Celebrities are always being credited, or should I say blamed, with starting trends. Jennifer Beals caused a nation of woman to massacre their sweaters, Woody Harrelson made white guys think they could hoop, George Clooney is responsible for the raft of Caesar haircuts that lamed across America back in the 90’s, and so on and so forth. What they do and think, we want to do and think. And usually, it’s pretty harmless. And then sometimes, Sarah Michelle Gellar is involved, and things get… ugly

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

• Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

• Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

• Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

• Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

• SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

• Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

• Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

• Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

• Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

• Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

• Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

• Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

• And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

So LA shook from it’s 2% body fat hinges this morning. After checking on the things that matter most to me in this world: my family, my friends, my 52″ Samsung LCD HDTV, I did what any clear-headed post-quake Angeleno does when our fair city performs it’s occasional Tommy Lee Jones failed disaster flick homage, I went straight to Facebook to read all the status changes.

Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay’s Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.

Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.

So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:

Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ’splosions!!!!

Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.

Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!

Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!

Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.

Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.

Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!

Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!

Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed

Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1

Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.

Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…

Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.

Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.

Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!

Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..

Bangarang!

FREEZE!!!

Why? Did I do something wrong?

What… What? WHAT is that?

Huh? Is there a bee on me?

… no. There’s a FUCKING BUSH on you!

Oh, that. Yeah, it’s my hat. Fab, right?

….

I wore it too piss off that cow, Catrall!

Yeah, but…

And my beard said it would look good.

He would know, but…

Also I’m a little bit insane.

I’m not arguing that with you.

Don’t even try to deny its awesomeness!

It’s just that-

You know you love it!

But, SJP!

LOVE! … IT!

….

….

Fine. Maybe I do.

Neeeeeeeigh! (/bucks hind legs)

Stupid awesome horse making me like her!

Bangarang!

Totally in love married couple, Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, take an evening stroll down a New York city street.

Matthew Broderick: Dear, our dinner was positively delightful. The brioche was exquisite, the tampanade c’est magnifique, and I had what only can be described as a love affair with the ‘90 Chateau Haut-Brion.

Sarah Jessica Parker: (sniffs and rubs her nose) Yeah, I had a good time.

MB: Yes, you were in the bathroom for quite some time. As per usual. I went ahead and had the maitre ‘d wrap up your, ahem, salad, into a foil shaped like a swan!

SJP: Super.

MB: So, um, my wife… you’re looking very pretty tonight. Not at all unsexy to this straight man, let me tell you! Maxim does not know what they are talking about. You look about as horsey as I look effete.

SJP: Aww, Matt! That makes me feel so good. Well, that and the five rails I blew on the sink at the restaurant. But it’s probably equal. I don’t know. So, um, look, are we gonna go home and have sex? Cause we really haven’t done that in six or eight… years. And it would be really nice to know what a man’s touch feels like again.

MJB: You know, I think I may be coming down with something. (fake coughs). Here, feel my palms.

SJP: Ew, gross!

MB: (turns to non-existent camera) The key to faking out the wife is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that impotence is a dead lock, but, uh… you get a horny wife, you could wind up in a sex doctor’s office. That’s worse than having actual sex with a girl. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is marriage.

SJP: That’s ok, sweetie. Another time, when you’re feeling better.

SJP: (narrating) Later that night I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with your secretly gay husband.

MB: So how are things going with post-production on the movie?

SJP: Soo bad! (smokes an entire cigarette in 8 seconds flat, whinnies) Fat cow Catrall is hamming it up in EVERY scene! I can’t even get a bad joke in, edgewise. I hate it. And Cynthia keeps trying to get me to go to lunch with her ugly whale girlfriend, like that’s gonna happen. And oy, the writing is awful. It’s going to be a piece of shit.

MB: Don’t worry about it, I don’t even have a piece of shit movie. I have to envy yours.

SJP: Oh, thanks.

A hot nineteen year-old girl walks up to SJP.

HOT NINETEEN YEAR-OLD: OMG! You’re Carrie Bradshaw! You are my idol! I do everything you do! I string along my country boyfriends, I smoke in front of people that hate it, I’m selfish, ignore my friends’ problems and I have a dysfunctional relationship with a rich, older guy. Can I please have your autograph?

SJP: Of course, sweetie! Unh!

As a force of habit, SJP rolls up the small piece of paper and brings it to her nose. Off the girl’s odd look, SJP makes an obnoxious “oops, j/k!” face, unrolls the paper and signs it.

MB: Would you like my autograph as well?

H19YO: Who are you?

MB: Matthew Broderick.

H19YO: Who?

MB: I’ve been in 50 fifty movies. Election, The Stepford Wives, Inspector Gadget? I just did the Music Man on Broadway…

H19YO: Sorry, I don’t watch gay shit.

MB: Inspector Gadget was NOT gay! He was bionic!

SJP: Matthew, please. You’ve gone to far. We’re going to get busted.

MB: (turning to non-existent camera): A: You can never go too far. B: If I’m gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a girl like this.

MB: I was… (sighs) Ferris Bueller?

H19YO: You’re Matthew Broderick?

MB: That’s right, I’m Matthew Broderick.

H19YO: The hipster king of 80’s teen comedies?

MB: (caught off-gaurd) … that’s right.

Pause.

H19YO: But you’re awesome. Why would you be with this horsey bitch?

SJP: (indignant) Heeey!

Matthew and the Hot 19 year-old give her a look.

SJP: Fine!

MB: Let me tell you something, missy! This right here is a beautiful, charismatic, lovely woman. That I am contractually obligated to spend the rest of my life with.

H19YO: You have a contract? Like Tom and Katie?

MB: No, not at all. Our baby was merely an accident. I confused my anti-depressants with her viagra and she attacked me.

SJP: What my husband means to say is that we have a contract with God. I swear. Swear on Chanel.

MB: That’s right! Now Sarah may have an equine-esque visage, but she is no horse. I have voluntarily seen her naked on at least four occasions and there were no hooves to speak of. Which is more than I can say for Nicole Kidman! I can name close to a thousand women I’d rather have sexual relations with less, than my mannish partner. She is quite handsome and I love her! I love her like a man who loves a woman is supposed to. So you can take you’re… “hot buns” away, or whatever they’re called, and learn to respect your elders.

SJP: But go see my new movie coming out this summer! Eee! (whinnies)

H19YO: Whatever. I was always a Samantha, anyway.

She walks away.

MB: (turning to non-existing camera) Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and she never doubted it for a second.

SJP: (narrating) That’s another reason I love New York. Just like that, it can go from bad to cute to warding off a hot 19 year-old who thinks your gay husband is gay.

MB: What a night!

SJP: I know. (smokes two cigarettes at once, gnaws on a sugar cube)

MB: I am positively a-twitter. Now I know what Nathan Lane must feel like when we’re not together.

SJP: … on stage. When you’re not together on-stage.

MB: … sure.

SJP: So you wanna go home and see the kid?

MB: Not particularly.

SJP: Me neither.

MB: I was thinking about taking a walk into Central Park. Some of the more… out of the way spots. I have nothing to do tomorrow, I don’t mind being a little sore.

SJP: Oh. Well, I was thinking of seeing if Raoul was selling at the fountain. I have ADR tomorrow and you know I can’t fake being sexy unless I’m completely out of body.

MB: I do know that.

SJP: You wanna walk together?

MB: A splendid idea!

SJP: (narrating) The fact is, sometimes it’s really hard to walk in a woman’s shoes… when she’s married to a gay man. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk to go buy coke from a Puerto Rican in Central Park, a little more fun.

MB: (turning to non-existing camera) Yep, life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss getting pounded in Central Park by anonymous black men.

Bangarang!