald cap on him and said “Go for it!” I’m a big fan of the Dafoe, whether he’s helping out Harrison Ford in Clear and Present Danger, putting leaches on his chest and terrorizing Sandra Bullock in Speed 2, getting a candle wax blowjob and parking garage sushi bar run in Body Of Evidence, or giving a beat down to pansy-ass Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man. The Dafoe is cool. I just wish looking at him didn’t give me stomach convulsions.

5. Samuel L. Jackson

Mouth Size: Gi-Normous

You can’t fault the man for having a big mouth, it’s all the better for sucking enough air in to say all those kick ass 11-letter curse words. Telling someone that “…they deserve to die and hope they burn in hell” is far more terrifying when you see that the mouth alone could probably eat them whole and spit them into their graves. Jackson’s got a great smile, and it’s enhanced by how wide and how long and how diagonal the smile goes. When Sam Jackson laughs you know it, because the area around his body gets 60% darker. When The Man drops a laugh, he creates his own shade. And while you bask in that shade, he calls you a motherfucker. That’s how The Big-Mouthed Man rolls.

4. Rosario Dawson

Mouth Size: Huge-Mongous

You know you have a big mouth when a movie bases its entire marketing campaign around it. Rosario Dawson’s mouth is almost legendary now, what with her half-kissing / half saliva face coating of Clive Owen in Sin City. Not to mention nearly decapitating wee little Colin Farrell in Alexander. Their sex scene was one part erotic, one part torture, and two parts snuff film. No wonder Colin turned to booze and pills. Anything to make him forget the time he spent in Rosario’s mouth. And let’s not even go into her work in Clerks 2. Watching her kiss the lipless Brian O’Halleran was more traumatic then the Jason Mewes tuck scene. She should stick to gnashing on A-list stars and espousing on the joys of dry humping like she did in Kids. That’s how I like to remember her.

3. Mark Wahlberg

Mouth Size: Quite Enor-Huge

Seriously, go back and watch Fear. We were a half-inch smaller Reese Witherspoon squirrel chin from losing the future Elle Woods to the gaping maw of Marky Mark. He just should not be doing kissing scenes with petite actresses. What if he misjudges his approach and ends of chewing on their ear, Tyson-style? He needs to stick with the puffy lippers, as we can’t afford to lose anymore thin lipped beauties. Kissing Charlize Theron in The Italian Job was the safest thing he’s ever done. Her puffy lips created a makeshift damn, thereby containing the Marky Mark Maw. Just think of who he could take out: Christina Ricci, Keira Knightley, Lucy Lui, Anna Faris. We need to stop the starlet swallowing while there’s still time.

2. Alanis Morissette

Mouth Size: Awesomely Huge-Normous

I know she’s a singer, but remember, not only was she on You Can’t Do That On Television (where I first was introduced to her), but she also played God. If I’m including Jesus on this list, I gotta include the big man (or woman, as it were). Alanis’s mouth is big beyond belief. Whenever I see her perform live the microphone looks like it was made to scale. When she opened her mouth and screamed to blow up Ben Affleck in Dogma, the ensuing carnage wasn’t even surprising. It just confirmed my fear of what she and all the other big-mouthed stars are capable of, should we ever truly piss them off. Ever wonder why Alanis-fiancée Ryan Reynolds got so buff so quickly? He was making sure that when the made love she’d have a harder time trying to swallow him. His muscles are a just a mere mouth deterrent. These are the measures one must undertake to survive in a world where at any moment the Morissette Mouth could end us all. I would say pray to God, but that won’t work, because Alanis is God!

1. Julia Roberts

Mouth Size: Gi-Hugenormous-Mongus

You know what the scariest scene in Pretty Woman is? It’s not when George Costanza tries to force himself on Julia. It’s not when Richard Gere picks her up and you think “Wow, Richard Gere just picked up a hooker. I hope this ends up with them falling in love and not him sitting in a free clinic waiting to get treated for genital warts”. No, it’s the scene where Gere gives her the necklace, she goes to touch it and he closes the box on her hand, sending her into a fit of epileptic, giant mouthed laughter. I can’t even watch that scene without my hand over my eyes. The mouth is just so, so big. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that it’s in her contract that she can only be shot with a 70mm widescreen lens, so as not to distort the size of her giant beak. Ever notice that a Julia close-up is never as close up as other actors? It’s because there’s only one Cinerama Dome in the entire world that could fit her mouth on-screen. Ever notice that she only seems to do one kissing scene per movie? It’s because her co-stars are too afraid to shoot a second one. During America’s Sweethearts I was actively begging the screen not to have her kiss John Cusack. He is notoriously small-mouthed, and I feared that one over-exuberant Julia jump would be the end of him. Lloyd Dobler can not fall in the jaws of a hooker with a heart of gold. It just wouldn’t be right.

She will forever be the gold standard for big-mouthed celebrities. Let’s just hope she never makes a movie with anyone on this list, especially Marky Mark. The resulting collision could wipe us all out. Who knew celebrity mouths could be so dangerous?

I did, that’s who.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)