The hope is that reading this list will help you to learn more about Jason Matthews (aka “The Jay’). It shouldn’t be an exercise in bashing my taste. Cause we all like some really bad pop culture (hey Keanu!), and no one should be judged by their guilty pleasures. The idea is not for me to tell you what to like or what you should think. I’m not making a case that my list is any better or valid than any of the other indulgent Best Of The Decade lists (which all suck) that are overloading the Internet right now. I didn’t pick these movies to make you think I’m some cool, with it know-it-all. Frankly, all that doesn’t matter to me.

I’m simply saying, for me, these were the ones that mattered. For whatever it’s worth.

40 – Mean Girls

Was the catalyst for the rise (and fall) of Lindsey Lohan: failed actress, successful tabloid whore, ginger person; introduced the world to Rachel McAdams; tried to make “fetch” happen. This movie had a lot going on.

39 – Collateral

Tom Cruise is more fun to watch as a villain. Consider: Magnolia, Interview with a Vampire, Tropic Thunder, Vanilla Sky. Wait, he wasn’t the villain in Vanilla Sky? But then why was he trying to eat my soul with his mis-aligned upper teeth, serial killer mask and frightening intensity?

38 – High Fidelity

Lloyd Dobler grew up, got way into music and became a manic-depressive. A happy ending? Not quite. But it did result in a smart, hyper-literal movie with Tim Robbins getting a long-deserved beat down, totes supes CZJ side boob, Lisa Bonet singfucking us some Peter Frampton, Jack Black being actually funny instead of the not funny he’s become, the obliges John Cusack standing forlornly in the rain shot and maybe the hottest sex scene of the 2000’s (starring, shocker, Tim Robbins).

37 – Juno

Is it obnoxious writing? Yes. (I considered writing ‘honest to blog there, but didn’t really want to throw up on my keyboard, so you know.) Is Ellen Page too precocious by half? Correct. Is what the movie has to say kinda offensive? Pretty much. But I can’t take away the amazing work done by Jason Bateman, Jen Garner (her scene in the mall is a killer) and Allison Janney. And any movie that makes its male lead a Cross Country and Track star is all right by me.

36 – Old School

“He’s gonna do one!” Nuff said.

35 – Unbreakable

The best comic book origin movie that you didn’t realize was actually a comic book origin movie ever. I miss M. Night’s fastball.

34 – Atonement

If only for the score, the library sex scene and BRIIIIOOOOONNNNYYY! Also? Everything else about this movie.

33 – Moulin Rouge!

I can sing both parts of Elephant Love Medley by heart, nine years later. That has to count for something.

32 – Sideways

I hated this movie for a long, long time. And I can’t forgive the movie for causing a fungal rash of sad bastard men movies to be made (mostly all starring Paul Giamatti or PSH, obvs). But the movie got people into wine, my favorite hobby, and shined a light on Santa Barbara Wine Country, my favorite place in the world. And despite my issues with the story, THIS is amazing writing:

“I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing; how the sun was shining; if it rained. I like to think about all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve, like if I opened a bottle of wine today it would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day, because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is, until it peaks, like your ’61. And then it begins its steady, inevitable decline. …And it tastes so fucking good.”

31 – The Queen

A stunning picture, credits to credits. Gets extra credit for making me want to do to horrifyingly sexual things to a septuagenarian. (What? Helen Mirren is HOT. #fact)

30 – The Bourne Ultimatum

For the Waterloo Station sequence alone.

29 – Mission Impossible 3

Secretly the best action movie of the decade. And easily one of the best action movie teasers of all-time.

28 – Pride and Prejudice

The film that made me turn the corner on Keira Knightley. It’s a beautiful adaptation, has the most sweeping camera work, and the ensemble brings it with powerful yet subtle acting. Loved this movie.

27 – The Perfect Score

A perfect 80’s teen movie, twenty years too late.

26 – The Blind Side

The best movie of 2009. And it’s not even close. Saw it in theaters twice, cried both times. The best work Sandy has ever done, and she’s done a lot of great work. Hollywood doesn’t make movies like this anymore, but they should.

25 – Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Shane Black at his sardonic, quippy, violent action best, RoDoJu bringing the funny, Val tapping into his Real Genius performance, AND Michelle Monaghan topless? How was this movie not a GIANT success?

24 – Zoolander

The movie I have quoted the most this decade. It isn’t a particularly good movie, but there’s not a person I know who doesn’t, every so often, cough lightly in public and say “I have the black lung, pop”.

23 – Taken

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”*

*Gets extra credit for being the only time I went to the Bridge Cinema and didn’t have the worst movie-going experience in my life. What is WRONG with those people? Take your idiot conversations, text messaging and general hooliganery OUT of the theater. There are people trying to watch Liam Neeson kill foreigners here!

22 – The Core

Quite possibly the dumbest disaster movie Hollywood has ever put out, and that includes the one where Dennis Quaid runs away from weather, but I can’t help but love something that knows how stupid it actually is. And I can’t help but be charmed by a movie that has its hero pitch a full-on temper tantrum AT his love interest. That takes balls.

21 – Iron Man

The most fun of any blockbuster in the last ten years. Gets props for casting RoDoJu right off of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, when no one thought he had a Franchise in him. Made Gwyneth Paltrow fun again (no easy feat). And the scene of Stark testing out the flying mechanism in his workshop is an underrated special effects stunner.

20 – Minority Report

If for this scene alone:

You may weep now.

19 – The Aviator

As someone who has fought (and occasionally won) the battle of obsessive-compulsive disorder, I can relate to this film on a molecular level. And I could watch Leonardo dress down Cate Blanchett every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

“Don’t you ever talk talk down to me! You’re a movie star, nothing more!”

18 – No Country For Old Men

Was the Best Picture in the best year for Best Pictures of the decade. And putting this here means I get to link to my Javier Bardem Oscar post, one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. Done!

17 – Ocean’s Eleven

A compulsively watchable flick, the best star cast of the decade, an instant TNT New Classic and just plain, good old-fashioned fun. Brad Pitt eating in every scene, the wink wink lame ‘happily ever after’ kiss at the end, Julia emailing in her performance, “Whisky and a whisky”, the all of the everything that is Topher Grace and Matt Damon FINALLY making me like him (if not so much his pig nose).

16 – Catch Me If You Can

Some of the best work Spielberg has done in two decades, and it all feels tossed off, making me love it all the more. Haunting, genuine work by Christopher Walken (not easy at this point, if you think about it), the best knock knock joke ever, a game Tom Hanks, my favorite opening credits of the decade and Leo being Leo. There’s something about D-Cap’s work in the 2000’s that hit me hard. He played guys missing answers and trying desperately to find them, which I heart. You’ll notice that starts to be a recurring theme from here on out.

15 – Punch Drunk Love

A mesmerizing movie, if only for the pillow talk.

14 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

The schadenfreude alone qualifies the movie for Best Ever status. Smith has no business being good, considering its troubled production, and the fact that the movie could have just put a close up on Brangelina’s faces for two hours and called it a day and we would have ate it up, and yet it is. Very good, in fact. The Brad on Angelina fight was fantastic, the freeway gunfight with Truths Revealed sequence was electrifying (“Art?” “History! It’s reputable.”), Vince Vaughn was stellar, Adam Brody got beat up (counts for a LOT), and I can’t get enough of Brad telling Angelina she “looked like Christmas morning”. I’m on Team Aniston, for the real, but this movie almost makes up for her trauma.

13 – Bring It On

The Citizen Kane of cheerleader movies. Also, the only movie Kirsten Dunst has EVER been likable in. And, um, hello, Eliza Dushku in a bikini, washing cars. My work here is done.

12 – Kill Bill ½

Part 1 is ultra-badass, Part 2 is exhilarating filmmaking. Would rank higher if QT had taken out the anime sequence (not interested, thanks), reduced the time Uma was trapped in a coffin (my greatest fear), and eased back on the foot fetish. We get it, Uma has great toes! Can we get back to the swords and exploitation now?

11 – The Notebook

I get that I’m a guy and therefore shouldn’t have this on my list. But you can’t tell me this wasn’t a seminal movie of the decade. That it didn’t change things. You can’t. Gosling and McAdams were the most watchable lovers in any movie of the last ten years. Period. I loved this movie the first time I saw it, and when I rewatched it again for this list, you know what I found out about my love for it? It wasn’t over. It’s still not over!

/makes out with this movie in the rain

10 – X-Men

I saw this movie in theaters five times, maybe the most I have ever seen any movie in the theaters. The movie is not without issues: the ending is small, Halle Berry is atrocious, Anna Paquin makes me Ralph and the pace is like an injured turtle. But man alive, Hugh Jackman’s arms. Hugh freaking Jackman’s. Arms.

Please excuse me while I go do 150 push-ups.

9 – Garden State

I make no apologies for this movie. It’s trendy to bash Garden State because of the weak, cliché writing, but you know what all you people? Go fuck yourself. This movie is GREAT. The Coldplay, the slow motion zooms, the WIDE establishing shots, the Natalie Portman, what’s not to like? Guys ding this movie unfairly because they are jealous Zach Braff got to make out with Natalie Portman in the rain, which is (not so) secretly our greatest wish in life. But we need to get over ourselves. And wannabe filmmakers hate this movie because they believe they could do it better. But if they could, they would, and they haven’t. Braff may be a King Douche, but he gets credit for doing it. And the doing is the whole point.

8 – The Royal Tenenbaums

Wes Anderson, irritating storytelling warts and all, is a singular voice in American filmmaking. This is his best work, and it’s not even close.

“The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. “Vámonos, amigos,” he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.”

7 – Wedding Crashers

Any film that opens with a ten minute montage of partying, bare boobs, cake and great dialogue, and then gives us Walken being an oddball, McAdams being luminous, Jane Seymour MILF-ing it up, Bradley Cooper playing a character named Sack Lodge, and the everything of the all that is the stage-5 clinger Isla Fisher, with a truly hilarious Will Ferrell cameo to boot, automatically makes me Top Movies of the Decade list. Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just obey them. So no excuses, play like a champion.

6 – Anchorman

I submit to you the following:

Any questions?

5. Brick

It could be the dialogue. It could be the style. It could be the camera work. It could be the score. But really, it’s about the journey. Of a guy looking for answers. A guy who refuses to just leave it be. A guy who needs to know. And who pays the price for that information.

4 – Harry Potter 3 and 5

Parts one and two are kids movies. Four is easy to digest mainstream snore. Six is too insular for its own good. But 3 and 5, Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix? They’re about something. They have something to say. They are filmmaking of the highest order. Two harsh, magnificent, brutal chapters in the life of a tragic boy, who wants nothing more than to be normal, happy and loved, and continues to suffer for wanting those things and having the gall to ask for them.

It’s easy to write this franchise off because of its popularity, but never forget that this is a story of a boy whose parents were murdered, a boy being hunted down every moment of his life, a boy with the literal world on his shoulders, a boy who can relate to no one, but who never backs down for a fight and will stop at nothing to protect those he cares about, even if it means dying. Let’s see Team Bella do that.

3 – Spartan

I’m a doer. I see a job that needs to get done, I do it. No complaints, no questions. I will go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen. Spartan is a movie made for people like me. Gripping, intense, honorable and the best Mamet dialogue an aspiring playwright could ask for.

And if you ever wanted to pull life advice from a movie, this is the movie to do it.

“You had your whole life to prepare for this moment. Why aren’t you ready?”

“The hardest thing, y’know what it is? It isn’t going in the door, it’s coming out.”

“Why would I want to know? I ain’t a planner, I ain’t a thinker. I never wanted to be. You got to set your motherfucker to receive. Listen to me. They don’t go through the door, we don’t ask why. That’s not a cost, it’s benefit. Because we get to travel light. They tell me where to go. Tell me what to do when I get there.”

2 – The 25th Hour

I tend to respond the most to movies about conflicted characters reflecting on their past, trying to figure out where things went wrong, and considering how to fix it going forward. This is the finest version of that story.

I dream of writing something as beautiful as the last ten minutes:

1 – Before Sunset

I look at my Top Ten and I see a pattern. And the pattern is me. We love movies for all sorts of reasons, but the ones that matter to us, tend to matter for one specific reason. Their story, in a fashion, is our story.

I started this decade as a freshman in College. All optimism, energy and naïveté. I was a hopeless romantic, with not an ounce of practicality. I had done nothing, but believed I felt everything. I end this decade a professional. I am hardened, realistic, unlike that 18 year-old boy in every way. I spent ten years searching for answers. Trying to discover the right path to happiness. And I haven’t found it yet. But I can look back, see the course of my life and understand how things fit. Why they went the way they did. Why I am here, in this place, in this moment, today. Which is good.

But that doesn’t mean I like it. And it doesn’t mean I accept it.

Before Sunset is that story. Tracking your life across a long span, deciphering the choices made, from love to career to everything else. Seeing so clearly how it all went down, but being powerless to alter things for the better. And then, in the most perfect cinematic way, two people are given a second chance. They are given an opportunity to get it right, this time, knowing now what they wish they knew then. And it’s on them to make it happen.

Before Sunset is an escape in the best way possible. It’s fun imagining I’m Neo or Riggs or John McClane or the guys from Wedding Crashers, shooting guns, being a hero, getting laid, etc. But it’s better, and more fulfilling, to imagine getting that second chance. To imagine saying all the right things in all the right ways to the right person. And hearing them say all the right things back to you.

It’s a movie about hope, the one thing I take with me the most into the new decade. The hope that I will figure it out. The hope that I won’t need that second chance, because when it counts, I will get it right the first time.

Movies are and always have been my education. I learn who I am from what I watch. These 40 movies, more than any others, taught me the most about myself this decade. And I will take the knowledge I have gained into the next decade and try to better myself, little by little, every day.

I am smarter, stronger, kinder, and more able to survive and thrive. What’s the job? Find me. I’ve had my whole life to prepare for this moment.

I am ready.

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

/Conner Oberst emos on the soundtrack

/discerning people not in the need of Xanax immediately roll their eyes

“Why is my life so HARD? I just want to rub my hands across some Damien Rice vinyl records and ruminate on the many ways I can fold my heart. Because I am DEEP.

People just don’t understand the complexities that are me. It’s not easy being Zach Braff. It’s not easy being so CREATIVE.

Let them try and pick which Ryan Adams song goes just perfectly with my psuedo-emotional interpersonal relationship drama. I bet they pick “Everybody Knows”, instead of “Two”, cause they’re stupid. And SHALLOW!

This knit sweater perfectly encapsulates my inner torment at being a misunderstood, famous TV star and Grammy winner. The grey stripes represent my annoyance at having to make out with deliriously hot actresses all the time.

/looks at next episode of Scrubs

Another episode where I get to make out with guest star Keri Russell? Oy, why does this world hate me so much?

It’s sad that no one in this world recognizes my stubble as a mask for my lament of modern love. But I do. Because I (snore) dated Mandy Moore. And I LAMENT things. You don’t know the lamenting I have had to DO. Kissing Natalie Portman in the rain does things to you. Sad things. Things I can only express in a slo-motion montage of people looking wistfully into the middle distance, scored by Rilo Kiley. I hope you never feel that type of sorrowful expression. Because it is PAINFUL.

Money is a crutch that inhibits our personal freedom from mindless materialism. I shop at Banana Republic. But I do it ironically!

My glasses make me INDIE. I look down on KCRW, because I am so INDIE. My INDIE glasses win me Independent Spirit Awards for coming up with brilliant ideas like playing Coldplay’s “Don’t Panic” while I stare blankly into a mirror. My glasses help me FEEL.

The Arcade Fire use too many horns. There, I said it. GOD!

You know, I just want to give the world my talent. To show them what is inside Zach Braff. To give them hope that this world is not so bad if you’re the third-highed paid actor on television. That they too could be like me, if only they were better looking, funnier, and had my winning personality. But alas, I can’t. People just aren’t ready to LISTEN. They aren’t ready to UNDERSTAND.

/Zach’s agent calls

What? They want me to do a threesome scene with Courtney Cox and Sarah Chalke? But they’re really attractive! And I’m getting a raise? UGH! God… you just don’t GET IT!

Sigh… it’s OK, Zach, one day you’ll show them. One day…”

Bangarang!

(Follow me on Twitter @jasonamatthews)

It also perfectly satisfied by neverending need to always be watching a cheesy nighttime soap opera (preferrably of the irascible teen variety). From Beverly Hills, 90210 to Dawson’s Creek to The O.C., I’ve always been able to get my fix for pretty people melodramatically doing melodramatic things while looking and acting pretty. To honor the final episode of my former favorite show (Where have you gone The O.C. Season One, The Jay turns its lonely eyes to you. Ooh Ooh Ooh!), I am attempting my first foray into the potentially unfunny (and overdone) world of liveblogging. Let’s get right to it.

8:58 – Punk off, Rudy Cardenas! My night takes a bittersweet jump-off, as I completely agreed with three of the four people kicked of Idol. Ya’ll probably guessed my thoughts on Rudy. I was put off by Paul Kim since the start; put some shoes on, dork ass. And Nicole Tranquillo sent me to the double bloop faster than a mid-season episode of Smallville. As for Amy Krebs, she will be missed by me if only because she was the spitting image of my ex-girlfriend and I enjoyed how morbidly hilarious it was to “root for my ex” in a national singing competition. Riisa, if you’re reading this, I don’t think you sing like a candle. Simon was wrong about that. If I had to choose, I would say you sing much like an armoire. So to speak.

9:01 – Hello, final episode of The O.C.! I’m rocking the Atwood wifebeater, got my honorary glass of 7 and 7 by my side, and have Death Cab cued up on iTunes. I am officially ready to liveblog.

9:02 – Damn, I’m gonna miss me some Kaitlin Cooper. Summer makes for a hot, trashy Britney-with-hair like lazy girlfriend. I wonder if she’ll be bald by Act 3? This episode is showing some promise.

9:03 – Wait, so it’s six months later and the ENTIRE cast is living in Dr. Roberts’s house? And we don’t get to see any of those wacky sitcom-esque hijinks? Denied!

9:04 – Caaaaaalllllliiiifffooornia!! One last time… my favorite singalong theme song since I used to knock two on the head to start every episode of 90210. Duh nu nu nu, Duh nu nu CHI CHI!

9:05 – Just watched the excorable Wild Hogs TV spot. I will now go burn my copy of Broken Arrow. Ain’t it cool? No, Johnny T, it’s not. It hasn’t been cool in many, many years. Also, go run into some traffic again, Martin Lawrence. How does he keep getting chances? When was the last time he made anyone laugh? I want to punch him in his Shanaynay. And let’s not even go into what the hell Bill Macy is doing here. Let’s just pray he had a surprise mortgage payment or something drastic like that. I just can’t handle Bill Macy slumming.

9:07 – Peter Gallagher’s looking a little paunchy. We’re WAY far from Center Stage right now.

9:08 – One of my favorite ongoing themes of the show was Ryan and Summer never calling each other by their first names. I do that with certain people; very good real world piece of dialogue. Well done, The O.C.

9:10 – Sip.

9:10 – “A buffet of Bullets to love.” That’s the tagline to every third Tera Patrick movie (you could easily replace Tera with Michael Bay if you so desire).

9:12 – Never title your movie anything that even remotely reminds people of a toilet. “Flushed Away”? Don’t make it that easy for the critics. Also, don’t make it shitty. Pun intended… kinda.

9:16 – Are they trying to make us think about how Ho!Yay! Ryan and Seth are supposed to be? I guess I have to respect that they’re showing a healthy homosexual relationship between the guys that own the Berkeley house, but all it really does is point out that Seth is a little… fey?

9:17 – The Bullit is awesome. BANG!

9:18 – Meta jokes about their own cancellation. Fantastic. Don’t remind me I have no teen soap opera to move onto. It’ll just drive me to old Dawson’s Creek reruns on TBS. And nobody wants that.

9:18 – Sip. Sip. Slurp.

9:20 – Taylor gave Summer lye to bath with? Awesome. I am Jack’s TiVo season pass.

9:22 – Julie Cooper has a baby Atwood growing inside of her? If this were two seasons ago I’d be afraid Julie would jump into a ball of fire, Ripley-style. Now? I just shake my head at the plot machinations. Yeah, this show needs to end.

9:24 – Commercials. Trailer for Adam Brody’s attempt to break into movies. Keep trying, Seth. OMG! A bass fish fused itself onto Meg Ryan’s face! Disgrossting.

9:24 – If you had told me when Panic Room came out that the boy/girl trapped in with Jodie Foster would turn into a totally pre-approved hottie, I would have called you crazy. Like Britney taking an umbrella to K-Fed’s car, crazy. And yet, she’s kinda gourmet. I’m looking forward to the Maxim spread this summer.

9:28 – Why does Kelly Rowan look anorexic even when nine months pregnant? I blame Mischa barton for this.

9:29 – Hercules should never be in a suit. That’s like K-Fed holding down a steady job. It’s just not right.

9:30 – Thirty minutes of disgusting godawful teen soap opera left. Time for a refill.

9:32 – What’s the timeline for Autumn Reeser getting her own show? Two months? Next week? I hope her agent works for their 10% this pilot season.

9:33 – “Don’t settle for comfortable.” That’s really good advice. And it came from Julie Cooper. God bless this stupid show.

9:34 – A locket with a picture of Barton in it? If I didn’t loathe that girl to the core, I might have shed a fake tear. Too bad… Also, wouldn’t it have been hilarious if the other side of the locket had a picture of Cisco Adler’s hugemongous junk on it. I would have ruptured a disc laughing at the sight of Mischa getting locket-style tea-bagged on The O.C. finale. I hate missed opportunities.

9:37 – Sex! Break-Ups! Babies! Weddings! The Graduate-ripoffs! This is how a soap opera series finale is done!

9:38 – Julie Cooper is going to be Ryan’s stepmom? Which would make Mischa Barton’s corpse his dead step-sister. Are we sure there’s no way the show can apply for an extension? The CW doesn’t want this show? Who’s running Hollywood, seriously? How is King of Queens on it’s 9th season and we’re losing The O.C. after four years? I blame Mischa Barton.

9:40 – The Cohens are moving to Berkeley! That was predictable like Ross ending up with Rachel, but still just as satisfying. I always approve of shows that end EXACTLY as their fans want it. Now if they’d only have someone cockpunch Seth off a cliff, I’d be calling this the Best. Finale. Ever.

9:41 – Starting to get a little buzzed. Love that 7 and 7.

9:44 – Julie pulled a Kelly Taylor! 90210 and The OC have become one. My head is officially spinning! Where’s Ian Ziering when you really need him?

9:45 – Picture montage. Starting to get a little dusty in The 209.

9:46 – Summer leaving town is a perfect metaphor for this show. Bilson’s the only one that has an actual future, so driving away from these, ahem, “lesser” “stars”, seems apropo. Let’s just hope there aren’t any more The Last Kiss’s anytime soon. And while we’re at it, stuff it Zach Braff!

9:47 – Damn is that Bilson beautiful. Me thinks there is a locked door and a trip to MrSkin.com in my immediate future.

9:50 – Sip. Gulp.

9:51 – Just kiss alread, Ryan and Seth!

9:52 – Just checked… yep, still have my balls. Not a 14 year-old girl yet.

9:52 – Flashback time. I hope we get a good “Welcome to the O.C., bitch” reference.

9:53 – No dice on the choice quote refresh. Ah well… I totally dig that Ryan’s closing out the show. It was always about his journey, not the Cohens. And as much I hated the fact that his scenes meant more Mischa screen-time, I always dug his character and am glad to see the writers give him a proper send-off.

9:55 – Team Julie, indeed.

9:55 – Seth and Summer, man and wife. Cheesy, but awesome.

9:56 – Great way to end the series. Julie finally overcomes her trailer-park roots and graduates college. Kaitlin becomes Lindsay Lohan at the end of Mean Girls. The Coopers are one big Bullit and Frank-included family, the Cohen rents are happy in Berkeley with a beautiful little girl. Seth and Summer are together (and Jewish) for the long haul (L’chaim!). Ryan and Taylor are on their way to coupledom again. And Ryan brings the show full circle to offer help to a mini-Atwood clone. Color The Jay touched. A classy, classy way to end a gloriously trashy TV show. I can’t wait to buy the Season 4 DVD. Which is the best thing I can say about the show, considering how terrible it was for two seasons. If only the quality of it’s first and last season was the quality of it’s second and third. Then we might not be about to say goodbye to the Cohens forever. What might have been… I blame Mischa Barton.

9:56 – The 7 and 7 is gone. Symbolism, much?

9:57 – Goodbye Cohens. Goodbye Chino. Goodbye Bait Shop. Goodbye Summer’s Rage Blackouts. Goodbye Taylor Townsend’s Neverending Nervous Rants. Goodbye Kaitlin’s “Oh, crap!”. Goodbye scheming Julie Cooper. Goodbye shifty, Worst Parent Ever Jimmy Cooper. Goodbye Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle. Goodbye Anna Stern. Goodbye Luke’s gay Dad. Goodbye Peter Gallagher’s luscious Jewish eyebrows. Goodbye Kirstin Cohen’s alcoholism and general gratuitousness. Goodbye clunky dialogue. Goodbye Chrismukkah. Goodbye occasionally cool indie music soundtrack. Goodbye Olivia Wilde as a lesbian. Goodbye Bullit. Goodbye Oliver (and burn in hell). Goodbye rotted, festering corpse of Marissa Cooper. Goodbye unfunny meta jokes. Goodbye Russell Crowe knock-offs. Goodbye to it all.

9:57 – Peace out from The OC, bitch!

9:58 – And now to start my long journey to find the next great teen soap opera. Paging Kevin Williamson…

Bangarang!

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All the best, brightest and most make fun-able celebrities hit the red carpet for the 64th Annual Golden Globes on Monday. As always, I had spies on the scene recording the secret thoughts of the stars. Let’s see out what they had to say.

Sacha Baron Cohen: I swear to G-d I will knife the first sodded person who asks for a high five. Speaking of, where’s that Ryan Seacrest chap.

Patrick Dempsey: How’s my hair?

Jennifer Hudson: And I am telling you… suck my left tit, Bitch-once! American Idol, represent!

Evangeline Lilly: I am so glad I left the hobbit back on the island. Now where’s that McDreamy guy?

Renee Zellweger: Dammit, did I forget to sew my eyes open today? I knew I forgot to do something. Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.

Isaiah Washington: My agent says I need a nicer name for “faggot”, cause all that faggot talk is bad for my nice guy image. So what’s better? Cocksucker? Nah. Dick Licker? Too literal. Pussy Hater? Too negative. Purple-headed Nob Slobber? Yeah, that’s the one. I did not call that faggot T.R. a Purple-Headed Nob Slobber. But I did call Dempsey a pansy. Next question!

George Clooney: Alright Timberlake, here’s the game. First to five starlets wins. And I’ll even give you a two limoncello head start. Ready? Go!

Justin Timberlake: Guess who’s having sex with anyone he wants tonight? This guy!

Cameron Diaz: Cry me a river… cry me a river. Cry me a river, yeah.

Zach Braff: Dammit, I forgot to put on my anti-douche cream. Now I’ll never be able to make out with Jessica Alba and then whine about it on my blog tomorrow. My life sucks. (Cue pompous indie rock song)

Jack Nicholson: What year is it? Seriously, I have no idea. These things all look the same. Maybe I should take my sunglasses off. On second thought, screw that, I’m Jack. I can do whatever I want. And you know what? I’m nailing that Swank person tonight. Is she a boy? Is she a girl? What I’m saying is this: when you’re facing some free ass, what’s the difference?

Geena Davis: Has anyone seen my career? I think I dropped it. It’s about six feet tall, a hundred and forty pounds, used to be the President? Anybody? Please.

Dame Helen Mirren: Oh Streep, I finally have the better of you. Long live the Queen, bitch!

Mel Gibson: The Jews are responsible for all the awards shows in the world. Which is probably why I didn’t get nominated. Oh hey Salma! Say, your sugartits are looking real nice tonight!

Salma Hayek: If you like my Sugar Tits, you should see my Ugly Betty.

Ben Affleck: The name’s Affleck. A-F-F-L-E-C-K. I believe you’ll find I’m on the list. (grins stupidly)

Masi Oka: Golden Globes! Yatta!

The Jay: Stereotypes! Yatta!

Reese Witherspoon: I hope Ryan’s watching. I didn’t work out eight times a week, cut sugar, salt, bread and water from my diet and spray on my human face just to get hit on by Warren Beatty when Annette’s in the bathroom.

Sienna Miller: I am such a train wreck.

Ali Larter: Don’t look at me. My shit’s bangin’ and my show rules! Love and kisses to Jude. Oh wait, forget that…

Patrick Dempsey: Seriously, the hair? Looks good?

Tom Hanks: It looks great. Trust me, I would know.

Patrick Dempsey: I need a mirror! Stat!

Eddie Murphy: Finally, I’m more popular than Charlie. I’m Eddie Murphy, bitch. The Darkness has arrived!

Angelina Jolie: You get one hour Brad, then it’s back to Cambodia. I mean it. The orphaned babies need me.

Brad Pitt: Fine! Can I go play with George now? Pleeeeease?

Angelina Jolie: I miss Billy Bob.

Hugh Grant: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Julianne Moore and Julia Roberts and now I’m trying convincing the world I want to shag Drew Barrymore. Where did it all go wrong?

Drew Barrymore: I can’t believe I started my career nailing Chris O’Donnell and Adam Sandler and now I get to bone Hugh Grant! I must have don’t something right.

Jennifer Lopez: I am still relevant! I’m the face of Latin Entertainment.

America Ferrarra: Sure you are sweetie. Sure you are.

Meryl Streep: Put my Globe in the car, fetch me a martini and get Gyllenhaal boy’s phone number. That’s all.

Hillary Swank: Remember everybody, I’m still a girl. That fact has not changed. And I’m still single. Line it up, boys! Oh, hi Jack! Nice to see you, too…

Bangarang!

Let’s skip the token intro and go straight into the awards. I’m bored of recapping 2006 already, and Jack Nicholson hasn’t even gotten drunk at the Golden Globes yet. So here we go (if you want to read the 2005 awards post, CLICK HERE:

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Borat – Aside from laughing at the Running of the Jews scene, and thoroughly enjoying the naked man fight for reasons totally heterosexual (sweaty flapping balls are just funny, end of story), I was completely underwhelmed. Maybe it was the SoaP-level hype, or the never-ending and completely repetitive talk show appearances (oh look, Borat’s on SNL, and again on The Daily Show. Wait, why is Borat on Hannity & Colmes? Didn’t I just see him on Regis and Kelly?), but I felt like I had seen all that Borat the movie could offer, way before I put ass to cushion. Sure it’s nice to see Pamela Anderson get stuffed into a burlap sack every now and again, but let’s keep a movie like this on the DL next time so I don’t feel like it has to be Blazing Saddles to warrant it’s rep.

MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE(S) OF THE YEAR

M:I-3 – Sure, The Cruiser is batshit crazy, but if you need someone to scale a building or run really fast through a crowded foreign city or be unintentionally funny in a serious scene, who else would you want on the mark? I like this franchise; I like how each film reinvents itself, I like how each director gets to run his own ship, I like that the hotties are getting better and better (the 1-2 punch of Keri Russell and Michelle Monagahan was geekvana to me; it’s like Tom looked deep into my soul and blessed me with his toothy grin and innate ability to cast girls I have a major thing for). I agree that much of the film was derivative and predictable, but 2006 was way-lite on action films and M:i-3 was the best of the bunch. Here’s hoping The Cruiser finds his way back into the Ethan Hunt saddle sometime soon (and casts current TheJay hottie, Hayden Panettiere)

Accepted – If you like your boob shots gratuitous (and who doesn’t), your comedy scattershot and your filmmaking just this side of shoddy, then Accepted is the movie for you. Panned and ignored unjustifiably upon it’s release in August, I eagerly anticipated the DVD and 2nd geared it to the local ‘buster to snag me a copy. And it was exactly what I expected. Never trying to be something it isn’t, Accepted knows it’s a tiny comedy with a few great laughs, a great concept, a likeable cast and a wonderful 80’s-like feel to it. I may want to punch Justin Long every time I see one of those “I’m a Mac” commercials, but he ruled all here. The next Tom Hanks, question mark?

Curious George – If you are under eight years old this movie is utterly mesmerizing. I love the way the film seems like it was animated with a water-color brush. I am eternally grateful the producers refrained from making George talk. I always enjoy a good Jack Johnson melody (UCSB Film Grad shout-out! Go Gauchos!). And for 85 minutes I was entertained about as well as a 25 year-old can be while watching a movie like this. Of all the animated films released this year, Curious George was my favorite.

WORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Keira Knightley: Pirates 2 – Will somebody please take the lemon out of her mouth? And Keira, I know that Orlando Bloom is bland (trust me), but can’t you just imagine he’s somebody else? That’s what we do when you’re onscreen. I haven’t seen an actor so be wooden or bored onscreen since Arnold started plotting his gubernatorial campaign during the second act of Collateral Damage.

WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Matthew McConaughey: Failure To Launch – Flexing your biceps is not acting. Getting a tan is not acting. Growing ugly facial hair is definitely not acting. And trying to be Wooderson in every goddamn movie is, OH MY GOD, not acting. I know he was acting opposite Sarah Jessica Parker, an actress Matthew Broderick has a hard time getting half-massed over, but that’s no excuse for phoning it in so egregiously. What happened to the guy from A Time To Kill? Or U-571? Or Reign of Fire? Or, jeez, even Two For The Money? When did he start believing the only thing he was good at was wooing shrill blonde women and acting boyish? Somebody needs to slap that boy with a John Sayles DVD.

WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER

The Break-Up – The first film in history to openly campaign for abstinence as a method of protection. I challenge you to find one couple that had sex after seeing this movie? Can’t be done.

THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR

Pick ‘em: Pirates 2, Superman 5, Scary Movie 4, The Santa Clause 3, Big Momma’s House 2, Final Destination 3, The Grudge 2.

And what’s worse, 2007 is the year of the Threequel. I will now watch my copy of Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and shake uncontrollably in the fetal position.

MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR

Superman Returns – Superman should never be in a hospital. And he should never be flying into little boys’s rooms in the middle of the night (creepy, that). Somebody please tranq Bryan Singer and tattoo this on his forehead. It will do him a lot of good for the next Supes flick.

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

The Da Vinci Code – The winner by process of elimination. If Borat was the most over-rated and Superman Returns the Most Unfortunate Third Act Flop, than Da Vinci, by default, becomes the most disappointing. I never really liked the book (I prefer the prequel, Angels & Demons) and everyone knows my thoughts on The Hair, but I was genuinely optimistic about the movie. I loved the cast, I liked the concept, Ron Howard narrated Arrested Development… Da Vinci Code had a lot going for it. Too bad it also had a stagnant story, no relatable characters, a weak villain, slow pace, awkward acting, bad action and an a-ton load of pre-release hype it would never live up to, going against it. However, despite all that, if Ron drops Tom and casts Russell Crowe and Kate Beckinsale in Angels & Demons, I will be there on opening day.

EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Ben Affleck: Hollywoodland – What’s next, Eddie Murphy in a rousing turn as a has-been Motown singer? Oh wait…

WEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Jack Black and Kate Winslet – Of all the actors you could think of to woo the beautiful, talented, delightful Brit, would Nacho Libre even fall in the Top 100? 200? Never in eleventy-billion years did I think I’d buy that ship. But lo and behold, it worked. Jables toned down the annoying to School of Rock-like levels, jettisoned his ill-conceived King Kong-style “acting”, gallantly refrained by excessive facial ticks, and actually – GASP – created a character worthy of Kate Winslet. By the end of the movie I was openly rooting for him to make his move. Go Nacho! If only the movie had axed the hair-pullingly awful Diaz-Law hook-up, I might in good conscience be able to recommend it.

THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!

Harrison Ford – I’ve already written about this before, so I won’t belabor the point. I’ll only add this: Harrison may be making sub-par action movies now, and he may only be acting with his index finger, but at least he’s not slumming in crap like Wild Hogs. There’s a reason I named this category for John Travolta. Ford may be over, but he’s drunken star class all the way.

THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD

Miami Vice – No amount of slick suits and perfectly greased Colin Farrell mullet hair can overcome a movie who’s plot prefers slogging in the mud over actual movement. Someone please tell Michael Mann that soft-focus, obtuse editing and vague dialogue do not a good action film make. It may be fun to watch for a bit (or if Tom Cruise is playing a contract killer), but definitely not for three freaking hours!!! And would it have killed Mann to throw in seven or eight more gratuitous boob shots? I don’t ask for much. I sat through Ali three times without once complaining of not seeing Michael Michelle trample her squeaky clean ER image. Throw The Jay a freakin bone! Come on!

THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE

Lady in the Water – Just goes to show you that there’s a fine line between “talented but a little crazy”, and “crazy but a little talented”. Guess which side M. Night Shyamalan falls under?

THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD

Hugh Jackman – An astonishingly Jude Law-ish six major motion pictures in 2006.

When you’re agreeing to play both a dancing penguin and a claymation rat in the same calendar year, me thinks someone is hedging their bets. Didn’t think Brett Ratner could pull X3 off, huh Wolvie? Hugh, my man, you’re always a welcome presence on-screen, but I could have done without you pedophile-ing it up with Scarlet Johansson in Scoop (she’s seventeen years your junior), and then macking down with her again in The Prestige (did I mention she’s 21 and you’re 37?). And stop saying yes to animated movies not made by Pixar. Learn a lesson from fellow aussie Eric Bana (Finding Nemo). And the next time Woody Allen calls, please, for all that is good and pure, let it go to voice mail.

THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT

Eragon – Call me when Dragonheart comes on TNT.

Scary Movie 4 – Call me when Anna Faris decides to get naked in an edgy indie flick for street cred.

Rocky Balboa – Call me if you’re going, because I’ll totally see it again.

BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE

The Donkey Show in Clerks 2. Although the naked fight scene in Borat comes very close.

BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS

Jackass: Number Two – I don’t know what it is about seeing a guy put a fish hook through his cheek and then jump into shark-infested waters that just makes me happy, and frankly, I don’t much care. As long as guys like Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O are willing to do utterly insane things like wrestling an anaconda, getting a beer enema, gluing crabby pubes onto someone’s face, branding Bam’s ass with a penis shape and letting a bull gore their nether regions, I’m a happy camper. And one with a lot of disposable income. Keep ‘em coming boys.

Honorable Mention: Casino Royale – If only Bond Girls were allowed to really show there stuff, this might have leap frogged the Jackass boys. It’s ironic that the film showing guys getting their junk crushed in a funny way beat out the film with a guy getting his junk crushed dramatically. Just goes to show you that a good shot to the nuts is always funny, so long as you’re not strapped naked to a bottomless chair in a dirty seam pipe and getting whipped by a dude named Le Chiffre. Words to live by, that.

BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED

Salma Hayek: Ask the Dust – I can’t believe it took Hollywood this long to get Salma naked. My fellow geeks and I were burning through our slow motion buttons trying to enjoy that split second frame of Salma’s boobnormous Hayek’s in Desperado. This is easily the apex of celebrity nudity in 2006, despite it being in the service of a thunderously crappy movie. Note to the unwatched: Colin Farrell’s dick flops perilously into view several times, nearly destroying any locked-door repeatability of the scene; block it out, focus on Salma’s awesome rocking body, and you and yours will get through this.

Honorary mention: Amy Smart: Crank – A two-time winner in this category, Amy will always have a place in my heart for redeeming the abortion that was Road Trip, for being the only funny thing in Rat Race not named “Seth Green”, for being my favorite of Zach Braff’s never-ending blonde love interests on Scrubs (she was Tasty Coma Wife), and for her apparent willingness to drop a chest bomb on any B-picture that flosses her. Seeing her show up in a movie always puts a hop in my step because there’s a better than average chance she’s doffing her top (and doing it with a smile). Gotta love Amy Smart.

BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF

Just My Luck – I wouldn’t have a job if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so wonderfully self-destructive. Her whore-ositude, rampant coke habit and general willingness to anything for press helped generate the type of quality, from-the-gut snark in me not seen since the days of Josh Hartnett as an above the title star. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

THE 2006 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.

Marie Antoinette - Here’s a partial list of things I hate in movies:

- Kirsten Dunst
- Period pieces
- Useless soundtrack songs
- Willowly, passive characters
- Things that are British
- Cameron Diaz

Unless Kirsten really does get her head chopped off, they all jump into a time machine and travel to 2007, hire John Williams to beat the music coordinator with his conductor stick and turn every character American (or at the very least, Southern), I’m not interested.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF 2006

THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2006

1. Invincible – Mark Wahlberg’s hugemongous mouth + football = good times.

2. Accepted – See Most Underrated Movie(s) of the Year

3. Snakes on a Plane – It’s seems a cliché at this point, but it was snakes on a freaking plane! For what it was it was great. Boobs, chases, swearing, violent reptiles and Samuel L. Jackson. How could this be anything but a rocking B movie?

4. Crank – Jason Statham + guns x Amy Smart’s chest / by cool concept and cooler style = quality times.

5. Stick It – Anything that even remotely resembles Bring It On is always cool with me. However, those aren’t spirit fingers. THESE are spirit fingers. And these… are GOLD.

Bangarang!

Hosted by The Jay: Monday and Wednesdays, 7-8pm PST!

Here are the ten movies I saw in 2006 that were so repugnant, so foul, so sucked-ballsish, and so full-on poopy that I had to single them out for non-praise. May my soulful green eyes never fall on these abominations of cinema ever again.

My Bottom Ten of 2006

1. Firewall – Maybe not the worst movie of the year, but definitely the most heartbreaking. It’s never fun to see a hero degrade, and this film was no exception. Indy 4 should not happen. I repeat, SHOULD NOT. The only thing Harrison Ford should be fighting is his elevated AARP deductibles.

2. Basic Instinct 2– What would you rather see less, Britney Spears naked or Sharon Stone naked? It’s a harder choice than you think.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest – Wooden, overly long, bloated to the gills with excess and surface frills, cloying in a way that no film has been since Oceans Twelve, completely unnecessary and just plain mediocre. And yet it broke box office records. I will now go put on my copy of Brick and shake uncontrollably in the fetal position.

4. Date Movie – The only film that can not be helped by pressing fast forward. Nothing could make this supreme POS end faster.

5. Ultraviolet – The most disappointing film of the year for me, as I love director Kurt Wimmer’s last film, Equilibrium, and because I read the script two years ago and absolutely dug the hell out of it.

6. The Last Kiss – A film that actively tries to break up you and your significant other. If you are currently in a couple I implore you not to watch this. Yes, Rachel Bilson is exceedingly hot. Yes, the soundtrack was good. Yes, the direction was solid and the acting commendable. But no, you are not allowed to see this. Go watch The Break-Up again. At least that film tried to make you laugh a bit (and offered you a soft-focus shot of Jen Aniston’s upper butt).

7. Running Scared – Paul Walker should really stick movies that feature him either riding in cars, snow dogs or Jessica Alba.

8. Lucky Number Slevin – All the goodwill Josh Hartnett generated from killing Alexis Bledel in Sin City is yoinked for making me sit through this strung out collection of nervous filmmaker tics, five years too late Tarantino riffs, and stunt casting that was the opposite of amusing. You know you’ve done something wrong when I’m bored of watching Morgan Freeman, Ben Kingsley and Bruce freaking Willis do their things. That’s a murderer’s row of awesomeness right there, and yet the movie focuses on Josh Hartnett in a bath towel. Seriously, what fourteen year old girl is watching this movie? So why are you pitching to that demographic? Inexplicable.

9. Poseidon – The very definition of studio tripe. Somebody wake me when Josh Lucas does anything at all worthy of his stature.

10. My Super Ex-Girlfriend – Either Quentin Tarantino is more of a genius than we thought, or Uma Thurman is a lot dumber than we think, because no other choice explains her decision to be in this movie. Underwritten, overwrought, poorly directed, shoddily edited, cheapo special effects (the shark throw not withstanding), and the only film so far to ruin the charms of Anna Faris. Oh, and P.S., you suck Luke Wilson. Do some sit-ups, cut your hair and learn to stop mumbling your lines.

Dis-Honorable Mention: When A Stranger Calls, Hostel, A Prairie Home Companion, Underworld: Evolution, Miami Vice, Superman Returns, and Failure To Launch

I’ll post my Top Ten of 2006 next week. I had wanted to post the list before the New Year but I hadn’t seen all the films I wanted to, and didn’t feel right making an incomplete list. However, in the interest of time and significance, I will make a last ditch push this week to try to see as many unseen 2006 movies as I can, so that you, my loyal readers, will have a true and complete list. Because I know how important it is to you all that I join the fat ton legion of online entertainment writers who post a Top Ten of 2006. I have to be a part of that kind of irrelevance.

Here’s what I still have left to see. Anything I should just skip?

World Trade Center, Little Miss Sunshine, Flags of our Fathers, Letters From Iwo Jima, The Black Dahlia, Marie Antionette, Running With Scissors, A Scanner Darkly, Catch A Fire, Fur, A Good Year, Come Early Morning, Happy Feet, Bobby, For Your Consideration, Blood Diamond, Pursuit of Happyness, We Are Marshall, The Good German and Shepherd, Children of Men, Dreamgirls, Notes on a Scandal, Miss Potter and Eragon (just kidding on that last one, I’m not ever seeing that POS)

Wow, that’s a pretty long list. Kinda makes me feel like I haven’t seen anything at all this year. At least I saw Rocky Balboa. Everything else is whatever.

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THINGS I AM DOING THAT ARE COOL AND ARE PROMOTING AND YOU MUST THEREFORE PAY STRICT ATTENTION TO (SERIOUSLY, THIS IS IMPORTANT)

If you haven’t noticed the PopLoad picture ad in the sidebar, now’s the time. Click on it, or on the one to the right, to be taken to the homepage of PopLoad, a live, interactive, streaming internet radio show. It’s produced by NowInLa.com, and those nice people have asked me to host the show. Every Monday and Wednesday from 8-9pm PST you can go to NowInLa.com and hear me expound on TV, stupid celebrities, inane Hollywood decisions and various other totally important areas of pop culture. Not only can you listen to the show online, but you can talk to me on a chat board while I host and post pictures and video. It’s a communal radio experience. Your posted thoughts and pictures and videos affect what we talk about. If I’m on a tangent about La Lohan’s latest coke-induced T-Mobile Sidekick opus, and you drop a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon challenge on the board, I will stop everything to respond to the challenge. If you say something particularly witty I will make notice of it on the air. If you’ve ever wanted to rip me for something I wrote, here’s your chance (hint hint, Orlando Bloom fans). And if you become a great contributor online, I might even ask to interview you live on the air, via-phone.

It’s gonna be a great show and fantastic companion to TheJay.com. I hope you all tune in and I look forward to talking to you on the boards. Thanks for listening.

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THINGS TO LOOK AT THIS WEEK

- I’m glad to live in a world where Conan O’Brien is allowed to give birth to a glorious idea called HornyManatee.com.

- Now this is an Aaron Sorkin show I can REALLY get behind.

- After his full-on tuttleness in The Departed I’ll follow Mark Wahlberg anywhere. This looks like a good place to start.

- This is a really interesting idea. I’ll figure out mine and post it next week.

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THINGS I DON’T KNOW

- I don’t know why all the guests on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson always seem to be great friends with the genial Scottish host (and therefore having much more fun than normally goes on over at Leno or Letterman), but I like it just the same. Back you cheeky monkeys! Hee.

- I’m not entirely sure that Ben Stiller didn’t sell his soul to the comedy devil many years back so that he could hypnotize the world with his ape-like facial features and spastic, wild-eyed neuroses tantrums. And even though I can’t prove it, I think he’s responsible for some evil reverse-karma going around. How else can you explain James Brown dying on the same day that Night at the Museum opened number one at the box office? It was Stiller’s yearly talent sacrifice to the comedy devil. Let’s pray he doesn’t make another Meet the Parents sequel, my Mom would be devastated that he took Rod Stewart before the man could record his eleventy-billionth American rock standards record.

- I can’t quite put my finger on why Dane Cook is so successful, whilst David Cross is still a fringe comedian, but I think it has something to do with the majority of America being supremely stupid.

- I don’t know why I suddenly hate Zach Braff and all that he stands for, but who am I to question my dramatic emotional pop culture mood swings? I think it’s possible he enrages me so much because he makes movies where he gets to make out with the hottest brunettes in show business but spends the other 89 minutes and 24 seconds whining about it. Plus, Best Week Ever totally agrees with me.

- I don’t know why it took me so long to find Arrested Development, but by GOB am I glad I finally did. The Bluth family and their wacky dysfunction cracks my shit up something fierce. Great writing, superb acting (the best cast on television since Seinfeld), and a pitch perfect satire of corporate shenanigans. If Jason Bateman’s new movie didn’t happen to star Zach Braff (who gets to whine about making out with Amanda Peet this time… though he may have a point), I might be inclined to say nice things about it and even shill out the kaysh to see it on the big screen. That’s how loyal I have become to the cast of Arrested Development. I’ve started watching Ellen since she’s currently lady-banging Lindsay Bluth (my favorite part of the show is how dismissive she is with her guests when their interview is over. It’s like you can feel how much she hates being a product shill. Leno could learn a lot from here. Though not the dancing.). AD has even made me a fan of Ron Howard, something A Beautiful Mind tried so hard to stop.

- The show is so good I’m actually sad that I only have five more episodes left to watch in the series. Now I’ll have to go back to watching stupid Scrubs, with stupid Zach Braff (who’s been spending this season whining about being with Elizabeth Banks. Will this guy’s pussiness never cease?). I hate my obsessive need too watch an entire show’s run on DVD in the shortest amount of time possible. Damn my need to finish things!

- Here’s a clip of the greatness of Arrested Development. Cue “The Final Countdown”.

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THINGS I DO FOR MY FRIENDS

- Your welcome, Mike Galvez.

- If anyone has a copy of this poster, my boy Tim will pay real money for it.

- This is what I got my best friend for Hanukkah. Am I a friend, or what? Come On!

- By the way, this is quite possibly the best game ever invented by humans. I implore you to play this game. Not only can you play as Rocky as he fights his way through the series, but you can also play Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang and Ivan Drago in career mode. Apollo sports a hugemongous afro, Clubber fights in the ghetto, and Drago fights in a Russian pipe factory. It. Is. Awesome.

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THINGS I RESOLVE TO DO

Since those glorious bastards at BestWeekEver.tv got there first, I won’t be running my planned “Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions” post. But I do have a few personal pop culture-related resolutions I’d like to share with you.

- I resolve to watch all unseen Steven Spielberg movies. The list includes: Empire of the Sun, 1941, Sugarland Express, and the interminable second half of Amistad.

- I resolve to makes fun of Lindsay Lohan less, and Reese Witherspoon more.

- I resolve to do a panty check before I leave the house, in honor of the patron saint of internet celebrivagitude, Britney Spears.

- I resolve to see 150 movies in theaters this year. And hopefully at least two of them will star the totally tuttle Isla Fisher (a.k.a. the crazy chick from Wedding Crashers)

- I resolve to launch “Movie ObscuriTees”, my long in-development line of pop culture-influenced T-shirts. More on this as the year develops.

- I resolve to watch every episode of Battlestar Galactica. I have never seen even five minutes of one episode, and apparently that makes me an asshole of a geek. So I’m gonna get right on that.

- I resolve to post at least one extended piece on the rise and fall of the mighty (and currently orca fat) Val Kilmer. (who should not, I repeat, NOT, make Real Genius 2. I’m not kidding about this. I will hunt you down and sock you in the nuts if you ruin the legacy of that great 80′s flick. I will be your fucking Huckleberry.)

- I resolve to reduce my MySpace.com time by half.

- I resolve to post a sequel to my Keanu Reeves piece titled “Ben Affleck is NOT a Tool, And I Can Prove It”.

- I resolve to post more, and on time.

… just kidding on that last one. We all know that’s never going to happen.

Happy New Year, everybody! Stick around in 2007, I’m just getting warmed up…

Bangarang!

You see, we like the truth. And we like the humility that stars must show when they tell the truth. Celebrity scandals would flame out much faster if the stars involved just came right out and admitted their involvement. We know (all) celebrities aren’t perfect. You have to be at least 35% crazy just to want to be in the entertainment industry so it’s no surprise when an actor turns out to be nuts and/or violent and/or sexually deviant and/or pure evil (Loved you in Baretta, Robert Blake!). So it’s a surprise to me that more stars don’t go down this road.

Wouldn’t you like La Lohan better if she just admitted to the coke and the anorexia? Wouldn’t you like Colin Farrell better if he just admitted he bangs anyone that so much as blinks at him (male or female)? Wouldn’t you like George Lucas better if he apologized for Jar Jar and the Star Wars prequels? I know I would.

We need to make this happen. We need to force celebrities to confess to their sins and hone up to the truth. And while we attempt to come up with a way to do just that, here’s a sampling of some of the tearful celebrity apologies I’d like to hear most.

Nicole Ritchie: Paris, I’m sorry I invited all your friends over to watch the video of you getting nailed by that greaser. That was wrong of me (but funny). I’m sorry about that one time when you got so drunk you passed out and I tattooed “Skaz” into your upper thigh. That was mean of me (but again, funny). And I’m sorry that I may have given you herpes. That was a weird night for me (this one’s not so funny); it’s confession time: I’m the real Firecrotch. And I’m very contagious.

Brad Pitt: I’m sorry, Jen. I know it was wrong of me to leave you for Angie, but really, do you blame me? That girl’s body is so perfect, I feel like a “3” whenever I’m around her. She may not be as down home as you. She may not smoke two packs a day like you. And she may not let me stay in Malibu instead of trekking all over Africa helping dirty foreign kids like you. But in the end, she’s still Angelina Jolie and you’re still Jennifer Aniston. Really, I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for.

You, Me and Dupree: I’m sorry I ever claimed to be funny. Everyone was telling me how important I was and how Little Man was gonna kick my ass. What else could I do? I caved to movie peer pressure. But I did learn a valuable lesson: Never cast Kate Hudson in a movie that’s supposed to be funny.

Britney Spears: I’m sorry for becoming all trashy, ya’ll. But there’s only so much a person can do deny her true roots. And like my roots, I’m as backwater as they come. Please continue to fantasize about me when I used to be the hottest tits on legs. One day I’ll make it all up to you guys. Maybe a packed hard, laid down wet Playboy spread when I’m 35 and desperate. Will that make it up to y’all?

Harrison Ford: I’d apologize for Firewall and K19 and Six Days, Seven Nights and pretty much my entire career post-1997, but I’ve been drunk pretty much every day since the Air Force One premiere, so screw all of you. I’m rich, I’m grizzled, I’m dating a troll and I’m never making Indiana Jones 4. Now leave me alone! I’ve got to go fly my airplane and sign onto a mediocre action movie.

Jack Nicholson: I’m sorry I’m so “Jack”. There’s not much I can do about it. So get used to it. I’ve been awesome for a long time now. And I’m going to continue to be awesome for the foreseeable future. So I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Go Lakers!

Rachel McAdams: The Jay just told me I don’t have to apologize for anything. He says I’m perfect just the way I am. What a nice guy. I think maybe I’ll break up with Ryan and go challenge The Lady for the The Jay’s honor. Now where did I put those brass knuckles Lindsay gave me on Mean Girls?

Zach Braff: I’m sorry for appearing like I have absolutely zero interest in being on Scrubs anymore. It’s just that I am so damn kick ass now that Garden State did so well at the box office ($24 Million). I am way above this TV crap. Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go cash my latest Chicken Little residual. Humility doesn’t come cheap you know.

The Entire Cast of The O.C. (Minus the non-dearly departed Mischa Barton) : We’re sorry our show sucks now. But hey, at least we killed off Mischa. That’s something, right? Please watch us. It’s so cold here on Fox.

Orlando Bloom: I’m sorry I’m so bland. There really nothing I can do. I’ll try to be more interesting. Maybe I could date Lindsay Lohan? Would that help? If I killed a guy, would that fix the problem? I don’t know. I guess, maybe I could try acting better… wait, hmmm, I may be on to something here.

Colin Farrell: I’m sorry for denying that I ever knew that crazy bitch who attacked me on Leno and who’s suing me right now. It’s not that I lied so much as that I literally cannot tell all my sluts apart. Who can remember anyone’s name when you’re shit faced off of Yeager and Red Bull and four deep in groupies and playboy bunnies? Whoa, what’s that thing on my penis? Eh, doesn’t matter. Ladies, now serving number forty-seven? 47?

Sylvester Stallone: I’m sorry about Rocky 6. Just thought I’d get that out of the way. You know, save me some time.

Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas): I’m sorry I keep claiming I’m not a dude. Sometimes I just forget. Then I scratch my balls and I remember.

Suri Cruise: I’ve sorry I haven’t let any of you see what I look like. It’s not what you think. I’m real. I’m not a pod baby. I don’t have three arms, or six toes or any other weird appendage. It’s just, well… I’m embarrassed by my parents. I don’t want to be the kid on the street that everyone points at and goes “That’s Tom Cruise’s kid. Poor thing…” I don’t need your sympathy, ok? I just need some privacy. If people find out what I look like, I’ll never get a fair share. No guy will ever want to bang me. And the only way I’m getting out of here is if I get knocked up the first chance I get. So don’t you fuckers ruin this for me! Go away, let me do my time and when I’m a pregnant, runaway, heroin junkie at 14, I promise I’ll give you all the interviews and pictures you want.

Haley Joel Osment: I’m sorry I got loaded and crashed my Saturn station wagon (!) into a mailbox. I’ll promptly head to rehab where my publicist can stage my ratings-boosting Primetime Live sobriety now/redemption interview. As it turns out I don’t see dead people, but I do see a stint on The Surreal Life.

Emmanuelle Chriqui: I’m sorry I haven’t gotten more naked on Entourage. I know you’d think that after a bunch of hook up scenes with Nicky Hilton’s little boyfriend, a slew of potential nipple slip-favored shirts and good lord, a freaking threesome, that I’d lose my top just once. But it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ll try to rectify this at the earliest possible chance. Maybe this weekend. Especially if The Piven asks me to. I can’t deny him anything.

George Lucas: I don’t apologize for anything! If you don’t like my movies, don’t watch them, I don’t care, I’ve got billions! And I have the precious original, untouched negatives, and you’ll never get to see them. Ha haha hahaha aha (twirls beard hair like a Bond villain). … I suck.

Tom Cruise: Wooo! Apologize? Don’t be glib. You know Scientologists don’t believe in forgiveness. It goes against Xenuian emotional weakness laws. Wooo! Time to go back to “planning” the wedding. Katie, do you want roses or daffodils? Just kidding! Ha! Like you get a choice in the matter. Silly girl, you fall for that every time.

Lindsay Lohan: I’m sorry to all the teen boys of America who weren’t able to whack off to me in good conscience last year. I’m sorry to all the random guys I’ve hooked up with and never returned their calls (especially the ones that start out “Lindsay, I just got my test results back…”). I’m sorry to all the young girls who used to think I was a role model until I started doing mass amounts of coke and banging all of Paris’s ex-boyfriends. I’m sorry to all the movie studios and production companies who’ve lost money because I didn’t show up for work (Exhaustion is a serious disease, people!). But most of all, I’m sorry to my breasts, who did so much for me and my career, and I repaid them by nearly deflating them for an entire year. Girls, it’s great having you back. I’ll never have you surgically removed again!

Bangarang!