Tom Cruise

THINGS I SAW IN 2006 THAT WERE REALLY, REALLY GOOD

Here are the ten movies I saw in 2006 that totally blew my mind. They might not be the “best” movies of the year (I can’t in good conscience say that Jackass Number Two is a “better” movie than Letters From Iwo Jima or Little Children), but each of them entertained, provoked and intrigued me beyond measure.

Full disclosure: I haven’t seen all the Academy Bait movies yet, so this list is somewhat incomplete. On the other hand, I have valid reasons for not having seen certain films by now. I’m a heterosexual man with little love for Jamie Foxx and Beyonce, which is why I haven’t rushed out to see Dreamgirls. I’ve never been that geeked about seeing In The Bedroom, director Todd Field’s last picture, so despite it starring Kate Winslet (a Top 5 actress in my book), I’m in no hurry to see Little Children. Clint Eastwood keeps burning me with bad Paul Haggis movies, so there’s a good chance I will never see either of his WWII epics (and I like Ryan Phillippe and Ken Watanabe). Little Miss Sunshine just sort of passed me by. It’s sitting on my dresser as I type this, but I seem to be far more prone to watch TiVo’d episodes of My Boys than to the charming little Indie that could. And I like Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette and Steve Carell.

Here are the other movies I’ve yet to see, for whatever reason: World Trade Center (one 9/11 movie per year is enough for me), Bobby (not a chance, Emilio), Blood Diamond, Pursuit of Happyness (if Will’s not getting jiggy in it or beating up a CGI creature, I’m not interested), Catch A Fire, Happy Feet, The Good Shepherd, The Good German (yeah right, Tobey Maguire), The Painted Veil, Notes On A Scandal, Miss Potter (and I like Renee and Ewan)

In an up and down year I wouldn’t rank in the top 15 of all-time years, here are my picks for the top ten films of the year:

10. United 93

Manipulative, forced, mannered, choppy and vague. And yet, still brilliant. Even though I knew I was being manipulated I couldn’t help but be drawn in. I love that every major event happens in the background (like the reveal of the first hijacked plane). I liked that director Paul Greengrass chose not to give us an extented backstory on each passenger (something disaster movies are all but required to do at this point, ahem Snakes on a Plane). I liked that they used the real air traffic controllers from that fateful day, instead of recognizable actors. I liked that the film happened in real time, so the confusion you felt about what was happening mirrored the confusion on the part of the characters. I appreciated the film’s respect of the event. I appreciated it’s skill, it’s confidence, it’s knowledge, it’s preparation, and most of all, it’s execution. I don’t think for a second that the Academy will give United 93 the Best Picture Oscar, but if it did, I wouldn’t complain.

9. Jackass Number Two

Not every movie is supposed to make you think, some just want to entertain you. And in the case of Jackass Number Two, that’s alright with me. I didn’t laugh more in any other film this year. Gross, disgusting, vulgar, violent and awesome. I make no excuses for loving this flick, or for rating it as high as I did. When a movie so thoroughly entertains you that it takes a couple minutes to come up with something funnier or more subversively brilliant, you put it in your Top Ten, period.

8. An Inconvenient Truth

Of all the ludicrous things attempted in cinema this year, convincing us that Al Gore is a movie star ranks pretty high on the list. And yet, it’s true. There wasn’t a more engaging onscreen presence all year. You can practically smell the passion for stopping Global Warming, coming through the screen. I sat down hoping to just stay awake, but ten minutes in I was enthralled. I never felt like I was being taught a lesson, never felt like I was back in school (which is why I didn’t fall asleep), and most of all, never felt like I was being emotionally manipulated (ahem, Michael Moore). Gore merely put the facts on the table and lets us take what we wanted. I respect that. Consider me pumped for the inevitable sequel, An Inconvenient Truth 2: Inconvenienced With A Vengeance.

7. Akeelah and the Bee

I’m a sucker for movies where Laurence Fishburne teaches child prodigies. A spiritual sister to Searching For Bobby Fischer (probably my all-time favorite movie), this Starbucks-produced tale of an underprivileged African-American girl trying to win the National Spelling Bee captivated me in all the ways I enjoy being captivated. A smart, natural performance by the film’s newcomer/soon-to-be star, Keke Palmer. A confident and commanding performance by Angela Bassett, who reminded me why she’s one of the best (though most under-utilized) actors in the business. And Mr. Fisburne, pulling his old Bobby Fischer performance out of the closet and shaking the dust off, playing a tough-but-fair teacher like no one else can. He’s so good in this type of role that I could watch him teach calculus to a whiny British kid and still be entertained.

6. Casino Royale

Everything that is good about action movies is on display here. Guns, explosions, chases, hot girls, sweet cars, a great villain, a debonair hero, more hot chicks and great locations. I was skeptical at first, as I’m a fan of Pierce Brosnan, but Daniel Craig pulled it off. I deemed myself a Daniel Craig fan for life the moment he took his first whip shot to the junk in the now infamous naked chair torture, and didn’t even flinch. I don’t know how they’re going to top that, but I’ll be first in line to see them try.

5. The Departed

Jack being Jack, Damon being awesomely squirrelly, Leo rocking the crazed “guy at the end of his rope” thing he does so well, Mark Wahlberg spitting some mad Boston game, and Alec Baldwin kicking ass harder than anyone else since his own turn in Glengarry Glen Ross; I loved this movie. Perfectly paced and plotted, superbly cast, acted, shot and edited. The only misstep of the entire picture is the final shot, which I felt was just a bit too on the nose. But that is forgiven, as the flick is so supremely watchable. And it may be the most quotable movie of the year. Anything that came out of Wahlberg or Baldwin’s mouth was pure gold. Here are my two favorite pieces of dialogue from the film:

Dignan (Wahlberg): “Who am I? I’m the guy that does his fuckin’ job! You must be the other guy!”

Ellerby (Baldwin): “I’m gonna go have a smoke right now. You want a smoke? You don’t smoke, do ya, right? What are ya, one of those fitness freaks, huh? Go fuck yourself.”

4. Brick

The most stylish film of the year, with dialogue so good I want to eat it off of a plate, and a performance by Joseph Gordon-Levitt that puts Hollywood on notice. He’s the goods, and so is this movie. Whenever someone says that movies today are shit, I whip out my DVD of Brick and crack him across the jaw with it. Rian Johnson is now my favorite upcoming director. Seriously, you need to see this movie.

3. Children of Men

Gritty, demanding, propulsive and powerful, this Alfonso Cuaron-directed film is the best sci-fi flick of 2006. I was impressed with how confident the film was about the world it created. Set in a dystopian, infertile 2027, the world looks quite like it does today, only with minor futuristic flourishes (which is how it should be. I hate when futuristic movies have us so technologically advanced that the world is unrecognizable. It would take 80 years and many trillions of dollars to erase the poverty line and tech up the lower class, so filmmakers, let’s get off the grift). The forward momentum of the movie is exhilarating. You just can’t look back, the film won’t let you. It has a mission and you are either on board or you’re not. Clive Owen and Julianne Moore are their usual perfection and Michael Caine gives a wonderful performance as a pothead, ex-political cartoonist. I liked other films more than Children of Men this year, but I can’t deny this film’s raw power. Most of all, the film has arguably the most emotional scene in any film all year. When Owen is bringing the baby down the hospital stairs, well let’s just say it got a little dusty in the theater.

2. Clerks II

This franchise means so much to me. This filmmaker means so much to me. And the film itself touched me deeper than any other this year. I can relate to guys in their early years trying to figure out what to do with their lives. Stuck in that limbo of still wanting to be irresponsible, yet accepting that you now have certain responsibilities you can’t turn away from. I see the fear in the eyes of Dante and Randall that their lives are slipping away, and I don’t want that to be me. For a driven guy like me, Clerks II was a perfect motivational tool. And it doesn’t hurt that Rosario Dawson is crazy-hot. Or that I finally got to see a Donkey Show (sort of). The movie is flat-out funny, has a heart like a lion, and is as personally affecting a film to me and mine than I can remember in some time. Watching Clerks as a teenager made me want to be a writer. Watching Clerks II makes me realize I made the right choice.

1. The Queen

I generally loathe all things British. Can’t stand British comedy (especially Monty Python), never got into Guy Ritchie, I want to sock James Blunt in the larynx, and I’d choose Rachel McAdams over Rachel Weisz any day of the week and twice on Sundays. All that is too say my chances of liking a film about the British Royal Family were remote to say the least. And yet, ten minutes into the masterful “The Queen” I turned to my theater companion and said “this is fantastic”. Helen Mirren gives hands-down the best performance of the year. She is pitch-perfect and heartbreaking as Queen Elizabeth II. The journey her character takes to try and understand the changing emotions of her people is as emotional and rewarding a narrative arc as I saw all year.

I was particularly impressed with the scene on the river, where Mirren watches a beautiful deer approach, admires its beauty, finally comes to realize how profound a woman Princess Diana really was, shucks aside her previous feelings about the deceased people’s princess, and desperately tries to save the deer from approaching hunters. Heart wrenching stuff, that. This is, without a doubt, the best movie of the year.

Honorable Mention: Thank You For Smoking, The Devil Wears Prada, A Scanner Darkly, The Illusionist, Stranger Than Fiction

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THINGS TO LISTEN TO

- If you thought Harrison Ford’s acting abilities were faltering before, this will do nothing to change your mind. (Harrison Ford Finger Point Gallery)

- Ever wondered what The Simpsons would look like if they were a Manga cartoon? Me neither, but this artist did, and he came up with something pretty cool as a result. (Simpsons as Manga Characters)

- This is the funniest TV show mash up since The OC sent Summer’s Dad to work at Seattle Grace. (Lost House 24)

- Check out what posters are nominated in The Internet Movie Poster Awards. My money’s on Hard Candy for Best Poster of the Year. (2006 IMP Awards)

- Are hetero-life mates Lloyd Dobler and Ari Gold on the outs? Sounds like a certain former 80’s teen heartthrob needs to show up at the Piv’s crib with a boombox over his head (playing the theme song to Entourage, of course). (Cusack and The Piven are DUNZO!)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THINGS I WANT

I want the new Apple iPhone so, so much. Why must Apple taunt me with such a perfect technological creation, only to give the deal to Cingular, easily the worst cell phone company on the market? Can The Jay get a little T-Mobile love?

To read more about the most awesomely tuttle phone in human history, CLICK HERE.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THINGS TO GRADE

A few quick grades for some doomed mid-season replacements.

The Knights of Prosperity – Broadly executed, stereotypically cast, boringly shot and most importantly, only mildly funny (Mick Jagger should never be able to out-joke Donal Logue. That’s like Macy Gray out-hotting Beyonce.) I’m gonna give it a second look because I dig Donal Logue and because I loved the show’s former title, Let’s Rob Mick Jagger. But they better bring the funny, and quick.

Grade: C+

Dirt – I can understand Courtney Cox not wanting to ever do another “nice girl” part in her career. If I had to smile in every scene for 237 episodes of Friends, I’d want to play a raving bitch, too. What I can’t understand is basing your new show around a schizophrenic paparazzi with no range beyond “twitchy”. Don’t be fooled by the promos, Dirt is not about Monica Gellar gone bad. It’s about a crazy, unattractive, drugged-out photographer and his inability to cope with his beloved cat’s death. I wish I were kidding. The rest of the show is a send-up of the cutthroat Hollywood rat race that Entourage does better, graphic cable TV sex that Nip / Tuck makes hotter, and racy language I’d rather see coming out of Vic Mackey on The Shield. Killing Shannyn Sossamon in the pilot was a stroke of brilliance, but having nothing else to offer is a mark of supreme short-sightedness. Dirt may have something else up its sleeve, but I’m not interested in waiting around for the big reveal.

Grade: C-

In Case Of Emergency – A cavalcade of washed up, shrugworthy white actors, in situations far too predictable to be appreciated. The next Arrested Development, this is not. I haven’t liked Greg Germann since season two of Ally McBeal, David Arquette hasn’t done anything note-worthy in his entire career besides trying to eat Luke Perry in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Jonathan Silverman is the epitome of bland. He rivals Orlando Bloom in his blandosity. Basically, he sucks. But I will give the show a chance for two reasons: Kelly Hu and Lori Loughlin. You want my attention for your new crappy TV show? Cast Lady Deathstrike as an Asian Massage Girl and Uncle Jesse’s slamming TGIF-fiancée as a hot lady doctor. Consider yourself TiVo’d, In Case Of Emergency!

Grade: D+

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

THINGS THAT ARE CRAZY

I’m talking La Lohan on my radio show tonight; more specifically how she was able to go partying less than 36 hours after she supposedly had her appendix taken out. I broke my ankle and had to lay down for a week, so how did this girl have invasive surgery and immediately go back to partying a day and a half later? Me thinks the appendicitis might be a lie. However, if it’s not, and she’s really that self-destructive, than I’m forced to at least consider her as the new Most Crazy Person In Hollywood.

To that end, I’ve decided to start tracking the celebrity craziness. Once a month I’ll rank the top Hollywood nut jobs, and at the end of the year I’ll crown a 2007 Crazebrity Champion*. Here’s the first power poll.

January 2007 Crazebrity Power Rankings*

1. Anna Nicole Smith – Until someone can top giving birth, losing their firstborn child, marrying their lawyer, getting evicted from a guest house and finally deported from a country all the in span of one month, the ex-PMOY keeps her crown.

2. Lindsay Lohan – I promise you this: if this girl survives the year without going through kidney failure, a nostrilotomy or a severe car crash, God must like Mean Girls more than I thought.

3. Britney Spears – She needs an intervention like the Raiders need a starting QB; as in, badly.

4. Tom Cruise – Would be lower on the list if he would come out and deny he’s producing a movie called The Thetan, starring Victoria Beckham. No part of that idea is rational.

5. Michael Jackson – Can’t ever be counted out. He’s like the Yankees of crazy celebrities.

6. Donald Trump – Isn’t going after Rosie O’Donnell kind of like saying “Hitler was a douchebag”? Like, we get it Donald, move on.

7. Michael Richards – No real repentance yet for his ill-fated stand up routine.

8. Rosie O’Donnell – See Trump, Donald.

9. M. Night Shyamalan – Going up against James Cameron is about as stupid a decision one can make. You don’t screw with Mr. Titanic, especially when your last two movies sucked harder than Paris Hilton on a grainy digital camera.

10. Mel Gibson – Sugartits never say die!

Bangarang!

* “Crazebrity” is trademarked by TheJay and by TheJay.com Create-A-Word Enterprises. All Rights Reserved.