It’s not often that a celebrity admits when they’re wrong. Scandals come and go, but count how many times you’ve actually heard Lindsay or Paris admit the wrongness of their actions or words. You can probably count the number on your thumb. And even then, the detraction was more than likely court-ordered.

So color me stunned when famed Dawson Leery sloppy seconds lover, Tom Cruise, went on the Oprah Winfrey show last week and admitted he was “wrong” about his comments on post-partum depression. He apologized for attacking Brooke Shields, and expressed his newfound belief that post partum depression can not be cured simply by taking vitamins (though, he did also claim that an Orange Wilma Flintstone vitamin cured him of “abnormal thoughts” back in 1996, so maybe he hasn’t learned that much). He further explained that he felt “pressed” by the media during his couch-jumping, batshit crazy period, and regrets saying a lot of things on TV.

The newly humble Cruise, fresh off the monumental failure that was Lions For Lambs, still plugging his ongoing sham marriage, and desperate for the love we all once had for the diminutive star, ran down a litany of things he once said or did that he now believes are mistakes. I have collected those comments for your perusal. You can judge just how truly sorry he is for the “mistakes” he once made.

OTHER THINGS TOM CRUISE WAS WRONG ABOUT:

• Tom admitted that he was wrong to date Penelope Cruz for two years. Not because they weren’t a happy couple, but because she had only signed a deal to be his beard for 18 months, and the negotiation for the additional six months was pretty onerous. Also, because he could never understand a word she was saying.

• Turns out, all the research Tom claimed to have conducted about drug addiction wasn’t actually factual medical information. It was just an early draft of the Requiem for a Dream script that got left on his desk (in his defense, Jared Leto can be quite confusing).

• Despite his initial fears, luring, capturing and commanding the mind of a teen soap star was far easier than Tom thought. Dealing with Scarlet Johansson, on the other hand, was just as annoying as predicted. He then wished Ryan Reynolds well in navigating that husky-voiced, square-bodied landmine.

• Tom regrets choosing to play a Nazi as his big comeback film; feels it may NOT have been the best vehicle for getting back into the hearts of the American people. In related news, Valkyrie has been delayed a full year while filmmakers try to figure out how to make a Nazi Tom Cruise appealing to anyone beyond the day staff at the Celebrity Center.

• Tom has come to realize, after many moments of soul-searching, that association with Ben Stiller in any form might be detrimental to his already damaged public image. Just ask Owen Wilson (too soon?).

• Electrocuting the most beloved TV personality in the world? Maybe not his finest hour.

• Tom doesn’t view his comments on the infamous Scientology Video as a mistake; he was speaking from the heart, and meant what he said. But looking back, maybe he wouldn’t wear the black turtleneck; that much neck fat should really only be rocked by a Thanksgiving Day turkey, or by John Goodman.

• And of course, he regrets hiring a sex doctor to teach him and then wife Nicole Kidman how to have realistic looking straight people sex for his Stanley Kubrick misfire, Eyes Wide Shut. Though the doctor was able to work through Tom’s awkwardness around the naked female form and successfully get the couple to look like they like each other on film, he was not, however, able to achieve Tom’s ultimate goal of the arrangement: convincing Tom that girls don’t have cooties. Sadly, Katie Holmes must now bath in an anti-cootie solution before and after she comes into the bedroom. And by” bedroom”, I of course mean “mind prison”.

So as you can see, Tom showed much contrition about his crazy antics of the last few years. He clarified comments, apologized for weird behavior and even acknowledged the creepiness of Ben Stiller. But the one thing Tom did not do? The one thing Tom will never agree was a mistake? Putting Colonel Jessup on the stand. He wanted answers. And after all, he was entitled to them! The big question is: can he still handle the truth? At least for today, the answer seems to be a resounding “sort of”.

Bangarang!

OHH, OHH! Tommy! My bubeleh! How are you, dear? Huh? How are ya? You look thin! Why don’t you eat? Enh? Enh? How come you never eat? What, you trying to impress a girl? She’ll like you as you are or pttt pttt she’s not worth it. OH! You look so cute in your big boy suit, all farpitz. And you’re getting so tall. When did you get so tall? Huh? Soon I’ll be lookin up at you, enh? What a day!

Are you excited for your Bar Mitzvah? Enh? You been working with the Rabbi? Learning your Torah? Oh, you’re such a good little boy, Tommy. I love you. You know? Grammy loves you! She could stand to hear from you more often, like it would kill you to pick up a phone, do a mitzvah, but I love you.

So how’s life there? Vi gaits? School good? Friends good? Got yourself a girlfriend? Heartbreaka, you are! Oof! I always tells your mutha, that Tommy is gonna be a heartbreaka! Enh? You got a little girlfriend? Enh? Tell your grandmutha. She better be good to you, hear me? Let me tell you, it was different in my day. Back when I was living in the creek, must have been sixty years ago now, it was a different time. No cell phones, no internet. Just me, your Grandfather Pacey, Mi Amocha, may he rest in peace, and the creek. I was working as a server, you know what a server is? I was a waitress. Ha! Like a girl of my looks shoulda been doing that, I won’t ever know! Don’t get me started, enh!

I chased after your Grandfather! And let me tell you, he was quite the looka! Ooh! Full head of hair, attitude for days, a rebel like you don’t even know! Feh! He used to sleep with teachers, oy gevald! But he was a good man. I straightened him out. And he was a good grandfather, right? Ohh Tommy, such a great grandson! Are we gonna nosh? Let’s go nosh. Your grandmutha needs to feed you, you don’t get enough food.

I saw this interview you did on the computuh; my nurse showed it to me. You were on the TV with that big African girl and you were making such a scene, I don’t get it. What is this fercockta business with the couch? Why do you have to make such a fuss? You were always such a mensch. Don’t be such a pisher, girls aren’t gonna like you, you act meshuga like that. Let your Bubba tell you what’s what. You grow up and get a good job, be a docta or a lawya, and you make a family. Be smart. This acting business, feh, all it ever is is he schtupped her , she wears what, k’vestch k’vestch, and none of them ever eat. You want that for yourself, Tommy? Everything in the world such a shanda? Listen to your Grammy, she’s old, she knows what she’s talking about.

Alright, alright, I’m tired, oy vai, time to get me home. Tommy, you are a good boy taking your poor old Grammy out to lunch. You’re a good kid, you know that? You’re a good kid. How you doin’ with money? Enh? You need some gelt, Grammy’ll give you some gelt. No arguin’, just put it in your pocket, save it, buy yourself something nice. Alright? OK? Give me a kiss goodbye. Mazel tov, bubeleh. Go do something good now. Something fun for your Grammy, sitting up here in this home all by herself. Nothing and nobody to talk to.

Don’t forget to call your Grandmutha once in a while! It wouldn’t kill ya!

Oy vey!

Watch the video before you read on!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

As a entertainment blogger it’s important that I’m able to find just the right picture to go with a particular story. If I’m writing about, say, Tara Reid being a model citizen, as I do, and I type “Tara Reid Model Citizen” into the Google Image search, it’s imperative I find just the right picture of her drunkenly passed out on the streets of Ibiza (the joke comes from the irony!). My blogger brethren and I depend on image searches to add visual stimulation to our pieces, punctuate jokes, and sometimes, to create whole posts.

I’m continually amazed by the accuracy of Google’s image search engine. No matter how disparate my search terms, I can always seem to find what I’m looking for. It gets me to wondering just how far I can test Google’s accuracy. If I type in a celebrity and then add a random word onto the search, what would I find? Would “Jodie Foster + tuna” get me a shot of The Jodes from Freaky Friday, enjoying being in her Mom’s body just a bit too much, or just another boring publicity still from Flightplan? I had to know…

So here is a little experiment I ran to see just how accurate a Google Celebrity Image Search can be (all results found on page 1 of the search results):

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Katherine Heigl + douchebag

Result: Yep, that’s her looking pretty douche-y all right. Like she sails! Or wears white pants after Labor Day! Or isn’t a douche!

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Katie Holmes + outer space

Result: I don’t know about you, but that’s the look I had on my face the first time I saw an alien living amongst us and realized it was actually my husband who had signed me to a five-year wedding contract stating I would bear him a genetically created pod baby that looks asian and kinda Chris Klein-y and not wear a bra when I run the NYC Marathon.

Accuracy Grade: A-

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Christian Slater + suicide

Result: Not sure what exactly I expected to find here, but I’m fairly amused that MC Hammer is exploiting the hypothetical death of the star of Kuffs. Greetings and salutations, Slater is NOT too legit to quit.

Accuracy Grade: C (but a “B+” for pure morbidity)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Keanu Reeves + genius

Result: I don’t understand how anyone could find Keanu stupid. See him walking away from a horny, near-naked Lauren Graham? That’s the wisest decision a man can make in his life! He just chose the grail cup!

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Dakota Fanning + assassin

Result: Get on her bad side and the last thing you see in this world is her tiny little boot coming down on your face, as you lay limp on the ground of a dirty street in Mexico.

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Val Kilmer + polite

Result: Funny, I don’t remember typing in “Val Kilmer + beached whale”, but hey, at least he’s covered up. That’s a splash of beach etiquette.

Accuracy Grade: B-

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Halle Berry + dentist

Result: I know that when I think of Halle Berry getting her teeth worked on, the first image that comes to my mind is of the former Bond girl half-nakedly fondling Sarah Jessica Parker. Isn’t it the same for you?

Accuracy Grade: B

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Paris Hilton + relevant

Result: Think long and hard about this (that’s what she said!): of all the contributions to society given by Paris Hilton, from the unpublicized humanitarian work in third world countries to her charitable donations for Cancer research, and tireless work to improve the lives of the US homeless population, when you think of Paris Hilton, don’t you really just think about her sucking on something?

Accuracy Grade: A

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Tom Cruise + smart

Result: Well… this one is dead on!

Accuracy Grade: A+

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Search Terms: Renee Zellweger + bitchface

Result: I swear to you I didn’t rig this. It just so happens that when you search for a picture of Renee Zellweger making a bitchface, my award badge for being one of the Best Culture Blogs on the net shows up in the results (as the third image!). What can I say, Google knows where’s it at.

Accuracy Grade: A++++++

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Final Conclusion: No matter what you’re looking for on the net, be it a shot of Val Kilmer coming ashore to rest his blowhole and lay eggs or Halle Berry molesting the star of Sex and the City, Google Image Search has got your back. I deem their celebrity image search dead-on balls accurate!

Bangarang!

One of the most distinct and profound moments of my adolescence was the week or so in late April of 1992 when the billboard above the 7/11 on Reseda and Devonshire had the poster of Far and Away emblazoned on it. My eleven year old mind couldn’t seem to process how ridiculously gorgeous Nicole Kidman was. Remember, this was before the Internet, before TV started hiring hot girls to play leads, before teen movie hotties resurfaced in the late 90’s, before Maxim and FHM and everything else we have today that allows us to check out hot chicks. Movie star actresses were all we had.

And for me, Nicole Kidman was the business.

The wall of crazy curly hair. The perfect alabaster skin. The pursed lips and great mouth. The Aussie sauciness. The fact that she went full frontal in Billy Bathgate the year before. And was also naked in a Billy Zane thriller back in the late 80’s. Everything about her was great. And in the picture of her on the poster, she was perfection. I couldn’t look away. And didn’t want to, anyway.

The movie ended up sucking huge balls - ’bout the only good thing in the flick were the bare knuckle fight scenes and the line where The Cruiser begs Kidman to say she likes his hat and her response is “but you’re not wearing a hat” - but it didn’t matter. I was happy enough with the poster image, and the knowledge that I’d be seeing her looking fly on billboards above convenience stores for the foreseeable future. All was right in my Valley world.

And for a time, it was. She was hot in Days of Thunder (”Let me out of the car, Cole!”), and Malice (”You ask me if I have a God complex? I AM GOD!”), smokin’ bangin’ in To Die For, and even brought some of the saucyback in Batman Forever (with a Top Ten moronic character name of all-time, to boot: Dr. Chase Meridian). She continued to be somewhat babelicious through Eyes Wide Shut (hello again, boobs), Moulin Rouge, and definitely in that spooky hallway shot in the first act of Practical Magic where the light is just bouncing off of her like she’s rubber and it’s glue. But somewhere around The Others, and maybe it’s attributed to the divorce with Tom, she started looking… well, different. More plastic-y. Harder. Icy, if you will. And it only got worse.

I look at Nicole Kidman now and all I see is a botoxed ice queen. Harsh, stiff face with no emotion, hollow eyes, Helen Hunt-y sixhead (just a touch bigger than a fore), and anorexia that would make 2006 Lohan jealous. She turned from one of the hottest screen actresses I have ever seen, into this:

I almost don’t even recognize her anymore. Age is a cruel bitch, and apparently Nicole slept with Age’s boyfriend. I’m not sure her intention was to actually become an ice queen witch hag, but she’s definitely on her way.

I had given out all hope that I would ever find her hot again. I feared my memories of the Far and Away poster would be overtaken by the onslaught of images I see of her now that make my wang point into the negative degrees.

But then today I saw this picture on Comingsoon.net:

At first I just glanced over it and moved on to the next news item. But something from the image stuck with me. A few minutes later I looked at it again and I swear, for just a moment, I think it moved. Sparks were definitely flying, crotch-wise.

Could it be? Could Nicole Kidman actually look legitimately hot again? I wasn’t sure. So I decided to break the image down piece by piece and see what the numbers really tell me. This will either be the first time math has ever given me an erection, or another in a long series of instances where Arithmetic makes me its bitch.

The Face: I love her expression. Inquisitive, slightly tender, hints of wanting. Ages of history there. Her skin is a touch red, like she’s seen some hard times and came through OK. It’s like a Diane Lane face, right there. And the forehead problems are abated by the smooth hand of the Jackman. Her jaw line is still as razorsharp as ever, but the whole of the parts doesn’t equal ice queen, but an honestly beautiful, natural woman, for maybe the first time this millennium.

The Neck: Elongated and kind of awesome. I never realized she had such an Audrey Hepburn neck. It’s almost regal.

The Bust: Nicole has never had a giant rack, but it was always a solid one. Kind of like Julia or Sandra. It’s good and you don’t really take it for granted, but you’re never focused on it like you would be for Angie Jolie or Halle Berry. I’m not sure if she got a boob job or the shirt she’s wearing is just supes tight, but man alive, thems yaboos be looking tasty. I wonder if they’re built for speed or comfort. Might be time to pull the motorboat out of the docks.

The Bottom Half: Legs are lookin’ good and I believe I even see a hint of a spicy Aussie backside. I still get that she’s too thin, but the clothes are doing a good job of making it all look palatable.

The Outfit: The shirt is all sorts of thumbs up and delicious. Opened to crazy depths, hinting at what’s beneath it? Nice. Love the color of it, too. It’s not ostentatious or overly rich and designer-y. She looks like a normal person, and that transformation is doing her favors. High waisted pants always look good on tall, skinny girls, and Nicole is no exception. It’s making her stomach look taut and touchable, and perfectly assists in the correct boob placement.

The pose: Ass out, stomach in, chest high… always a great combo. Straight body lines and a little leg kick thrown in? I think better, ahem, lock the door.

The Rest: I dig how daintily she’s holding her hat, how she’s casually rubbing Jackman’s leg, and how she generally just looks pleasant in the moment. The light behind her really compliments the dusted color of her shirt, and doesn’t wash out her light skin. Everything is just put together really well. Like the most epic, expensive Stetson ad, ever.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Add it all up and I get this equation: Pretty face + elegant neck + good hair + hot sugar chesticles + sweet ass + long luscious legs + great pose =

If she turns out to look horrid in the movie, and this was merely a perfect storm of hotness captured by a lucky set photographer, that’ll be OK. If she never looks better than an LA 7 ever again, that’ll be OK too. If she continues to botox hardcore for the next two decades and winds up looking like Joan Rivers’ less annoying niece, that’ll also be OK, because I’ll finally have a bookend to my magnificent Nicole Kidman movie images memory. I can put the two images together and nod my head appreciatively at the body of work she’s put together.

And by “body of work”, I mean the times when she starred in a tentpole event.

And by “tentpole”, I mean in my pants.

And by “in my pants”, I mean…

Bangarang!