Zach Braff

Last week Newsweek magazine came out with a cover story called “15 People Who Make America Great“. This is all well and good except for one thing: Brad Pitt excluded, I don’t know who the hell any of them are. How exactly do they make America great if the average American (and I proudly consider myself average) has no earthly idea they even exist? As intrigued as I am by the idea that there is an easily corralled group of people that are doing real, altruistic good for this country on a day to day basis, I couldn’t get around the fact that I couldn’t relate to anyone in the group. Not a one of them, Papa Pitt included, affect my life on a day-to-day basis. And further more, none of them affect any type of change that echoes in my personal world.

And then there’s the question of what defines “making America great”. What America are we talking about here? Are we talking about a specific segment of people like the homeless community living in every major city? The GLBT community currently being repressed and marginalized? The affluent white people living in the hilltop mansions in Malibu and the Hamptons? The undereducated Midwest? Or are we talking about all Americans rolled up into one big, multi-cultural, very rank USA Ball? Just how exactly are we defining the America that these 15 people are supposedly improving?

Those two problems have stuck with me since I first read about the article online more than five days ago. Now I’m going to tell you a secret, one that I don’t often like to share because it engenders odd looks in whoever I tell it to. I am apathetic to pretty much anything that doesn’t affect me on a day-to-day basis. I don’t read the newspaper, I get my news from the Daily Show (when I even watch it, which is barely occasionally), I live in LA, which means my world view pretty much begins and ends with US Weekly, and I don’t have an opinion about the war in Iraq. More pointedly, while I have a good friend who is the Associate Producer for the new documentary “Who Killed the Electric Car”, and have another friend who is campaigning to put a Hybrid in every driveway in the country, I desperately want to buy an SVU. And again, I proudly consider myself an average American. So color me surprised that nearly a week later I am left irritated by a self-serving human interest story in a magazine I would never even pick up in a grocery store if it didn’t have an A-List celebrity on the cover.

I spent some time thinking about it and came to a conclusion: I am still bothered by the piece because I do have pride for this country, but that my pride is directly related to the America that I create in my own life. One of the great things about this country is our ability to create the environment we want and to not have to deviate that environment for anything short of an earthquake. Or whatever natural disaster that tends to befall your area of the country. I live in Los Angeles, so my environment is one of entertainment. My brother lives in Boston and goes to a musical school, so his environment is collegiate and musical and he loves it. And on and on. What I’m getting at is that the Newsweek piece is an intriguing concept, but has a misguided execution. They really should have called the piece “15 Random People Who Make America Great”, so as to unify readers behind their selections. But by claiming that these 15 people are THE 15 people for everyone in the country is ignorant and oft putting.

This is a concept that screams for personalization. Which would solve both of the problems I posited earlier. Creating my own list would not only define my personal environment, but also what America I believe in. Those 15 people would be the real “15 People Who Make America Great”, but specifically for me. And not ten minutes after I decided to make the list, I was done. They came so quickly I surprised myself. Merely off the top of my head I was able to name the group of people that most affect my life in a positive way. And that’s when I realized I’m not as apathetic as I thought. I’m just selfish. But that’s OK, because being selfish is a wholly American quality. Told you I was an average American.

So here’s my list of “The 15 People Who Make MY America Great” (in no particular order).

1. Steve Jobs – From the iPod I use to listen to music, to the iBook I’m typing this post on, to the trailers I watch on Quicktime, to the chat program I use to talk to friends, Steve Jobs is responsible, directly or indirectly for all of them. As my friend Tim puts it, he brings large scale technology to the masses, and does it in a positive way. I couldn’t agree more. It also helps his case that he funds Pixar, currently the best production company on the planet. He is also now essentially running Disney, which gives me assurance that the company who owns my childhood may continue to bring joy to kids around the world, for decades to come, instead of continuing to sell corporate greed the way they’ve been doing for the last decade. If I was watching that Pirates of Silicon Valley movie when it first came out I would have so been rooting for Anthony Michael Hall / Bill Gates (and not just because Hall is Farmer Ted). But now, if it showed up on TNT at three in the morning, I’d be all about Noah Wyle.

2. Marc Cuban – Despite knowing nothing about the film industry, having no creative spark of any kind, and being a pretty big blowhard, he is doing more good for the world of entertainment that almost anyone not named George Lucas. He bought the Landmark Cinema chain, and is restoring each theater. As well, he is exhibiting indie movies that would never have gotten theatrical distribution under any circumstances. Through his 2929 Entertainment production label he is funding interesting, experimental cinema like: Goodnight, and Good Luck, Bubble, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, and the underrated John C. Reilly movie Criminal. He is one of the leading proponents of digital cinema. He runs a highly entertaining basketball team. And he’s a complete blowhard. He rules.

3. Reed Hastings – Is on this list for one simple, beautiful reason: He created Netflix.

4. Aaron Sorkin – Beyond creating, writing and producing two of my favorite television shows in the world, his work has most inspired me as a writer. His masterful grasp of dialogue drives me to work harder. And his ability to write complex, adult stories that appeal to people who don’t even understand them (Let’s face it, The West Wing was a pretty Byzantine show even when it was talking about simple stuff.) is a marvel in today’s dumb-down entertainment. But moreover, he’s on my list because for a time in 2000-2001 Sorkin made me care about politics, and take an active interest in the things that were going on around me. I didn’t think I’d like that, but I was wrong. He taught me more about civic duty, domestic policy and the ways and means of modern government than any half rate college course ever could.

And really, how can I not include him when he gave me lines of dialogue like this: “I gotta tell ya, at this point the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.”

5. Jenna Jameson – Brought porn to the mainstream. Runs an excellent MySpace page. Has given me hours of, um, nighttime good times. Was the only reason to see the Howard Stern movie. Did I mention she helped legitimize porn? Which is good if you have a girlfriend and want to keep your, um collection. Who doesn’t love Jenna Jameson?

6. Kevin Smith – For his accessibility and for the way he inspired average slackers to cling to their dreams of becoming filmmakers. For giving us Jay and Silent Bob and for being the real reason Good Will Hunting was made (and subsequently the career of Ben Affleck). For being sharp, smart and funny and making no apologies for it. For Clerks: The Cartoon Series and An Evening With Kevin Smith. For stopping Jon Peters from putting a giant metal spider in the new Superman movie and for refusing to do the new Fletch movie without Jason Lee. Hell, for giving us Jason Lee. He makes me want to be a better writer. And he’s living proof that you can get by on your wits and wit alone.

7. My MySpace Top 12 – This one’s a no-brainer. Everyone should have friends and family on their list of 15 People. Log on to MySpace, bring up my profile and take a look at My Top 12 friends. Those are the immediate people in my life that matter to me and make my America great. My Mom, Dad and brothers are not on MySpace, otherwise they’d be there too. But them, Nina, Andy, Tim, Lena, Dimo, Galvez and all the rest deserve to be on this list. Also, they would have killed me if I put, like, Dan Marino on the list instead of them.

8. Zach Braff – The soundtrack for Garden State alone makes him worthy of this list. But he’s also responsible for the best Natalie Portman role she will ever have. He’s the star of my favorite sitcom (Scrubs). And his next movie looks like a continuation of the themes of Garden State, and not a cheap cash-in he so easily could have done. His career is one I’d like to emulate. Especially the part where he made out with Natalie Portman in the rain.

9. The Gossip Bloggers – They bring joy to my life by taking the joy away from celebrities. I read Defamer, Egotastic and The Superficial every day. They inform me of the goings on of Britney, Paris, TomKat and all the rest, and they remind me that the goal isn’t to be a celebrity, cause those people suck, but to be someone who actually works and does good work. Plus, they show pictures of hot actresses in bikinis. I’m a simple man; it doesn’t take much to make me a happy American man. But Jessica Alba beach pictures will do it.

10. Jon Stewart – I really want to be sincere about putting him on this list, but I just can’t. I watch his show, I learn about current events, but I don’t really care. Secretly, if no one ever read this list, number 10 would actually look like this:

10. Ryan Seacrest – For making it OK for me to like being clean, like wearing clothes that match, like having stuff in my hair, like rocking the three day stubble and like crappy pop music. Sure he may be a national joke, and he certainly isn’t as important a public figure as Jon Stewart, but dammit, he brings me American Idol. At a certain point you have to give up your pretension and just say thank you for that!

11. Tom – He helped create MySpace, which has made communicating with friends and random hot girls so much easier. I have found old friends, reconnected with people I long since wrote off, and read the innermost personal thoughts of people I had no interest in learning more about. I get to see pictures of friends, I get to say I have Jenna Jameson and Kevin Smith as friends, I get to spy on ex-girlfriends and I get to pimp my website. It’s a good service, and if it didn’t exist I don’t know how I’d keep all my friends.

12. Bill Simmons – If there’s one person that has influenced me the most in my career, it would be Bill Simmons. His work as The Sports Guy on Digital City Boston and now on ESPN.com made me realize that I could be successful as a humorist; that I could reach an audience of people who were clamoring for like-minded content. And he also taught me about sports. Which for a guy who has watched fifteen years of football but couldn’t tell you what a 4-3 Defense is to save his life, is definitely a good thing. He got me excited about following baseball and basketball. He taught me how to gamble on Football. He clued me in on how to do Las Vegas the real way (lots of gambling, lots of Jack and Cokes, very little strippers). But mostly he taught me that my voice is all that matters. And that if my voice was strong enough, like James Earl Jones would say, “People will come”. More than 150,000 people have read my work since I launched TheJay.com, and in it’s core form, that accomplishment belongs to Bill Simmons.

13. Tom Cruise – You have to laugh at something, and for me, Tom Cruise is that something. I don’t know why he decided to go off the reservation, but I’m grateful for it. Whenever I start envying those jackass millionaire actors who seemingly have it all, The Cruiser reminds me that they’re all nuts and married to zombies, and I start liking my life a little better. Also Jerry Maguire, Collateral, A Few Good Men, Minority Report and Risky Business kick ass.

14. Lance Armstrong – He’s inspirational in a way that seems completely irrational. No one in this country cared about cycling (even the people who do the sport) until Lance Armstrong lost a ball and started winning the Tour de France. His resiliency and determination to beat his illness has helped people draw strength in their own fights against disease. Also, nailed Sheryl Crow and invented those bracelet. That bracelet that I see on every other person, yet I have no idea to get for myself. And whenever I ask someone, “Hey, where’d you get the Livestrong bracelet?”, none of them can tell me. It’s the strangest phenomenon. It’s as if Armstrong created the little yellow rubber thing, flew up into the atmosphere like Superman, dropped a half ton of them and people started finding them in the street. It’s inexplicable, but then again, so is finding inspiration in a guy that rides a bicycle (and wasn’t in the movie Rad).

15. Steven Spielberg – Aside from creating the childhood fantasies of 80% of the kids in the 80’s, he also grows a sweet beard. Aside from continuing to further the technological advancement of film and digital cinema, he also makes small, non-CGI based personal movies. Aside from all the charities he donates to, he also has adopted five children, all from impoverished areas (suck on that Brangelina!). And aside from the fact that he is our greatest living movie director, he’s also apparently a heck of a nice guy. And seriously, he’s Steven freaking Spielberg. If he doesn’t make mine and everyone else’s America great, then I don’t know how does.

Bangarang!

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