Spring is a bad time for the movies. It has the unfortunate combination of battling the leftover blockbusters from the Christmas and the glut of awards season, culminating in late-February with the Academy Awards. Added to this, the studios are prepping their summer tentpoles and can’t be bothered to release anything of quality or even of satisfying spectacle. It’s essentially become the dead zone for American cinema. August is the dog month of the summer movie season, September is the sketchy awards movie gambit month, and everything else from May till December is prime real estate. But January till mid-April is the Siberia season.
Spring tends to have a fairly predictable pattern to it. The worst films on a studio’s docket get released in January, with maybe one or two films defying predictions and making decent returns. February gets a few cute romantic comedies for Valentine’s Day, a couple of horror movies for some good counter-programming, and often a midly interesting genre picture or two. March gets a handful of minor blockbusters, which tend to be either star vanity pictures, or potential big hits that just weren’t strong enough for the summer. And April is a dumping ground for the scraps of the studio system, interlaced with the first of the bigger films of the year.
All in all, it’s not cinema paradise, but it’s usually a solid tide-over until the big guns start rolling out in May.
As far as patterns go, this season has been no different. January gave us the crap: Annapolis, Hoodwinked, Underworld: Evolution and Big Momma’s House 2, with the last two films doing moderately well at the box office. February gave us horror films: When a Stranger Calls, Final Destination 3; it gave us a few genre pictures: Firewall, Date Movie, The Pink Panther; and we got a romcom: Something New. Failure to Launch was supposed to be the big V-Day flick, but the producers got spooked by Paul Walker’s sled dog movie and jumped ship to early March. As it turns out the gambit worked and the film has made bank, but it’s not exactly an inspiring vote of confidence for the film career of SJP or for stoned B-movie star Matthew McConaughey. When you make a romantic comedy and it doesn’t star Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan or Tom Hanks, your purpose is to release it on Valentine’s Day. Anything else and your pointless rom-com has become that much more pointless.
March gave us the minor blockbusters: Inside Man, Ice Age 2, V for Vendetta; and we got the vanity pictures: 16 Blocks, Basic Instinct 2 and Ultraviolet. Say, how come in the last couple years the vanity picture is always a Bruce Willis movie (16 Blocks, Hostage, Tears of the Sun, Hart’s War)? Hasn’t Bruce reached that “Elder Statesman / Cool Movie Presence” level where his movies get special treatment just because he’s in it? I mean Morgan Freeman got there without a major hit to his name, and it’s not like he threw Hans Gruber of the 32nd Floor of the Nakatomi Towers. You know what I mean?
And April tows the line with predictable dumping ground material: The Wild, Benchwarmers, Take the Lead, The Sentinel; and with the first of the big blockbusters: Ice Age 2 and Scary Movie 4.
It would seem that everything is in order, except for one thing: THE MOVIES ARE BAD. Usually we get one or two interesting or even cool movies. Last year we got Sin City, 2004 had Man on Fire, Kill Bill vol. 2 and Mean Girls, 2003 gave me the guilty pleasure flick The Core, and so on. So why didn’t we get even ONE worthy movie in the last three months? I can’t possibly believe that the Spring 2006 movie season will go down in the history books as the time when Eight Below ruled the box office. Paul Walker and some cute dogs, I mean really? Was there anything else, though? Aside from making me laugh with the “Der Burger” scene, The Pink Panther is not exactly comedy gold. Even V for Vendetta disappointed. Yeah, people like it, but the nation as a whole is surprisingly indifferent to it.
(Could it be that the Wachowski brothers aren’t nearly as big a draw as Warner Brothers wants us to believe? Could it be that they aren’t even that good of filmmakers? Could it be that maybe it was not so much the cool concept and execution of The Matrix, then it was the awesomeness of Keanu Reeves that ultimately resulted in the success of that movie? You think about that last point for a while, and we’ll come back to it when A Scanner Darkly comes out and I print my instant-classic column “In Defense of Keanu: Brilliant Actor, Misunderstood Genius and All-Around Good Guy”. Then we’ll really see what’s what.)
So what happened this year? I’m not going to make the generalization that this was the worst Spring season in history. Surely there have been worse years, though none come to mind (2005 wasn’t exactly spectacular, but then again Sin City makes up for a lot of The Pacifier’s.). Cinema has been on a downward slope for a while now, but doesn’t it seem like these last few months have seemed to be especially brutal? I avoided movie theaters like the plague, choosing instead to stay at home and catch up on Oscar movies, enjoy some good television (Except for you Lost, you suck, and I’ll deal with you next week), and watch my adopted UCLA Bruins go on a sweet run through the NCAA Tourney. And maybe that’s what it is. Maybe I am just a prime example of why Spring has become Siberia. There are too many other, better things to do. The NCAA Tournament, the start of the baseball season, February TV Sweeps, mid-season replacement shows (Did anyone catch the license plate on that Heather Graham show? Man that peeled away in a hurry!), and the Oscars are all vying to steal the attention of audiences.
As well, Quality filmmakers balk at the idea of releasing a Spring movie because they know it means their film has no chance come Oscar time. Actors are scared to death of making a January movie because no amount of good press can make people forget that your movie was so crappy that they released it in January so that the money men could clear the books and use it as a tax shelter (Also because no one goes to the movies in January and therefore wouldn’t fault the studio for releasing such a giant POS). Kids are back at school with no vacation in sight, parents are worried about tax time, sports fans have better things to do than watch movies about sports (Glory Road? Come On!), the tabloids get to start hyping their big new year story lines (Brangelina splitting up! Katie Holmes is not really pregnant! Heather Locklear dating David Spade! Wait… what???). Basically, there’s something else going on for every age and demo, and the movies are suffering because of it.
It’s just a bad season, period. It used to be you could look at the release calendar and something cool popped up almost every week. But I look at it today and can’t find a single movie I’m looking forward to until Mission Impossible 3, and that’s only to see what type of reception The Batshit Crazy Cruiser is going to get now that everyone knows he is officially bat shit crazy.
(On a side not, how awesome is it that Tom Cruise is trying to earn goodwill by telling the press that his Father used to beat him? Like hey, Cruiser, Teri Hatcher has that ground fairly well-covered, thank you very much. I mean seriously Tom, get a better publicist, you’re now trying to pull sloppy second publicity ideas from of a once smoking hot but now a tabloid chasing TV actress that looks like Skeletor on a bad day and was recently spotted kissing the gayest straight man in Hollywood besides you, Ryan Seacrest, and people felt bad for him! You were once untouchable, and now you’re reduced to Let me give you some advice, lose the Scientology beat, stop giving Katie Holmes her downer drugs, and go make a good movie. Or, you know what you could do? In the immortal words of Vito Corleone: “You could act like a man!”)
Anyway, back to the business at hand… I’m looking at a month with nothing to see in the theaters. Sure, I’ll go see American Dreamz, Silent Hill and Stick It (Because I’m a glutton for potential guilty pleasure cinema, and because it’s directed by the writer of Bring It On. There’s no possible way I won’t love this movie.), but I’m not excited to see any of them. As a film lover, and one of the few people left in Los Angeles that still likes to “go to the movies”, I crave that feeling you get when you just can’t wait for a movie to come out. I can remember watching the trailers for Kill Bill and just dying, there was no way I could survive the wait for that movie. Back before John Travolta was a cinematic punchline, I would make people in the room shut up during trailers for Face Off. And you can all remember what it was like waiting for The Phantom Menace to come out (though that memory might be tainted a little by how you felt walking out of the theater).
I need to feel alive again about the cinema. I need a year like 1999, when dynamic, thought-provoking and generally awesome movies were coming out every week. I need to look at the summer season and not shake my head at it, knowing I’m gonna be bored to tears with X-Men 3, Pirates 2, Fast and the Furious 3 and Superman Returns. I need to know that this art form that I love, that I give my life to, hasn’t abandoned me; that there is still hope in the movie world, and not just shlock, dripping in every corner. What I want is for someone to ask me what I’m doing this weekend, and for my answer to be, without hesitation, “I’m going to the movies.” Is that so much to ask?
Maybe we should just call a mulligan on the whole year so far. What a shame…
Anyway… onto happier, more snarkier things. Here are some awards for the 2006 Siberia Movie Season:
Best Movie of the Spring: Inside Man
- But this is by default. It should have been A Scanner Darkly, but they bumped it to the summer opposite Pirates 2. Because that’s a good time for geeky counter-programming! It’s like the whole world is against Keanu and I.
Worst Movie of the Spring: Pick ‘em – Big Momma’s House 2, Annapolis, Hostel, Ultraviolet, or maybe all of them.
Most Pleasant Surprise: She’s the Man
– One of these days I’ll have to explain why I am so irrationally in love with this movie.
Least Pleasant Surprise: Underworld: Evolution
– I would have liked to jump on the Underworld bandwagon, too bad I was completely right in thinking this franchise sucks balls. And no amount of hottie Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather jumpsuit can fix that.
Worst Trend of the Siberia Season: Transvestite Movies
- Did we really need to see ANOTHER episode of Big Momma’s House? If it were a UPN sitcom it wouldn’t have lasted three weeks, and they don’t even have anything else to put on! Speaking of, what happened to Everybody Hates Chris? Did that show disappear? Look, I’m down with Madea, with Martin Lawrence, and as much as I loved She’s the Man, I’m down with cute girls dressing as boys. I get it, dressing like the opposite sex is awkward and funny. Good times! I got the point back when Tom Hanks was still a TV star. Can we move on now?
Best Trend of the Siberia Season: No Ashton Kutcher Movies
– What a tremendous breath of fresh air from the oppressive 2005 Siberia Season when you couldn’t go ten feet without running into an Ashton Kutcher movie. It was an Ashtatorship for three months last year. But in 2006, not a Kutcher flick on the horizon, and I feel fine. I don’t have to think about him until October, when he and Kevin Costner get to make a bad movie together called The Guardian.
The So Long, Farewell, Aufvedershen, Goodbye Award: Harrison Ford
– He’s so unfun to watch now that I’m surprised Spielberg is still considering doing an Indy 4. Can’t he see that Ford doesn’t like making movies anymore? He was probably paid $20 Million for Firewall and he phoned the whole thing in. And it was his only movie in three years! It’s not like he was tired and overworked. Quite the contrary, he was actually just bored and drunk. The man’s so grizzled now, he could go probably live with bears and do just fine. And the worst part? We have no one to replace him. We have Rachel McAdams taking over for Julia Roberts; Vin Diesel is taking over Arnold’s spot, and Jake Gyllenhaal subbing in for pre-insane Tom Cruise. But who will replace Harrison Ford?
Biggest Sign of Cinematic Apocalypse: Paul Walker, International Movie Star.
– I guess if a cute dog movie can work for Cuba Gooding Jr. then it can work for Paul Walker. But does he have to be so damn smug about it. He already has the abs, the money and the girls. Does he really need box office credibility also?
The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same Award: Paul Walker, Box Office Poison.
– And The Jay looked to the heavens and said unto the lord (Steven Spielberg) “Why have you forsaken me? What is the purpose for the atrocity of Eight Below’s box office success? How do I go on knowing this has taken place?” And the bearded one responded: “Here is Running Scared, my child. Take this unto you and be calm, for it will suck hard and people with turn their backs on the false idol of Paul Walker. Also, watch my new reality show, On the Lot, premiering this fall on FOX…” And The Jay was calm then, for all was right with the world.
Bangarang!
I hate me some scary movies. This is unfortunate, because The Lady and the best friend can’t get enough of them. I just never saw the point in watching a movie just so you can scream, or jump in your seat. I’d much rather watch a phenomenally cheesy flick like Two For the Money, then sit through any of the intolerable horror remakes we are inundated with each week (House of Wax, The Fog, Amityville Horror, Guess Who?, et al). I don’t like to be scared. I can understand why some people enjoy it, but for me, the movies are supposed to be a land of cool dialogue, happy dreams, and Heather Graham nude scenes. Given the choice, I will always pick against a scary movie every day of the week, twice on Sundays, and three times at any time in late October.
I’m claustrophobic. I can barely handle being in a crowded elevator. I have to sit facing the door of a restaurant just to feel comfortable. So I can barely fathom the thought of waking up in my own coffin. I mean good god! My stomach is doing triple sachows just typing this paragraph. I don’t normally squirm during movies or TV shows, but anytime I see a character digging themselves out of a grave (like Buffy) or getting trapped in a confined space (like the elevator scene in Speed) I slink in my seat like Brodie hiding from a third nipple. 
The face Reese Witherspoon makes when she tries to make Ryan Phillippe laugh in Cruel Intentions. 
That fucker is nasty. I saw him once at Steven Spielberg’s old restaurant The Dive! in Pasadena. He was with his wife, Shannon “Will Strip for Skinemax” Tweed. I was in a booth with the fam, when the KISS frontman stood up to leave, saw me staring, smiled… and unleashed it. It… was… huge. Even from a good thirty feet away it still seemed ginormous. He flicked it at me like a snake, and I nearly pissed myself. No sleep was had that night, and I’ve never been able to enjoy a KISS song since (With the occasional exception of “God Gave Rock n Roll To You”). 
