Miscellaneous Pop Culture

Time For The Internet’s Favorite Game: HAND OR PAW!!!

Oct 27th, 2008

Welcome to another edition of HAND OR PAW!!!

I am your host The Jay!

Welcome to “Hand or Paw” the game where we show you an appendage and you decide if it’s a celebrity hand or an animal paw.

With me as always is my intimidating co-host: Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom. How you doing Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom?

How DARE you, sir!

Uh… OK! That’s our Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, always giving our show inspiration and motivation.

Without further ado… Let’s start today’s game!

Today’s game feature’s two rounds and one bonus round. Remember, I will show you a picture of an appendage and you tell me if it is the hand of a celebrity or the paw of an animal!

Are you ready?

Here is your first appendage:

There’s the image. Now…

HAND

PAW

???

…

If you guessed “PAW”, you are CORRECT:

That is the paw-like appendage of newly crowned Indie Queen Kat Dennings. When she’s not running around New York City and falling in love with George Michael Bluth, Kat Deeley can be found in various rivers and streams grabbing salmon right out of the water. We also hear she’s in preliminary talks to do be the CGI model for Baloo in a remake of The Jungle Book.

Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, what did you think of that round:

You find that man! You FIND THAT MAN!

Riiiiight. OK!

It’s time for Round Two, where all the points are worthy double!

Here is your Round Two appendage:

HAND

PAW

???

…

This is a hard one. I’ll give you a few more minutes to come up with an answer. Is it the preternaturally large hand of a rotund comedian? Could it be the hairless paw of a giant dog? Or maybe it’s Cameron Diaz? Who knows?

Time to find out. We showed you an appendage, and we asked you: HAND or PAW?

If you said… “PAW”… you are INCORRECT! It’s actually a HAAAAAND!!!

Show them that hand:

That’s right, it’s the hand of former fictional hand model George Costanza. That was a tricky one.

Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, did you know that was a hand?

GET OFF MY PLANE!

Not really on your plane there, HFFPoD. You’re actually on MY game show. But that’s OK. You’re still the best. You still excite the contestants and scare the audience. Your righteous first digit commands respect, and I am only too happy to give it.

What do you say we go straight to the BONUS ROUND?

In the Bonus Round we give you a TRULY difficult “Hand or Paw” question, and give everyone out there a chance to steal the game. We’re throwing out the points and making this question worth the whole game. Are you ready? Yes?

Then let’s play HAND or PAW!!!

Your Bonus Round appendage, for all the marbles:

As always, we’re looking for you to decide if it’s a

HAND

PAW

???

Do do do do, dododo, do do do do DO, dododododo, do do do do, do do DO! DO DO!

OK contestants, we’ve had a remarkable game so far. An actual bear paw on a celebrity. A hand on what could be a human animal. And now this mysterious appendage. I’ll be honest, even I don’t know the answer to this one. I’m going to read the card and be just as surprised by you.

It’s time for the moment of truth! The Bonus Round answer of HAND OR PAW! And the appendage is…

OH MY GOD! It’s a trick question! It’s neither a hand or a paw, but instead, the gnarled witch claw of noted celebrity vampire Kirsten Dunst!

An AMAZING twist!

Gotta stay on your toes when you play this game. Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, did you have ANY idea that was really the gnarled witch hand of noted celebrity vampire Kirsten Dunst?

THAT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!

So do you! And thank you again for ignoring my question. …jeez, maybe we should replace you with Nicolas Cage’s Maimed Wood Hand from Moonstruck. He’s just as annoying, but at least he can carry on a conversation.

Anyway…

This has been an AMAZING show. Surprises at every turn. We hope you’ve enjoyed it. So for Harrison Ford’s Finger Point of Doom, I’m your host, The Jay, saying if it’s not a hand or paw, it’s an entirely different game.

See you next time on HAND OR PAW!!!

Bangarang!

The Central Fallacy of the Walk and Talk

Oct 1st, 2008

by Jason Matthews.

No comments yet

You’ve all seen the scene. It’s a bustling office; extras speeding around trying to look busy, ambient work noise cranked to eleven, the camera on a dolly catching all the “realistic” action. And then in comes our hero.

He strides through the office takes charge. High-fiving random co-workers, saying hello to secretaries, taking care of phone messages, booking meetings, quelling crises, doing push ups and flirting with the hottie female lead all before he even gets to his desk. We’re meant to think he’s the King of his Urban Jungle, able to take on all comers and handle all problems. And we do think that. Because all that in-control action is fun to watch.

But last night, as I was introducing a friend to the West Wing, I noticed something: everyone is in the office BUT our hero. Doesn’t that make him, I don’t know… LATE FOR WORK???

How is he never punished for walking in after EVERYONE has already begun work. Sure, the boss is allowed to be late on occasion, but if he’s the central most important figure in the office, shouldn’t he be there FIRST?

Check out Leo McGarry, walking and talking through the West Wing. Every other cast member has already dug in and gotten productive. But our Chief of Staff? Strollin’ it at his leisure:

Mad Men is making hay with this right now. McConaughey is FAMOUS for doing it in his romcoms. Tom Cruise made his lazy walk and talk name in Vanilla Sky. Michael Keaton owned in it The Paper. Eva Mendes made me vomit doing it in Hitch. And countless other stars have performed the late walk in.

Again, I get that it makes them look cool and in charge. But really? They’re just late for work and trying to look cool to distract people from noticing. And at least for me, it ain’t working.

I mean really, set some alarms, people.

Bangarang!

Things Overheard During Tori Spelling’s 90210-Remake Contract Negotiation

Aug 12th, 2008

by Jason Matthews.

1 comment

Tori is not the star of the new 90210. The Scene: The producers of the awesome slash nauseating 90210 remake meet with Tori Spelling to consider raising her per episode salary (owing to her vital importance, obvs).

The Players: Producer 1, Producer 2, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling’s Rack of Beef with a Thumprint aka Tori’s Boobs

INT. 90210 PRODUCTION OFFICE – HOLLYWOOD – DAY

Two Producers pick at their miso salads, fiddle with their iPhones and worry about the budget for the new 90210.

PRODUCER 1: The wax budget is way over estimates. I mean, I knew it would be high going in, what with the CW “No Hair, Anywhere” mandate, but this is outrageous!

PRODUCER 2: We could make them just shave?

P1: Are you insane? Have you ever looked at a browline on HD?

P2: Why would I have ever looked at a browline on HD?

P1: This is why you’ll never be Producer 1. Alright, so where can we take some money from other areas?

P2: Oh, I know, we could take some from the Doherty Emergency Fund.

P1: SHHHHHH!!! Are you nuts, man! She could have this place bugged! One whiff of relaxation on that girl and she could take us all down. I swear, if that pyscho bitch wasn’t flat out BRINGING IT in dailies, I’d strangle her with my iPhone charger wire.

P2: You know, we are due to bump Tori’s salary. We could just… not.

P1: That… that is flat brillz, kid! You may yet make a fine Producer. OK, let’s bring the potato face in and drop the news. And when we do, try not to laugh directly at her. $50k an episode for Tori Spelling??? And they say there’s no humor left in the world.

A few minutes later…

Tori Spelling walks in. The average hotness in the room drops by 2.5 LA points.

TORI SPELLING: Hey guys! So good to see you. Before we get started, I just wanted to thank you for being so great and producing such a wonderful show. My father would be really proud.

P1: Thanks, Tori! We appreciate it. Don’t know why your Dad would like a teen soap opera, but I guess if you’re in it, he has to, right?

TS: Well, guys, my dad is Aaron Spelling.

P1: …

P2: …

P1: Is he, like, an accountant, or something?

TS: No, he was Aaron Spelling. He produced the original version of the show. He also did The Love Boat and Charlie’s Angels.

P2: Oh, I love that movie. Lucy Lui gets my noodle stiff. … that was an Asian joke.

TS: The show, not the movie.

P2: There was a show of that?

TS: Yes, back in the 70′s.

P2: There was TV in the 70′s? So… That 70′s Show wasn’t a joke, then? I’m so confused. Here I thought Ashton Kutcher was creating that role from his own genius mind, but now I see he was just reading a script. Well that blows. Ashton Kutcher… just an actor. I don’t… ugh! My day is fucking shot.

P1: Alright everybody, let’s all just calm down. Ashton is still fantastic and dreamy and Tori, I’m sure your Dad was a fine producer. Let’s get down to business.

TS: Yes, please. Dean’s at home with the new baby and I want to get home early for some family time.

P1: That’s very sweet. You’re a truly wonderful Mother. We’ll try to get you out of here real quick. So we’re here today to talk about your salary.

TS: Yes, I believe we had a verbal agreement to match Jenni and Shannen’s salary.

P1: That we did.

TS: And I know they’re making about $50k an episode, where as I’m only making $20k. So I’d like a raise, as per our deal.

P1: No.

TS: Excuse me?

P1: No. Sorry, we won’t be paying you that extra money.

TS: But, but you owe it to me. You said!

P1: I say a lot of things, but I don’t thing I’d ever say yes to paying you $50,000 per episode. That’s insanity.

TS: We had a deal!!! You’re supposed to match my salary!

P2: Ah, but you see, we are. Tori, we’re only paying Shannen $20k, the other 30 is for a Disaster Relief Fund.

TS: Aww, you’re giving money to charity in her name?

P2: No, we’re the Disaster Relief Fund. It’s in case she tears the set down, or suffocates someone with a Craft Service veggie platter.

TS: That doesn’t sound right.

P1: And with Garth, well, she’s a blonde, she doesn’t know numbers very well. She thinks 20 IS 50.

TS: I’m blonde, what’s that supposed to mean? That I’m dumb?

P1: …

P2: …

P1: Look, we’re just telling you the “facts”.

TS: With all due respect, that sounds weird to me. I’m gonna call them and get the truth.

She dials Jennie Garth.

JENNIE GARTH: Hello, this is Jennie Garth, how can I help you?

TS: Jennie, hey, it’s Tori!

JG: Who?

TS: Tori! Tori Spelling?

JG: Peter, is that you? Are you playing a joke on me? You know I don’t find that gag funny anymore. Now I’m gonna have bad dreams tonight!

TS: Jennie, this isn’t your loser husband. It’s TORI!

JG (with fake Spanish accent): Oh. Um… sorry, no habla ingles!

TS: Jennie, you were just speaking English.

JG (with fake Spanish accent): No Jennie Garth here. Bye bye now.

TS: What the heck is going on? I’ll try Shannen.

P2: Oh God, here we go…

P1: I wish I had told my wife that I loved her, this morning.

Tori dials Shannen Doherty. The temperature in the room suddenly drops 10 degrees.

SHANNEN DOHERTY: I WILL GIVE YOU THE EBOLA VIRUS BY SPITTING IN YOUR EAR, GOOD HELL, WHAT BITCH??????

TS: Um… hey, hi, Shannen. Didn’t mean to disturb you. Just wanted to ask you a quick question.

Beat.

SD: Aw, of course, sweetie. I’m always here for you. What do you need?

TS: I’m here with the producers, and-

SD: Are those rascals giving you a hard time. Such pishers!

TS: I know, right? Ha ha! Well, we’re having a discussion about my salary; I’m supposed to be making the same amount as you and Jennie, and they’re telling me I am, but it doesn’t sound like it.

SD: Oh, honey, sorry no, you’re not making as much as Jenni. We’re making the same, though. More than half my reported salary goes to pay the insurance agency, in case I tear the set down, or suffocate someone with a Craft Service veggie platter. …still working on my anger issues, you see.

TS: But shouldn’t I be making as much as Jenni.

SD: Oh, babe, absolutely not. You’re ugly and lame and nobody cares that you’re on the show.

TS: I thought you were supposed to be working on your anger issues.

SD: I’m not angry, just telling the truth. If I was angry, I’d tell you to cook a fucking turkey burger with that meat slab you call your tits and don’t forget to put some extra cheese on that shit. But look, love, I have to run. The valet is taking longer than 15 seconds to bring me my car so I need to stick my house keys into is right kidney. Kisses!

TS: I just don’t understand. I’m Tori Spelling. I’m Donna Martin. I’m worth the money.

P1: No, you’re not.

TS: I have two best selling books.

P2: Books? Yeah, I don’t… know what that is.

TS: I have a hit reality show on Oxygen, for goshsakes!

P1: Oxygen? What is that? Like, a new show on ABC? What time slot?

TS: No, it’s a cable network.

P2: On American Cable? It’s not one of those Japanese Game Shows? I like seeing people fall down!

TS: It’s a burgeoning American Cable Network! And the season finale of my hit show just broke ratings records. We got a .6!!!! I am a beautiful, talented actress. I’m a star!

P2: You’re a fugly Mom with shaky dialogue skills on a foreign cable Reality show.

P1: That being said, we love having you on the show! You’re doing a great job.

Beat.

TS: I quit.

P2: We’re very sorry to hear that. It’s been great working with you. All the best to your Dad.

TS: He’s dead.

P2: …awkward. Love to your Mom, then!

TS: We’re not speaking at the moment.

P2: Youch.

TS: You guys are horrible! I bet you wouldn’t treat Tiffani Thiessen like this!

P1: OMG! Did she say something about me? Does she think I’m cute! Cause I will divorce my wife for Tiffani in a second, I swear it!

P2: Think we can get her on the show now that we have some extra salary money?

P1: Kid, now you’re thinking like a Producer!

TS: Doesn’t anybody love Tori Spelling?

Bangarang!

Pink Finds Serious Love

Aug 8th, 2008

by Jason Matthews.

1 comment

Pink and Yahoo Serious are still a better looking couple than Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy.

In relationship news, Pink, the notoriously guy-style V-stomached musical artist and singer of pop songs so frustratingly catchy they make you want to reverse puke, has found new love in the arms of former Has Been-Never Was cult actor Yahoo Serious. Serious, the Australian comedian last seenn not bothering pop culture in any way shape or form, has apparently stolen the heart of the pop temptress. Sources close to the singer say that the duo are “serious”, no pun intended, and are considering taking their relationship to “the next level”.

Candidly staged pictures of the pair are rumored to be floating around wire services, waiting for anyone at all to care enough to place a bid on them.

Pink and Serious met randomly at a Banana Republic outlet, each looking for the perfect beanie to wear for the Fall, for those days when they wake up late for work and don’t have the requisite three hours to tease, or the bite grip necessary to withstand the voltage from the bathroom power outlet. From there, love blossomed.

The twosome are currently canoodling in Pink’s Brentwood home, and are spending their time walking on the beach in Malibu, searching for antique VHS copies of Young Einstein and doing their best to duck under the Clearance Bar in low-bearing underground parking garages.

No word yet on the future for the happy couple, but all evidence seems to indicate that if they can stay happy together, and with their hair and matching look of surprise they would be hard-pressed to look sad, that a wedding could potentially be in the offing.

More news on this story as it comes in…

And in a related story, Yahoo Serious announced today that he likes to fuck dudes.

Bangarang!

Things Overheard During Shannen Doherty’s 90210-Remake Contract Negotiation

Jul 3rd, 2008

by Jason Matthews.

5 comments

Shannen Doherty is back on 90210 The Scene: The producers of the awesome slash nauseating 90210 remake consider bringing back the old cast. Realizing the amazing potential of a Brenda Walsh resurrection, they take their life in their hands and call up Shannen Doherty.

The Players: Producer 1, Producer 2, Shannen Doherty, the right side of Shannen Doherty’s face and one centimeter higher, the left side.

INT. 90210 PRODUCTION OFFICE – HOLLYWOOD – DAY

Two Producers sip lattes, type on their Blackberry’s and look at headshots of the original cast of Beverly Hills, 90210.

PRODUCER 1: I say we bring them all back. The fans would love it!

PRODUCER 2: I say you’re an idiot and fuck the fans! Besides, it’s not even possible. We can’t lift the network ban on Priestley and Luke Perry is too busy doing Hallmark Channel movies.

P1: Ian Ziering is available.

P2: Does he still have the mullet?

P1: You know it, but don’t worry we can flat-iron it down to a Jewfro. That look is in!

P2: Is he still married to that hot Playmate?

P1: No, she dropped his mullet-y ass. But kept the last name, if you can believe it.

P2: If he can’t bring her by the set for me to harass, then forget it.

P1: What about the B.A.G.?

P2: Are you nuts? He’s not coming back! If you were starring in a kick ass action show and going home to Megan Fox every night would you agree to come back to the 9er on The CW and make out with Tori Spelling again?

P1: Sorry, what? I stopped paying attention after you said “Megan Fox”. The B.A.G. must be packin something major. (sigh)

P2: So who else is left?

P1: Gabs Carteris

Producer 2 vomits in his mouth a little.

P2: I just vomited in my mouth a little.

P1: So it’s just gonna be Jenni and Tori, then?

Pause.

P2: …make the call.

P1: No.

P2: Yes.

P1: But why?

P2: Do you seriously think we can get away with remaking 90210 and NOT have her in it? We gotta bunch a kids on our show, totally fuckable, but who gives a shit about them? We got Lori Loughlin, easily the homeless person’s Heather Locklear. And Rob Estes isn’t setting the world on fire. 90210 IS the old cast! And if you think for one goddamn second that today’s audience will stomach Tori Spelling for 44 minutes every week than you’re dumber than a Jerry O’Connell sitcom. Girl’s got a face like a down syndrome-y Walrus.

P1: But sir, I mean, we can’t. She’s…. she’s… she’s evil, sir!

Shannen Doherty is back on 90210 P2: She’s Brenda fucking Walsh. Make the call.

Producer 1 crosses himself. Dials the number.

SHANNEN DOHERTY: GODFUCKINGDAMNIT, WHAT?

P2: Shannen, babe, hi, it’s the guys at the new 9er. Got a minute to talk remake?

SD: I’M BUSY SLITTING TIRES, ASSDOUCHE! YOU DON’T JUST CALL SHANNEN DOHERTY AND EXPECT HER TO BE FREE! I’ll call you back in ten.

Three hours later.

Producer 1 dials Shannen again.

SD: DIE OF AIDS, BITCH, WHO IS THIS?

P1: Um, Shannen, hey, it’s us… again. Thought you were gonna call us back.

SD: DON’T YOU TALK BACK TO ME, SHITDICK! That’s a violation of my contract. I’m walking off this project right fucking now!

P1: Shannen, we don’t have you under contract for anything.

SD: Dammit, I’m talking to you for free? I WILL GUT MY AGENT’S MOTHER!

P2: Shannen, listen, we’re re-doing 90210 and we’d like you to consider coming back and playing Brenda again.

SD: Why are we talking about this? That old bastard Spelling is dead. I should know, I put him in the ground myself.

P1: We’re doing it without him, may he rest in peace.

SD: And you want Shannen Doherty back on your show? Well, what took you so fucking long, SNATCHFUCKS! I coulda told you I was necessary. Audiences can’t stomach Tori for 44 minutes a week. Girl’s got tits like semi-frozen Wendy’s hamburger meat.

P2: So are you interested?

SD: I AM INTERESTED IN YOU SUCKING MY DICK! Listen up and listen good, DICKBRAIN, you need me more than I need you. I’m doing fucking super with my career. Have you seen my Reality show, Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty? I break bitches up and cause pain and misery in otherwise happy people. I’m finally getting paid to do what I’m good at.

P1: Shannen, we love you, we think you’re great. You’re the key to this show. Everybody knows it. We have BIG plans for Brenda.

SD: Yeah? That’s good, cause I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS! I am great. And I am the key to the show. So what you need to have BIG plans for is my salary. I’ll start thinking about coming back when you do one thing for me. It’s a Shannen Doherty motto. Four words, here they are. PAY. ME. MY. MONEY. PAYMEMYMONEY! And also I want Alyssa Milano killed.

P1: What? But she’s so pretty and funny! And her manly arm hair is so endearing!

Shannen Doherty is back on 90210 P2: Shannen, Alyssa won’t be on the show.

SD: I give a fuck! Make her dead and we can talk.

P2: OK. We’ll… um… work on that. So six figures per episode and we’ll give you the prestigious “and” credit. Anything else?

SD: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING ELSE, YOU MONIED FUCK! I’m SHANNEN DOHERTY. I will not shoot any scenes with Jennie Barf. If I see her, Imma break a prop bottle off on her face.

P1: But she’s a Mom!

SD: She should have thought about that before stealing Dylan while I was in France fucking Reek. The only way I’m doing a scene with her is if she’s covered in shit, while I’m in head-to-toe Prada, which I will keep, and licking the sweat off of Michael Vartan’s abs. And I don’t mean random shit, either, I mean actual human fecal matter.

P1: You want to put human poo on her?

SD: Not just any poo. MY POO! Revenge is a dish best served DOHERTY!

P2: Um… we’ll shoot you guys separately.

SD: I don’t want to shoot with ANYBODY, get it! I do my best work by my damn talented self!

P1: But we need to shoot you with, somebody.

SD: IT’S CALLED BLUESCREEN, DOUCHEMORON! It’s how we shot my last season of Charmed after I roofied Combs, and it worked just fine.

P2: We’ll make it happen.

SD: And I want every shot of me tilted at nine degrees counter clockwise or I will take a bat to the Director’s children.

P1: Nine degrees? I don’t get it. You want to be crooked?

SD: My face is crooked, MOTHERFUCKER! IT’S TO BALANCE IT OUT! THANKS FOR GIVING ME A COMPLEX ABOUT IT, TWATSCAR! I SWEAR, IF I SEE YOU ON THE STREET I WILL RUN YOU DOWN LIKE YOU’RE A PUBLICIST WHO BOOKED ME SECOND ON CONAN, BEEYAHOTCH!

P2: Shannen, your wild asymmetry is beautiful. We’ll get each side of your face an Emmy nomination. Hell, I’ll personally get the gap in your front teeth a Cable Ace Award, just come and do the show.

SD: FUCK YOU! Fine, I’ll do it.

P1: Oh, thank God!

P2: Super! That’s great, Shannen. We really appreciate it. Just one thing we’re gonna need from you. It’s small, but we can’t get the network to sign off on you without it.

SD: This better involve you giving me free cigarettes.

P2: We’re gonna need you to stay out of trouble and be nice to the cast and crew.

SD: WHAT THE GOOD GODDAMN HELLFUCK WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM, YOU PRESUMPTUOUS TAINTLICK?

P1: You used to be kinda of notorious for that.

SD: Did you just say I was like Tori?

Shannen Doherty is back on 90210 P1: No.

SD: I WILL FEED YOUR BALLS TO MY SHITZU AND THEN PUT HIM IN A WOODCHIPPER JUST TO SPITE YOU!

P2: This is what we’re talking about, Shannen. You can’t behave like this if you’re gonna do the show.

SD: Am I really so bad?

P1: You’re EVIL!

SD: Oh dear, I… I didn’t know. I’ve been so famous for so long that I guess I just forgot how to behave with regular people. I’m a nice person, I really am. Everything that happened back in the 90’s, that was all nonsense from a stupid child on a power trip. Truth is, my career is in the toilet. My reality show got canceled, no one will hire me, hell, even Ziering is doing better than me. Truth is, I really need this job. If I didn’t say it before, let me say it now: thank you. Thank you. You’re saving me. And I won’t ever forget it.

P2: You’re very welcome, Shannen. We can’t wait to work with you. We’ll see you on set Monday at 8 am.

SD: GET FUCKED, ASSCLOWN, I’LL BE THERE AT NOON OR I WON’T BE THERE AT ALL!

P2: It’s great to have you onboard!

FADE OUT

Bangarang!

The Dubious Box Office Achievement of Jumper

Jun 27th, 2008

by Jason Matthews.

4 comments

There are times in life when you can see the train coming, know you should jump out of the way, but find you can do nothing to avoid the gruesome inevitability.

Jumper is Dubious Last fall I documented Evan Almighty’s fishy $100 million box office gross; using box office statistics and a fair amount of common sense, I proved that the grosses for the film were artificially inflated to ensure the film reaching the industry standard century mark. This incident was not the first time, and I can assure you, is far from the last time, this kind of financial tampering will occur.

I can provide that assurance because I’m about to prove it happened again last weekend.

(I already went into the reasoning behind box office tampering in my Evan Almighty post, so we’re going to jump (heh) straight to the delicious dubiousness this time.)

On Valentine’s Day 2008, Jumper, the poorly received, poorly acted, poorly marketed sci-fi action craptacular was foisted on the general public. Starring a chunk of oak that has come to be called “Hayden Christensen”, uber-hottie Rachel Bilson, the Billy Elliot guy and the re-animated corpse of Samuel L. Jackson’s talent, the film was expected to launch a potential franchise. A cool concept, a well-regarded director, a (somewhat) hip cast and flashy special effects usually portend such an event (worked for The Matrix).

(By the by, the movie was good for exactly three things: 1. Continuing Hayden’s legendary streak of banging onscreen the hottest actresses in the world, 2. Paying off Sam Jackson’s 2008 Pebble Beach Country Club dues, and 3. the shameless plug on American Idol where Hayden and Ryan Seacrest attempted to outact each other, a cinematic moment unmatched in its brilliance by anything ever committed to celluloid. The Hayden/Seacrest tete-a-tete wipes its ass with Citizen Kane. On the real.)

Initially, all signs pointed to this studio wish coming true. Against all logic, the film grossed $27 million in its opening weekend. That, despite whore-rific critical reviews so bad I’m surprised the Razzie people haven’t ALREADY given them the 2008 Worst Picture Award (The film has a 16% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. To put that number into perspective, Hayden’s previous movie, Awake, the stupid beyond all measure “guy stays awake through surgery, but hey, in one scene you get to see Jessica Alba’s bare back, so you know you’re at least gonna YouTube that shit” thriller, received 24%.). Inexplicably surviving the thunder storm of “DON”T GO SEE JUMPER”, the film had a relatively solid ten-day gross of $56 million.

After one month in release, Jumper had grossed $75 million. But the legs were dying. Week-to-week grosses were dropping 50%; the chance the film would end its run north of $80 million were lowers than Hayden’s chances of ever becoming a “real live boy”! Unfortunately, 20th Century Fox had dumped too much money into the film, so no matter what, Jumper was reaching $80 million. You can’t justify a franchise launch at $79 million, but 80, you can make a brand with 80.

And that’s the moment I started paying attention.

Let’s take a look at the timeline for Jumper’s trainwreck run to 80 (all this info can be found: HERE):

Feb. 14 – Jumper opens. On 3,402 screens, the film grosses $6.6 million.

Mar. 15 – After 31 days in release, Jumper has grossed $75 million.

Mar. 28 – Jumper crosses the $78 million mark. At this rate, the film should cross the $80 mil mark in just under 35 days.

May 3 – 35 days later, the film is stalled at $79.43 million. This is the film’s 80th day of release. It is only on 141 screens and it’s gross for the day was $38,313.

May 13 – After 90 days in release, Jumper has grossed a modest $79.62 million.

Flash forward to…

June 13 – One month later, Jumper has grossed only $267 thousand in 30 days (this day’s gross – because it will be important later – $6,389 on 27 screens). At this rate, the film should theoretically break eighty million in about three more weeks. But here’s the problem: on June 10th, Jumper was released on DVD.

Jumper is Dubious Now, usually a film is LONG GONE from cinemas by the time it is released on home video. So why is Jumper still in theaters? The film has been out for four full months. Its grosses have obviously stalled. Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk and Indiana Jones 4 are all in the marketplace. And the movie sucks. So who is going to see this movie? Especially when they can save the crazy expensive gas, not to mention an extra five bucks, by renting the damn thing!

At this point, is there ANY doubt a dubious weekend box office jump is on the horizon?

So here’s where the fun starts…

June 19 – Jumper grosses $1,446 on 27 screens. This number is in line with every Thursday number during the course of the film’s second leg.

June 20 – On Jumper’s 128 day in theaters, having been available on DVD for 10 FULL DAYS, the film boosts its theater count to 105 screens and grosses… wait for it… wait for it… $50,715!!!!!!!!! Let’s put that INSANE number into perspective, shall we?

- $50,715 is Jumper’s highest one-day gross since April 19th, the film’s 66th day of release! On that day, the film was in 200 screens. So how did the film gross 80% of that number in half the screens, a full TWO MONTHS LATER?

- The last day Jumper was in 100 plus screens on a Friday was May 9th, when the film grossed $42,165 on 124 screens. So how did the film gross $8k more in 22 less screens FORTY-TWO DAYS LATER???

- One week before, the film grossed $6,389 on 27 screens. By doing simple math, one week later, the film should have grossed around $24k. So how does one account for the film DOUBLING that number?? How does the entire industry not question the film showing a 3,407% increase in day-to-day box office?

And it gets better!

June 21 – Jumper grosses $65,520 on its 29th day of release, to FINALLY cross the all-important $80 million box office plateau.

Jumper is Dubious

- That number is a 30% increase from the ludicrous gross of the day before.

- The film has grossed more than $100k in just two days, when it needed TWENTY-FIVE days to hit the last $100k.

- For the weekend, Jumper grosses $141,164, good enough for 22nd place in its 19th weekend. It beats the Harold & Kumar sequel, even though that film had been in theatres ten weeks less, and was showing on HALF the number of screens.

- It grosses only $6k less than Horton Hears A Who, even though that film had been in theatres three weeks less, was showing on 150 more screens, and had grossed nearly DOUBLE more than Jumper!

HELLO? Anybody? Bueller?

What is going on? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

One last bit of perspective…

- Star Wars: Episode 2 – Attack of the Clones, on its 129th day of release grossed $92,364 on 236 screens. By this token, had Jumper been in 236 screens it would have OUT-GROSSED STAR WARS!

It is not fathomable the whole of America suddenly became enamored with Hayden Christensen, so what gives? Where did this new money come from? Who is still seeing this movie? Did $141k worth of people start seeing ads for the DVD and decide that even though they hadn’t bothered to see the movie in theatres anytime in the last four months, NOW was the time to capitalize? Somebody please tell me, cause I went to college, majored in Film Studies and have spent untold hours on Box Office Mojo and I can’t explain it.

And what’s more, Jumper has grossed an average of $24k every day this week! The last Wednesday Jumper grossed $24k before yesterday was April 2nd, TWO AND A HALF MONTHS AGO!!! It’s now on pace to top $81 million, a figure that was the climax of director Doug Liman’s frenetically placed, but awesome to watch, wet dreams only seven days ago.

But hey… maybe audiences are just catching up on Spring movies. Maybe these numbers can be explained by a lack of action movies in theaters. Maybe people just really want to see Rachel Bilson’s crazy adorable squirrel face on a 30-foot screen (and who would blame them?). Or maybe the film is just better than I remember. Well… maybe not that last one.

Whatever the reason, SOMEthing is suspicious about these numbers. SOMEthing was fudged. SOMEone did something to make it happen. If Fox really needed the extra $141k in order to justify greenlighting a sequel that probably won’t gross $70 million anyway, I guess this was the right move. But i don’t know… the film did well internationally. Worldwide, Jumper has grossed a robust $221 million against an $85 million budget. With home video and ancillary money, that spells profit in any language. So why go to such dubious lengths to ensure an $80 million domestic box office gross?

And the best part about all of this? Jumper hit its dubious box office achievement the same weekend that Steve Carrell, he of the last dubious box office achievement, opened his new Summer movie! You have to love that kind of serendipity.

Sometimes you can see the train coming, because its already come before. And hey, the conductor looks awfully familiar.

Bangarang!

Word(le) Up!

Jun 26th, 2008

by Jason Matthews.

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For a writer, words are a special thing. We like to read them, write them, make them up (pwnage, anyone?), expound on their meaning, spell them pourly, pretend we know how to put the bigger ones in context, and we really like to degrade them (Yo brosef, that whip be ma steez = vomit). But what we LOVE… what we love is to look at them.

And now a website has given us a super sweet way to do just that.

Wordle is a website designed around creating Word Clouds. You paste a bunch of random words or phrases into a text box, hit “Go” and watch as the site makes art of words. You can customize font, color and layout. It’s pretty much the best thing since ever.

Especially for a narcissist. Check it:

Wordle