Certain actors just NEED to have Oscars. Be it due to their talent, charisma, the roles they play or their longevity, there comes a point in certain actor’s careers when it seems insane they don’t have an Oscar. Like Morgan Freeman before he won for Million Dollar Barfy; go back, didn’t you already THINK he had an Oscar? When you found out he didn’t, it surprised you, right? It’s MORGAN FREEMAN! Voice of God! Step-Granddaughter toucher! Oscarless? Insanity!

Certain actors not having Oscars just sounds wrong (not unlike certain actors HAVING them, ahem Mira Sorvino). Look, I know most awards mean nothing. The actual awards are easily purchased by deep-pocketed studios, desperate to boost the failing box office grosses of their “prestige” pictures. The show itself is nothing more then a poorly disguised commercial for whatever pop culture products need to be pushed near the air date. Actors only show up to pimp those pop culture products (all the more delicious as Award Season is in late Winter when all the truly horrendous movies get released, cough When In Rome, cough… oh, hello Kristen Bell… EVERYWHERE.).

But the Academy Awards mean something. Having an Oscar is important. Not just for the actors, but for us. We grow attached to our stars, and want to see them rewarded for their work. For whatever reason, we NEED them to have an Oscar, to validate what we know about things being good and things being recognized for being good. Which is why it is painful to know that the following ten actors don’t have one.

10 – John Malkovich
I’ve been studying film for fifteen years, and I have NO explanation for this. Really, John Malkovich hasn’t won an Oscar? Even though he played one of THE defining villains of the 90′s (In The Line Of Fire)? The man has a movie NAMED after him, for Pete’s sake! He’s easily one of the best character actors alive on planet Earth today, and there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t get fired up when he comes onscreen. But no Oscar? He deserves at least two for that fakakta accent from Rounders. “Paey dat mein hees mohney” I say, “Geev dat mein hees Ohhsker!”

9 – Sigourney Weaver
How many fantastic Sigourney Weaver performances can you name off the top of your head? I got to five before blink one. Aliens, Ghostbusters, Working Girl, Gorillas in the Mist, Galaxy Quest. Any coincidence that those are five all-time classics? I don’t think so. Weaver is the classic example of an actress that SEEMS to already be an Oscar winner. She’s been nominated three times, but no dice. Her Working Girl loss stings all the more because Geena Davis beat her. Geena? Davis? I love Charlie Baltimore as much as the next guy, but on her BEST day she isn’t even half a Weaver. Get away from her Oscar, you bitch!

(This is only slightly discounted because of Weaver’s indefensible performance in Avatar. The only thing even REMOTEly artificial in that movie was Sigourney’s acting.)

8 – Gary Oldman
There are a great many crazy things that happen in the world. Fergie just gave the best performance in Nine. The Jets may make the Super Bowl this year. George Bush. But right up at the tippy top has GOT to be the fact that Gary Oldman has NEVER been nominated for an Academy Award. Allow me to use the caps lock for better emphasis. GARY OLDMAN HAS NEVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD. The Professional, True Romance, JFK, The Fifth Element, The Contender, The Dark Knight… yeah, this guy doesn’t deserve one AT ALL. If I was running Hollywood, here would be my first order of business:

The Jay: Lacky, bring Gary Oldman an Academy Award.

Lacky: Which category, sir?

The Jay: EEEEVVVERRYOOOOOOOONNNE!

7 – Julianne Moore
She needs to have one so we can stop talking about how she doesn’t have one. Her Oscar Injustice campaign is even more self-righteous than Kate Winslet’s was, and that ain’t easy. Also? She should have won it for Boogie Nights. Kim Basinger deserved it more that year? For what, nearly ruining LA Confidential? No.

6 – Ralph Fiennes
His presence in a movie trailer practically REQUIRES that “Academy Award Winner Ralph Fiennes” graphic studios love to use so much (because it makes the movie seem better than it is). I personally think he’s never won because people are too afraid to mispronounce his name. If he just spelled it “Rafe” he’d have two Oscars by now, I’m telling you. Demi Moore agrees with me.

5 – Jeff Bridges
The Dude does not abide by his Oscarlessness. Thankfully, this atrocity will be rectified in about eight weeks. Who doesn’t love Jeff Bridges? Terrorists? Not likely, cause he played a kick ass one in Blown Away (not talking about the Two Coreys skinemax flick, I know, I’ve made that mistake before, too) (UPDATE: Oops, was just reminded that Bridges played the good guy in Blown Away. MAN those Coreys are distracting. Let’s go with Jeff’s villainous turn in The Vanishing, then, mmk? Mmk). He’s just SO likeable, SO endearing, SO GOOD, we are willing him to win this year. I love it when a long overdue actor is carried across the finish line by the adoring public. Even when it’s for a movie that is beneath them (see: Pacino, Al – Woman, Scent Of A). Also? There’s a better than good chance he accepts his Oscar totally baked out of his mind.

4 – Robert Downey Jr.
Jamie Foxx has an Oscar and Robert Downey Jr. does not. Which guy was the reason you forced yourself to stake awake through The Soloist, for? That’s what I thought. Also? It’s ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He’s the second greatest living actor in the world (see: #2 on this list)!!! Give him a damn Oscar, already! What does he have to do, act in blackface?

3 – Annette Benning
It wasn’t too hard coming up with men for this list, but the women were tough. The Academy is actually REALLY good at spreading the love around to all the A-list actresses. Cate, Nicole, Reese, Renee, Catherine, Kate, Julia, Meryl, Halle, Penelope, Helen, Angelina and Charlize all have one. Which makes Annette Benning not having one seem beyond dumb. Is it because she married Warren Beatty? Is she being punished for making The Siege? Somebody please give me a reason why Caroline Burnham is Oscar-less. Watch this clip:

That’s not one of the Best Actresses in Hollywood? Don’t you dare to lie me!

2 – Matt Damon
Matt Damon is the best actor working today. He is the best actor currently alive. These are the facts, and they are indisputable. Has Matt Damon EVER been ANYthing less than believable? Has he EVER not been fun to watch? Has he EVER not been the best thing in his movies? Tom Ripley, Jason Bourne, Linus Caldwell, Private Ryan, Will Hunting, Loki; I remember his character’s names! And those aren’t even his BEST performances! Courage Under Fire, The Departed, The Informant, Syrianna, Rounders and Stuck on You are equally good. Not to mention the time he made out with Grace Adler on the couch (‘Thanks for the tea. And aay.”). Matt Damon can do no wrong. And yet he can’t BUY an Oscar. I love me some Jeff Bridges. Stick It is my steez. And I am telling you: Matt Damon’s performance in The Informant was the best thing put to celluloid in 2009.

1 – Tom Cruise
Throw away everything you know about Tom Cruise’s personal life. Throw away the Katie Holmes, the Suri, the Scientology, the homosexuality rumors, the sham marriage to Nicole Kidman, the mis-aligned front teeth. Put it all in the trash (this is not me impersonating Clooney in Up in the Air, just btdubs). Now take a look at Tom Cruise. What do you see? You see the Greatest Movie Star in the History of Cinema, don’t you? That should be rewarded, shouldn’t it?

Tom Cruise doesn’t just carry movies, he IS movies. Paramount can’t even SHOW a movie script to someone until Tom Cruise has passed on it. His face is BUILT to be projected on 50-foot screens. His body is a perfect screen body: pigeon-chested, stout and malleable. His intensity is magnetic. Hell, his hair is a bigger movie star than Ryan Reynolds will EVER be. Tom Cruise was designed to be a Movie God. His brilliance and success was pre-ordained. And yet? He has never been rewarded for his work.

Jerry Maguire, Born on the Fourth of July, Magnolia, Rain Man, Vanilla Sky; ALL of those performances deserved Oscars. And if Sandra Bullock wins for The Blind Side, then Tom Cruise should have won for A Few Good Men. Want more? What was the funniest performance in 2009? Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder. #fact

Does anyone do blockbuster performances better? You don’t love Tom in Top Gun? He isn’t ANYthing but riveting in Minority Report? You’re telling me you have enough control over your body to LOOK AWAY from Tom in Mission: Impossible? No. You’re not saying those things. Because those are things no one says!

If George Clooney has an Oscar, Tom Cruise should have an Oscar. If Jack Nicholson has THREE, Tom deserves at least one. Nicolas Cage has an Oscar and he’s a crazy person. So why doesn’t Tom have one?

There will be a time, maybe fifteen years from now, when Tom Cruise disappears for 30 days and comes back with a movie. Something small, something personal. And he will be so good in it that we have no choice but to hand him the Academy Award for Best Actor. The standing ovation for that announcement will set endurance records. And we will all look back at his resume and wonder what took so damn long. He’s only been the Biggest Movie Star in the World for 40 years. He’s only TOM CRUISE.

I mean, isn’t that what the Academy Awards were invented for? So that we can give Tom Cruise an Oscar and everyone can be happy about it?

Here’s the thing: I’m a simple man with simple needs. I want things to be good, and I need people to love those things. These ten actors are good, and I want the Academy to start loving them. Because I will not live in a world where Hilary Swank has TWO Oscars, and these fantastic people have NONE. I won’t do it. I just won’t do it.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.

I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Haim.

To read my questions for Corey Feldman, go HERE.

Ten Questions For Corey Haim

I always liked you better. The Affleck to Feldman’s Damon, you were always more fun to watch (druggies are infinitely more interesting than douchebags). Your movies were cheesier (which is a good thing). Your “acting” was lacking in a way even seminal master of the craft Keanu Reeves could make fun of (an even better trait – gotta support my boy Keanu!). You were the quintessential tragic example of celebrity gone wrong (your E! True Hollywood Story should be taught in acting schools nation-wide. It should be required viewing for every Celebritard than has ever spent anytime at Hyde. Lindsay Lohan should list it as her favorite movie on her MySpace page. Truly you are a sage purveyor of important non-wisdom.). And you were so much easier to look at than Feldman. I’m not saying I wish you were still around, because really, what would we do with you, but I do kind of miss you on-screen. Your direct-to-video work was exemplary; I must have seen Fast Getaway twenty times when I was a kid (I appreciate anyone who gives work to Cynthia Rothrock). Let this be our little secret… I was more stoked for Fast Getaway 2, than I was for Jurassic Park 2. That’s how much I dug the movie. And let’s not even get started on Prayer for the Rollerboys. Half of the reason I was a blader in high school was because of that movie (I really wanted an opportunity to take off Patty Arquette’s panties at a post-apocalyptic Venice Beach rollerblading rave. You lucky bastard. Look what you threw away!). Man, I just don’t know how you screwed it all up so bad. Why didn’t you turn out like Robert Downey Jr. He had to have taken as many drugs as you, but twenty years later he’s still kicking ass as an A-list actor, while you’re jonesing for your second dose of Methadone at the Toronto Free Clinic, desperately hoping someone rented The Lost Boys so you could get the .84 cent residual check and buy some Hostess Zingers. Why didn’t you star opposite Val Kilmer in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? Why didn’t you woo famed leprechaun actor Calista Flockhart in the unwatchable final seasons of Ally McBeal? Why haven’t you at least considered Prayer of the Rollerboys 2: Pray Harder?

So many questions… I truly hope you can right the ship, Corey. And I’ll be keeping an eye on the cable stations every so often, hoping I catch your scragged out face underacting opposite Jeff Fahey or some other such washed up B-lister in a grade-Z DTV flick just like old times. I know why Feldman didn’t survive (he sucks), but one of these days I hope to find out why you didn’t (my early suspicion? You suck too.).

To the questions!

1. What happened to your face man? Did you go to the same plastic surgeon as Mark Hamill? Or Tara Reid? Maybe The Joker? Gosh. Even Courtney Love is like “Dang, what happened to Lucas?”

2. Who nailed Nicole Eggert more on Blown Away, you or Feldman? Yeah, it was you! Baywatch babes don’t bump uglies with pug-looking a-holes. Follow up question: How bummed were you that you cast Eggert before she got breast implants? The movie would have made at least $80 bucks more if you had some Charles in Charge plastic boobage on display. It also would have made more money if it was any good at all. Just, you know, by the by.

3. You once got to pull the panties off noted television psychic and former Alabama Worley, Patricia Arquette, in your (secretly kick ass) rollerblading movie Prayer of the Rollerboys. Tell me, did she ever use her psychic powers to predict that you’d go so bonkers with drugs and ruin your (not really) promising acting career to the point where you’d be begging COREY FELDMAN for some direct-to-DVD cameo love? And if she did, dude, why did you not heed her psychic words? Alabama Worley is never wrong!

4. Cynthia Rothrock. Did you hit it? Did she hit you?

5. Do you ever watch Grey’s Anatomy and think how much you want to violently destroy Patrick Dempsey for stealing the big comeback you so richly don’t deserve? Follow up question: if you were on Grey’s Anatomy, what do you think your “Mc” nickname would be? Dr. McDruggy? Dr. McDouchebag? No, it would be Dr. McUgly, wouldn’t it? Yeah, that’s the one.

6. Why haven’t you called in a favor from Keifer Sutherland and gotten yourself a role on 24? After all, he helped out C.Thomas Howell, and that guy sucks almost as much as you (Side Out, notwithstanding)!

7. Heather Graham. Please tell me you hit that. And, if so, did she wear rollerskates to bed?

8. Who’d you piss off not to get invited onto The Surreal Life? Even stupid Balki Bartokomus got on there and he’s done even less to benefit cinema than you (Meego, notwithstanding).

9. What do these numbers have in common? “24” “62.87” “0” “14.50” and “-7.49”? They’re the grosses of your last five movies. Just thought you might want to know. Yeah, the moneymen for Snowboard Academy might be looking to get a refund from you.

10. How much do you remember from the 90’s? Eight days? A combined four months? Do you even know what The Matrix is? Maybe your former colleague, global megastar Keanu Reeves can explain it to you.

Whoa.

Bangarang!

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One of those things presented itself to me earlier this week. I heard about a marketing stunt being done by MSN TV where they were hosting a Dear Abbey style column featuring the Coreys. Yes, those Coreys. Haim and Feldman. Stars of the international acclaimed films Liscense to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, Michael Jackson Takes A Lover, Drugs Are Bad Mmkay and the TNT not classic National Lampoon’s Scuba School. The stunt is a promotional gimmick to support what appears to be the greatest reality show in the history of human existence, A & E’s “The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys”, coming this summer to blow our minds. MSN TV is asking people to submit questions to the boys and they will answer them on the site. Getting a chance to drop some Q’s on the Coreys? How could a cynical internet humorist resist? I can’t. It’s just one of things in life you must do.

I’m breaking this questions column up into two parts, one for each Corey (because the stars of Blown Away deserve double billing). These are the questions I submitted for Corey Feldman.

To read my questions for Corey Haim, go HERE.

Ten Questions For Corey Feldman

Oh, Corey Feldman, how long I’ve waiting to grill you on your career. The rise, the fall, the MJ period, your inexplicable hookup with Vanessa Marcil, a girl so out of your league they haven’t even invented the sport she plays, your legendary assholish stint on The Surreal Life, why you seem intent on running into me at random locations in The Valley wearing only flannel pajama pants and a ripped t-shirt, and most of all, how someone so pug-faced, obnoxious and patently unlikeable could have had such an illustrious career (assuming you can consider Meatballs 4, The burbs and Lipstick Camera, illustrious). Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. I hope your comeback is gratifying, financially successful and most of all, extremely short-lived. You suck, Corey Feldman. You truly, truly suck.

To the questions!

1. Who was more stoned on the set of “Dream A Little Dream”, you, Haim or the writer? Because that shit made no sense!

2. How was the airtime divided between you and Haim for your joint E! True Hollywood Story? Did you do best of seven rock, paper, scissors? Did you flip a coin? Was there a hair-gel off? Or, like, first to not O.D. on illegal Mexican horse tranquilizers gets the right of first refusal on the lead segment? Inquiring minds want to know.

3. How bummed were you that Chris O’Donnell stole the role of Robin in Batman Forever from you? Did you have to add nipples to your Michael Jackson suit just to calm your bruised ego?

4. Speaking of the king of pop, do you and Macauley Culkin ever meet to have a good cry together?

5. Does Jerry O’Connell ever call you up and just start laughing? Don’t fret though, maybe he can get you a part on his hit primetime network drama. Or as the stunt double for the kangaroo in Kangaroo Jack 2. Or maybe his bangin’ supermodel fiancée can set you up with a heavyset girlfriend with a great personality. The O’Connell’s are known for their generosity (and skeeviness).

6. Do you remember an incident about ten years ago where you almost got hit by a car in the parking lot of Ralph’s off of Reseda and Devonshire in Northridge, CA? And then someone stuck his head out the window and yelled “Wassup, Dinger?” And you practically recoiled in disgust and bolted off? Yeah, that was me. Sorry about almost killing you. And for mistaking your character name from Dream A Little Dream. Next time I try to cripple you with my two-ton automobile I’ll be sure to reference one of your actual roles. Maybe Mouth from The Goonies? Or you could choose.

7. What’s it like to be thought of as the most obnoxious has been celebrity in the history of The Surreal Life? And seriously dude, I know you suck and all, but how is that even possible? You were up against the likes of pantheon douchebags Vanilla Ice, Tawny Kitaen, Jose Canseco and Dave Coulier. Truly this must be a career low for you. Even lower than playing second fiddle to Marc fraking Dascascos in the maligned Crow TV show.

8. How can someone so ugly have such a long career? The 80’s were a strange, awful time for aesthetics.

9. You were the lamest Ninja Turtle. That’s not a question, I just wanted you to know. Even dumbass Michelangelo was cooler than you. Seriously. I can’t stress enough how bad an actor you are. Like Sanjaya bad.

10. What color is Michael Jackson’s penis? Is it taupe? It has to be taupe, right?

Goonies never say die!

Bangarang!

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