It’s not often that a celebrity admits when they’re wrong. Scandals come and go, but count how many times you’ve actually heard Lindsay or Paris admit the wrongness of their actions or words. You can probably count the number on your thumb. And even then, the detraction was more than likely court-ordered.

So color me stunned when famed Dawson Leery sloppy seconds lover, Tom Cruise, went on the Oprah Winfrey show last week and admitted he was “wrong” about his comments on post-partum depression. He apologized for attacking Brooke Shields, and expressed his newfound belief that post partum depression can not be cured simply by taking vitamins (though, he did also claim that an Orange Wilma Flintstone vitamin cured him of “abnormal thoughts” back in 1996, so maybe he hasn’t learned that much). He further explained that he felt “pressed” by the media during his couch-jumping, batshit crazy period, and regrets saying a lot of things on TV.

The newly humble Cruise, fresh off the monumental failure that was Lions For Lambs, still plugging his ongoing sham marriage, and desperate for the love we all once had for the diminutive star, ran down a litany of things he once said or did that he now believes are mistakes. I have collected those comments for your perusal. You can judge just how truly sorry he is for the “mistakes” he once made.

OTHER THINGS TOM CRUISE WAS WRONG ABOUT:

• Tom admitted that he was wrong to date Penelope Cruz for two years. Not because they weren’t a happy couple, but because she had only signed a deal to be his beard for 18 months, and the negotiation for the additional six months was pretty onerous. Also, because he could never understand a word she was saying.

• Turns out, all the research Tom claimed to have conducted about drug addiction wasn’t actually factual medical information. It was just an early draft of the Requiem for a Dream script that got left on his desk (in his defense, Jared Leto can be quite confusing).

• Despite his initial fears, luring, capturing and commanding the mind of a teen soap star was far easier than Tom thought. Dealing with Scarlet Johansson, on the other hand, was just as annoying as predicted. He then wished Ryan Reynolds well in navigating that husky-voiced, square-bodied landmine.

• Tom regrets choosing to play a Nazi as his big comeback film; feels it may NOT have been the best vehicle for getting back into the hearts of the American people. In related news, Valkyrie has been delayed a full year while filmmakers try to figure out how to make a Nazi Tom Cruise appealing to anyone beyond the day staff at the Celebrity Center.

• Tom has come to realize, after many moments of soul-searching, that association with Ben Stiller in any form might be detrimental to his already damaged public image. Just ask Owen Wilson (too soon?).

• Electrocuting the most beloved TV personality in the world? Maybe not his finest hour.

• Tom doesn’t view his comments on the infamous Scientology Video as a mistake; he was speaking from the heart, and meant what he said. But looking back, maybe he wouldn’t wear the black turtleneck; that much neck fat should really only be rocked by a Thanksgiving Day turkey, or by John Goodman.

• And of course, he regrets hiring a sex doctor to teach him and then wife Nicole Kidman how to have realistic looking straight people sex for his Stanley Kubrick misfire, Eyes Wide Shut. Though the doctor was able to work through Tom’s awkwardness around the naked female form and successfully get the couple to look like they like each other on film, he was not, however, able to achieve Tom’s ultimate goal of the arrangement: convincing Tom that girls don’t have cooties. Sadly, Katie Holmes must now bath in an anti-cootie solution before and after she comes into the bedroom. And by” bedroom”, I of course mean “mind prison”.

So as you can see, Tom showed much contrition about his crazy antics of the last few years. He clarified comments, apologized for weird behavior and even acknowledged the creepiness of Ben Stiller. But the one thing Tom did not do? The one thing Tom will never agree was a mistake? Putting Colonel Jessup on the stand. He wanted answers. And after all, he was entitled to them! The big question is: can he still handle the truth? At least for today, the answer seems to be a resounding “sort of”.

Bangarang!

Watch the video before you read on!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

The Butterscotch Stallion is down!

Yahoo is reporting that The Stallion himself, Mr. Owen Wilson, was rushed to the hospital this weekend for an undisclosed reason. He is in good condition now (his shag was touch and go for awhile), and the entire Wilson family is with him (Luke took time off of his busy schedule of eating whole rolls of raw cookie dough and half-heartedly “acting” in whatever romcom Dane Cook takes a powder on). Though Doctors have yet refused to release the reason for The Stallion’s medical emergency, they have thankfully denied that it was an attempted suicide. This is good news, as though Kate Hudson is not a reason to end your life, seeing her date Dax Sheppard right after you, might be.

We here at The Jay are deeply concerned for the well-being of The Butterscotch Stallion and his shag, and hope he makes a speedy recovery from whatever ailment might be befalling him. Though what that ailment is has been quite the topic of controversy. We know it’s not drugs because he wasn’t admitted for “exhaustion”. And we know it’s not an overdose because The Stallion can’t get chemicals in the shag or it will wilt and he’ll lose all his magical powers. So what could it possibly be? Until we hear an official word from The Stallion’s physician’s we can only speculate. So it’s a good thing we love to do that.

Barring his being the first pregnant man since Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior, or it being just a simple burst appendix, here’s what a list of what I think he might be suffering from:

• Some nefarious evil-doer replaced his usual ShowSheen Detangler and Conditioner with Pert Plus and decimated the shag’s volume. The airlift to get him to the Stockholm Shag Restoration Center was not immediately available so he called 911 as a temporary solution. The world’s foremost shag-perts (that would be “shag experts”) are currently in-route. The shag is expected to make a full, luscious recovery.

• During an especially hearty lovemaking session with some random bar scazz, Owen took a blow to the face and was surprised to find that his nose was suddenly perfect looking. Fearing a loss to his quirky good looks rep, he rushed to the hospital so that he could have his nose professionally re-broken. He had the schnozz reinforced with titanium, so now no manner of crazy Stallion sex can dislodge the jacked-up cartilage.

• He got some stray shag hair in his eyes and didn’t know what to do. His usual cornerman, Tyson Beckford, was off on a photo shoot, so he rushed to the hospital to have a top surgeon gently blow on his pupil.

• The Shag ran into Tom Hank’s Hair at a party on Saturday and words were exchanged. There was a fierce debate over just which ‘do was the bigger star and unfortunately, the argument devolved into fisticuffs. Tom Hanks’s Hair walked away unscathed, but the shag wasn’t so lucky. You don’t mess with two-time Academy Award winning hair.

• Tried to remove his underwear before taking off his pants, without remembering that that’s not actually possible. When he pulled it off in Zoolander it was movie magic. Damn sneaky movie magic!

• With his dealer on vacation, Owen finally sobered up for the first time since 2003. It was then that he realized, to his dismay, that making Night at the Museum wasn’t just an especially vivid dream about the time he was a midget and Ben Stiller was 19 feet tall. He immediately fainted from shock (and humiliation), and was taken to the hospital as a precaution. Mentioning of that film in his presence is now strictly verboten.

• On the dubious advice of this ashram community he visited during the shooting of The Darjeeling Limited, he went on an all-Butterscotch diet. The nutrition plan backfired on Day 16 and he was rushed to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. Werthers is said to be in negotiations to acquire the contents of the pump to be used as the base of it’s next batch of Werther’s Original Butterscotch candy treat.

• After watching Al Gore’s The Inconvenient Truth on DVD Owen was so distraught about the plight of the environment that he chopped off the shag in an attempt to lower his own eco footprint. The moment the hair hit the floor he realized the mistake he’d made (he’s from Texas and doesn’t give a shit about the environment), and immediately called 911. World-renowned plastic surgeons Sean McNamara and Christian Troy volunteered to reattach the shag pro-bono. The surgery was tawdry and salacious, but successful. The shag is resting comfortably, but is now brooding over the doctors’ question: “Tell me what you don’t like about yourself”.

It remains to be seen what’s in store for the future of The Butterscotch Stallion’s wondrous shag do. TheJay.com will continue to follow The Stallion’s recovery as news updates.

UPDATE: Multiple reports are coming in that Owen did in fact attempt suicide. Let me then reiterate that this post is meant as a work of humor. Black as night, gallows humor, written before these reports came upon, and still before we’ve heard anything official. I would not have fun made of someone’s attempted suicide, especially not someone who’s work, both in writing and acting, I have admired for so long.

Bangarang!

In many ways celebrities are exactly like Transformers. They may walk through the day in their “civilian” form, but when the time comes they transform into all manner of characters (doctors, lawyers, cowboys, the pervert from Happiness played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman; which should not be confused with the pervert he played in Boogie Nights. Or Capote.). Their livelihood is predicated on the audience believing their transformation. And their ability to do so convincingly is what makes us love them. This is why the success of Michael Bay’s Transformers is not at all surprising. Audiences want to see transformation, whether in celebrity or robot form (it also helps that in robot form they blow a bunch of shit up and fight each other. Also, long lingering shots of Megan Fox’s abs doesn’t hurt.). We want to watch an epic spectacle of people overcoming obstacles, growing up in the face of adversity, finding love, becoming better people, and long lingering shots of Megan Fox’s abs. Transformers has all of those things, plus occasionally big fucking robots fight each other.

Watching the flick got me thinking about what I’d want to transform into. I doubt I’d pick a vehicle, just because I’m not that big a fan of cars, I have no interest to be around other cars (especially on a LA freeway), and I’m not exactly practical should the need arise to transform into my robot self and I got a car full of people (unless I wanted to crush the hell out of them, but then I’d have blood all over my paint job and that’s not cool. You cannot get blood off of leather, I’ve tried.). I’d rather be something cool like the Decepticon who transforms into the CD player. I’m completely invisible in a room, I don’t call attention to myself, I can choose not to play country music and when I want to do some nefarious shit, no one suspects the dinky Sony with the broken six-disc changer to transform into this bad ass little robot that can hack the planet Zero Cool-style. Or maybe I’d just transform into Dakota Fanning, so not only would I be a well-respected young actor with limitless potential, but I’d also be an infamous, exceedingly lethal Master Assassin. Also I’d be blonde, and that looks like fun.

Whenever I pull a J.D. from Scrubs and start daydreaming absurdist pop culture scenarios (like really, where would I hide all my body hair if I transformed into Dakota Fanning? Precocious child stars do not look like tiny manscaped clones of Robin Williams.), I like to extend my imagination into the realm of celebrity. As soon as I started picturing myself becoming the tiny star of Uptown Girls, I was flooded with thoughts about what celebrities might transform into, besides the characters they play on-screen.

Here’s what I came up with (categorized in proper Tranformers good vs. evil groups):

The Celebrity Autobots

• Owen Wilson transforms into a majestic Butterscotch Stallion.
• Matthew McConaughey transforms into a pair of smelly, well-worn board shorts.
• John Travolta transforms into a sexually ambiguous 747 with unreasonably thick hair and no ability to recognize quality screenplays.
• Paul Walker transforms into a less talented Keanu Reeves.
• Keanu Reeves transforms into Dr. Lancelot Ware, founder of Mensa.
• Nicole Kidman transforms into a smooth, contoured block of ice (but can still perform as a kick ass Moulin Rouge hooker, should the need arise).
• Jack Black transforms into the McDonald’s Grimace (and as we know, nothing can kill the Grimace).
• George Clooney transforms into a bulk-size tin of Dapper Dan Pomade (he doesn’t want Fop, he wants Dapper Dan. He’s a Dapper Dan man!).
• Demi Moore doesn’t transform as she’s always in her altered form, that of the Mighty Cougar.
• Julia Roberts transforms into a king-size box of Peppermint Chiclets.
• Sam Jackson transforms into an F-Bomb.

The Celebrity Decepticons

• Tom Cruise transforms into an anti-depressant (irony!).
• Lindsay Lohan transforms into a bottomless glass Red Bull & Vodka.
• Paris Hilton transforms right back into Paris Hilton (why would a Decepticon of her power and magnitude have a need to transform into anything else?).
• George Lucas transforms into an Avid Bay capable of malevolently manipulating your favorite movie scenes of all-time.
• Mel Gibson transforms into a giant, luscious pair of sugartits (that just so happen to hate Jews).
• Orlando Bloom transforms into a bowl of bland brown rice.
• Pamela Anderson transforms into a hyper-virulent strain of Herpes Simplex B.
• Sharon Stone transforms into Sharon Stone circa 1989.
• Steven Seagal transforms into a beached whale. Wait, strike that, he just looks like he transformed into a beached whale. My mistake.
• Dane Cook transforms into a bad joke.

Bangarang!

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It was a mathematical certainty that at some point, due to how she lives her life and treats her body, we would see Lindsay Lohan’s nipples. A Lohan nip slip is quite like an irrefutable equation. A2 + B2 = C2, wherein “A” is the number of times per year Lindsay wears either a bikini or a precariously slinky ensemble, “B” is the number of pictures taken of her every day, and “C”, of course, are her nipples (and not coincidentally, her cup size). The numbers never lie. After two years of hellblazing through the LA Club scene, monopolizing tabloid pages, careening down Celebrity Train Wreck Ave. and foolishly joining the exclusive Celebrivag Display Club, Lindsay Lohan finally embraced her “C” and flashed a nipple while playing in the ocean with her latest himbo, actor Callum Blue.

What was surprising about it was how unsurprising it actually was. I called my best friend and told him about it and he didn’t even flinch. He had just assumed it had already happened (and it had, but that wasn’t a real nip slip so much as an opportune camera angle and a loose-fitting v-neck sweater). As early as three years ago a celebrity of Lindsay’s notoriety flashing her jumbly bits would have made national news. But now, with Britney showing her schnizz, Paris getting down in nightvision, and just about every Celebritard wearing a shear dress on a red carpet at some point in their 15 minutes, Lindsay’s nipples caused barely a blip in the online gossip waters. And for a lover of Celebrity T & A that saddens me.

I miss the days before every minute of every day was caught on film. When pictures like Brad and Gwyneth sunbathing in the nude were passed around in secret, and the possibility of a celebrity going commando and forgetting to close her legs wasn’t even a thought in our heads. I miss being shocked and amazed when a hot female celebrity showed her goods on screen. It’s gotten to the point now when it’s simply assumed that we will see every hot girl’s bathing suit area. Like it’s our inherent right to invade that privacy. Part of what’s keeping Scarlet Johansson in the limelight is her adamant refusal to just relent and whip her top off. She tantalizes us with side boob and mega-cleavage, seemingly fully aware that we males are on our tippy toes waiting for her to slip up (and slip out).

The unwritten rule is that if you choose to be a Celebritard it is your obligation to put your junk on display on multiple occasions. This is a very strict rule. I can’t think of a Celebritard who hasn’t abided the rule and shown skin at some point. Paris, Nicole, Britney, Lindsay, Kim, Anna Nicole (may she rest in peace), Kirsten, Pamela, Sienna, Paris again. The only one left is Jessica Simpson, but with those hugemongous yaboos of hers, it’s bound to happen at some point.

Like I said, it’s just inevitable. Like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. Or Nic Cage making a bad action movie every year. Some things you can count on to happen. We can now add “Lindsay Lohan flashing her nipples” to that long list of inevitability. Frankly, I’m surprised it took so long. You almost have to admire her restraint. But with jailbird Paris hogging the spotlight, Georgia Rule tanking hard at the box office and the paparazzi waging war on her, it was time to unleash the pink ladies.

So with Lindsay taken care of , I think it’s high time we look to the future and take stock of what other inevitable things are due to come true. I’ve compiled a list of inevitable events for your reading pleasure. We can cross them off together as they (inevitably) happen, and not be surprised by any of it.

CELEBRITY EVENTS THAT ARE INEVITABLE

• Nicole Ritchie will put on 10 pounds and People Magazine will immediately put her on the cover celebrating her new “curvy” body. In the story Ritchie will apologize for being a poor role model to young girls and vow to shed light on the dangers of anorexia. Upon release of the issue, Nicole will stop eating for a week, claiming she looked like “a huge fat fatty” on the cover.

• Scarlet Johansson will eventually show her breasts on film. We must all be patient. (Of course she’ll probably pull a Halle Berry and make us wait fifteen years to see them only to unleash them in a wickedly traumatic sex scene between her and an age-ravaged Denzel Washington. The scene will be gross times ten, but the rack will still be glorious!)

• Paris Hilton serving only four out of the 45 days of her jail term, holding a press conference proclaiming her to be a new woman, no longer the racist, vapid socialite we have come to know and not love. Three days later she’ll be seen dropping N-bombs in front of The Standard (while driving away in her brand new Bentley).

• Lost will end in 2010 without a clear answer as to where the island really is, what the hell the black smoke monster was, are they really dead, why Jack turned into such a pompous ass, why Evangeline Lilly was ever attracted to Dominic Monaghan, how Locke regained use of his legs, or who created the Dharma Group. Creators Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse will twirl their evil mustaches, close out their LARGE bank accounts and walk off into the sunset muttering one word under their breath: “suckers”.

• Keanu Reeves will win an Oscar. No joke here, this is really going to happen.

• In an attempt to court critics, Owen Wilson will cut off his glorious shag, donate the hair to charity, and go bald for a heavy psychological drama. The movie will be a disappointment, but the discarded shag will go on to serve as hut roofing for an entire African village. It will have a larger cultural impact than Luke Wilson.

• A celebritard will crash into and kill a paparazzo in a doomed attempt to flee a club. In retaliation, paparazzi will eventually run a different celebritard off the road in an incident eerily reminiscent of Princess Diana. The death of the celebritard will be far more publicized than the death of the photographer. This will create a war between celebrities and the paparazzi with Lindsay Lohan in the King Leonidas role and Harvey Leven of TMZ.com as Xerxes. Kim Kardashian will be the lone celebritard survivor; eyeless and heartbroken, she will spend the rest of her life retelling the climactic battle and honorable death of so many pampered, untalented Young Hollywooders. Miramax will buy the rights to the story and cast Ben Affleck and Matt Damon to star (they put those guys in everything).

• Brett Ratner will direct a critically acclaimed movie. The world will be shocked. As he walks to the podium to collect his Best Director Oscar his body will shake uncontrollably and suddenly burst into flames. It will be revealed that Ratner was really a robot, controlled by an evil genius. That man? Woody Allen

• A very confused eight year-old will stick a pin in Jennifer Lopez’s ass, assuming it’s a very large set of denim balloons. In an odd twist of events, J.Lo’s ass will actually burst sending the diva flying through the air like a deflated balloon. An enterprising children’s book author will subsequently pen a horribly misguided sequel to the beloved book “The Red Balloon”.

• Val Kilmer will continue to gain weight, eventually reaching the size of his former nemesis, Marlon Brando. He will tragically die after he comes upon an uneaten two-day old Subway party sub filled with all the trimmings and proclaim “I’m your huckleberry”. In response, Kurt Russell will hold a press conference, calling out the Subway chain for their negligence. As official spokesperson Jared flees in terror Kurt will yell: “Tell all the Subway execs the law is comin! You tell them I’m coming… and hell’s coming with me!”

• Renee Zellweger, under increasing social pressure, will get a face-lift to alleviate her bitch face. Her subsequent surgically enhanced look will turn out to be the most startlingly beautiful face ever seen on a human. Even Angelina Jolie will weep from its splendor. Her bitter face was actually shielding her awe-inspiring perfection from a society not ready to face such a vision. Renee will dub her new look “Magnum”. But really, I shouldn’t even be talking about it; we’re nowhere near ready to see it.

• On her eighteenth birthday pre-approved hottie and resident hero, Hayden Panetierre, will begin her slow descent into then world of Celebritardism. Within a year she’ll have driven drunk after a night of partying at Hyde, lost twenty pounds but still kept her boobs, gotten married in Vegas to a D-list boytoy (only to have it annulled within six months, Shannen Doherty-style), and fired from Heroes after one to many late arrivals and an odd pattern of showing up pale on Mondays, tan on Wednesdays and orange on Fridays. The show will hire Brittany Snow as her replacement and the ratings immediately improve. Tiffani Amber-Thiessen will call Brittany for a ceremonial passing of the torch. Peter Petrelli will silently weep in a corner.

• George Clooney will settle down and have kids with a moderately attractive non-famous woman. He will become a wonderfully loving, if slightly pudgy, Soccer Dad. Women across the world will simultaneously break out in tears. This will result in the largest man-made flood in human existence, wiping out half the Eastern seaboard and plunging all of Africa into the Indian Ocean. Historians will call this disaster “The Clooney Catastrophe”. Miramax will buy the rights to the story and cast Ben Affleck and Matt Damon to star (they put those guys in everything).

• Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt will grow up to be surprisingly plain. Her abs will be nothing to shake a stick at and her lips will be disappointingly thin. She will have zero charisma and end up a dental assistant for a sub-standard HMO. Suri Cruise will grow up to be a well-respected Cantor for a prominent Jewish Synagogue. Britney Spears’s two kids will grow up to be Cheetos.

Bangarang!

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