G.I. Joe: The Movie stole the Batsuits from the Cookie Jar!

Bangarang!

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My power is more powerful than your power.

My funny is funnier.

I’m Scrunchy Von Scrunch Scrunch

My whoa is better than your whoa.

L-I-V-I-N!

My manly is more manly than your manly.

My talent is funnsmartandgreat.

I’m already my prepping my next reality show.

My TV show is more confusing.

I’m hotter.

I’m more annoying.

Your Oscar speech isn’t very good.

My batshit crazy is crazier than your batshit crazy.

Your cleavage owes my cleavage $20 bucks.

My jiggy smells like baby wipes.

Baby wipes?

My better.

My better.

Is better than your better.

My better is better than your better.

Thank you very much for coming.

TheJay.com SPARQ Training.

Just Bangarang It!

I recently read online that ShoWest had awarded goofy, mongoloid-y actor Brendan Fraser the Distinguished Decade of Achievement in Film award. Before I was finished reading the news bite I had already set up the template for a post. Some things in life you just can’t ignore. And when one of the most mediocre talents on the planet is given an award this dramatic, I have to immediately start sharpening my knives.

I just couldn’t understand the logic behind this decision. Was it his stellar work in Monkeybone that sealed the deal? Was it how he brought Dudley Do Right in over budget and under grossed? Was it how he deftly avoided being in good movies, to instead paint his smashed face-wagon with such TNT non-new classics as Bedazzled, Blast From the Past (even Chris Walken dancing and my OG girl Alicia looking svelte couldn’t save this movie!), and Sinbad: Beyond the Veils of the Mist (the 2nd Sinbad movie to tank so gloriously, like way to take a lead from a failed Brad Pitt/CZJ disaster there, Brendan!). Or was it perhaps his turn as a bullshit stereotypically racist white guy stereotypically resenting his bullshit stereotypically hysterical WASP wife Sandy Bullock in Crash, the bullshit stereotypical apex of bullshit stereotypical moviemaking?

No, it was for the Mummy movies, wasn’t it?

Is that all it takes now? Two big summer movies spread out over a decade of crap? I just don’t get it. But then again, this has been a weird year for star watching. Britney’s getting committed, Lindsay’s trying to stay sober, and no one even knows WHERE Paris Hilton is (though apparently Elisha Cuthbert found the business end of her gross herpes tongue). Sylvester Stallone is headlining bad ass action movies again, McConaughey is breeding (and praising evolution). Heath Ledger freaking died! People are talking about Katherine Heigl and using their nice words, and Chuck Norris tabled his efforts to make the roundhouse kick an Amendment to the Constitution and became an honest-to-god political power player!

So I guess with that in our recent present, maybe the likes of Brendan Fraser can be considered distinguished. After all, I just watched Eli freakin’ Manning throw a Sisters-in-Shawshank-style beatdown on Bridget Moynahan’s baby daddy and the Pats. At this rate, anything is possible.

You know… comparisons to Brendan’s award and Eli’s win are pretty apt. Both are mediocre talents who have experienced marginal success throughout their career (unless you count Airheads as a bonafide, which don’t), only to luck into one surprising win (the SB for Eli, the Mummy movies and Crash for Brendan). Both look like grinning idiots half the time; Brendan is that weird actor who just looks better when he’s dour. His sad face is like Robin Williams’ beard: you always know you’re watching a better movie when Fraser never cracks a smile. Because when he does you end up with The Scout (George of the Jungle is the exception to that rule, cause the movie is freaking genius – as well as being the last time I found Leslie Mann attractive.). Getting back to it, neither one deserved the win based on their actual talent (Brady is by far the superior QB, and Matt Damon should have won the award over Fraser), and once the smoke clears the reaction isn’t “OMyG, congrats on a well-deserved victory”, but instead “Really? That guy? REALLY? … OK”.

And from my end, I have no feeling towards the thing one way or the other. I’m a Dolphins fan just looking for a good game to watch and hoping that no one brings up the fact that my team choked harder this season that Blonde Ambition did in its theatrical run, and as for Fraser, he can go screw, cause I paid good money to see Looney Tunes: Back in Action and I blame that retarded nonsense on him (and eff Matt Damon like so much Sarah Silverman, I’m always rooting for Ben Affleck!).

Brendan’s latest movie (Inkheart) just got shelved for a YEAR because no one thinks it’s any good. His last passable performance was a guest spot on Scrubs, and even that victory belongs to the brilliance of John C. McGinley. And does anyone really care about a 3rd Mummy movie, especially since they replaced Rachel Weisz with Maria Bello? (Early Vegas odds on Bello dropping the line “You got a nice cock, Mummy” at some point: 7-5.). And yet his career is distinguished?

Here’s the entire list of everything positive that Brendan Fraser has ever given to the spectrum of pop culture:

• Played an awesome, straight-headed Jew who wins football games, tags Amy Locane and yells “COWARD” in the rain at Matty D in School Ties.

• George of the Jungle

• Made Joe Pesci seem tolerable in With Honors. And to a lesser extent, supported the tiny leading lady career of Moira Toepick Kelly, and gave some much-needed foodstamp money to Patrick Dempsey, during his less well-coiffed lean years.

• … ummm… sheesh… there’s bound to be something…

• Ah, got one! Ended Ricki Lake’s movie career by co-starring in Mrs. Winterbourne.

This award should have/could have gone to Matt Damon, who has nine one-hundred million dollar movies in the last decade, as well as having top-lined two huge franchises, written an Oscar winning movie, and gotten hilariously stuck on Greg Kinnear. Or Matthew McConaughey, who while stoned and smelly most of the time, has had twice the number of hits as Fraser, and is eight times more likeable despite being a lesser actor. Or Clooney, cause he’s Clooney. Or even Ben Stiller, who is equally simian-looking and equally middling onscreen, but doesn’t look nearly as down-syndrome-y when cracking a smile.

Hell, they could have given the award to Vin Diesel! He’s had three huge hits since 2000 alone, and he’s more terrible than Fraser in Looney Tunes: Back in Action (also, Vin once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.)!

So can somebody, ANYBODY, please tell me why of all the beefy, low-voiced, high foreheaded guys who happen to act well against a green screen, Brendan Fraser was the most deserving of ShoWest’s Distinguished Decade of Film Award?

And does this mean Jim Belushi should start preparing a speech for next year? Cause after Brendan Fraser, there ain’t no one more distinguished than Jim Belushi. Trust me, I’ve seen K-9. Twice!

Bangarang!

It might surprise you to learn that when I’m not anonymously lambasting celebrities online, slavishly watching each and every bad American Idol audition episode, pwning my friends in Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (I’m like Clubber Lang, I can’t be beat and I won’t be beat.), and trying not to stab idiots in the thorax who talk during movies, I actually like to read. And not that Amazon Kindle nonsense, but an actual ink on a page book. The kind of entertainment where you crack it open for the first time and smell the vinegar from the paper and the spine glue. A good book can delight me even more than an episode of Lost (even the ones that revolve around Kate being writhe-y).

Which is why when acclaimed children’s fantasy writer Kaza Kingsley (pronounced Jazz-a, not like the program we used to all use to download free Britney Spears MP3’s.) approached me to interview her during the blog tour for her new book, I happily jumped at the chance; her book series, Erec Rex, helped get me the through my Harry Potter Book 7 withdrawals. Here’s how the first book in the series, subtitled The Dragon’s Eye, is described on Amazon:

“Enter Alypium, a hidden world within our own where our old knowledge of magic is kept and strange and fantastical creatures abound. It is a beautiful and mystical place, but things are caving in. The king is hypnotized and his castle turned on its side. The very Substance that holds things together has gone awry, and whispers tell of evil plans to destroy everything. Twelve year old Erec Rex has been yanked out of the world as we know it and thrown unwillingly into this mess. As he learns how to get by in this strange world he also discovers some truths about himself … and must learn the power of trust and love in order to save his mother, and all of Alypium. In this stunning tale packed with action, humor, a colorful cast of characters, and a riveting plot, debut author Kaza Kingsley brings us into a world of danger and excitement. For Erec, it is a world that is eerily familiar and inevitably intertwined with his future. To the reader, it is a fantastic escape that shall be taken again and again.”

In short, it’s totally ninja. Book 2 in the series, The Monsters of Otherness is available in stores and in online retailers everywhere, and happens to be just as awesome as the first book. I highly recommend it.

I sat down with Kaza last week, and by sat down I mean we traded e-mails, and she was cool enough to drop some free wisdom for you, my sweet readers (For more on Kaza, peep her personal blog HERE). I was Day Fifteen in her blog interview tour. For links to all the others days, please visit her blog linked in the previous sentence.

Enjoy the interview…

The Jay: Who were your favorite authors growing up, and the people you like to read now?

Kaza Kingsley: I loved the Oz series by L. Frank Baum, and still love Alice and Wonderland Through the Looking Glass! I read such a wide variety now, just finished Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. It was great!

They’re making it into a movie, too. Leonardo DiCaprio is doing it. Love the idea that Gangs of New York is going to teach me about more effectively using my mindgrapes.

Anyway…

So did you have other influences beyond authors? Particular films or filmmakers that touched you, or TV shows you obsessed over?

There are so many. I used to take notes when I saw funny movies, try to analyze what made them funny (I know, I’m a dork.) And I’d take apart plots – I remember doing it with “Get Shorty.” I just want to know how to make them work, dissect them and piece them back together again. But I love comedy. I started writing a stand-up routine once. There is nothing that would scare me than to do a comedy routine onstage – which is why I may be drawn to it!

One film that did touch me was Imagine, the John Lennon documentary. I love that he used his fame to try to make our world a better place, and stop war. I also was affected by Supersize Me – in a totally different way!

What made you decide to write children’s books versus more adult fare?

I’ve already answered this question during another interview. To read my answer go HERE.

How much of an inspiration, or guide, to you was the Harry Potter series while you were writing the first Erec Rex novel?

I’ve already answered this question during another interview. To read my answer go HERE.

How much pressure is there for children’s fantasy writers to produce the “next” Harry Potter? Do your editors try to push you in a particular direction to achieve that result? I notice the book jacket and typeface bear a striking resemblance to the HP books.

I agree – the jacket does have that feel. On the good side, it says, “This is a fantasy book. If you liked Harry Potter, you’ll like this.” On the bad side, it could look like a Harry Potter rehash. Which it is not! I’d actually love to hear from you and your readers whether they think the covers are good or bad for the books.

As far as pressure – there is always pressure to perform, with payback in shelf space and promotions in bookstores. But I think editors are shooting more for originality than anything else.

How do you think the publishing industry can capitalize on the success the HP books had in bringing readers who rarely read? How do they keep them from choosing more “exciting” forms of entertainment?

That is the golden question. I think it will take an author with red hair . . . if only we could find one . . . (The Jay Note: I love it when my interview subjects throw me the narcissism. I respect it so much.)

The good news is that the HP craze has opened a doorway, and it’s not shutting yet. There are still masses of kids that can’t wait to get their hands on the next Stephanie Meyers book, or next Warriors book.

But can another book attain the level that HP did? My guess is that it will take the right combination of factors – but that it is possible. Hey – this is an open forum. I’d love to hear from your readers what they think it would take. Let’s all work together here to catapult Kaza to the top…

Readers of TheJay.com unite!

So tell me, is the goal of every fantasy writer to have their book made into a movie? Is that a goal of yours? Have you already cast the movie in your head?

Jay! I’m surprised at you. To suggest that the goal of every lofty-minded fantasy writer is to have their book squandered commercially! Well .. YES, it is completely the goal of every fantasy writer. (I feel qualified to speak for all of us on this issue.) There is nothing I would like more. And, yes, I will be coming up with my “dream cast” and putting it on the Erec Rex forum.

Does knowing your audience is mainly kids, teens and young adults at all force you to lighten up your text? What I mean is, do you find yourself intentionally PG-ing the action or drama, or adding unnecessary exposition to account for the attention span or reading level of your audience?

Yes – and no. It’s interesting. As I write there are times when I’ll actually have a little alarm go off: is this too offensive? Too scary? Dark or distasteful? But nine times out of ten I go with what I was originally going to say. I do avoid swear words – they really don’t add anything that can’t be said without them. That is one aspect that is definitely affected by having kids in my audience. But concepts? As long as they’re worded with “clean” language there has not been anything I’ve needed to avoid.

Luckily, in fantasy, it’s not as much of an issue as in realistic fiction. My characters aren’t getting pregnant or into drugs. It’s just not that type of story. Erec and Bethany will risk their lives, make tough choices, meet strange people … and I don’t really have to lighten that for kids. Big issues like death and why we are here are not something I avoid. On the other hand, I do try to avoid unnecessarily long words and winding sentence structure. That might make it hard for adults to read, too.

On that note, what is your goal for the series? What messages or issues are you trying to address through the life of Erec Rex.

I’ve already answered this question during another interview. To read my answer go HERE.

How many Erec Rex Novels do you see yourself writing? Is there a bible to the universe, or plan of action that you are following step by step?

There are eight – and they’re all plotted out. There is a step-by-step plan of action. I fill in a lot as I write, but I have definite guideposts on the way.

So then there must be an appendix for all the little details about the world you create, yes no? And if so, how big must that file be!

I’m so pathetic. I do – but it’s more notes scrawled on paper than an organized, alphabetized thing. Every time I write my characters into a place they’ve been before I have to recheck all the details of that place. That gets more and more time consuming with each book!

Beyond this series, what types of books do you see yourself writing?

My problem is I have too many ideas, and I want to do all of them! I am planning a cookbook for kids that has to do with my series. But I also want to write a diet book (I have a lot of ideas on the subject!) I’ve got tons of notes on two different adult novels – one of which I’m a third of the way through – if and when I get the time for them. I am planning some side books for the Erec Rex series. And I’ve got some great ideas for younger kids’ books.

Once I finish Book Three – soon – I’m going to write a side book in the Erec Rex series, and see if I have time to do a little something else before starting Book Four!

Let’s get to the superficial stuff… tell me about some of the pop culture in your life. Movies you love, TV shows you TiVo (Why do I keep hearing that you hate TV?), Music you listen to, etc.

I so no TiVo. (Who needs grammar in interviews?)

I’ve never seen The Office. What does that tell you about me? Not that I wouldn’t be willing to see it. Just don’t turn it on. That would be me, writing somewhere, instead of TiVo-ing. The TV I like best is Comedy Central’s Friday Night Stand Up. I think the bottom line is those comedians really work on their routines, and spend much more time on them than the crap that gets churned out on a daily basis by staffs of mentally exploited and thematically limited screenwriters. Comics? Their writing is their baby. They own it. If it fails, it’s them up there.

This is why I love movies and hate TV. I mean – I could be wrong. And there have been – and are shows I love. Never missed a Seinfeld episode. But when I go to a movie, I get the feeling that this was someone’s baby. A lot of people worked really long and hard on what I’m going to see in the next two hours. Tons of takes were done for each scene. Crap was cut. Risks were taken. It’s premium time. Okay, I’m a purist, I guess. I love tons of movies, all types. Loved Bowfinger by Steve Martin – that humor was right up my alley! I just saw Charlie Wilson’s War – it was great. I could go on and on…

Music – I’ve been getting into Blue October lately. Love Jack Johnson and Ben Folds. I have a pretty wide taste in music. Just wish I got to see more live!

And, it’s a book, but I enjoy Chuck Klosterman’s pop culture essays and books. He’s hysterical.

Hating on the TiVo? You’re killing me Smalls!

Totally random question: What would your American Idol audition song be?

Right now? Jack Johnson’s Banana Pancakes or Cocoon. But I’d need JJ to sing with me. His voice would be like my instrumental accompaniment. Would that count? Hey, JJ – if you’re out there – I think we got a great idea here…

And the final and most important question…

Tell me how much you love TheJay.com and why you have to read it every single day.

TheJay.com? What’s that?

Just joking, of course. Because reading TheJay.com every day is a requirement, even though you only post about once a week. Let it go on the record that seeing your stunning countenance on a daily basis is a basic necessity for not just me, but for all women, everywhere. Those who have not yet been introduced to The Jay have not yet awoken, but lay dormant, waiting for that precious moment where they first lay eyes on you.

But, bottom line, I like your sense of humor. That’s what I really like. Apart from your smoldering eyes, of course.

They do smolder. This is a true story.

P.S. I love ending interviews with my subjects telling me how awesome I am. So with that, I implore you all to head on over to the official Erec Rex website and learn yourself an education on the wonderful world of Kaza Kingsley.

Bangarang!

Click the pic to enlarge!

For the record, I’m an amalgam of the following geeks: Bargain Bin, Jedi, Indy, Nintendo, Harry Potter, Sports, Film, Fitness, Drama, Fantasy Football, TV and Geek (Geek). As well as a geek in the non-represented areas of TiVo, Disneyland, Wine, DVD, Web, Trivia and Porn (there’s more of us Porn Geeks than you could ever imagine).

H/T to Scott Johnson for posting this. Buy the poster, or a snapshot of an individual geek HERE.

Bangarang!