Thu 26 Apr 2007
Some opportunities you just can’t say no to. Like seven years ago when I ran into Samuel L. Jackson at the San Francisco Airport at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday; I just couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him he was robbed for an Oscar for his performance in A Time To Kill. Or that Phantom Menace was, um, not so much (and yes, in case you were wondering, he was wearing a Kangol hat. And black leather pants and jacket. At 7:30 in the morning. What do you want? He’s Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson!). Or when I had the chance to interview Billy Zabka for PopLoad, and I totally took the opportunity to get him to say Daniel-San was a pussy. There are just some things in life you must do.
One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.
I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Haim.
To read my questions for Corey Feldman, go HERE.
Ten Questions For Corey Haim
I always liked you better. The Affleck to Feldman’s Damon, you were always more fun to watch (druggies are infinitely more interesting than douchebags). Your movies were cheesier (which is a good thing). Your “acting” was lacking in a way even seminal master of the craft Keanu Reeves could make fun of (an even better trait - gotta support my boy Keanu!). You were the quintessential tragic example of celebrity gone wrong (your E! True Hollywood Story should be taught in acting schools nation-wide. It should be required viewing for every Celebritard than has ever spent anytime at Hyde. Lindsay Lohan should list it as her favorite movie on her MySpace page. Truly you are a sage purveyor of important non-wisdom.). And you were so much easier to look at than Feldman. I’m not saying I wish you were still around, because really, what would we do with you, but I do kind of miss you on-screen. Your direct-to-video work was exemplary; I must have seen Fast Getaway twenty times when I was a kid (I appreciate anyone who gives work to Cynthia Rothrock). Let this be our little secret… I was more stoked for Fast Getaway 2, than I was for Jurassic Park 2. That’s how much I dug the movie. And let’s not even get started on Prayer for the Rollerboys. Half of the reason I was a blader in high school was because of that movie (I really wanted an opportunity to take off Patty Arquette’s panties at a post-apocalyptic Venice Beach rollerblading rave. You lucky bastard. Look what you threw away!). Man, I just don’t know how you screwed it all up so bad. Why didn’t you turn out like Robert Downey Jr. He had to have taken as many drugs as you, but twenty years later he’s still kicking ass as an A-list actor, while you’re jonesing for your second dose of Methadone at the Toronto Free Clinic, desperately hoping someone rented The Lost Boys so you could get the .84 cent residual check and buy some Hostess Zingers. Why didn’t you star opposite Val Kilmer in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? Why didn’t you woo famed leprechaun actor Calista Flockhart in the unwatchable final seasons of Ally McBeal? Why haven’t you at least considered Prayer of the Rollerboys 2: Pray Harder?
So many questions… I truly hope you can right the ship, Corey. And I’ll be keeping an eye on the cable stations every so often, hoping I catch your scragged out face underacting opposite Jeff Fahey or some other such washed up B-lister in a grade-Z DTV flick just like old times. I know why Feldman didn’t survive (he sucks), but one of these days I hope to find out why you didn’t (my early suspicion? You suck too.).
To the questions!
What happened to your face man? Did you go to the same plastic surgeon as Mark Hamill? Or Tara Reid? Maybe The Joker? Gosh. Even Courtney Love is like “Dang, what happened to Lucas?”
Who nailed Nicole Eggert more on Blown Away, you or Feldman? Yeah, it was you! Baywatch babes don’t bump uglies with pug-looking a-holes. Follow up question: How bummed were you that you cast Eggert before she got breast implants? The movie would have made at least $80 bucks more if you had some Charles in Charge plastic boobage on display. It also would have made more money if it was any good at all. Just, you know, by the by.
You once got to pull the panties off noted television psychic and former Alabama Worley, Patricia Arquette, in your (secretly kick ass) rollerblading movie Prayer of the Rollerboys. Tell me, did she ever use her psychic powers to predict that you’d go so bonkers with drugs and ruin your (not really) promising acting career to the point where you’d be begging COREY FELDMAN for some direct-to-DVD cameo love? And if she did, dude, why did you not heed her psychic words? Alabama Worley is never wrong!
Cynthia Rothrock. Did you hit it? Did she hit you?
Do you ever watch Grey’s Anatomy and think how much you want to violently destroy Patrick Dempsey for stealing the big comeback you so richly don’t deserve? Follow up question: if you were on Grey’s Anatomy, what do you think your “Mc” nickname would be? Dr. McDruggy? Dr. McDouchebag? No, it would be Dr. McUgly, wouldn’t it? Yeah, that’s the one.
Why haven’t you called in a favor from Keifer Sutherland and gotten yourself a role on 24? After all, he helped out C.Thomas Howell, and that guy sucks almost as much as you (Side Out, notwithstanding)!
Heather Graham. Please tell me you hit that. And, if so, did she wear rollerskates to bed?
Who’d you piss off not to get invited onto The Surreal Life? Even stupid Balki Bartokomus got on there and he’s done even less to benefit cinema than you (Meego, notwithstanding).
What do these numbers have in common? “24” “62.87” “0” “14.50” and “-7.49”? They’re the grosses of your last five movies. Just thought you might want to know. Yeah, the moneymen for Snowboard Academy might be looking to get a refund from you.
How much do you remember from the 90’s? Eight days? A combined four months? Do you even know what The Matrix is? Maybe your former colleague, global megastar Keanu Reeves can explain it to you.
Whoa.
Bangarang!
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Some opportunities you just can’t say no to. Like seven years ago when I ran into Samuel L. Jackson at the San Francisco Airport at 7:30 in the morning on a Tuesday; I just couldn’t pass up the chance to tell him he was robbed for an Oscar for his performance in A Time To Kill. Or that Phantom Menace was, um, not so much (and yes, in case you were wondering, he was wearing a Kangol hat. And black leather pants and jacket. At 7:30 in the morning. What do you want? He’s Sam Muthafuckin’ Jackson!). Or when I had the chance to interview 
