THINGS I’M MAKING FUN OF – A RED CARPET EDITION OF PICTURE THIS!

“I’m your HUGE Huckleberry. Is that pie? Cause I could totally go for pie while being your Huckleberry.”
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“Boy was I lucky my anti-aging cream came in time for this premiere. Who would have thought that the same orphans I’m adopting could also be used as pulp for my unholy Immortal Hotness potion.”
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“American Airlines announces it’s hiring of the hottest flight attendant EVER. In the event of a plane crash, please hope you are an empath. If so, please touch the flight attendant for safety.”
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“Hey honey, wanna hear me narrate? Oooh yeah, you like these dulcet tones? Why don’t you come march with my penguin?”
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“The new nose should keep Justin around a few more weeks. Maybe I should schedule a ham flap lift for the Spring. Surfing season is just around the corner…”
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“Good god, is that Jennifer Garner? Whose soul did she suck to get hot again? I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, Ben Affleck is a lucky, lucky man.”
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“Perfection.”
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“I must find Professor X before Magneto destroys Charlotte’s Web!”
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“I hope 50’s flak jacket has reinforcements. Looks like Sam didn’t get fed this morning.”
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“When did Angelina Jolie start dating a Joe Black?”
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“Lose five pounds of hair immediately, or get off my red carpet!”
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“Oh, you like that smile? You forgot how hot I am when I smile, didn’t you? Never forget how many times you whacked off to my nude scene in Mulholland Falls. NEVER!”
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“Physics!”
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THINGS I WILL BE APPEARING ON
Stay by your devices for instant messaging and internet porn this Thursday at 4pm, be they Mac or PC, as I guest host the live podcast “PopLoad” for NowInLa.com. It’s a pop culture show designed to drop a smelly wet one on the celeb shenanigans of the day. Basically, it’s like reading one of my posts out loud. The show is live, so if you want to ask me a question you can call in or text message. I’ll be premiering some stuff from this Friday’s Year in Film Awards post, and maybe even throwing out some trivia questions to the listeners. It’s gonna be fun.
If you miss the show I’m pretty sure you can download the episode afterwards. For more info on the show, click the banner on the sidebar or go through this LINK.
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THINGS I’M LISTENING TO
Here’s what’s kicking up dirt on my iPod these days.

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THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF ABOUT BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO
I went in to the worst video store EVER the other day to rent a few inane, distraction comedies (I needed something on in the background while I wrapped gifts, and wouldn’t you know it, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are absolutely perfect to ignore), perused the oddly spaced New Release wall – why was there an entire section set aside for Americn Pie 5, but only four copies of Brick? – and scored my Butterscotch Stallion fix, then braved the absurdly long line. I ignored the inexplicably slow service and sat patiently while the half asleep guy behind the counter ineffectually went about ringing me up. I drove all the way home, laid out the gifts and wrapping paper, went to put in the movie, only to find that the moron behind the counter forgot to take the security locks off of the tapes, so I couldn’t open either box!
So now I’m in a quandary. Do I get dressed and drive all the way back to Blockbuster just to get the locks pulled off, have a credit put on my account, throw some condescension at a minimum wage tape slag and then drive all the way back home, or do I just say screw it and watch TV instead?
Ten minutes later I was at the store.
I tell the guy he made the mistake, and his response? “Ah, my bad! I’m such a dumbass.” At least he owned up to it. I want a credit for the hassle and he tells me I have to ask for the manager. The manager (a hugemongous beyotch of a woman) makes me wait for nearly ten minutes (which wouldn’t be that big a deal, but I’m on crutches these days, so I only have one foot to stand on, and I’ve been putting it to use for the better part of a day), and when she finally deigns to help me she gives the shit eyes. Like I’m putting her out because her CSR is an idiot? In the immortal words of Erin Brockovich, bite my ass, Krispy Kreme! Don’t give me grief because you people suck at your monkey job; I’m not the thirty year-old working the late shift at a Sherman Oaks Blockbuster Video.
I don’t understand why the entire world hasn’t switched to Netflix, yet. Then again, I’m the same guy who’s astounded that the world rejected the Champagne Punch jellybean, so what do I know? However, I do know one thing: the next time I need a fix of inane Butterscotch Stallion jokery I’ll just pop in my well-worn copy of Zoolander on DVD and save myself the trouble (“You is talking loco and I like it!”).
Also…
Dear Blockbuster Video,
I hope Netflix socks you in the face like the crappy corporate suckhole you are.
Love,
The Jay
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THINGS ABOUT OSCAR
Now this is a campaign I can get behind.

Now if I can only get the Rocky Balboa “For Your Consideration…” campaign going.
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THINGS TO CLICK ON, SPORTS THEMED
- Dan Marino is nothing if not intense. Just too bad he didn’t bring that same passion to Ace Ventura, or he might have had some Oscar talk. Well, probably not, but it might have helped stop all the Razzie talk.
– If you enjoy shuddering at the thought of Chris Berman picking up chicks, today’s your lucky day. Expect “you’re with me, leather” to become a permanent reference here at TheJay.com.
(http://www.deadspin.com/sports/chris-berman/he-could-go-all-the-way-166410.php)
- Here’s my Holiday gift to all my wrestling fan readers out there. Here’s the entire match of Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant from the legendary Wrestlemania 3. Enjoy not getting any work done for the next ten minutes.
– This piece makes me hardcore pissed that HoopsTV.com folded. That was a sick sports blog, before blogs became the norm.
(http://freedarko.blogspot.com/2006/12/and-so-story-goes.html)
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THINGS ABOUT MY HEROES
Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.
There isn’t a person in this country who doesn’t love at least one of his flicks, be it Jaws, Raiders, E.T., Jurassic Park, or one of the other twenty-one. His films touch our hearts, excite our minds and dazzle our eyes. He is responsible for millions of kids wanting to be film directors; and the conductor of an even higher number of childhood playtime fantasies. He was my first inspiration as a writer and budding director. And he remains my favorite creator of movie magic. Even when he makes a movie I don’t like ( like The Terminal) I still find great things in it, like the amazing airport set, which I got to walk through when I worked as an extra on the film (which means I might just love it because I’m visible in two shots of the movie).
To honor the bearded great one, here are ten Spielberg movie moments I love:
- Two moments stand out for me from Jaws: 1. The entire USS Indianapolis speech (“..thing about a shark. He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes…”). 2. When the shark drags the first barrel underwater and Hooper loses him in a chase; I love the quiet moment when Quint stands on the end of the starboard walk ramp, holding his rifle and shaking his head, while the sun sets beautifully around him. It was a look that spoke volumes. We’re gonna need a bigger boat, indeed.
- The over the shoulder pull back to reveal the government base at Devil’s Mountain, in Close Encounters. The first use of what is now known as “The Spielberg Shot”. Often imitated, never topped, it is still the best way to do a reveal on film.

- The scenes of kids trick-or-treating in E.T. As a boy who grew up in The Valley, watching a movie about a young boy and his alien best friend who lived, essentially, around the corner from me (I used to play in the same park as Elliot), brought me countless fever dreams and daytime pretend adventures. The moon shot is still a stunning image, and easily makes for the best production company logo EVER.
- The climax in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indy is hanging off the ledge, desperately trying to reach the grail cup, while Henry tries to pull him to safety. Henry can’t get Indy’s attention, and their grip is starting to falter. Indy’s got mad glory in his eyes, but Henry realizes what’s truly important and gives Indy the lesson our intrepid archeologist has been looking for since we saw him run from the boulder in Raiders.
Henry: Indiana. Indiana, let it go.
That line gets me more than any other moment in the series. A perfect encapsulation of the life these men lead. Man alive, can Spielberg make a movie!

- The trailer over the cliff sequence in The Lost World. So well-choreographed and executed, it comes off like a Gene Kelly dance, as interpreted by Wes Craven. I love the look on Julianne Moore’s face when she realizes what’s about to happen. “Oh shit” never looked cooler on a girl.
- The epic 20 minute storming the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan, specifically the extended sequences done in silence as Tom, slightly deafened from a blast, takes in the violence happening all around him. Arguably the most realistic depiction of war ever committed to celluloid. And the fact that this film lost to a Gwyneth Paltrow romantic comedy makes me sick at both ends.
- The opening credits of Catch Me If You Can, with the Pink Panther-like animation and the John Williams jazz riff. It was a signal that we were not about to see a typical Steven Spielberg fantasy, but instead something far more playful and sophisticated. And it is easily my favorite Spielberg movie of the last ten years.

- “Oh, there you are, Peter!”
- The spider sequence in Minority Report. The creepy mechanical crawlers search the entire building looking for Tom Cruise’s John Anderton (the last time The Cruiser was effortlessly cool on-screen). They can’t detect Cruise because he’s lying motionless in an ice cold bathtub. The last spider is walking away when Cruise lets one tiny air bubble slip out of his mouth. And the spider hears it. The delicate double take of the CGI creature is so smooth, so graceful as to be almost unnoticeable. But let there be no mistake, it is a sly stroke of genius. And serves as yet another reminder why Spielberg uses CGI better than anyone else on the planet. Michael Bay better learn himself an education by next summer. A BIG FUCKING ROBOTS movie needs all the subtlety it can get.
- The first dinosaur reveal in Jurassic Park. Maybe the single best reveal shot of the last half decade. Ellie is going on and on about some indigenous wildlife and Grant turns her head to see what he was looking at and all we see are her eyes go wide. Ellie rises out of the jeep and then BAM, we cut to the most perfectly realized depiction of a prehistoric animal ever put on film. I can still see my Dad shaking in the theater, awestruck by what he was seeing. That’s the type of reaction Spielberg elicits in audiences. He leaves them awestruck; my favorite emotion to have while watching a movie.

And I thank him for giving that to me so many times. Happy Birthday, Sir. We honor you here at TheJay.com. May you continue to create wonder on the silver screen for many more years to come.
For an absolutely fantastic retrospective of Steven Spielberg’s career, CLICK HERE.
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Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good Bangarang!
One year ago today I posted the first article on the re-launched TheJay.com (You can read that first post
In January I made what some would consider an ill-fated decision to
The third post I ever wrote was called “
Up until that point I hadn’t tried to market or advertise the site. For one reason or another I didn’t think I had written anything worth making a fuss over. But the Tom Hanks piece turned out really good. I happened to chance on the blog site for
The answer, in short, was Keanu Reeves. I had long since been a fan of The One, and had been defending him to my friends and family for years. After seeing the success of writing about a quirk of a celebrity near the time of the release of their new movie, I knew it was time to write a Keanu piece, in time for his new (quality draining) Sandra Bullock weepfest The Lake House. So on June 6, 2006, late in the evening I posted “
Total # of Visits: More than 375,000




Vince Vaughn is arguably the most quotable actor in movie history (with Val Kilmer coming in a close second). In only ten years and fifteen movies (I discount his dramatic movies because, like Rocky 5, they were all a dream and never really happened; especially Domestic Disturbance), he has established himself as the go to star for kick-ass cultural-swinging dialogue. From “You’re so money” to “Earmuffs” to “Lock it up!”, his lines have changed the way we converse, the way we think and the way we speak. He has reached the point in his career where his every line of dialogue is a laugh waiting to happen. Vaughn has garnered such tremendous audience goodwill that as soon as he opens his mouth we are waiting to love what he has to say. No matter if he’s playing a scoundrel (which he was in Wedding Crashers) or a lovable loser (Dodgeball) or even an assassin (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), we cannot help but root for him. When Vince Vaughn speaks, we listen, and we love every word.
Vince Vaughn On: Getting Lucky (Dodgeball)
And it’s not just social ills that his quotes can be rallied around. Raising children is an important part of life and Vince is no stranger to Fatherhood. He has spoken out on Family Values on multiple occasions, and those speeches have come to be some of the most influential words of wisdom that this world has ever seen. 

All good languaticians (I just made that word up) know that the specialized words and phrases we make up with our friends are what constitute a real language. Being able to personalize speech and create unique ways of saying ordinary things is what makes a language popular. This is how Vince Vaughnese will truly reach widespread, global popularity. For instance, if you were proud of your friend and wanted to tell him in a cool way how you feel, you could say: “Good job man, way to go. You’re kicking ass.” but that would still be kind of lame. Let’s see that same phrase in Vince Vaughnese:
VV: “Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”
Vince Vaughn On: Excuses (Wedding Crashers)
Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:






Rule #2: You would willingly see them in any movie they are in, just because they are in it.
3. Jack Nicholson – An obvious Rule #2’er. Would you ever skip a movie that Jack Nicholson was in? I mean, ever?
10. Kate Winslet – She had me on the ropes with Titanic, and she knocked me out with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And even though I didn’t see Finding Neverland (Because of my unjustified apathy towards Johnny Depp), I wanted to because she was in it, a clear case of Rule #2 if there ever was one.
1. John Travolta – 

