Let’s be real, there are no superheroes in this world. While it would be nice to have some guy in pansy red booties flying around saving babies and trains, it’s just not happening. There will never be a guy in full black latex tooling around New York City in his batmobile (the traffic alone precludes this); there is no blond-haired Adonis who can breath underwater and talk to the fishes (as much as Entourage would have us believe otherwise). Wolverine just does not exist, as much as every woman alive would like him to. No, there are no real superheroes in this world.
What we do have is as close an approximation as we’re going to get: Movie Stars. Movie Stars are the equivalent of superheroes, there pretty, they’re in peak physical condition, they’re charismatic (most of them anyway) and most of all, we idolize them. Sure their heroics are usually reserved for the silver screen, but for most star struck fans, movie stars are mortal gods. The true believers don’t spend much time discerning the difference between saving the world on DVD, and saving it in real life. When Bruce Willis drops the nukes onto the asteroid, or Dennis Quaid walks from Washington D.C. to New York (in 3 days!), or Nic Cage pops green smoke on Alcatraz, some people really believe they are watching the actions of a superhero.
And you know what? Who am I to tell them otherwise? Really, who’s to say that they AREN’T superheroes? That they don’t have powers beyond mortal imagination? If you think about it chances are good that most movie stars do have super powers; the power to charm millions of people, the power to make men fall in love with them, the power to cure all forms of illness ever invented by humans (Thanks Tom!). I know for a fact that some celebrities have, at the very least, suspicious abilities. For example, Reese Witherspoon, who has the ability to annoy me whenever I see watch her movies. Or Sean Connery who has the ability to keep his Scottish accent no matter where his character is from. Or Samuel L. Jackson who commands the F-Bomb with an almost preternaturally high level of difficulty.
In all seriousness, I know Movie Stars don’t REALLY have superpowers. The closest they come is through CGI and make-up. But wouldn’t it be cool if it were true? If CGI didn’t exist and Tobey Maguire really could shoot spider webs out of his wrists? If Will Smith really could fly a fighter jet into an alien mothership and Jeff Goldblum could take down an advanced alien technology with a simple Apple iMac virus? Yes, things would be a lot cooler if celebrities were mutants with superhuman abilities (as opposed to the regular mutants they are now).
And that thought got me wondering, if Movie Stars really DID have superpowers, what would they be? I thought about it for a while, made some wild assumptions and eventually figured it out. Here’s what I came up with:
Morgan Freeman: Superhuman Narrating Abilities
Tom Cruise: Unlimited Scientology Powers (Do not face him in battle, his powers are LIMITLESS!)
Ben Affleck: Critical Praise Repellent (To stop those pesky good reviews.)
Keanu Reeves: Charisma Boost
Colin Farrell: Superhuman Liver Capacity
Nic Cage: Voice Amplification (to combat the mumbles)
Nicole Kidman: Anti-Wrinkle Powers (concentrated in the forehead region)
Vince Vaughn: Rapid Fire Vocal Capabilities (as well as heightened wit)
Jessica Biel: Stronger than ten men.
Jim Carrey: Elasticity
Hilary Swank: Gender-Changing Abilities
George Clooney: Commitment Shield (natch)
Jim Caviezel: Jesus Powers (Rumors confirmed by respected San Diego anchorman Ron Burgundy)
Sylvester Stallone: Gravity Defying Physique (powers currently fading)
Lindsay Lohan: The ability to turn her crotch into both Fire AND Ice, depending on the situation (or her mood).
Jessica Alba: Can turn pre-pubescent boys into mush.
Sean Connery: Superhumanly Cool Accent
Cameron Diaz: Magical Swirling Ass (Must be contained for fear of inciting Global Thermo-Nuclear War.)
Hayden Christensen: Franchise-killing powers
Diane Lane: Alien beauty that improves with age.
Russell Crowe: Can throw a cell phone faster than a speeding bullet; can also unleash hell on command.
Vin Diesel: Can walk backwards into shadow better than any man on Earth.
Drew Barrymore: Vocal lisp doubles as an all-powerful cuteness generator.
Hilary Duff: Super-Strong Teeth (Attained by accident through an incident involving nuclear waste, a bottle of white-out and an ill-advised horse-tipping.)
Hugh Jackman: Adamantium Endo-Skeleton, Mutant Healing Powers
Anne Hathaway: Hypnotic Yabbos
Samuel L. Jackson: Bad Mutha Fucka!
Paul Walker: Human Wood-Pencil Sharpener
Jennifer Lopez: Impervious Backside.
Jack Nicholson: No actual powers, he’s just that cool.
Al Pacino: Sub-Sonic Vocal Capabilities (In other words, he can yell really loud.)
Brad Pitt: Armor Abs
Julia Roberts: Mega-Watt Smile, ability to power a city with a single lip curl.
The Rock: Raised eyebrow sends out a debilitating energy pulse.
Donald Trump: “Hair” Doubles as Emergency Follicle Parachute
David Schwimmer: Superhuman Caucasian-ness
Winona Ryder: Thrifty
Uma Thurman: Can perform deadly five point palm-exploding heart technique.
Christopher Walken: Heightened Monologue Performance Powers
Emma Watson: Jailbait
Renee Zellwegger: Impenetrable Scrunchy Face
Angelina Jolie: All-Powerful Lips
Tara Reid: Party Monster
Kate Beckinsale: Looks really good in black leather.
Bruce Willis: Unbreakable; also, Dies Hard; also, is really a ghost.
Katie Holmes: Zombie
Robin Williams: Covered in fur; also super-speed (emphasis on “speed”).
Britney Spears: Parenting Powers
Michael Jackson: Putty Nose conceals secret all-powerful young boy magnet.
Derek Zoolander: Really, really ridiculously good-looking.
Chuck Norris: Unparalleled martial arts abilities; also, his tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
Bangarang!
As always here at The Jay, we like to take the time to honor and celebrate the birth of celebrity off-spring. And there’s no better way to do that then by supposing what some other big name celebrities might be saying to the proud, new parents. Assuming of course that Namibia even has postal service. Or electricity to read the letters once they arrive. Or, you know, if Brad and Angie’s aren’t too busy hiding from lions, or keeping Shiloh away from hungry Hyena’s. Or establishing democracy. Something charitable that Angie loves so much and Brad tolerates because she’s Angelina Jolie. 
Julia Roberts – I wish I had the time to say a few nice words to your new family, but I’m just so busy, what with my blinding success on Broadway. Those Tony Awards commitments are pretty strict. Wait, what, I didn’t get nominated for a Tony Award? And no one is coming to see my show? Not even if I unleash the mega-watt chiclets? And now no one wants me in their movie? Not even Clooney? … well then. Seems I have some time on my hands. Congratulations on the new baby! I hope it’s more of a success than The Mexican. 
Jon Voight – Shiloh, it’s your Grandpa. I don’t think I’ll be seeing you anytime soon, so make Mommy put on the first Tomb Raider movie so you’ll know what I look like. Or turn on any of the talk shows, chances are I’ll be on pimping your birth and trying to get some publicity for myself. I love you, kid, even if your hot Mother doesn’t think so.
Vince Vaughn is arguably the most quotable actor in movie history (with Val Kilmer coming in a close second). In only ten years and fifteen movies (I discount his dramatic movies because, like Rocky 5, they were all a dream and never really happened; especially Domestic Disturbance), he has established himself as the go to star for kick-ass cultural-swinging dialogue. From “You’re so money” to “Earmuffs” to “Lock it up!”, his lines have changed the way we converse, the way we think and the way we speak. He has reached the point in his career where his every line of dialogue is a laugh waiting to happen. Vaughn has garnered such tremendous audience goodwill that as soon as he opens his mouth we are waiting to love what he has to say. No matter if he’s playing a scoundrel (which he was in Wedding Crashers) or a lovable loser (Dodgeball) or even an assassin (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), we cannot help but root for him. When Vince Vaughn speaks, we listen, and we love every word. 
Vince Vaughn On: Getting Lucky (Dodgeball) 
And it’s not just social ills that his quotes can be rallied around. Raising children is an important part of life and Vince is no stranger to Fatherhood. He has spoken out on Family Values on multiple occasions, and those speeches have come to be some of the most influential words of wisdom that this world has ever seen. 
All good languaticians (I just made that word up) know that the specialized words and phrases we make up with our friends are what constitute a real language. Being able to personalize speech and create unique ways of saying ordinary things is what makes a language popular. This is how Vince Vaughnese will truly reach widespread, global popularity. For instance, if you were proud of your friend and wanted to tell him in a cool way how you feel, you could say: “Good job man, way to go. You’re kicking ass.” but that would still be kind of lame. Let’s see that same phrase in Vince Vaughnese:
VV: “Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.” 
Vince Vaughn On: Excuses (Wedding Crashers) 
I love me some sequels. I love them when they’re done well, I love them when they’re cheesy. Heck, I even love them when they’re downright sacrilegious. There’s just something about the idea of “getting the band back together” that makes me smile. Sometimes it’s because I know the entire cast hates each other, but they all need a hit. Sometimes it’s because I know they all got paid a truckload of money.
But all that is OK by me. I actually enjoy seeing different actors take the reins from the original (better) stars. How much fun was it to see Mila Kunis from That 70’s Show try to approximate Christian Bale in American Psycho 2? It was hilarious. And if you haven’t seen Jay Hernandez try to channel Al Pacino in Carlito’s Way 2, then gosh, I just feel sorry for you. That was like two hours of perfect unintentional comedy. 
Eight More Days A Week
Deep Blue Sea 2: Dolphins Attack!
