Celebrities are always being credited, or should I say blamed, with starting trends. Jennifer Beals caused a nation of woman to massacre their sweaters, Woody Harrelson made white guys think they could hoop, George Clooney is responsible for the raft of Caesar haircuts that lamed across America back in the 90’s, and so on and so forth. What they do and think, we want to do and think. And usually, it’s pretty harmless. And then sometimes, Sarah Michelle Gellar is involved, and things get… ugly

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

• Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

• Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

• Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

• Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

• SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

• Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

• Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

• Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

• Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

• Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

• Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

• Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

• And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

So LA shook from it’s 2% body fat hinges this morning. After checking on the things that matter most to me in this world: my family, my friends, my 52″ Samsung LCD HDTV, I did what any clear-headed post-quake Angeleno does when our fair city performs it’s occasional Tommy Lee Jones failed disaster flick homage, I went straight to Facebook to read all the status changes.

Within minutes of the first squinch of tremor, the statuses arrived. My favorite came from my younger brother, who, as a native of LA and survivor of the 1994 Northridge Earthquake is nonplussed by anything less than a solid 6.0. His status post-quake read: “[The Jay’s Little Brother] was just woken up from the world’s most boring Earthquake.” Let it never be said that the snark gene was isolated solely to my branch of the family tree.

Once I had gone through my group and gained assurance that all concerned were safe and sound, my mind turned to the other important group of people in my life: celebrities. How are they doing post-Chino Hills 5.4? Did their faces shake, too, or did the Botox do its job? Did half the A-list immediately book flights to Cabo for a quickie “relaxation/cheap whores and blow” vacay? I had to know.

So I went around Facebook and checked to see how everyone was holding up. This is what I found:

Michael Bay just found his Act 3 reason for more ’splosions!!!!

Simon Cowell 5.4? How pathetic.

Shannen Doherty wants to take a pen to the Earthquake’s larynx. How FUCKING DARE it make Shannen FUCKING Doherty walk out of step!

Colin Farell in a doorway. Getting head. Tuesdays!

Mel Gibson thinks fucking Jews were responsible for all the quakes on Earth.

Katherine Heigl is blaming the quake on the writers. The Earth wasn’t given enough… material to stay still.

Paris Hilton I had to use the stairs (for the first time EVAR!1!). That’s poor person hot!

Katie Holmes is SECURITY IS DOWN FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES. Get here quick!!!

Keanu Reeves is whoa’ed

Shia LaBeaouf hopes the world stops spinning soon. It’s been 3 dayz alreadys!!1

Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowd he was riding a wave during the righteous planet rumble. gave him a wicked kick to his barrel role. god bless geology.

Heidi Montag is putting on make-up. Totally candid Earthquake Victims Recovery photoshoot in 13 mins…

Sarah Jessica Parker is all shook up in the saddle. Neeeigh.

Brad Pitt knows Angie will think this is a sign to move to Cambodia and buy more brown kids.

Jessica Simpson feels no one told me the Earth could, like, MOVE!

Britney Spears is shaked, ya’ll..

Bangarang!

Shia LaBeouf promised us he was different.

He told us that he was lucky to have his career, to be working with legends like Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford. That he understood the privilege it is being a well-paid movie star. He swore up and down that he wouldn’t do anything to screw it up. We would not be seeing Shia LaBeouf behind bars, doing drugs, getting into fights or getting caught drunk in public, he said. But after getting arrested in a Rite-Aid for being a drunken nuisance, getting caught on film dropping the gay F-bomb and getting bitch slapped, and now, driving drunk, hitting someone and rolling his car, it’s safe to assume one thing:

Shia LaBeouf is a LIAR.

Every promise he’s made in the press, he’s gone back on. He swore that he would not bring down Indy 4, but there he was, swinging on an effing vine like Tarzan, ruining the movie. He swore that after the “misunderstanding” of getting arrested he would walk the straight and narrow, clean up his act, and just focus on his career. And yet, Shia LaBeouf now has a misdemeanor DUI on his record, and a mangled hand. So, yeah…

Shia LaBeouf is a damn fool fibber.

Now we all know Shia is the mayor of Lieville. But what many of you may not know is that Shia’s lies extend beyond his career and celebrity. He’s also a liar in read life. Let me tell you of his many tall tales:

• Shia claimed to be 5′10, but we went back to back and he didn’t even come up to my neck!

• Shia promised he’d make it to my birthday party, but he flaked. Not even a text message to tell me why. Rude bastard.

• Shia claimed he scored 50,000 points on Double Dragon, but only The Wizard can do that!

• Shia said he knew all the words to REM’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It”, but I saw him do karaoke and he only knew the chorus. He screamed out Leonard Bernstein at the right time, but that’s the easy part!

• Shia swore he wouldn’t take any of my fries, but when I came back from the bathroom, they were all gone. I told him “Dude, you have your own plate of fries”! And you know what his response was? “Your fries taste better than mine.” That doesn’t even MAKE SENSE!

• Shia tries to come off like he really knows all 500 of his MySpace friends, but I think he just adds any random person who friend requests him. What a MySpace whore!

• Shia always brags that he can dunk on a regulation hoop, but every time we ask him to show us he plays it off like he tweaked his ankle the other day. Poseur!

• Shia told me he was a Britney fan, but when I checked out his iPod, do you know what I found? All three Christina Aguilera records! That’s just bad taste.

• Shia is ALWAYS bluffing in Poker.

• Shia says his favorite comedians are Patton Oswalt, Richard Pryor, Kristen Wiig and 80’s Eddie Murphy, but I know the real truth. When no one is around, and it’s just Shia and the wind, he likes to sit down on his couch, pop open a Bud Light and watch Dane Cook comedy specials.

• Shia promised it wasn’t him, but as we all know, he who denied it, supplied it.

Oh, Shia!

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIAAAAAA!!!!!

You make me feel like a car crash victim!

Bangarang!