The hope is that reading this list will help you to learn more about Jason Matthews (aka “The Jay’). It shouldn’t be an exercise in bashing my taste. Cause we all like some really bad pop culture (hey Keanu!), and no one should be judged by their guilty pleasures. The idea is not for me to tell you what to like or what you should think. I’m not making a case that my list is any better or valid than any of the other indulgent Best Of The Decade lists (which all suck) that are overloading the Internet right now. I didn’t pick these movies to make you think I’m some cool, with it know-it-all. Frankly, all that doesn’t matter to me.

I’m simply saying, for me, these were the ones that mattered. For whatever it’s worth.

40 – Mean Girls

Was the catalyst for the rise (and fall) of Lindsey Lohan: failed actress, successful tabloid whore, ginger person; introduced the world to Rachel McAdams; tried to make “fetch” happen. This movie had a lot going on.

39 – Collateral

Tom Cruise is more fun to watch as a villain. Consider: Magnolia, Interview with a Vampire, Tropic Thunder, Vanilla Sky. Wait, he wasn’t the villain in Vanilla Sky? But then why was he trying to eat my soul with his mis-aligned upper teeth, serial killer mask and frightening intensity?

38 – High Fidelity

Lloyd Dobler grew up, got way into music and became a manic-depressive. A happy ending? Not quite. But it did result in a smart, hyper-literal movie with Tim Robbins getting a long-deserved beat down, totes supes CZJ side boob, Lisa Bonet singfucking us some Peter Frampton, Jack Black being actually funny instead of the not funny he’s become, the obliges John Cusack standing forlornly in the rain shot and maybe the hottest sex scene of the 2000’s (starring, shocker, Tim Robbins).

37 – Juno

Is it obnoxious writing? Yes. (I considered writing ‘honest to blog there, but didn’t really want to throw up on my keyboard, so you know.) Is Ellen Page too precocious by half? Correct. Is what the movie has to say kinda offensive? Pretty much. But I can’t take away the amazing work done by Jason Bateman, Jen Garner (her scene in the mall is a killer) and Allison Janney. And any movie that makes its male lead a Cross Country and Track star is all right by me.

36 – Old School

“He’s gonna do one!” Nuff said.

35 – Unbreakable

The best comic book origin movie that you didn’t realize was actually a comic book origin movie ever. I miss M. Night’s fastball.

34 – Atonement

If only for the score, the library sex scene and BRIIIIOOOOONNNNYYY! Also? Everything else about this movie.

33 – Moulin Rouge!

I can sing both parts of Elephant Love Medley by heart, nine years later. That has to count for something.

32 – Sideways

I hated this movie for a long, long time. And I can’t forgive the movie for causing a fungal rash of sad bastard men movies to be made (mostly all starring Paul Giamatti or PSH, obvs). But the movie got people into wine, my favorite hobby, and shined a light on Santa Barbara Wine Country, my favorite place in the world. And despite my issues with the story, THIS is amazing writing:

“I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your ’61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline. …And it tastes so fucking good.”

31 – The Queen

A stunning picture, credits to credits. Gets extra credit for making me want to do to horrifyingly sexual things to a septuagenarian. (What? Helen Mirren is HOT. #fact)

30 – The Bourne Ultimatum

For the Waterloo Station sequence alone.

29 – Mission Impossible 3

Secretly the best action movie of the decade. And easily one of the best action movie teasers of all-time.

28 – Pride and Prejudice

The film that made me turn the corner on Keira Knightley. It’s a beautiful adaptation, has the most sweeping camera work, and the ensemble brings it with powerful yet subtle acting. Loved this movie.

27 – The Perfect Score

A perfect 80’s teen movie, twenty years too late.

26 – The Blind Side

The best movie of 2009. And it’s not even close. Saw it in theaters twice, cried both times. The best work Sandy has ever done, and she’s done a lot of great work. Hollywood doesn’t make movies like this anymore, but they should.

25 – Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Shane Black at his sardonic, quippy, violent action best, RoDoJu bringing the funny, Val tapping into his Real Genius performance, AND Michelle Monaghan topless? How was this movie not a GIANT success?

24 – Zoolander

The movie I have quoted the most this decade. It isn’t a particularly good movie, but there’s not a person I know who doesn’t, every so often, cough lightly in public and say “I have the black lung, pop”.

23 – Taken

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”*

*Gets extra credit for being the only time I went to the Bridge Cinema and didn’t have the worst movie-going experience in my life. What is WRONG with those people? Take your idiot conversations, text messaging and general hooliganery OUT of the theater. There are people trying to watch Liam Neeson kill foreigners here!

22 – The Core

Quite possibly the dumbest disaster movie Hollywood has ever put out, and that includes the one where Dennis Quaid runs away from weather, but I can’t help but love something that knows how stupid it actually is. And I can’t help but be charmed by a movie that has its hero pitch a full-on temper tantrum AT his love interest. That takes balls.

21 – Iron Man

The most fun of any blockbuster in the last ten years. Gets props for casting RoDoJu right off of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, when no one thought he had a Franchise in him. Made Gwyneth Paltrow fun again (no easy feat). And the scene of Stark testing out the flying mechanism in his workshop is an underrated special effects stunner.

20 – Minority Report

If for this scene alone:

You may weep now.

19 – The Aviator

As someone who has fought (and occasionally won) the battle of obsessive-compulsive disorder, I can relate to this film on a molecular level. And I could watch Leonardo dress down Cate Blanchett every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

“Don’t you ever talk talk down to me! You’re a movie star, nothing more!”

18 – No Country For Old Men

Was the Best Picture in the best year for Best Pictures of the decade. And putting this here means I get to link to my Javier Bardem Oscar post, one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. Done!

17 – Ocean’s Eleven

A compulsively watchable flick, the best star cast of the decade, an instant TNT New Classic and just plain, good old-fashioned fun. Brad Pitt eating in every scene, the wink wink lame ‘happily ever after’ kiss at the end, Julia emailing in her performance, “Whisky and a whisky”, the all of the everything that is Topher Grace and Matt Damon FINALLY making me like him (if not so much his pig nose).

16 – Catch Me If You Can

Some of the best work Spielberg has done in two decades, and it all feels tossed off, making me love it all the more. Haunting, genuine work by Christopher Walken (not easy at this point, if you think about it), the best knock knock joke ever, a game Tom Hanks, my favorite opening credits of the decade and Leo being Leo. There’s something about D-Cap’s work in the 2000’s that hit me hard. He played guys missing answers and trying desperately to find them, which I heart. You’ll notice that starts to be a recurring theme from here on out.

15 – Punch Drunk Love

A mesmerizing movie, if only for the pillow talk.

14 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

The schadenfreude alone qualifies the movie for Best Ever status. Smith has no business being good, considering its troubled production, and the fact that the movie could have just put a close up on Brangelina’s faces for two hours and called it a day and we would have ate it up, and yet it is. Very good, in fact. The Brad on Angelina fight was fantastic, the freeway gunfight with Truths Revealed sequence was electrifying (“Art?” “History! It’s reputable.”), Vince Vaughn was stellar, Adam Brody got beat up (counts for a LOT), and I can’t get enough of Brad telling Angelina she “looked like Christmas morning”. I’m on Team Aniston, for the real, but this movie almost makes up for her trauma.

13 – Bring It On

The Citizen Kane of cheerleader movies. Also, the only movie Kirsten Dunst has EVER been likable in. And, um, hello, Eliza Dushku in a bikini, washing cars. My work here is done.

12 – Kill Bill ½

Part 1 is ultra-badass, Part 2 is exhilarating filmmaking. Would rank higher if QT had taken out the anime sequence (not interested, thanks), reduced the time Uma was trapped in a coffin (my greatest fear), and eased back on the foot fetish. We get it, Uma has great toes! Can we get back to the swords and exploitation now?

11 – The Notebook

I get that I’m a guy and therefore shouldn’t have this on my list. But you can’t tell me this wasn’t a seminal movie of the decade. That it didn’t change things. You can’t. Gosling and McAdams were the most watchable lovers in any movie of the last ten years. Period. I loved this movie the first time I saw it, and when I rewatched it again for this list, you know what I found out about my love for it? It wasn’t over. It’s still not over!

/makes out with this movie in the rain

10 – X-Men

I saw this movie in theaters five times, maybe the most I have ever seen any movie in the theaters. The movie is not without issues: the ending is small, Halle Berry is atrocious, Anna Paquin makes me Ralph and the pace is like an injured turtle. But man alive, Hugh Jackman’s arms. Hugh freaking Jackman’s. Arms.

Please excuse me while I go do 150 push-ups.

9 – Garden State

I make no apologies for this movie. It’s trendy to bash Garden State because of the weak, cliché writing, but you know what all you people? Go fuck yourself. This movie is GREAT. The Coldplay, the slow motion zooms, the WIDE establishing shots, the Natalie Portman, what’s not to like? Guys ding this movie unfairly because they are jealous Zach Braff got to make out with Natalie Portman in the rain, which is (not so) secretly our greatest wish in life. But we need to get over ourselves. And wannabe filmmakers hate this movie because they believe they could do it better. But if they could, they would, and they haven’t. Braff may be a King Douche, but he gets credit for doing it. And the doing is the whole point.

8 – The Royal Tenenbaums

Wes Anderson, irritating storytelling warts and all, is a singular voice in American filmmaking. This is his best work, and it’s not even close.

“The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. “Vámonos, amigos,” he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.”

7 – Wedding Crashers

Any film that opens with a ten minute montage of partying, bare boobs, cake and great dialogue, and then gives us Walken being an oddball, McAdams being luminous, Jane Seymour MILF-ing it up, Bradley Cooper playing a character named Sack Lodge, and the everything of the all that is the stage-5 clinger Isla Fisher, with a truly hilarious Will Ferrell cameo to boot, automatically makes me Top Movies of the Decade list. Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just obey them. So no excuses, play like a champion.

6 – Anchorman

I submit to you the following:

Any questions?

5. Brick

It could be the dialogue. It could be the style. It could be the camera work. It could be the score. But really, it’s about the journey. Of a guy looking for answers. A guy who refuses to just leave it be. A guy who needs to know. And who pays the price for that information.

4 – Harry Potter 3 and 5

Parts one and two are kids movies. Four is easy to digest mainstream snore. Six is too insular for its own good. But 3 and 5, Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix? They’re about something. They have something to say. They are filmmaking of the highest order. Two harsh, magnificent, brutal chapters in the life of a tragic boy, who wants nothing more than to be normal, happy and loved, and continues to suffer for wanting those things and having the gall to ask for them.

It’s easy to write this franchise off because of its popularity, but never forget that this is a story of a boy whose parents were murdered, a boy being hunted down every moment of his life, a boy with the literal world on his shoulders, a boy who can relate to no one, but who never backs down for a fight and will stop at nothing to protect those he cares about, even if it means dying. Let’s see Team Bella do that.

3 – Spartan

I’m a doer. I see a job that needs to get done, I do it. No complaints, no questions. I will go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen. Spartan is a movie made for people like me. Gripping, intense, honorable and the best Mamet dialogue an aspiring playwright could ask for.

And if you ever wanted to pull life advice from a movie, this is the movie to do it.

“You had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren’t you ready?”

“The hardest thing, y’know what it is? It isn’t going in the door, it’s coming out.”

“Why would I want to know? I ain’t a planner, I ain’t a thinker. I never wanted to be. You got to set your motherfucker to receive. Listen to me. They don’t go through the door, we don’t ask why. That’s not a cost, it’s benefit. Because we get to travel light. They tell me where to go. Tell me what to do when I get there.”

2 – The 25th Hour

I tend to respond the most to movies about conflicted characters reflecting on their past, trying to figure out where things went wrong, and considering how to fix it going forward. This is the finest version of that story.

I dream of writing something as beautiful as the last ten minutes:

1 – Before Sunset

I look at my Top Ten and I see a pattern. And the pattern is me. We love movies for all sorts of reasons, but the ones that matter to us, tend to matter for one specific reason. Their story, in a fashion, is our story.

I started this decade as a freshman in College. All optimism, energy and naïveté. I was a hopeless romantic, with not an ounce of practicality. I had done nothing, but believed I felt everything. I end this decade a professional. I am hardened, realistic, unlike that 18 year-old boy in every way. I spent ten years searching for answers. Trying to discover the right path to happiness. And I haven’t found it yet. But I can look back, see the course of my life and understand how things fit. Why they went the way they did. Why I am here, in this place, in this moment, today. Which is good.

But that doesn’t mean I like it. And it doesn’t mean I accept it.

Before Sunset is that story. Tracking your life across a long span, deciphering the choices made, from love to career to everything else. Seeing so clearly how it all went down, but being powerless to alter things for the better. And then, in the most perfect cinematic way, two people are given a second chance. They are given an opportunity to get it right, this time, knowing now what they wish they knew then. And it’s on them to make it happen.

Before Sunset is an escape in the best way possible. It’s fun imagining I’m Neo or Riggs or John McClane or the guys from Wedding Crashers, shooting guns, being a hero, getting laid, etc. But it’s better, and more fulfilling, to imagine getting that second chance. To imagine saying all the right things in all the right ways to the right person. And hearing them say all the right things back to you.

It’s a movie about hope, the one thing I take with me the most into the new decade. The hope that I will figure it out. The hope that I won’t need that second chance, because when it counts, I will get it right the first time.

Movies are and always have been my education. I learn who I am from what I watch. These 40 movies, more than any others, taught me the most about myself this decade. And I will take the knowledge I have gained into the next decade and try to better myself, little by little, every day.

I am smarter, stronger, kinder, and more able to survive and thrive. What’s the job? Find me. I’ve had my whole life to prepare for this moment.

I am ready.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

I’m rip roaring and raring to go on ’0JAY8 like La Lohan on an extended weekend in Capri, so before a Celebritard does something so dissgrossting that I have to break my Lost Girls ban and dip into my bag of fake whore words to describe their actions (“whoreititude” being my current favs), let’s start launching some award bombs (be forwarned, this post is HUGE).

And away we go (Read the 2005 and 2006 YIF Awards post as a refresher to their awesomeness):

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Knocked Up – Universally loved by both sides of the Relationship Wars, personally loathed by this guy. As funny as it is to see Seth Rogen giggle like an idiot, smoke pot and heffalump all over that girl who used to be hot when she was on Roswell but now is a shrill harpy who’s about to banshee scream the awesome out of James Marsden in that exorable 27 Dresses abomination, I’d rather just watch the much better SSDD Judd Apatow manchild movie, The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Also, I liked it better when it was called Nine Months and it starred a far more charming bumbling idiot and a much better actress who was also slumming it in a lame romcom but still managed to show a modicum of gratitude for hit studio movie that launched her career, unlike some other wretched blonde yenta currently turning Grey’s Anatomy into a double-bloop fest. Yikes, this movie gives me the hatebumps. Apatow should have considered going to the Screenplay Smashmortion clinic and smashmortioning this twenty-minute too long unfunny fest like yesterday’s Spears bastard.

MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – Despite making nearly a gajillion dollars at the box office, I got the sense that most people considered this episode a toss-off. A hurdle they have to jump to get to the infinitely more awesome Half-Blood Prince and the revelatory Deathly Hallows. But let me learn you all an education, this may prove to be the most intelligent, well put-together flick of the bunch. Book Five was nearly unreadable. Two hundred pages too long, full of lame, angsty teen balderdash and an anti-climactic finale that didn’t advance the story enough to warrant the preceding 700 pages (we all knew Harry wasn’t gonna get to keep Sirius, the whole point of the series is that he stands alone). Too my surprise, I found the movie adaptation positively mesmerizing. From the totes sweet over the shoulder shaky dolly when Harry and Dudley are running from the storm, to the dark tunnel Dementor fight where Harry wielded his Patronus like some mighty Jedi. From the crazy evil child torture scenes to the ku-reep-E Brooks Brothers-clad Voldemort on the train platform fever dream. And that’s before I get to the wrenching “LOOK AT ME!” scene. This film was playing to win the game. They didn’t think it was a damn exhibition. I must not tell lies dear readers, The Order of the Phoenix pwned hard.

Hairspray – I genuinely don’t care about musicals and I’m even more indifferent to John Waters, so imagine my surprise when I popped in the DVD and found myself bopping my head like I was the Kattan Roxbury jagoff for two straight hours (him? you? me? me? no? heh?). Full of infectious energy and crazy slick choreography, I had a blast with this movie. I dug Travolta so much I even forgave him for Wild Hogs. But it was a tough decision. I mean he does wear a bandana through that pile of shite. A bandana. Seriously. On his head. For two hours. And it was intentional.

WORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Kirsten Dunst, Spider-Man 3 – Tobey Maguire dyed his hair black, grew knock-off Petrelli-bangs and emo-Manero’d down the street in the most regoddamndiculously stupid sequence in blockbuster movie history and it was STILL not the worst musical number in the flick. That goes to Kristen Vampire Teeth McFlatboobs Dunst, who whilst singing in a play where she was the lead managed to sound like monkey shite even though she wasn’t actually doing the singing. Her performance was so terrible that the audience I saw the movie with actually applauded when Tobey decked her in that SECOND so so bad Dunst musical number. It was the one time in the movie where everyone got what they wanted: a scene where Tobey wasn’t weeping like a wee little girl and five fingers saying SLAP to the former Rancho Carne Cheer Captain who would NOT stop singing in the action-packed Comic Book movie.

WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man 3 - Did I mention he cries through most of the movie and gay dances like Travolta in Staying Alive for the rest of it? Also, that he sucks? Oh I did? Good. I didn’t want to forget mentioning that he sucks.

WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End - Not because of the actual movie, which was slightly better than Dead Man’s Chest, owing mainly to the Godzilla on Tokyo levels of kick ass rampage that is Chow Yun Fat, Keira Knightley in Asian Pirate fetish wear and Orlando Bloom getting dead, but because of how unbelievably long the movie was in relation to how much I had to pee. I was in the center row center seat of a sold out 400 seat theater and had to go pretty hard starting in minute 17. It was not pleasant. Here was a brief summary of events.

17:00 – Damn, gotta yazzer. I think can hold it, it doesn’t seem too bad.

24:00 – Maybe loosen the belt loop up one.

32:00 – Might be wrong about this. . .

46:00 – Shifty.

58:00 – Crap all, there’s ninety more minutes left!! How much more “Yargh-ing” can they do?

1:05:00 – Yayayayayayayayayay.

1:17:00 – If I hold my junk any more people are gonna think I’m actually enjoying the movie. Must be strong.

1:29:00 – And there goes the belt and top button.

1:46:00 – Starting to get numb.

1:53:00 – Slouchy slouchy, calm the belly.

2:06:00 – JUST FUCKING END ALREADY!!!!! Awesome effects and all, but can we just kill the Bloom already so I can save my kidneys?

2:15:00 – And my pants are officially off.

2:36:00 – Thank Jeebus it’s over. I survived. Eye of the Tiger saved me again!

2:45:00 – I will RAIN FIRE on you Valley bitches if you don’t leave the theater FUCKING FASTER!

2:49:00 – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2:53:00 – Wait. Waitwait. Ye… wha… more… AHHHHHHH!

2:56:00 – Jimmy Dugan ain’t got nuthin on me!

THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR

Live Free or Die Hard - Psych! Trick award, fools. This movie ruled! I was skeptical. I thought it would be a whole bunch of man ass. But it turned out to be a whole bunch of man awesome (yeah, that just happened). I was cool with bald McClane. I was cool with him Supermannig the fighter jet. I was cool with villainous plot. I was SuperCool with Mary Elizabeth Winstead. And I was Super-Sized cool with Maggie Q. Hell, I was even straight with Mac Guy Sidekick (which bodes well for Villa De La Beouf in Indy 4). I missed a Hans-level bad guy and I hated John not dropping F-bombs everywhere, but kids, it could have been A LOT worse.

MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR

I Am Legend - So how come the Fresh Prince left his interesting character study to walk onto the set of a bad Sci-Fi network zombie flick? Did the producers refuse to let him drop a “Ah, hell no!”? Were they blocking him from getting jiggy with it? These are things we need to know!

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

TMNT – Sarah Michelle Gellar should never be prominently involved with ANYTHING from my childhood ever again. I swear to Xenu I will burn my Buffy box set if she even blinks in the direction of Cheetarah and the Thundercats. Dude, I miss Ninja Rap. (Go ninja! Go ninja! Go!)

EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Ben Affleck, Director, Gone Baby Gone - A subtle, powerful, beautifully photographed debut from the man who was the bomb in Phantoms, yo! I never had my doubts that he’d be a good movie director, but I never imagined he’d be that good. Wisely letting Ed Harris chew the scenery like they were yesterday’s egg bagels. Shooting close-ups all over the preternaturally pretty Michelle Monaghan. The brilliant credits sequence that established the reality of the Boston streets better than Mystic River could even dream of. Not to mention pulling an Oscar-worthy performance out of Amy Ryan. And that’s before talking about Morgan Freeman’s nuanced work and Casey Affleck’s surprise work as a commanding leading man. I’d love to have The Fleck in front of camera again, but I just may want him to stay behind it, more.

WEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War - There’s just something inherently creepy watching the Pretty Woman grab Forrest Gump’s ass. And something totally gross seeing Erin Brockovich and the voice of Woody, post-coital. I usually love seeing mega-stars onscreen together. But in this case I just wanted it to go away so I could see Phillip Seymour Hoffman cuss some more.

THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!

Anthony Hopkins - He’s now repeating himself worse than Tommy Lee Jones, and I’m pretty sure Tommy Lee Jones was actually credited as playing “Tommy Lee Jones” in that last Paul Haggis travesty. Ryan Gosling blew him off the screen in Fracture. It wasn’t even close. The Washington Generals put up more of a fight than Hopkins did. And with Anton Chigurh taking Hannibal’s mantle of most awesome screen villain we secretly love, what does Hopkins have to play for? Time to pack it in and start considering begging Aaron Sorkin to do a Welsh version of The West Wing.

THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD

Tie – Jessica Alba and Scarlet Johansson - I was thinking about this the other day while I was checking Alba off the list of girls I am attracted to (The Jay does not date girls with baggage. And by “baggage” I mean “intentional career-boosting celeb babies fathered by doofy civilians”), when was the last time either girl gave pop culture anything worthwhile beyond an occasional sex-A magazine photo spread? Match Point belonged to Woody Allen. And The Prestige was about Bale and Jackman. Lost in Translation was nearly five years ago. As for Alba, she was the worst thing about a bad FF sequel. She did a Dane Cook movie this year. Which, hello, pretty much forces me to stricken from the record her bra and panties work in Idle Hands. And she refused to go topless playing a stripper in a graphic novel adaptation. In my boy mind, they are both dead to me until one of them drops an intentional nipple in an indie flick or I get more from them than lame-ass Paul Walker action flicks and sub par Woody Allen movies.

THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE

Rush Hour 3 - Did anyone in the world need more of this nonsense? Did anyone in the world even notice than Chris Tucker dropped off the face of the Earth? Does anyone in the world really care about the words coming out of their mouths?

THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD

Nicolas Cage - I’ve already written at length about the CageMatch this year, so I’ll keep this brief. Nic should only make really absurd indie movies and National Treasure sequels. Any time someone asks him to play anyone with long hair, superpowers, a dysfunctional family not played for laughs, or a guy that has to say the words “Why’d it get burned?”, he should run the other way. Fast. Fast enough to rip his toupee off.

THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT

The Heartbreak Kid - Yes yes, we get it Ben Stiller, you are neurotic and awkward with insanely hot, out of your league girls. Stop complaining about having to bang a batshit crazy Malin Akerman before you turn into the Simian-looking older man version of Zach Braff. And as for the Farrelly Brothers, unless Matt Damon has a mortgage payment and agrees to a Stuck On You sequel, ya’ll can STFU and put down the movie camera. Gross out comedies haven’t been popular since Jason Biggs. And Jason Biggs was never popular.

BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE

Phillip Seymour Hoffman doggstyling Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead - More on this in a moment…

BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS

Tie – Keri Russell in Waitress and Megan Fox in Transformers - My number one celebrity crush (despite having a half civilian half celebrity baby… a celivibaby?), was beyond reason fantastic playing a small town pie maker. I could watch her whisk chocolate for eight life times. And I could listen to her banter with Nathan Fillion in that wonderfully lyrical cadence until I ruined the spindles on my ears like a ten year old VHS player.

And as for Megan Fox, um, well, look at her:

BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED

Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead - She was always a hottie, but never in that “I MUST see her nipples immediately” kind of way. She was more sultry sexy. Jersey sexy. The kind of sexy where we dug seeing her in purple lycra showing how her biological clock is “ticking like this” or sweetly falling for Christian Slater and his untamed pig heart, but never where we would drive twenty miles out of our way on the rumor that she went topless in a Gothic Southern flick directed by Sam Raimi. So how were we to know how utterly delicious she looked without her clothes on? And after all these years, even! Her body was so smokin hot its mere presence negated the retina-searing image PSH throw his freckled ass all over the medium shot. Hell, it might be the only acceptable reason to ever see PSH’s ass. Lemme put it this way… Marissa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead was eight Megan Fox’s hotter than Diane Lane in Unfaithful. True Story.

BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF

Getting to drop the post title “Alvin and the Shitmunks” and make my mom laugh at it.

THE 2007 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.

P.S. I Love You - Which I believe I’ve already covered.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF THE YEAR

THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2007

Let’s drop some math to explain these:

1. Shooter - Marky Mark + Smart Action x Kate Mara in a see-thru shirt = The Very Definition of Awesome Sunday Afternoon TNT New Classic.

2. Superbad - “Fellashe” + The Jay = Overused movie quote of the year.

3. Ocean’s Thirteen - George Clooney’s Stache / No Julia Roberts x Matt Damon’s Nose – Don Cheadle in an Evel Knievel costume = Crap in a can, that threequel rocked!

4. Balls of Fury - Maggie Q in booty shorts + Christopher Walken imitating Christopher Walken = A missed opportunity for greatness, but thanks all the same for giving Jason Scott Lee some work.

5. Shoot Em Up - Clive Owen with guns + Monica Bellucci with tits + Paul Giamatti with villainy = Geek Splooge.

THE FIVE WORST PIECES OF CRAP I SAW IN 2007

1. Spider-Man 3.
2. Vacancy
3. The Reaping
4. Ghost Rider
5. License To Wed

And finally…

THE JAY’S TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2007

1. Atonement
2. No Country For Old Men
3. The Bourne Ultimatum
4. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
5. Waitress
6. Juno
7. The Darjeeling Limited
8. Gone Baby Gone
9. Hairspray
10. There Will Be Blood

Bangarang!

We’ve been in a O’ Brother Where Art Thou-style pop culture geographical oddity as of late, two weeks from everywhere. The last best movies of the summer just came out (Superbad, Bourne Ultimatum). Men across the nation are still hitting refresh on ESPN.com every few minutes, desperate to make sure none of their prospective Fantasy players goes down in a Preseason two-a-day (and Week 1, though now less than two weeks away, feels like for fucking ever). Harry Potter fever has boiled over. High School Musical 2 came and went with me still not knowing the the eff tween actor Zac Efron is and why he is rubbing his nipples on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine (P.S. Way to be punk rock, RS!). And the Fall TV Season doesn’t get going until mid-September.

As Al Pacino in Heat once said, what do we got? WHAT DO WE GOT?

So I was pondering the bleak, barren landscape of non-awesomeness that lay before us, and silently meditating on the misery we are facing, until I opened up the Internets and was given the best news I’ve heard in the longest. Variety reports that Kristen Bell as signed on for a multi-episode arc on Heroes, starting in early October. This was my restrained reaction to that news: “Hurrrah! YEAAH!!!!1! Wha, shy, he, za, YEQAJKNBFSFUSA$###! Jackpot.” And to think, just last week I was musing on what great projects Kristen would move to after Veronica Mars, and how those projects are the reason I was OK with VM getting canceled. My prognostication is for reals. Believe that!

I now care only about the fall season. I’m gonna consider the next few weeks a complete wash. Hell, I’m gonna consider most anything a wash unless it concerns Veronica Mars sharing screen time with HRG and Peter Petrelli. The levels of casting kickassitude contained in this development rival just about anything short of full cast sequels to A Few Good Men, Airborne, Rad, The Monster Squad and True Romance or that long rumored Arnold, Bruce and Sly action movie. I love me some summer, but g-damn, bring me that fall! This pop culture geek just got himself a new countdown!

But lest you think I think the fall will rock only because we get to seeKristen Bell and Hayden Panetierre look at each other onscreen (and subsequently exploding the crotch-regions of adolescents everywhere), let me put you at ease. The final four months of 2007 are jam-packed with righteous happenings. The following list doesn’t include everything that rules, but is merely the days I’m looking forward to.

TRULY IMPORTANT POP CULTURE DATES OF THE FALL

Sunday, Sept. 9th – Opening Day of the 2007-2008 NFL Season. A day for much rejoicing, beer drinking, Fantasy Football pool killing, debt collecting, buffalo wing consuming, testosterone flaring, wives and girlfriends despairing, Sportscenter watching, YouTube clip embedding, sports blogging, TiVo commercial double-blooping, porn ignoring, fav team cheering, buddy high-fiving and general wonderment. I can’t wait to eat myself retarded while cheering on my Miami Dolphins as they bring the teal all over the Washington Redskins. Ronnie Brown is gonna be a golden god this year. Trust The Jay.

Thursday, Sept. 13th – TheJay.com Turns 2! There will me much more on this in the week leading up to our birthday, including announcements on my T-Shirt Company, some podcast news and the introduction of an important new running column. Stay tuned…

Sunday, Sept. 16th – Ryan Seacrest flat-irons, I mean “hosts”, the 59th Annual Emmy Awards, the first not really important awards show of the fall. I can’t wait to see The Sopranos and Everybody Loves Raymond win again (what, Raymond isn’t on anymore? Whatever, they’ll find a way to give that shit Best Comedy Series, anyway). Wake me when they start giving awards to deserving TV work, like 30 Rock, Damages, BSG, How I Met Your Mother and Weeds.

Tuesday, Sept. 18th – KT Tunstall releases her second studio album “Drastic Fantastic”. She’s my favorite singer in the world right now, rocks live, has kick style, speaks in an adorable accent, has actual real musical talent, is sweetly down-to-earth and she pretty much destroyed any chance of Jewel ever having relevance again. For all those reasons and more, I love this woman. Also, the new single is steak sauce! I push my tread up a full mph every time my Nano rings the “Hold On” number.

Saturday, Sept. 22nd – Yom Kippur. Day of forgiveness, baby, show some respect!

Wednesday, Sept. 26th – The premieres of Bionic Woman and Private Practice; adding two more shows to my most crowded night of TV watching. The TiVmote is gonna have to work overtime blooping through Bionic Woman, Private Practice, Pushing Daises, Kid Nation, Back To You, Life, Gossip Girl, Dirty Sexy Money and come February, Lost.

Tuesday, Oct. 2nd – The Jungle Book, my favorite animated movie of all-time and easily the best Disney movie of all-time comes out on in a scrumtrillescent new 2-disc Platinum Edition DVD. Words cannot describe how uberhellastoked I am to finally own this movie on DVD (in its been on moratorium for the longest). I have so much Jungle Book paraphernalia that I could practically open my own merch store. Look for me at the El Capitan on Sunday, September 9th for the big screen stage show, I’ll be the shameless geek bear hugging the Baloo mascot (pun intended) and singing along off-key to all the words to Bare Necessities. Hey Mowgli, how about you knock that busy little bee-ya off my nose…

Monday, Oct. 8th – The most likely date for the first appearance of Kristen Bell on Heroes.

Tuesday, Oct. 9th – Eleventy Billion NSFW Kristen Bell / Hayden Panetierre fan-fiction stories are released on the net.

Friday, Oct. 19th – Gone Baby Gone, Ben Affleck’s directorial debut, arrives in theaters. My favorite ‘Fleck gets to prove once and for all that he’s a big talent. And I think he’s gonna prove it in spades. His cast is flawless (Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman, hottie Michelle Monaghan, Casey Affleck, Amy Madigan), his source material is first rate (author Dennis Lehane also wrote Mystic River, which gives me the chance to scream out “IS DAT MY DADER IN DERE!” every time someone mentions that fact) and the trailer is cool, confident and stylish. Matt Damon (Matt Damon!) may be the bigger star and the better actor, but I’m still not convinced that when everything is said and done, Ben Affleck won’t have the better career. And if you don’t believe me than be sure to catch my must-read post “Ben Affleck Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”, coming in early October.

Tuesday, Nov. 6th – Quentin Tarantino FINALLY realizes the long awaited Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair, where we get to watch the entire saga cut together as one movie. I got to watch the flicks back-to-back at the Arclight on Volume 2’s opening night in 2005 and it was a very rewarding experience. I bet taking out the intermission and resorting the order of scenes is gonna completely change how we look at the story of The Bride. My guess is that change will be for the better.

Friday, Nov. 9th – By my count, the most interesting movie going weekend of the fall season. Releasing on this date is the Robert Redford directed, Tom Cruise and Meryl Streep starring political thriller Lions For Lambs, where we get to finally see the full extent of the damage The Cruiser has inflicted upon his career (not to mention the fate of the United Artist movie studio hangs in the balance). Also on this date is Fred Claus, the big budget holiday film that will be the marker for whether or not Vince Vaughn can be a charmingly obnoxious asshole for two hours without Owen Wilson or Jennifer Aniston and still be successful (and look at the rest of the cast: Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, Kathy Bates, Miranda Richardson, Rachel Weisz, Elizabeth Banks and Frank Stallone. That’s a lot of talent. Except for the last one). And on the limited release side we have a new Coen Brothers movie and Southland Tales, the extremely long awaited sophomore flick from Richard Kelly, director of Donnie Darko. That film intrigues the hell out of me, not least because it stars Sarah Michelle Gellar as a porn star, The Rock as her love interest, it’s set in the Valley, centers around an apocalypse on the fourth of July, co-stars Mandy Moore, Seann William Scott, Kevin Smith, Janeane Garofalo and Justin Timberlake, was lambasted at Cannes, shelved for a year because no one wanted to distribute it, is reported to be a complete narrative mess, and oh yeah, it’s a musical.

Tuesday, Dec. 25th – Charlie Wilson’s War, my most anticipated film of the fall, is released in theaters. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by Mike Nichols and starring Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and hotties Amy Adams, Emily Blunt and Rachel Nichols. You couldn’t put together a more attractive package to me. If I was told I’d get Herpes if I watched this movie, I’d call my HMO and pre-book some Valtrex. I think this is also Jesus’s birthday or something. That might be good for some cool goings-on, I don’t know. No lines at the bagel shop, maybe? I’ll keep an eye on this day for more cool happenings.

Sunday, Dec. 30th – Lakers vs. Celtics at the Staples Center. I am dying to see the new big three in green take on Kobe and whatever bunch of idiots they picked up off the street to pass the ball to Kobe. Jesus Shuttlesworth, insane-person Kevn Garnett, Monica Seles-wannabe Paul Pierce and old man Reggie Miller duking it out with acquitted Hershey Highway driver and ballhog extraordinaire Kobe Bryant, all while Jack Nicholson looks on form the front row and leers at the Laker Girls? It’s gonna be the biggest LA sports event of the fall, and I’ll be in the cheap seats taking it all in.

What cool pop culture days of the fall are you looking forward to?

Bangarang!

Let’s skip the token intro and go straight into the awards. I’m bored of recapping 2006 already, and Jack Nicholson hasn’t even gotten drunk at the Golden Globes yet. So here we go (if you want to read the 2005 awards post, CLICK HERE:

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Borat – Aside from laughing at the Running of the Jews scene, and thoroughly enjoying the naked man fight for reasons totally heterosexual (sweaty flapping balls are just funny, end of story), I was completely underwhelmed. Maybe it was the SoaP-level hype, or the never-ending and completely repetitive talk show appearances (oh look, Borat’s on SNL, and again on The Daily Show. Wait, why is Borat on Hannity & Colmes? Didn’t I just see him on Regis and Kelly?), but I felt like I had seen all that Borat the movie could offer, way before I put ass to cushion. Sure it’s nice to see Pamela Anderson get stuffed into a burlap sack every now and again, but let’s keep a movie like this on the DL next time so I don’t feel like it has to be Blazing Saddles to warrant it’s rep.

MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE(S) OF THE YEAR

M:I-3 – Sure, The Cruiser is batshit crazy, but if you need someone to scale a building or run really fast through a crowded foreign city or be unintentionally funny in a serious scene, who else would you want on the mark? I like this franchise; I like how each film reinvents itself, I like how each director gets to run his own ship, I like that the hotties are getting better and better (the 1-2 punch of Keri Russell and Michelle Monagahan was geekvana to me; it’s like Tom looked deep into my soul and blessed me with his toothy grin and innate ability to cast girls I have a major thing for). I agree that much of the film was derivative and predictable, but 2006 was way-lite on action films and M:i-3 was the best of the bunch. Here’s hoping The Cruiser finds his way back into the Ethan Hunt saddle sometime soon (and casts current TheJay hottie, Hayden Panettiere)

Accepted – If you like your boob shots gratuitous (and who doesn’t), your comedy scattershot and your filmmaking just this side of shoddy, then Accepted is the movie for you. Panned and ignored unjustifiably upon it’s release in August, I eagerly anticipated the DVD and 2nd geared it to the local ‘buster to snag me a copy. And it was exactly what I expected. Never trying to be something it isn’t, Accepted knows it’s a tiny comedy with a few great laughs, a great concept, a likeable cast and a wonderful 80’s-like feel to it. I may want to punch Justin Long every time I see one of those “I’m a Mac” commercials, but he ruled all here. The next Tom Hanks, question mark?

Curious George – If you are under eight years old this movie is utterly mesmerizing. I love the way the film seems like it was animated with a water-color brush. I am eternally grateful the producers refrained from making George talk. I always enjoy a good Jack Johnson melody (UCSB Film Grad shout-out! Go Gauchos!). And for 85 minutes I was entertained about as well as a 25 year-old can be while watching a movie like this. Of all the animated films released this year, Curious George was my favorite.

WORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Keira Knightley: Pirates 2 – Will somebody please take the lemon out of her mouth? And Keira, I know that Orlando Bloom is bland (trust me), but can’t you just imagine he’s somebody else? That’s what we do when you’re onscreen. I haven’t seen an actor so be wooden or bored onscreen since Arnold started plotting his gubernatorial campaign during the second act of Collateral Damage.

WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Matthew McConaughey: Failure To Launch – Flexing your biceps is not acting. Getting a tan is not acting. Growing ugly facial hair is definitely not acting. And trying to be Wooderson in every goddamn movie is, OH MY GOD, not acting. I know he was acting opposite Sarah Jessica Parker, an actress Matthew Broderick has a hard time getting half-massed over, but that’s no excuse for phoning it in so egregiously. What happened to the guy from A Time To Kill? Or U-571? Or Reign of Fire? Or, jeez, even Two For The Money? When did he start believing the only thing he was good at was wooing shrill blonde women and acting boyish? Somebody needs to slap that boy with a John Sayles DVD.

WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER

The Break-Up – The first film in history to openly campaign for abstinence as a method of protection. I challenge you to find one couple that had sex after seeing this movie? Can’t be done.

THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR

Pick ‘em: Pirates 2, Superman 5, Scary Movie 4, The Santa Clause 3, Big Momma’s House 2, Final Destination 3, The Grudge 2.

And what’s worse, 2007 is the year of the Threequel. I will now watch my copy of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and shake uncontrollably in the fetal position.

MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR

Superman Returns – Superman should never be in a hospital. And he should never be flying into little boys’s rooms in the middle of the night (creepy, that). Somebody please tranq Bryan Singer and tattoo this on his forehead. It will do him a lot of good for the next Supes flick.

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

The Da Vinci Code – The winner by process of elimination. If Borat was the most over-rated and Superman Returns the Most Unfortunate Third Act Flop, than Da Vinci, by default, becomes the most disappointing. I never really liked the book (I prefer the prequel, Angels & Demons) and everyone knows my thoughts on The Hair, but I was genuinely optimistic about the movie. I loved the cast, I liked the concept, Ron Howard narrated Arrested Development… Da Vinci Code had a lot going for it. Too bad it also had a stagnant story, no relatable characters, a weak villain, slow pace, awkward acting, bad action and an a-ton load of pre-release hype it would never live up to, going against it. However, despite all that, if Ron drops Tom and casts Russell Crowe and Kate Beckinsale in Angels & Demons, I will be there on opening day.

EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Ben Affleck: Hollywoodland – What’s next, Eddie Murphy in a rousing turn as a has-been Motown singer? Oh wait…

WEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Jack Black and Kate Winslet – Of all the actors you could think of to woo the beautiful, talented, delightful Brit, would Nacho Libre even fall in the Top 100? 200? Never in eleventy-billion years did I think I’d buy that ship. But lo and behold, it worked. Jables toned down the annoying to School of Rock-like levels, jettisoned his ill-conceived King Kong-style “acting”, gallantly refrained by excessive facial ticks, and actually – GASP – created a character worthy of Kate Winslet. By the end of the movie I was openly rooting for him to make his move. Go Nacho! If only the movie had axed the hair-pullingly awful Diaz-Law hook-up, I might in good conscience be able to recommend it.

THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!

Harrison Ford – I’ve already written about this before, so I won’t belabor the point. I’ll only add this: Harrison may be making sub-par action movies now, and he may only be acting with his index finger, but at least he’s not slumming in crap like Wild Hogs. There’s a reason I named this category for John Travolta. Ford may be over, but he’s drunken star class all the way.

THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD

Miami Vice – No amount of slick suits and perfectly greased Colin Farrell mullet hair can overcome a movie who’s plot prefers slogging in the mud over actual movement. Someone please tell Michael Mann that soft-focus, obtuse editing and vague dialogue do not a good action film make. It may be fun to watch for a bit (or if Tom Cruise is playing a contract killer), but definitely not for three freaking hours!!! And would it have killed Mann to throw in seven or eight more gratuitous boob shots? I don’t ask for much. I sat through Ali three times without once complaining of not seeing Michael Michelle trample her squeaky clean ER image. Throw The Jay a freakin bone! Come on!

THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE

Lady in the Water – Just goes to show you that there’s a fine line between “talented but a little crazy”, and “crazy but a little talented”. Guess which side M. Night Shyamalan falls under?

THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD

Hugh Jackman – An astonishingly Jude Law-ish six major motion pictures in 2006.

When you’re agreeing to play both a dancing penguin and a claymation rat in the same calendar year, me thinks someone is hedging their bets. Didn’t think Brett Ratner could pull X3 off, huh Wolvie? Hugh, my man, you’re always a welcome presence on-screen, but I could have done without you pedophile-ing it up with Scarlet Johansson in Scoop (she’s seventeen years your junior), and then macking down with her again in The Prestige (did I mention she’s 21 and you’re 37?). And stop saying yes to animated movies not made by Pixar. Learn a lesson from fellow aussie Eric Bana (Finding Nemo). And the next time Woody Allen calls, please, for all that is good and pure, let it go to voice mail.

THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT

Eragon – Call me when Dragonheart comes on TNT.

Scary Movie 4 – Call me when Anna Faris decides to get naked in an edgy indie flick for street cred.

Rocky Balboa – Call me if you’re going, because I’ll totally see it again.

BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE

The Donkey Show in Clerks 2. Although the naked fight scene in Borat comes very close.

BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS

Jackass: Number Two – I don’t know what it is about seeing a guy put a fish hook through his cheek and then jump into shark-infested waters that just makes me happy, and frankly, I don’t much care. As long as guys like Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O are willing to do utterly insane things like wrestling an anaconda, getting a beer enema, gluing crabby pubes onto someone’s face, branding Bam’s ass with a penis shape and letting a bull gore their nether regions, I’m a happy camper. And one with a lot of disposable income. Keep ‘em coming boys.

Honorable Mention: Casino Royale – If only Bond Girls were allowed to really show there stuff, this might have leap frogged the Jackass boys. It’s ironic that the film showing guys getting their junk crushed in a funny way beat out the film with a guy getting his junk crushed dramatically. Just goes to show you that a good shot to the nuts is always funny, so long as you’re not strapped naked to a bottomless chair in a dirty seam pipe and getting whipped by a dude named Le Chiffre. Words to live by, that.

BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED

Salma Hayek: Ask the Dust – I can’t believe it took Hollywood this long to get Salma naked. My fellow geeks and I were burning through our slow motion buttons trying to enjoy that split second frame of Salma’s boobnormous Hayek’s in Desperado. This is easily the apex of celebrity nudity in 2006, despite it being in the service of a thunderously crappy movie. Note to the unwatched: Colin Farrell’s dick flops perilously into view several times, nearly destroying any locked-door repeatability of the scene; block it out, focus on Salma’s awesome rocking body, and you and yours will get through this.

Honorary mention: Amy Smart: Crank – A two-time winner in this category, Amy will always have a place in my heart for redeeming the abortion that was Road Trip, for being the only funny thing in Rat Race not named “Seth Green”, for being my favorite of Zach Braff’s never-ending blonde love interests on Scrubs (she was Tasty Coma Wife), and for her apparent willingness to drop a chest bomb on any B-picture that flosses her. Seeing her show up in a movie always puts a hop in my step because there’s a better than average chance she’s doffing her top (and doing it with a smile). Gotta love Amy Smart.

BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF

Just My Luck – I wouldn’t have a job if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so wonderfully self-destructive. Her whore-ositude, rampant coke habit and general willingness to anything for press helped generate the type of quality, from-the-gut snark in me not seen since the days of Josh Hartnett as an above the title star. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

THE 2006 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.

Marie Antoinette - Here’s a partial list of things I hate in movies:

- Kirsten Dunst
- Period pieces
- Useless soundtrack songs
- Willowly, passive characters
- Things that are British
- Cameron Diaz

Unless Kirsten really does get her head chopped off, they all jump into a time machine and travel to 2007, hire John Williams to beat the music coordinator with his conductor stick and turn every character American (or at the very least, Southern), I’m not interested.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF 2006

THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2006

1. Invincible – Mark Wahlberg’s hugemongous mouth + football = good times.

2. Accepted – See Most Underrated Movie(s) of the Year

3. Snakes on a Plane – It’s seems a cliché at this point, but it was snakes on a freaking plane! For what it was it was great. Boobs, chases, swearing, violent reptiles and Samuel L. Jackson. How could this be anything but a rocking B movie?

4. Crank – Jason Statham + guns x Amy Smart’s chest / by cool concept and cooler style = quality times.

5. Stick It – Anything that even remotely resembles Bring It On is always cool with me. However, those aren’t spirit fingers. THESE are spirit fingers. And these… are GOLD.

Bangarang!

Hosted by The Jay: Monday and Wednesdays, 7-8pm PST!

I launched with a completely different attitude, style and direction than I have today. At the time I was hoping to post 4-5 small posts per week, or about one a day. They were going to be more news-based, similar to the 5,000 other gossip sites that cover the latest La Lohan shenanigans (And while we’re on the subject, seriously Lindsay, put some underwear on. There hasn’t been a celebrity whose cootata we wanted to see less at this point.). So I’d cover the happenings of entertainment, but also intersperse non-time sensitive pieces about whatever I was passionate about that day. This all worked well and good for about a month, when I realized I didn’t have the time to write 1,000 words a day on topics that are being covered more thoroughly and with better pictures, elsewhere (egotastic, defamer and the superficial come to mind). So over the course of the next few months I slowly moved the site to being less news-oriented and more feature-based. I liked the topics more, I had more time to devote to the individual pieces, and I felt like the site became more unique.

The problem was that my post count dropped dramatically. I went from writing 11 posts in September to writing just 5 in October and 7 in November. Over the last year I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I will never be as prolific as other bloggers. I have too many other things going on in my life to pump out more than 8 posts a month. On the other hand, those eight posts average 2200 words each, so my content volume is probably the same as your average 25 post per month blog. Also, the topics I cover are fresher, and the pieces themselves are deeper in their examination. Basically, you get more by getting less. Unless this site starts paying for my entire life (which I doubt it ever will), you can expect two posts per week at best.

In January I made what some would consider an ill-fated decision to cover the Oscars for a straight month. Eight posts all devoted to the Academy Awards. I even posted a schedule. Bad idea. My computer crashed, I was in a job search and the last thing I wanted to do was talk more about Reese Witherspoon winning an Oscar (shudder). So lesson learned: I will never again post a post schedule. I may allude to things I’ll be writing about (i.e. everyone in the world knew I’d write a Keanu Reeves piece this summer, and you bet you’ll be getting an Emilio Estevez piece when his movie Bobby comes out), but I will never outright tell you when to expect them. Because I will never come through; I abhor deadlines, and they hate me too.

After the Oscars the site faltered for a while as I tried to figure out my next move. My numbers were slowly increasing (they doubled from March to April), but I couldn’t figure out what you all wanted to read. I was picking up the fact that you preferred celebs over movies and movies over TV, but I couldn’t seem to deduce what it was about my writing about movies and celebs that you liked. I wrote some ill-advised pieces about more time-oriented subjects (shudder, Siberia Season, shudder). And I wrote some funny ones that turned out better then I deserved (Ten Sequels I’d Like To See). But ironically, it was my first celebrity target than helped me to move the site in the right direction.

The third post I ever wrote was called “Kenny Chesney Immune To Bitchface”, where I railed on the “fake” marriage between Chesney and Renee Zellweger. A lot of people got upset at me for calling her names and being so mean and hateful. Those people are obviously wrong. As my boy A-Train likes to say “What’s the internet for, if not to slander people anonymously?” In response to the backlash I wrote a piece called “Renee Zellweger Doesn’t REALLY Have a Bitchface”. And over the first seven months of TheJay.com Renee became my target du jour. I slammed her every chance I got. But then in March my Mom asked me to write her a Mother’s Day piece where I was nice to Renee, and I took the challenge. The piece turned out pretty good (read it HERE), but what was better was the reaction from my readers. My numbers went up after I posted the piece. And from that I learned this: highlight a celebrity and talk about something that makes them unique. And from that point on I tried to focus my posts on someone or something, specific.

That practice culminated in early May when I was on the treadmill and was trying to come up with ideas for what I wanted to say about The Da Vinci Code. I don’t care about religion, I didn’t really like the book, and the controversy had been covered ad nauseam by the mainstream press. What I kept thinking about was Tom Hanks’s Hair, specifically how much it sucked. And it got me to thinking about his hair over the years, and I realized that it has always sucked. And thus “Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair” was born.

Up until that point I hadn’t tried to market or advertise the site. For one reason or another I didn’t think I had written anything worth making a fuss over. But the Tom Hanks piece turned out really good. I happened to chance on the blog site for Vh1’s Best Week Ever and sent the editors a link to my piece. They liked it and suggested I submit it using their “Drop It” feature. A day later Best Week Ever wrote an entry on their main page about my piece and TheJay.com got it’s very first shout out. That was the last time my site was anonymous. Less than a day later the piece has been picked up by more than ten other blogs. A day after that I signed on to my stat program to see that I had jumped more than 18 GB in over a day! And since the most bandwith I had ever done in a single day before that was 200MB, that was a HUGENORMOUS boost in traffic. As it turns out, Ebaum’s World had put my piece as one of their Daily main page links, AND College Humor listed in their Hot Links section. Those two links started a wildfire of hotlinking, and before I knew it I had done 80GB in traffic in just over two weeks, had more than 60,000 new readers, and saw my site get listed on the Alexa Rankings for the first time (at number 1,300,000). I had sites in a dozen foreign languages reprint my post. I had 100 comments before I even knew it (when my previous high had been 9). The traffic request crashed my server; I had to upgrade the size of my hosting plan five times in a week (Big thanks to Greg Swaney at Nexcess.net for his patience, understanding and awesome deal making. To this day, I’m glad to be a Nexcess customer). This post had put my site on the map. What was I going to do for a follow up?

The answer, in short, was Keanu Reeves. I had long since been a fan of The One, and had been defending him to my friends and family for years. After seeing the success of writing about a quirk of a celebrity near the time of the release of their new movie, I knew it was time to write a Keanu piece, in time for his new (quality draining) Sandra Bullock weepfest The Lake House. So on June 6, 2006, late in the evening I posted “Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It”. It was a great piece that highlighted the forty reasons why Keanu was cool, and I was extremely proud of how it came out. I went to bed a happy man, and with a feeling like this post was going to do good things for TheJay.com. Boy, was I right. By the time I checked my stats the next morning, I had already done more than 5GB of traffic (in less than 10 hours). Apparently, an enterprising reader put a link to the post on Reddit, which prompted an outpouring of support for the two time Ted “Theodore” Logan. The piece shot to the top of their most liked chart, landing it on prime real estate for browsers. And just like the Tom Hanks piece before it, the Keanu piece started a wildfire. I got posted on Keanu fan sites, got picked up on Gorilla Mask, on MSNBC.com, on USA Today and Whitney Matheson’s Pop Candy, and on a bevy of smaller personal blogs. Now, I was not only on the map, I was also a destination reading spot.

Over the next two months, this story got repeated multiple times. From “What’s Hiding In Owen Wilson’s Shag” (which was linked on the front page of the IMDB) to “A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts” (which almost got me in trouble from the Associated Press) to “Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?” (which nearly got me crucified by ignorant fangirls), the readers and the links kept coming. Less than four months after the Tom Hanks’s Hair piece, I have welcomed more than 250,000 people to my site, and seen my Alexa ranking soar from 1.3 million to 100,000 (I’m now rolling with the big boys of the Top 100k). Last September I had less than 500 unique visitors in the entire month. This year I expect to receive more than 50,000. And I hope to make at least a third of them laugh just once.

I want to thank everyone that has been such a great help to me over the last year: A-Train, The Lady, Tim, the family (but especially my Mom for giving me several much needed guilt trips about not posting enough), Greg Swaney, Attu, Spencer Sloan, John Walkenbach, the guys at Best Week Ever, College Humor and Gorilla Mask, and most of all myself, for being such a witty, witty bitch. I have a lot of great new stuff coming over the next year, including:

1. A redesign (Pimp the new in-development logo up at the top of the post. Let me know what you think in the comments section.)
2. Merchandise (t-shirts, hoodies and underoos coming soon…)
3. An official MySpace page, where you can be my friend (tempting, I know).
4. Podcasts (TheJay, coming soon in Stereo!)
5. Much, much more (I don’t really have a fifth thing planned, I’m just anal about having a nice round number.)

So stick around and enjoy the sarcasm and Reese Witherspoon insults. You won’t be disappointed. For your reading pleasure I’ve provided a breakdown of the site below. It’s everything you eve wanted to know (or probably didn’t care) about TheJay.com. Enjoy!

TheJay.com: A Stat Breakdown

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Total # of Visits: More than 375,000

Total # of Unique Visitors: More than 265,000

Total Bandwidth: More than 300GB

Average # of Readers Per Month: More than 22,000

Average # of Readers Since May: More than 52,000

Biggest Month: July 2006 – 75,000 Unique Visitors, 1,430,000 Hits, 60GB

Biggest Day: August 24, 2006 – 17,000 Unique Visitors, 310,000 Hits, 18GB

Alexa Ranking on May 1, 2006: 1,300,000

Alexa Ranking on September 13, 2006: 100,856 (A 1,300% jump in just four months)

Total Number of Posts: 77 (An average of 6 posts per month. Who says I’m not prolific?)

Total Number of Words Written: More than 160,000 (Good lord, I could have written a book in 160,000 words. And you know what the title would have been? “Tonight at The Jay: Everyone Gets Laid”. It’s tasteless, disgusting, offensive, and the best PCU quote.)

Total Number of Comments: 840

Total Number of Links: 373 links (and counting) from 166 blogs

Best / Coolest Links: IMDB, EW, Pop Candy, Ebaum’s World, College Humor, Gorilla Mask

Most Popular Post: Grading the Career of Tom Hanks’s Hair

Most Controversial Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It

Most Overlooked Post: Tie:

- Ten Sequels I Would Love To See
- Recasting a Classic: Princess Bride

Worst Post: Tie:

- Siberia Season
- Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

My Favorite Post: Tie:

- Rachel McAdams Is The Next
- 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers
- Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
- A Press Release From Anne Hathaway’s Breasts

My Least Favorite Post: Crash?????????????????!!!?????!?!?!?!???????????!!!?!??!?!?

Funniest Post (per capita): Tie:

- Tearful Celebrity Apologies
- Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

Longest Post: The Jay’s 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!!!

My Favorite Posted Picture: The Jake Gyllenhaal Salute

Most Commented On Post: Keanu Reeves Does NOT Suck, And I Can Prove It
– 291 Comments (and counting)

Biggest “The Jay Is An Idiot (more than normal)” Post: The Case For: Brokeback Mountain, Best Picture Oscar Winner

Biggest “The Jay Is So Smart He Might Actually Be A Prescient Being” (aka The “In Your Face, I Was So Right!” Award) Post: The time I told everyone I knew that King Kong would disappoint at the box office (but neglected to write it down as proof of my awesome forecasting powers).

Number of Swipes at Reese Witherspoon: More than 12 (don’t worry, I’ll get this higher next year)

Biggest “Friend of TheJay.com”: Robot Hand Is The Future, who has taken to linking every post I do, despite it’s quality. Thanks man!

Worst “Friend of TheJay.com”: Defamer – Would it kill you to link to me just once? Selfish, link-hoarding bastards (said completely out of love)!

Number of Unwarranted Cracks at Innocent Celebrities: Trick question, nothing I say about celebs is unwarranted. I’m harsh, but I’m right.

“Smartest” Post: Tie

- Breaking the Release Bubble Of Hollywood
- Royal Rumble: Movies vs. Marketing

Meanest Post: Just How Bland Is Orlando Bloom, Really?

Most Kiss Assy Post: I Saw Fiona Apple At The Wiltern And You Didn’t (I had to acid burn my nose just to get the smell of freaky musician ass of my nose.) (P.S. Your welcome for that visual.) (P.P.S.S. Fiona, your awesome; you too KT Tunstall, while we’re at it!)

Most Annoying Reader (s): The ten people or so who keep stealing my columns and reprinting them in their MySpace blogs without my permission. Screw you, thieving jackasses. Respect the Creative Commons liscense, bitches!

Most Awesome Hate Comments:

1. From the Tom Hanks Piece: rougy: Are you serious? Are you for real? Are you that petty and superficial? Here’s my grade for snarky diva websites who blow the miniscule out of proportion: F–

2. From the Tom Hanks Piece: The Dominator: Suck my dick this is horrible the guy is a complete shmuck fuck u and tom hanks get a life douche bag.

3. From the Tom Hanks Piece: Amy: You’re a moron. Plain and simple.

4. From the Owen Wilson Piece: shaia: ok, first off, this is the lamest thing i have ever read….Are people really that jealous of a star? do you NOT have anything better to do?? Did you truly get paid to write this? it is a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of probably someone brilliant talent of working for a newspaper (The Jay’s note: My readers are so eloquent. And have the best grammar.)

5. From the Orlando Bloom Piece: Victoria: Ok, I am an Orlando Bloom fan & I thought what you said was very rude, mean & Arrogant. If you don’t like his movies then don’t watch them or are you too stupid to do that because from your article it kind of sounds like your (sic) a complete moron anyway. You’re free to express your opinion but doesn’t make it right now does it. I so happend (sic) to like Pirates of the Caribiean (sic) Dead man’s chest, I didn’t like it, in fact I LOVED IT. You should quit your day job because you don’t know what you’re talking about by the way Troy too was a good movie, I liked it so much I bought the DVD. I think he is a a very talented actor. so all I have to say is nobody likes Jerks, it’s not a good trait. You’re just a jealous hater who has nothing better to do then to put down someone that’s doing better then you. Have a Great day! (The Jay’s Note: Again, let me call out how intelligent and well-written my readers are.)

Most Awesome Fan Mail Comment:

From Tearful Celebrity Apologies: Tony: Hey dude, dis is sum funny shit.

(Ed note: This is all I hope to hear from my readers. I’ve had more effusive fan mail, but this one sums it up best. Keep it coming, Tony. If you keep reading my funny shit, I’ll keep writing it.)

Thank you everybody, for reading and supporting this tiny, sarcastic, uber-witty, ultra-insightful, totally relevant, exceedingly important, humble website. It is much appreciated.

Bangarang!

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!

What was that… thing on Tom’s head? That couldn’t be his hair, right? He wouldn’t voluntarily make himself look so ratty and greasy. I don’t believe he’d have such a catastrophic lapse in judgment. But I was wrong. We all were. He was going to play Robert Langdon with the long, ugly, unruly hair, and we would all just have to accept it (but also make fun of it). The internet was abuzz with Tom Hanks Hair jokes. It’s gotten so bad that Tom has spent most of the press junket for the film defending his hair choice instead of talking about the religious implications of the novel or the plagiarism case. Tom claimed that he hired a hairdresser who tells “stories” with hair. Ok Tom, but that doesn’t explain why you have oily doll hair that makes you look like the old guy still trying to pick up freshman at a Frat party. The fact is, the hair is bad, I know it, Tom knows it, we all know it. Excuses are great and all, but in the end, the hair is just bad looking. It’s Snakes on a Plane-goofy.

How could this have happened? How could Tom have stepped so wrong?

I went back and examined his look over the years and stumbled across a weird phenomenon. Tom Hanks has bad hair. Go back and look at his early career and you’ll see he has some of the worst chops this side of evil lesbian Rosie O’Donnell. But then, as if by magic, the hair got better when he started winning Oscars. And then it got wild again after he had got carte blanche as an actor. He’s had a tremendously up and down hair career. It’s as if sometimes his hair is in control of his career and sometimes not. Tom Hanks’s Hair (To which will now be referred to as “THH”.) is its own being, working independent of Tom Hanks the actor, to carve out a place in history for itself. A place where white guy afros are considered high couture, and poofy bangs are beloved.

If you look at just the career of Tom Hanks’s Hair (THH), it’s possible to find an answer for how in God’s name Tom ended up looking so bad in The Da Vinci Code. And I’ve decided to do just that. I present: The Career Report Card of THH.

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Splash

This is the rookie hair; amateur hair. Maybe THH had taken a few classes, learned itself some Meisner, but it was no pro. It’s too puffy, too young, too 80’s. Sure, it makes Tom look like the perfect “schmoopy guy who falls in love with a mermaid played by Elle Driver”, but it’s not the manliest of cuts. But THH was smart, and learned from this misstep. As it is with acting, you learn as you go along and you take what you need from each project. Clearly what THH learned from Splash is that in cheesy studio comedies, the poofy and pompier the better. In any event, it’s a solid hair debut for a rising star actor. Probably up there in the rankings with Tom Cruise’s sort-of mullet debut in Risky Business and Leonardo Di Caprio’s middle part straggly hair-look on Growing Pains.

THH Grade: B

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Man With One Red Shoe

Clearly, THH learned from its debut and utilized its newfound skill, because this movie welcomed the birth of what I like to call “The Hanks Fro”. An off-shoot of the Jew-fro (because Hanks isn’t Jewish), THH launched a full blown assault on the abilities of the widescreen lens. It probably took a 1:85:1 aspect ratio just to fit the whole thing in frame. I like that Tom seems unafraid that the sheer volume of his hair would cripple even the firmest of cowboy hats. And his bravery must be noted, too, as one light drizzle would send The Hanks Fro into a frizz disaster the likes have which have not been seen since the heyday of Adrian Zmed.

Tom used this look for a string of 80’s rise-to-stardom roles, only trimming the glorious mane when he had to play a cop (Dragnet) or when he had to limit the grabbing options of leachy Cheers-escapee Shelley Long (The Money Pit). The Hanks Fro was an interesting career move for THH, but not ultimately a wise one. The film tanked at the box office, though to be fair, not necessarily as a result of The Hanks Fro. But let’s face it, the look’s not doing anybody favors. The lesson here: You can go bigger, but not wider.

THH Grade: C-

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Big

Here’s where THH began to develop a bit of a Diva attitude. The Hanks Fro is gone, but in its place is a pseudo-Flock of Seagulls, kinda wannabe preppy look that is just awful. It may have worked to showcase Tom’s confusion in being a boy in a man’s body, but it did nothing to show off the talents of THH. He comes off looking like a nerd whose trying to be a politician, yet desperately hoping appears hip. It’s not working, and it’s a testament to THH’s belief that stardom was just around the corner. This was hair saying “Hey, look who I’m attached to. We’re going places. So I’m gonna rock the front bang curls, and not only can you do nothing about it. You’re gonna like it.”

Tom may have rode Big into box office success and the acting stratosphere, but THH gets bad reviews and maybe a Razzie award (merely as an ego check).

THH Grade: D

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Joe Versus the Volcano

Now here’s when Tom Hanks took control of THH. He realized that going long was never going to give him the career boost he needed. After all, at the time, Mel Gibson was rocking the long hair, Kurt Russell had the market cornered on action hero mullets, and the yuppies were starting to go shorter. There’s a scene in the movie where Tom goes from depressive-mullet Joe, to happy-short and trim Joe. Cutting his hair on film served two purposes, 1. It was a formal introduction to the new, preppier Tom Hanks, and 2. It was a sign that Tom was in control of his career, not THH. This film was the coming out party for what I like to call “The Signature Tom Hanks Look”. Short on the sides, slightly white guy afro-y on top and a bit of a bang curl effect. He would sport the Signature look throughout the 90’s, coincidentally the same time that he became the biggest star in the world (not to mention a two-time Academy Award winner). The Joe Mullet, the Hanks Fro and the Big Curl were all destroyed the day Joe Versus the Volcano was released. This was the dawn of a new era for THH, one that was presided over by Tom himself. One that would see THH going shorter and shorter until the Castaway rebellion of 2000.

THH Grade For the First Half Mullet: F

THH Grade For the Second Half Signature Tom Hanks Look: A

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Philadelphia

Not surprisingly, the first real case of The Signature Tom Hank Look dominating the screen and it wins Tom Hanks an Academy Award. I think the win was truly a sign that THH is stupid, and had no idea what it was doing in the late 80’s. Bad THH career decisions may have set Tom back a good three years. Who knows what type of business The Burbs and Turner & Hooch would have done had they not been saddled with The Hanks Fro. Tom pulls off the preppy lawyer look here with great aplomb, and then in a stunning follicle twist, goes completely bald and sports some edgy stubble. It’s a great transformation made exceptionally believable due to it being the first time anyone has seen Tom Hanks with his hair so short. It’s always a watershed moment in any actor’s career when we get to see their skull for the first time. Luckily for Tom, just like his on-screen persona, he apparently has the nicest skull in Hollywood. Tom’s skull is so nice it donates money to charities. It’s so nice it feeds the homeless on Thanksgiving. Basically, every part of Tom Hanks is nice (natch).

THH Grade: A

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Forrest Gump

Gun to my head, this is my favorite look for THH. The shaved sides and close cropped army-issue flat top completely alter Tom’s look and physicality. I saw Tom do Forrest on Inside the Actor’s Studio, but it wasn’t believable because he didn’t have the Forrest hair. That’s how good the look is; when the hair is indispensable to the character (much like Julia’s red curly hair in Pretty Woman or Ethan Hawke’s greasy Reality Bites goatee), you’ve got a classic hair character.

This seemed to be a turning point for THH in that it began to work with Tom, and not against him. The success of Philadelphia showed that shorter was better and in Forrest Gump, THH embraced the short. No longer did it resent Tom for the public shearing in Joe Vs. The Volcano; they were now one complete symbiotic persona, working together under a common goal: world box office domination.

THH Grade: A+

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Apollo 13

The Apollo 13 haircut is notable for finally finding a way to straighten Tom’s naturally curly hair. He’s again sporting a government-cut, but unlike in Forrest Gump, he has a lot more hair on top. No believable astronaut would have The Hanks Fro, as it may prove to be a liability in space. Zero-gravity does no favors for The Hanks Fro. So THH found a way to be high on top, but to go straight up, not all over puffy. It would appear that Apollo 13 was the culmination of all that THH had learned. The hair was shorter, satisfying the new Tom Hanks, yet it had the necessary personality that THH used to push so hard for in the 80’s. The film was a tremendous success and Tom again was nominated for an Academy Award. If there was a most improved hair award, in 1995 THH would have been a shoe-in.

THH Grade: B+

Tom and THH would continue to work well together for the next five years, again going military in Saving Private Ryan, going Philadelphia-style in That Thing You Do, and finally coming full circle with the original Signature Tom Hanks Look in You’ve Got Mail. It’s the happiest working period of Tom and THH’s career, book ended nicely by romcom’s with a pre-fish lipped Meg Ryan. Finally getting over their differences, the team set out and attained every goal on their list. Fame, money, acclaim and no frizz hair spray, all through the power of a good actor/hair relationship.

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The Green Mile

This is hair gone stale; gone soft. A toned-down Signature Tom Hanks look, one that would begin to define late-90’s Tom Hanks. We get the return of The Hanks Fro, but this time it’s maintained and horse-collared. It’s a diplomatic fro. While I like the throwback, and am glad to see Tom get out of army haircuts, I still think it’s way too boring. Is it possible that THH mailed this one in? It is possible, because everyone in this movie mailed it in. Wasn’t it supposed to be the quintessential drama of the decade? The biggest star in the world, directed by the man who made Shawshank Redemption, working with a script by the most popular writer in the world (Stephen King), adapted from a book series lauded by critics everywhere. The Green Mile should have been a shoe-in for Best Picture. But everything is curiously muted. All the right notes are hit, all the right emotions are met, but in the end, this is a film no one cares about and no one really remembers. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the first time in a decade that THH fails to bring its “A” game, the film falls to pieces. It just reinforces my theory that the key to the success of Tom Hanks is a harmonious relationship with his hair.

THH Grade: C-

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Castaway

Now this is more like it. Determined to reclaim its thrown as the biggest star hair in Hollywood, THH took control and delivered the best performance of its career. Castaway was THH’s Everest, and THH planted its flag right on top. From the awesome overgrown beard to the curly long hair (!), replete with sun damage and color problems, the whole look is exciting, sexy, dangerous and brilliant. And what a narrative arc for the hair! Starting out with the muted-Signature Look that Tom sported so poorly in The Green Mile, we all thought Castaway would be just another mailed in hair performance. But then the island sequence came, and knocked the hell out of that notion. That was Brando hair, Pacino hair, Liz Taylor Hair; it was hair performing on the top of its game. And then, in one final twist; Tom gets off the island and reverts back to The True Signature Tom Hanks look, cementing this film as having the greatest performance by an actor’s hair in motion picture history (succeeding the long standing champion of Carrie Fisher’s cinnamon buns in Star Wars). On sheer cinematic importance alone, Tom should have donated his beard to the Smithsonian.

Castaway was just what THH needed to revitalize its career and get its fans talking again. And the critics loved it. Tom was almost unrecognizable, and many would agree that because of his all-consuming look, that he did the best work of his career. In fact, so much attention was paid to Tom’s look that one could argue the global box office success of the film was mostly due to his radical hair and bushy beard. Tom’s subtle, powerful acting was a new high for the star, but critics and fans could not get past the hair. It was as if all of Tom’s work was ignored just because he stopped shaving for a couple months.

And like that, the war between actor and hair was reborn.

THH Grade: A+

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Road to Perdition

Another great Tom Hanks performance, another spiteful, arrogant THH performance. Just like in Big, THH thought he was better than Tom. Choosing to go with the high top Hanks Fro and an unfortunate upper lip only mustache (Who does THH think it is, Tom Selleck?), Tom’s Road To Perdition look was ugly American hair, too caught up in its own narcissism to realize how foolish it looks.

And you could see the tension in the film. Tom plays the whole thing dour and awkward; like he’s not sure he doesn’t look completely stupid. I’m not surprised that he was ignored come awards season; his wasn’t even the best mustache of the year (Daniel Day-Lewis owned that one with his mammothly cool ‘stache in Gangs of New York.). It’s entirely evident to anyone that pays attention that whenever Tom and THH are not on the same page, things go wrong. They get it right and its Castaway, they get it wrong and it’s Man With One Red Shoe all over again. Tom can never let his

No, it was time to put an end to THH, and Tom knew just what to do.

THH Grade: C

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Catch Me If You Can

How do you shut up the egotistical rantings of hair on an ego trip? You stick it under a hat and shave your face until the skin goes raw. Tom bottled up THH in this flick and was smart to do so. Finally comfortable again in his own skin, you can see the joy in Tom’s performance from the first frame. Like a shaggy dog that finally got his bangs clipped, Tom ran around in this movie independent of THH, and was back in fine form. This was my favorite Hanks performance of the last decade, partly due to a lack of distraction from THH. The real success in Tom’s career is when he plays a part where his hair has no bearing on the role. Whenever hair becomes an issue, THH manages to screw it up. In Catch Me If You Can there was no screw up. Looking resplendent in his black-brimmed FBI hat, Hanks gave a truly outstanding performance, filled with the type of humor, sensitivity and compassion that made Tom Hanks one of the most beloved actors on the planet. And thankfully, the hair had nothing to do with it.

THH Grade: B+

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The Ladykillers

You know what this is? This is “I’m Keith Hernandez” hair. Remember that Seinfeld episode where Keith Hernandez asks out Elaine and is so brazen about it because, hey, he’s Keith Hernandez? That’s what this hair reminds me of. Tom can grow the mutton chops, goofy beard and Col. Sanders hair because, hey, he’s Tom Hanks. Who’s gonna stop him? Who’s gonna tell him “no”?

And you know, I don’t think Tom foolishly let THH make the call on this one. I think Tom made the choice, which is why it failed so spectacularly. When THH chooses a look and fails, he only screws up Tom’s hair. When Tom chooses a look and fails, he screws up the entire movie. You can’t base a performance around a haircut; it takes the audience out of the story. And combine that with the weird accent and cadence, and Tom was itching for a failure. But he didn’t care. Because he’s Tom Hanks. Recognize!

THH Grade: C+ (for the effort)

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The Da Vinci Code

If you look back at all the major successes of Tom Hanks’s film career, you’ll see a common pattern: a unique haircut. Whether it was the Flock of Seagulls cut in Big, or the Preppy Signature in Philadelphia, the army cut in Forrest Gump or the Caveman in Castaway, the best Tom Hanks movies all have a follicle adventure to them. So why should The Da Vinci Code be any different? Sure, he looks like he’s wearing a wet rat. Sure, he looks like an aging hippy that smoked too much pot and doesn’t realize how out of date he looks. And sure, maybe he should just pull a Bruce Willis and accept the fact that he’s losing his hair. But who are we to say the cut is a bad idea? THH has made some bad decisions, but it rarely fails spectacularly. Maybe THH knows something that we don’t. I never really bought Tom as an action hero or matinee idol, but maybe the long hair is the right touch to make him seem more Indiana Jones and less Guy From Sleepless in Seattle. Tom is a great actor, maybe one of the best we have. In the end, underneath THH, it’s still a fantastic actor in a (supposedly) great movie. If we can buy twenty years of Sean Connery toupees, why can’t we buy Tom’s doll hair? I say give Tom and THH a chance. It may just be the last hurrah of an amazingly successful partnership. One final performance before THH is chopped up and never to be seen from again; the end of a great career servicing the talents (and the head) of Tom Hanks.

THH Grade: C

Bangarang!