TomKat

Celebrity Tax Deductions

Apr 17th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
9 comments

Paris HiltonIn honor of the most hectic day of the year for crazy, on-the-VT-edge postal workers (too soon?), I dug through the garbage bins of the Beverly Hills branch of H & R Block and found a slew of Celebrity Tax Forms. I’m ommitted a lot of the information (such as Paris Hilton listing her occupation as “princess”), but I will reveal some of the more, shall we say, ludicrous things that celebrities try to deduct on their taxes. You’d think for the all the money they make and free schwag they’re given that they wouldn’t need to even itemize their deductions, but apparently stars are just as stingy as us plebes.

Enjoy the list, and make sure to get that envelope post-dated. You do not want to end up sharing a cell with Joe Francis (I hear he cries himself to sleep, but that’s what happens when you have an extremely painful level 10 strain of genital herpes and no soul).

2006 Celebrity Tax Deductions:

Lindsay Lohan: $14,000 for crotch extinguishers

Helen Hunt: $9,000 for forehead wax (and it’s put to good use)

Simon Cowell: $3000 for super-tight, v-necked black t-shirts, and $5500 for being forced to fill out such a goddawful form (he wrote in the margin “What? Is? This? This form is cabaret. It’s the worst form I have ever filled out. Other door.”)

Matthew McConaughey: $62,420 for acting-enhancing supplements (note: this is code for “weed”)

Shia LaBeouf: $100,000 in unmarked, small denomination bills, used as bribery money to the head of DreamWorks Pictures.

Mel Gibson: $50,000 charitable donation to the Museum of Tolerance (I call shenanigans on this one. Attention IRS, this is tax fraud.)

Renee Zellweger: $5,000 for face scrunch upkeep (a job-related write-off)

Nicole Ritchie eating a hot dogNicole Richie: $7.50 for food-related costs (she went to In-N-Out one time in June last year)

Katie Holmes: No deductions, but did attach a Scientology Center-emblazoned post-it note that read “I’ll give you anything you want, just come save me. Please…”

James Caviziel: TOTAL WRITE-OFF (after all, he is the Jesus!)

Britney Spears: Audited for deducting $50,000 for “bikini waxes”. The IRS eventually dropped the audit, sent her $50 bucks, and told her to buy some underwear and never bother them again.

Jon Mayer: $1 Million US government-sanctioned payout for keeping Jessica Simpson out of the limelight (this is worth its weight in whiny white boy angst music gold)

Scarlet Johansson: $4,000,000 deduction for the time spent doing sexy photo shoots that resulted in 13 million “first sexual experiences” by our nation’s male children.

Morgan Freeman: $11,000 for narration-related expenses.

Keifer Sutherland: Deep into a drunken rage (otherwise known as Tuesday), Kiefer went straight down to the Federal office, shot 17 IRS agents, defused 6 nuclear weapons, and demanded a $1,000,000 tax refund. The IRS gave him $2,000,000 and backed away very slowly.

Barry Bonds: Attempted to deduct $700,000 in miscellaneous job related deductions. The IRS told him to go fuck himself and to “buy some bigger hats, roid head” (the IRS are Dodgers fans, as they should be).

Owen Wilson: $17050.22 for blonde shag upkeep, $26,540 for collected Butterscotch Stallion costs (mostly just more butterscotch)

Keanu ReevesEd Norton: $800 billion deduction for illegal, untested steroids to get into proper shape to play the Incredible Hulk. Apparently, as smart as he is, he didn’t realize the Hulk would be in CGI. Norton just assumed Eric Bana was that ripped (This isn’t so hard to believe).

Keanu Reeves: Deducted Eleventy Billion Dollars for entertainment services rendered.

Bangarang!

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Anne Heche Still As Sane As Ever!

Jan 26th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
14 comments

According to media reports, famed question mark-sexual / crazy person / sometime actress, Anne Heche, has left Coley Lafoon, her husband of five years, and begun shacking up with her Men in Trees co-star James Tupper. Notice something: there’s a lot going on in that sentence.

anne heche call me crazy

1. Anne Heche, in her non-infinite non-wisdom broke up her family to bone a fourth billed TV star, adding another to an already long list of reasons her child will need extensive psychotherapy.

2. She continues her crazy streak by leaving her baby daddy to hook up with a co-star who will inevitably drop her on her nutball head the moment ABC gets bored of their show and the cast moves on to other projects.

3. The non-brilliant co-star, James Tupper, knowing all that he must about his new paramour, agreed to this decision. She must be crazy good in bed (pun totally intended), or he’s hoping for some lesbian relapse threesome action for him to feel confident in breaking up a family, even one as potentially nuts as the Heche-Lafoon home.

4. The producers of Men in Trees are doing nothing to stop this eight-car pile up. They have a confirmed crazy person as their star and they’re letting her fuck up her personal life to bone her professional life co-star. Man alive, they need some producing lessons. You don’t let alcoholics go to a bar. You don’t let diabetics go to the jelly bean factory. And you don’t let Anne Heche near the crazy pills.

Am I surprised by any of this? Absolutely not. It’s Anne Heche, after all; she of the sudden lesbianism, and more-sudden heterosexuality sequel. She of the alter ego “Celestia”, the autobiography “Call Me Crazy” (hello!), and the claims of being descended from extraterrestrials. Also, she was in that shitty Harrison Ford island movie.

anne heche and coley lafoonWhen you’re dealing with Anne Heche you know what you’re gonna get, and in some respects, that’s kinda nice. You know you’re getting a very pretty, (in a slightly mousy way) above-average actress who at any time may decide to go walking in the desert for a week, speak all of her dialogue in a space language, or bang the script girl or best boy depending on what she had for lunch that day. Basically, you wager all of her talent against the risk of the crazy. A lot of people take that bet and do well. I thought she was great in Wag the Dog, Birth, Donnie Brasco, Volcano, Return to Paradise and Volcano (suck it, Dante’s Peak). But whomever puts their chips down on the Heche line has got to keep in mind what they may potentially lose, should they win (This contradiction is much like the Rosie Perez theory of winning and losing from White Men Can’t Jump, except Anne is infinitely less annoying.).

And this why I have no sympathy for Coley Lafoon.

I mean he married her; it’s like he was asking for it! He married her less than a year after she stopped rug-munching America’s favorite gay day time talk show hostess. He married her after watching her be interviewed by Barbara Walters, where it came out that she had been mentally ill for the first 31 years of her life. He married her after he had met Celestia. With all that knowledge in his head, you have to assume (or hope) that he figured something bad might happen down the road.

This story is just a microcosm for the way we must all treat famous/crazy people. You take all the knowledge gained from seeing their work, their social life and their behavior in the media and you make the conscious decision to accept their bullshit and allow them into your life, or you tell them to sell their crazy someplace else. Coley Lafoon had to expect that Anne Heche would screw him over somehow, at some point. He just had to. I remind you, this was not a stable person. Not even by Robert Downey Jr. standards.

anne heche and james tupperThat got me thinking about other people who have no right to complain about their problems. For example, does Jennifer Aniston really have a reason to complain about her marriage falling apart? She married the sexiest man alive and then let him make a movie with the hottest creature on earth. What did she expect was gonna happen? That their respective hotnesses would be repelled like the plus sides of two magnets? She brought this on her self the moment she became Brad Pitt’s lady.

While Anne Heche continues to entertain us with her total psycho-crazery (and not entertain us with her wannabe Northern Exposure dramedy), let’s take a look at some other people with no right to complain (after the jump).

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The 2006 TheJay.com Year In Film Awards

Jan 8th, 2007
by Jason Matthews.
9 comments

Let’s skip the token intro and go straight into the awards. I’m bored of recapping 2006 already, and Jack Nicholson hasn’t even gotten drunk at the Golden Globes yet. So here we go (if you want to read the 2005 awards post, CLICK HERE:

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Borat – Aside from laughing at the Running of the Jews scene, and thoroughly enjoying the naked man fight for reasons totally heterosexual (sweaty flapping balls are just funny, end of story), I was completely underwhelmed. Maybe it was the SoaP-level hype, or the never-ending and completely repetitive talk show appearances (oh look, Borat’s on SNL, and again on The Daily Show. Wait, why is Borat on Hannity & Colmes? Didn’t I just see him on Regis and Kelly?), but I felt like I had seen all that Borat the movie could offer, way before I put ass to cushion. Sure it’s nice to see Pamela Anderson get stuffed into a burlap sack every now and again, but let’s keep a movie like this on the DL next time so I don’t feel like it has to be Blazing Saddles to warrant it’s rep.

MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE(S) OF THE YEAR

M:I-3 – Sure, The Cruiser is batshit crazy, but if you need someone to scale a building or run really fast through a crowded foreign city or be unintentionally funny in a serious scene, who else would you want on the mark? I like this franchise; I like how each film reinvents itself, I like how each director gets to run his own ship, I like that the hotties are getting better and better (the 1-2 punch of Keri Russell and Michelle Monagahan was geekvana to me; it’s like Tom looked deep into my soul and blessed me with his toothy grin and innate ability to cast girls I have a major thing for). I agree that much of the film was derivative and predictable, but 2006 was way-lite on action films and M:i-3 was the best of the bunch. Here’s hoping The Cruiser finds his way back into the Ethan Hunt saddle sometime soon (and casts current TheJay hottie, Hayden Panettiere)

Accepted – If you like your boob shots gratuitous (and who doesn’t), your comedy scattershot and your filmmaking just this side of shoddy, then Accepted is the movie for you. Panned and ignored unjustifiably upon it’s release in August, I eagerly anticipated the DVD and 2nd geared it to the local ‘buster to snag me a copy. And it was exactly what I expected. Never trying to be something it isn’t, Accepted knows it’s a tiny comedy with a few great laughs, a great concept, a likeable cast and a wonderful 80’s-like feel to it. I may want to punch Justin Long every time I see one of those “I’m a Mac” commercials, but he ruled all here. The next Tom Hanks, question mark?

Curious George – If you are under eight years old this movie is utterly mesmerizing. I love the way the film seems like it was animated with a water-color brush. I am eternally grateful the producers refrained from making George talk. I always enjoy a good Jack Johnson melody (UCSB Film Grad shout-out! Go Gauchos!). And for 85 minutes I was entertained about as well as a 25 year-old can be while watching a movie like this. Of all the animated films released this year, Curious George was my favorite.

keira knightley pirates 2 picWORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Keira Knightley: Pirates 2 – Will somebody please take the lemon out of her mouth? And Keira, I know that Orlando Bloom is bland (trust me), but can’t you just imagine he’s somebody else? That’s what we do when you’re onscreen. I haven’t seen an actor so be wooden or bored onscreen since Arnold started plotting his gubernatorial campaign during the second act of Collateral Damage.

WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Matthew McConaughey: Failure To Launch – Flexing your biceps is not acting. Getting a tan is not acting. Growing ugly facial hair is definitely not acting. And trying to be Wooderson in every goddamn movie is, OH MY GOD, not acting. I know he was acting opposite Sarah Jessica Parker, an actress Matthew Broderick has a hard time getting half-massed over, but that’s no excuse for phoning it in so egregiously. What happened to the guy from A Time To Kill? Or U-571? Or Reign of Fire? Or, jeez, even Two For The Money? When did he start believing the only thing he was good at was wooing shrill blonde women and acting boyish? Somebody needs to slap that boy with a John Sayles DVD.

WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER

The Break-Up – The first film in history to openly campaign for abstinence as a method of protection. I challenge you to find one couple that had sex after seeing this movie? Can’t be done.

THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR

Pick ‘em: Pirates 2, Superman 5, Scary Movie 4, The Santa Clause 3, Big Momma’s House 2, Final Destination 3, The Grudge 2.

And what’s worse, 2007 is the year of the Threequel. I will now watch my copy of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and shake uncontrollably in the fetal position.

MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR

Superman Returns – Superman should never be in a hospital. And he should never be flying into little boys’s rooms in the middle of the night (creepy, that). Somebody please tranq Bryan Singer and tattoo this on his forehead. It will do him a lot of good for the next Supes flick.

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

The Da Vinci Code – The winner by process of elimination. If Borat was the most over-rated and Superman Returns the Most Unfortunate Third Act Flop, than Da Vinci, by default, becomes the most disappointing. I never really liked the book (I prefer the prequel, Angels & Demons) and everyone knows my thoughts on The Hair, but I was genuinely optimistic about the movie. I loved the cast, I liked the concept, Ron Howard narrated Arrested Development… Da Vinci Code had a lot going for it. Too bad it also had a stagnant story, no relatable characters, a weak villain, slow pace, awkward acting, bad action and an a-ton load of pre-release hype it would never live up to, going against it. However, despite all that, if Ron drops Tom and casts Russell Crowe and Kate Beckinsale in Angels & Demons, I will be there on opening day.

EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Ben Affleck: Hollywoodland – What’s next, Eddie Murphy in a rousing turn as a has-been Motown singer? Oh wait…

kate winslet and jack black in the holidayWEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Jack Black and Kate Winslet – Of all the actors you could think of to woo the beautiful, talented, delightful Brit, would Nacho Libre even fall in the Top 100? 200? Never in eleventy-billion years did I think I’d buy that ship. But lo and behold, it worked. Jables toned down the annoying to School of Rock-like levels, jettisoned his ill-conceived King Kong-style “acting”, gallantly refrained by excessive facial ticks, and actually – GASP – created a character worthy of Kate Winslet. By the end of the movie I was openly rooting for him to make his move. Go Nacho! If only the movie had axed the hair-pullingly awful Diaz-Law hook-up, I might in good conscience be able to recommend it.

THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!

Harrison Ford – I’ve already written about this before, so I won’t belabor the point. I’ll only add this: Harrison may be making sub-par action movies now, and he may only be acting with his index finger, but at least he’s not slumming in crap like Wild Hogs. There’s a reason I named this category for John Travolta. Ford may be over, but he’s drunken star class all the way.

THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD

Miami Vice – No amount of slick suits and perfectly greased Colin Farrell mullet hair can overcome a movie who’s plot prefers slogging in the mud over actual movement. Someone please tell Michael Mann that soft-focus, obtuse editing and vague dialogue do not a good action film make. It may be fun to watch for a bit (or if Tom Cruise is playing a contract killer), but definitely not for three freaking hours!!! And would it have killed Mann to throw in seven or eight more gratuitous boob shots? I don’t ask for much. I sat through Ali three times without once complaining of not seeing Michael Michelle trample her squeaky clean ER image. Throw The Jay a freakin bone! Come on!

THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE

Lady in the Water – Just goes to show you that there’s a fine line between “talented but a little crazy”, and “crazy but a little talented”. Guess which side M. Night Shyamalan falls under?

THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD

Hugh Jackman – An astonishingly Jude Law-ish six major motion pictures in 2006.

When you’re agreeing to play both a dancing penguin and a claymation rat in the same calendar year, me thinks someone is hedging their bets. Didn’t think Brett Ratner could pull X3 off, huh Wolvie? Hugh, my man, you’re always a welcome presence on-screen, but I could have done without you pedophile-ing it up with Scarlet Johansson in Scoop (she’s seventeen years your junior), and then macking down with her again in The Prestige (did I mention she’s 21 and you’re 37?). And stop saying yes to animated movies not made by Pixar. Learn a lesson from fellow aussie Eric Bana (Finding Nemo). And the next time Woody Allen calls, please, for all that is good and pure, let it go to voice mail.

THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT

Eragon – Call me when Dragonheart comes on TNT.

Scary Movie 4 – Call me when Anna Faris decides to get naked in an edgy indie flick for street cred.

Rocky Balboa – Call me if you’re going, because I’ll totally see it again.

BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE

The Donkey Show in Clerks 2. Although the naked fight scene in Borat comes very close.

jackass 2BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS

Jackass: Number Two – I don’t know what it is about seeing a guy put a fish hook through his cheek and then jump into shark-infested waters that just makes me happy, and frankly, I don’t much care. As long as guys like Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O are willing to do utterly insane things like wrestling an anaconda, getting a beer enema, gluing crabby pubes onto someone’s face, branding Bam’s ass with a penis shape and letting a bull gore their nether regions, I’m a happy camper. And one with a lot of disposable income. Keep ‘em coming boys.

Honorable Mention: Casino Royale – If only Bond Girls were allowed to really show there stuff, this might have leap frogged the Jackass boys. It’s ironic that the film showing guys getting their junk crushed in a funny way beat out the film with a guy getting his junk crushed dramatically. Just goes to show you that a good shot to the nuts is always funny, so long as you’re not strapped naked to a bottomless chair in a dirty seam pipe and getting whipped by a dude named Le Chiffre. Words to live by, that.

BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED

Salma Hayek: Ask the Dust – I can’t believe it took Hollywood this long to get Salma naked. My fellow geeks and I were burning through our slow motion buttons trying to enjoy that split second frame of Salma’s boobnormous Hayek’s in Desperado. This is easily the apex of celebrity nudity in 2006, despite it being in the service of a thunderously crappy movie. Note to the unwatched: Colin Farrell’s dick flops perilously into view several times, nearly destroying any locked-door repeatability of the scene; block it out, focus on Salma’s awesome rocking body, and you and yours will get through this.

Honorary mention: Amy Smart: Crank – A two-time winner in this category, Amy will always have a place in my heart for redeeming the abortion that was Road Trip, for being the only funny thing in Rat Race not named “Seth Green”, for being my favorite of Zach Braff’s never-ending blonde love interests on Scrubs (she was Tasty Coma Wife), and for her apparent willingness to drop a chest bomb on any B-picture that flosses her. Seeing her show up in a movie always puts a hop in my step because there’s a better than average chance she’s doffing her top (and doing it with a smile). Gotta love Amy Smart.

BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF

Just My Luck – I wouldn’t have a job if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so wonderfully self-destructive. Her whore-ositude, rampant coke habit and general willingness to anything for press helped generate the type of quality, from-the-gut snark in me not seen since the days of Josh Hartnett as an above the title star. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

THE 2006 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.

Marie Antoinette - Here’s a partial list of things I hate in movies:

- Kirsten Dunst
- Period pieces
- Useless soundtrack songs
- Willowly, passive characters
- Things that are British
- Cameron Diaz

Unless Kirsten really does get her head chopped off, they all jump into a time machine and travel to 2007, hire John Williams to beat the music coordinator with his conductor stick and turn every character American (or at the very least, Southern), I’m not interested.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF 2006

come early morning posterhard candy poster

pulse posterbrick poster

THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2006

1. Invincible – Mark Wahlberg’s hugemongous mouth + football = good times.

2. Accepted – See Most Underrated Movie(s) of the Year

3. Snakes on a Plane – It’s seems a cliché at this point, but it was snakes on a freaking plane! For what it was it was great. Boobs, chases, swearing, violent reptiles and Samuel L. Jackson. How could this be anything but a rocking B movie?

4. Crank – Jason Statham + guns x Amy Smart’s chest / by cool concept and cooler style = quality times.

5. Stick It – Anything that even remotely resembles Bring It On is always cool with me. However, those aren’t spirit fingers. THESE are spirit fingers. And these… are GOLD.

Bangarang!

Hosted by The Jay: Monday and Wednesdays, 7-8pm PST!

Things Overheard: Picture This, Blockbuster Sucks & Steven Spielberg is 60

Dec 20th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
10 comments

THINGS I’M MAKING FUN OF – A RED CARPET EDITION OF PICTURE THIS!

“I’m your HUGE Huckleberry. Is that pie? Cause I could totally go for pie while being your Huckleberry.”

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“Boy was I lucky my anti-aging cream came in time for this premiere. Who would have thought that the same orphans I’m adopting could also be used as pulp for my unholy Immortal Hotness potion.”

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“American Airlines announces it’s hiring of the hottest flight attendant EVER. In the event of a plane crash, please hope you are an empath. If so, please touch the flight attendant for safety.”

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“Hey honey, wanna hear me narrate? Oooh yeah, you like these dulcet tones? Why don’t you come march with my penguin?”

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“The new nose should keep Justin around a few more weeks. Maybe I should schedule a ham flap lift for the Spring. Surfing season is just around the corner…”

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“Good god, is that Jennifer Garner? Whose soul did she suck to get hot again? I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, Ben Affleck is a lucky, lucky man.”

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“Perfection.”

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“I must find Professor X before Magneto destroys Charlotte’s Web!”

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“I hope 50’s flak jacket has reinforcements. Looks like Sam didn’t get fed this morning.”

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“When did Angelina Jolie start dating a Joe Black?”

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“Lose five pounds of hair immediately, or get off my red carpet!”

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“Oh, you like that smile? You forgot how hot I am when I smile, didn’t you? Never forget how many times you whacked off to my nude scene in Mulholland Falls. NEVER!”

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“Physics!”

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THINGS I WILL BE APPEARING ON

Stay by your devices for instant messaging and internet porn this Thursday at 4pm, be they Mac or PC, as I guest host the live podcast “PopLoad” for NowInLa.com. It’s a pop culture show designed to drop a smelly wet one on the celeb shenanigans of the day. Basically, it’s like reading one of my posts out loud. The show is live, so if you want to ask me a question you can call in or text message. I’ll be premiering some stuff from this Friday’s Year in Film Awards post, and maybe even throwing out some trivia questions to the listeners. It’s gonna be fun.

If you miss the show I’m pretty sure you can download the episode afterwards. For more info on the show, click the banner on the sidebar or go through this LINK.

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THINGS I’M LISTENING TO

Here’s what’s kicking up dirt on my iPod these days.

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THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF ABOUT BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO

I went in to the worst video store EVER the other day to rent a few inane, distraction comedies (I needed something on in the background while I wrapped gifts, and wouldn’t you know it, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are absolutely perfect to ignore), perused the oddly spaced New Release wall – why was there an entire section set aside for Americn Pie 5, but only four copies of Brick? – and scored my Butterscotch Stallion fix, then braved the absurdly long line. I ignored the inexplicably slow service and sat patiently while the half asleep guy behind the counter ineffectually went about ringing me up. I drove all the way home, laid out the gifts and wrapping paper, went to put in the movie, only to find that the moron behind the counter forgot to take the security locks off of the tapes, so I couldn’t open either box!

So now I’m in a quandary. Do I get dressed and drive all the way back to Blockbuster just to get the locks pulled off, have a credit put on my account, throw some condescension at a minimum wage tape slag and then drive all the way back home, or do I just say screw it and watch TV instead?

Ten minutes later I was at the store.

I tell the guy he made the mistake, and his response? “Ah, my bad! I’m such a dumbass.” At least he owned up to it. I want a credit for the hassle and he tells me I have to ask for the manager. The manager (a hugemongous beyotch of a woman) makes me wait for nearly ten minutes (which wouldn’t be that big a deal, but I’m on crutches these days, so I only have one foot to stand on, and I’ve been putting it to use for the better part of a day), and when she finally deigns to help me she gives the shit eyes. Like I’m putting her out because her CSR is an idiot? In the immortal words of Erin Brockovich, bite my ass, Krispy Kreme! Don’t give me grief because you people suck at your monkey job; I’m not the thirty year-old working the late shift at a Sherman Oaks Blockbuster Video.

I don’t understand why the entire world hasn’t switched to Netflix, yet. Then again, I’m the same guy who’s astounded that the world rejected the Champagne Punch jellybean, so what do I know? However, I do know one thing: the next time I need a fix of inane Butterscotch Stallion jokery I’ll just pop in my well-worn copy of Zoolander on DVD and save myself the trouble (“You is talking loco and I like it!”).

Also…

Dear Blockbuster Video,

I hope Netflix socks you in the face like the crappy corporate suckhole you are.

Love,

The Jay

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THINGS ABOUT OSCAR

Now this is a campaign I can get behind.

Now if I can only get the Rocky Balboa “For Your Consideration…” campaign going.

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THINGS TO CLICK ON, SPORTS THEMED

- Dan Marino is nothing if not intense. Just too bad he didn’t bring that same passion to Ace Ventura, or he might have had some Oscar talk. Well, probably not, but it might have helped stop all the Razzie talk.

– If you enjoy shuddering at the thought of Chris Berman picking up chicks, today’s your lucky day. Expect “you’re with me, leather” to become a permanent reference here at TheJay.com.

(http://www.deadspin.com/sports/chris-berman/he-could-go-all-the-way-166410.php)

- Here’s my Holiday gift to all my wrestling fan readers out there. Here’s the entire match of Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant from the legendary Wrestlemania 3. Enjoy not getting any work done for the next ten minutes.

– This piece makes me hardcore pissed that HoopsTV.com folded. That was a sick sports blog, before blogs became the norm.

(http://freedarko.blogspot.com/2006/12/and-so-story-goes.html)

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THINGS ABOUT MY HEROES

Birthday wishes go out to Steven Spielberg, my all-time favorite director, who celebrated his 60th birthday on Monday. He may not always make the coolest movies, or even the smartest movies, but his movies are always exceedingly watchable, expertly made and laced with the type of magic seldom seen on-screen. In other words, he makes the best movies.

There isn’t a person in this country who doesn’t love at least one of his flicks, be it Jaws, Raiders, E.T., Jurassic Park, or one of the other twenty-one. His films touch our hearts, excite our minds and dazzle our eyes. He is responsible for millions of kids wanting to be film directors; and the conductor of an even higher number of childhood playtime fantasies. He was my first inspiration as a writer and budding director. And he remains my favorite creator of movie magic. Even when he makes a movie I don’t like ( like The Terminal) I still find great things in it, like the amazing airport set, which I got to walk through when I worked as an extra on the film (which means I might just love it because I’m visible in two shots of the movie).

To honor the bearded great one, here are ten Spielberg movie moments I love:

- Two moments stand out for me from Jaws: 1. The entire USS Indianapolis speech (“..thing about a shark. He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes…”). 2. When the shark drags the first barrel underwater and Hooper loses him in a chase; I love the quiet moment when Quint stands on the end of the starboard walk ramp, holding his rifle and shaking his head, while the sun sets beautifully around him. It was a look that spoke volumes. We’re gonna need a bigger boat, indeed.

- The over the shoulder pull back to reveal the government base at Devil’s Mountain, in Close Encounters. The first use of what is now known as “The Spielberg Shot”. Often imitated, never topped, it is still the best way to do a reveal on film.

- The scenes of kids trick-or-treating in E.T. As a boy who grew up in The Valley, watching a movie about a young boy and his alien best friend who lived, essentially, around the corner from me (I used to play in the same park as Elliot), brought me countless fever dreams and daytime pretend adventures. The moon shot is still a stunning image, and easily makes for the best production company logo EVER.

- The climax in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indy is hanging off the ledge, desperately trying to reach the grail cup, while Henry tries to pull him to safety. Henry can’t get Indy’s attention, and their grip is starting to falter. Indy’s got mad glory in his eyes, but Henry realizes what’s truly important and gives Indy the lesson our intrepid archeologist has been looking for since we saw him run from the boulder in Raiders.

Henry: Indiana. Indiana, let it go.

That line gets me more than any other moment in the series. A perfect encapsulation of the life these men lead. Man alive, can Spielberg make a movie!

- The trailer over the cliff sequence in The Lost World. So well-choreographed and executed, it comes off like a Gene Kelly dance, as interpreted by Wes Craven. I love the look on Julianne Moore’s face when she realizes what’s about to happen. “Oh shit” never looked cooler on a girl.

- The epic 20 minute storming the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan, specifically the extended sequences done in silence as Tom, slightly deafened from a blast, takes in the violence happening all around him. Arguably the most realistic depiction of war ever committed to celluloid. And the fact that this film lost to a Gwyneth Paltrow romantic comedy makes me sick at both ends.

- The opening credits of Catch Me If You Can, with the Pink Panther-like animation and the John Williams jazz riff. It was a signal that we were not about to see a typical Steven Spielberg fantasy, but instead something far more playful and sophisticated. And it is easily my favorite Spielberg movie of the last ten years.

- “Oh, there you are, Peter!”

- The spider sequence in Minority Report. The creepy mechanical crawlers search the entire building looking for Tom Cruise’s John Anderton (the last time The Cruiser was effortlessly cool on-screen). They can’t detect Cruise because he’s lying motionless in an ice cold bathtub. The last spider is walking away when Cruise lets one tiny air bubble slip out of his mouth. And the spider hears it. The delicate double take of the CGI creature is so smooth, so graceful as to be almost unnoticeable. But let there be no mistake, it is a sly stroke of genius. And serves as yet another reminder why Spielberg uses CGI better than anyone else on the planet. Michael Bay better learn himself an education by next summer. A BIG FUCKING ROBOTS movie needs all the subtlety it can get.

- The first dinosaur reveal in Jurassic Park. Maybe the single best reveal shot of the last half decade. Ellie is going on and on about some indigenous wildlife and Grant turns her head to see what he was looking at and all we see are her eyes go wide. Ellie rises out of the jeep and then BAM, we cut to the most perfectly realized depiction of a prehistoric animal ever put on film. I can still see my Dad shaking in the theater, awestruck by what he was seeing. That’s the type of reaction Spielberg elicits in audiences. He leaves them awestruck; my favorite emotion to have while watching a movie.

And I thank him for giving that to me so many times. Happy Birthday, Sir. We honor you here at TheJay.com. May you continue to create wonder on the silver screen for many more years to come.
For an absolutely fantastic retrospective of Steven Spielberg’s career, CLICK HERE.

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Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good Bangarang!

Tearful Celebrity Apologies

Jul 28th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
8 comments

Celebrities just don’t apologize enough. They release statements that try to white wash bad behavior, but no one ever comes outright and admits wrong doing. And that’s a mistake. With all the lying and cheating and paparazzi bashing and internet stalking going on these days, it’s hard to believe anything that comes out of anybody’s mouth. But I bet if someone were accused of something, say Paris Hilton getting accused of hacking into Lindsay Lohan’s cell phone (which actually happened last week), and Paris came out and said “Hell yeah I hacked the Firecrotch. She’s mean and she deserved it,” I bet no one would be mad at her. Heck, I bet she’d probably gain points in most peoples eyes.

You see, we like the truth. And we like the humility that stars must show when they tell the truth. Celebrity scandals would flame out much faster if the stars involved just came right out and admitted their involvement. We know (all) celebrities aren’t perfect. You have to be at least 35% crazy just to want to be in the entertainment industry so it’s no surprise when an actor turns out to be nuts and/or violent and/or sexually deviant and/or pure evil (Loved you in Baretta, Robert Blake!). So it’s a surprise to me that more stars don’t go down this road.

Wouldn’t you like La Lohan better if she just admitted to the coke and the anorexia? Wouldn’t you like Colin Farrell better if he just admitted he bangs anyone that so much as blinks at him (male or female)? Wouldn’t you like George Lucas better if he apologized for Jar Jar and the Star Wars prequels? I know I would.

We need to make this happen. We need to force celebrities to confess to their sins and hone up to the truth. And while we attempt to come up with a way to do just that, here’s a sampling of some of the tearful celebrity apologies I’d like to hear most.

Nicole Ritchie: Paris, I’m sorry I invited all your friends over to watch the video of you getting nailed by that greaser. That was wrong of me (but funny). I’m sorry about that one time when you got so drunk you passed out and I tattooed “Skaz” into your upper thigh. That was mean of me (but again, funny). And I’m sorry that I may have given you herpes. That was a weird night for me (this one’s not so funny); it’s confession time: I’m the real Firecrotch. And I’m very contagious.

Brad Pitt: I’m sorry, Jen. I know it was wrong of me to leave you for Angie, but really, do you blame me? That girl’s body is so perfect, I feel like a “3” whenever I’m around her. She may not be as down home as you. She may not smoke two packs a day like you. And she may not let me stay in Malibu instead of trekking all over Africa helping dirty foreign kids like you. But in the end, she’s still Angelina Jolie and you’re still Jennifer Aniston. Really, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for.

You, Me and Dupree: I’m sorry I ever claimed to be funny. Everyone was telling me how important I was and how Little Man was gonna kick my ass. What else could I do? I caved to movie peer pressure. But I did learn a valuable lesson: Never cast Kate Hudson in a movie that’s supposed to be funny.

Britney Spears: I’m sorry for becoming all trashy, ya’ll. But there’s only so much a person can do deny her true roots. And like my roots, I’m as backwater as they come. Please continue to fantasize about me when I used to be the hottest tits on legs. One day I’ll make it all up to you guys. Maybe a packed hard, laid down wet Playboy spread when I’m 35 and desperate. Will that make it up to y’all?

Harrison Ford: I’d apologize for Firewall and K19 and Six Days, Seven Nights and pretty much my entire career post-1997, but I’ve been drunk pretty much every day since the Air Force One premiere, so screw all of you. I’m rich, I’m grizzled, I’m dating a troll and I’m never making Indiana Jones 4. Now leave me alone! I’ve got to go fly my airplane and sign onto a mediocre action movie.

Jack Nicholson: I’m sorry I’m so “Jack”. There’s not much I can do about it. So get used to it. I’ve been awesome for a long time now. And I’m going to continue to be awesome for the foreseeable future. So I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Go Lakers!

Rachel McAdams: The Jay just told me I don’t have to apologize for anything. He says I’m perfect just the way I am. What a nice guy. I think maybe I’ll break up with Ryan and go challenge The Lady for the The Jay’s honor. Now where did I put those brass knuckles Lindsay gave me on Mean Girls?

Zach Braff: I’m sorry for appearing like I have absolutely zero interest in being on Scrubs anymore. It’s just that I am so damn kick ass now that Garden State did so well at the box office ($24 Million). I am way above this TV crap. Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go cash my latest Chicken Little residual. Humility doesn’t come cheap you know.

The Entire Cast of The O.C. (Minus the non-dearly departed Mischa Barton) : We’re sorry our show sucks now. But hey, at least we killed off Mischa. That’s something, right? Please watch us. It’s so cold here on Fox.

Orlando Bloom: I’m sorry I’m so bland. There really nothing I can do. I’ll try to be more interesting. Maybe I could date Lindsay Lohan? Would that help? If I killed a guy, would that fix the problem? I don’t know. I guess, maybe I could try acting better… wait, hmmm, I may be on to something here.

Colin Farrell: I’m sorry for denying that I ever knew that crazy bitch who attacked me on Leno and who’s suing me right now. It’s not that I lied so much as that I literally cannot tell all my sluts apart. Who can remember anyone’s name when you’re shit faced off of Yeager and Red Bull and four deep in groupies and playboy bunnies? Whoa, what’s that thing on my penis? Eh, doesn’t matter. Ladies, now serving number forty-seven? 47?

Sylvester Stallone: I’m sorry about Rocky 6. Just thought I’d get that out of the way. You know, save me some time.

Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas): I’m sorry I keep claiming I’m not a dude. Sometimes I just forget. Then I scratch my balls and I remember.

Suri Cruise: I’ve sorry I haven’t let any of you see what I look like. It’s not what you think. I’m real. I’m not a pod baby. I don’t have three arms, or six toes or any other weird appendage. It’s just, well… I’m embarrassed by my parents. I don’t want to be the kid on the street that everyone points at and goes “That’s Tom Cruise’s kid. Poor thing…” I don’t need your sympathy, ok? I just need some privacy. If people find out what I look like, I’ll never get a fair share. No guy will ever want to bang me. And the only way I’m getting out of here is if I get knocked up the first chance I get. So don’t you fuckers ruin this for me! Go away, let me do my time and when I’m a pregnant, runaway, heroin junkie at 14, I promise I’ll give you all the interviews and pictures you want.

Haley Joel Osment: I’m sorry I got loaded and crashed my Saturn station wagon (!) into a mailbox. I’ll promptly head to rehab where my publicist can stage my ratings-boosting Primetime Live sobriety now/redemption interview. As it turns out I don’t see dead people, but I do see a stint on The Surreal Life.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: I’m sorry I haven’t gotten more naked on Entourage. I know you’d think that after a bunch of hook up scenes with Nicky Hilton’s little boyfriend, a slew of potential nipple slip-favored shirts and good lord, a freaking threesome, that I’d lose my top just once. But it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ll try to rectify this at the earliest possible chance. Maybe this weekend. Especially if The Piven asks me to. I can’t deny him anything.

George Lucas: I don’t apologize for anything! If you don’t like my movies, don’t watch them, I don’t care, I’ve got billions! And I have the precious original, untouched negatives, and you’ll never get to see them. Ha haha hahaha aha (twirls beard hair like a Bond villain). … I suck.

Tom Cruise: Wooo! Apologize? Don’t be glib. You know Scientologists don’t believe in forgiveness. It goes against Xenuian emotional weakness laws. Wooo! Time to go back to “planning” the wedding. Katie, do you want roses or daffodils? Just kidding! Ha! Like you get a choice in the matter. Silly girl, you fall for that every time.

Lindsay Lohan: I’m sorry to all the teen boys of America who weren’t able to whack off to me in good conscience last year. I’m sorry to all the random guys I’ve hooked up with and never returned their calls (especially the ones that start out “Lindsay, I just got my test results back…”). I’m sorry to all the young girls who used to think I was a role model until I started doing mass amounts of coke and banging all of Paris’s ex-boyfriends. I’m sorry to all the movie studios and production companies who’ve lost money because I didn’t show up for work (Exhaustion is a serious disease, people!). But most of all, I’m sorry to my breasts, who did so much for me and my career, and I repaid them by nearly deflating them for an entire year. Girls, it’s great having you back. I’ll never have you surgically removed again!

Bangarang!


Celebrity Well Wishes For Brangelina and Shiloh the Infangelina

Jun 6th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
2 comments

As always here at The Jay, we like to take the time to honor and celebrate the birth of celebrity off-spring. And there’s no better way to do that then by supposing what some other big name celebrities might be saying to the proud, new parents. Assuming of course that Namibia even has postal service. Or electricity to read the letters once they arrive. Or, you know, if Brad and Angie’s aren’t too busy hiding from lions, or keeping Shiloh away from hungry Hyena’s. Or establishing democracy. Something charitable that Angie loves so much and Brad tolerates because she’s Angelina Jolie.

Know what? We’ll just assume they’ll read the well-wishes when they return to Malibu to raise they’re new family in Tabloidland. Congratulations to Brangelina and Shiloh-Nouvel, on behalf of TheJay.com and the following celebrities.

Vince Vaughn – Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. And three kids now, too. Real smart, Brad. Way to work it through. But seriously, as far as being a father, I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Brad. You’re a bad man, bad man. Say hi to the baby for me, I’ll be over here, not at all balling your ex-wife. Also, go see The Break-Up, now in theatres.

George Clooney – I guess this means I’m gonna win the Most Groupies Banged On Set Award when we go shoot Oceans Thirteen. Clooney, with the win!

Catherine Zeta-Jones – Brad darling, I’m just gonna ask you, cause I’m curious, the English can be curious from time to time. If Ocean’s Twelve had done better, would you have picked me? Darling, I’m not saying I would have gone for it, I’m just saying the Cryptkeeper can’t possibly last much longer, if you catch my sweet drift. Did you see his last movie? It was like an ad for geritol. Bratherine? Catherad? BradZeta? Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-Pitt! Hmm… Oh Michael dear!

Tom Cruise – Wooo!! Fatherhoood!!! It’s so great huh, buddy? Been a long time since our vampire movie. You wouldn’t let me talk you into coming down to the center, and I respect that. But I’m proud of you for staying strong. But how about we get together and talk about the kid coming down. We can do wonders for child development; getting rid of infantile disease, infantile drug use, we can manipulate her DNA. Heck, I’ll even let her play with little Suri. That kid can – (SIRENS BLARE IN THE BACKGROUND) Ah, dammit. Brad, I gotta go, the KatieBot’s trying to escape again. The fourth time this week. You’d think she’d have learned by know. KAAATIIIIE!

James Haven (Angelina’s Brother) – How about a kiss for the new mother?

Tyler Durden – Shiloh was the beginning, now it’s moved out of the basement, it’s called Project Mayhem.

Edward Norton – I just wanted to say congrats for bagging Angelina, cause that means that I really bagged Angelina, right? Wait, if you’re in Namibia, does that mean that I’m in Namibia? Oh shit. I am Jack’s West Nile virus.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Just by the by, I would have never made you move to Africa. London, maybe, but at least they have running water and yoga mats. As a gift for your new child, I had my husband write you a song. You know my husband, right? Kind of successful, kind of cool. In a little band called COLDPLAY? Enjoy Africa, Brad. I hear Namibia is for lovers. And THE PLAGUE!

Suri Cruise – Brad, Angelina, it’s me, little Suri. I tripped the alarm to get him out of here for a minute. You’ve gotta help us. Please, we’ll do anything. It’s worse than you know. The tests they make me take. Do you watch Lost? You know the Others? These guys are worse. Please, my Mom is a good person. At least I think she is, I don’t get to see her much, they keep her in the tank most of the day. He’s coming back, I don’t have much time. Help me Brangelina, you’re our only hope.

Julia Roberts – I wish I had the time to say a few nice words to your new family, but I’m just so busy, what with my blinding success on Broadway. Those Tony Awards commitments are pretty strict. Wait, what, I didn’t get nominated for a Tony Award? And no one is coming to see my show? Not even if I unleash the mega-watt chiclets? And now no one wants me in their movie? Not even Clooney? … well then. Seems I have some time on my hands. Congratulations on the new baby! I hope it’s more of a success than The Mexican.

Billy Bob Thornton – Can I just say how glad I am I never knocked you up, Angie. Could you imagine trying to talk my redneck ass into moving to Namibia? Seriously? Do they even have Orange food over there? I would have starved to death! Enjoy Africa, the plague, the kid and your vacant-eyed boytoy, but remember, I still have the pictures, I still have the blood vials, I still have the knives and I still have the contract for your soul. That lease don’t run out for quite some time. I’ll be waiting…

Jennifer Aniston – I don’t want to talk about the past, and all that stuff that happened. I’m beyond it, I’ve moved on, I’ve got a number one movie, I am good. Wait, what, People Magazine wants to do a cover story? … Brad hurt me! I am in so much pain! I don’t think I’ll ever get over our relationship! Also, go see The Break-Up, now in theatres.

Robert Redford – You’re a lucky man, Brad. They say you’re the new Redford, but I don’t know, I kind of wish it were the other way around. In my time, there were no tens. I had to nail Barbra Streisand; there was no one else! And here, you get Angelina Jolie. It’s just not fair. You got the money, the girl and the abs and I’ll I have is pockmarks and an over hyped film festival. Maybe Newman will agree to the Butch Cassidy sequel and I can cast Scarlet Johansson. An old guy can dream…

Colin Farrell – Shiloh, I congratulate you and I envy you. Angie was my Mom for a time, and let me tell you, fucking fantastic, man! Sponge baths, cuddling, fucking breast feeding like there was no tomorrow! It was fucking wild man! Woo, miss that girl. She still have that little mole on her- well, heh, you’ll find out. When you get the chance, tell her little Colin says “goo goo”, she’ll know what it means.

Jon Voight – Shiloh, it’s your Grandpa. I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anytime soon, so make Mommy put on the first Tomb Raider movie so you’ll know what I look like. Or turn on any of the talk shows, chances are I’ll be on pimping your birth and trying to get some publicity for myself. I love you, kid, even if your hot Mother doesn’t think so.

God – With parents like that, I didn’t have to lift a finger. I just sat back and watched reruns of Laguna Beach. That’s how the G-O-D rolls.

Sean Preston Spears – Hey Shiloh, what up, it’s me, little Sean P. What say you, me and Suri hook up for a little kiddie three-way. Think about it. I got mad baby pleasing skills. My Dad’s been teaching me some tricks. Holla atcha boy, playgirl!

Bangarang!

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Future Access Hollywood Spoilers

May 22nd, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
7 comments

Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE

- ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!


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