Welcome to the first monthly recap for 200Jay8, The Year of The Jay. For anyone that missed a post or two, here’s your chance to catch up before I fly headlong into the bosom of the Feb. But first, a few favs of the month.

Favorite Movie I Saw In January: Rambo.

Bloody, violent and awesome. As I read somewhere else on the interwebs, Rambo was the best movie 1986 never gave us. I can agree to that. (Though it should have been longer. I needed at least 10 more minutes of Rambo on the big artillery gun blowing away Burmese terrorists, and at least one long rambling speech that is completely unintelligable. What’s a good Stallone movie without the mumbly, tear-filled oratory? And huge biceps?)

Favorite Thing I Read: Issue #60 of Y: The Last Man

A fantastic comic series; I was sad to see it end, but appreciative of the journey it took me on. Even if you don’t read comic books, I urge you to give this a chance. Pick up the first trade book, it’ll be the best twelve bucks you spend this month. And I hope and pray they don’t eff up the movie by casting Shia LaFreakinBeouf. It should be Ryan Gosling or nobody at all.

Favorite Celebrity of the Month: Elisha Cuthbert

There’s crazy, there’s Tara Reid, there’s British Britney, there’s Gary Busey, and there’s willingly making out with Paris Hilton in a nightclub. Holy Jeebus. I knew she wasn’t right in the head when she chopped off all of her hair and started actively trying to become Kirsten Dunst (this, btdub, is the worst sequel idea to Face/Off ever!), but I never thought it would come to this. I’d kiss Natasha Lyonne before I threw down with Paris. At least you could say you snogged an indie queen. With Paris, all you can is pass the Valtrex.

Favorite Pop Culture Moment of the Month: It wasn’t Britney turning British and getting committed. It wasn’t the Cloverfield Monster (which I still haven’t seen), or the Oscar nods, and it definitely wasn’t Ennis Del Mar quitting life. It wasn’t even Peter Griffin attempting to speak Italian. No friendo’s, it was this:

So, SO brilliant.

Now, onto the recap!

• I started out the year with a never-ending recap of every 2007 post. It was so long that whole Celebritard careers were born and slayed even before the mid-point. I’m pretty sure Keanu Reeves discovered the cure for cancer somewhere during the Fall months. But that was inevitable, so I can’t take credit.

• I gave out my annual Year In Film Awards. No surprise that Harry Potter was prominently involved. Any time I hear the words “Expecto Patronum”, blood involuntarily floods my bathing suit area; even if Emma Watson isn’t involved. It’s the darndest thing.

• I questioned the intelligence behind making Marlon Wayans a G.I. Joe. But later was relieved to find that The Quaid would be leading the fight. Now HE’S a Real American Hero.

• I let you follow me around during the CES convention.

• And even showed you some awesome pictures of me awesomely looking awesome while at the thing.

• Lindsay Lohan hit on The Hulk, and the results were not pretty.

• A very important question was asked: What would you give up to save your favorite TV show?

• I introduced the world to my coverage of the 7th Season of American Idol. THIS… Is JAYmerican Idol!

• Randy, Paula, Simon & Ryan all wrote down their goals for the new season.

• Matthew McConaughey was stoked and wowed by the baby growin’ in his ladies womb (named: Tecate Miller Chill McConaughey). Also, he blessed God for evolution.

• Matty Broderick and Sarah Jessica Barbaro Parker take a leisurely gay husband and cokehead wife stroll through the streets of New York.

• Children’s fantasy author Kaza Kingsley sat down with me and I pulled out my Babs Walter master impreshe. “Kaza, do you wax your wegs?”

• The 2008 Oscar nods came out and I was bummed that my boy Ben Affleck and his lovely wife, J-Garns, got shut out.

• Heath Ledger freakin’ died! (And I am still not over it. Reading about Jake’s depression has been harrowing.)

• Nicolas Cage likes to steal tiny dogs off the street, and I’m told, one time shot Harrison Ford in the head. Bapada Boopie!

• Katherine Heigl inexplicably became a movie star without anyone asking for my permission. (Also, how in the world did she place #1 on AskMen.com’s 99 hottest women of 2008? I wouldn’t have her in my Top 50! You’re really saying girls like Marissa Miller and Megan Fox and Adriana Lima are LESS attractive than Izzie Stevens. What has this world come to?)

• Are you gonna be on you way?

• And finally, I got everyone in the mood for the return of the greatest show on Television that doesn’t involve small town Texas football or obnoxious singers being judged by booze addled former pop divas.

To quote a man who came back into my life this month in a big, violent way, “February… I’m coming for you!”

Bangarang!

JANUARY

I started the year as I always do, with the Year In Film Awards. I mused about which actors were The Most Unwatchable. I kept my ears to the Celebritard ground and heard Things Overheard on the Golden Globes Red Carpet. My numbero uno celebrity crush broke my mighty heart by getting herself knocked up (and by a grody civilian no less!). I considered the things other Celebrities Are Considering. I gave my reactions to the Oscar nominations. Jamie Foxx and I considered the Mysteries Of Life. I jotted down my Most Anticipated Movies of the year (and boy was I wrong about Numbers 15, 12, 4 and 1. Yikes, Sorkin, please go back to TV and let Tom and Julia embarrass themselves on their own.). I acknowledged a Mitzvah for Eddie Murphy. Good old consistently batshit crazy Anne Heche, the one constant in my life. I am wowed by the many inexplicable practices of nutball celebrities. And I shook my head at the possibility that uber-talented actress and current The Next, Rachel McAdams and oddly-dressed pop icon and ska-punk genre abandoner Gwen Stefani may in fact be separated at birth.

FEBRUARY

I told the world what I thought about Sarah Silverman. I mused on the first trailer of Phantom Menace-level awesomeness that is the possibility that Robin Sparkles was going to be Wonder Woman. I finally catalogued all the signs to tell that you are watching a Bad Nicolas Cage Movie. I made the revelation that the Small Wonder is kind of a slut. I did triple Sachows of joy in my head because Captain N was coming. Young adolescents in need of hot tween stars yelped for locked door joy when we found out that Hilary Duff had returned to Hottie stature. I dropped my early American Idol favs and was rewarded by my homegirl Melinda D making the Top 3 and Sanjaya becoming a crazy-haired phenomenon. There were more than 23 reasons not to see The Number 23, but I like a good cliche as much as the next online humor writer. I liveblogged the cheesy wondermints of The O.C. series finale. My ears were burning at both the Oscars and the Razzies. And I was thankful that the Die Hard 4 poster didn’t completely suck Sharon Stone balls (I even came around to the totes lame title.).

MARCH

I uncovered what goes on at a Vanity Fair Cover Meeting. I interviewed Billy Zabka. ZABKA!!! I researched the worst crimes perpetrated on movie franchises by kids. There were many. I told you all about the pop culture statements I hold to be true. For all those looking to get in shape and get famous I designed a 300-style Workout for Celebritards. The Mii Lebowski is the best Wii movie adaptation in the history of Wii movie adaptations. I interviewed the winner of Helltrack, Mr. Cru Jones! After much deliberation I finally figured out why William Shatner kicks so much ass. Despite my beautiful words, this is not how the average night at UCSB goes. There are MUCH more well-choreographed light saber fights. And I wondered about the possibilities of what Harry might be holding on the cover of Book 7 (turns out it was a big bowl of kick ass flakes!)

APRIL

I gave you just one of the 4,365 reasons why I miss Arrested Development. Here’s how the lives of some classic video game characters went after they beat their games. A movie poster tribute to the bald badass of action movies, Mr. Bruce Willis. Celebrities deduct the weirdest things on their tax forms. You’ll never guess what the best movie to watch on 4/20 actually is (HINT: It does not involve Dave Chapelle.). And I asked some questions about Messirs Corey Haim and Feldman.

MAY

I gave The CW eights kinds of shit for canceling Veronica Mars. I marveled at the ease of which Peter Jackson could command a budget the size of a small country’s GDP for his little inter-personal drama. I mean, really, was there ever any wonder that we’d eventually see Lindsay Lohan’s nipples? I still haven’t decided which format to go with, and I don’t plan to any time soon. I live-blogged the bloated but supes-sweet season finale of American Idol. And here’s a recap of my coverage of Star Wars Celebration IV.

JUNE

With Paris and Lindsay down for the count, the paparazzi had a lot of time on their hands. Me and a cavalcade of celebs heap well wishes on Julia Roberts are her new kid. And I posted my well-loved piece about my time as a Movie Line Waiter.

JULY

I gave a 21 shots of Patron salute of the hottest pre-approved hot redhead tween star who inexplicably became the Queen of celebritards and ruined her chances of a legendary career, in the history of US Weekly. Peep the site on the iPhone! There are some good excuses for Britney’s umbrella attack. These are not those excuses. i considered what types of things celebrities would transform into, if they had those powers. I upchucked part of my childhood after seeing the grosstasstically awful Alvin and the Chipmunks movie poster (I can’t believe sane people are telling me it’s a cute movie. I want to El Kabong myself in the frontal lobe). I make the Best! Simpsons Avatar! Ever! I, and only I, uncovered the REAL reason Mandy Patinkin left Criminal Minds. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape. DUMBLEDORE! On that note, what Harry Potter meant and means to The Jay. TomKat gets their groove on, I get my hurl on. And I vow never to write about the Lost Girls ever again. And I have kept my promise so far…

AUGUST

I rule against reviving canceled TV shows (unless it’s Veronica Mars). I drop a review bomb on Dane Cook’s wildly unfunny Good Luck Chuck movie poster, and guess what? He gets an F-. I clued the world onto the most important pop culture dates of the Fall. As much as I try to help, seriously, Keanu Reeves is just NOT helping matters. I filed a rushed, insensitive (though funny) report on the ailing health of The Butterscotch Stallion and later regretted it. Steven Seagal is hilariously delusional. True Story. I am McLovin. A sardonic Irish pop star who blasts celebritards online. I revealed just what really happened on Quentin Tarantino’s infamous Trans-Atlantic flight (and consequently befriended renowned screen nymph Tiffany Limos in the process. Hey, Tiff!). And I noted something the world already knew: that KT Tunstall is a cleva girl.

SEPTEMBER

Why do the Celebritards make it so easy to roundhouse kick them in their constructed faces? I offered Halle Berry some potential names for her new baby. My faves were Hit N Run Berry and David Justice Sucks Berry. I honored 9/11 the only way I know how, by lambasting celebs. Pwned, terrorists! On TheJay.com’s two year anniversary I outlined 21 Ways To Build A Better Pop Culture Blog. You know what helps make a crappy Emmy telecast better? Pictures of Kristen Bell touching Hayden Panetierre. I got my journo on when I chronicled the dubious box office achievement of Evan Almighty. Mel Gibson wishes everyone a joyous Yom Kippur. Unless you are Jewish. Then he wants you to go start another war and run Hollywood and have hook-noses. And I laid the scene down of the DUI arrest of Kiefer Sutherland.

OCTOBER

Were you aware than Benicio Del Toro likes to look pretty. I dropped my official Fall TV Schedule and Gossip Girl and FNL were the tits of the crop. I checked in on how Renee’s BitchFace recovery was coming along and was distressed by her regression. There might not be anything more we can do except to just ease her pain. I considered the box office potential of The Bucket List based solely on it’s poster. As it turns out, I was dead wrong. The movie blows and it’s tanking at the box office. I guess Rob Reiner is a bigger detraction that I thought. And a Happy Halloween from The Jay!

NOVEMBER

Were you aware that I run the Greatest Pop Culture Site Alive! Britney unleashed the most genius celebrity motto EVA! Ben Affleck Is NOT A Tool, And I Can Prove It. I drilled into the braincase of Mrs. Tom Cruise and relayed just what the one time Joey Potter was thinking as she bralessly attempted to escape captivity by running the NYC Marathon. The inevitable, but no less important, Strike post. As a favor to me, please, Support Reggie. Why does Stallone think his varnished Mahogany-bodied Reagan-era bringer of stunt-coordinated death is worthy of being compared to an ACTUAL historical icon? Take a note: He’s FABIO, bitch! I offered some runner-up excuses for all the less-attractive dude actors who lost the race for People’s Sexiest Man Alive Award to the pig-nosed Matt Damon. Ten “That’s What Se Said” Jokes about the Get Smart poster. Like I did for the third year in a row, I detailed your movie choices on Turkey Day. A photoshopped salutation from The Jay on Thanksgiving. I wondered just what in the hell is giving Keira Knightley a LemonFace. And I had some fun with the Disneyland Sign. Spoiler Alert: Tonight At The Pit, Everyone Gets Laid!

DECEMBER

There are so SO MANY things I’d rather do than go see P.S. I Love You. What kind of geek are you? I am many. In honor of the release of National Treasure: Book of Secrets, I give you even MORE signs that you’re watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. The op-ed Jericho’s out of me when discussing the Anti-God controversy surrounding The Golden Compass. When dealing with the coming together of Veronica Mars and Summer Roberts you have to re-calibrate the cuteness scale. Because G-damn, that is the cutest picture of two cute actresses taking a cute picture of two cute actresses being cute. Ten Burning Questions About Lost Season Four. As a cheap-ass way to throw some Holiday love at my peeps, I pimped everyone’s wares. I swear to jeebus I will stab the next asshalf in the thorax who whips their Blackberry out in a movie theater. I wish a muy Happy 61st Birthday to the bearded master, Steven Spielberg. And also to his low-costing mexican substitute, Steven Spielbergo. And finally, I gave you my goals for 200JAY8, The Year of the Jay.

Now let’s get 200JAY8 on!

Bangarang!

I am a giver.

I give my opinoin, wanted or not, my humor, funny or not, and my awesomeness, which is not in debate. I give myself to you dear readers, an every day act of selflessness; I open up my mindgrapes to offer you unfettered access into the bitchiest parts of my psyche. I give criticism to those who don’t need it or ask for it. I give snarky advice to those who will never hear it. I give my time to entertainment, asking in return only that it is not wasted. And I give hell when it is.

I am a giver.

I give money to the arts. I give creativity to a paying theater audience. I give kindness to celebrities in need (I’ll always have your back, Ro Do Jr.). I give Big Lebowski action figures to myself cause I’m awesome. I give hope to passionate projects that need blogger support. I give up when they make my TiVo bleed from their craptasticleness.

I am a giver.

I give love to my family and one love to my friends. I give my loyalty and respect to people who earn it, and guilt to those that piss me off. I give my eyes to the camera and my ears to the music. I give my nose to wine and my taste buds to jelly beans. And I give my junk to Claire Forlani, should she ever need it.

I am a giver, and today I give the gift of links.

As a post-Hanukkah, pre-Christmas, and present Chrismukkah present to those near and dear to me, I am posting links to projects and profiles about and for all the people in my life who happen to have ready made links to stuff on the internet. May it bring them much traffic and many fans, and may it give me a long list of people who owe me a favor. Cause you see, I may be a giver, but I am also skilled in nija art of taking. And I plan to yoink it up all through year long.

I am the givingest of givers, and here is my gift of links:

(NOTE: There is no order to this list. So don’t give me static on your placement, or I’ll boot your Katherine Heigl-ungrateful ass the hell off my 6th Best Culture Blog on the Internet.)

• If this blog ever died, I would murder Craig in his sleep and take his: HERE

• Jace is the reason I don’t write more about Television. He takes all the topics and kills them. Obviously, I hate him for this: HERE

• I found this kid off the streets of Isla Vista, brought him into the warmth of poorly funded student-run liberal arts rags, copy-edited him within an inch of his life and set him free into the wolf-infested woods of movie criticism with only a pocket knife and a copy of The Paper on DVD to protect him. Your welcome, Glenn: HERE

• Markus Flanagan is trying give this world One Less Bitter Actor (Seriously, BUY HIS BOOK!).

• Hire Jon Dabach. You pay for the craftsmanship, but you get the awesome wit for free. Free, bitches!

• Adrian is a Satin Doll. No, seriously, she’s a member of the Satin Dollz. HERE

• Erica Brauer and Kelly O’Leary get me W.E.T (I swear it’s a lot cleaner than it reads): HERE

• I dream of being as eloquent and erudite as Judy (I’m not even sure I used erudite correctly. Paging dictionary.com…): HERE

• Tamara Day has too many skills to name in just one bullet point. Girl’s a hyphenate in the truest, most kickass sense of the word. Peep her personal page: HERE

• Would you like some Fries on the Side? Go: HERE

• Jonny Green and Nar run my old haunt, NowLive.com. Catch up on the best online radio network in the galaxy, right: HERE

• Alyse Wax knows fashion, Spork-Style: HERE

• Tim isn’t just a Schultz, he’s an Evil Schultz. True story. HERE

• Barry J. Holmes takes the best pictures of me, ever. Which obviously means I love him like the Father I always have had. To see why he rules like a dumpster full of dropkicks, go: HERE

• Jessica Buttafuoco is fairly normal, considering her name. I know a LOT of fucked up Jessica’s. HERE

• I cast Kate Jackson in my first movie, but from the looks of things I should have had her man the camera. Girl can composit a frame. See why: HERE

• My boy Laboe can break it down, Kids Incorporated-style:

• Burbanked is my brother from another blogger. Remember, Burbanked born Burbanked bred Burbanked till your dead. HERE

• Kaza Kingsley is the uber-talented author of the “Erec Rec” book series, and I am honored to be interviewing her during her latest book tour in January. To read about her best-selling fantasy series, go: HERE

• Tiffany Limos is the coolest celeb I have ever made fun of then gone on to become good friends with. See her gorgeous website: HERE

• Danielle McKee is a rockstar, end of story. HERE

• Morgan Mead rocks the Clothespin (bonus points for casting me in one of his shorts and letting me work with Doug Jones. Fanboy squee!): HERE

• Audiebird wishes she were The Jay: HERE

• Bert Rotundo can retouch like a pro. He’s so good he could make House Party look like House Party 2! (Or House Party 3.) HERE

• Need headshots? Be smart, storm the Jen Castle and get it done right: HERE

• Stephanie Bentley knows when you’re bluffing.

• Jim taught me that Nobodykno.ws anything: HERE

• VickieVictoria is my favorite Boston music writer in the History of My World. And also a damn fine blogger and photographer. HERE

• Mike Galvez is a Broncos fan, but I don’t hold it against him. HERE

• Dimo brings the funny. In his bathroom.

Bathroom Rants (Halloween)

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• Kickass filmmaker Vince Grashaw is working on an upcoming cable show about a trainwreck named Todd. The show is called “Eight”. Here is one of the the personal iPhone diaries from the lead character. (for more, go HERE):

• Daniel runs the only Box Office site I check for weekend predictions: HERE

• Cast Christina Morris. Like this second. Get on that, people. See why: HERE

• Check out Mike Friedman at The Comedy Junction: HERE

• Marissa runs my all-time favorite wine bar, Alisal Cellars. Become a member: HERE

• Ravenstake makes people laugh. That’s science baby. If you want to respect science, go: HERE

• Amir Talai is hilariously buffoonish. That is all. HERE

• Addi is a SpyAnt. That is also all. HERE

• And of course, Jason IS The Jay: No link needed, cause you’re THERE, fool!

NOTE: If you are a friend of mine and I didn’t post a link for you, don’t lose your shit, I probably just forgot. Shoot me an e-mail or a text to remind me and I’ll update the post.

Bangarang!

They say August is the beginning of the dog days of summer. The time when everything slows down, too tired from the heat to do much of anything productive. Obviously, “they” have never met The Jay (down by the bay). I’m in the middle of a flurry of out-of-nowhere projects that have left me little time to write two-handed celebrity stupidity zingers. But fret not, as I have some big stuff lined up, both for TheJay.com and elsewhere. In the meantime, and with my promise not to bring up “those girls” set firmly in my mind, I thought it might be a good idea to take a step back and try something I’ve been avoiding for some time. A link post. Though I prefer writing long columns about inane pop culture, but without enough time to lovingly craft 2000 word opusi on the proper ways to hate Reese Witherspoon, pointing out some things on the net that I have enjoyed recently proves to be an easier conceit at the moment.

I may do this once a month (maybe on the 1st of every month, call it the Links of the Rent Day, or something MUCH funnier), or I may never do this again. But until my schedule clears, here’s hoping you enjoy some things that have caught my eye.

• Here’s Episode 8 of The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick, from the damn funny guys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

• A great mashup of Lost, House and 24 from esteemed comedy writer (/legend) Ken Levine.

• GOONIES ACTION FIGURES!!!!

• If you can get to the Crazy 4 Cult art show, I highly reccomend it.

• Learn about wine and fight the Oak Monster over at Wine Library TV. Say hi to my boy Gary Vay-ner-chuck while you’re there.

• Televisionary has a great round-up of all the TV panel at Comic-Con.

• You can peep the first two episodes of the great new FX drama Damages (starring hottie Rose Byrne, Sam Malone and a man dressed up as Glenn Close), over at Yahoo TV. By the way, Frobisher is fan-tastic name for a villain. Can’t believe no one’s thought of that before.

• HARRY POTTER SPOILER ALERT!!! Do NOT click on this unless you have finished Deathly Hallows. J.K. Rowling gives us the scoop on all the questions left unanswered from the HP series. A great, thoroughly satisfying chat wrap (I was dying to know the fate of the Malfoys).

• If you aren’t reading Gilbert Arenas’s NBA Blog, you are missing out.

• My older brother first made me read this, and it might be the best present he’s ever given me (I don’t count all the free suplexes and figure-four leg locks he gave me from our old childhood wrestling days. Those weren’t gifts, they wonderful little moments in time that my shrink will use to put his kid through private school.). My favorite line from this piece: “I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to “Take it easy on the brakes, Champ”!”

• Ronnie Coleman is ridonkulously ripped. Watch his YouTube clips and cry from your punyness. He has the best catchphrase of all time: “Everyone wants to be a bodybuilder, no one wants to lift this heavy ass weight!” That’s a good motto for life in general.

• McSweeney’s, while more pretentious than a double chai latte, can still occasionally bring the funny. Here’s guest writer and VH1 clip show whore Michael Ian Black’s “Complete Idiot’s Guide To Meeting People More Famous Than You“.

• In what is probably my most anticipated moment from the new Fall TV Season, CBS has put up a Slap Bet Countdown! I can’t wait to see Marshall get his “premature slapulation” revenge by dropping slap number three on the Barnacle (aka “Swarley”). Hopefully Robin Sparkles will be on hand to sing a song for the occasion.

• R.I.P. Harvey Birdman

• Finally, if you haven’t purchased your copy of Monster Squad on DVD yet, then your just a flaming d-bag of suckitude, and I don’t want you bothering coming around here. We don’t take kindly to you non-Monster Squad owning folk. Until you’ve figured out a second way to kill a werewolf, click the red “X” in the corner and be gone.

Bangarang!