In one of the funnier statements recorded this year that didn’t come out of the mouth of Jonah Hill or another of Judd Apatow’s comedic marionette’s, Steven Seagal, former blockbuster action hero and current beached whale, has gone on record about the FBI investigation into his alleged relation to organized crime. On the matter of the investigation hurting his career, he had this to say:

“False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia,” Seagal told the newspaper. “These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers — and kill careers.”

Basically, he’s claiming that the FBI ruined his career. I’ll repeat that, because it’s important. It was the FBI’s valid investigation into his illegal acts, a procedure no one outside of the entertainment industry even knew was happening, that shuttered his brilliant light of a big screen career. It wasn’t because his acting range extended from one end of a pin to the other. It wasn’t affected by the extra 90 pounds he packed on between Above the Law and Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. It certainly wasn’t due to his proclivity to dress in garish purple kimono’s and fugtastic cowboy hats. And it had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the fact that his movies blew chunks so fiercely that they made Jean Claude Van Damme pictures look like James Cameron master classes. No, it was the FBI asking some questions.

Let’s be real, Seagal was never long for stardom. He squinted more often than Renee Zellweger taking in a solar eclipse. He was unable to convincingly pull off any action scene that didn’t involve him slapping a guy in the face (forget about him running from a fireball, bitch woulda been an extra-crispy chicken nugget inside of two feet). Even though he was the hero, you never wanted to see him mack on a girl (even Arnold, one of the ugliest screen kissers in the history of cinema, at least provided the visual appeal of a godlike physique). Also, the whispering delivery only works if you’re Clint Eastwood. Nothing says enraged hero like muttering your already inexplicable one liners (“Nobody beats me in the kitchen.”).

His early 90’s success came from a dubious connection to then-Super Agent Michael Ovitz (he was Ovitz’s karate instructor), and from a rare boom cycle in the action movie genre. He stumbled into one classically great bad movie (Hard To Kill), and then hit the lottery with the genuinely awesome-tastic Under Siege. Had that movie not co-starred a batshit crazy yet likeable Gary Busey, a desperately needing the paycheck Tommy Lee Jones and Erika Eleniak’s beautacious tittyballs, I doubt Seagal would have seen a greenlight again anywhere but on an street corner. But they did, and because of it’s (earned) success he went on to do a slew of evermore outlandishly terrible action movies that were a showcase for only two things: his increasingly hugemongous waistline, and the audience’s incredulity at watching a dude that big try to keep his blood sugar high enough to stay awake for ninety minutes.

But hey, maybe if the dagnamit FBI hadn’t loused up his good name (that being a wife beater and industry-renowned no-talent douchebag assbut), he would have been given the opportunity to show us a different level. Maybe even a level of open eyes, outside voice, commendable fashion sense, non-husky pant size, and oh yeah, some actual talent.

So just to reiterate, it wasn’t the fact that he cast nebbishy playwright Eric Bogosian as the evil villain in the Under Siege sequel. It wasn’t that he wrote, directed and starred in “On Deadly Ground”, a transparent and excruciating “oil is bad” message movie that had him trying to match wits with Michael Caine (really, oil is bad for the environment? I had no idea. Someone get Michael Moore on the phone, we have his next winner!). It wasn’t that his co-stars degraded from the highs of Jerry Orbach (awesome) and Kurt Russell (double awesome) to the lows DMX (is that a chat room acronym?) and Keenan Ivory Wayans (Keenan Ivory Wayans!). And it’s just not possible it was due to Hollywood giving him ten years to make movies and he producing only one actual hit. No, it couldn’t be any of those reasons. Of course it was the FBI investigation. That had to be what producers and studio executives were thinking about when his name came up on the caller id.

Unfortunately, I just don’t buy Seagal’s claims. He really should have vetted that excuse through a better publicist, because they would have told him it was a worse idea than him playing a respected immunologist in The Patriot (even Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones was a more believable medical pro). Off the top of my awesomely coiffed head I could come up with ten better reasons for why his career took a crap nap. And wouldn’t you know it, I actually did. Maybe if he had used of one these, he’d be getting more sympathy (and possibly a lift out of DTV hell).

1. The discontinuation of Suave For Men Pomade resulted in a fraying of his trademark greasy black ponytail of grease. Audiences could not respect him anymore because of it.

2. The changing migration patterns of eastern-born Swallows caused a disruption in the tectonic plates of the Earth’s crust and subsequently affected audiences tastes towards bloated dudes in caftan’s playing movie cops.

3. If Dolph Lundgren can’t make it in Hollywood, nobody can!

4. Michael Jordan retiring from basketball (the second time). After that, America was just too sad to root for the hero.

5. The gym.

6. Carbs.

7. Having his character die a violent death in Executive Decision gave audiences the exact Steven Seagal experience they had been looking for since he first squinted his way into our hearts. America just wasn’t interested in seeing him alive again.

8. Grey’s Anatomy. Think about it…

9. Al Gore losing the 2000 Presidential race to George Bush. Bush is a HUGE Hard To Kill fan (“You can take that to the bank, Osama bin Laden!”), and NO ONE wants that guy’s support.

10. He… wait for it… wait for it… ah sucks!

It’s just nice that in a summer plagued by shock and scandal (I still can’t wrap my head around The Butterscotch Stallion calling it quits), we can still have a proper laugh at stupid celebrities saying stupid things. Thank you Steven Seagal, for being the bloated, squinty, greasy, wooden, fashionably challenged abortion of charisma and talent that you are (also, you rocked when I saw you in concert. And I don’t mean that ironically. Ok, maybe I do.).

Now go make Under Siege 3; sequels that no one really wants to see starring action heroes that are way way waaay passed their prime are totally in right now. And I promise the mean old FBI bullies will totally say their sorry, and your career will be as big as you can imagine. Even bigger than your jeans (or kimono, whichever travesty you’re beached in these days)!

Bangarang!