OK Sly, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I know you think highly of Rambo, and need the film to succeed like your Rocky revival, but this might be a touch to much. I mean really, Che Guevara? That’s how highly you think of Rambo? Che Guevera was legendary freedom fighter who commanded an army, changed the face of an entire nation, and remains an icon to an entire race people (not to mention a go-to poster for freshman sociology majors). Rambo is famous for an incomprehensible speech at the end of First Blood, having a body that looks like varnished mohagany, and for this brilliant exchange of words:

Arab Guy: What is this?

Rambo: It’s a blue light.

Arab Guy: What does it do?

Rambo: It turns blue.

So why don’t we take a step back on canonizing a fictional action hero. Sure, it may make for great marketing, but it’s also an insult to the memory of a truly important historical figure, and it’s close-minded to the history of John Rambo. Let’s not forget that Rambo led a one-man war against a small American town (sure they deserved it, but still), and supported Afghanistan in Rambo 3. Not to mention that he’s a violent killing machine suffering from severe PTSD. Che Guevara fought for the freedom of his people and masterfully rocked a beret. Rambo fought for box office reciepts and meat-headedly rocked a red headband. NOT THE SAME THING.

I’m gonna be there on opening day because I love ya Sly, but let’s dial it down on the nonsense canonization, kay? There’s nothing wrong with a simple poster of you looking ripped and holding a big ass knife. It’s what we want to see, anyway.

Ah, see, MUCH better!

Bangarang!

Apparently, by no sane measure of logic, adding a kid to a movie franchise will liven up a tiring concept and reinvigorate a series for the millions of people who once breathlessly paid to watch the adventures but whom now shrug a collective “meh” to the whole deal. Further, the mere sight of a plucky young boy or girl boldly entering the grown-up fray will reduce audiences to a puddle of mush and insure a long life for the series. It matters not that the series was born and received without the need of a kid, and was probably successful due to not having one. It matters not that the introduction of a kid stunts the natural progression of the characters and swings the emphasis from an adult-oriented storyline to one of beleaguered parents and/or guardians risking life and limb to save said plucky kid from situations that are only necessary because the script called for the damn plucky kid to begin with. It matters not that kid is not so much plucky as he is really annoying. Apparently, all that matters is that people love plucky kids.

This, along with much of how decisions are made, is completely off-base.

Kids do not make movie sequels better. They are merely a signal that the producers have no more stories to tell and are just throwing their hands up in the air and grabbing whatever trite sitcom cliché happened to be stuck to the ceiling. Are you in the third or fourth gratuitous sequel and grosses keep going down? Congratulations are in order, because someone’s having a baby! Let us all rejoice that we can no longer swear or show nudity in the movie because someone decided to drop a precocious eight year-old onto the scene. Huzzah!

I say humbug.

Sure, there are exceptions to the rule (Shortround in Temple of Doom comes to mind), but generally speaking, adding a kid to a movie franchise equals creative death. Such is the concern many geeks across the world are having as news comes in that Steven Spielberg has cast Transformers-loving, Michael Bay explosion-runner-away-from, Shia LaBeouf, in the role of Indy’s long lost son. Regardless of the fact that no one wants to see a younger version of Indiana Jones (If we did, Sean Patrick Flannery would be on his 14th season of The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones and not threatening us with more jittery episodes of The Boondock Saints), the bearded master remains convinced that what audiences have really waited seventeen years to see is Harrison Ford and Sean Connery chasing the plucky kid from Even Stevens across the desert. And we wonder how War of the Worlds went so wrong. He should have just killed Dakota and the jackhole son and let Tom Cruise single-handedly take down the entire Martian army using only his Xenuian mind powers (though it’s not like he was ever gonna off Dakota Fanning. She would have had his hands cut off. It would have been “to the pain”.).

It’s not so much the idea of introducing a kid, as much as what the real purpose of doing so is. For example, the Alien series brought out Newt in Aliens and it was a resounding success. This is because she humanized Ripley, gave her a will and motivation to destroy the Alien Queen, and was the impetus behind the classic line “Get away from her you bitch!” It also helps that Newt had one of the most awesomely adaptable movie quotes of all time in: “They mostly come at night. Mostly.” You can use this quote in almost any situation and it will always get a laugh. If you’re at a bar and someone asks what you want to drink you can say “I mostly drink Heineken. Mostly.” If you’re talking to a date about sex, you could say “I mostly like oral. Mostly.” It always works! Other good uses for the quote:

• “I mostly deuce at night. Mostly.”
• “You’re mostly a bitch. Mostly.”
• “I mostly hate Reese Witherspoon. Mostly.”

Newt rules.

The point is that Newt had a reason to be in the movie. She advanced the Ripley character and provided crucial plot points for the movie. Now on the other hand, take the African American girl from The Lost World who showed up out of nowhere as Jeff Goldblum’s daughter. What did she bring to the movie? What was her purpose? Nothing. She was there to add a kiddy element to the picture. To put her in jeopardy so that Goldblum could be heroic in saving an oh so PC black girl. She was there for that stupid gymnastics routine. She should have been there as raptor food.

Getting back to the point, we already know that Indy can be a good father figure, as we were shown Temple of Doom. And Indy already worked out his daddy issues in The Last Crusade. So the only purpose for having an Indy prodigy in Part 4 is to align Indy with a past lover and potentially settle his personal life. But who cares? We don’t need Indy to settle down. We need Indy to crack Nazi’s in the face with his whip. We need him to ride horses in the desert and blow up tanks. We need him to make “wise choices”. We don’t need to see him playing catch and cheering on little league games. And that’s what it will be, make no mistake. The movie WILL focus on the Shia LaBeouf, and Indy will become a passerby in his own movie. It will be depressing, disgraceful and disrespectful. But most of all, it will be a bad movie.

And if Steven Spielberg and George Lucas don’t believe me, here are some other instances of kids ruining successful movie franchises.

(more…)

As a fun little endcap to all the pro-Oscars, pro-creativity, yay! Hollywood nonsense, here’s a little look at the flipside of awards season. It’s the Golden Raspberry Awards; the only award that no one in Hollywood ever wants, but so many TOTALLY deserve. I figured turnabout is fair game, so here’s a little something I like to call:

Things Overheard on the Razzies Red Carpet…

Marlon Wayans: I suck!

Shawn Wayans: Double-down on the Wayans Brothers suckage!

Hilary and Haylie Duff: Ditto all of that, but replace Wayans Brothers with Duff Sisters.

Carmen Electra: I’m hot! …and sucky.

Kristanna Loken: You’re telling me!

M. Night Shyamalan: I make like I’m smart and creative, but there’s a twist! I secretly SUCK!

Danny DeVito: I’m tiny and I suck.

Martin Short: I’m short, but not tiny. Though I do also suck.

Lindsay Lohan: Not only do I suck, I suck HARD.

Rob Schneider: Do I even need to say it?

Tim Allen: I am a really bad actor. You might even call my work in Zoom suck-worthy.

The Jay: Ok then, it was suck-worthy.

Tim Allen: I walked right into that one.

The Jay: Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll redeem yourself in Wild Hogs.

Tim Allen: Oh ye of little faith…

Nicolas Cage: What’s happening over here? A suckfest? Can I come? I’ll bring my Wicker Man!

Jessica Simpson: I suck too, ya’ll!

Kate Bosworth: I’m too hungry to suck.

Jenny McCarthy: Well as long as there’s sucking involved, count me in!

Uwe Boll: Me too!

Larry the Cable Guy: Total suckage right here!

Sharon Stone: Don’t worry everyone, for as we all know, I suck the most.

Sylvester Stallone: Here here!

Bangarang!

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Consider this…

Keeping in mind film history and tradition, what was the most important film of the year?

If you say anything other than Rocky Balboa you are lying to yourself.

What else would it be? Pirates 2? In ten years no one will care how many box office records an effete Johnny Depp broke. Casino Royale? We switch Bonds every ten years. No matter how blond, buff, grizzled the new one is or how many kicks to the junk he can absorb (like the coach in Beavis and Butthead), Casino Royale doesn’t warrant that much attention. Borat? The movie itself isn’t nearly as fun as the character, who by the way is starting to wear thinner than my 1987 AYSO windbreaker.

The answer is Rocky Balboa. The final chapter in an illustrious film franchise. The return of a cinema icon. The 30th anniversary of a scrappy boxing movie winning the Oscar for Best Picture (and not to get mushy, but also our hearts). The final shot of glory for one of film history’s most successful screen heroes. Even if the film is terrible, you must admit that Rocky Balboa brings more to the table than any other film released this year.

For this, and for the following reasons, Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. Now I’ll admit out of the gate, that as of this writing I have not seen the movie. So this is all conjecture. If the film is terrible, this post will look pretty stupid. But I don’t think it will be (and critics seem to agree). I think it’s going to be the perfect final chapter in one of my favorite film franchises of all time. I think it’s going to be a great last shot from one of my favorite actors. And I doubt that I will love any film more this year, than Rocky Balboa.

More reasons why Rocky should win:

• The original Rocky won the Oscar for Best Picture. Many critics are saying that Rocky Balboa is a spiritual brother to that first film. That it’s a personal movie, not merely a ramp up to a big fight. If it’s being considered a partner to the original film, and the original film won the Oscar, shouldn’t this film at least get a NOMINATION?

• Rocky is an enduring cinematic tradition. And why wouldn’t we honor tradition? The series has been beloved for decades, has entertained millions, brought fathers and sons together, united an ever-broken sports city (Philadelphia), practically invented the formula for the modern day sports movie, and introduced the world to the 2nd most important action hero of the last half decade (the first being Arnold).

• We watch the films with friends. We watch them on Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. We watch the random TNT Sunday marathons from end to end. We listen to the soundtrack to get pumped for the gym, for a meeting, for a big date, or for anything else that requires that extra bit of push only Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” can provide - who doesn’t want to shadowbox after seeing a Rocky movie? For all the things the Rocky movies have brought us, doesn’t this new one deserve some awards consideration?

• Rocky Balboa is the best active movie icon in cinema. He’s like the Brett Farve of the movies. Sure, he may throw a lot more interceptions than he used to. Sure, the young players may look at him like a dinosaur. Sure his cameo in There’s Something About Mary was more awkward than my last Chrismukkah party. But on any given Sunday, he can make you believe.

• Rocky, like Brett, can transport you back in time; to 1985 when you watched him defeat Ivan Drago (”You see? You see? He’s not a machine, he’s a man!”) and single-handedly ended the cold war. To 1982, when you first watched him fight Thunderlips (the ultimate male), and you thought for the first time “Hey, wrestling. That’s cool. I’m gonna go body slam my little brother!” To all the other times you watched the movies over and over again, just to cheer yourself up.

• And besides, he’s all we have left of the old movie icons. Arnold has Governatored himself out of the movies, so you can kiss a T4 goodbye. Mel Gibson has sugartitted himself out of any shot at returning to Martin Riggs. Indy 4 is NEVER going to happen. Eddie Murphy hasn’t said “fuck” onscreen in 15 years, so there’s zero interest in seeing him lace up for another Beverly Hills Cop movie. And as for Bruce Willis? Live Free or Die Hard looks like any other mediocre action movie Bruce has put out in the last decade. And any Die Hard where Bruce doesn’t rock the toupee is not a Die Hard I’m interested in. But Rocky is back doing what we love, and he doesn’t look stupid doing it. It actually looks like a movie that respects the traditions of the character we’ve grown to love so much. It actually looks like a movie made for passion, not another paycheck. Hell, it actually looks like a good idea. So why aren’t we celebrating Sylvester for this triumph? He should get the Oscar simply for not screwing it up.

• Rocky is an enduring metaphor of America and its values. Not to be jingoistic or overly patriotic, but don’t we want to honor a movie like that in a time like this? Isn’t it important to remember the old American ways of grit, determination, hard work and triumph of the will that Rocky so clearly demonstrates? Wouldn’t Rocky Balboa be the perfect film to unite our country, if only for two hours? The Best Picture winner is, if nothing else, supposed to be the most important movie of the year. I argue that for this country, Rocky Balboa is our most important movie.

• Sylvester Stallone wrote, starred in and directed the movie. The Academy loves to see actors multi-task. Here’s a partial list of the movies directed by actors that have won Best Picture: Braveheart, A Beautiful Mind, Million Dollar Baby, Dances With Wolves, Unforgiven, Ordinary People. And another list of films that were nominated for Best Picture: Goodnight And Good Luck, Lost in Translation, Mystic River, In The Bedroom, Life Is Beautiful, Apollo 13, Quiz Show, A Few Good Men, Bugsy, Prince of Tides.

• Stallone is an aging star looking for one final send-off. The Academy, like audiences, eats that stuff up. Look at Clint Eastwood. He was a fading star who decided to go behind the camera, made Unforgiven, and the Academy jumped at the chance to honor a man who had entertained them for so long. Why aren’t we looking at Stallone the same way? Sure, Stallone and Eastwood are not the same. Clint has directed many more well-received movies, and appeared in a great many more. But Stallone has entertained us just the same. I can count at least 10 movies of his that are action classics (the first four Rocky’s, the first two Rambo’s, Cliffhanger, Victory, Demolition Man and most important of all, Over the Top). And don’t forget that Stallone wrote all six Rocky’s and directed four of them, and wrote the majority of his action movies. I think we could be seeing the beginning of Stallone’s Eastwood-phase; all the more reason to honor him the same way.

• The Rocky franchise is fun. Watching Rocky Balboa is going to be fun. When was the last time you had any fun watching a Best Picture Winner? Crash made me want to punch a homeless guy on the street. Million Dollar Baby was a like a two hour wrist cutting. Return of the King was an exercise in ass torture (and felt much more like something we needed to watch, as opposed to something we actually wanted to). Chicago was…well, Chicago. And A Beautiful Mind may have been more depressing than Schindler’s List, but I wouldn’t know because I hanged myself from the balcony of the Cinerama Dome just to avoid watching the third act. The last time the Academy gave its prize to a movie that was actually “fun to watch” was Gladiator in 2000. And before that, was Braveheart in 1996. That’s two out of the last eleven! We’re due for a crowd pleaser. The last thing the Academy wants is to send the message that only dour films have a shot on the grand prize. The winner this year needs to be an uplifting film. And the Rocky movies are, if nothing else, uplifting.

• You can’t watch this trailer, with the incomparable Bill Conti score, the hint of the training montage, Rocky punching the meat, running up the steps and stepping into the ring, and not be excited. To not feel pumped up and ready to go? It’s just not possible.

Seriously, what else is out there that is really worth getting behind? Best Picture winners have a passionate support group behind them. I’m not sure there’s a single movie in contention that everyone uniformly loves, or has any real, undying passion towards. Let’s go through the list:

Babel: Too muddled, too international, too much of a love/hate movie.

Bobby: Directed by Emilio Estevez? Please…

The Departed: Too violent and not nearly as good as Scorsese’s past work (which it is unfortunately being compared to). Marty will finally get his Best Director Oscar, and that will be the film’s prize.

Dreamgirls: Does anyone really want this film to win? If it does, in five years, won’t we all look at the film the way we do Chicago and not remember a single standout thing about it? And there’s also way too much in-fighting going on between the cast. The Academy does not see kindly to that.

Letters From Iwo Jima: Suffers from the baggage of Eastwood’s failed Flags of Our Fathers.

Little Miss Sunshine: The reviews and the box office are the prize for this indie darling.

Pursuit of Happyness: Not even the absurdly likeable Will Smith can drag this schmaltzfest to Oscar glory.

The Queen: A remarkable film, but when was the last time a “British” movie won the Oscar? I’ll save you the time. It was Chariots of Fire in 1981 (which is considered one of the lowest-quality winners of all time).

United 93: Impersonal, not spectacular enough, and trades too much on the inherent emotions of the material.

World Trade Center: We’re all glad Oliver Stone calmed down, but there isn’t a chance in hell the Academy gives the Oscar to a member of the 1st bunch of 9/11 flicks, especially one directed by Stone. A 9/11 film will win the award one day, but not for another ten or fifteen years.

So really, how inconceivable is it that Rocky deserves to AT LEAST stand alongside four of these movies? If the film is good, which a lot of critics are starting to say it is, and audiences fall in love they way they have with the character before, then the film should absolutely be considered for the Oscar. Secretly, if you were watching the Oscars, and saw Rocky Balboa up there with four other movies, wouldn’t you be secretly rooting for it to win? Wouldn’t that be kind of cool? Wouldn’t you rather see a crowd-pleasing movie like Rocky Balboa win, than a Babel? Or a Dreamgirls. I know I would.

Think about how great it would be to see Stallone up there accepting the Oscar for Best Picture. To see his determination to make this movie rewarded. To hear him say stuff like: “This is the greatest moment in my entire career. I’ll cherish this honor. Thank you for supporting me and supporting Rocky for all these years. It means the world to me.” While he tries not to cry? You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to see that? I don’t know about you, but I watch the Oscars for the moments. And the chance to see a moment like that is too great to pass up.

But in reality, the film doesn’t stand a chance. I know that. Academy voters would never seriously consider nominating a sequel to a franchise that has degraded in quality to such a degree (i.e. Rocky V), let alone a fifth sequel.

But they’re kidding themselves.

Imagine you’re an Academy voter. You come home from a long day at the office, and a pile of Academy screeners are waiting for you. You decide to watch one, so you start skimming through them. Here’s what I’m guessing you’d be thinking: “Ok, let’s see, gotta a multi-story drama about isolation, disappointment and Cate Blanchett dying on the floor of an Indian village. Pass. Got a musical starring Jamie Foxx and Beyonce. What else? A two-hour tour inside the minds of the British royal family. No thank you. Whoa, wait, Rocky Balboa? Really? Sweet!! I am SO watching that!”

And you know that’s exactly what would happen. You’d put it in and two hours later you’d be smiling ear to ear and rooting for Rocky to pull it out one last time. And then you’d take out your ballot and vote for Babel, because you suck, and you don’t want to be the guy who voted for Rocky 6.

And that’s just not fair.

If people like the movie, if critics like the movie, if it does well at the box office, why wouldn’t it be thought of as one of the best films of the year? It’s ROCKY for god sakes! Show some respect. I am going to be there on opening day. I’m gonna cheer on Stallone and his last shot at glory. I’m gonna be proud to like the movie. And I will defend its merits till my they pry the bandwith from my cold, dead hands.

Rocky Balboa should win the Oscar for Best Picture. And I defy you to prove me wrong.

Bangarang!

The action movie is dead, or so goes the current popular theory. They say (and we must believe them, for “they” is never wrong), that in a time of war audiences do not want to see things blow up, bad guys shot to pieces, or good prevailing over evil. And with old school action stars Arnold, Sly and Bruce albeit retired from the genre that made them famous, the silver screen is now devoid of a blue chip action star. Well take note, because “they” are very, very wrong.

There is one man out there who has earned the right to take the mantle of “The New Last Action Hero”. The one that can bring back the old glory days of mindless 80’s action fluff. That has the ability to take on fifteen bad guys at once, dispatch them all and deliver a cutting one-liner, all without breaking a sweat. Someone who actually enjoys being an action hero. And it doesn’t hurt that he shares my first name.

Jason Statham is the new, and the one and only, true action star. Think I’m wrong? Let’s go down the list of potential current action heroes and you’ll see that only Statham has what it takes to make it in action.

The Rock - He hasn’t made a movie that anybody at all even cares about. I’m looking right at you, Gridiron Gang.

Matt Damon – A goofy looking white guy that accidented himself onto this list with the Bourne movies. He’s only pretending to take the throne in between his real job as a “serious actor”.

Paul Walker – Has the abs but not the brains, charisma or acting abilities (and yes, that’s compared to Arnold, Sly and Bruce).

Vin Diesel - Well, let’s just say that Bruce Willis never wrestled a duck in any of his action movies. And if he had, he surely would have won the fight.

Matthew McConaughey – By the day, looks more and more like someone who would much rather hit on chicks, hang with one-balled former bicyclers, grow unruly facial hair and cinematically romance daffy blondes, than make a good action movie. Sahara wasn’t bad, but I bet it’s all we ever get from him. He’s a romcom slave now and forever.

Ryan Reynolds – Would be a good action star so long as he never opened his mouth. If that ever happens look for him to be a solid B-movie action guy.

Hugh Jackman – Odds are good the only time you’ll ever see Hugh in action is either in a pair of tight leather pants on a Broadway stage, or in tight leather jumpsuits in an X-Men movie. The man likes being in tight leather. Not that there’s anything wrong with it…

Josh Lucas – Bland, boring, annoying to look at and loses points for starring in a Reese Witherspoon romcom. All that before we even get into Stealth and Poseidon. Let’s just movie on, shall we?

Orlando Bloom – Please!

No, all the actors vying for the action crown are merely pretenders to the throne, too scared to really go for broke in a genre that can provoke unintentional laughs just as easily as it can adrenaline-pumping thrills. Statham can not only bring the funny (check him in any of the Guy Ritchie flicks, but especially in Snatch), but he also brings the badassary necessary to be an action star. He doesn’t primp or pose or seem at all interested in his appearance. He just cares about kicking ass. That’s what I call an action star.

American audiences require five things out of their actions heroes.

1. An inhuman physique
2. A goofy accent and/or way of speaking
3. A cool name that can be wittled down to either just the first name or just the last.
4. Someone who looks cool holding a gun, outrunning a fireball or punching somebody in the face. Basically somebody who looks almost like they could really do all the things they’re doing on-screen.
5. A bare minimum of acting ability (i.e. just enough so that they can tune out the dialogue scenes and only remember the gunfights).

Statham satisfies on all accounts. He’s yoked out almost beyond belief. His body has gotten to the point where it’s now written into his contract that he must take off his shirt at least once in each movie, even when no scene really calls for it (an old Sly Stallone trick). And yet in most of his movies he’s curiously over-dressed, which in a way is almost cooler. He knows how ripped he is, yet hides it until just the right moment. An 80’s action hero mindset if there ever was one.

He’s British, so you have the goofy accent right there. And more power to him for overcoming the fact that he is British and yet still convincing as a pure-bred American action hero. We accept foreign action heroes, just look at Arnold or Van Damme, but we’re curiously apathetic towards Brits. Pierce Brosnan got by because of Bond. Nobody thinks Jude Law has what it takes. Irish Colin Farrell is more fun in dramas where he can walk around semi-drunk with a “Did I nail that extra over there, yet?” face on. And Ewan McGregor didn’t even look right in a Michael Bay movie. When Bay can’t make you an action hero, nobody can. And yet, Statham has succeeded with flying colors. I suspect it’s because he talks as minimally as he can, and he kicks ass whenever possible. We’ll forgive anyone so long as he’s willing to sock a dude in the face at the drop of a hat.

Jason Statham is an OK enough name, but I give him extra points because we share a first name. Lord knows Jason Priestley isn’t doing me any favors right now. Jason Biggs only set me back (the idiot piefucker). And Jason Scott Lee was last seen doing roids and begging Harvey Weinstein to let him be Kato in the defunct Green Hornet movie. So I’m in favor of any actor named Jason that makes me seem at all cool in comparison.

It’s pretty much a given that Statham looks the part. Check out the scene where he takes on six guys on an oil slick in The Transporter, where he fights the villain on a crashing airplane in Transporter 2. Or any scene he did in The Italian Job. When a movie bases its entire marketing campaign around you shooting two guns in mid-air (as it was for Transporter 2) you know you’ve reached a point where audiences believe in your action cred.

The last point is a small bonus, as I think he’s a pretty good actor, all things considered. I even endured the “so pretentious it actually stopped being pretentious and just became dumb” Jessica Biel / Chris Evans talkfest London, solely because Statham was in it. And though he reached his requisite one fist fight per movie minimum, he mostly just talked. And I dug the performance. He’s definitely a better actor than Arnold, Seagal, Van Damme and Chuck Norris (even though Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”). I’d say he’s on par with Bruce Willis. Think about it, they’re both bald, they both try valiantly to rock a believable hairpiece (see Statham in Revolver), they both like to make the dorky quips, and whenever possible they like to take on roles that people wouldn’t expect (see Willis do sci-fi in The Sixth Sense or 12 Monkeys and see Statham do crappy in the Uwe Boll abortion A Dungeon Siege Tale).

You want one more reason Jason Statham is the new Last Action Hero? He actually likes making action movies. Most male actors today are concerned about typecasting, concerned about who they’re gonna nail at the wrap party, concerned about doing that all-important Oscar bait role. Statham, at least on the outset, doesn’t seem to care about any of that. He knows he’s a bruiser. He knows what got him here. He knows what audiences expect from him. And he gives it to them. It’s an honorable trait for an actor to give the audience what they want. Arnold built an entire career behind it. Sure he dipped his muscled hand into comedy every now and then, but he always came back to blowing shit up. Because that’s what he was good at and that’s what audiences wanted to see him do. I’ll see Arnold in anything so long as he whips out a big gun and says at least one cheesy one-liner (“You’re luggage,” is my favorite.) He could be 60 and I’d go see him in Eraser 6: It’s White Out Time.

Statham is the same way. Transporter 2 opened unexpectedly huge; he could have easily changed things up and done a lame comedy where has to protect a bunch of kids or something. But no, he takes a movie that sounds even crazier than his last one. His new action flick Crank has him running around trying to keep his adrenaline up, because if he doesn’t he’ll die (Basically it’s Speed 3, except he’s the bus). So he robs a liquor store, gets into fights, stands on a moving motorcycle, bones Amy Smart in public and fights a bad guy in an open air helicopter. Sounds like good times to me. It also sounds completely ludicrous, which is a sure sign you’re watching a throwback action flick. Fifteen years ago this would have been a perfect Bruce Willis movie.

Jason Statham is just the right guy to slowly revive the dying action genre. We need someone like him to resuscitate the need for mindless action that’s lying deep inside all of us. To forge ahead, undeterred by years of middling box office returns and apathetic audiences. To remind us all that there’s nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than watch a well-ripped guy blow stuff up, shoot some bad guys, say some cheesy dialogue, show no emotion, outrun a fireball and save the girl.

The verdict is in and I find in favor of Jason Statham, the new Last Action Hero.

Bangarang!