It’s not often that a celebrity admits when they’re wrong. Scandals come and go, but count how many times you’ve actually heard Lindsay or Paris admit the wrongness of their actions or words. You can probably count the number on your thumb. And even then, the detraction was more than likely court-ordered.

So color me stunned when famed Dawson Leery sloppy seconds lover, Tom Cruise, went on the Oprah Winfrey show last week and admitted he was “wrong” about his comments on post-partum depression. He apologized for attacking Brooke Shields, and expressed his newfound belief that post partum depression can not be cured simply by taking vitamins (though, he did also claim that an Orange Wilma Flintstone vitamin cured him of “abnormal thoughts” back in 1996, so maybe he hasn’t learned that much). He further explained that he felt “pressed” by the media during his couch-jumping, batshit crazy period, and regrets saying a lot of things on TV.

The newly humble Cruise, fresh off the monumental failure that was Lions For Lambs, still plugging his ongoing sham marriage, and desperate for the love we all once had for the diminutive star, ran down a litany of things he once said or did that he now believes are mistakes. I have collected those comments for your perusal. You can judge just how truly sorry he is for the “mistakes” he once made.

OTHER THINGS TOM CRUISE WAS WRONG ABOUT:

• Tom admitted that he was wrong to date Penelope Cruz for two years. Not because they weren’t a happy couple, but because she had only signed a deal to be his beard for 18 months, and the negotiation for the additional six months was pretty onerous. Also, because he could never understand a word she was saying.

• Turns out, all the research Tom claimed to have conducted about drug addiction wasn’t actually factual medical information. It was just an early draft of the Requiem for a Dream script that got left on his desk (in his defense, Jared Leto can be quite confusing).

• Despite his initial fears, luring, capturing and commanding the mind of a teen soap star was far easier than Tom thought. Dealing with Scarlet Johansson, on the other hand, was just as annoying as predicted. He then wished Ryan Reynolds well in navigating that husky-voiced, square-bodied landmine.

• Tom regrets choosing to play a Nazi as his big comeback film; feels it may NOT have been the best vehicle for getting back into the hearts of the American people. In related news, Valkyrie has been delayed a full year while filmmakers try to figure out how to make a Nazi Tom Cruise appealing to anyone beyond the day staff at the Celebrity Center.

• Tom has come to realize, after many moments of soul-searching, that association with Ben Stiller in any form might be detrimental to his already damaged public image. Just ask Owen Wilson (too soon?).

• Electrocuting the most beloved TV personality in the world? Maybe not his finest hour.

• Tom doesn’t view his comments on the infamous Scientology Video as a mistake; he was speaking from the heart, and meant what he said. But looking back, maybe he wouldn’t wear the black turtleneck; that much neck fat should really only be rocked by a Thanksgiving Day turkey, or by John Goodman.

• And of course, he regrets hiring a sex doctor to teach him and then wife Nicole Kidman how to have realistic looking straight people sex for his Stanley Kubrick misfire, Eyes Wide Shut. Though the doctor was able to work through Tom’s awkwardness around the naked female form and successfully get the couple to look like they like each other on film, he was not, however, able to achieve Tom’s ultimate goal of the arrangement: convincing Tom that girls don’t have cooties. Sadly, Katie Holmes must now bath in an anti-cootie solution before and after she comes into the bedroom. And by” bedroom”, I of course mean “mind prison”.

So as you can see, Tom showed much contrition about his crazy antics of the last few years. He clarified comments, apologized for weird behavior and even acknowledged the creepiness of Ben Stiller. But the one thing Tom did not do? The one thing Tom will never agree was a mistake? Putting Colonel Jessup on the stand. He wanted answers. And after all, he was entitled to them! The big question is: can he still handle the truth? At least for today, the answer seems to be a resounding “sort of”.

Bangarang!

Watch the video before you read on!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

International screen hottie and budding hack musician, Scarlet Johansson, recently put a date with herself up for auction on eBay. The sham affair is an effort to raise money for the OxFam charity. Some pathetic Britboy actually dropped $40,000 to win the auction. That gigantic sum of money earns him the right to spend 20 minutes (less time than a sitcom!) with ScarJo at the red carpet premiere of her upcoming romcom “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Wondering just what $40k for 20 minutes with a pretty Hollywood actress gets you these days? Read on to find out…

Minute 1: You’re at the premiere of ScarJo’s new movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and you’re pitting up with excitement in your linty, off the rack tux; you’re about to meet the blonde chick with the big boobs and hot lips from that weepy indie movie you saw that one time because someone told you she shows her ass during the opening credits, and the ass was there as promised and it was fairly nice and easily the best thing about the movie, and you kept that in your head for years, secretly returning there in your happy place when no one was watching, and it slowly overtook you to the point where you voluntarily went to that magic movie she did with Wolverine on the off chance she showed some side boob action during her one-piece bathing suit scene, but she didn’t and the movie was really fucking bad but you forgave her cause in that other movie where she got dead in Britain she looked too fine, and you still worshipped the ass until last year when you heard it was a stunt butt and you were devastated, and then after subsequently snapping out of the years-long reverie you realized she hasn’t been in anything fun to watch beyond The Perfect Score, and that’s only as a goof. And it only cost $40,000 to live that dream.

Minute 2: She’s running late. Smell ya later, $4,000!

Minute 3: There she is, in all her glory. And by “glory”, I mean a frumpy, non-form fitting dress that highlights NOTHING, literally none of her fun bits, because you are a plebe and she’s not an idiot and you didn’t even crack $50k. But she shakes your hand (it’s a pullback shake, where you only get the fingers and half the palm… bitch), and smiles at you and you turn to mush, cause she is a celebrity and you are an idiot.

Minute 4: Awkward silence. Make that money count, boy!

Minute 5: You ask her how her day went. You make a mental note to beat your penis to death later for your lameness. She responds: “Um, nothing. I didn’t do much.” She subtly checks her watch. You have the vague feeling that she isn’t as charming as you’d hoped.

Minute 6: She thanks you for paying so much to meet her, and for giving it all to charity. You believe this is an invite to brazenly eye-fuck her rack. She raises her eyebrows at you, and four huge black guys are immediately five feet away from you and are hungry.

Minute 7: You - “So what’s it like being an actress?” ScarJo – “It’s great. I work with a lot of cool people. It’s fun.” You – “… so what was up with The Island? Boy, was that a pile of shit.” ScarJo – “So what was up with you paying forty grand to meet me? Boy, does that make you creepy.” You – “Riiiight.”

Minute 8: Awkward silence.

Minute 9: You ask her about the short film she’s making. Out of nowhere, a beret and sunglasses magically appear on her head and she begins a lengthy explanation of her composition and mise-en-scene. You become acutely aware of how disappointing you found her to be in The Prestige.

Minute 10: You know, in person, the ScarJo body is not so tight, huh? A bit stocky, right? That’s a $20,000 revelation you just had there, big guy. Next time bid on a latte date with Carla Gugino. It’ll be $35k cheaper and she’ll totally dish on making out with Lucy Liu in that low-rent vampire flick she made last year.

Minute 11: Does she just really need to cough, or does her voice actually sound like that?

Minute 12: You ask her what type of music she listens to. She name checks working with The Jesus and Mary Chain. You have no idea who she is talking about. Why didn’t she say Justin? He’s so dreamy!

Minute 13: Oh my god, there’s Ben Affleck!!! You beg ScarJo to introduce you. She can’t believe you’d rather shake the hand of the star of Gigli than have an awkward conversation with the child star of The Horse Whisperer. But c’mon, that’s a no brainer.

Minute 14: You tell Affleck he was the bomb in Phantoms (yo!). It was literally the best moment of your life. You start wondering why you couldn’t have paid $40 grand to have a beer with the Fleck. Maybe J-Garns would have dropped by and you could have taken a cell phone pic with baby Violet. What a missed opportunity…

Minute 15: ScarJo looks annoyed. You could give a shit.

Minute 16: Kinda bored and thus feeling reckless, you ask about the business with Tom Cruise. She demurs talking about it. Your response: “C’mon! … for charity?”

Minute 17: She tells a completely astonishing tale about her near abduction into the cult of Scientology, her narrow escape from their compound, personality tests flying by her like Indy avoiding the cave spears in the opening of Raiders, and her race to hide from the chasing horde. You are riveted. Tom Cruise is the best.

Minute 18: One more eye-fuck, for good measure. Now you can feel the breath of her bodyguards. They had lemon chicken for lunch.

Minute 19: Awkward silence. Both of you hoping this charade just ends.

Minute 20: She thanks you one more time for being so generous. You put out your hand for one more limp-wristed shake but she gives you a cute smile and pulls you in for a hug. It goes on for maybe 1.5 seconds longer than necessary and at the last moment she gives you an extra tight chest squeeze. The rack feels like overripe lemons being Jamba Juice’d into your torso. It’s uncomfortable, but you’ll still feverishly masturbate to the memory of it for the next decade. She walks away and you follow her ass as she goes. It’s not bad, but it’s no Lost In Translation stunt butt.

Consensus: Twenty minutes of awkward silences, stilted conversation and the briefest of hugs for forty thousand American dollars?

Totes worth it.

(He got to meet Affleck. Recognize!)

Bangarang!

Oh yeah, that’s right baby. Girl, tonight we’re gonna do an interview. You know how I know baby? Cuz its The Today Show, and The Today Show is the show that we interview on. Regis & Kelly is the show we go and plug our charities, but The Today Show is the show that we interview on. Cuz everything is just right, conditions are perfect. There’s nothing good on TV, conditions are perfect. You lean in close and say something sexy like “I really liked working on the movie, especially my personal scenes with Eric Bana.” I know what you’re trying to say baby. You’re tryin to say “Ooh yeah, it’s show business, it’s show business time.”

It’s show business, it’s show business time!

That’s what your trying to say, your trying to say lets get down to show business, its show business time.

Its show business, its show business time.

Thats what you’re tryin to say, you’re tryin to say lets get down to show business, it’s show business time!

Ooh, Next thing you know were in the green room snacking on veggies. That’s all part of it. That’s foreplay. Then you go check your Blackberry to see if your agent called, that’s not part of it but it’s still very important. Then we’re on the set. You’re wearing that ugly black see-thru librarian top that you had on for the Sundance junket you did for your last movie, and it’s never looked better on you. Mmmhh, Sundance junket is not tonight. Oh you don’t know what you’re doing to me. I remove my earbud and don’t hear the producers, but i’ve still got my sleeve mic, but then I turn it into a sexy eye stare. Next thing you know I’m down to just my hip mic and you know when I’m down to just my hip mic what time it is. It’s time for show business. It’s show business time.

Its show buisness, its show business time

You know when I’m down to just my hip mic its time for show business, that’s why they call them show business hip mics.

Ooh, doin an interview, doin an interview with you, doin an interview with you for two minutes. When its with me you only need two minutes, cuz I’m so intense. Two minutes in heaven is better then one minute in heaven. You say sumthing like “Thanks for having us on the show, Matt”, I know what your trying to say, your trying to say “Ahh yeah that’s it”. Then Matt tells us he want to do one more segment. Well I’m not surprised, But I’m quite sleepy.

Its show business, its show business time

Show Business hours are over, baby

Its show business, its show business time.

Bangarang!

So we can dispense with that notion right now.

Today, the LA Times posted an obnoxious, poorly-thought out piece on Box Office Sorority Sisters, claiming that with the moderate opening weekend success of 27 Dresses, Katherine Heigl had officially joined the elusive ranks of women who can open a movie on their own. This, as I stated before, is complete shenanigans.

There are sooo many reasons why 27 Dresses opened to nearly $30 Million over the 4-day MLK weekend. Just off the top of my head…

• The ad campaign that focused on the movie being from the writer of The Devil Wears Prada.

• The involvement of the far more awesome James Marsden.

• A relatable premise (no girl likes to be a bridesmaid).

• The fact that there hasn’t been a straight-up romcom in theaters in nearly a year.

• The face that there is NOTHING else for women to see in theaters right now.

• Men owed their girlfriends and wives a chick flick after subjecting them to four months of football watching.

• Like me, people were going to the movie solely for the purpose of making fun of Katherine Heigl.

And I’d like to point out that 27 Dresses has a 37% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Not exactly the stuff of romcom glory (Juno, in comparison, is at 93% freshness).

So why do we all of a sudden think she’s a movie star? She wasn’t more than a piece of lawn furniture in Knocked Up. I’ve gone on record as saying she was the problem of the movie. Her “prettiness”, or what have you, completely derailed the plot; there was just no way that a girl like her would actively choose to stay with a guy like Seth Rogen. Maybe she wouldn’t have gotten a shmashmortion, but she wouldn’t have dated the guy. Also, the movie was overrated, and I could have done without the three close-ups of the crowning stunt vag.

Adding to this the fact that Heigl is currently KILLING Grey’s Anatomy. Her George-Izzie storyline single-handedly destroyed the watchability of last season and, barring the writer’s strike, would have probably side-tracked the current one. She’s the most grating, self-involved, smug, witless character on the show, and I LOATHE the Pompeo. Patrick Dempsey’s hair is even all “Cool it with the smugness, lady. You’re not that cute! Now where did my Personal Coif Attendant go?”

So where are her star credentials?

Are we going all the way back to her classic work in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, where she disappointed every male viewer by not following in the hallowed footsteps of Erika Eleniak’s gorgeous “popping out of a cake” tittyballs? Or the time when her brief thong flash in My Father, The Hero caused a 13 year-old The Jay to grudgingly sit through a Gerard Depardieu movie because there was no such thing as You Tube back in the day?

The fact is she’s only been likeable or even interesting twice in her entire career. First when she posed topless for a Maxim spread, back when that magazine meant something; and second, her strip foosball scene in 100 Girls, which led her character to mack down with pre-approved hottie Larisa Oleynick. That’s it. Those are the two moments. Everything else she has ever done is forgettable and worthless.

Moreover, opening a romantic comedy in January hardly warrants comparisons to Julia, Reese and Sandra. There have been plenty of It Girls who opened a romcom and were never a contender again. For example:

• Julia Stiles opened Save the Last Dance in January of 2001 to the same amount of money as 27 Dresses (more if you amend for inflation), and she can barely open regional theatre these days. She was the second lead of one of the biggest movies of 2007, does anyone even care if she’s breathing right now?

• Kate Hudson opened How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days to a cool $100 mil, but her combined B.O. grosses for The Skeleton Key, Raising Helen and Alex & Emma (in total: $26 dollars) seem to point to McConaughey being the key to the success. That’s why Fool’s Gold is gonna make a mint. People want to see his abs, not hers. God bless evolution.

• Lindsay Lohan opened Mean Girls and look what happened to her movie career. The drugs and the whoring and the Hilton did her in, but the godawful movies were the coffin she laid to rest in (unless someone out there thinks I Know Who Killed Me was a positive step in her career).

The fact of the matter is that there are very few women who can truly open a movie. This is the list:

• Julia Roberts

• Jodie Foster

That’s it. Everyone else has qualifiers to their successful openers (most of the time it’s due to their male co-stars). Let’s go down the list of the women the LA Times believes are in the “Omega Mega Bucks” sorority (cause THAT’s not setting women back a decade).

Julia Roberts: Pretty much retired. And she has nothing to prove anymore. When she puts out a movie, it’s an event, period.

Reese Witherspoon: Can’t open a movie. Legally Blonde was years ago, the sequel was diminished returns, Just Like Heaven tanked, Walk the Line was Oscar bait, Rendition bombed even with her on-set romance pub, and her current movie, Penelope, has been on the shelf for two years cause nobody thinks it’ll do any business. She’s a big star, but call me when her name and face open a sub-par dramedy above $13 mil.

Cameron Diaz: Aside from being successful at always looking like she just woke up from a three day coke bender, her movies haven’t done jack since before Tom Cruise went batshit crazy (can you even remember that far back?). Also, you’re not an opener when you’re doing romcoms with Ashton Kutcher called “What Happens In Vegas”. That’s just me being real with you.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Can’t open an equestrian show. Failure To Launch was the same as How To Lose A Guy…, the presence of Matthew McConaughey and a V-Day Release Date. Sex and the City will open big, but that’s a brand. Would you really see her in a movie if her co-star wasn’t Wooderson or the Sex girls? Me neither.

Drew Barrymore: If you’re goal is $50 million domestic, then Josie Grosie is your girl. But you gotta pair her with a cute boy to get it. Ever After was a loooong time ago.

Rachel McAdams: Can definitely open a movie… if she ever decides to make another one. Also, if she had starred in 27 Dresses, it would have beaten Cloverfield, and I would have already seen it twice. Warrants mentioning…

Jennifer Aniston: Please! Along Came Polly was Ben Stiller’s flick. The Break Up was sold on Vince Vaughn. Bruce Almighty was Jim Carrey’s show. HER movies, Derailed & Friends With Money, tanked. I watched her for free for ten years, why would I ever pay to see her doing anything onscreen (showing her boobies boobies boobies, notwithstanding)?

Angelina Jolie: Not without Brad Pitt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Not without George Clooney.

Halle Berry: Not without showing her tits.

Renee Zellweger: Not without Bitchface removal surgery. Or a British accent.

Kirsten Dunst: Not without Spider-Man. (Or her being executed on-screen.)

Orlando Bloom: Not technically a chick, but does have a lovely vag, I’m told. No matter, can’t open anything without Johnny Depp, anyway.

It takes years and multiple hits for a woman to attain true movie-opening power. Jodie opened Flightplan, a movie so bad that Jodie Foster would rather admit she scissors her life partner than talk about that flick. Could Heigl open a Flightplan? I think not.

Consider Katherine Heigl’s personality and persona for a minute. Would you really go see her next movie if it wasn’t released in January, where your options are her or a vomit-inducing monster flick that’s sold out? No, you wouldn’t. She’s not opening a dark drama without a bigger male star, or an in-jeopardy thriller (not if Ashley Judd has anything to say about it), the two other genres women tend to do well in. I wouldn’t buy her in a Sci-Fi blockbuster. And there’s eight-trillion other hotties I’d rather see in a Bruckheimer style action flick (Megan Fox, for starters). So what does that leave her? Romcoms? How many more of these are you gonna buy her in? One, two tops? She should ask Mandy Moore or J.Lo what that career path looks like.

The bottom line is that she got lucky with this one. It won’t happen again. So we, and especially the LA Times, needs to cool it with the STAR IS BORN talk. I can’t be convinced to think of Scarlet Johansson as a true movie star and her T&A is faaaar better than Heigl’s. Also, ScarJo never emasculated George O’Malley, ruined his marriage to Callie, and forced me to pray for more Pompeo screentime. Sigh…

Fucking Izzie Stevens!

Bangarang!