The Butterscotch Stallion

Things Overheard: Picture This, Blockbuster Sucks & Steven Spielberg is 60

Dec 20th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
10 comments

THINGS I’M MAKING FUN OF – A RED CARPET EDITION OF PICTURE THIS!

“I’m your HUGE Huckleberry. Is that pie? Cause I could totally go for pie while being your Huckleberry.”

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“Boy was I lucky my anti-aging cream came in time for this premiere. Who would have thought that the same orphans I’m adopting could also be used as pulp for my unholy Immortal Hotness potion.”

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“American Airlines announces it’s hiring of the hottest flight attendant EVER. In the event of a plane crash, please hope you are an empath. If so, please touch the flight attendant for safety.”

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“Hey honey, wanna hear me narrate? Oooh yeah, you like these dulcet tones? Why don’t you come march with my penguin?”

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“The new nose should keep Justin around a few more weeks. Maybe I should schedule a ham flap lift for the Spring. Surfing season is just around the corner…”

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“Good god, is that Jennifer Garner? Whose soul did she suck to get hot again? I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, Ben Affleck is a lucky, lucky man.”

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“Perfection.”

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“I must find Professor X before Magneto destroys Charlotte’s Web!”

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“I hope 50’s flak jacket has reinforcements. Looks like Sam didn’t get fed this morning.”

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“When did Angelina Jolie start dating a Joe Black?”

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“Lose five pounds of hair immediately, or get off my red carpet!”

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“Oh, you like that smile? You forgot how hot I am when I smile, didn’t you? Never forget how many times you whacked off to my nude scene in Mulholland Falls. NEVER!”

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“Physics!”

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THINGS I WILL BE APPEARING ON

Stay by your devices for instant messaging and internet porn this Thursday at 4pm, be they Mac or PC, as I guest host the live podcast “PopLoad” for NowInLa.com. It’s a pop culture show designed to drop a smelly wet one on the celeb shenanigans of the day. Basically, it’s like reading one of my posts out loud. The show is live, so if you want to ask me a question you can call in or text message. I’ll be premiering some stuff from this Friday’s Year in Film Awards post, and maybe even throwing out some trivia questions to the listeners. It’s gonna be fun.

If you miss the show I’m pretty sure you can download the episode afterwards. For more info on the show, click the banner on the sidebar or go through this LINK.

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THINGS I’M LISTENING TO

Here’s what’s kicking up dirt on my iPod these days.

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THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF ABOUT BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO

I went in to the worst video store EVER the other day to rent a few inane, distraction comedies (I needed something on in the background while I wrapped gifts, and wouldn’t you know it, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are absolutely perfect to ignore), perused the oddly spaced New Release wall – why was there an entire section set aside for Americn Pie 5, but only four copies of Brick? – and scored my Butterscotch Stallion fix, then braved the absurdly long line. I ignored the inexplicably slow service and sat patiently while the half asleep guy behind the counter ineffectually went about ringing me up. I drove all the way home, laid out the gifts and wrapping paper, went to put in the movie, only to find that the moron behind the counter forgot to take the security locks off of the tapes, so I couldn’t open either box!

So now I’m in a quandary. Do I get dressed and drive all the way back to Blockbuster just to get the locks pulled off, have a credit put on my account, throw some condescension at a minimum wage tape slag and then drive all the way back home, or do I just say screw it and watch TV instead?

Ten minutes later I was at the store.

I tell the guy he made the mistake, and his response? “Ah, my bad! I’m such a dumbass.” At least he owned up to it. I want a credit for the hassle and he tells me I have to ask for the manager. The manager (a hugemongous beyotch of a woman) makes me wait for nearly ten minutes (which wouldn’t be that big a deal, but I’m on crutches these days, so I only have one foot to stand on, and I’ve been putting it to use for the better part of a day), and when she finally deigns to help me she gives the shit eyes. Like I’m putting her out because her CSR is an idiot? In the immortal words of Erin Brockovich, bite my ass, Krispy Kreme! Don’t give me grief because you people suck at your monkey job; I’m not the thirty year-old working the late shift at a Sherman Oaks Blockbuster Video.

I don’t understand why the entire world hasn’t switched to Netflix, yet. Then again, I’m the same guy who’s astounded that the world rejected the Champagne Punch jellybean, so what do I know? However, I do know one thing: the next time I need a fix of inane Butterscotch Stallion jokery I’ll just pop in my well-worn copy of Zoolander on DVD and save myself the trouble (“You is talking loco and I like it!”).

Also…

Dear Blockbuster Video,

I hope Netflix socks you in the face like the crappy corporate suckhole you are.

Love,

The Jay

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THINGS ABOUT OSCAR

Now this is a campaign I can get behind.

Now if I can only get the Rocky Balboa “For Your Consideration…” campaign going.

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THINGS TO CLICK ON, SPORTS THEMED

- Dan Marino is nothing if not intense. Just too bad he didn’t bring that same passion to Ace Ventura, or he might have had some Oscar talk. Well, probably not, but it might have helped stop all the Razzie talk.

– If you enjoy shuddering at the thought of Chris Berman picking up chicks, today’s your lucky day. Expect “you’re with me, leather” to become a permanent reference here at TheJay.com.

(http://www.deadspin.com/sports/chris-berman/he-could-go-all-the-way-166410.php)

- Here’s my Holiday gift to all my wrestling fan readers out there. Here’s the entire match of Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant from the legendary Wrestlemania 3. Enjoy not getting any work done for the next ten minutes.

– This piece makes me hardcore pissed that HoopsTV.com folded. That was a sick sports blog, before blogs became the norm.

(http://freedarko.blogspot.com/2006/12/and-so-story-goes.html)

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THINGS ABOUT MY HEROES

Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.

There isn’t a person in this country who doesn’t love at least one of his flicks, be it Jaws, Raiders, E.T., Jurassic Park, or one of the other twenty-one. His films touch our hearts, excite our minds and dazzle our eyes. He is responsible for millions of kids wanting to be film directors; and the conductor of an even higher number of childhood playtime fantasies. He was my first inspiration as a writer and budding director. And he remains my favorite creator of movie magic. Even when he makes a movie I don’t like ( like The Terminal) I still find great things in it, like the amazing airport set, which I got to walk through when I worked as an extra on the film (which means I might just love it because I’m visible in two shots of the movie).

To honor the bearded great one, here are ten Spielberg movie moments I love:

- Two moments stand out for me from Jaws: 1. The entire USS Indianapolis speech (“..thing about a shark. He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes…”). 2. When the shark drags the first barrel underwater and Hooper loses him in a chase; I love the quiet moment when Quint stands on the end of the starboard walk ramp, holding his rifle and shaking his head, while the sun sets beautifully around him. It was a look that spoke volumes. We’re gonna need a bigger boat, indeed.

- The over the shoulder pull back to reveal the government base at Devil’s Mountain, in Close Encounters. The first use of what is now known as “The Spielberg Shot”. Often imitated, never topped, it is still the best way to do a reveal on film.

- The scenes of kids trick-or-treating in E.T. As a boy who grew up in The Valley, watching a movie about a young boy and his alien best friend who lived, essentially, around the corner from me (I used to play in the same park as Elliot), brought me countless fever dreams and daytime pretend adventures. The moon shot is still a stunning image, and easily makes for the best production company logo EVER.

- The climax in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indy is hanging off the ledge, desperately trying to reach the grail cup, while Henry tries to pull him to safety. Henry can’t get Indy’s attention, and their grip is starting to falter. Indy’s got mad glory in his eyes, but Henry realizes what’s truly important and gives Indy the lesson our intrepid archeologist has been looking for since we saw him run from the boulder in Raiders.

Henry: Indiana. Indiana, let it go.

That line gets me more than any other moment in the series. A perfect encapsulation of the life these men lead. Man alive, can Spielberg make a movie!

- The trailer over the cliff sequence in The Lost World. So well-choreographed and executed, it comes off like a Gene Kelly dance, as interpreted by Wes Craven. I love the look on Julianne Moore’s face when she realizes what’s about to happen. “Oh shit” never looked cooler on a girl.

- The epic 20 minute storming the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan, specifically the extended sequences done in silence as Tom, slightly deafened from a blast, takes in the violence happening all around him. Arguably the most realistic depiction of war ever committed to celluloid. And the fact that this film lost to a Gwyneth Paltrow romantic comedy makes me sick at both ends.

- The opening credits of Catch Me If You Can, with the Pink Panther-like animation and the John Williams jazz riff. It was a signal that we were not about to see a typical Steven Spielberg fantasy, but instead something far more playful and sophisticated. And it is easily my favorite Spielberg movie of the last ten years.

- “Oh, there you are, Peter!”

- The spider sequence in Minority Report. The creepy mechanical crawlers search the entire building looking for Tom Cruise’s John Anderton (the last time The Cruiser was effortlessly cool on-screen). They can’t detect Cruise because he’s lying motionless in an ice cold bathtub. The last spider is walking away when Cruise lets one tiny air bubble slip out of his mouth. And the spider hears it. The delicate double take of the CGI creature is so smooth, so graceful as to be almost unnoticeable. But let there be no mistake, it is a sly stroke of genius. And serves as yet another reminder why Spielberg uses CGI better than anyone else on the planet. Michael Bay better learn himself an education by next summer. A BIG FUCKING ROBOTS movie needs all the subtlety it can get.

- The first dinosaur reveal in Jurassic Park. Maybe the single best reveal shot of the last half decade. Ellie is going on and on about some indigenous wildlife and Grant turns her head to see what he was looking at and all we see are her eyes go wide. Ellie rises out of the jeep and then BAM, we cut to the most perfectly realized depiction of a prehistoric animal ever put on film. I can still see my Dad shaking in the theater, awestruck by what he was seeing. That’s the type of reaction Spielberg elicits in audiences. He leaves them awestruck; my favorite emotion to have while watching a movie.

And I thank him for giving that to me so many times. Happy Birthday, Sir. We honor you here at TheJay.com. May you continue to create wonder on the silver screen for many more years to come.
For an absolutely fantastic retrospective of Steven Spielberg’s career, CLICK HERE.

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Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good Bangarang!

TheJay.com’s One Year-Old Birthday Blowout Extravaganza Spectacular!

Sep 13th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
18 comments

One year ago today I posted the first article on the re-launched TheJay.com (You can read that first post HERE). It’s been a wild twelve months; a ride that has seen its shares of highs (TheJay.com linked on the IMDB!) and it’s lows (Crash winning the Oscar comes to mind). I have made some great friends through the site (Craig Beilinson for one, who writes the best press junket reports on the net. Or the guys over at Matt Kreiger). I have made some fun enemies (basically any Orlando Bloom, Reese Witherspoon and Renee Zellweger fan). But mostly I’ve had a blast writing about entertainment, and an even greater pleasure of interacting with my readers. I don’t usually do personal posts because this is not that type of blog, but I thought today I’d take you behind the scenes of TheJay.com to show you what the year was like for me.

I launched with a completely different attitude, style and direction than I have today. At the time I was hoping to post 4-5 small posts per week, or about one a day. They were going to be more news-based, similar to the 5,000 other gossip sites that cover the latest La Lohan shenanigans (And while we’re on the subject, seriously Lindsay, put some underwear on. There hasn’t been a celebrity whose cootata we wanted to see less at this point.). So I’d cover the happenings of entertainment, but also intersperse non-time sensitive pieces about whatever I was passionate about that day. This all worked well and good for about a month, when I realized I didn’t have the time to write 1,000 words a day on topics that are being covered more thoroughly and with better pictures, elsewhere (egotastic, defamer and the superficial come to mind). So over the course of the next few months I slowly moved the site to being less news-oriented and more feature-based. I liked the topics more, I had more time to devote to the individual pieces, and I felt like the site became more unique.

The problem was that my post count dropped dramatically. I went from writing 11 posts in September to writing just 5 in October and 7 in November. Over the last year I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I will never be as prolific as other bloggers. I have too many other things going on in my life to pump out more than 8 posts a month. On the other hand, those eight posts average 2200 words each, so my content volume is probably the same as your average 25 post per month blog. Also, the topics I cover are fresher, and the pieces themselves are deeper in their examination. Basically, you get more by getting less. Unless this site starts paying for my entire life (which I doubt it ever will), you can expect two posts per week at best.

In January I made what some would consider an ill-fated decision to cover the Oscars for a straight month. Eight posts all devoted to the Academy Awards. I even posted a schedule. Bad idea. My computer crashed, I was in a job search and the last thing I wanted to do was talk more about Reese Witherspoon winning an Oscar (shudder). So lesson learned: I will never again post a post schedule. I may allude to things I’ll be writing about (i.e. everyone in the world knew I’d write a Keanu Reeves piece this summer, and you bet you’ll be getting an Emilio Estevez piece when his movie Bobby comes out), but I will never outright tell you when to expect them. Because I will never come through; I abhor deadlines, and they hate me too.

After the Oscars the site faltered for a while as I tried to figure out my next move. My numbers were slowly increasing (they doubled from March to April), but I couldn’t figure out what you all wanted to read. I was picking up the fact that you preferred celebs over movies and movies over TV, but I couldn’t seem to deduce what it was about my writing about movies and celebs that you liked. I wrote some ill-advised pieces about more time-oriented subjects (shudder, Siberia Season, shudder). And I wrote some funny ones that turned out better then I deserved (Ten Sequels I’d Like To See). But ironically, it was my first celebrity target than helped me to move the site in the right direction.

The third post I ever wrote was called “Kenny Chesney Immune To Bitchface”, where I railed on the “fake” marriage between Chesney and Renee Zellweger. A lot of people got upset at me for calling her names and being so mean and hateful. Those people are obviously wrong. As my boy A-Train likes to say “What’s the internet for, if not to slander people anonymously?” In response to the backlash I wrote a piece called “Renee Zellweger Doesn’t REALLY Have a Bitchface”. And over the first seven months of TheJay.com Renee became my target du jour. I slammed her every chance I got. But then in March my Mom asked me to write her a Mother’s Day piece where I was nice to Renee, and I took the challenge. The piece turned out pretty good (read it HERE), but what was better was the reaction from my readers. My numbers went up after I posted the piece. And from that I learned this: highlight a celebrity and talk about something that makes them unique. And from that point on I tried to focus my posts on someone or something, specific.

That practice culminated in early May when I was on the treadmill and was trying to come up with ideas for what I wanted to say about The Da Vinci Code. I don’t care about religion, I didn’t really like the book, and the controversy had been covered ad nauseam by the mainstream press. What I kept thinking about was Tom Hanks’s Hair, specifically how much it sucked. And it got me to thinking about his hair over the years, and I realized that it has always sucked. And thus “Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair” was born.

Up until that point I hadn’t tried to market or advertise the site. For one reason or another I didn’t think I had written anything worth making a fuss over. But the Tom Hanks piece turned out really good. I happened to chance on the blog site for Vh1’s Best Week Ever and sent the editors a link to my piece. They liked it and suggested I submit it using their “Drop It” feature. A day later Best Week Ever wrote an entry on their main page about my piece and TheJay.com got it’s very first shout out. That was the last time my site was anonymous. Less than a day later the piece has been picked up by more than ten other blogs. A day after that I signed on to my stat program to see that I had jumped more than 18 GB in over a day! And since the most bandwith I had ever done in a single day before that was 200MB, that was a HUGENORMOUS boost in traffic. As it turns out, Ebaum’s World had put my piece as one of their Daily main page links, AND College Humor listed in their Hot Links section. Those two links started a wildfire of hotlinking, and before I knew it I had done 80GB in traffic in just over two weeks, had more than 60,000 new readers, and saw my site get listed on the Alexa Rankings for the first time (at number 1,300,000). I had sites in a dozen foreign languages reprint my post. I had 100 comments before I even knew it (when my previous high had been 9). The traffic request crashed my server; I had to upgrade the size of my hosting plan five times in a week (Big thanks to Greg Swaney at Nexcess.net for his patience, understanding and awesome deal making. To this day, I’m glad to be a Nexcess customer). This post had put my site on the map. What was I going to do for a follow up?

The answer, in short, was Keanu Reeves. I had long since been a fan of The One, and had been defending him to my friends and family for years. After seeing the success of writing about a quirk of a celebrity near the time of the release of their new movie, I knew it was time to write a Keanu piece, in time for his new (quality draining) Sandra Bullock weepfest The Lake House. So on June 6, 2006, late in the evening I posted “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”. It was a great piece that highlighted the forty reasons why Keanu was cool, and I was extremely proud of how it came out. I went to bed a happy man, and with a feeling like this post was going to do good things for TheJay.com. Boy, was I right. By the time I checked my stats the next morning, I had already done more than 5GB of traffic (in less than 10 hours). Apparently, an enterprising reader put a link to the post on Reddit, which prompted an outpouring of support for the two time Ted “Theodore” Logan. The piece shot to the top of their most liked chart, landing it on prime real estate for browsers. And just like the Tom Hanks piece before it, the Keanu piece started a wildfire. I got posted on Keanu fan sites, got picked up on Gorilla Mask, on MSNBC.com, on USA Today and Whitney Matheson’s Pop Candy, and on a bevy of smaller personal blogs. Now, I was not only on the map, I was also a destination reading spot.

Over the next two months, this story got repeated multiple times. From “What’s Hiding In Owen Wilson’s Shag” (which was linked on the front page of the IMDB) to “A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts” (which almost got me in trouble from the Associated Press) to “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” (which nearly got me crucified by ignorant fangirls), the readers and the links kept coming. Less than four months after the Tom Hanks’s Hair piece, I have welcomed more than 250,000 people to my site, and seen my Alexa ranking soar from 1.3 million to 100,000 (I’m now rolling with the big boys of the Top 100k). Last September I had less than 500 unique visitors in the entire month. This year I expect to receive more than 50,000. And I hope to make at least a third of them laugh just once.

I want to thank everyone that has been such a great help to me over the last year: A-Train, The Lady, Tim, the family (but especially my Mom for giving me several much needed guilt trips about not posting enough), Greg Swaney, Attu, Spencer Sloan, John Walkenbach, the guys at Best Week Ever, College Humor and Gorilla Mask, and most of all myself, for being such a witty, witty bitch. I have a lot of great new stuff coming over the next year, including:

1. A redesign (Pimp the new in-development logo up at the top of the post. Let me know what you think in the comments section.)
2. Merchandise (t-shirts, hoodies and underoos coming soon…)
3. An official MySpace page, where you can be my friend (tempting, I know).
4. Podcasts (TheJay, coming soon in Stereo!)
5. Much, much more (I don’t really have a fifth thing planned, I’m just anal about having a nice round number.)

So stick around and enjoy the sarcasm and Reese Witherspoon insults. You won’t be disappointed. For your reading pleasure I’ve provided a breakdown of the site below. It’s everything you eve wanted to know (or probably didn’t care) about TheJay.com. Enjoy!

TheJay.com: A Stat Breakdown

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Total # of Visits: More than 375,000

Total # of Unique Visitors: More than 265,000

Total Bandwidth: More than 300GB

Average # of Readers Per Month: More than 22,000

Average # of Readers Since May: More than 52,000

Biggest Month: July 2006 – 75,000 Unique Visitors, 1,430,000 Hits, 60GB

Biggest Day: August 24, 2006 – 17,000 Unique Visitors, 310,000 Hits, 18GB

Alexa Ranking on May 1, 2006: 1,300,000

Alexa Ranking on September 13, 2006: 100,856 (A 1,300% jump in just four months)

Total Number of Posts: 77 (An average of 6 posts per month. Who says I’m not prolific?)

Total Number of Words Written: More than 160,000 (Good lord, I could have written a book in 160,000 words. And you know what the title would have been? “Tonight at The Jay: Everyone Gets Laid”. It’s tasteless, disgusting, offensive, and the best PCU quote.)

Total Number of Comments: 840

Total Number of Links: 373 links (and counting) from 166 blogs

Best / Coolest Links: IMDB, EW, Pop Candy, Ebaum’s World, College Humor, Gorilla Mask

Most Popular Post: Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair

Most Controversial Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It

Most Overlooked Post: Tie:

- Ten Sequels I Would Love To See
- Recasting a Classic: Princess Bride

Worst Post: Tie:

- Siberia Season
- Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

My Favorite Post: Tie:

- Rachel McAdams Is The Next
- 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers
- Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
- A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts

My Least Favorite Post: Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

Funniest Post (per capita): Tie:

- Tearful Celebrity Apologies
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

Longest Post: The Jay’s 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!!!

My Favorite Posted Picture: The Jake Gyllenhaal Salute

Most Commented On Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
– 291 Comments (and counting)

Biggest “The Jay Is An Idiot (more than normal)” Post: The Case For: Brokeback Mountain, Best Picture Oscar Winner

Biggest “The Jay Is So Smart He Might Actually Be A Prescient Being” (aka The “In Your Face, I Was So Right!” Award) Post: The time I told everyone I knew that King Kong would disappoint at the box office (but neglected to write it down as proof of my awesome forecasting powers).

Number of Swipes at Reese Witherspoon: More than 12 (don’t worry, I’ll get this higher next year)

Biggest “Friend of TheJay.com”: Robot Hand Is The Future, who has taken to linking every post I do, despite it’s quality. Thanks man!

Worst “Friend of TheJay.com”: Defamer – Would it kill you to link to me just once? Selfish, link-hoarding bastards (said completely out of love)!

Number of Unwarranted Cracks at Innocent Celebrities: Trick question, nothing I say about celebs is unwarranted. I’m harsh, but I’m right.

“Smartest” Post: Tie

- Breaking the Release Bubble Of Hollywood
- Royal Rumble: Movies vs. Marketing

Meanest Post: Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?

Most Kiss Assy Post: I Saw Fiona Apple At The Wiltern And You Didn’t (I had to acid burn my nose just to get the smell of freaky musician ass of my nose.) (P.S. Your welcome for that visual.) (P.P.S.S. Fiona, your awesome; you too KT Tunstall, while we’re at it!)

Most Annoying Reader (s): The ten people or so who keep stealing my columns and reprinting them in their MySpace blogs without my permission. Screw you, thieving jackasses. Respect the Creative Commons liscense, bitches!

Most Awesome Hate Comments:

1. From the Tom Hanks Piece: rougy: Are you serious? Are you for real? Are you that petty and superficial? Here’s my grade for snarky diva websites who blow the miniscule out of proportion: F–

2. From the Tom Hanks Piece: The Dominator: Suck my dick this is horrible the guy is a complete shmuck fuck u and tom hanks get a life douche bag.

3. From the Tom Hanks Piece: Amy: You’re a moron. Plain and simple.

4. From the Owen Wilson Piece: shaia: ok, first off, this is the lamest thing i have ever read….Are people really that jealous of a star? do you NOT have anything better to do?? Did you truly get paid to write this? it is a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of probably someone brilliant talent of working for a newspaper (The Jay’s note: My readers are so eloquent. And have the best grammar.)

5. From the Orlando Bloom Piece: Victoria: Ok, I am an Orlando Bloom fan & I thought what you said was very rude, mean & Arrogant. If you don’t like his movies then don’t watch them or are you too stupid to do that because from your article it kind of sounds like your (sic) a complete moron anyway. You’re free to express your opinion but doesn’t make it right now does it. I so happend (sic) to like Pirates of the Caribiean (sic) Dead man’s chest, I didn’t like it, in fact I LOVED IT. You should quit your day job because you don’t know what you’re talking about by the way Troy too was a good movie, I liked it so much I bought the DVD. I think he is a a very talented actor. so all I have to say is nobody likes Jerks, it’s not a good trait. You’re just a jealous hater who has nothing better to do then to put down someone that’s doing better then you. Have a Great day! (The Jay’s Note: Again, let me call out how intelligent and well-written my readers are.)

Most Awesome Fan Mail Comment:

From Tearful Celebrity Apologies: Tony: Hey dude, dis is sum funny shit.

(Ed note: This is all I hope to hear from my readers. I’ve had more effusive fan mail, but this one sums it up best. Keep it coming, Tony. If you keep reading my funny shit, I’ll keep writing it.)

Thank you everybody, for reading and supporting this tiny, sarcastic, uber-witty, ultra-insightful, totally relevant, exceedingly important, humble website. It is much appreciated.

Bangarang!

What’s Hiding in Owen Wilson’s Shag?

Jul 12th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
62 comments

While watching the ads for You, Me and Dupree this week I couldn’t help at marvel how big Owen Wilson’s shag haircut has become. It was pretty manageable in Starsky & Hutch, a little ungainly in Wedding Crashers and full on out of control in Zoolander, but it’s become something out of this world, now. The shag has become so glorious it reminds me of Marge Simpson, who sometimes hides things in her big blue beehive doo. And that got me wondering what types of things Owen Wilson could hide in his hair, if he were so inclined. So I made a list.

Here are some things I think are hiding in the majestic blond locks of Owen “The Butterscotch Stallion” Wilson’s shag cut:

- Change for the bus

- Deleted scenes from I Spy that make the movie good (Well, not good, but maybe less bad).

- A map to the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body.

- The box office grosses for Superman Returns.

- The thimble from my Monopoly game.

- The long in development (but secretly completed) Guns N’ Roses album “Chinese Democracy”.

- The original prints of Episodes IV, V and VI. George Lucas leaves them there for safe keeping. Also because he’ll never need them.

- Naked pictures of Bea Arthur (it helps to keep him centered).

- His car keys

- The Playboy Magazine that had Kristy Swanson in it (Owen is a huge fan of Mannequin 2: On The Move.).

- Nuclear launch codes (He’s hiding them from Bush. The Butterscotch Stallion is a devout pacifist.)

- Extra cartilage for his nose.

- Two perfect, white calla lilies (And they in no way make him appear at all less manly.)

- Jared from Subway’s lost 100 pounds of body fat (It keeps the Stallion’s head warm in the winter.).

- All the socks that have ever been in lost in a washing machine ever.

- A printout of his imdb page. The Stallion is nothing if not career driven.

- Rosebud

- The secret password used by members of The Frat Pack (He’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with “coop tokes are honey”.).

- More shag

- A list of e-mail passwords for all his ex-girlfriends (The Butterscotch Stallion is sneaky sneaky.).

- Pam Anderson’s first set of implants (Owen collects whore memorabilia.).

- Emergency butterscotch

- Ben Stiller jism (Kept in a protective container with an unbroken seal and a seven-digit anti-decryption password. It must not get into the hands of the Russians!).

- 17 No. 3 Pencils (Little known fact: Owen does not know how to operate a pen. He’s tried several times, even attended a Learning Annex course, but it never took. He just can’t do it.)

- Suri Cruise

- The first draft of the Warren Report (the one that said Kennedy was killed by a drunk driver).

- Fourteen empty peanut shells. Many have mistaken the shag for a trashcan.

- Seven returned engagement rings. The women all loved him, but they weren’t IN LOVE with him.

- The island on Lost (Owen is a secret benefactor of the Hanso foundation.).

- Elvis, but only on Tuesday’s (The King rotates daily between famous celebrity hairdos. Word has it he stays in Lenny Kravitz’s fro on Thursdays, Paul Giamatti’s beard on Sundays, and Oprah’s minge on all Jewish holidays.).

- Three baby parakeets. The mama mistook the shag for its bird nest and Owen hasn’t had the heart to tell her it isn’t. The Stallion is nothing if not compassionate to all God’s creatures.

- The answers to a sophomore year math quiz that he forgot about, and as a result, failed miserably (The Butterscotch Stallion can not add.).

- A helipad, though he rarely allows choppers to land. It’s only for extreme emergencies.

- Peter Pan’s shadow

- The legendary 40,000 Atari cartridges of the E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial videogame (He’d go ahead and play the game, but alas, Owen does not own an Atari. His Mom got him a Sega Genesis for Christmas by mistake, and Owen subsequently became obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog and shunned all things Atari.).

- A list of 10 reasons why Kate Hudson is so famous (And either he won’t show them to anyone, or they secretly all begin with, “Her Mom is Goldie Hawn.”).

- Dandruff

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

Do You Speak Vince Vaughnese?

May 31st, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
31 comments

Vince Vaughn is arguably the most quotable actor in movie history (with Val Kilmer coming in a close second). In only ten years and fifteen movies (I discount his dramatic movies because, like Rocky 5, they were all a dream and never really happened; especially Domestic Disturbance), he has established himself as the go to star for kick-ass cultural-swinging dialogue. From “You’re so money” to “Earmuffs” to “Lock it up!”, his lines have changed the way we converse, the way we think and the way we speak. He has reached the point in his career where his every line of dialogue is a laugh waiting to happen. Vaughn has garnered such tremendous audience goodwill that as soon as he opens his mouth we are waiting to love what he has to say. No matter if he’s playing a scoundrel (which he was in Wedding Crashers) or a lovable loser (Dodgeball) or even an assassin (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), we cannot help but root for him. When Vince Vaughn speaks, we listen, and we love every word.

It’s almost as if he’s created a new language, one defined by witty quips and cutting rejoinders. Think about this for a second, if you had to create a new language, one that would be accepted across the globe and universally recognized, what would it be? It would be movie quotes. Everyone loves them, there isn’t a person alive that hasn’t adopted a movie line into their own speech (Mine is “You’re killing me Smalls”, and if you don’t know where that’s from than I suggest you press the little red “X” at the top of the window, because you don’t belong here.), and if everyone started talking in movie quotes, the world would be a funnier, more dramatic and more romantic place to live.

Like the English language deriving mostly from Latin, our new movie quote language has to start somewhere. If I were to choose, I would want our Latin to be Vince Vaughn. He’s the only actor alive whose quotes can be used for all spectrums of speech, and are widely recognized as some of the funniest, smartest and coolest in movie history. His quotes would and should be the basis for our new language. Let’s take a look at how we will develop our new movie quote language, Vince Vaughnese.

Most people think his quotes are primarily about scoring chicks, and that’s almost fair. After all, he is the man that brought us these gems:

Vince Vaughn On: Honesty (Swingers)

“There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.”

Vince Vaughn On: Playing The Odds (Old School)

“Well why don’t you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Lucky (Dodgeball)

VV: “There’s someone out there for everybody.”

Owen: “You think?”

VV: “Absolutely. In some cases, there’s two somebody’s for one person. I like to call that “the jackpot”.”

But look past his “Trent from Swingers” personality and you’ll see that the man is a treasure trove for lines about how the world could be made into a better place to live. Take for instance his stance on some of the major social and political problems plaguing the world today.

Vince Vaughn On: Gun Control (Swingers)

“People get carjacked.”

VV: “Who’s gonna carjack your fuckin’ K-Car? He’s right Sue you don’t need to carry a gat!”

Vince Vaughn On: Breaking Stereotypes (Wedding Crashers)

Owen Wilson: “Don’t waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.”

VV: “Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.”

Vince Vaughn On: Exploration (Old School)

“Well, Columbus wasn’t looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.”

Vince Vaughn On: Spirituality (Wedding Crashers)

VV: “Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?”

Gloria Cleary: “What?”

VV: “That we’re all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I’m one with everyone – with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from ‘What’s Happening,’ the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We’re all one.”

Vince Vaughn On: Acceptance (Be Cool)

“I’m just sayin’ if that’s what this is gonna be, it’s gonna be that.”

Truly, Vince Vaughn is a man who believes in a better world, and our new language should respect his beliefs.

And it’s not just social ills that his quotes can be rallied around. Raising children is an important part of life and Vince is no stranger to Fatherhood. He has spoken out on Family Values on multiple occasions, and those speeches have come to be some of the most influential words of wisdom that this world has ever seen.

Vince Vaughn On: Parenting (Swingers)

“Our baby’s all grown up.”

Vince Vaughn On: Marriage (Old School)

“Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.”

Vince Vaughn On: Bad Language (Old School)

Luke Wilson: “I’ve had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.”

VV: “Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say “earmuffs” to him, and you can say anything, “Fuck, shit, bitch.”

Vince Vaughn On: Family Life (Old School)

“I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?”

Vince Vaughn On: Having Your Mom’s Back (Anchorman)

Champ Kind: “I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!”

VV: “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”

So we’ve seen that Vince Vaughnese covers Family Life, Socio-political issues and Chicks, but it goes even further still beyond those areas. After doing some research on the subject I have found that Vince’s words can extend to the field of sports:


Vince Vaughn On: Physical Skills (Wedding Crashers)

“You and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer!”

Vince Vaughn On: Knowing Your Own Skills (Wedding Crashers)

“John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I’ll make it rain out here.”

Vince Vaughn On: Water Sports (Wedding Crashers)

“Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What’d you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes sputtering motorboat noise] You motor boating son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?”

His words can extend to the field of Physical Development:

Vince Vaughn On: Death (Old School)

“Don’t beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It’s not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That’s what old people do. They die.”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Older (Be Cool)

“Nice ass won’t get you through your whole life. Once you turn thirty you better have a personality.”


Vince Vaughn On: Body Art (Wedding Crashers)

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.”

And the field of Business:

Vince Vaughn On: The Entertainment Industry (Swingers)

“Everybody steals from everybody, that’s Hollywood.”

Vince Vaughn On: Business Tactics (Old School)

“He’s playing hardball. And I got to admit. I’m impressed.”

Vince Vaughn On: Party Planning (Made)

“Here’s what I’m gonna ask of you… We’re going to be spending the night in New York, so it worked out well for all of us. I want you to take it back to the business class, I want you to round up a couple of honeys… At our hotel room we’re gonna have kind of a pool party. California gangster-style, you know what I mean? Kick ass pool party thing.”

But who are we kidding? The basis of any new language is not how we speak about the challenges we face in our daily lives, but in the way we communicate we each other. The way we talk to our friends; the way we treat other people. Even before the birth of Vince Vaughenese, the traditional English language was adopting his quotes to use as definitions for friendship and communication. You in fact may have used one or two in the past. These quotes were the main arbiter in the birth of Vince’s language, the catalyst for the need of a Vince-specific method of speaking, and most of all, why we think he’s so goddamn funny.

Vince Vaughn On: Helping Friends (Wedding Crashers)

“A friend in need is a pest.”

Vince Vaughn On: Being a Good Wingman (Swingers)

“Look at this, OK? I want you to remember this face. This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.”

Vince Vaughn On: Giving A Friend Some Confidence (Swingers)

“I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.”

Vince Vaughn On: Betrayal (Wedding Crashers)

“I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!”

All good languaticians (I just made that word up) know that the specialized words and phrases we make up with our friends are what constitute a real language. Being able to personalize speech and create unique ways of saying ordinary things is what makes a language popular. This is how Vince Vaughnese will truly reach widespread, global popularity. For instance, if you were proud of your friend and wanted to tell him in a cool way how you feel, you could say: “Good job man, way to go. You’re kicking ass.” but that would still be kind of lame. Let’s see that same phrase in Vince Vaughnese:

Vince Vaughn On: Compliments (Swingers)

“You’re so money and you don’t even know it!”

And if you were at a party and somebody asked what you did for a living, you could give some boring answer like “Hi, I’m The Jay, I’m a stock broker”. But c’mon, really, wouldn’t the conversation be so much more fun if you used a Vince Vaughnese-ism, instead?

Vince Vaughn On: Being Who You Are (Clay Pigeons)

“I’m Lester. Lester the uh, molester.”

Moving to the most important part of language, communicating with the opposite sex, we find that this is the area Vince Vaughnese-ism excels at the most. It’s fairly common knowledge that in the last decade Vince has redefined the dating scene and male/female relationships. From changing the time men take to call women (“Six days‿), to what men call women (“beautiful babies”) to even where men go to find women (“All right, all right I’ll ask her. Miss, miss! Do you know where the high school girls hang out around here?”), Vince’s relationship-based movie quotes have established a new set of rules, one’s that will make Vince Vaughnese the linguistic touchstone for which all twenty-something’s will go to pray. Let’s take a lesson from some more of Vince’s views on sex, dating and relationships.

Vince Vaughn On: The Secrets of Flirting (Swingers)

“All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.”

Vince Vaughn On: Respecting Women (Made)

“Here’s 50 bucks, take this in case I get drunk and call you a bitch later.”

Vince Vaughn On: Enjoying the Nightlife (Wedding Crashers)

“Go out there and get some strange ass!”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Over A Breakup (Wedding Crashers)

“She hasn’t answered your calls, she didn’t respond to any of your letters, she didn’t respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. ‘Cause she didn’t keep it, and I know you’re not raising the goddamn thing. I think it’s very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you anymore.”

Vince Vaughn On: Obsession (Wedding Crashers)

“I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.”

Vince Vaughn On: Dating (Wedding Crashers)

VV: “Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”

So now you can see that the language of Vince Vaughnese successfully covers all aspects of life, and if used in conversation can make you smarter, wiser, funnier, more confident and just plain cooler. But let’s ask one final question to determine if Vince Vaughn is truly worthy of naming and conceiving a language around. Does it make you a better person? In English I could describe myself in a multitude of ways, all designed to make me feel better about who I am, and more attractive to other people. Can I do that in Vince Vaughnese? Let’s find out…

Vince Vaughn On: Goals (Dodgeball)

“I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya… it feels phenomenal.”

Vince Vaughn On: Discipline (Wedding Crashers)

“Lock it up!”

Vince Vaughn On: Pessimism (Wedding Crashers)

“Please don’t take a turn to negative town.”

Vince Vaughn On: Labels (Wedding Crashers)

“I’m a cocksman!”

Vince Vaughn On: Standing Your Ground (Wedding Crashers)

Owen Wilson: “He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!”

VV: “Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!”

Vince Vaughn On: Excuses (Wedding Crashers)

“Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”

I think we can put that question to rest. Truly, the language of Vince Vaughnese can do anything. It can help you find a boyfriend or girlfriend, it can help you raise a family, it can help you live your life smarter and come to accept the course of human events. It can get you laid. It’s the perfect language. In a world where movie quotes are the new social currency, Vince Vaughnese is the Benjamin, the high water mark, the only language you wanna speak. Besides, wouldn’t you rather sound like Vince Vaughn than just about anyone else?

It’s All Deadly!

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Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

May 22nd, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
7 comments

Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!


The $10 Buck List

Jan 16th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
1 comment

It’s human nature for people to let you down. There’s no way that all your friends and family can please you all the time; that someone could be there for you when you need them, every time. And we must resign ourselves to this fact, so that we can begin to care for and about them, despite their shortcomings. The beauty of entertainment, however, is that certain talents can always entertain you. Whether it be through their personality, or charisma, or beauty, some actors transcend to become the people that never let you down and are always there for you (Though your friends and family are no less important just because Morgan Freeman is always there for me, while my best friend is not. In other words, you suck A-Train. Why aren’t you more like Morgan Freeman? You’ve never once offered to narrate my life.).

There are cities of good actors. And there are boatloads of actors that have turned in a good or fun performance here or there. But only a select group of people are good all the time, and turn in a good performance, every time. They rise above bad material, they raise their game in the company of greatness, and they always seem to make you laugh, or smile, or cry, no matter what the project is. More specifically, they are the group of actors that you are always willing to spend your hard earned money for. They make up something I like to call “The $10 Buck List”.

In coming up with my list I realized that I needed to be put a few ground rules in to ensure that I had the right actors. I mean just because I think a particular actor is fantastic, doesn’t mean I’ll see everything he/ she does (Gary Oldman). And just because I’ve seen everything they’ve done, doesn’t mean I think they were good in all of it (Will Ferrell or Ben Stiller are both good examples.). So here are the rules for being on “The $10 Buck List”.

Rule #1: They can not have been bad in any movie you remember seeing them in, especially their bad movies.

For example, Ashley Judd is in a ton of bad movies, but she’s usually the best thing in it. And then came Twisted, and BAM, she was off the list.

Rule #2: You would willingly see them in any movie they are in, just because they are in it.

What I’m talking about here is that you see a trailer and it looks unimpressive. Then, say, Jack Nicholson shows up and immediately you sit up in your seat. You’re starting to smile, you got some good adrenaline pumping through you, and when it’s over, you turn to your friend and go “I am so there!” Unless the mere sight of them inspires good will in the movie, then this rule does not apply.

Rule #3: No one hit wonders. Automatic four movie minimum to make the list.

Zach Braff is a perfect example of this. He was fantastic in Garden State, and I do plan to see his next few movies, but it’s too early to tell if he’ll keep my loyalty.

Rule #4: You can’t look at their IMDB page and be surprised.

This was a late addition to the rules after I made up a rough list and then had to throw the majority of them off because I couldn’t remember or hadn’t seen half the movies they’ve been in since the start of the millennium (i.e. Robert Duvall, Sarah Polley, Halle Berry, Eddie Murphy, Bruce Willis, Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, et al.).

So after several drafts, several actors, and a few surprises (Where did #13 come from?), I have finally compiled my treasured group. The keepers of my ten spots. In other words, the exclusive members of The Hamilton Club (He’s on the ten dollar bill. Try to keep up).

The $10 Buck List a.k.a. The Hamilton’s

1. Morgan Freeman – Obviously the top of the list. He earned his goodwill with The Shawshank Redemption, Glory, Bruce Almighty (Rule #1), Kiss the Girls (Rule #2), Sum of all Fears, and about 30 other movies I’ve seen just because he’s in it. Not to mention he’s the best movie narrator in the history of cinema. He could narrate a Paris Hilton movie and make it a sure-fire Oscar contender. He’s that good. Morgan Freeman has my money until he retires.

2. Gene Hackman – A surprise number two that lofted to the top because of Rule #4. I’ve always liked him, but when I looked at his IMDB page I realized that I had seen eight of his last ten movies, and loved him in each one (I even saw Runaway Jury just so I could see his scene with Dustin Hoffman).

3. Jack Nicholson – An obvious Rule #2’er. Would you ever skip a movie that Jack Nicholson was in? I mean, ever?

4. Jeff Bridges – The Dude has my good will from a string of solid performances, capped by his transcendent role in The Big Lebowski. I’ll put it to you like this, I sat through the god awful Seabiscuit just for him, and I HATE Tobey Maguire.

5. Cate Blanchett – She’s not my favorite actress, she hasn’t made classic films, and she hasn’t accrued a tremendous amount of goodwill yet. But damn if she’s not fantastic in every single movie she’s in (The Aviator, The Gift, Pushing Tin – Rule #1, The Missing – Rule #2).

6. Tom Hanks – He never takes a day off, he has career-making hair, he never slums in bad movies (Even The Ladykillers was directed by the Coen Brothers, how was he to know it would be a disappointment?), he’s often great (Catch Me If You Can) and he’s occasionally brilliant (Saving Private Ryan, Castaway). Like Morgan, Tom will have my money until he retires (Unless I see a few too many Terminals and a few too few Road To Perditions, then I may reconsider.).

7. Owen Wilson – I can’t believe he beat out Vince Vaughn for this spot, but then I looked at Vince’s resume and realized why (Has anyone ever seen Blackball, Domestic Disturbance or The Prime Gig? Yeah, me neither). Even though Owen has the IQ of a career stoner, he’s always enjoyable, he’s always having fun and he works with other Hamilton’s, which helps his cause (Freeman in The Big Bounce, Hackman in The Royal Tenenbaums and Behind Enemy Lines).

8. Rachel McAdams – Like I wasn’t gonna have her on the list. She’s got my money for as long as she wants it. Hell, she might be the only charter member of The Jackson Club (He’s on the twenty dollar bill. Just making sure you’re all paying attention.).

9. Edward Norton – Superb actor, and a pretty good director (Keeping the Faith). After Fight Club and 25th Hour, I’d follow him anywhere. Even to Kingdom of Heaven, where I couldn’t even see his face! Talk about loyalty.

10. Kate Winslet – She had me on the ropes with Titanic, and she knocked me out with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And even though I didn’t see Finding Neverland (Because of my unjustified apathy towards Johnny Depp), I wanted to because she was in it, a clear case of Rule #2 if there ever was one.

11. Daniel Day-Lewis – He only makes a movie like once in a blue moon, but it’s an event every time, and he’s always the best thing in it (Gangs of New York).

12. Julianne Moore – I’ve loved her since Safe, and that love has brought me with her throughout the years, up through 2004 when I sat through the crapfest The Forgotten just because she starred in it. And if her excellent work in The Hours wasn’t enough, she went ahead and ruled in Far From Heaven. Count me in to see her new movie Freedomland, despite the presence of the anti-Hamilton Samuel L. Jackson.

13. Seann William Scott – Where did this one come from? Oh yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen all his movies, and liked him in all of them. He’s the best part of the terrible Dukes of Hazzard. He’s the only good thing in all the American Pie movies that isn’t Shannon Elizabeth’s breasts. And he made me laugh in The Rundown, Old School, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Road Trip and Evolution. We’ll just forget about Bulletproof Monk, so I can stay right about him.

Honorary Addition: Keanu Reeves – I can’t in good conscience leave my man Keanu off the list. I would go to war for the one-time Ted “Theodore” Logan, and have in the past, as I’ve seemingly fought with every one of my friends over the merits of Neo himself. I have said it before and I will say it again, loud and proud: I will see any movie that Keanu Reeves is in, no matter what.

The IOU List a.k.a. The Aaron Burrs

Like good has evil, like light has dark, so do the Hamilton’s have their Burr’s (Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton. Thus endeth the lesson). These five people give me so much grief from their film choices to their acting choices that I have vowed not to see a movie if they are in it. Heck, I won’t see it just because they are in it. In short, they have screwed me too many times to ever get the right to see my money ever again.

1. John Travolta – How far the mighty do fall. Be Cool was the final straw for Johnny T; I would have forgiven him Basic, Lucky Numbers and Battlefield Earth, if only he had just pulled through with the sequel to Get Shorty. But he had to go and fumble and fuck it up, and now the man that I so revered in Pulp Fiction will never make a movie that I will pay for, for the rest of his years (Unless a Hamilton is in it, then I have to see it).

2. Ashton Kutcher – Do you know how you lose all your goodwill from the underrated The Butterfly Effect, Ashton? You go and remake a Sidney Poitier movie (With yourself in the Poitier role. The arrogance of this guy!), and then you stoop to do an Amanda Peet romcom and thereby solidifying yourself as an actor I have officially given up on. You suck.

3. Jennifer Lopez – Even five years ago I would have thought that J.Lo was on her way to an Oscar. Now, you couldn’t pay me to see Monster-in-Law (But I did. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!).

4. Kate Hudson – Stop making movies. Nobody likes you. Give me my two hours back from that P.O.S. The Skeleton Key.

5. Jimmy Fallon – One word: Taxi.

So that’s the list of the good and the list of the bad. I urge you to come up with your lists and present them to me so that I can tell you you’re wrong. Because after all, this site isn’t called EveryoneElseIsRight.com, it’s called TheJay.com. Respect.

Bangarang!


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