Certain actors just NEED to have Oscars. Be it due to their talent, charisma, the roles they play or their longevity, there comes a point in certain actor’s careers when it seems insane they don’t have an Oscar. Like Morgan Freeman before he won for Million Dollar Barfy; go back, didn’t you already THINK he had an Oscar? When you found out he didn’t, it surprised you, right? It’s MORGAN FREEMAN! Voice of God! Step-Granddaughter toucher! Oscarless? Insanity!

Certain actors not having Oscars just sounds wrong (not unlike certain actors HAVING them, ahem Mira Sorvino). Look, I know most awards mean nothing. The actual awards are easily purchased by deep-pocketed studios, desperate to boost the failing box office grosses of their “prestige” pictures. The show itself is nothing more then a poorly disguised commercial for whatever pop culture products need to be pushed near the air date. Actors only show up to pimp those pop culture products (all the more delicious as Award Season is in late Winter when all the truly horrendous movies get released, cough When In Rome, cough… oh, hello Kristen Bell… EVERYWHERE.).

But the Academy Awards mean something. Having an Oscar is important. Not just for the actors, but for us. We grow attached to our stars, and want to see them rewarded for their work. For whatever reason, we NEED them to have an Oscar, to validate what we know about things being good and things being recognized for being good. Which is why it is painful to know that the following ten actors don’t have one.

10 – John Malkovich
I’ve been studying film for fifteen years, and I have NO explanation for this. Really, John Malkovich hasn’t won an Oscar? Even though he played one of THE defining villains of the 90′s (In The Line Of Fire)? The man has a movie NAMED after him, for Pete’s sake! He’s easily one of the best character actors alive on planet Earth today, and there isn’t a person alive who doesn’t get fired up when he comes onscreen. But no Oscar? He deserves at least two for that fakakta accent from Rounders. “Paey dat mein hees mohney” I say, “Geev dat mein hees Ohhsker!”

9 – Sigourney Weaver
How many fantastic Sigourney Weaver performances can you name off the top of your head? I got to five before blink one. Aliens, Ghostbusters, Working Girl, Gorillas in the Mist, Galaxy Quest. Any coincidence that those are five all-time classics? I don’t think so. Weaver is the classic example of an actress that SEEMS to already be an Oscar winner. She’s been nominated three times, but no dice. Her Working Girl loss stings all the more because Geena Davis beat her. Geena? Davis? I love Charlie Baltimore as much as the next guy, but on her BEST day she isn’t even half a Weaver. Get away from her Oscar, you bitch!

(This is only slightly discounted because of Weaver’s indefensible performance in Avatar. The only thing even REMOTEly artificial in that movie was Sigourney’s acting.)

8 – Gary Oldman
There are a great many crazy things that happen in the world. Fergie just gave the best performance in Nine. The Jets may make the Super Bowl this year. George Bush. But right up at the tippy top has GOT to be the fact that Gary Oldman has NEVER been nominated for an Academy Award. Allow me to use the caps lock for better emphasis. GARY OLDMAN HAS NEVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD. The Professional, True Romance, JFK, The Fifth Element, The Contender, The Dark Knight… yeah, this guy doesn’t deserve one AT ALL. If I was running Hollywood, here would be my first order of business:

The Jay: Lacky, bring Gary Oldman an Academy Award.

Lacky: Which category, sir?

The Jay: EEEEVVVERRYOOOOOOOONNNE!

7 – Julianne Moore
She needs to have one so we can stop talking about how she doesn’t have one. Her Oscar Injustice campaign is even more self-righteous than Kate Winslet’s was, and that ain’t easy. Also? She should have won it for Boogie Nights. Kim Basinger deserved it more that year? For what, nearly ruining LA Confidential? No.

6 – Ralph Fiennes
His presence in a movie trailer practically REQUIRES that “Academy Award Winner Ralph Fiennes” graphic studios love to use so much (because it makes the movie seem better than it is). I personally think he’s never won because people are too afraid to mispronounce his name. If he just spelled it “Rafe” he’d have two Oscars by now, I’m telling you. Demi Moore agrees with me.

5 – Jeff Bridges
The Dude does not abide by his Oscarlessness. Thankfully, this atrocity will be rectified in about eight weeks. Who doesn’t love Jeff Bridges? Terrorists? Not likely, cause he played a kick ass one in Blown Away (not talking about the Two Coreys skinemax flick, I know, I’ve made that mistake before, too) (UPDATE: Oops, was just reminded that Bridges played the good guy in Blown Away. MAN those Coreys are distracting. Let’s go with Jeff’s villainous turn in The Vanishing, then, mmk? Mmk). He’s just SO likeable, SO endearing, SO GOOD, we are willing him to win this year. I love it when a long overdue actor is carried across the finish line by the adoring public. Even when it’s for a movie that is beneath them (see: Pacino, Al – Woman, Scent Of A). Also? There’s a better than good chance he accepts his Oscar totally baked out of his mind.

4 – Robert Downey Jr.
Jamie Foxx has an Oscar and Robert Downey Jr. does not. Which guy was the reason you forced yourself to stake awake through The Soloist, for? That’s what I thought. Also? It’s ROBERT DOWNEY JR. He’s the second greatest living actor in the world (see: #2 on this list)!!! Give him a damn Oscar, already! What does he have to do, act in blackface?

3 – Annette Benning
It wasn’t too hard coming up with men for this list, but the women were tough. The Academy is actually REALLY good at spreading the love around to all the A-list actresses. Cate, Nicole, Reese, Renee, Catherine, Kate, Julia, Meryl, Halle, Penelope, Helen, Angelina and Charlize all have one. Which makes Annette Benning not having one seem beyond dumb. Is it because she married Warren Beatty? Is she being punished for making The Siege? Somebody please give me a reason why Caroline Burnham is Oscar-less. Watch this clip:

That’s not one of the Best Actresses in Hollywood? Don’t you dare to lie me!

2 – Matt Damon
Matt Damon is the best actor working today. He is the best actor currently alive. These are the facts, and they are indisputable. Has Matt Damon EVER been ANYthing less than believable? Has he EVER not been fun to watch? Has he EVER not been the best thing in his movies? Tom Ripley, Jason Bourne, Linus Caldwell, Private Ryan, Will Hunting, Loki; I remember his character’s names! And those aren’t even his BEST performances! Courage Under Fire, The Departed, The Informant, Syrianna, Rounders and Stuck on You are equally good. Not to mention the time he made out with Grace Adler on the couch (‘Thanks for the tea. And aay.”). Matt Damon can do no wrong. And yet he can’t BUY an Oscar. I love me some Jeff Bridges. Stick It is my steez. And I am telling you: Matt Damon’s performance in The Informant was the best thing put to celluloid in 2009.

1 – Tom Cruise
Throw away everything you know about Tom Cruise’s personal life. Throw away the Katie Holmes, the Suri, the Scientology, the homosexuality rumors, the sham marriage to Nicole Kidman, the mis-aligned front teeth. Put it all in the trash (this is not me impersonating Clooney in Up in the Air, just btdubs). Now take a look at Tom Cruise. What do you see? You see the Greatest Movie Star in the History of Cinema, don’t you? That should be rewarded, shouldn’t it?

Tom Cruise doesn’t just carry movies, he IS movies. Paramount can’t even SHOW a movie script to someone until Tom Cruise has passed on it. His face is BUILT to be projected on 50-foot screens. His body is a perfect screen body: pigeon-chested, stout and malleable. His intensity is magnetic. Hell, his hair is a bigger movie star than Ryan Reynolds will EVER be. Tom Cruise was designed to be a Movie God. His brilliance and success was pre-ordained. And yet? He has never been rewarded for his work.

Jerry Maguire, Born on the Fourth of July, Magnolia, Rain Man, Vanilla Sky; ALL of those performances deserved Oscars. And if Sandra Bullock wins for The Blind Side, then Tom Cruise should have won for A Few Good Men. Want more? What was the funniest performance in 2009? Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder. #fact

Does anyone do blockbuster performances better? You don’t love Tom in Top Gun? He isn’t ANYthing but riveting in Minority Report? You’re telling me you have enough control over your body to LOOK AWAY from Tom in Mission: Impossible? No. You’re not saying those things. Because those are things no one says!

If George Clooney has an Oscar, Tom Cruise should have an Oscar. If Jack Nicholson has THREE, Tom deserves at least one. Nicolas Cage has an Oscar and he’s a crazy person. So why doesn’t Tom have one?

There will be a time, maybe fifteen years from now, when Tom Cruise disappears for 30 days and comes back with a movie. Something small, something personal. And he will be so good in it that we have no choice but to hand him the Academy Award for Best Actor. The standing ovation for that announcement will set endurance records. And we will all look back at his resume and wonder what took so damn long. He’s only been the Biggest Movie Star in the World for 40 years. He’s only TOM CRUISE.

I mean, isn’t that what the Academy Awards were invented for? So that we can give Tom Cruise an Oscar and everyone can be happy about it?

Here’s the thing: I’m a simple man with simple needs. I want things to be good, and I need people to love those things. These ten actors are good, and I want the Academy to start loving them. Because I will not live in a world where Hilary Swank has TWO Oscars, and these fantastic people have NONE. I won’t do it. I just won’t do it.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

The hope is that reading this list will help you to learn more about Jason Matthews (aka “The Jay’). It shouldn’t be an exercise in bashing my taste. Cause we all like some really bad pop culture (hey Keanu!), and no one should be judged by their guilty pleasures. The idea is not for me to tell you what to like or what you should think. I’m not making a case that my list is any better or valid than any of the other indulgent Best Of The Decade lists (which all suck) that are overloading the Internet right now. I didn’t pick these movies to make you think I’m some cool, with it know-it-all. Frankly, all that doesn’t matter to me.

I’m simply saying, for me, these were the ones that mattered. For whatever it’s worth.

40 – Mean Girls

Was the catalyst for the rise (and fall) of Lindsey Lohan: failed actress, successful tabloid whore, ginger person; introduced the world to Rachel McAdams; tried to make “fetch” happen. This movie had a lot going on.

39 – Collateral

Tom Cruise is more fun to watch as a villain. Consider: Magnolia, Interview with a Vampire, Tropic Thunder, Vanilla Sky. Wait, he wasn’t the villain in Vanilla Sky? But then why was he trying to eat my soul with his mis-aligned upper teeth, serial killer mask and frightening intensity?

38 – High Fidelity

Lloyd Dobler grew up, got way into music and became a manic-depressive. A happy ending? Not quite. But it did result in a smart, hyper-literal movie with Tim Robbins getting a long-deserved beat down, totes supes CZJ side boob, Lisa Bonet singfucking us some Peter Frampton, Jack Black being actually funny instead of the not funny he’s become, the obliges John Cusack standing forlornly in the rain shot and maybe the hottest sex scene of the 2000’s (starring, shocker, Tim Robbins).

37 – Juno

Is it obnoxious writing? Yes. (I considered writing ‘honest to blog there, but didn’t really want to throw up on my keyboard, so you know.) Is Ellen Page too precocious by half? Correct. Is what the movie has to say kinda offensive? Pretty much. But I can’t take away the amazing work done by Jason Bateman, Jen Garner (her scene in the mall is a killer) and Allison Janney. And any movie that makes its male lead a Cross Country and Track star is all right by me.

36 – Old School

“He’s gonna do one!” Nuff said.

35 – Unbreakable

The best comic book origin movie that you didn’t realize was actually a comic book origin movie ever. I miss M. Night’s fastball.

34 – Atonement

If only for the score, the library sex scene and BRIIIIOOOOONNNNYYY! Also? Everything else about this movie.

33 – Moulin Rouge!

I can sing both parts of Elephant Love Medley by heart, nine years later. That has to count for something.

32 – Sideways

I hated this movie for a long, long time. And I can’t forgive the movie for causing a fungal rash of sad bastard men movies to be made (mostly all starring Paul Giamatti or PSH, obvs). But the movie got people into wine, my favorite hobby, and shined a light on Santa Barbara Wine Country, my favorite place in the world. And despite my issues with the story, THIS is amazing writing:

“I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your ’61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline. …And it tastes so fucking good.”

31 – The Queen

A stunning picture, credits to credits. Gets extra credit for making me want to do to horrifyingly sexual things to a septuagenarian. (What? Helen Mirren is HOT. #fact)

30 – The Bourne Ultimatum

For the Waterloo Station sequence alone.

29 – Mission Impossible 3

Secretly the best action movie of the decade. And easily one of the best action movie teasers of all-time.

28 – Pride and Prejudice

The film that made me turn the corner on Keira Knightley. It’s a beautiful adaptation, has the most sweeping camera work, and the ensemble brings it with powerful yet subtle acting. Loved this movie.

27 – The Perfect Score

A perfect 80’s teen movie, twenty years too late.

26 – The Blind Side

The best movie of 2009. And it’s not even close. Saw it in theaters twice, cried both times. The best work Sandy has ever done, and she’s done a lot of great work. Hollywood doesn’t make movies like this anymore, but they should.

25 – Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Shane Black at his sardonic, quippy, violent action best, RoDoJu bringing the funny, Val tapping into his Real Genius performance, AND Michelle Monaghan topless? How was this movie not a GIANT success?

24 – Zoolander

The movie I have quoted the most this decade. It isn’t a particularly good movie, but there’s not a person I know who doesn’t, every so often, cough lightly in public and say “I have the black lung, pop”.

23 – Taken

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”*

*Gets extra credit for being the only time I went to the Bridge Cinema and didn’t have the worst movie-going experience in my life. What is WRONG with those people? Take your idiot conversations, text messaging and general hooliganery OUT of the theater. There are people trying to watch Liam Neeson kill foreigners here!

22 – The Core

Quite possibly the dumbest disaster movie Hollywood has ever put out, and that includes the one where Dennis Quaid runs away from weather, but I can’t help but love something that knows how stupid it actually is. And I can’t help but be charmed by a movie that has its hero pitch a full-on temper tantrum AT his love interest. That takes balls.

21 – Iron Man

The most fun of any blockbuster in the last ten years. Gets props for casting RoDoJu right off of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, when no one thought he had a Franchise in him. Made Gwyneth Paltrow fun again (no easy feat). And the scene of Stark testing out the flying mechanism in his workshop is an underrated special effects stunner.

20 – Minority Report

If for this scene alone:

You may weep now.

19 – The Aviator

As someone who has fought (and occasionally won) the battle of obsessive-compulsive disorder, I can relate to this film on a molecular level. And I could watch Leonardo dress down Cate Blanchett every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

“Don’t you ever talk talk down to me! You’re a movie star, nothing more!”

18 – No Country For Old Men

Was the Best Picture in the best year for Best Pictures of the decade. And putting this here means I get to link to my Javier Bardem Oscar post, one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. Done!

17 – Ocean’s Eleven

A compulsively watchable flick, the best star cast of the decade, an instant TNT New Classic and just plain, good old-fashioned fun. Brad Pitt eating in every scene, the wink wink lame ‘happily ever after’ kiss at the end, Julia emailing in her performance, “Whisky and a whisky”, the all of the everything that is Topher Grace and Matt Damon FINALLY making me like him (if not so much his pig nose).

16 – Catch Me If You Can

Some of the best work Spielberg has done in two decades, and it all feels tossed off, making me love it all the more. Haunting, genuine work by Christopher Walken (not easy at this point, if you think about it), the best knock knock joke ever, a game Tom Hanks, my favorite opening credits of the decade and Leo being Leo. There’s something about D-Cap’s work in the 2000’s that hit me hard. He played guys missing answers and trying desperately to find them, which I heart. You’ll notice that starts to be a recurring theme from here on out.

15 – Punch Drunk Love

A mesmerizing movie, if only for the pillow talk.

14 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

The schadenfreude alone qualifies the movie for Best Ever status. Smith has no business being good, considering its troubled production, and the fact that the movie could have just put a close up on Brangelina’s faces for two hours and called it a day and we would have ate it up, and yet it is. Very good, in fact. The Brad on Angelina fight was fantastic, the freeway gunfight with Truths Revealed sequence was electrifying (“Art?” “History! It’s reputable.”), Vince Vaughn was stellar, Adam Brody got beat up (counts for a LOT), and I can’t get enough of Brad telling Angelina she “looked like Christmas morning”. I’m on Team Aniston, for the real, but this movie almost makes up for her trauma.

13 – Bring It On

The Citizen Kane of cheerleader movies. Also, the only movie Kirsten Dunst has EVER been likable in. And, um, hello, Eliza Dushku in a bikini, washing cars. My work here is done.

12 – Kill Bill ½

Part 1 is ultra-badass, Part 2 is exhilarating filmmaking. Would rank higher if QT had taken out the anime sequence (not interested, thanks), reduced the time Uma was trapped in a coffin (my greatest fear), and eased back on the foot fetish. We get it, Uma has great toes! Can we get back to the swords and exploitation now?

11 – The Notebook

I get that I’m a guy and therefore shouldn’t have this on my list. But you can’t tell me this wasn’t a seminal movie of the decade. That it didn’t change things. You can’t. Gosling and McAdams were the most watchable lovers in any movie of the last ten years. Period. I loved this movie the first time I saw it, and when I rewatched it again for this list, you know what I found out about my love for it? It wasn’t over. It’s still not over!

/makes out with this movie in the rain

10 – X-Men

I saw this movie in theaters five times, maybe the most I have ever seen any movie in the theaters. The movie is not without issues: the ending is small, Halle Berry is atrocious, Anna Paquin makes me Ralph and the pace is like an injured turtle. But man alive, Hugh Jackman’s arms. Hugh freaking Jackman’s. Arms.

Please excuse me while I go do 150 push-ups.

9 – Garden State

I make no apologies for this movie. It’s trendy to bash Garden State because of the weak, cliché writing, but you know what all you people? Go fuck yourself. This movie is GREAT. The Coldplay, the slow motion zooms, the WIDE establishing shots, the Natalie Portman, what’s not to like? Guys ding this movie unfairly because they are jealous Zach Braff got to make out with Natalie Portman in the rain, which is (not so) secretly our greatest wish in life. But we need to get over ourselves. And wannabe filmmakers hate this movie because they believe they could do it better. But if they could, they would, and they haven’t. Braff may be a King Douche, but he gets credit for doing it. And the doing is the whole point.

8 – The Royal Tenenbaums

Wes Anderson, irritating storytelling warts and all, is a singular voice in American filmmaking. This is his best work, and it’s not even close.

“The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. “Vámonos, amigos,” he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.”

7 – Wedding Crashers

Any film that opens with a ten minute montage of partying, bare boobs, cake and great dialogue, and then gives us Walken being an oddball, McAdams being luminous, Jane Seymour MILF-ing it up, Bradley Cooper playing a character named Sack Lodge, and the everything of the all that is the stage-5 clinger Isla Fisher, with a truly hilarious Will Ferrell cameo to boot, automatically makes me Top Movies of the Decade list. Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just obey them. So no excuses, play like a champion.

6 – Anchorman

I submit to you the following:

Any questions?

5. Brick

It could be the dialogue. It could be the style. It could be the camera work. It could be the score. But really, it’s about the journey. Of a guy looking for answers. A guy who refuses to just leave it be. A guy who needs to know. And who pays the price for that information.

4 – Harry Potter 3 and 5

Parts one and two are kids movies. Four is easy to digest mainstream snore. Six is too insular for its own good. But 3 and 5, Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix? They’re about something. They have something to say. They are filmmaking of the highest order. Two harsh, magnificent, brutal chapters in the life of a tragic boy, who wants nothing more than to be normal, happy and loved, and continues to suffer for wanting those things and having the gall to ask for them.

It’s easy to write this franchise off because of its popularity, but never forget that this is a story of a boy whose parents were murdered, a boy being hunted down every moment of his life, a boy with the literal world on his shoulders, a boy who can relate to no one, but who never backs down for a fight and will stop at nothing to protect those he cares about, even if it means dying. Let’s see Team Bella do that.

3 – Spartan

I’m a doer. I see a job that needs to get done, I do it. No complaints, no questions. I will go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen. Spartan is a movie made for people like me. Gripping, intense, honorable and the best Mamet dialogue an aspiring playwright could ask for.

And if you ever wanted to pull life advice from a movie, this is the movie to do it.

“You had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren’t you ready?”

“The hardest thing, y’know what it is? It isn’t going in the door, it’s coming out.”

“Why would I want to know? I ain’t a planner, I ain’t a thinker. I never wanted to be. You got to set your motherfucker to receive. Listen to me. They don’t go through the door, we don’t ask why. That’s not a cost, it’s benefit. Because we get to travel light. They tell me where to go. Tell me what to do when I get there.”

2 – The 25th Hour

I tend to respond the most to movies about conflicted characters reflecting on their past, trying to figure out where things went wrong, and considering how to fix it going forward. This is the finest version of that story.

I dream of writing something as beautiful as the last ten minutes:

1 – Before Sunset

I look at my Top Ten and I see a pattern. And the pattern is me. We love movies for all sorts of reasons, but the ones that matter to us, tend to matter for one specific reason. Their story, in a fashion, is our story.

I started this decade as a freshman in College. All optimism, energy and naïveté. I was a hopeless romantic, with not an ounce of practicality. I had done nothing, but believed I felt everything. I end this decade a professional. I am hardened, realistic, unlike that 18 year-old boy in every way. I spent ten years searching for answers. Trying to discover the right path to happiness. And I haven’t found it yet. But I can look back, see the course of my life and understand how things fit. Why they went the way they did. Why I am here, in this place, in this moment, today. Which is good.

But that doesn’t mean I like it. And it doesn’t mean I accept it.

Before Sunset is that story. Tracking your life across a long span, deciphering the choices made, from love to career to everything else. Seeing so clearly how it all went down, but being powerless to alter things for the better. And then, in the most perfect cinematic way, two people are given a second chance. They are given an opportunity to get it right, this time, knowing now what they wish they knew then. And it’s on them to make it happen.

Before Sunset is an escape in the best way possible. It’s fun imagining I’m Neo or Riggs or John McClane or the guys from Wedding Crashers, shooting guns, being a hero, getting laid, etc. But it’s better, and more fulfilling, to imagine getting that second chance. To imagine saying all the right things in all the right ways to the right person. And hearing them say all the right things back to you.

It’s a movie about hope, the one thing I take with me the most into the new decade. The hope that I will figure it out. The hope that I won’t need that second chance, because when it counts, I will get it right the first time.

Movies are and always have been my education. I learn who I am from what I watch. These 40 movies, more than any others, taught me the most about myself this decade. And I will take the knowledge I have gained into the next decade and try to better myself, little by little, every day.

I am smarter, stronger, kinder, and more able to survive and thrive. What’s the job? Find me. I’ve had my whole life to prepare for this moment.

I am ready.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

Former Super-White Hot Mega-Huge Ginormous Movie Star Tom Cruise took time out of his busy Valkyrie (slash career-saving) promotional schedule this week to tape a message for Hills douchecouple Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, chiding Spencer for not allowing Heidi to have the big tabloid spectacle wedding her publicist dreamed of. Also this week, The Cruiser stopped by Canada’s MuchonDemand studio to be further embarrassed about his once uber-bright movie career.

With just two weeks left before his Good Nazi’s vs. Bad Nazi’s thriller brings us all a bit of Christmas joy, Tom is on a mad dash to spread the word about the film. His PR team has sent around a list of highlights left on his promotional jag. I will share this list with you now.

December 10th - Tom will do a live-to-tape interview on BBC1 with British flunkie Russell Brand. Topics in discussion: how he picks his movie roles, his love of Katie Holmes and effect of skinny jeans on manjunk.

December 11th - Tom will appear make a cameo appearance on an episode of Doña Bárbara for Mexico’s Telemundo. He will be playing the part of Tomas, the wise caucasian gardener

December 13th - Tom will guest cantor Stuart Weingardner’s Bar Mitzvah at Temple Beth El in Bloomfield Hills, MI. His Kaddush is not to be missed.

December 14th - Tom is scheduled to do a brief interview on local Boston Public Access Show “Sully and Denise”, to discuss the Boston Red Sox’s decision not to pursue free agent pitcher CC Sabathia. It should be wicked pisser!

December 15th - Tom will cut the ribbon for the grand opening of Earl’s Eyepatches in Chula, Georgia.

December 17th - A much-deserved day off.

December 18th - Tom will appear on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. (He is still TOM CRUISE, after all)

December 20th - Tom will spend one hour anonymously posting anti-Australia comments to tomcruiseblog.blogspot.com.

December 21st - Scientology function. No details provided.

December 23rd - Tom will ride the ceremonial John Deere tractor in the 36th Annual Gold Star Tractathalon Tractor Pull in Amarillo, Texas.

December 25th - Tom will appear at the corner of Olympic and Sepulveda in West LA holding a cardboard sign that has “Please go see my movie!” written in nearly illegible black sharpie.

In related news, Tom Cruise really needs a new PR team.

Bangarang!

According to a recent British study, SMG’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer is being cited as a catalyst for 50,000 women converting to Paganism. 50,000! Because of SMG and a wooden stick! I mean, I get that David Boreanaz proves there is no God, and Eliza Dushku proves there are angels living amongst us, but paganism? Where did they get that bullshit? Because it’s a show about female empowerment, women of the world start believing in Wicca? Uh… hu-what? Neve Campbell and a Smiths song couldn’t pull off that trick, but for some reason SMG, her jacked up nose and a few witty bon mots about vampires pulls it off?

Whatever boats your float, I guess.

But ANYway… that’s not what this post is about. A celebrity has caused 50,000 people to convert to a nonsense religion. If that isn’t a cause for an old school TheJay.com list post, I don’t know what is. So, without further ado, because Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t deserve any more bandwidth, and really she has her own problems, what with not being able to open a Direct-to-DVD movie, her husband becoming a writer for the WWE of all places, and you know, nobody actually liking her, I present to you “Other Religious Conversions Caused By Celebrities”.

List time!

- Lindsay Lohan converted 8,000 confused teenage girls in into Fauxmosexuals.

- Kirsten Dunst is responsible for the mass conversion to Dentalism.

- Tom Cruise converted the nation, minus 70k or so, to ANY OTHER religion but Scientology.

- Reese Witherspoon sold a million people’s souls to the Devil, as is her silent profession. Forty thousand more and she gets a free set of steak knives and a $27 million opening weekend to her next “romantic” “comedy”.

- SJP has converted 32 unfortunate souls to Horsefaceism. Amanda Peet has not been the same since.

- Angelina Jolie converted Brad Pitt into a wet blanket.

- Matthew McConaughey is going door to door, personally banging the doctrine’s of Alright-ianity into every above average female in Southern California. And yes, this holy ceremony is done shirtless. Brewski’s are also involved.

- Michael Phelps has converted exactly no one into “You-can’t-swim-as-fast-as-me-ism”, cause seriously, no one can swim as fast as him. One time, at the downtown Y, he lapped God. True story.

- Matthew Broderick has been trying to convert people away from religion. He doesn’t believe in “isms”. He thinks people should believe in themselves. But then, he married SJP, so what the eff does Ferris know, anyway?

- Natalie Portman probably converted a whole bunch of dudes to Judaism. I don’t have a joke here, I just imagine that’s the only way for her goyim fanbase to potentially snag her. That, and being a dirty hippie who makes bad music. She loves those douchebags.

- Mel Gibson converted a whole many people into Catholics. Then, later, a whole lot more into anti-Mel Gibson-ites.

- Michael Bay bows down to the God of Explosions. And since Megan Fox is one his congregants, this might be a viable alternative for me if this whole Judaism thing doesn’t work out.

- And of course, Shia LaBeouf converted himself from nice, upstanding young boy to the religion of Drunken LIARS! …oh SHIA!

Bangarang!

My cohort in offline bitchy celeb ragging, Audiebird, has always had an amusingly soft spot for Suri Cruise. While she revels in tearing apart the bodies and souls of the pretty people who make up our entertainment (you should see how she goes on about star cankles), she patently refuses to speak about Suri. She just loves her. And who can blame her? The kid, while quite possibly a bit down syndrome-y (I mean, just look at that face), is supes totes adores, but beyond that, you can’t help but feel sorry for her.

Shiloh doesn’t necessarily come from a stable environment either, but you have to think it’s a fantastical life that kid is going to lead. But what becomes of Suri, day to day? Her mom is in a mind prison, her father is bipolar in the least, clinically depressive in the middle, full on crazy at the most, and most importantly, a freakishly actor-y actor at the top. As well, the swirls of Scientology envelop her whole being. It’s nigh on inevitable that she will need extensive amount of therapy. Meredith Grey-levels of therapy. Most celebabies will need a shrink at some point, but c’mon! Suri has to take the couch prize here (no pun intended).

And so it was that a few days after David Cook triumphed in American Idol, Audiebird and I were sitting around, bored out of our minds (cause what were we gonna do, go see Indy 4? How about no, OK?), flipping through random US Weekly’s, as we do, when we saw an item about Tom and Katie hosting a huge party to celebrate the purchase of their new Beverly Hills mansion (read: actual, physical locally operated prison for Katie). And suddenly hit me. Like a smack in the face. Like a Jessica Alba pregnant bikini pic I couldn’t look away from. We need to save Suri Cruise. Audiebird and I had already mused about flying to New York to see Katie’s Broadway show and then snatching the cute tyke from backstage and whisking her away to a better life. But that was silly talk. Back when our shows were still on. But with repeats on across the board, now we were serious (read: bored). It had to be done.

Why?

Cause the crazy celebrity parents always win. Follow the tabloids long enough, the Star Tracks never change. Unless, when that perfect celebrity offspring comes along, you take her and sell your story to TMZ. Then, us civilians get to win. (Did I rush that speech? Felt like I rushed it?)

So we set up to make this happen. We hired eight guys to get the job done: a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros, a Leon Spinks, and the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever. I thought we were covered, but Audiebird felt we needed one more. So we got one more. Spoiler alert: it was Matt Damon (he had his reasons).

We had our plan and were going to put it into effect until we realized something… none of us wanted to go to jail. Also none of us really wanted to be around Tom Cruise. So we ditched the plan, got drunk and listened to David Cook sing “Always Be My Baby” on loop for a couple hours. Great night. We were a bit bummed that Suri would have to continue to endure her stranglehold of a life, but we vowed to keep our eyes open, and if ever the time was right, say, at a random Starbucks run-in or next year’s NYC Marathon, we would rescue Suri AND Katie, and make this Star-crazy world a bit better of a place.

But I wanted to share with you guys our plan. It was a good one, and I see no reason to keep it under wraps. So forthwith, please enjoy our roundtable discussion on how we were going to steal/save Suri Cruise.

INT. THE JAY’S PLACE – NIGHT

Nine guys of various levels of fame, plus Audiebird and The Jay, sit around the living room of The Jay’s palatial Valley estate. A plasma screen behind shows a 3D blueprint of the target site, and rotates to show the plan as it’s announced.

THE JAY: Gentlemen: the 3000 block of Beverly Boulevard. Otherwise known as the new Beverly Hills Mansion of famed batshit crazy actor Tom Cruise, and his zombie war bride, Katie Holmes. Together, they’re one of the three most photographed power couples in Hollywood… Suri Cruise. The most adorable celebaby ever conceived in a lab using the egg of a one-time hottie teen drama actress and the sperm cocktail of a long-dead science fiction writer, the diminutive star of The Firm, and quite possibly Chris Klein. When not locked in Katie’s mind prison, which is rare, or in Tom’s desperate arms for a not at all posed, candid photo op, which is even more rare, she is located below the mansion, beneath two hundred feet of solid earth, in her crib. She safeguards every potential report of Tom’s compromised heterosexuality and the legitimacy of his sham marriage. …And we’re going to steal/save her.

MATT DAMON: Smash-and-grab job, huh?

AUDIEBIRD: It’s a little more complicated than that.

MATT DAMON: Well yeah! (Matt Damon!)

THE JAY: Courtesy of Perez Hilton, d-bag online gossip columnist dujour, are security tapes from TomKat’s new mansion. Okay. Bad news first. This place houses a security system which rivals most American Idol Season Finale tapings. First: we have to get within the front gates, which anyone knows takes more than a smile and a Star Map. Next: through the auditing doors, each of which requires a different six-digit code changed every twelve hours. Past those lies the elevator, and this is where it gets tricky: the elevator won’t move without authorized tone scale mood indications –

AUDIEBIRD: — which we can’t fake –

THE JAY: — and theta level confirmations from both the Celebrity Center within Scientology Headquarters and the crib vault below – -

AUDIEBIRD: — which we won’t get.

THE JAY: Furthermore, the elevator shaft is rigged with SP motion detectors –

AUDIEBIRD: — meaning if we manually override the lift, or don’t believe in Xenu, the shaft’s exit will lock down automatically and we’ll be trapped.

THE JAY: Once we’ve gotten down the shaft, though, then it’s a walk in the park: just three Scientologists with personality tests, and the most elaborate vault door conceived by man or L. Ron. Any questions?

Silence. For a moment, each man keeps his two dozen questions or more to himself. At last, one speaks up… The Random Chinese Guy (we tried to get the pan-asian dude who played Rufio, but he was booked). Of course, no one understands The Random Chinese Guy. Except Audiebird (natch).

AUDIEBIRD: No. Tunneling is out. They have scales monitoring the ground for one hundred yards in every direction. If a paparazzi tried to breath their air, or steal their garbage, they’d know about it. Anyone else?

SCOTT CAAN: You said something about good news…

THE JAY: The Hollywood Tabloid Commission stipulates: a celebrity must make enough public appearances to cover their Q rating and magazine cover stories. That means: during the week, by entertainment industry law, pictures of Suri and the family will net you anywhere from sixty to seventy thousand dollars in cash and coin. On a weekend, out with just Katie, between eighty and ninety thousand. On her own, without Tom or Katie, taken from a private party, like the one two weeks from tonight, the night we’re going to steal/save Suri, at least a hundred and fifty thousand and a full segment on Access Hollywood. Without breaking a sweat. Now there are eleven of us. Each with an equal share. You do the math.

OLD CARL REINER: I have a question. Say we get into the Mansion, and through the auditing checkpoint, and down the tone scale elevator we can’t move, and past the scientologists with personality tests, and into the crib vault we can’t open…

AUDIEBIRD: Without being seen by the cameras.

THE JAY: Oh, right. Sorry. I forgot to mention that.

REALLY OLD CARL REINER: Say we do all that. We’re just supposed to walk outta there with Suri Cruise herself, without getting stopped?

THE JAY: Yeah.

Would have been a great plan… one day, Suri. One day. Be strong…

Bangarang!

So color me stunned when famed Dawson Leery sloppy seconds lover, Tom Cruise, went on the Oprah Winfrey show last week and admitted he was “wrong” about his comments on post-partum depression. He apologized for attacking Brooke Shields, and expressed his newfound belief that post partum depression can not be cured simply by taking vitamins (though, he did also claim that an Orange Wilma Flintstone vitamin cured him of “abnormal thoughts” back in 1996, so maybe he hasn’t learned that much). He further explained that he felt “pressed” by the media during his couch-jumping, batshit crazy period, and regrets saying a lot of things on TV.

The newly humble Cruise, fresh off the monumental failure that was Lions For Lambs, still plugging his ongoing sham marriage, and desperate for the love we all once had for the diminutive star, ran down a litany of things he once said or did that he now believes are mistakes. I have collected those comments for your perusal. You can judge just how truly sorry he is for the “mistakes” he once made.

OTHER THINGS TOM CRUISE WAS WRONG ABOUT:

- Tom admitted that he was wrong to date Penelope Cruz for two years. Not because they weren’t a happy couple, but because she had only signed a deal to be his beard for 18 months, and the negotiation for the additional six months was pretty onerous. Also, because he could never understand a word she was saying.

- Turns out, all the research Tom claimed to have conducted about drug addiction wasn’t actually factual medical information. It was just an early draft of the Requiem for a Dream script that got left on his desk (in his defense, Jared Leto can be quite confusing).

- Despite his initial fears, luring, capturing and commanding the mind of a teen soap star was far easier than Tom thought. Dealing with Scarlet Johansson, on the other hand, was just as annoying as predicted. He then wished Ryan Reynolds well in navigating that husky-voiced, square-bodied landmine.

- Tom regrets choosing to play a Nazi as his big comeback film; feels it may NOT have been the best vehicle for getting back into the hearts of the American people. In related news, Valkyrie has been delayed a full year while filmmakers try to figure out how to make a Nazi Tom Cruise appealing to anyone beyond the day staff at the Celebrity Center.

- Tom has come to realize, after many moments of soul-searching, that association with Ben Stiller in any form might be detrimental to his already damaged public image. Just ask Owen Wilson (too soon?).

- Electrocuting the most beloved TV personality in the world? Maybe not his finest hour.

- Tom doesn’t view his comments on the infamous Scientology Video as a mistake; he was speaking from the heart, and meant what he said. But looking back, maybe he wouldn’t wear the black turtleneck; that much neck fat should really only be rocked by a Thanksgiving Day turkey, or by John Goodman.

- And of course, he regrets hiring a sex doctor to teach him and then wife Nicole Kidman how to have realistic looking straight people sex for his Stanley Kubrick misfire, Eyes Wide Shut. Though the doctor was able to work through Tom’s awkwardness around the naked female form and successfully get the couple to look like they like each other on film, he was not, however, able to achieve Tom’s ultimate goal of the arrangement: convincing Tom that girls don’t have cooties. Sadly, Katie Holmes must now bath in an anti-cootie solution before and after she comes into the bedroom. And by” bedroom”, I of course mean “mind prison”.

So as you can see, Tom showed much contrition about his crazy antics of the last few years. He clarified comments, apologized for weird behavior and even acknowledged the creepiness of Ben Stiller. But the one thing Tom did not do? The one thing Tom will never agree was a mistake? Putting Colonel Jessup on the stand. He wanted answers. And after all, he was entitled to them! The big question is: can he still handle the truth? At least for today, the answer seems to be a resounding “sort of”.

Bangarang!

OHH, OHH! Tommy! My bubeleh! How are you, dear? Huh? How are ya? You look thin! Why don’t you eat? Enh? Enh? How come you never eat? What, you trying to impress a girl? She’ll like you as you are or pttt pttt she’s not worth it. OH! You look so cute in your big boy suit, all farpitz. And you’re getting so tall. When did you get so tall? Huh? Soon I’ll be lookin up at you, enh? What a day!

Are you excited for your Bar Mitzvah? Enh? You been working with the Rabbi? Learning your Torah? Oh, you’re such a good little boy, Tommy. I love you. You know? Grammy loves you! She could stand to hear from you more often, like it would kill you to pick up a phone, do a mitzvah, but I love you.

So how’s life there? Vi gaits? School good? Friends good? Got yourself a girlfriend? Heartbreaka, you are! Oof! I always tells your mutha, that Tommy is gonna be a heartbreaka! Enh? You got a little girlfriend? Enh? Tell your grandmutha. She better be good to you, hear me? Let me tell you, it was different in my day. Back when I was living in the creek, must have been sixty years ago now, it was a different time. No cell phones, no internet. Just me, your Grandfather Pacey, Mi Amocha, may he rest in peace, and the creek. I was working as a server, you know what a server is? I was a waitress. Ha! Like a girl of my looks shoulda been doing that, I won’t ever know! Don’t get me started, enh!

I chased after your Grandfather! And let me tell you, he was quite the looka! Ooh! Full head of hair, attitude for days, a rebel like you don’t even know! Feh! He used to sleep with teachers, oy gevald! But he was a good man. I straightened him out. And he was a good grandfather, right? Ohh Tommy, such a great grandson! Are we gonna nosh? Let’s go nosh. Your grandmutha needs to feed you, you don’t get enough food.

I saw this interview you did on the computuh; my nurse showed it to me. You were on the TV with that big African girl and you were making such a scene, I don’t get it. What is this fercockta business with the couch? Why do you have to make such a fuss? You were always such a mensch. Don’t be such a pisher, girls aren’t gonna like you, you act meshuga like that. Let your Bubba tell you what’s what. You grow up and get a good job, be a docta or a lawya, and you make a family. Be smart. This acting business, feh, all it ever is is he schtupped her , she wears what, k’vestch k’vestch, and none of them ever eat. You want that for yourself, Tommy? Everything in the world such a shanda? Listen to your Grammy, she’s old, she knows what she’s talking about.

Alright, alright, I’m tired, oy vai, time to get me home. Tommy, you are a good boy taking your poor old Grammy out to lunch. You’re a good kid, you know that? You’re a good kid. How you doin’ with money? Enh? You need some gelt, Grammy’ll give you some gelt. No arguin’, just put it in your pocket, save it, buy yourself something nice. Alright? OK? Give me a kiss goodbye. Mazel tov, bubeleh. Go do something good now. Something fun for your Grammy, sitting up here in this home all by herself. Nothing and nobody to talk to.

Don’t forget to call your Grandmutha once in a while! It wouldn’t kill ya!

Oy vey!