My official sleeper hit of the summer!

Bangarang!

OK, first off, let me just say this, so we can all be on the same page: I did not do this. Yes, it’s my symbol, and I do happen to be quite proud of it, but I did not burn it into the building. I’m not The Crow, I don’t need that type of attention. Nor, I might add, do I have that type of time. You know what it takes to create a controlled, shaped burn like that? A team of guys. Working in tandem and managed by a specialist. And as you may have noticed, it’s just me and the car.

Hell, none of you people even like me, so destroying a public building would be a pretty stupid thing for me to do, don’t you think? I may be certifiable, running around in black leather and fighting crime and all, but what I’m not, is stupid. Kinda sweaty under here, for sure, but ignorant to the mood of the people, absolutely not.

Secondly, if there’s any way we can take care of this without involving my insurance, that would be great. I don’t exactly have my info on me; haven’t quite figured out where to put the insurance card on my belt here. Just isn’t enough pouches to go around, you understand.

But more importantly, I just can’t take the hit on my premium. You should SEE the liability fee I have to pay every month, and let’s not even GO INTO my uninsured motorist deductible! You’d think the Geico lizard would be more amenable to a fellow creature, but that green bitch is strict!

Look, I get that you blame me for this. Had I not done the Batman thing there wouldn’t even BE a Batman symbol to burn into buildings, and we wouldn’t be here, blah blah blah. But I hasten to add that without me around, you’d still be dealing with crazed supervillians and your only protection would be the inept, utterly corrupt Gotham PD. So, really, a teensy bit of cooperation would really be appreciated.

Can we work out a payment plan of some sort? I’m good for it, I promise you. Maybe I could give you a weekly sum of cash? Or, I could provide some sort of public service? Like increased patrolling in the area. Or a promise that the next time I save the city from being poisoned by a terrorist group I’ll try not to derail the city’s most valuable transportation system, thus causing your morning commute to triple in length? Sound good?

Maybe I could paint something? I’m surprisingly good with a paint roller.

Alright, let’s just all calm down and figure this out. I get that you’re upset. I’m upset too! There’s so much I’d rather be doing right now than dealing with this. Like, sharpening my batarangs, or stopping purse snatchers or kicking a homeless guy. But I’m not the bad guy here. Sure, I’ve destroyed a lot of city property. And maybe my presence HAS served to increase crime in Gotham, a bit. Yeah, I may have side-swiped a few cars and clipped a pedestrian or two, but c’mon! There was a psychotic therapist wearing a burlap sack that I needed to catch. And then there were these ninjas that showed up…

What? NO! I’m not lying! There really were ninjas! Seriously people, if I was gonna make up something, wouldn’t I just blame it on the mob, or you know, on Scientologists? As you do. I certainly wouldn’t try to put Ninjas on the table! Be real.

We’re getting away from the point. Which is that I did not do this to the building. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was this psycho with green hair and Cure makeup on who’s kinda smiley all the time. No, it wasn’t a clown! He’s a bad guy! I’m telling you! Ugh. You know what? Just ask the DA, he knows what I’m talking about.

So… we’re cool now? No one’s mad? Yeah? Excellent! Then, I’ll totally swing by next week with the money. Promise!

Batarang!

I’m rip roaring and raring to go on ‘0JAY8 like La Lohan on an extended weekend in Capri, so before a Celebritard does something so dissgrossting that I have to break my Lost Girls ban and dip into my bag of fake whore words to describe their actions (”whoreititude” being my current favs), let’s start launching some award bombs (be forwarned, this post is HUGE).

And away we go (Read the 2005 and 2006 YIF Awards post as a refresher to their awesomeness):

MOST OVERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Knocked Up – Universally loved by both sides of the Relationship Wars, personally loathed by this guy. As funny as it is to see Seth Rogen giggle like an idiot, smoke pot and heffalump all over that girl who used to be hot when she was on Roswell but now is a shrill harpy who’s about to banshee scream the awesome out of James Marsden in that exorable 27 Dresses abomination, I’d rather just watch the much better SSDD Judd Apatow manchild movie, The 40 Year-Old Virgin. Also, I liked it better when it was called Nine Months and it starred a far more charming bumbling idiot and a much better actress who was also slumming it in a lame romcom but still managed to show a modicum of gratitude for hit studio movie that launched her career, unlike some other wretched blonde yenta currently turning Grey’s Anatomy into a double-bloop fest. Yikes, this movie gives me the hatebumps. Apatow should have considered going to the Screenplay Smashmortion clinic and smashmortioning this twenty-minute too long unfunny fest like yesterday’s Spears bastard.

MOST UNDERRATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – Despite making nearly a gajillion dollars at the box office, I got the sense that most people considered this episode a toss-off. A hurdle they have to jump to get to the infinitely more awesome Half-Blood Prince and the revelatory Deathly Hallows. But let me learn you all an education, this may prove to be the most intelligent, well put-together flick of the bunch. Book Five was nearly unreadable. Two hundred pages too long, full of lame, angsty teen balderdash and an anti-climactic finale that didn’t advance the story enough to warrant the preceding 700 pages (we all knew Harry wasn’t gonna get to keep Sirius, the whole point of the series is that he stands alone). Too my surprise, I found the movie adaptation positively mesmerizing. From the totes sweet over the shoulder shaky dolly when Harry and Dudley are running from the storm, to the dark tunnel Dementor fight where Harry wielded his Patronus like some mighty Jedi. From the crazy evil child torture scenes to the ku-reep-E Brooks Brothers-clad Voldemort on the train platform fever dream. And that’s before I get to the wrenching “LOOK AT ME!” scene. This film was playing to win the game. They didn’t think it was a damn exhibition. I must not tell lies dear readers, The Order of the Phoenix pwned hard.

Hairspray – I genuinely don’t care about musicals and I’m even more indifferent to John Waters, so imagine my surprise when I popped in the DVD and found myself bopping my head like I was the Kattan Roxbury jagoff for two straight hours (him? you? me? me? no? heh?). Full of infectious energy and crazy slick choreography, I had a blast with this movie. I dug Travolta so much I even forgave him for Wild Hogs. But it was a tough decision. I mean he does wear a bandana through that pile of shite. A bandana. Seriously. On his head. For two hours. And it was intentional.

WORST ACTRESS IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Kirsten Dunst, Spider-Man 3 – Tobey Maguire dyed his hair black, grew knock-off Petrelli-bangs and emo-Manero’d down the street in the most regoddamndiculously stupid sequence in blockbuster movie history and it was STILL not the worst musical number in the flick. That goes to Kristen Vampire Teeth McFlatboobs Dunst, who whilst singing in a play where she was the lead managed to sound like monkey shite even though she wasn’t actually doing the singing. Her performance was so terrible that the audience I saw the movie with actually applauded when Tobey decked her in that SECOND so so bad Dunst musical number. It was the one time in the movie where everyone got what they wanted: a scene where Tobey wasn’t weeping like a wee little girl and five fingers saying SLAP to the former Rancho Carne Cheer Captain who would NOT stop singing in the action-packed Comic Book movie.

WORST ACTOR IN AN OTHERWISE CRAPPY MOVIE

Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man 3 - Did I mention he cries through most of the movie and gay dances like Travolta in Staying Alive for the rest of it? Also, that he sucks? Oh I did? Good. I didn’t want to forget mentioning that he sucks.

WORST EXPERIENCE IN A MOVIE THEATER

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End - Not because of the actual movie, which was slightly better than Dead Man’s Chest, owing mainly to the Godzilla on Tokyo levels of kick ass rampage that is Chow Yun Fat, Keira Knightley in Asian Pirate fetish wear and Orlando Bloom getting dead, but because of how unbelievably long the movie was in relation to how much I had to pee. I was in the center row center seat of a sold out 400 seat theater and had to go pretty hard starting in minute 17. It was not pleasant. Here was a brief summary of events.

17:00 - Damn, gotta yazzer. I think can hold it, it doesn’t seem too bad.

24:00 - Maybe loosen the belt loop up one.

32:00 - Might be wrong about this. . .

46:00 - Shifty.

58:00 - Crap all, there’s ninety more minutes left!! How much more “Yargh-ing” can they do?

1:05:00 - Yayayayayayayayayay.

1:17:00 - If I hold my junk any more people are gonna think I’m actually enjoying the movie. Must be strong.

1:29:00 - And there goes the belt and top button.

1:46:00 - Starting to get numb.

1:53:00 - Slouchy slouchy, calm the belly.

2:06:00 - JUST FUCKING END ALREADY!!!!! Awesome effects and all, but can we just kill the Bloom already so I can save my kidneys?

2:15:00 - And my pants are officially off.

2:36:00 - Thank Jeebus it’s over. I survived. Eye of the Tiger saved me again!

2:45:00 - I will RAIN FIRE on you Valley bitches if you don’t leave the theater FUCKING FASTER!

2:49:00 - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2:53:00 - Wait. Waitwait. Ye… wha… more… AHHHHHHH!

2:56:00 - Jimmy Dugan ain’t got nuthin on me!

THE TAINTED MEMORIES AWARD A.K.A. WORST SEQUEL OF THE YEAR

Live Free or Die Hard - Psych! Trick award, fools. This movie ruled! I was skeptical. I thought it would be a whole bunch of man ass. But it turned out to be a whole bunch of man awesome (yeah, that just happened). I was cool with bald McClane. I was cool with him Supermannig the fighter jet. I was cool with villainous plot. I was SuperCool with Mary Elizabeth Winstead. And I was Super-Sized cool with Maggie Q. Hell, I was even straight with Mac Guy Sidekick (which bodes well for Villa De La Beouf in Indy 4). I missed a Hans-level bad guy and I hated John not dropping F-bombs everywhere, but kids, it could have been A LOT worse.

MOST UNFORTUNATE THIRD ACT FLOP OF THE YEAR

I Am Legend - So how come the Fresh Prince left his interesting character study to walk onto the set of a bad Sci-Fi network zombie flick? Did the producers refuse to let him drop a “Ah, hell no!”? Were they blocking him from getting jiggy with it? These are things we need to know!

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIE OF THE YEAR

TMNT - Sarah Michelle Gellar should never be prominently involved with ANYTHING from my childhood ever again. I swear to Xenu I will burn my Buffy box set if she even blinks in the direction of Cheetarah and the Thundercats. Dude, I miss Ninja Rap. (Go ninja! Go ninja! Go!)

EIGHTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE A.K.A MOST SURPRISING PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR

Ben Affleck, Director, Gone Baby Gone - A subtle, powerful, beautifully photographed debut from the man who was the bomb in Phantoms, yo! I never had my doubts that he’d be a good movie director, but I never imagined he’d be that good. Wisely letting Ed Harris chew the scenery like they were yesterday’s egg bagels. Shooting close-ups all over the preternaturally pretty Michelle Monaghan. The brilliant credits sequence that established the reality of the Boston streets better than Mystic River could even dream of. Not to mention pulling an Oscar-worthy performance out of Amy Ryan. And that’s before talking about Morgan Freeman’s nuanced work and Casey Affleck’s surprise work as a commanding leading man. I’d love to have The Fleck in front of camera again, but I just may want him to stay behind it, more.

WEIRDEST MOVIE COUPLE OF THE YEAR

Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War - There’s just something inherently creepy watching the Pretty Woman grab Forrest Gump’s ass. And something totally gross seeing Erin Brockovich and the voice of Woody, post-coital. I usually love seeing mega-stars onscreen together. But in this case I just wanted it to go away so I could see Phillip Seymour Hoffman cuss some more.

THE JOHN TRAVOLTA AWARD FOR ONE TIME BIG NAMED ACTOR WHO IS SOOOO OVER!

Anthony Hopkins - He’s now repeating himself worse than Tommy Lee Jones, and I’m pretty sure Tommy Lee Jones was actually credited as playing “Tommy Lee Jones” in that last Paul Haggis travesty. Ryan Gosling blew him off the screen in Fracture. It wasn’t even close. The Washington Generals put up more of a fight than Hopkins did. And with Anton Chigurh taking Hannibal’s mantle of most awesome screen villain we secretly love, what does Hopkins have to play for? Time to pack it in and start considering begging Aaron Sorkin to do a Welsh version of The West Wing.

THE “YES, YES YOU’RE BOTH HOT, NOW SHUT UP AND GO AWAY” AWARD

Tie - Jessica Alba and Scarlet Johansson - I was thinking about this the other day while I was checking Alba off the list of girls I am attracted to (The Jay does not date girls with baggage. And by “baggage” I mean “intentional career-boosting celeb babies fathered by doofy civilians”), when was the last time either girl gave pop culture anything worthwhile beyond an occasional sex-A magazine photo spread? Match Point belonged to Woody Allen. And The Prestige was about Bale and Jackman. Lost in Translation was nearly five years ago. As for Alba, she was the worst thing about a bad FF sequel. She did a Dane Cook movie this year. Which, hello, pretty much forces me to stricken from the record her bra and panties work in Idle Hands. And she refused to go topless playing a stripper in a graphic novel adaptation. In my boy mind, they are both dead to me until one of them drops an intentional nipple in an indie flick or I get more from them than lame-ass Paul Walker action flicks and sub par Woody Allen movies.

THE “WHO CARES?” AWARD FOR THE MOVIE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE WANTED TO SEE

Rush Hour 3 - Did anyone in the world need more of this nonsense? Did anyone in the world even notice than Chris Tucker dropped off the face of the Earth? Does anyone in the world really care about the words coming out of their mouths?

THE OFFICIAL “JANEANE GAROFALO PLEASE FIRE YOUR AGENT RIGHT NOW, OR AT THE VERY LEAST, PLEASE STOP SAYING YES TO EVERY SINGLE MOVIE OFFER YOU GET” AWARD

Nicolas Cage - I’ve already written at length about the CageMatch this year, so I’ll keep this brief. Nic should only make really absurd indie movies and National Treasure sequels. Any time someone asks him to play anyone with long hair, superpowers, a dysfunctional family not played for laughs, or a guy that has to say the words “Why’d it get burned?”, he should run the other way. Fast. Fast enough to rip his toupee off.

THE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT AWARD FOR BEING THERE AND HAVING DONE THAT

The Heartbreak Kid - Yes yes, we get it Ben Stiller, you are neurotic and awkward with insanely hot, out of your league girls. Stop complaining about having to bang a batshit crazy Malin Akerman before you turn into the Simian-looking older man version of Zach Braff. And as for the Farrelly Brothers, unless Matt Damon has a mortgage payment and agrees to a Stuck On You sequel, ya’ll can STFU and put down the movie camera. Gross out comedies haven’t been popular since Jason Biggs. And Jason Biggs was never popular.

BEST INTERSPECIES EROTICA SCENE

Phillip Seymour Hoffman doggstyling Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead - More on this in a moment…

BEST EXCUSE TO WILLINGLY HAND OVER TEN DOLLARS

Tie - Keri Russell in Waitress and Megan Fox in Transformers - My number one celebrity crush (despite having a half civilian half celebrity baby… a celivibaby?), was beyond reason fantastic playing a small town pie maker. I could watch her whisk chocolate for eight life times. And I could listen to her banter with Nathan Fillion in that wonderfully lyrical cadence until I ruined the spindles on my ears like a ten year old VHS player.

And as for Megan Fox, um, well, look at her:

BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS (BUT COMPLETELY LAUDED BY EVERY GEEK ON THE INTERNET) NUDITY BY A BIG NAME ACTRESS THAT EVERY MALE UNDER FORTY HAS BEEN DYING TO SEE NAKED

Marissa Tomei, Before the Devil Knows Your Dead - She was always a hottie, but never in that “I MUST see her nipples immediately” kind of way. She was more sultry sexy. Jersey sexy. The kind of sexy where we dug seeing her in purple lycra showing how her biological clock is “ticking like this” or sweetly falling for Christian Slater and his untamed pig heart, but never where we would drive twenty miles out of our way on the rumor that she went topless in a Gothic Southern flick directed by Sam Raimi. So how were we to know how utterly delicious she looked without her clothes on? And after all these years, even! Her body was so smokin hot its mere presence negated the retina-searing image PSH throw his freckled ass all over the medium shot. Hell, it might be the only acceptable reason to ever see PSH’s ass. Lemme put it this way… Marissa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead was eight Megan Fox’s hotter than Diane Lane in Unfaithful. True Story.

BEST REASON TO HAVE YOUR OWN POP CULTURE SITE TO MAKE FUN OF STUFF

Getting to drop the post title “Alvin and the Shitmunks” and make my mom laugh at it.

THE 2007 FILM I WILL NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SEE. EVER.

P.S. I Love You - Which I believe I’ve already covered.

MY FAVORITE MOVIE POSTERS OF THE YEAR

THE JAY’S PICKS FOR THE BEST “B” MOVIES OF 2007

Let’s drop some math to explain these:

1. Shooter - Marky Mark + Smart Action x Kate Mara in a see-thru shirt = The Very Definition of Awesome Sunday Afternoon TNT New Classic.

2. Superbad - “Fellashe” + The Jay = Overused movie quote of the year.

3. Ocean’s Thirteen - George Clooney’s Stache / No Julia Roberts x Matt Damon’s Nose - Don Cheadle in an Evel Knievel costume = Crap in a can, that threequel rocked!

4. Balls of Fury - Maggie Q in booty shorts + Christopher Walken imitating Christopher Walken = A missed opportunity for greatness, but thanks all the same for giving Jason Scott Lee some work.

5. Shoot Em Up - Clive Owen with guns + Monica Bellucci with tits + Paul Giamatti with villainy = Geek Splooge.

THE FIVE WORST PIECES OF CRAP I SAW IN 2007

1. Spider-Man 3.
2. Vacancy
3. The Reaping
4. Ghost Rider
5. License To Wed

And finally…

THE JAY’S TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2007

1. Atonement
2. No Country For Old Men
3. The Bourne Ultimatum
4. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
5. Waitress
6. Juno
7. The Darjeeling Limited
8. Gone Baby Gone
9. Hairspray
10. There Will Be Blood

Bangarang!

JANUARY

I started the year as I always do, with the Year In Film Awards. I mused about which actors were The Most Unwatchable. I kept my ears to the Celebritard ground and heard Things Overheard on the Golden Globes Red Carpet. My numbero uno celebrity crush broke my mighty heart by getting herself knocked up (and by a grody civilian no less!). I considered the things other Celebrities Are Considering. I gave my reactions to the Oscar nominations. Jamie Foxx and I considered the Mysteries Of Life. I jotted down my Most Anticipated Movies of the year (and boy was I wrong about Numbers 15, 12, 4 and 1. Yikes, Sorkin, please go back to TV and let Tom and Julia embarrass themselves on their own.). I acknowledged a Mitzvah for Eddie Murphy. Good old consistently batshit crazy Anne Heche, the one constant in my life. I am wowed by the many inexplicable practices of nutball celebrities. And I shook my head at the possibility that uber-talented actress and current The Next, Rachel McAdams and oddly-dressed pop icon and ska-punk genre abandoner Gwen Stefani may in fact be separated at birth.

FEBRUARY

I told the world what I thought about Sarah Silverman. I mused on the first trailer of Phantom Menace-level awesomeness that is the possibility that Robin Sparkles was going to be Wonder Woman. I finally catalogued all the signs to tell that you are watching a Bad Nicolas Cage Movie. I made the revelation that the Small Wonder is kind of a slut. I did triple Sachows of joy in my head because Captain N was coming. Young adolescents in need of hot tween stars yelped for locked door joy when we found out that Hilary Duff had returned to Hottie stature. I dropped my early American Idol favs and was rewarded by my homegirl Melinda D making the Top 3 and Sanjaya becoming a crazy-haired phenomenon. There were more than 23 reasons not to see The Number 23, but I like a good cliche as much as the next online humor writer. I liveblogged the cheesy wondermints of The O.C. series finale. My ears were burning at both the Oscars and the Razzies. And I was thankful that the Die Hard 4 poster didn’t completely suck Sharon Stone balls (I even came around to the totes lame title.).

MARCH

I uncovered what goes on at a Vanity Fair Cover Meeting. I interviewed Billy Zabka. ZABKA!!! I researched the worst crimes perpetrated on movie franchises by kids. There were many. I told you all about the pop culture statements I hold to be true. For all those looking to get in shape and get famous I designed a 300-style Workout for Celebritards. The Mii Lebowski is the best Wii movie adaptation in the history of Wii movie adaptations. I interviewed the winner of Helltrack, Mr. Cru Jones! After much deliberation I finally figured out why William Shatner kicks so much ass. Despite my beautiful words, this is not how the average night at UCSB goes. There are MUCH more well-choreographed light saber fights. And I wondered about the possibilities of what Harry might be holding on the cover of Book 7 (turns out it was a big bowl of kick ass flakes!)

APRIL

I gave you just one of the 4,365 reasons why I miss Arrested Development. Here’s how the lives of some classic video game characters went after they beat their games. A movie poster tribute to the bald badass of action movies, Mr. Bruce Willis. Celebrities deduct the weirdest things on their tax forms. You’ll never guess what the best movie to watch on 4/20 actually is (HINT: It does not involve Dave Chapelle.). And I asked some questions about Messirs Corey Haim and Feldman.

MAY

I gave The CW eights kinds of shit for canceling Veronica Mars. I marveled at the ease of which Peter Jackson could command a budget the size of a small country’s GDP for his little inter-personal drama. I mean, really, was there ever any wonder that we’d eventually see Lindsay Lohan’s nipples? I still haven’t decided which format to go with, and I don’t plan to any time soon. I live-blogged the bloated but supes-sweet season finale of American Idol. And here’s a recap of my coverage of Star Wars Celebration IV.

JUNE

With Paris and Lindsay down for the count, the paparazzi had a lot of time on their hands. Me and a cavalcade of celebs heap well wishes on Julia Roberts are her new kid. And I posted my well-loved piece about my time as a Movie Line Waiter.

JULY

I gave a 21 shots of Patron salute of the hottest pre-approved hot redhead tween star who inexplicably became the Queen of celebritards and ruined her chances of a legendary career, in the history of US Weekly. Peep the site on the iPhone! There are some good excuses for Britney’s umbrella attack. These are not those excuses. i considered what types of things celebrities would transform into, if they had those powers. I upchucked part of my childhood after seeing the grosstasstically awful Alvin and the Chipmunks movie poster (I can’t believe sane people are telling me it’s a cute movie. I want to El Kabong myself in the frontal lobe). I make the Best! Simpsons Avatar! Ever! I, and only I, uncovered the REAL reason Mandy Patinkin left Criminal Minds. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape. DUMBLEDORE! On that note, what Harry Potter meant and means to The Jay. TomKat gets their groove on, I get my hurl on. And I vow never to write about the Lost Girls ever again. And I have kept my promise so far…

AUGUST

I rule against reviving canceled TV shows (unless it’s Veronica Mars). I drop a review bomb on Dane Cook’s wildly unfunny Good Luck Chuck movie poster, and guess what? He gets an F-. I clued the world onto the most important pop culture dates of the Fall. As much as I try to help, seriously, Keanu Reeves is just NOT helping matters. I filed a rushed, insensitive (though funny) report on the ailing health of The Butterscotch Stallion and later regretted it. Steven Seagal is hilariously delusional. True Story. I am McLovin. A sardonic Irish pop star who blasts celebritards online. I revealed just what really happened on Quentin Tarantino’s infamous Trans-Atlantic flight (and consequently befriended renowned screen nymph Tiffany Limos in the process. Hey, Tiff!). And I noted something the world already knew: that KT Tunstall is a cleva girl.

SEPTEMBER

Why do the Celebritards make it so easy to roundhouse kick them in their constructed faces? I offered Halle Berry some potential names for her new baby. My faves were Hit N Run Berry and David Justice Sucks Berry. I honored 9/11 the only way I know how, by lambasting celebs. Pwned, terrorists! On TheJay.com’s two year anniversary I outlined 21 Ways To Build A Better Pop Culture Blog. You know what helps make a crappy Emmy telecast better? Pictures of Kristen Bell touching Hayden Panetierre. I got my journo on when I chronicled the dubious box office achievement of Evan Almighty. Mel Gibson wishes everyone a joyous Yom Kippur. Unless you are Jewish. Then he wants you to go start another war and run Hollywood and have hook-noses. And I laid the scene down of the DUI arrest of Kiefer Sutherland.

OCTOBER

Were you aware than Benicio Del Toro likes to look pretty. I dropped my official Fall TV Schedule and Gossip Girl and FNL were the tits of the crop. I checked in on how Renee’s BitchFace recovery was coming along and was distressed by her regression. There might not be anything more we can do except to just ease her pain. I considered the box office potential of The Bucket List based solely on it’s poster. As it turns out, I was dead wrong. The movie blows and it’s tanking at the box office. I guess Rob Reiner is a bigger detraction that I thought. And a Happy Halloween from The Jay!

NOVEMBER

Were you aware that I run the Greatest Pop Culture Site Alive! Britney unleashed the most genius celebrity motto EVA! Ben Affleck Is NOT A Tool, And I Can Prove It. I drilled into the braincase of Mrs. Tom Cruise and relayed just what the one time Joey Potter was thinking as she bralessly attempted to escape captivity by running the NYC Marathon. The inevitable, but no less important, Strike post. As a favor to me, please, Support Reggie. Why does Stallone think his varnished Mahogany-bodied Reagan-era bringer of stunt-coordinated death is worthy of being compared to an ACTUAL historical icon? Take a note: He’s FABIO, bitch! I offered some runner-up excuses for all the less-attractive dude actors who lost the race for People’s Sexiest Man Alive Award to the pig-nosed Matt Damon. Ten “That’s What Se Said” Jokes about the Get Smart poster. Like I did for the third year in a row, I detailed your movie choices on Turkey Day. A photoshopped salutation from The Jay on Thanksgiving. I wondered just what in the hell is giving Keira Knightley a LemonFace. And I had some fun with the Disneyland Sign. Spoiler Alert: Tonight At The Pit, Everyone Gets Laid!

DECEMBER

There are so SO MANY things I’d rather do than go see P.S. I Love You. What kind of geek are you? I am many. In honor of the release of National Treasure: Book of Secrets, I give you even MORE signs that you’re watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. The op-ed Jericho’s out of me when discussing the Anti-God controversy surrounding The Golden Compass. When dealing with the coming together of Veronica Mars and Summer Roberts you have to re-calibrate the cuteness scale. Because G-damn, that is the cutest picture of two cute actresses taking a cute picture of two cute actresses being cute. Ten Burning Questions About Lost Season Four. As a cheap-ass way to throw some Holiday love at my peeps, I pimped everyone’s wares. I swear to jeebus I will stab the next asshalf in the thorax who whips their Blackberry out in a movie theater. I wish a muy Happy 61st Birthday to the bearded master, Steven Spielberg. And also to his low-costing mexican substitute, Steven Spielbergo. And finally, I gave you my goals for 200JAY8, The Year of the Jay.

Now let’s get 200JAY8 on!

Bangarang!

In honor of The Office airing it’s last pre-strike episode last Thursday, I’m gonna drop some Michael Scott-style humor on the poster for Steve Carell’s latest attempt to apologize for Evan Almighty’s existence and fraudulence. But before I get started, let me just say that I like the poster a lot, the teaser trailer cracked me up and any chance to see Steve Carell be awkward and Anne Hathaway be hot at the same time, is one I’m always gonna take. That combination is like Sex Panther to me, sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

So using ones of the highest levels of comedy are invented, here are ten “That’s what she said!” jokes about the new Get Smart Poster.

1 - In that position he’s got her all over his face.

That’s what she said!

2 - When the time for posing arises, he prefers to be behind her.

That’s what she said!

3 - But if there’s crime afoot, they’ll get to the bottom of it.

That’s what she said!

4 - Wow, that pistol looks pretty small in her hands.

That’s what she said!

5 - But she looks really determined to hold onto that thing.

That’s what she said!

6 - Remeber though, it’s not the size of the weapon, it’s how you use it.

That’s what she said!

7 - That coat looks really tight on her. I don’t know how she’s gonna get it off.

That’s what she said!

8 - Speaking of, he should put his arms down, he looks stiff.

That’s what she said!

9 - It really is a nice poster. I can’t wait to nail it against the wall.

That’s what she said!

And of course:

10 - I hope the opening weekend is big.

That’s what she said!

Bangarang!