TomKat

Picture This: Celebrities in Action

May 9th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
6 comments

“Mel Gibson. Proving once again that there’s still someone in this world crazier than Tom Cruise.”

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“OH MY GOD! I just realized you’re not Matt Damon. …so embarrassing!”

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“EXPECTO CORONA!”

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“Lemon face, ahhh!”

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“Troll face, ewww!”

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“I think the flapjacks are ready, Jessica.”

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“Since when did Lindsay Lohan turn into a sixty year-old Jewish lady with a waddle problem?”

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“Further proof that The Jay is an excellent judge of character.”

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“I get to be in another Keanu Reeves movie? SWEET!”

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“Back off ladies, this man is mine! … you look beautiful Felicity.”

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“Do these sunglasses make me look gay?”

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“Ugh, it’s Tony’s turn to be the teacher tonight.”

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“Maybe if I don’t move, they won’t be able to see me.”

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“This one’s for Honeymoon in Vegas, yeah! Take a good look, Sarah Jessica, because it’s the closest you’re ever gonna get to one!”

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“Two whores in search of their pimp.”

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“No seriously, I’m a serious actress.”

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“HEY!! Are you really the one guy who paid to see Mission Impossible 3 this weekend? It’s so good to meet you! Thanks for the support in our time of shame.”

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“Gays guys rock! Gyllenhaal SALUTE!”

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Bangarang!


Celebrity Well Wishes For Tom, Katie and Suri the TomKitten

Apr 21st, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
2 comments

We here at TheJay.com (and by we I mean “me“) would like to extend our deepest congratulations to Suri Cruise, the newest member of the Church of Scientology. May her rise of the levels of Thetan be quick and clean, and long may she wave her Xenuian flag, proud to be free of prescription narcotics, psychiatry, dyslexia, bulimia, athlete’s foot, genital warts, Icee-induced brain freeze and all the other things that the Church claims their religion can cure. L Ron would sure be proud to know that his teachings have helped to inspire a generation of celebrities to donate ten percent of their gross yearly income in order to learn a new way of life that is violently opposed to the natural order. And that those same celebrities have rallied around one celebrity icon, leading the charge for societal acceptance. And that his efforts have resulted in the first celebrity baby Scientologist. Yes, there’s nothing better than forced religion, especially a weird one. No doubt the other kids in the playground will have little ammunition to pick on Suri with, what with her uber-famous father, her uber-zombie mother, her family’s vast fortune, general public ridicule, the expectations of an entire religion, and finally, her not-at-all freaky first name.

Oh yeah, and congratulations to the Mom and Dad, Mr. and Mrs. Batshit Crazy Tom Cruise. They must be so proud to have brought their hoax / beard / religious icon / robot / pod baby into this world. I’m sure they will make fine parents some day. Or at least hire a competent Scientologist nanny. Cigars for everyone! But don’t get addicted to nicotine. The Church doesn’t have a cure yet for the sweet, deathly weed.

It’s ironic (in that Alanis Morissette kinda way) that a devout Scientologist and a formerly devote Catholic would name their baby after a Hebrew word. I guess it’s anything you can do to get back in the good graces of Papa Spielberg, eh Cruise?

But don’t listen to me, I’m quite cynical (No, it’s true. But thanks for coming to my defense.). I have compiled a group of congratulations comments from friends and acquaintances of the Cruise family. Take a read on what some of Hollywood’s most famous people are saying about the baby of the year (At least until Brangelina pops out their Namibian freakshow golden baby, sometime in mid-June.).

John Travolta: Tommy, from one Level Three Thetan to another, congratulations. He will make a fine Xenuian descendant of L. Ron. Wanna make out?

Renee Zellweger: Whatever you do Katie, just make sure the lawyers put a Fraud clause in the pre-nup. Trust me on this one.

Brad Pitt: Seriously, Tom, how do you get Katie to stay so quiet? I can’t get Angie to shut her trap for five minutes; always going on and on about starving Africans and poor Cambodian mine fields. I don’t care. I’m from Missouri, Tom! The most I want to say to a girl is “Where’s my bud?” And now we’re having the kid, who to be honest may not even be mine, in some country called Namibia. I don’t even know where that is. Where am I? Can’t I just go home? Is this really my punishment for leaving Jennifer. She wasn’t even that great to begin with. Always had this slight stench of… Ross on her. Help me Tom, you’re my only hope.

Josh Hartnett: Katie, I’ll admit, when you left me for Tom without so much as a Blackberry text, I was pretty bummed. But now, the way I see it, you have at best traded sideways. Where as I, most definitely traded, UP. So, you know, no hard feelings.

Nicole Kidman: I guess my lawyer is just better than yours, Katie. We adopted. Best of luck with your new, small baby. And I do mean small. Troll spawn don’t often reach the heights of giants. Or even of normal people.

Chris Klein: Yeah, I know, I’m a jerk and a world-class, world-renowned sleazeball. But at least when I was dating Katie I let her say more than two words at a time AND let her get naked on-screen. So the way I see it, I’m probably square with the big guy up stairs. And with most of the fifteen year-olds who saw The Gift not knowing Katie was gonna unleash the wonder twins. Booyah, I tapped that hard, good and great. I rule.

Steven Spielberg: Congratulations, Tom. A baby is a wonderful thing to bring into the world. I would know, Kate and I have adopted seventeen of them. You know, I also like to consider my films to be my babies. Which I think makes it so hard to deal with the fact that you gave our War of the Worlds the equivalent of the black death. It may not last a decade in the minds of the audiences. So thanks Tom, for killing our baby. Hopefully you won’t do the same to yours. Now if you’ll excuse me, the Master must tend to his new reality show. Coming this fall on FOX!

Scarlet Johansson: Poor Katie. I am so glad that isn’t me.

Jessica Alba: You’re telling me!

Cuba Gooding Jr.: SHOW ME THE BABY! Sorry Tom, thought it might convince you to do Jerry Maguire 2. I really need the work. Nobody’s returning my calls. And they gave my Snow Dogs sequel to that cracker from the car-racing movie. Maybe I can pawn my Oscar. Nah, it hasn’t been worth anything since I made Chill Factor.

Michelle Williams: I wish I had done more on the Creek, Katie. I know we had our differences, what with you being more famous than me at the time, but if I had known what you would be going though now, I would have done things differently. We’re mothers now. Well, I mean, I’m a mother. You’re more of a surrogate to a Miracle Baby, but the point remains the same. Girls who used to work together, who also gave birth to the babies of pampered, slightly loopy actors must stick together. It’s all we have. Me, you and that little Asian girl Nicolas Cage bought in The Valley.

Britney Spears: Wow, ya’ll! Suri, that’s a cute name. I didn’t know you had an Indian baby. That’s so cool, Tom. If I could have chosen, I would have had a black baby, but Kevin and I don’t know how to do that. Kids are hard, ya’ll. There always falling off things when you’re not looking, and trying to drive your car without a car seat or seat belt. Kids are out of control. The real problem is the parents. So you be good to your little Indian girl. Ya hear?

Jack Nicholson: You want well wishes? You want well wishes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE WELL WISHES! Son, we live in a world that has real religions. And those religions need to be guarded. Guarded against scientologists. Whose gonna do it? You Tom? You, zombie girl with the rack? I didn’t think so. I’d rather you just said I’m sorry, and went on your way. Best to Paula Wagner and the kids. Love Jack.

Val Kilmer: You can be my son’s play date anytime.

Jamie Foxx: HEEEEY!! HOOOO!!! You made it do what it do. HEEEYYY!! HOOOO!!! Here’s a gift for little baby. My CD, Unpredictable, in stores now. Love you, Big Cruisey. Holla atcha boy!

Brooke Shields: Born on the same day, huh? Man Tom, you are just so good at publicity. Stealing the spotlight of the birth of MY baby by having your own? What did you do? When you heard I was giving birth did you start stepping on Katie’s stomach? Did you inject her with some mutant Scientology not-drug that pushes the kid out faster, cures her of heroine and depression and cleanses her of dyslexia? Because I know you can do that.

Sean Penn: IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? IS THAT YOUR BABY IN THERE? No seriously, in the crib, is that your baby in there? She’s cute. Good job, Tom.

Penelope Cruz: Garble, garble. Unintelligible accent, garble, Matthew’s abs are better, garble, Spanish curse word, control freak, deadly Spanish curse word, garble, garble. Como se dice? Congratulations Tommy. I’m glad it wasn’t me.

Stanley Kubrick: Don’t look at me, I’m dead. I make fifteen classic movies, and our goddamn sex movie gave me a heart attack. It took two years and a real live, honest-to-god sex doctor to make you believable having sex with your OWN wife, who I might add, was Nicole freakin Kidman. So, pardon me if I roll around in my grave a bit at the thought you knocked up that poor little girl within days of meeting her.

Sean Preston Spears: Stick with me, Suri. I know a great therapist. Been seeing him since I was born. We’ll keep it a secret from your pops.

Julia Roberts: Congratulations, Tom. You know it’s funny. I distinctly remember doing this movie where a rich guy paid my character a large sum of money to pretend I was his girlfriend, and to disguise who I really was. But we never had a baby together. I guess this is the sequel, huh? Hope she settled for more than I did. Inflation’s gone up since 1991.

L.Ron Hubbard: Tom, Katherine, Little Baby Zort, I mean Suri, warmest wishes from your beyond the grave Thetan leader. Now I have a bedtime story for little Suri. Many, many years ago there was a writer named Herman Melville, who wrote a book called Moby Dick. When the book was released it was a huge success, a bestseller for its age. Some time after the release of the book Oxford University invited Melville to speak at a roundtable discussion of the themes and elements of his book. The discussion was led by a slew of the finest minds in all of England. They instantly began peppering the writer with in-depth questions about the philosophical and metaphysical elements of Moby Dick. They wanted to know if the journey of Ahab was a meta-reference to the downward spiral of western intelligence. They asked if the color of the whale was a sub-textual representation of the ills of Mother England. And so on. The questions kept coming, and kept getting more deep and complex. After a time Melville raised his hand and silenced the panel. He gave a little smile, looked up and told the geniuses of the world: “Guys, it’s just a book about a guy chasing a whale.”

Congratulations on the newest addition to your family. And remember Tom, sometimes it really is just a book.

Bangarang!

Siberia Season

Apr 7th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
No comments yet

Spring is a bad time for the movies. It has the unfortunate combination of battling the leftover blockbusters from the Christmas and the glut of awards season, culminating in late-February with the Academy Awards. Added to this, the studios are prepping their summer tentpoles and can’t be bothered to release anything of quality or even of satisfying spectacle. It’s essentially become the dead zone for American cinema. August is the dog month of the summer movie season, September is the sketchy awards movie gambit month, and everything else from May till December is prime real estate. But January till mid-April is the Siberia season.

Spring tends to have a fairly predictable pattern to it. The worst films on a studio’s docket get released in January, with maybe one or two films defying predictions and making decent returns. February gets a few cute romantic comedies for Valentine’s Day, a couple of horror movies for some good counter-programming, and often a midly interesting genre picture or two. March gets a handful of minor blockbusters, which tend to be either star vanity pictures, or potential big hits that just weren’t strong enough for the summer. And April is a dumping ground for the scraps of the studio system, interlaced with the first of the bigger films of the year.

All in all, it’s not cinema paradise, but it’s usually a solid tide-over until the big guns start rolling out in May.

As far as patterns go, this season has been no different. January gave us the crap: Annapolis, Hoodwinked, Underworld: Evolution and Big Momma’s House 2, with the last two films doing moderately well at the box office. February gave us horror films: When a Stranger Calls, Final Destination 3; it gave us a few genre pictures: Firewall, Date Movie, The Pink Panther; and we got a romcom: Something New. Failure to Launch was supposed to be the big V-Day flick, but the producers got spooked by Paul Walker’s sled dog movie and jumped ship to early March. As it turns out the gambit worked and the film has made bank, but it’s not exactly an inspiring vote of confidence for the film career of SJP or for stoned B-movie star Matthew McConaughey. When you make a romantic comedy and it doesn’t star Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan or Tom Hanks, your purpose is to release it on Valentine’s Day. Anything else and your pointless rom-com has become that much more pointless.

March gave us the minor blockbusters: Inside Man, Ice Age 2, V for Vendetta; and we got the vanity pictures: 16 Blocks, Basic Instinct 2 and Ultraviolet. Say, how come in the last couple years the vanity picture is always a Bruce Willis movie (16 Blocks, Hostage, Tears of the Sun, Hart’s War)? Hasn’t Bruce reached that “Elder Statesman / Cool Movie Presence” level where his movies get special treatment just because he’s in it? I mean Morgan Freeman got there without a major hit to his name, and it’s not like he threw Hans Gruber of the 32nd Floor of the Nakatomi Towers. You know what I mean?

And April tows the line with predictable dumping ground material: The Wild, Benchwarmers, Take the Lead, The Sentinel; and with the first of the big blockbusters: Ice Age 2 and Scary Movie 4.

It would seem that everything is in order, except for one thing: THE MOVIES ARE BAD. Usually we get one or two interesting or even cool movies. Last year we got Sin City, 2004 had Man on Fire, Kill Bill vol. 2 and Mean Girls, 2003 gave me the guilty pleasure flick The Core, and so on. So why didn’t we get even ONE worthy movie in the last three months? I can’t possibly believe that the Spring 2006 movie season will go down in the history books as the time when Eight Below ruled the box office. Paul Walker and some cute dogs, I mean really? Was there anything else, though? Aside from making me laugh with the “Der Burger” scene, The Pink Panther is not exactly comedy gold. Even V for Vendetta disappointed. Yeah, people like it, but the nation as a whole is surprisingly indifferent to it.

(Could it be that the Wachowski brothers aren’t nearly as big a draw as Warner Brothers wants us to believe? Could it be that they aren’t even that good of filmmakers? Could it be that maybe it was not so much the cool concept and execution of The Matrix, then it was the awesomeness of Keanu Reeves that ultimately resulted in the success of that movie? You think about that last point for a while, and we’ll come back to it when A Scanner Darkly comes out and I print my instant-classic column “In Defense of Keanu: Brilliant Actor, Misunderstood Genius and All-Around Good Guy”. Then we’ll really see what’s what.)

So what happened this year? I’m not going to make the generalization that this was the worst Spring season in history. Surely there have been worse years, though none come to mind (2005 wasn’t exactly spectacular, but then again Sin City makes up for a lot of The Pacifier’s.). Cinema has been on a downward slope for a while now, but doesn’t it seem like these last few months have seemed to be especially brutal? I avoided movie theaters like the plague, choosing instead to stay at home and catch up on Oscar movies, enjoy some good television (Except for you Lost, you suck, and I’ll deal with you next week), and watch my adopted UCLA Bruins go on a sweet run through the NCAA Tourney. And maybe that’s what it is. Maybe I am just a prime example of why Spring has become Siberia. There are too many other, better things to do. The NCAA Tournament, the start of the baseball season, February TV Sweeps, mid-season replacement shows (Did anyone catch the license plate on that Heather Graham show? Man that peeled away in a hurry!), and the Oscars are all vying to steal the attention of audiences.

As well, Quality filmmakers balk at the idea of releasing a Spring movie because they know it means their film has no chance come Oscar time. Actors are scared to death of making a January movie because no amount of good press can make people forget that your movie was so crappy that they released it in January so that the money men could clear the books and use it as a tax shelter (Also because no one goes to the movies in January and therefore wouldn’t fault the studio for releasing such a giant POS). Kids are back at school with no vacation in sight, parents are worried about tax time, sports fans have better things to do than watch movies about sports (Glory Road? Come On!), the tabloids get to start hyping their big new year story lines (Brangelina splitting up! Katie Holmes is not really pregnant! Heather Locklear dating David Spade! Wait… what???). Basically, there’s something else going on for every age and demo, and the movies are suffering because of it.

It’s just a bad season, period. It used to be you could look at the release calendar and something cool popped up almost every week. But I look at it today and can’t find a single movie I’m looking forward to until Mission Impossible 3, and that’s only to see what type of reception The Batshit Crazy Cruiser is going to get now that everyone knows he is officially bat shit crazy.

(On a side not, how awesome is it that Tom Cruise is trying to earn goodwill by telling the press that his Father used to beat him? Like hey, Cruiser, Teri Hatcher has that ground fairly well-covered, thank you very much. I mean seriously Tom, get a better publicist, you’re now trying to pull sloppy second publicity ideas from of a once smoking hot but now a tabloid chasing TV actress that looks like Skeletor on a bad day and was recently spotted kissing the gayest straight man in Hollywood besides you, Ryan Seacrest, and people felt bad for him! You were once untouchable, and now you’re reduced to Let me give you some advice, lose the Scientology beat, stop giving Katie Holmes her downer drugs, and go make a good movie. Or, you know what you could do? In the immortal words of Vito Corleone: “You could act like a man!”)

Anyway, back to the business at hand… I’m looking at a month with nothing to see in the theaters. Sure, I’ll go see American Dreamz, Silent Hill and Stick It (Because I’m a glutton for potential guilty pleasure cinema, and because it’s directed by the writer of Bring It On. There’s no possible way I won’t love this movie.), but I’m not excited to see any of them. As a film lover, and one of the few people left in Los Angeles that still likes to “go to the movies”, I crave that feeling you get when you just can’t wait for a movie to come out. I can remember watching the trailers for Kill Bill and just dying, there was no way I could survive the wait for that movie. Back before John Travolta was a cinematic punchline, I would make people in the room shut up during trailers for Face Off. And you can all remember what it was like waiting for The Phantom Menace to come out (though that memory might be tainted a little by how you felt walking out of the theater).

I need to feel alive again about the cinema. I need a year like 1999, when dynamic, thought-provoking and generally awesome movies were coming out every week. I need to look at the summer season and not shake my head at it, knowing I’m gonna be bored to tears with X-Men 3, Pirates 2, Fast and the Furious 3 and Superman Returns. I need to know that this art form that I love, that I give my life to, hasn’t abandoned me; that there is still hope in the movie world, and not just shlock, dripping in every corner. What I want is for someone to ask me what I’m doing this weekend, and for my answer to be, without hesitation, “I’m going to the movies.” Is that so much to ask?

Maybe we should just call a mulligan on the whole year so far. What a shame…

Anyway… onto happier, more snarkier things. Here are some awards for the 2006 Siberia Movie Season:

Best Movie of the Spring: Inside Man

- But this is by default. It should have been A Scanner Darkly, but they bumped it to the summer opposite Pirates 2. Because that’s a good time for geeky counter-programming! It’s like the whole world is against Keanu and I.

Worst Movie of the Spring: Pick ‘em – Big Momma’s House 2, Annapolis, Hostel, Ultraviolet, or maybe all of them.

Most Pleasant Surprise: She’s the Man

– One of these days I’ll have to explain why I am so irrationally in love with this movie.

Least Pleasant Surprise: Underworld: Evolution

– I would have liked to jump on the Underworld bandwagon, too bad I was completely right in thinking this franchise sucks balls. And no amount of hottie Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather jumpsuit can fix that.

Worst Trend of the Siberia Season: Transvestite Movies

- Did we really need to see ANOTHER episode of Big Momma’s House? If it were a UPN sitcom it wouldn’t have lasted three weeks, and they don’t even have anything else to put on! Speaking of, what happened to Everybody Hates Chris? Did that show disappear? Look, I’m down with Madea, with Martin Lawrence, and as much as I loved She’s the Man, I’m down with cute girls dressing as boys. I get it, dressing like the opposite sex is awkward and funny. Good times! I got the point back when Tom Hanks was still a TV star. Can we move on now?

Best Trend of the Siberia Season: No Ashton Kutcher Movies

– What a tremendous breath of fresh air from the oppressive 2005 Siberia Season when you couldn’t go ten feet without running into an Ashton Kutcher movie. It was an Ashtatorship for three months last year. But in 2006, not a Kutcher flick on the horizon, and I feel fine. I don’t have to think about him until October, when he and Kevin Costner get to make a bad movie together called The Guardian.

The So Long, Farewell, Aufvedershen, Goodbye Award: Harrison Ford

– He’s so unfun to watch now that I’m surprised Spielberg is still considering doing an Indy 4. Can’t he see that Ford doesn’t like making movies anymore? He was probably paid $20 Million for Firewall and he phoned the whole thing in. And it was his only movie in three years! It’s not like he was tired and overworked. Quite the contrary, he was actually just bored and drunk. The man’s so grizzled now, he could go probably live with bears and do just fine. And the worst part? We have no one to replace him. We have Rachel McAdams taking over for Julia Roberts; Vin Diesel is taking over Arnold’s spot, and Jake Gyllenhaal subbing in for pre-insane Tom Cruise. But who will replace Harrison Ford?

Biggest Sign of Cinematic Apocalypse: Paul Walker, International Movie Star.

– I guess if a cute dog movie can work for Cuba Gooding Jr. then it can work for Paul Walker. But does he have to be so damn smug about it. He already has the abs, the money and the girls. Does he really need box office credibility also?

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same Award: Paul Walker, Box Office Poison.

– And The Jay looked to the heavens and said unto the lord (Steven Spielberg) “Why have you forsaken me? What is the purpose for the atrocity of Eight Below’s box office success? How do I go on knowing this has taken place?” And the bearded one responded: “Here is Running Scared, my child. Take this unto you and be calm, for it will suck hard and people with turn their backs on the false idol of Paul Walker. Also, watch my new reality show, On the Lot, premiering this fall on FOX…” And The Jay was calm then, for all was right with the world.

Bangarang!


My Top 5

Mar 14th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
4 comments

The other night I sat down to write a new piece that was about anything but the Oscars (finally). So I checked my usual sites, looking for a subject, looking for inspiration. As it turns out, inspiration is hard to come by on the Internet. I checked sports sites, trivia sites, gossip sites, movie and TV sites, book sites, blogs, news sites, myspace, and anywhere else I could think to go to. But I found nothing. At the risk of writing in hyperbole, but right now, there is absolutely nothing going on of any interest.

The Oscars are over, TV is mostly in reruns and midseason pick-up ads, sports is failing miserably with the WBC and those pathetic Olympics, the gossip scene is thin and besides, who cares to read anymore about the Lohan’s, Paris’s and Brangelina’s of the world. And worse yet, there hasn’t been a single decent movie to come out this year, with very little to look forward to on the horizon. Yes, it’s a light time right now. In other words, it’s hard out here for a blogger…

I’m going to spend the next few days brainstorming good column ideas and watching as much entertainment as I can, in my search for inspiration (I have the Crispin Glover movie Willard going on in the background right now, so you know, the search is starting out pretty poorly). But until the divine hits me, or I grow impatient and bang out another “Crash sucks” piece, I did want to post SOMETHING. So I started coming up with lists of things to write about, and just as quickly, an idea came.

Lists.

And so I started listing things, pop culture-like things. And it should due for now. I promise thicker, funnier content as the ides of March roll on, but until then, please enjoy my Top 5 lists.

Top 5 Upcoming Films I Am Dying To See

1. Miami Vice
2. A Scanner Darkly
3. Nacho Libre
4. Snakes on a (Muthafuckin) Plane
5. Clerks 2

Top 5 Potentially Awesome Future Oscar Hosts

1. Jim Carrey
2. Conan O’Brien
3. George Clooney
4. Bonnie Hunt
5. Tom Cruise (Just Kidding!)

Top 5 Favorite Random Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.
2. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only
another fist.
3. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is
gay, but because he has run out of women.
5. In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

Top 5 Sequels I Never Want To See

1. Crash 2: Revenge of the Fender Bender
2. King Kong 2: Less Monkey, More Adrien Brody
3. Duece Bigalow 3: Stop Employing Rob Schneider
4. Rumor Has It… This Sequel Sucks
5. The Revenge of the Christ

The Top 5 Worst Films Released So Far This Year

1. Hostel
2. Freedomland
3. Underworld: Evolution
4. Big Momma’s House 2
5. When A Stranger Calls

Top 5 Discarded TheJay.com Post Ideas

1. The Case For: King Kong, Best Picture Winner
2. Dolph Lundgren: The Greatest Action Star Ever (Actually this would be kind of cool.)
3. Why Paris Hilton Will One Day Win An Oscar
4. 50 Reasons Why I Like Renee Zellweger
5. Keanu Reeves: Misunderstood Genius, A Five Part Series (Actually I am doing this one, but it will be called “Keanu Reeves is my Favorite Actor. Seriously.”)

Top 5 Summer Films That Will Suck. Trust Me.

1. Little Man
2. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (Wouldn’t a better subtitle be: “3rd Gear”?)
3. Garfield 2
4. Superman Returns
5. Poseidon

Top 5 TV Shows That Just Need To End Already. It’s Time.

1. The West Wing
2. Scrubs
3. The O.C.
4. Charmed
5. Will & Grace

Top 5 Pieces of Entertainment I Have Recently Enjoyed

1. She’s The Man – Who knew I’d like an Amanda Bynes movie?
2. Elroy Nights – A wonderful, lyrical book by the famed Southern writer Frederick Barthelme.
3. Poolhall Junkies – It’s not Shakespeare, but it is a cool little indie starring a trove of excellent actors, led by the inimitable Christopher Walken (He has a monologue about lions that is tremendous, and vintage-Walken. He should be required to show up in every movie and recite some crazy speech, just to make it better; no film could not be improved by more Chirstopher Walken.).
4. Pros vs. Joes – I like this show so much that I can’t do it justice with a one-liner. As The Sports Guy would say, this definitely deserves it’s own column at some point.
5. Gilbert Gottfried: Dirty Jokes – I hate Gilbert Gottfried and I still loved this CD. It’s raunchy, it’s offensive and it made me laugh harder than anything I can remember lately.

Top 5 Most Overrated Current TV Shows

1. Desperate Housewives
2. Lost
3. Grey’s Anatomy
4. The Sopranos
5. 24

Top 5 Most Underrated Current TV Shows

1. Boston Legal
2. Battlestar: Galactica
3. Veronica Mars
4. Smallville
5. Out of Practice

Top 5 Funniest Wedding Crashers Movie Quotes

1. “I’m a cocksman!”
2. “Just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.”
3. “Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”
4. “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
5. “I’d like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it’s not Halloween. Grow up.”

Top 5 Worst Bruce Willis Action Movies

1. Mercury Rising
2. Striking Distance
3. The Jackal
4. The Siege
5. Tears of the Sun

Top 5 Reasons Lost has Gone Off Its Rails

1. Michelle Rodriguez
2. Kate and her pretty pony
3. Way Too Much Tailies, Way Too Little Sayid, Hurley and Mr. Eko
4. Enough with the hatch, tell me more about the Others, already!
5. Seriously, a freakin pony?

Top 5 Most Annoying Things About MySpace

1. People Who Overuse the Bulletins To Post Useless, Annoying Crap That Nobody Cares About.
2. Friend Requests from people I don’t know. Go away, whores!
3. People With More Than 150 Friends. Dude, seriously, you don’t know that many people.
4. Clicking on a friend’s page and getting assaulted with a design for their page where you can’t see anything.
5. People bugging you about why they aren’t in your “Top Eight”. You’re not there, because I don’t like you. Climb a ladder and get over yourself.

Top 5 Celebrities Couples That Must Be Stopped

1. Brangelina
2. Britney and Kevin
3. TomKat
4. Lindsay Lohan and Cocaine
5. Vaughniston

The Top 5 Saddest Things in Entertainment So Far This Year

1. The decline of Scrubs (Damn you Zach Braff, can’t you at least try to act like you want to be there?)
2. The sad realization that Harrison Ford as we know him (believable action hero) is gone forever.
3. The look on Brad Pitt’s face every time Angelina drags him to another United Nations event.
4. Paul Giamatti losing out on a much-deserved Oscar… again.
5. The sad realization that Katie Holmes will never be “that hot girl from Dawsons Creek who got naked in the Gift” ever again.

Top 5 Most Embarassing DVD’s That I Own

1. Godzilla: Special Edition
2. Best of the Best 2 (Not nearly as cool as the original. James Earl Jones ruled in that one!)
3. Oscar (But at least I don’t own Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!)
4. The O.C. – Season One
5. Practical Magic (Not only have I unwrapped it, it’s gotten a lot of play time.)

Bangarang!


Things Overheard on the Oscar Red Carpet, 2006

Mar 10th, 2006
by Jason Matthews.
3 comments

Alright, so here’s the deal… a day after the Oscars I got bad dash of stomach flu. Up until this afternoon, I hadn’t been out of bed since Monday night. And it sucked. If you think for a second it may be fun to hang out in bed for two days, I welcome you to try it, but you’re gonna hate it, because it sucks. First off, there’s absolutely nothing on TV during the days. Aside from the always reliable PTI on ESPN there might be an above average SNL on E!, but mostly there’s a big ball of nothing (Man, there were a lot of abbreviations in that sentence. LOL!).

Also, lying down for an extended period of time is not fun; your legs lock up and get sore, you get nasty full body cramps and you get a raging cotton sheets-induced headache. So now I’m a couple pounds lighter, a couple Netflix mailed back and two days behind on my final Oscar recap. Unfortunately, I’m apparently the only one on the net that hasn’t done one yet. Seriously, who knew that Oscar coverage would be so widespread on the net? Since when was it about anything else but porn?

So you’re not getting a big slam bang Oscar recap filled with best and worst lists and cheap shots at the expense of Reese Witherspoon (well maybe you’ll still get one or two). I’m done with the Oscars, done with my mammothly over thought-out Oscar coverage and done with my blinding anger over the Crash win. And I would bet most of you would like to see me writing about something else. But before I do, I will give you one last Oscar treat.

Every year I like to write what I think some celebrities were thinking as they walked down the Oscar red carpet. A-Train personally requested I do this, and since he’s throwing what will be an awesome St. Patrick’s Day party down at his Manhattan Beach pad next week (Irish Car Bombs here I come…), I am inclined to acquiesce to his request… means “yes”.

So…

Things Overheard… On The Oscar Red Carpet

Paul Giamatti – I would have shaved for this thing, but I know they’re giving it to Clooney. Why even make me come down? You screwed me last year and now you’re giving me a pity nod? Screw it, I’m gonna go find Russell Crowe, get drunk and throw stuff.

George Clooney – I wonder… if I win, could I get as many chicks as Jack? Probably not, but damn if I’m not gonna give it my best shot.

Keira Knightley – I left Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom on a beautiful Caribbean island to fly halfway around the world, and get all crazy hotted up just so I can lose graciously to that squirrel chin, Reese Witherspoon? The things I gotta do to make up for Domino!

Heath Ledger – And to think, I was this close to signing up for A Knight’s Tale 2: Revenge of the Joust.

Scarlet Johansson – You mean I suffered through three months of Woody Allen ogling my ass and Isaac Mizrahi grabbing my tits and I didn’t even get nominated? Damn! Well, at least I look like a pornstar. That should get me some respect.

Hillary Swank – Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And now I’m single. Line it up, boys!

Charlize Theron – Man, what is that thing on my shoulder? Was I high when I picked this dress, or am I just high now? Eh, probably both.

Martin Scorsese – Hey, what do you guys have going on here? Oh, the Oscars? That’s cool. Yeah, I stopped going ten years ago when I realized I’d never win. You reap what you sow. I probably should never of whacked Gil Cates’s wife after I lost out on Goodfellas to Kevin freakin’ Costner! Eh, what can you do?

Lindsay Lohan – It’s five o’clock, did I miss the free coke giveaway?

Harrison Ford – What? They don’t serve alcohol at this thing? Fuck it, I’m going back to my ranch.

Tom Hanks – My hair looks fantastic. So much good product in it. Look at that wave. Two-time Oscar winner, box office champion, and now, hair model. And I don’t at all look like an idiot.

Jake Gyllenhaal – I gotta go kiss some more girls to prove I’m not gay. Where did Hilary Swank go?

Reese Witherspoon – It’s too bad that famous online humorist The Jay doesn’t like me. Maybe If I win the Oscar he’ll finally forgive me for that face I made in Cruel Intentions, and for generally acting snotty and above it all.

Renee Zellweger – I wouldn’t count on it. Trust me, I know.

The Jay – Bitchface is right, sorry. The hate-on continues!

Nicole Kidman – Can someone blink my eyeballs for me? Seriously, I can’t move them. It’s possible I may have botoxed my eyes permanently open. This can’t be good. Well, on the bright side, at least I’m not still married to Tom.

Steven Spielberg – Stop asking me about Indy 4. We’ll make it as soon as Harrison dries out.

Samuel L. Jackson – Next year it’s all me. Best Actor for Snakes on a Muthafuckin’ Plane! Yes I deserve the Oscar and I hope they burn in hell!

Jennifer Garner – That’s Mrs. Affleck if you’re nasty!

Jack Nicholson – You know what? Whatever it says on that envelope, I’m saying something else. Just for funsies. I mean, what are they gonna do? I’m Jack.

Michelle Williams – Let’s see, Pacey fell off the face of the earth, Dawson is stuck doing failed sitcom pilots, Katie got sold into slavery, and I’m here, nominated for an Oscar and married to Heath Ledger. Yeah, we’re gonna call that a win for me. Michelle’s Creek in the house!

Peter Jackson – Walloping wallabies and crickey, you mean you buggers didn’t love me Kong movie? I don’t blimey get it. Should I not have made it three hours? Was that dreadful first hour where you don’t even see Kong too much? Should I have put in some gay hobbit sex just to make it topical? Cause I have me some of that. I got Elijah drunk one night on the set of The Two Towers.

Jennifer Aniston – What? Did you say Brad’s here? Cause I coulda sworn you said Brad’s here. No? Oh, ok. Breath, Jen, just breathe. It’s gonna be ok. He’ll come back. He’ll forget all about that skank Angelina and come back to me, Leathersk-er, I mean, Jennifer.

William H. Macy – Did you see the dick on my wife in her movie? Yeah, that’s right people! I take her home EVERY NIGHT.

Matthew McConaughey – You what I say about the Oscars? I keep getting older, they never nominate me.

Katie Holmes – Please god, somebody just kill him. I had no idea it would be like this. He’s so creepy. If I don’t smile and call him amazing every five minutes he’ll force me spend the night in the Scientology Center. I’m so scared.

Tom Cruise – Woo hoo! Yeah! I’m so in love. She is not at all a beard! Did you see how pregnant I have made her! Woo! Katie, it’s been five minutes. Smile and call me amazing, it’s time for a sound bite and a way heterosexual photo-op kiss. Bend down. Lower…. lower… c’mon, you afraid to ruin your dress? I’m like, 3’4, get on your knees and open wide. I am so not nuts!

Mel Gibson – That ok, cause I am! Go see my psychotic new Mayan adventure movie“Apocalypto”, coming this summer to a theatre near you. Best Picture 2006, here I come! Praise Jesus!

Bangarang!


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