Vince Vaughn is arguably the most quotable actor in movie history (with Val Kilmer coming in a close second). In only ten years and fifteen movies (I discount his dramatic movies because, like Rocky 5, they were all a dream and never really happened; especially Domestic Disturbance), he has established himself as the go to star for kick-ass cultural-swinging dialogue. From “You’re so money” to “Earmuffs” to “Lock it up!”, his lines have changed the way we converse, the way we think and the way we speak. He has reached the point in his career where his every line of dialogue is a laugh waiting to happen. Vaughn has garnered such tremendous audience goodwill that as soon as he opens his mouth we are waiting to love what he has to say. No matter if he’s playing a scoundrel (which he was in Wedding Crashers) or a lovable loser (Dodgeball) or even an assassin (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), we cannot help but root for him. When Vince Vaughn speaks, we listen, and we love every word.

It’s almost as if he’s created a new language, one defined by witty quips and cutting rejoinders. Think about this for a second, if you had to create a new language, one that would be accepted across the globe and universally recognized, what would it be? It would be movie quotes. Everyone loves them, there isn’t a person alive that hasn’t adopted a movie line into their own speech (Mine is “You’re killing me Smalls”, and if you don’t know where that’s from than I suggest you press the little red “X” at the top of the window, because you don’t belong here.), and if everyone started talking in movie quotes, the world would be a funnier, more dramatic and more romantic place to live.

Like the English language deriving mostly from Latin, our new movie quote language has to start somewhere. If I were to choose, I would want our Latin to be Vince Vaughn. He’s the only actor alive whose quotes can be used for all spectrums of speech, and are widely recognized as some of the funniest, smartest and coolest in movie history. His quotes would and should be the basis for our new language. Let’s take a look at how we will develop our new movie quote language, Vince Vaughnese.

Most people think his quotes are primarily about scoring chicks, and that’s almost fair. After all, he is the man that brought us these gems:

Vince Vaughn On: Honesty (Swingers)

“There’s nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you’re money and that you want to party.”

Vince Vaughn On: Playing The Odds (Old School)

“Well why don’t you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Lucky (Dodgeball)

VV: “There’s someone out there for everybody.”

Owen: “You think?”

VV: “Absolutely. In some cases, there’s two somebody’s for one person. I like to call that “the jackpot”.”

But look past his “Trent from Swingers” personality and you’ll see that the man is a treasure trove for lines about how the world could be made into a better place to live. Take for instance his stance on some of the major social and political problems plaguing the world today.

Vince Vaughn On: Gun Control (Swingers)

“People get carjacked.”

VV: “Who’s gonna carjack your fuckin’ K-Car? He’s right Sue you don’t need to carry a gat!”

Vince Vaughn On: Breaking Stereotypes (Wedding Crashers)

Owen Wilson: “Don’t waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.”

VV: “Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.”

Vince Vaughn On: Exploration (Old School)

“Well, Columbus wasn’t looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.”

Vince Vaughn On: Spirituality (Wedding Crashers)

VV: “Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?”

Gloria Cleary: “What?”

VV: “That we’re all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I’m one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from ‘What’s Happening,’ the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We’re all one.”

Vince Vaughn On: Acceptance (Be Cool)

“I’m just sayin’ if that’s what this is gonna be, it’s gonna be that.”

Truly, Vince Vaughn is a man who believes in a better world, and our new language should respect his beliefs.

And it’s not just social ills that his quotes can be rallied around. Raising children is an important part of life and Vince is no stranger to Fatherhood. He has spoken out on Family Values on multiple occasions, and those speeches have come to be some of the most influential words of wisdom that this world has ever seen.

Vince Vaughn On: Parenting (Swingers)

“Our baby’s all grown up.”

Vince Vaughn On: Marriage (Old School)

“Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.”

Vince Vaughn On: Bad Language (Old School)

Luke Wilson: “I’ve had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.”

VV: “Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say “earmuffs” to him, and you can say anything, “Fuck, shit, bitch.”

Vince Vaughn On: Family Life (Old School)

“I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?”

Vince Vaughn On: Having Your Mom’s Back (Anchorman)

Champ Kind: “I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!”

VV: “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!”

So we’ve seen that Vince Vaughnese covers Family Life, Socio-political issues and Chicks, but it goes even further still beyond those areas. After doing some research on the subject I have found that Vince’s words can extend to the field of sports:

Vince Vaughn On: Physical Skills (Wedding Crashers)

“You and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer!”

Vince Vaughn On: Knowing Your Own Skills (Wedding Crashers)

“John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I’ll make it rain out here.”

Vince Vaughn On: Water Sports (Wedding Crashers)

“Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What’d you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes sputtering motorboat noise] You motor boating son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?”

His words can extend to the field of Physical Development:

Vince Vaughn On: Death (Old School)

“Don’t beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It’s not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That’s what old people do. They die.”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Older (Be Cool)

“Nice ass won’t get you through your whole life. Once you turn thirty you better have a personality.”

Vince Vaughn On: Body Art (Wedding Crashers)

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.”

And the field of Business:

Vince Vaughn On: The Entertainment Industry (Swingers)

“Everybody steals from everybody, that’s Hollywood.”

Vince Vaughn On: Business Tactics (Old School)

“He’s playing hardball. And I got to admit. I’m impressed.”

Vince Vaughn On: Party Planning (Made)

“Here’s what I’m gonna ask of you… We’re going to be spending the night in New York, so it worked out well for all of us. I want you to take it back to the business class, I want you to round up a couple of honeys… At our hotel room we’re gonna have kind of a pool party. California gangster-style, you know what I mean? Kick ass pool party thing.”

But who are we kidding? The basis of any new language is not how we speak about the challenges we face in our daily lives, but in the way we communicate we each other. The way we talk to our friends; the way we treat other people. Even before the birth of Vince Vaughenese, the traditional English language was adopting his quotes to use as definitions for friendship and communication. You in fact may have used one or two in the past. These quotes were the main arbiter in the birth of Vince’s language, the catalyst for the need of a Vince-specific method of speaking, and most of all, why we think he’s so goddamn funny.

Vince Vaughn On: Helping Friends (Wedding Crashers)

“A friend in need is a pest.”

Vince Vaughn On: Being a Good Wingman (Swingers)

“Look at this, OK? I want you to remember this face. This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.”

Vince Vaughn On: Giving A Friend Some Confidence (Swingers)

“I don’t want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone’s really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you’re not sure whether or not you like yet. You’re not sure where he’s coming from. Okay? You’re a bad man. You’re a bad man, Mikey. You’re a bad man, bad man.”

Vince Vaughn On: Betrayal (Wedding Crashers)

“I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!”

All good languaticians (I just made that word up) know that the specialized words and phrases we make up with our friends are what constitute a real language. Being able to personalize speech and create unique ways of saying ordinary things is what makes a language popular. This is how Vince Vaughnese will truly reach widespread, global popularity. For instance, if you were proud of your friend and wanted to tell him in a cool way how you feel, you could say: “Good job man, way to go. You’re kicking ass.” but that would still be kind of lame. Let’s see that same phrase in Vince Vaughnese:

Vince Vaughn On: Compliments (Swingers)

“You’re so money and you don’t even know it!”

And if you were at a party and somebody asked what you did for a living, you could give some boring answer like “Hi, I’m The Jay, I’m a stock broker”. But c’mon, really, wouldn’t the conversation be so much more fun if you used a Vince Vaughnese-ism, instead?

Vince Vaughn On: Being Who You Are (Clay Pigeons)

“I’m Lester. Lester the uh, molester.”

Moving to the most important part of language, communicating with the opposite sex, we find that this is the area Vince Vaughnese-ism excels at the most. It’s fairly common knowledge that in the last decade Vince has redefined the dating scene and male/female relationships. From changing the time men take to call women (“Six days‿), to what men call women (“beautiful babies”) to even where men go to find women (“All right, all right I’ll ask her. Miss, miss! Do you know where the high school girls hang out around here?”), Vince’s relationship-based movie quotes have established a new set of rules, one’s that will make Vince Vaughnese the linguistic touchstone for which all twenty-something’s will go to pray. Let’s take a lesson from some more of Vince’s views on sex, dating and relationships.

Vince Vaughn On: The Secrets of Flirting (Swingers)

“All I do is stare at their mouths and wrinkle my nose, and I turn out to be a sweetheart.”

Vince Vaughn On: Respecting Women (Made)

“Here’s 50 bucks, take this in case I get drunk and call you a bitch later.”

Vince Vaughn On: Enjoying the Nightlife (Wedding Crashers)

“Go out there and get some strange ass!”

Vince Vaughn On: Getting Over A Breakup (Wedding Crashers)

“She hasn’t answered your calls, she didn’t respond to any of your letters, she didn’t respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. ‘Cause she didn’t keep it, and I know you’re not raising the goddamn thing. I think it’s very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you anymore.”

Vince Vaughn On: Obsession (Wedding Crashers)

“I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.”

Vince Vaughn On: Dating (Wedding Crashers)

VV: “Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”

So now you can see that the language of Vince Vaughnese successfully covers all aspects of life, and if used in conversation can make you smarter, wiser, funnier, more confident and just plain cooler. But let’s ask one final question to determine if Vince Vaughn is truly worthy of naming and conceiving a language around. Does it make you a better person? In English I could describe myself in a multitude of ways, all designed to make me feel better about who I am, and more attractive to other people. Can I do that in Vince Vaughnese? Let’s find out…

Vince Vaughn On: Goals (Dodgeball)

“I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya… it feels phenomenal.”

Vince Vaughn On: Discipline (Wedding Crashers)

“Lock it up!”

Vince Vaughn On: Pessimism (Wedding Crashers)

“Please don’t take a turn to negative town.”

Vince Vaughn On: Labels (Wedding Crashers)

“I’m a cocksman!”

Vince Vaughn On: Standing Your Ground (Wedding Crashers)

Owen Wilson: “He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!”

VV: “Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!”

Vince Vaughn On: Excuses (Wedding Crashers)

“Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!”

I think we can put that question to rest. Truly, the language of Vince Vaughnese can do anything. It can help you find a boyfriend or girlfriend, it can help you raise a family, it can help you live your life smarter and come to accept the course of human events. It can get you laid. It’s the perfect language. In a world where movie quotes are the new social currency, Vince Vaughnese is the Benjamin, the high water mark, the only language you wanna speak. Besides, wouldn’t you rather sound like Vince Vaughn than just about anyone else?

It’s All Deadly!

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Last Thursday, millions of The OC fans, thousands of Mischa Barton haters, hundreds of snarky entertainment blogs and a handful of Access Hollywood loyalists were stunned when the TV “newsmagazine” stupidly e-mailed out a press release mid-way through the day detailing the spoiler death of Mischa Barton’s insufferable Marissa Cooper on that evening’s season finale. Here’s what the e-mail subject line said:

ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.‿ DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS

The blogosphere couldn’t decide whom to hate more, Access Hollywood for blatantly ruining the big finale twist, or Mischa Barton for agreeing to dish the news. Even though she had been trying desperately to get canned from the show, no one could believe that she would actually stoop to the level of undercutting the show itself.

Let’s face it, The OC has been suffering for going on two seasons now. Horrible narrative arcs, badly drawn new characters, stranded story lines and the complete obliteration of the once geeky cool Seth Cohen, all contributed to turning the show from the rightful heir to the thrown of cheesy primetime melodramas (passed down from the ages by Dallas, 90210, Melrose Place, and Dawson’s Creek), to a pathetic mess that TRL-screaming teenage girls would run from. It desperately needed an injection of life to close the season and get people interested in coming back for the Fall. What better way to get one than by killing off a main character.

And if someone had to go, I would bet the cast and crew were in agreement that Mischa Barton was the perfect candidate. Rachel Bilson has become the better actress and the hotter property, and Mischa has turned into a complaining, incessantly late, poorly prepared pain in the ass. Absolutely no one wanted to see her and Ryan keep going at it, and since they ran off Olivia Wilde, Mischa wasn’t gonna go back to the pink. She had nothing else to do on the show, and it was the right choice to kill her off. Too bad Mischa lacked the good grace to let the show deliver its big secret and wow its audience.

She sucks for what she did, but the bigger blame should be placed on Access Hollywood. This went beyond bad form; they blatantly broke the rules of proper journalism by reporting on news that had not happened yet. It’s unethical to report events that the public has not bared witness to. And moreover, things like season finale spoilers mean a lot to a lot of people, and to have those spoilers revealed without given the choice to decide whether or not to hear them, cheats the viewers out of the viewing experience they deserve. Akin to critics revealing The Crying Game secret, or as Gawker pointed out, TIME Magazine spoiling the twist in Million Dollar Baby, Access Hollywood had no regard for the work of the production and creative team behind The OC, or for fans of the show.

It would have been one thing had they teased a potential spoiler earlier in the day, and then revealed the spoiler during their airtime, for it’s likely not a lot of OC fans would be watching, and would be blissfully unaware that AH and Mischa had taken a crap on The OC. But issuing a press release in the middle of the day made it news, so it was inevitable that the bloggers would pick it up, and that the major media outlets would soon follow. By the time the show aired in the east you would have been hard pressed to find anyone that hadn’t been spoiled. Even for a tabloid show, this was low. Hell, even E! News Live would have shown enough restraint to wait for the show to air on the East Coast (West Coast gets no respect. No Respect!).

So this pretty much sets the bar for etiquette and journalistic integrity in not only Access Hollywood, but in any tabloid, whether it be print or media. It’s a season finale spoiler today, a Blockbuster movie spoiler tomorrow, soon anyone that walks by a magazine rack or turns on their TV will be unable to avoid getting their entertainment ruined. That day will come. But until then, we have Access Hollywood, working overtime to spoil pop culture for those care about it.

And they won’t stop just because a few blogs got made at them for ruining The OC. Their days of rude, early spoilers will continue. It doesn’t seem even so far-fetched that one day soon you may open up your e-mail to find an Access Hollywood Press Release with these news bites in the subject line.

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JUST MY LUCK STAR LINDSAY LOHAN REVEALS SHE DOES NOT HAVE A FIRECROTCH, BUT IN REALITY AN ALL-POWERFUL ICECROTCH, AND LETS US IN ON HER PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRUCE WILLIS CONFIRMS HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY DIE IN THE UPCOMING SEQUEL DIE HARD 4, AND REVEALS WHAT TOUPEES HE’LL BE USING IN THE FUTURE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID SPADE CONFIRMS THAT HE AND HEATHER LOCKLEAR ARE NOT IN FACT DATING, BUT THAT THE RUMOR STILL “KICKS A WHOLE LOT OF ASS‿, SPADE ALSO REVEALS THE PLOT BEHIND THE EAGERLY ANTICIPATED SEQUEL TO BENCHWARMERS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DA VINCI CODE STAR TOM HANKS CONFIRMS THAT HIS HAIR IS ACTUALLY A PREVIOUSLY EXTINCT FORM OF SEWER RAT, AND CONFIRMS HIS PLANS TO OPEN A CONSERVATORY TO SHELTER AND BREED THE ANIMAL
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SAMUEL L. JACKSON REVEALS THE SHOCKER THAT THE MUTHAFUCKIN SNAKES ACTUALLY GET OFF THE MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE IN HIS NEW FILM “SNAKES ON A PLANE”
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE JAY CONFIRMS THAT HE NOW DEFINITIVELY LIKES RENEE ZELLWEGER, AND REVEALS PLANS TO CONTINUE HIS HATERATION ON GREASE REESE WITHERSPOON
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DOMINIC MONAGHAN CONFIRMS HE WILL NOT DIE IN THE SEASON FINALE OF LOST, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL CONTINUE TO SUCK ON THE SHOW FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: WILMER VALDERRAMMA CONFIRMS THAT THE ICECROTCH IS AS DEADLY AS REPORTED AND NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH, AND REVEALS THAT MANDY MOORE ACTUALLY HAS A CANDYCROTCH FILLED WITH GRANULATED SUGAR
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JOHHNY DEPP CONFIRMS THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS NAME TO JOHN DEPP, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO NO LONGER BE THE COOLEST GUY OVER 40 STILL NAMED JOHNNY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HARRISON FORD CONFIRMS THAT HE’LL HAVE A LOVE INTEREST IN THE NEXT INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AND REVEALS THE LOVE INTEREST WILL BE A HANDLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN PRIVATE STOCK AND THAT THERE’LL BE A STEAMY LOVE SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: DAVID CARUSO CONFIRMS HE IS LEAVING CSI: MIAMI, AND REVEALS HE WILL NOW IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR HIS JOB BACK BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNED FROM PAST MISTAKES
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: KEVIN SMITH CONFIRMS THAT JAY AND SILENT BOB WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH IN CLERKS 2, AND REVEALS PLANS TO IMMEDIATELY BRING THEM BACK FROM THE GRAVE FOR ANOTHER GODDAMN UNNECESSARY JAY AND SILENT BOB MOVIE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BILLY BUSH CONFIRMS HE’S REALLY A LEPRECHAUN, AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BE THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR LUCKY CHARMS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: OWEN WILSON CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE REAL “BUTTERSCOTCH STALLION”, AND REVEALS THAT HE WILL ALSO ANSWER TO THE MONIKER “THE CHOCO-LICKING KITTEN”
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: TOM CRUISE CONFIRMS THAT FIANCEE KATIE HOLMES IS REALLY A SCIENTOLOGY ROBOT THAT WAS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED AT THE CELEBRITY CENTER LAB, AND REVEALS WHAT’S IN THE FUTURE FOR THE KATIEBOT 5000
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BRYAN SINGER CONFIRMS A STUNNING REPORT… IN THE UPCOMING SUPERMAN RETURNS, SUPERMAN WILL IN FACT SAVE THE DAY, AND REVEALS HIS TRICKS BEHIND DIGITALLY REDUCING SUPERMAN’S GINORMOUS BULGE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: HUGH JACKMAN CONFIRMS THAT WOLVERINE WILL SURVIVE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, AND FANBOYS REVEAL THEY CAN NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE LEDGE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SOCIALITE PARIS HILTON CONFIRMS SHE IS THE REAL FIRECROTCH, AND REVEALS HER PLANS TO CHALLENGE THE ICECROTCH FOR ALL-TIME SLUTTY CELEBRITY CROTCH SUPREMACY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: RYAN SEACREST CONFIRMS THAT TAYLOR HICKS WILL WIN AMERICAN IDOL, AND REVEALS PLANS FOR KATHERINE MCPHEE TO IMMEDIATELY CHANGE HER NAME TO KATEY AIKEN AND RELEASE AN ALBUM OF SHOWTUNES
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: SANDRA BULLOCK CONFIRMS REPORTS THAT SHE AND CO-STAR KEANU REEVES DO IN FACT END UP TOGETHER AT THE END OF THEIR NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA THE LAKE HOUSE, AND REVEALS PLANS TO MAKE MISS CONGENIALITY 3: SHAMELESS PAYCHECK MOVIE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: JAMIE FOXX CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT RAY CHARLES’S ILLEGITIMITE CHILD AND MIAMI VICE CO-STAR COLLEN FARRELL CONFIRMS THAT HE IS IN FACT PERMA-DRUNK, ALSO THE NATION CONFIRMS THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT MIAMI VICE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: MEL GIBSON CONFIRMS HE’S ACTUALLY CRAZY, AND REVEALS WHAT THE WORLD HAS IN STORE WHEN THE FORTHCOMING APOCALYPSE HITS. THE EARLY WORD FROM THE BRAVEHEART STAR: LOTS OF BIRD ON THE WIRE SEQUELS
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: GEORGE LUCAS CONFIRMS THAT HE IS THE ANTI-CHRIST AND REVEALS HIS PLANS TO BURN THE NEGATIVES OF THE UNTOUCHED ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: BLACK EYED PEAS SINGER FERGIE CONFIRMS SHE IS REALLY A MAN, AND THE ENTIRE COUNTRY REVEALS WE ALREADY KNEW THAT ONE
  
  

• ON THE NEXT ACCESS HOLLYWOOD: PRESIDENT BUSH CONFIRMS THAT HE HAS SURRENDERED THE NATION TO THE ICECROTCH, AND REVEALS PLANS TO RENAME THE COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES OF LOHAN

LET THE REIGN OF THE ICECROTCH COMMENCE!

Bangarang!

1. What does the disappointing box office take for M:I 3 mean for the biggest star in the world, our very own Crazy Cruiser?

It means that the Tom Cruise we have come to know and expect on the big screen is gone forever. He can’t do another Mission movie, he probably can’t justify another action movie, it’s doubtful that we’ll still believe him in a drama (ala The Last Samurai), he’s never really done a horror movie, he’s too old for sports movies now and he definitely can’t do a romantic comedy. And TV is definitely out of the question. So it raises the question, is Tom Cruise’s career over?

We might be getting ahead of ourselves, seeing as how M:I 3 did $120 Million worldwide in its first weekend, which is a success by any stretch of the imagination. But things are definitely going to change. The sad fact is that for the last twenty years he has been a dependable, enjoyable big-screen presence, and now we barely find him believable as a human being. All his real-life craziness aside, the death of Tom the Movie Star is a much bigger blow to Hollywood that the death of Tom the Person. Because really, where does he go from here? He can’t go the indie route, because he costs too much money and he would drag down the merits of the film with all his personal baggage. He can’t direct like Clint or Mel or Kevin Costner (And who would want to see A Film By Tom Cruise, anyway?). Anything he produces that he doesn’t star in, tanks (Without Limits, Ask the Dust, Elizabethtown, Suspect Zero). So what else can he do? He’s got to find a way to keep his acting career going.

I think there’s only one thing he can do to fix his image: go into hiding. Just check out and disappear. Take a year or two off, quietly sign on for a well-written drama and then come back on the merits of his acting abilities. The tabloids are fickle and will happily move onto the next celebrity carcass. In two or three years Tom Cruise going batshit crazy will be as well-remembered as Julia’s marriage to Lyle Lovett, Free Winona or Halle Berry pulling a hit and run. We forget this, but he’s done nothing wrong. He hasn’t killed anyone, stolen anything, done drugs, beaten anyone up or had a huge public meltdown (couch-jumping not withstanding). It’s entirely believable that he’s going through a particularly bad mid-life crisis; an affliction many will forgive him for. And besides, short of him being truly sociopathic, a mid-life crisis is the only possible explanation for his bizarre behavior, anyway.

Nineteen years of good standing and tabloid and audience respect do not just vanish into thin air. The man is merely over-exposed and off the grid. If we can bring him back and dry him out, maybe we can get more movies like A Few Good Men and Jerry Maguire out of him. I still like the Tom Cruise I grew up with. And even though I’m enjoying the batshit craziness he has become, I do still cling to the hope that it’s all just one big joke, or one big, ill-conceived phase. Why couldn’t he have a Travolta in Pulp Fiction-like renaissance? The man used to be Tom freakin’ Cruise. He took down Col. Nathan Jessip. He saved the CIA Noc list. He won the Daytona 500. He flew fighter plans in the Gulf. He found someone that completed him. So who’s to say he can’t find his way back to us. Give him time, he’ll figure it out and in the meantime, we’ll be waiting.

2. They kicked off Chris Daughtry??? How’d that happen?

Easily, actually, as he’s been terrible for weeks, but nobody’s noticed because he doesn’t have any competition in his category. Last year Constantine got the surprise boot because he wasn’t as good a rock star as Bo (also because he sucked and had ugly, greasy hair). Had Bo not been there, Constantine would probably have won the whole damn thing. The fact of the matter is that Chris had been mailing in psuedo-rock performances since day one, never deviated from that genre and coasted mostly on his wicked side-burns and slow-burn delivery. When it was finally time to buck up and show his range, he revealed he didn’t have one. Frankly, I’m glad he’s gone. I was never wowed by him, either as a singer or a personality. I was never going to buy a Chris Daughtry album, whereas I will definitely pick up the McPhee-ver LP (Which should be called Katherine McPhee: All Moves, No Fashion Sense).

So with the favorite getting the boot, Idol getting its suspiciously well-timed publicity boost (hmmm…) and all the fans in a tizzy, who’s gonna win this thing now? I continue to believe that America is just dumb enough to give it to Taylor Hicks. Mark my words, in three weeks the next American Idol will be a spastic, manic, grey-haired twang rocker, who will promptly fall off the face of the Earth and then end up cutting the ribbon on mall openings in five years. Mark my words.

3. Will the Lost season finale be any good, or will it as most suspect, suck just as bad as last season’s finale?

It has the potential to go either way, but my gut says it will be a letdown. This season has been off its rails since the second episode, when the writers decided to repeat the first episode FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE. They killed off all of the Tailies except Eko, making that entire season-long storyline completely pointless. We all knew Henry Gale was an Other, and got strung along for five episodes waiting for him to attack. Sayid and Charlie might as well be Central Casting extras. Jack is as petulant, selfish and pig-headed as ever. The whole word shrugged their shoulders at the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle. Hurley is starting to grate. Claire won’t stop screaming about her BAY-BE! Jin and Sun have no effect on the main story. And are we really still in that goddamn hatch?

Yes, Mike coming back and wreaking havoc is cool. Yes, having Locke and Eko find another hatch is cool (and exposing the button-pushing as the fraud I always knew it was). And yes, a war with The Others sounds cool in theory. But there are so many problems and dropped storylines that I’m beyond frustrated with the show. The only way I’ll be pleased with the finale is if they do six things:

• Bring Desmond back and explain how he got to the island.

• Have Jack and Sawyer actually fight and kill some of The Others.

• Bring Walt back and explain why Shannon saw him mumbling in the jungle.

• Destroy the button pushing computer and just see what happens when the count ends.

• Have the giant Mechanical Mist Monster (remember the monster?) show up on the beach, terrorize the entire cast at once, and then actually tells us what the deal is.

• Kill off Charlie, just because.

4. Does anyone really believe this Denise Richards-Heather Locklear-Richie Sambora-David Spade nonsense, or is it all just an ill-conceived ruse to garner attention and US Weekly covers?

Ill-conceived ruse. You see, this is what you get when Tom Cruise doesn’t plan your media spin. What publicist in their right mind would cast David Spade as Heather Locklear’s rebound guy? What, was Rob Schneider asking for too much money?

5. Will Indy 4 ever happen?

Yes, unfortunately.

But Lucas, Spielberg and Crankypuss Ford should be vary weary of tarnishing their franchise the way the latest Mission movie did, and the way the beloved-Lethal Weapon series went out. Both of those films came out long overdue, were mediocre in comparison to earlier sequels and fans were no longer interested in the characters. While Indy is a canon character and probably more recognizable than Ethan Hunt or Martin Riggs, the caution still applies. The last Indy film came out 17 years ago. So the demo going to the movies the most right know (18-25) was at best a 7 year-old when Indy finally found the Holy Grail (But in Latin, Jehovah starts with an “I”). It’s entirely possible that audiences have moved on. Firewall tanked, and Harrison Ford has done nothing to endear himself to the movie-going public in the last decade. We all know how the fanboys think of Lucas, and Spielberg has had some tumbles lately (Munich backlash, Tom Cruise ruining the BO take of War of the Worlds). Moreover, despite all participants wanting to make the movie, they’ve still been talking about it for 17 years. I’ve personally read three different versions of Indy 4, with one being about Noah’s Ark and Indy having a son with Marion. We’ve heard reports of Kevin Costner signing on as Indy’s brother, that Indy would be fighting aliens at Roswell, that Harrison-squeeze Calista Flockhart would be playing Indy’s love interest and that the title of Indy 4 would be “Indiana Jones and the Opal of the Mer-Man Prince” (this was a joke made by Harrison to a nosy reporter). By this point, no less than 10 big-time screenwriters have taken their crack at the script (including Frank Darabont, Jeff Nathanson and famously, M. Night Shyamalan. No word yet whether or not the big twist would be that Indiana Jones is really a ghost haunting Shortround.).

With so much time, money, energy and bandwidth wasted on Indy 4, it might be time to consider how necessary the film really is. After all, part 3 was called “The Last Crusade” and ended with Indy finding the freakin’ HOLY GRAIL, re-uniting with his father and riding off into the sunset. How do you top that? Harrison is 64 now, and has long since passed the point of believability as an action hero. And the Nazi’s aren’t an attractive villain anymore (Done in, ironically enough, by Spielberg himself with his masterpiece Schindler’s List). The film is carrying such negative buzz and beyond-heightened expectations that in the end, what might be best for all, is to heed the advice of Dr. Henry Jones Sr.: “Indiana… let it go.”

6. Is there anything better to look forward to this summer than the return of Entourage?

Nope.

7. What will “magician” David Blaine choose as his next publicity stunt?

Let me be plainly clear about one thing, I do mean “stunt”, since Blaine long ago stopped trying to do “real” magic. Since when did unnecessary feats of endurance qualify as magic? I’m not saying I could live in a fishbowl for a week and then hold my breath for ten minutes, but if I did, I wouldn’t pop out and say “Ta Da!” I thought the guy was pretty cool back when he was suckering New Yorkers with card tricks, nailing Josie Maran, talking about it on Howard Stern and freaking out the Dallas Cowboys by fake levitating in their locker room, but now I just want him to go away. His work has been all diminishing returns. Pulling out his heart on the Carson Daly show was kick ass (partly because nobody saw it coming, and because he sold it so well). The coffin trick was sort of interesting in a “been there, seen The Vanishing” kind of way. The trapped in ice trick was fake beyond all get out, made even more stupid by the relentless media hype and subsequent (yet inevitable) anti-climax. But hanging out in a water tank for a week? Is this guy desperate for ideas or what? I thought the idea of sitting on a 22-inch board for a day and a half was thin, but a week of scuba diving? Who cares?

Apparently ABC does, because they not only continue to broadcast and subsidize the TV specials, but have already greenlit the next one. Nobody knows what the trick is going to be, but I have some suggestions if Blaine needs some extra brainstorm power.

• Take an IQ Test, then watch a marathon of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and then re-take the IQ Test. The trick is to keep your IQ above 40.

• Date the Holy Tabloid Trash Triumvirate of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson, then find a way to not contract a venereal disease (can’t be done). For extra bonus difficulty, throw in a one night stand with Tara Reid or a make out session with Natasha Lyonne.

• Climb a 300 foot ladder, reach the top, jump to the other side, and GET OVER YOURSELF!

8. Will any man on earth watch The View, now that Rosie O’Donnell is coming aboard?

Not any man who wants to keep his testicles. I’m not sure if Barbara Walters and the producers of this show are the world’s biggest man-hating lesbians, or if they’re trying to lure all of the most annoying women in showbiz into one room so that they can carpet bomb the set and win the Nobel Prize for Humanitarian Efforts. Either way, the male viewership is hitting negative numbers by October.

Rosie O’Donnell has gone so far off the grid that I’m surprised she’s even still allowed on network television. I mean, the supremely funny Sarah Silverman says “kike” on Conan just once and she’s banned from the Big Five for a decade and a half. Yet Rosie inflicted on us the inexorable “Riding the Bus With My Sister”, and she gets one of the most coveted jobs in daytime entertainment. I’m Jewish, and I’m still more offended by Rosie than I am by another Jew using the “K” word. It just shows to go you that Hollywood is a strange, strange place, filled with too many people that like to hear Tom Cruise called a “cutie patootie” at 11am in the morning. And you wonder why I’m so cynical about entertainment.

Good luck keeping your dignity with this one, Babs. I’m sure Hugh Downs is looking down on you from Heaven, so very, very proud of you.

9. Now that LucasFilm has caved to fan pressure and announced that the original versions of the Star Wars Trilogy will be released this fall, does this mean that George Lucas is no longer the anti-Christ?

Well, ask my friends this question and the resounding answer is a big fat “NO WAY!!” While I don’t think he’s the devil that all the fanboys make him out to be, I do agree that he is one of the most cunning, derisive businessmen in Hollywood. All those years refusing to release the OG version was merely chum to boost the interest level. And now that all six films are on DVD he needs another product to pimp. So what does he do? He finally agrees to release the OG versions. Millions of people will buy them, thank the lord that they can finally see Greedo shoot first on DVD, and Lucas’ll continue to rake in the kaysh. Then, a couple years from now, he’ll release Star Wars on 3-D, and everyone will buy that. Then they’ll complain that he only released the special editions on 3-D and there will be a couple years of him adamantly refusing to the release the untouched OG trilogy on 3-D. And one day he’ll agree to do that, too.

The cycle is never-ending. There is no way for every fan to be appeased in the exact manner they require, and George Lucas knows this. And more to the point, he profits from this. If all those screaming Comic-Con geeks would just calm down, ban together and refuse to be pushed around, maybe Lucas would stop whoring his films out in pieces. Maybe he would finally just release the Mega-Ultra-Definitive-Never Again To Be Touched-Use The Force Special Edition with every incarnation of Star Wars that has ever crossed his mind and ever will, and be done with it. But that won’t happen. And we all know this. Because he is (quite possibly) the anti-Christ.

So enjoy buying the Star Wars saga for the fourth time (and counting).

10. What are the odds that The Jay will make it through the series finale of The West Wing without bawling uncontrollably at the loss of his once-beloved TV show?

Exactly 7%. I love me The West Wing something fierce. It will always rank in my Top 5 Favorite TV Shows of All Time. And I will support the core cast in anything they do for the rest of their careers. I owe the show a proper send-off, and maybe someday when I catch up on all the episodes I missed in the 6th and 7th seasons I’ll do that. But for now, I’ll just say thank you and be on my way. Thank you to the incomparable Aaron Sorkin, Tommy Schlamme, John Wells, Deborah Cahn, Allison Janney, Richard Schiff, Martin Sheen, Bradley Whitford and Rob Lowe for crafting one of the finest pieces of entertainment that this online humorist has ever had the privilege of experiencing.

Bangarang! (And good luck, President Santos.)

Click HERE, to read Part 1 of the Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!

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July 7th

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

The Cast: John(ny) Depp, Orlando Bloom, Domino

The Plot: Disneyland needed another reason to remodel their Pirates ride and convince The Jay to waste his paycheck at the happiest place on earth, so now we get a sequel to the hit remake of the theme park ride (my favorite genre of movie). I’ll put a guess in and say the movie revolves around zombie pirates, Keira in a tight corset, Orlando trying to look suave and Johnny Depp kicking ass with his mouth and a sword, all while acting stone drunk. A hearty “Yearrghh” or two is probably involved, as well.

The Good: The trailer looks great, the new additions to the cast are great (Bill Nighy, Stellan Sarsgaard) and everyone in the world liked the first movie. Of all the trailers for the big movies of the summer, this one was easily the best. The shot of Johnny with six eyes and the nighttime shot of the fireflies was enough to give me chills. Is this really what we were missing all those years that Depp refused to do studio movies? We could have had kick ass blockbuster fare for years, but no, Johnny had to be indie and do crap like Chocolat and The Libertine. How important is your indie cred when weighed against your obligation as an awesome performer meant to entertain the world? I say get off your high horse and go star in Hackers 2: Bloggers United!

The Bad: I think I speak for the world when I say that we’re all a little tired of Orlando Bloom. And while I know it’s a bit sacrilegious, but I got a weird feeling that Johnny’s Captain Jack may start grating on people by hour three of this sequel. Here’s hoping he has a lot of 21 Jump Street goodwill still left in him.

The Prediction: $290 Million – Yearrrrgh!

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A Scanner Darkly

The Cast: The Esteemed Mr. Keanu Reeves, “Free” Winona Ryder, Robert Downey Jr. and Woody

The Plot: That movie Waking Life that everyone on drugs says kick ass but that I fell asleep to (twice) bumps into a remake of Total Recall and out pops this soon-to-be Keanu classic. In other news, Winona Ryder is back! And from what I hear, totally stealing the movie (pun intended).

The Good: When Keanu does sci-fi (The Matrix), he does it big. The supporting cast is the best in the business. Especially Robert Downey Jr. who after his superb comeback in the best movie of 2005, is back to doing his “talk crazy fast and make no sense but be interesting to watch” thing, which is always fine by me.

The Bad: When Keanu does bad sci-fi (Johnny Mnemonic), he does it real, real big. As much as I love the man who would be Ted Theodore Logan, the man has a tendency to ah, how do I put this… underact? Also, the Waking Life animation, while an interesting gimmick, was annoying enough for an hour. How will audiences respond to a two hour version of the gimmick, when it most likely detracts from the actual story. And besides, if I wanted to see Winona Ryder look like a cartoon I’d rent Mr. Deeds.

The Prediction: $37 Million – Whoa? Not so much.

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Little Man

The Cast: The (Blechy) Wayans Brothers

The Plot: The Wayans Brothers, in an attempt to turn off The Jay even more than was previously thought possible, manages to offend black people, little people and all the people in the world with this gimmick comedy gone wrong. Marlon Wayans plays a “midget” who pretends to be a baby in order to steal back a big diamond. Along the way are pseudo-hilarious bits where Shawn treats Marlon like a real baby and Marlon beats the crap out of him. Like I said, pseudo-hilarious.

The Good: The Wayans can do subversive comedy (see the original Scary Movie).

The Bad: But they can also do crap like White Girls. Which reminds me, HEY, stop watching White Girls. Why are you encouraging this kind of movie? It’s bad enough The Lady liked it, but the rest of you, pushing it to a $68 Million gross. Unbelievable. It’s people like you that are responsible for crap like Little Man and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

The Prediction: Unfortunately… $57 Million

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July 14th

Pulse

The Cast: Veronica Mars, some other people I don’t care about

The Plot: Veronica Mars and Boone from season one of Lost get terrorized by a evil force that can kill you through video games or cell phones, or pagers or black berry’s or two cans tied with a string, basically any form of electronics. Also, probably, really good-looking teen stars get killed (But since this isn’t a Friday the 13th movie, they don’t even get to have sex before they’re killed.).

The Good: Kristen Bell was in the ultra-awesome Spartan, and for that she has my money for at least her next three movies. Also, if I get to see Boone die again on-screen, all the better for The Jay.

The Bad: Really? Another freaking horror movie? Is this really necessary? The fourteen we’ve already had this year wasn’t enough? Also, Kristen, I love your work and all, but stick with the TV. Don’t tarnish the legacy of Veronica Mars by showing up in crap like this.

The Prediction: $28 Million

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You, Me and Dupree

The Cast: The Butterscotch Stallion, Matt Dillon, Spawn of Goldie Hawn

The Plot: The Butterscotch Stallion, distraught that Vince Vaughn wouldn’t let him co-star in The Break-Up decides to nurse his wounds by shacking up with Matt Dillon and the evil Spawn of Goldie Hawn and make their lives miserable (but hilarious). Serves them right for Crash and The Skeleton Key, respectively.

The Good: Let’s get one thing straight, Owen Wilson is a comedic genius. Let us not forget he is, after all, Hansel (so hot right now). The man knows a thing or two about making people laugh. Even sans-Vaughn he’s still a beacon of funny. Now if we could just get him to stop doing Ben Stiller Buddy Movies.

The Bad: I hate I hate I HATE Kate Hudson. And Matt Dillon stills owes me for that One Night At McCool’s crap I’ve had to sit through on Comedy Central all those nights waiting for Eddie Murphy: Raw to come on.

The Prediction: $75 Million – The Stallion Rides Again

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July 21st

Lady in the Water

The Cast: Paul Giamatti, Ron Howard’s kid, and most likely “Mr. Exposition a.k.a M. Night Shyamalan

The Plot: It goes like this… Paul drinks wine, Paul whines, Opie’s kid shows up, slow second act, more wine drinking, more depressing Paul Giamatti, a kind of cool action scene, more drinking wine, again with more of Opie’s kid, strange sounds in the forest, boring climactic action scene, and then A TWIST!

The Good: Shyamalan can still do good work; that scene of Joaquin and Bryce Dallas on the porch talking about dancing at their wedding, from The Village, was an excellently acted and very well-directed. Plus, despite his pension for crappy twists, he is one of the few proponents of not showing the entire movie in a trailer. And for that small gesture, I’ll forgive him the ending of The Village, and buy my ticket for Lady in the Water.

The Bad: But we can’t entirely forget about the crappy twists. Or Shyamalan’s need to put himself in every one of his movies. Who does this guy think he is, Quentin Tarantino? He needs to tell a linear story that doesn’t cheat the audience at the end. Only when he does that will we truly know if this guy has the goods, or if he’s just cheating his way through Blockbuster Land.

The Prediction: $83 Million

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Monster House

The Cast: The Voices of: Steve Buscemi, Napolean Dynamite and Mr. Kathleen Turner

The Plot: A bunch of CGI pixels, I mean kids, try to break into a house that turns out to be a real live monster. Which is nice, because promoting juvenile breaking and entering is bad, but promoting child abuse is so much better! Good thing it’s only animation, where you can get away with stuff like this.

The Good: Producer Robert Zemeckis is one of the best in the business at creating family friendly entertainment that also has an appeal for older audiences (see Back to the Future, do not see Death Becomes Her). Also, the 3D in this movie is being used as a stepping stone / experiment for the kind of movies that James Cameron is working on. Anything that gets Big Jim back to the movies is OK in my book.

The Bad: This type of animation is still a long way away from becoming a viable alternative to the Pixar model. Zemeckis’s last attempt, The Polar Express, was fun, but the kids looked cree-PEE and not at all life-like. I hear the faces look better here, but it’s gonna take a near perfect pull for me to forget what I saw in Polar.

The Prediction: $117 Million

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My Super Ex-Girlfriend

The Cast: Uma, Luke Wilson and Anna Faris

The Plot: Uma is a superhero (which is actually true in real life), and is dating the uninformed brother of The Butterscotch Stallion. When Uma becomes too needy, Luke dumps her and begins shacking up with hottie (and awesome comedian) Anna Faris. Uma, using her superhero butt-kicking powers, makes his life a living hell. Sounds like every break-up I’ve ever had.

The Good: In case you hadn’t figured it out, The Jay hearts Uma Thurman. I sat the entire way through Prime just because she rules so much (And that was hard because Meryl Streep plays just about the worst and most obnoxious Jewish mother in the history of cinema. Even Lainie Kazan thought she was over the top.).

The Bad: Two problems here- 1. Director Ivan Reitman hasn’t made a good movie in 13 years (Dave), and more to the point, has made truly awful movies in that time (Junior, Evolution, Six Days Seven Nights), and 2. Tell me again why guys will want to see this movie? It’s about a psychotic ex-girlfriend, so who are they marketing this to? The women, who can feel some sort of girl power about destroying an ex’s life, yet who take a blind eye to the fact that they are all psychos? The men, who get to see two blonde hotties, but have to relive past break-ups and then have the whole “tell me about your ex” conversation with their date? I just can’t see where the tone of this movie becomes a positive. Sure, Uma as a superhero is a good idea, and one that is long in the making (heck, she basically played a superhero in Kill Bill). But I just don’t think anybody will cotton to see an overpowering female abusing her powers to destroy a man. Unless the ladies from The View see it, and then it’ll become their trumpet song.

The Prediction: $38 Million – This Superhero falls flat.

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July 28th

Miami Vice

The Cast: Drunken Colin Farrell, The Actor Who Isn’t Ray Charles, Probably Not Don Johnson, Definitely Not Phillip Michael Thomas

The Plot: Michael Mann got into his time-traveling Delorean, juiced up the flux capacitor and gunned it to 88 miles per hour, and is now stuck in 1986, thinking a Miami Vice movie is topical and necessary. But back in 2006, Miami Vice is really a grittier version of Bad Boys, but with a lot more production problems and terrible Colin Farrell facial hair.

The Good: The trailer at least, is unbelievable. And Michael Mann practically invented the “gritty thriller” genre. If the camera work is half as good as it was in Collateral, then the movie may be forgiven for its shoddy story and extreme miscasting.

The Bad: Is this really the best project for Michael Mann? After five seasons of the Miami Vice TV show, he does he really still has a story left to tell? What will be here that we can’t get in the DVD season box sets? I wish he had directed something more original. Collateral, Heat and Last of the Mohicans are such sweet flicks, so why would he waste his time on a sequel to a bad 80’s TV show? I just don’t get the need for this movie.

The Prediction: $95 Million – The vice is nice at the box office.

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John Tucker Must Die

The Cast: The Gardener from Desperate Housewives, Ashanti, The Actress Formerly Known as Mrs. Chad Michael Murray

The Plot: Three hot chicks realize they are all dating the gardener from Desperate Housewives. Angry that they’re getting Eva Longoria sloppy seconds, they convince a fourth hot chick to seduce him then dump and humiliate him. Along the way the fourth hot chick and the gardener fall in High School love (which in reality means until just after Prom).

The Good: Love the title, like a few of the hotties, am a fan of the teen genre. Other than that, yeah, I got nothing here.

The Bad: I’ve seen at the very least, 200 teen comedies. So what are the odds that John Tucker Must Die is gonna crack the top 50? Ain’t no way it’s better than The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Mean Girls or even She’s All That. My thought is, the movie will go the way of Jawbreaker, and I won’t have to think about it until 2009 when it shows up as TBS Sunday matinee movie.

The Prediction: $23 Million

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Scoop

The Cast: Woody Allen, Scarlett Johanssen, Scarlett Johanssen’s breasts, Wolverine and the dude from Deadwood

The Plot: Woody Allen tries to convince the world he isn’t a pervert (again) by going a whole second movie without writing in a sex scene for himself and Scarlett Johanssen. So far Scarlett, though maybe not the world, is buying. Wolverine shows up as a romantic interest for Scarlett, but I bet Woody wins the girl. After all, it is his picture and it is his reality. Apparently in Woodyland, a girl that looks like Scarlett will always fall for a 60 year-old nebbishy Jew over freaking Wolverine!

The Good: Scarlett and Wolverine are enough to get me in the theater. And as much as I rip the Woodster, I enjoyed Match Point and hope this is the next step in a career renaissance for the acclaimed director.

The Bad: I haven’t yet bought into the whole “Scarlett as serious actress” thing, and two Woody Allen movies in a row doesn’t really help the matter. Also, I’m a bit concerned as to how Hugh Jackman will acquit himself. He plays an English lord, and if memory serves me, the last time he did that, it did not go well (Kate & Leopold).

The Prediction: $44 Million – Wolvie and Woody are a potent team.

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August 4th

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

The Cast: Ron Burgundy, John C. Reilly, Ali G

The Plot: Will Ferrell says funny things, does some funny stuff and drives a car. What else do you need?

The Good: When Will Ferrell decides to bring the funny, all the world is moved by his generosity. Such is my reverence for his comedy. My crew quotes Anchorman every day (I’m riding a furry tractor!), so we’re all anxiously awaiting the new Talladega material. Not to mention the awesomeness that is John C. Reilly. And the Ali G guy playing the Cary Elwes in Days of Thunder role? It’s like they made the movie just for me and my boys. If this isn’t the funniest movie of the year, than I’m gonna lose all hope in the world of comedy..

The Bad: The understatement of the year is that Will Ferrell as been spread thin these few years. It’s not so much that he’s lost the ability to make me laugh, because I haven’t. The worry is that he’s gone through all this material, and there’s no new shtick left. Two more hours of Anchorman-like comedy sounds great, but what else does he got. Eddie Murphy dropped Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, Coming to America and Raw on us. Four different types of comedy. By my count, Will only has three: Papa Burgundy, kooky SNL, and “oh my god why did I sign on to this train wreck of a movie” (Bewitched)

The Prediction: $85 Million

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The Ant Bully

The Cast: The Voices of: Paul Giamatti, Nic Cage, America’s Sweetheart “Julia Roberts”, Meryl Streep (again; Doesn’t she know how to say no?)

The Plot: A kid drowns an ant colony with a squirt gun, then in a plot twist only an animated movie could get away with, is magically shrunken down to the size of ant so that he can see what it’s like to be a strong little insect.

The Good: The voice cast may be the best of this year’s crop of CGI flicks, the poster is fun and relatable, and for some reason, this is the only CGI movie of the year that does not have talking animals in it. For that reason alone I’m on The Ant Bully’s side.

The Bad: Nic Cage voicing an ant? This could either be glorious like a mid-summer’s night sunset, or disastrous as a mid-summer’s day brush fire. The Valley kid in me leans toward the brush fire.

The Prediction: $127 Million

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August 11th

World Trade Center

The Cast: Nic Cage, Maria “Gets Nude A Lot” Bello, Jake Gyllenhaal’s weird sister

The Plot: Nic Cage and Oliver Stone remove themselves even farther from reality and actually belive their movie will be a tasteful, respectful realization of the heroic men and women that dies trying to save the lives of WTC workers. Somewhere in the world, the terrorists just did a small victory dance.

The Good: Stone can deliver an outstanding historical flick (see Platoon). And Nic Cage, when he decides not to be Nic Cage, is one of the best actors we have working today.

The Bad: It’s just too bad that Stone seems only capable of delivering terrible historical movies as of late (Alexander). And that Nic Cage seems unlikely to return to his Leaving Las Vegas potential. The whole shebang reeks of sensationalism, and will be negatively affected by the positive response to the recent United 93. How would you like your movie to be considered the bad 9/11 film? Not good times.

The Prediction: $44 Million – Not the memorial this country was looking for.

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Zoom

The Cast: Buzz Lightyear, Monica Gellar, The Comedian Formerly Known as Chevy Chase, “Kick Ass” Rip Torn

The Plot: Tim Allen grabs Kurt Russell / Sky High sloppy seconds as a burnt-out former superhero who is now a teacher at a superhero academy. Somewhere at the bottom of toybox in a little kid’s room, Buzz Lightyear just rolled over in his grave.

The Good: Tim Allen is not an entirely unappealing big screen performer. I like him in Big Trouble, the first Santa Clause movies, and I have nothing but love for Toy Story.

The Bad: This movie seems like a rip-off of no less than four hit movies from the last few years: Sky High, The Incredibles, Harry Potter, and X-Men, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. The producers have been sued a couple times over claims that they stole the storyline from other movies. That’s a bad stink to have on you at the end of a superhero-heavy summer movie season. Also, and not to be rude, but Courteney Cox is beginning to look like a dried-out Stegosaurus. Not pretty.

The Prediction: $58 Million

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August 18th

Snakes on a (Muthafuckin) Plane

The Cast:“Mr. Bad Mutha Fucka” Samuel L. Jackson, That Nurse From E.R. Seasons 1-4, and a whole bunch of snakes

The Plot: Oh, c’mon! hello, see the title of this movie. No plot description necessary.

The Good: This is almost too easy. Let’s see, there’s Sam “The Man” Jackson, there’s all the reported hardcore gore and blood and CGI, there’s the newly added gratuitous T & A, there’s Sunny Mabrey, and oh yeah, there’s the Snakes. On a Muthafuckin’ Plane!

The Bad: All kidding aside, it’s a movie about snakes on a plane. How good could it possibly be? Though the upside is that it may lead to the terrifically titled porn movie “Snakes on a Porno”, where the girls have to figure out what is really coming at their face, a real snake or trouser snake.

The Prediction: $137 Million

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Clerks II

The Cast: Jay and Silent Bob, Rosario Dawson, Rosario Dawson’s humongous mouth

The Plot: Dante again shows up for work when “He isn’t supposed to be [here] today!” Presumably, Jay and Silent Bob do some drugs, dance a bit and drop an F-bomb or five hundred. And in the background, if you listen hard enough, you can hear director Kevin Smith, quietly pulling the lever on a cash machine. Cha-ching!

The Good: Clerks was a seminal film of the 90’s, helped to shape my decision to be a writer and introduced me to some of the most creative uses of the F-word I have ever heard. Also, Jay and Silent Bob, for all their shenanigans, are still favorites of mine.

The Bad: Clerks 2? Was this really necessary? Didn’t the first one say pretty much all that needed to be said about clerks? And not to be stickler about things, but Kevin Smith needs to stop calling his movies “the last appearance of Jay and Silent Bob” if he’s gonna keep bringing them back. Don’t be a movie tease, it’s not nice.

The Prediction: $27 Million – Who else besides the fans did he make this movie for? He should think about getting some more fans if he ever wants a movie to gross more than $30 Million.

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August 25th

Invincible

The Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Mark Wahlberg’s ginormous maw, the slutty girl from The 40 Year-Old Virgin

The Plot: Mark Wahlberg tries out for the Philadelphia Eagles and ends up walking onto the team. It’s inspirational, as so many Disney marketers will try to convince you.

The Good: Wahlberg created and exec produces Entourage, so he’s ok in my book. Anyone that helped to create the character of Ari Gold earns eternal loyalty from The Jay.

The Bad: Sports movies are almost as played out as horror movies. Didn’t Remember the Titans, Coach Carter, Glory Road, Varsity Blues and Friday Night Lights all pretty much corner the market on inspirational underdog sports movies? Also, how is this not just Rudy done with a better actor?

The Prediction: $47 Million – Not at all invincible at the box office.

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Idlewild

The Cast: The OutKast guys

The Plot: The Outakst guys troll for some movie coin, after already over-powering the music industry with that insufferable “Hey Ya” song. In this attempt to cash in, the boys do what amounts to a two hour music video set in a club in the 1930’s.

The Good: The music will probably be fantastic. And the costumes are sure to impress. Let’s just not say anything about the acting. This movie has been pushed back a couple times now, and I’m sure there are reasons for it. But for now, we’ll stick with good music and nice costumes.

The Bad: This film looks more than a bit like a funkier version of Harlem Nights, a film that very nearly ruined the careers of two other famous African American performers (Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy). Since those two titans of comedy couldn’t pull off the 1930’s club movie, how much faith should we put into a version done by a couple of funk singers?

The Prediction: $36 Million

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Material Girls

The Cast: Hilary Duff, Hilary Duff’s big ass teeth, Haylie Duff, Haylie Duff’s big ass ego

The Plot: The Duff sisters piss on the grave of Madonna (She’s dead, right? Oh, well, if not her than definitely her talent) by stealing her biggest hit and basing a stupid-ass teen movie around it. Doing everything in their power to out-act each other (which is like trying to watch Ashton Kutcher and Paul Walker out-dude each other), the sisters play make-up moguls that get into wacky shenanigans. The movie may be good, but nobody knows, since Hilary’s huge-normous teeth take up half the screen.

The Good: I get to make “Hilary Duff has some big-ass teeth” jokes for the next three months. Also, I dig the Madonna song, so there’s some nostalgia working here.

The Bad: If Alanis Morrisette and Hilary Duff ever tried to make out, the resounding noise of their teeth mashing together would trigger a 5.7 magnitude earthquake and shatter all the windows in the Capital Records building in Hollywood. It would be like that “LA bites the dust” scene in The Day After Tomorrow. The point is, there would be no survivors. Also, I dig the Madonna song, so Hilary better not fuck it up.

The Prediction: $24 Million – Nobody likes the Duff anymore. Long live La Lohan!

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And that’s a wrap on the The Jay’s official 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza! Enjoy the summer season folks, and I’ll see you at the movies. Just make sure not to talk in the theater. And turn your freaking cell phones off. Everyone at the AMC Theatres in Burbank, I’m looking right at you.

Bangarang!

It is finally here. Thousands of man hours, hundreds of terabytes of computer space, millions of phony celebrity interviews, hundred of millions of budget dollars, and in the end, 75 movies. All designed to hold you, thrill you, kiss you and kill you. It’s the Summer Movie Season and all is right with the world.

Over the next four months every studio in the world will beg you to see their movies. They’ll give away free tickets, they’ll advertise on your favorite shows, they’ll whore their stars out on every two bit journo beat west of the Atlantic. They will go so far as to actually make good movies, in an attempt to trick you into the theater. And it will all work. Out of the 75 movies, more than a quarter will gross over $100 Million, with another quarter scoring more than $60 Million. A quarter will bomb spectacularly, but that’s OK, because we want them to. We will spend more than $3 Billion to watch these blockbusters, hoping in vein to see anything worthy of a ten dollar ticket, three buck pack of Twizzlers and maybe / hopefully / probably not, a quiet theater. We will wait in line, we will read reviews, we will argue with our friends, we will buy the merchandise, and in the end, inevitably, we will watch the movies. It’s the Summer Movie Season and all is right with The Jay’s world.

As a service to all my readers, I have compiled a list of all the major (and some of the minor) movies of the Summer and capsuled them, letting you know the good, the bad and the box office prediction. We’re tackling May and June today and July and August on Friday. Since this piece is much longer than it has any right to be, let’s can the preview and head right to the feature.

The Jay’s 2006 Summer Movie Preview Extravaganza!

May 5th

Mission: Impossible 3

The Cast: “Batshit Crazy” Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Michelle Monaghan, Felicity and Capote

The Plot: Tom Cruise tries to make us forget how crazy he’s become and tries to remind us how good of a movie star he is. Also, Phillip Seymour Hoffman tries to explain this paycheck. And I’ll go out on a limb and say there’s probably gonna be a scene or five where Tom fakes like he’s somebody else and then rips a mask off to reveal it’s really him. Because that device worked so, SO well in the last one.

The Good: Director J.J. Abrams knows what he’s doing with the spy genre (Alias). Michelle Monaghan and Keri Russell are primetime multi pre-approved hotties. Also, the first M:I kicked a lot off ass.

The Bad: But M:I 2 sucked donkey balls. Tom Cruise is crazy, no matter how good of a movie star he is. And J.J. Abrams also wrote that infamous Superman Returns script, so his blockbuster cred is pretty low.

The Prediction: $165 Million - The Cruiser still has it.

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Art School Confidential

The Cast: John Malkovich, A bunch of art school rejects

The Plot: A kid with no talent tries his hand at art school. There’s probably a cute artsy chick involved. And Malkovich probably plays a kooky teacher. Assumptions are cool.

The Good: When Malkovich turns it on, there’s no one better (In the Line of Fire).

The Bad: This film’s from the same group that did Ghost World and Bad Santa, two films I despise more than Million Dollar Baby and refuse to re-watch.

The Prediction: $25 Million

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Hoot

The Cast: Luke Wilson, The kid from Jack and Bobby

The Plot: A group of kids defend owls from land development and extinction. Luke Wilson plays the slowest-witted sheriff ever.

The Good: Most of the time Luke does better movies than his brother, The Butterscotch Stallion. Also, owls are kinda cool. One of my favorite Disney characters was Archimedes the Owl from The Sword in the Stone.

The Bad: When was the last time a movie about an endangered animal was any good? And no, I don’t count Vin Diesel in The Pacifier.

The Prediction: $28 Million - Not quite March of the Penguins.

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May 12th

Poseidon

The Cast: Josh “Stealth” Lucas, Snake Plissken, Richard Dreyfuss, Jacinda Barrett, and The ugly chick from the Black Eyed Peas

The Plot: The wave from The Perfect Storm knocks over the ship from Titanic. A bunch of B-List actors try to convince director Wolfgang Peterson not to kill them off in the first reel. Josh Lucas probably the wins.

The Good: Kurt Russell and Richard Dreyfuss are always fun to watch. Wolfgang Peterson knows a thing or two about making good summer movies (Air Force One, Outbreak).

The Bad: Fun Poseidon story: I was watching the UCLA vs. Florida NCAA Championship game with a bunch of friends when the trailer for this movie came on. One of my friends turns to me and says: “Is this a remake of Titanic?” That can’t bode well for this movie.

The Prediction: $154 Million - It’s this year’s The Day After Tomorrow.

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Just My Luck

The Cast: La Lohan, La Lohan’s Bad Press, La Lohan’s Tremendously Oversized Ego

The Plot: La Lohan has good luck. Some random actor has bad luck. They mack, and their lucks switch. La Lohan thinks she’s Lucille Ball and does a bunch of mediocre physical comedy. They hook back up, and all is right with the world. Oh, and her skin color changes in every scene because she was in and out of rehab during the filming of this movie.

The Good: La Lohan can do comedy (Mean Girls).

The Bad: La Lohan is so tragically immersed in being La Lohan that she doesn’t seem pay particular attention to the scripts she chooses (Herbie: Fully Loaded?). Besides, we see her in the news every day, why would we willingly hand over ten bucks to see in her some garbage teen movie?

The Prediction: $44 Million

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Goal!

The Cast: Someone who isn’t either of the guys from Y Tú Mama Tambien

The Plot: FIFA gives America one last shot to fall in love with Fútbol. America promptly shuts down the MLS and deports the AYSO. Nobody tells America what to do!

The Good: Soccer is a great spectator sport, no matter what the entire nation thinks. And hopefully this will boost attendance for AYSO, a great youth soccer league that has touched the lives of thousands of suburban kids.

The Bad: Did I mention that no one in America watches soccer? We don’t even call the sport by its real name. We kinda suck in that regard.

The Prediction: $13 Million - No goal.

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May 19th

The Da Vinci Code

The Cast: Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks’s Hair, Amelie, Mr. Jennifer Connelly, Magneto and Alfred Molina

The Plot: Tom Hanks attempts to prove that he can do action. His hair attempts to prove it’s not a joke. The rest of the two hours is filled with a bunch of religious hooey. Do I really need to give a description of the plot? Like there’s anybody in the world who hasn’t read this book.

The Good: Director Ron Howard and Tom Hanks are a great team (Splash, Apollo 13), the cast is uniformly excellent and the trailer kicks ass.

The Bad: The recent plot theft trial and religious backlash haven’t helped the film’s cause. And did I mention the hair? Also, it’s possible that since everyone in the world has read the book, no one will want to see the movie. Angels & Demons was way better, anyway.

The Prediction: $217 Million - The movie wins by a hair.

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Over The Hedge

The Cast: The Voices of: Bruce Willis, Gary Shandling, Steve Carrell and The Shatner

The Plot: A bunch of CGI characters voiced by celebrities get into wacky hijinks. Which is basically the plot of just about any animated movie.

The Good: Bruce Willis will always be “The Good” in any project he does. And Denny Crane (a.k.a. The Shatner) has been a pantheon good times presence since the mid-90’s when he embraced how hammy he is and stopped railing on sci-fi nerds.

The Bad: Do we really need another “CGI characters get into wacky hijinks” movie? Isn’t the twenty five we already have enough?

The Prediction: $87 Million - The kids need something to do, and the parents need something to make their kids shut up. It’s a beautiful thing.

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May 26th

X-Men: The Last Stand

The Cast: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Gandalf the Grey, Capt. Jean Luc Picard, and Hottie Famke Janssen

The Plot: Brett Ratner screws up the X-Men Franchise. A bunch of mutants show off their special effects, I mean, superpowers. Also, Hugh Jackman kicks a bunch of ass.

The Good: Did I mention that Hugh Jackman kicks ass?

The Bad: The Ratner. Every fanboy in the world is on pins and needles to see if he screws up their beloved X-Men franchise. I had been on his side since the beginning, as I had mistakenly assumed that when he took over the film from Matthew Vaughn with two weeks until principal photography, that he had merely inherited a troubled sequel. But now I know that he overhauled the script, cut out Nightcrawler, helped design the awful Juggernaut costume and stupidly made Beast an action hero instead of the scientist he’s supposed to be. Though I will admit, I was stoked when the first trailers started coming out and there was nothing too offensive in them. But then I saw that clip on Leno the other day where Wolverine beheads a Sentinel, and now I have no faith for the Ratner. X-3 will still make buckets of kaysh, but it will most definitely blow.

The Prediction: $147 Million

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June 2nd

The Break-Up

The Cast: Vince Vaughn, the actress formerly known as Mrs. Brad Pitt

The Plot: The Once and Future Rachel Green tries to forget that she traded down from Brad Pitt to Vince Vaughn and Vince Vaughn tries not to look confused that Owen Wilson isn’t in this movie. And somewhere in the film they break up, then get back together and Vince says some crazy stuff that isn’t nearly as good as “Just the tip. Just for a second. Just to see how it feels.”

The Good: Vince Vaughn is the best comedic actor working in film today. Jennifer Aniston, when she’s doing romantic comedy, is often a joy to watch. I’m also a fan of the fact that the producers haven’t tried to milk the real life relationship between Vince and Jen nearly as much as some other celebrity couples movies. Which bodes well for this not being a repeat of Gigli.

The Bad: When Jen isn’t feeling it (Derailed), she’s painful to watch. Also, aren’t we all just a little tired of her? Even Oprah’s stopped calling her.

The Prediction: $110 Million - Vince is still the man.

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June 9th

Cars

The Cast: The Voices of: The Butterscotch Stallion (a.k.a. Owen Wilson), Paul Newman and Bonnie Hunt

The Plot: Pixar creates another digital masterpiece, this time about a racing car that gets stranded in a desert town and must relearn it’s love for driving. Paul Newman is prominently involved (warrants mentioning).

The Good: Pixar is batting a 1.000 with their movies. This one doesn’t look to break the streak.

The Bad: Cars aren’t nearly as cuddly as monsters, toys or plushy fish. Kids may be turned off by a subject matter they have no real understanding of.

The Prediction: $205 Million – Pixar is incapable of failure.

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A Prarie Home Companion

The Cast: Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, La Lohan, Tommy Lee Jones

The Plot: A long list of well known actors try their hand and singing, country wear and public radio. Director Robert Altman tries not to grope La Lohan. La Lohan tries to prove she still cares about acting.

The Good: The cast is amazing. Yes, even La Lohan

The Bad: I could care less about the radio show the film is based on. Robert Altman is hit or miss, and he’s due for another miss.

The Prediction: $34 Million – La Lohan gets a bit of cred, the movie gets a little coin.

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The Omen

The Cast: Liev Schreiber, “Sucky” Julia Stiles, some creepy kid

The Plot: 20th Century Fox realized they needed a horror movie for their summer line up and threw a dart at the horror shelf in their vault. Apparently, they hit The Omen. Now Liev Schreiber gets to raise an evil kid who may in fact be the devil.

The Good: Like I’ve said before, this movie is a fantastic advertisement for birth control.

The Bad: Horror movies are already played out this year, and May has just barely begun. Horror remakes are even more spread thin, as The Hills Have Eyes failed to match the box office of the other big horror films in 2006 (Even the inexorable Hostel did better.). This may be a case of the studio thinking the brand has more value that it actually has, otherwise known as The King Kong Corollary.

The Prediction: $57 Million – Not evil enough. The margarine of evil. The Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

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June 16th

Nacho Libre

The Cast: Jack Black, Jack Black’s Rockin’ Mullet and Stache

The Plot: Jack Black straps on some spandex, grows a mullet and a sweet stache and becomes a masked Mexican wrestler. Hilarity (obviously) ensues.

The Good: The concept screams awesomeness. And director Jared Hess (Napoleon Dynamite) knows a thing or two about making a goofy character into a beloved pop culture icon. I fully expect Nacho Libre to join such recent pantheon movie characters as Ron Burgundy, the Wedding Crashers guys and Austin Powers

The Bad: Sometimes JB can be a wee bit grating (King Kong).

The Prediction: $87 Million – Nachooooooooo brings home the gold.

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The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

The Cast: Not Paul Walker, Not Vin Diesel, some other people

The Plot: A bunch of posers in cars they could never afford drive around doing tricks that would actually get them killed, arrested or nauseous in real life. Presumably a really good white guy driver gets himself caught in the underground Tokyo racing world, and since this is Hollywood that will probably involve the Yakuza. There will probably be a hottie Asian love interest whose brother is our hero’s main rival. After beating the brother in an exhilarating car race and saving his life in the process, the brother will grudgingly accept our hero and give his blessing to date the hottie Asian love interest. These things write themselves.

The Good: Fast cars are cool. Hottie Asian love interests are cool. This franchise is, more often that not, fun to watch.

The Bad: It’s a bit disconcerting to see the stars of the franchise continually leaving to do crappier movies. Eight Below didn’t do THAT well, why couldn’t Paul Walker have come back? Maybe he knew something that we don’t.

The Prediction: $67 Million – Not so furious anymore.

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The Lake House

The Cast: The Esteemed Mr. Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock

The Plot: Keanu and Sandra get into a gimmicky romance where they spend the entire movie trying to not get together. In the end, they get together. Hope I didn’t ruin that for anyone.

The Good: Keanu is my man, and Sandra is the Queen of romance movies. Also, we know they have chemistry to beat the band (Speed) so it’s just a matter of the script being good enough to deserve the reunion of these great actors.

The Bad: The trailer was underwhelming, as was the poster.

The Prediction: $105 Million – In a summer devoid of romance, this benefits from a lack of suitable The Notebook-like competition.

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June 23rd

Click

The Cast: Happy Gilmore, Christopher Walken (!), A Christopher Walken Monologue by Christopher Walken, Kate “This time not in a full body leather jumpsuit” Beckinsale

The Plot: The Man Who Was Billy Madison watched that Michael Keaton movie Multiplicity and thought it was great and stole the idea. So this time, instead of there being multiple Sandler’s to make his life easier, there’s an all-powerful remote control that he can use to mute, pause, rewind and fast forward his life, which he gets from Christopher Walken (Who’s essentially just playing the same character he did in the Jack Black / Ben Stiller abortion, Envy.). Hottie Kate Beckinsale devamps to play his wife. Complications ensue when the remote begins to think for itself and starts taping over his copies of Little Nicky and Mr. Deeds. Hilarity (most likely) ensues.

The Good: Sandler usually delivers a solid comedy. And nothing in this world is better than a kooky Christopher Walken doing one of those monologues he’s so good at.

The Bad: When Sandler is bad (The Longest Yard, Deeds, Little Nicky), he’s downright unwatchable.

The Prediction: $126 Million – Ding ding went the trolly, Click click went the box office.

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Garfield’s A Tale of Two Kittens

The Cast: The Voices of: Bill Murray, Bill Murray’s bank account, and also Jennifer Love Hewitt

The Plot: Bill Murray realized he had a house payment due, and since his paychecks for Broken Flowers and Lost in Translation weren’t that big, he agreed to do an unnecessary sequel to a first film that didn’t even do that well at the box office. Breckin Meyer inexplicably continues to get high profile work, this time here again as Jon, Garfield’s owner. And Love Hewitt takes some time from her busy ghost whispering schedule to cameo as the hot neighbor and maybe leverage the performance into a FHM cover shoot that we all used to enjoy back in the late 90’s.

The Good: Bill Murray, despite his pension for selling out to bad Hollywood tripe (Osmosis Jones) is still one of the best comedians working today.

The Bad: This should be its own column. Let me throw out a couple just off the top of my head: Breckin Meyer sucks, the CGI Garfield is terrible, the interaction with the live-action Odie is a mess, the fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt despite her breast intentions cannot act to save her life, and that Bill Murray is doing this for the paycheck and not hiding that fact. Seems like a terrific film, doesn’t it? Makes you want to start a countdown website and build a community of fellow Garfield 2 lovers.

The Prediction: $57 Million – Put the cat in the bag and pitch it off a bridge.

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June 30th

The Devil Wears Prada

The Cast: Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Hopefully Anne Hathaway’s Twins

The Plot: Anne Hathaway (and the twins) gets a job at a fashion magazine that is definitely not Vogue (for legal reasons) and is mentored by a heinous, evil boss played by Meryl Streep as definitely not Anna Wintour (again, for legal reasons). Vincent Chase shows up sans Turtle and Johnny Drama to seduce our little Havoc star.

The Good: Hathaway is on the short list for current primetime pre-approved hotties. Meryl, when she plays evil (The Manchurian Candidate), is a ton of fun to watch. And any excuse to see Entourage cast members in other roles is good by me. Also, apparently, this is an adaptation of a best-selling book. So some chicklit fans are probably excited about that.

The Bad: The movie’s rated PG-13 so the likelihood that Anne’s gonna pull a Brokeback on us are slim to none. Since she’s not that good an actress, this does not bode well for the film’s chances to get me and every other man in the world, into the theater. They better hope our girlfriend’s are mighty persuasive.

The Prediction: $68 Million

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Superman Returns

The Cast: Not Christopher Reeves (a.k.a.Brandon Routh), Kate Bosworth, and Keyser Soze

The Plot: Bryan Singer got bored of making good X-Men movies and decided to try his hand at making a better sequel to Superman then that awesome Richard Pryor one (j/k). So he thankfully declined to cast Josh Hartnett and instead pulled some guy off a farm, stuck him in an odd, new fangled Supes suit, got Keyser Soze to come out of hiding and play Lex Luthor and then ripped the surfboard out of the Bosworth’s hands and strapped her into a Lois costume. And so now we get to see an all (badly done) CGI Superman. Apparently, in this remake / sequel / re-imagining / pretend movie where Superman 3 and 4 never happened, Supes returns to metropolis from a five year sabbatical in space to find that Lois has a kid and a fiancée, Lex is still up to no good and that bloggers have taken his job at the Daily Planet forcing him to whore