Let’s skip the token intro and go straight into the awards. I’m bored of recapping 2006 already, and Jack Nicholson hasn’t even gotten drunk at the Golden Globes yet. So here we go (if you want to read the 2005 awards post, CLICK HERE:
MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR
Borat – Aside from laughing at the Running of the Jews scene, and thoroughly enjoying the naked man fight for reasons totally heterosexual (sweaty flapping balls are just funny, end of story), I was completely underwhelmed. Maybe it was the SoaP-level hype, or the never-ending and completely repetitive talk show appearances (oh look, Borat’s on SNL, and again on The Daily Show. Wait, why is Borat on Hannity & Colmes? Didn’t I just see him on Regis and Kelly?), but I felt like I had seen all that Borat the movie could offer, way before I put ass to cushion. Sure it’s nice to see Pamela Anderson get stuffed into a burlap sack every now and again, but let’s keep a movie like this on the DL next time so I don’t feel like it has to be Blazing Saddles to warrant it’s rep.
MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE(S) OF THE YEAR
M:I-3 – Sure, The Cruiser is batshit crazy, but if you need someone to scale a building or run really fast through a crowded foreign city or be unintentionally funny in a serious scene, who else would you want on the mark? I like this franchise; I like how each film reinvents itself, I like how each director gets to run his own ship, I like that the hotties are getting better and better (the 1-2 punch of Keri Russell and Michelle Monagahan was geekvana to me; it’s like Tom looked deep into my soul and blessed me with his toothy grin and innate ability to cast girls I have a major thing for). I agree that much of the film was derivative and predictable, but 2006 was way-lite on action films and M:i-3 was the best of the bunch. Here’s hoping The Cruiser finds his way back into the Ethan Hunt saddle sometime soon (and casts current TheJay hottie, Hayden Panettiere)
Accepted – If you like your boob shots gratuitous (and who doesn’t), your comedy scattershot and your filmmaking just this side of shoddy, then Accepted is the movie for you. Panned and ignored unjustifiably upon it’s release in August, I eagerly anticipated the DVD and 2nd geared it to the local ‘buster to snag me a copy. And it was exactly what I expected. Never trying to be something it isn’t, Accepted knows it’s a tiny comedy with a few great laughs, a great concept, a likeable cast and a wonderful 80’s-like feel to it. I may want to punch Justin Long every time I see one of those “I’m a Mac” commercials, but he ruled all here. The next Tom Hanks, question mark?
Curious George – If you are under eight years old this movie is utterly mesmerizing. I love the way the film seems like it was animated with a water-color brush. I am eternally grateful the producers refrained from making George talk. I always enjoy a good Jack Johnson melody (UCSB Film Grad shout-out! Go Gauchos!). And for 85 minutes I was entertained about as well as a 25 year-old can be while watching a movie like this. Of all the animated films released this year, Curious George was my favorite.
WORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE
Keira Knightley: Pirates 2 – Will somebody please take the lemon out of her mouth? And Keira, I know that Orlando Bloom is bland (trust me), but can’t you just imagine he’s somebody else? That’s what we do when you’re onscreen. I haven’t seen an actor so be wooden or bored onscreen since Arnold started plotting his gubernatorial campaign during the second act of Collateral Damage.
WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE
Matthew McConaughey: Failure To Launch – Flexing your biceps is not acting. Getting a tan is not acting. Growing ugly facial hair is definitely not acting. And trying to be Wooderson in every goddamn movie is, OH MY GOD, not acting. I know he was acting opposite Sarah Jessica Parker, an actress Matthew Broderick has a hard time getting half-massed over, but that’s no excuse for phoning it in so egregiously. What happened to the guy from A Time To Kill? Or U-571? Or Reign of Fire? Or, jeez, even Two For The Money? When did he start believing the only thing he was good at was wooing shrill blonde women and acting boyish? Somebody needs to slap that boy with a John Sayles DVD.
WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER
The Break-Up – The first film in history to openly campaign for abstinence as a method of protection. I challenge you to find one couple that had sex after seeing this movie? Can’t be done.
THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR
Pick ‘em: Pirates 2, Superman 5, Scary Movie 4, The Santa Clause 3, Big Momma’s House 2, Final Destination 3, The Grudge 2.
And what’s worse, 2007 is the year of the Threequel. I will now watch my copy of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and shake uncontrollably in the fetal position.
MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR
Superman Returns – Superman should never be in a hospital. And he should never be flying into little boys’s rooms in the middle of the night (creepy, that). Somebody please tranq Bryan Singer and tattoo this on his forehead. It will do him a lot of good for the next Supes flick.
MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR
The Da Vinci Code – The winner by process of elimination. If Borat was the most over-rated and Superman Returns the Most Unfortunate Third Act Flop, than Da Vinci, by default, becomes the most disappointing. I never really liked the book (I prefer the prequel, Angels & Demons) and everyone knows my thoughts on The Hair, but I was genuinely optimistic about the movie. I loved the cast, I liked the concept, Ron Howard narrated Arrested Development… Da Vinci Code had a lot going for it. Too bad it also had a stagnant story, no relatable characters, a weak villain, slow pace, awkward acting, bad action and an a-ton load of pre-release hype it would never live up to, going against it. However, despite all that, if Ron drops Tom and casts Russell Crowe and Kate Beckinsale in Angels & Demons, I will be there on opening day.
EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR
Ben Affleck: Hollywoodland – What’s next, Eddie Murphy in a rousing turn as a has-been Motown singer? Oh wait…
WEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR
Jack Black and Kate Winslet – Of all the actors you could think of to woo the beautiful, talented, delightful Brit, would Nacho Libre even fall in the Top 100? 200? Never in eleventy-billion years did I think I’d buy that ship. But lo and behold, it worked. Jables toned down the annoying to School of Rock-like levels, jettisoned his ill-conceived King Kong-style “acting”, gallantly refrained by excessive facial ticks, and actually – GASP – created a character worthy of Kate Winslet. By the end of the movie I was openly rooting for him to make his move. Go Nacho! If only the movie had axed the hair-pullingly awful Diaz-Law hook-up, I might in good conscience be able to recommend it.
THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!
Harrison Ford – I’ve already written about this before, so I won’t belabor the point. I’ll only add this: Harrison may be making sub-par action movies now, and he may only be acting with his index finger, but at least he’s not slumming in crap like Wild Hogs. There’s a reason I named this category for John Travolta. Ford may be over, but he’s drunken star class all the way.
THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD
Miami Vice – No amount of slick suits and perfectly greased Colin Farrell mullet hair can overcome a movie who’s plot prefers slogging in the mud over actual movement. Someone please tell Michael Mann that soft-focus, obtuse editing and vague dialogue do not a good action film make. It may be fun to watch for a bit (or if Tom Cruise is playing a contract killer), but definitely not for three freaking hours!!! And would it have killed Mann to throw in seven or eight more gratuitous boob shots? I don’t ask for much. I sat through Ali three times without once complaining of not seeing Michael Michelle trample her squeaky clean ER image. Throw The Jay a freakin bone! Come on!
THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE
Lady in the Water – Just goes to show you that there’s a fine line between “talented but a little crazy”, and “crazy but a little talented”. Guess which side M. Night Shyamalan falls under?
THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD
Hugh Jackman – An astonishingly Jude Law-ish six major motion pictures in 2006.
When you’re agreeing to play both a dancing penguin and a claymation rat in the same calendar year, me thinks someone is hedging their bets. Didn’t think Brett Ratner could pull X3 off, huh Wolvie? Hugh, my man, you’re always a welcome presence on-screen, but I could have done without you pedophile-ing it up with Scarlet Johansson in Scoop (she’s seventeen years your junior), and then macking down with her again in The Prestige (did I mention she’s 21 and you’re 37?). And stop saying yes to animated movies not made by Pixar. Learn a lesson from fellow aussie Eric Bana (Finding Nemo). And the next time Woody Allen calls, please, for all that is good and pure, let it go to voice mail.
THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT
Eragon – Call me when Dragonheart comes on TNT.
Scary Movie 4 – Call me when Anna Faris decides to get naked in an edgy indie flick for street cred.
Rocky Balboa – Call me if you’re going, because I’ll totally see it again.
BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE
The Donkey Show in Clerks 2. Although the naked fight scene in Borat comes very close.
BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS
Jackass: Number Two – I don’t know what it is about seeing a guy put a fish hook through his cheek and then jump into shark-infested waters that just makes me happy, and frankly, I don’t much care. As long as guys like Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O are willing to do utterly insane things like wrestling an anaconda, getting a beer enema, gluing crabby pubes onto someone’s face, branding Bam’s ass with a penis shape and letting a bull gore their nether regions, I’m a happy camper. And one with a lot of disposable income. Keep ‘em coming boys.
Honorable Mention: Casino Royale – If only Bond Girls were allowed to really show there stuff, this might have leap frogged the Jackass boys. It’s ironic that the film showing guys getting their junk crushed in a funny way beat out the film with a guy getting his junk crushed dramatically. Just goes to show you that a good shot to the nuts is always funny, so long as you’re not strapped naked to a bottomless chair in a dirty seam pipe and getting whipped by a dude named Le Chiffre. Words to live by, that.
BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED
Salma Hayek: Ask the Dust – I can’t believe it took Hollywood this long to get Salma naked. My fellow geeks and I were burning through our slow motion buttons trying to enjoy that split second frame of Salma’s boobnormous Hayek’s in Desperado. This is easily the apex of celebrity nudity in 2006, despite it being in the service of a thunderously crappy movie. Note to the unwatched: Colin Farrell’s dick flops perilously into view several times, nearly destroying any locked-door repeatability of the scene; block it out, focus on Salma’s awesome rocking body, and you and yours will get through this.
Honorary mention: Amy Smart: Crank – A two-time winner in this category, Amy will always have a place in my heart for redeeming the abortion that was Road Trip, for being the only funny thing in Rat Race not named “Seth Green”, for being my favorite of Zach Braff’s never-ending blonde love interests on Scrubs (she was Tasty Coma Wife), and for her apparent willingness to drop a chest bomb on any B-picture that flosses her. Seeing her show up in a movie always puts a hop in my step because there’s a better than average chance she’s doffing her top (and doing it with a smile). Gotta love Amy Smart.
BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF
Just My Luck – I wouldn’t have a job if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so wonderfully self-destructive. Her whore-ositude, rampant coke habit and general willingness to anything for press helped generate the type of quality, from-the-gut snark in me not seen since the days of Josh Hartnett as an above the title star. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
THE 2006 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.
Marie Antoinette - Here’s a partial list of things I hate in movies:
- Kirsten Dunst
- Period pieces
- Useless soundtrack songs
- Willowly, passive characters
- Things that are British
- Cameron Diaz
Unless Kirsten really does get her head chopped off, they all jump into a time machine and travel to 2007, hire John Williams to beat the music coordinator with his conductor stick and turn every character American (or at the very least, Southern), I’m not interested.
MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF 2006
THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2006
1. Invincible – Mark Wahlberg’s hugemongous mouth + football = good times.
2. Accepted – See Most Underrated Movie(s) of the Year
3. Snakes on a Plane – It’s seems a cliché at this point, but it was snakes on a freaking plane! For what it was it was great. Boobs, chases, swearing, violent reptiles and Samuel L. Jackson. How could this be anything but a rocking B movie?
4. Crank – Jason Statham + guns x Amy Smart’s chest / by cool concept and cooler style = quality times.
5. Stick It – Anything that even remotely resembles Bring It On is always cool with me. However, those aren’t spirit fingers. THESE are spirit fingers. And these… are GOLD.
Bangarang!
Hosted by The Jay: Monday and Wednesdays, 7-8pm PST!
Tonight marks the end of a show I was once lived and died for. The OC was a series that helped shape my vocabulary (“Ginormous!”), my Wednesday nights (and now Thursdays), my hatred for Mischa Barton, my drink of choice (The 7 and 7, thank you Ryan Atwood), my nighttime locked door viewing choices (thank you, Rachel Bilson), and was the catalyst for my very own Chrismukkah party. 
Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.
Since those glorious bastards at 
